Blood and Chaos
by Aetheron
Summary: The story brought to you by the depressing realization that any realistic SI involving myself can be summed up as: "He died. Horribly." But... death in the Buffyverse is hardly the end. Sometimes it's just a beginning. A pseudo-SI turned vampire story. Rated M for comedic sociopathy.
1. In Which I Die Immediately, A Prologue

Disclaimer1:  
I'm hazy on what exactly I need to include here.

Disclaimer2:  
I don't own B:TVS or A:TS. Recognizable characters or quotes belong to their creators: Joss Whedon and the writer teams of the aforementioned shows.  
 **  
**

 **In Which I Die Immediately, A Prologue:**

I wake up on a sheet of metal on the roadside. I add sleep walking to my mental what the hell list right next to bizarrely vivid dreams of a man and woman in togas dragging me through a tunnel while shushing each other and giggling. Did the guy have two faces? Weird. I feel... like I've been dragged through a rough hewn tunnel for hours and then dumped on the roadside actually. And I think I was allergic to the dirt along the way, because everything itches.

Standing up is a struggle just barely within my capabilities at the moment, leaving me winded as I stare down at the bed of metal I woke up on. It seems to be a sign of some sort. I stagger back a step and squint at it, feeling woozy on my feet.

"Welcome to Sunnydale"

...

The Fuck?

A hand grips my shoulder tightly and spins me around. A pair of pale blue eyes stares back at me from mere inches away. The brunette woman they belong to seems familiar in a most distressing way. I reflexively try to back away, but my feet won't move.

"Naughty, naughty, little starlings, trying to be sneaky while the stars are having a party. The other stars won't like it when they find out about my present." She giggles.

O...kay... I'm in Sunnydale, being stared at by Drusilla. Can I wake up now?

"Silly little alien, you're not asleep."

I must have said that last bit out loud. Wait a minute, "Alien?"

She nods her head at me happily, "Oh yes, you crashed down from the stars out of nowhere," she looks down nudges the sign with her foot. "I don't think your rocket ship will fly anymore though, such a waste. I'd have liked to taste the stars." She meets my eyes again and the foot I had been trying to slide back away from her stops moving without my consent and despite my best efforts to make it continue doing so. "But now I'll have my very own alien to play with, I like this so much better than getting old man stuck my teeth. I must remember to thank Miss Edith for telling me you'd be here."

In an instant Drusilla is wearing her gameface, there's a pain at my neck and the world fades to darkness.


	2. Part 1 - First Night Redux

**Part 1 - First Night Redux:**

 **-Inside of A Coffin-**

I wake up in a coffin. Mother always was a fan of tradition.

The first half-hour of my unlife is spent clawing my out of the ground. Mother's traditions suck.

I emerge hungry, angry, and more than a little confused. Mother should be here. She isn't. I'm in a garden full of weeds and broken statuary, but no Mother.

There's a rudimentary tombstone on the ground near my feet. It reads "Here lies my alien, he lived for 10 minutes" with the date May 17th 1998. I snort. 10 minutes sounds about right.

Going by the sign and the date on the tombstone, I'm in Sunnydale, at the end of season... 2? I believe if my father's memories of the show are to be believed. I'll have to test that somehow. There are far too many fantastic opportunities just waiting to be exploited if they prove to be accurate. I don't even try to resist the cackling laughter that erupts from me as I continue to explore.

That large stone building must be the mansion Mother was staying in with William and Grandfather. It's far too quiet now for anyone to be home. Perhaps I slept through the big finale? That... would explain why Mother isn't here. William must have run off with her, the bastard. William the Bloody Monopolizer of Mothers.

Then again, if he hadn't, there'd be no world for me to wake up in. He had a point with the happy meals on legs bit. My stomach gurgles. Screw it. I'm far too hungry for philosophy.

I'm not more than three steps outside the mansion's cast-iron gate when a woman comes jogging around the corner and runs straight into me. The rapid, rhythmic beating of her heart distracting me until she's barreled straight into me, not quite able to stop herself in time. We go down in a tangle of limbs. She smells of lilacs and sweat and human which I can't quite explain but she does, and it's absolutely intoxicating.

I feel... high on life, literally. I'm flooded with warmth. I don't even recall feeling cold, but in retrospect it feels obvious that this was just missing until now.

I don't even register that my fangs are out until after the scent of blood floods my senses and she's been dead for over a minute. Embarrassingly I think I've been sucking on her neck for that whole minute without noticing my drink was empty. I make sure to push my gameface back down before pushing myself back up onto my feet and then pulling her corpse up with me.

No one seems to be around to have noticed anything. Convenient, that, so I drag her into the mansion.

Signs of recent battle, and a sword-less Acathla statue confirm my earlier theory that I'm late to the party. The mansion is wrecked pretty thoroughly aside from the stone walls themselves and occasional surviving piece of furniture.

I dump my kill on the ground and rummage through what few pockets her jogging outfit has. The cash and keys get shoved into my pockets and then I pull out my phone to see how far away the address on her driver's license is.

...

...

I continue to blink stupidly at the bulky Nokia brick-like phone thing in my hand. In retrospect I don't know what I really expected. It's not like original iPhones are almost a decade away from existing or anything, let alone sixes. I guess this is the 1998 equivalent? That's fucking depressing.

Adapting to being a demon wearing the man I remember being like a suit? That's easy. I suspect even father could have managed that.

Adapting to using technology almost 2 decades old? Oh fucking hell no. This sucks.

I stagger over to one of the few unbroken chairs and flop into it feeling nearly boneless. There was a brief moment of hope when I realized that magic could probably fake many of the missing bits technology couldn't handle yet before I remembered that Grandfather ate the only techno-pagan I can name. William was right, Gramps is a wanker. I'm not sure how long I sat there before I got over the shock of seeing this museum piece in my hand. Eventually, I realized that the thing was off because the battery had drained while I was busy being a corpse and the whole topic was moot. Not like I know anyone's phone number here in Bizarro California anyway.

Okay. I'm being ridiculous. I know it. I survived being a kid in the late nineties; I'll survive being an 'adult' in the late nineties. It's not like I have to relearn how to use DOS. I'm pretty sure Windows computers have start menus and everything by now.

It finally occurs to me to check the contents of my own pockets. I find out my Leatherman made the journey with me, which is cool I suppose. Of course the keys that were attached to it last I checked are all gone, replaced by a weird looking bottle opener, which is redundant. There's a wallet in my pocket I've never seen before. No credit or debit cards in it, but I think I remember using cash more often back in '98 and there's a couple of twenties in it, so I guess that makes as much sense as anything else around here.

Oh! My driver's license.

... Maybe...

In my hand is a California Driver's License, with my face on it. But, "Who the fuck is Jack Winters? Hang on; this says I was born in 1980 so I'd be almost 18 now. How's that work?" I'm neither 18, nor born in 1980... so... what the hell?

It takes me half an hour to find a mirror to see if I look younger now, and about 3 seconds after that to remember I'm not on the membership list for the reflections club anymore. The face on my license looks like it always did, but then again it's been ages since I had that photo taken. Maybe I can get someone to take a Polaroid of me or something.

I keep rummaging through "my" wallet, may as well get through all the shock induced heart attacks right away. There isn't anything else truly shocking though, just weird. Emancipation and enrollment paperwork, apparently I'm a Sunnydale High senior starting this fall, both also in the name Jack Winters.

"Well, I guess Jack's as good a name as any. Not like I wasn't aware that I'm technically not me anymore anyway." The last name Winters however makes me twitchy. The slayer being a Summers makes me suspect I'm either being set up, or someone... thing... thinks they're funny. Probably both.

 **-Jogger Lady's Apartment-**

Has the universe ever blindsided you with something so incredibly simple that you can't believe it surprised you? Something so very mundanely banal that despite being caught completely off guard, you can only just stare at it while thinking to yourself, "Duh. Of Course that's a thing, how did I forget those?"

That's me right now.

I'm a blood demon. I was literally 'born,' after a fashion anyway, mere hours ago. I'm animating the corpse of a man who was kidnapped from his home reality by what looked like two Greeks or Romans or whatever in actual fucking togas. Mother called them starlings, but she was gone when I woke up so make her explain. I only know any of this because I ate his memories when I took over his body. Are starlings people with two faces? Or is that just what Mother calls drunken frat boys?

Anyway, I'm standing in the apartment of a woman I killed by drinking her blood within an hour of first waking up. A few moments ago I was putting on the gloves I bought at the local gas station and looting the place for valuables. Before that I was wandering around town semi-aimlessly only stopping occasionally to ask for directions. Sunnydale natives? Not so helpful when you knock on their doors at 10-11 pm. Until you explain that you're lost and just need directions to somewhere else. It seems that the trick is to not want to come inside and eat them. Who knew right?

Currently? I'm staring slack jawed at a book on her coffee table like it's the Holy Grail. Right now it may as well be. It's a fucking phone book.

I was so depressed when my... err... my father's... fuck it, he died, it's mine. My iPhone! Mine! Which no longer exists yet. The important point is that it wasn't in my pocket, and somehow the idea that being two decades in the past also meant that phonebooks still exist... never occurred to me. I wonder if William had one of these in the mansion already? He was always more on the ball about keeping up with 'modern' tech than your average vampire. Or maybe he just liked watching TV?

I flat out cackle gleefully as I begin paging through it, because it has a map. Great Grandmother would be so embarrassed by me right now but I don't care because she's dust at the moment and I have a phone book, with a map! Need a robot? Warren Mears' address is in here. Need someone to cast a spell? The Madisons, Rosenburgs, Wells, Levinsons, and even that weird little magic shop with a revolving door of ownership, are all in my new book. I wish I could remember what the Pylean Dance of Joy looked like so I could do it right now. I settle for another round of gleeful cackling and celebratory arm waving.

...

Huh. There's an idea, two actually. First: No wishing, not out loud, and not in my head either, not worth the risks. Second, I should look into memory spells. Dredge up actual details from the show so I can test them for accuracy. Wouldn't it be sad if I made elaborate plans based on father's memories and it turned out he was just a crazy person with delusions of precognition. Actually... speaking of my father, I wonder if I'm in... Nope, I'm not, there are no Winters listed in the Sunnydale phonebook. The street listed on my license is on the map however. I'll have to check it out. Someone or more likely something went through an awful lot of trouble to get him here and settled in. I really ought to look into that.

Continuing to loot the place nets me some cash hidden in her sock drawer and a new watch. It's girly, so I won't wear it, but knowing that its 2am right now seems handy, so into my pocket it goes. I pack a suitcase full of her clothes, so it looks like she went somewhere in case my memories of the SPD's lack of job performance prove inaccurate, and toss it all in her car's trunk before declaring the car mine by right of conquest as well. If nothing else the socks might fit. Thinking about the watch again, I go back inside and snag her alarm clock for good measure.

 **-My Home, Allegedly-**

I park recently deceased chick's car at the address listed on my license. It's a hole. As in the hole in the ground they dig for a foundation. The CRC construction sign claims someday there will be a McDonald's there.

I'm not sure how to feel about this.

On the one hand I don't magically have a home. On the other hand this is the first sign I've seen that whatever kidnapped my father may have limits to its powers. Come to think of it, I should verify if the documentation I have is legitimate or just a better forgery than I can detect... not like I have any talent at telling the difference.

Of course, it also begs the question: Was the universe trying to tell him that he's a happy meal on legs? And Mother merely moved the lesson forward a few hours? I'm not sure how to feel about that either. Could the message have been that I'm still just a happy meal on legs? He's gone now, but I'm still here... How would I even tell? cast 'Summon Bigger Fish' and see what shows up?

...

"SUMMON BIGGER FISH!"

Nothing happens. Typical, the universe needs a better GM.

 **-Abandoned Mansion-**

I park the car a few blocks away and head to the mansion with my loot, minus the suitcase of woman's clothing.

There's a squatter in what I think was the living room when I get arrive. He's rummaging in one of the closets as I walk through the door. I can hear his lack of heartbeat, but I can tell he's a vampire and not a zombie by smell. That's interesting. My nose comes with some pre-calibration.

"Hey man, you heard about the crew staying here getting cleared out by the Slayer too huh?" he greets me amicably while I'm sorting out the various scents I can detect now. Newly dead chick smells like death now that it's been a few hours. It's not a bad smell like I would have expected either, it just... is. Maybe because the various chemicals involved aren't bad for me anymore.

"Uh yeah, seemed like a good place to crash for the day," I tell him, looking around like I've never seen the place before, but thanks to my nose I don't really need to fake the mild confusion. "I think I'll take one of the rooms upstairs. That okay?" I'm not sure if it's lacking a pulse to race, or being a demon now, but either I'm a much better liar than I recall being in life... or fledgling vampires really are as borderline retarded as I remember them being depicted on TV. Either way, he agrees to my taking one of the rooms upstairs and then turns back to the closet. I cave his skull in with a broken piece of rebar that was lying nearby. Do vamps normally just... get along with other by default? Meh, it might be paranoid, but I'm going to continue to assume most vamps act like my recollections of William the Bloody until proven otherwise. I have no intention of being forced to greet the sunshine any time soon.

Speaking of which, I had best hurry up. Sunrise is coming. I loot and then dust the intruder, before setting to work returning to the blackout curtains that were knocked down in the recent fighting to their proper places. A few of the curtains and rods are lost causes, forcing me to abandon a few of the less useful looking rooms as lost causes as well, pulling their doors closed instead.

I scrounge up some paper and a pen but my plan of spending the day plotting out what needs to be done is scuppered the moment the sun pokes out above the horizon.

I immediately feel like I'm a cup of coffee short of quota but over-caffeinated at the same time. No good will come of doing any serious planning while the ants are crawling behind my eyeballs. Daytime activities are clearly a last resort only now. Irritation rising rapidly, I flop down on the bed that still smells faintly of Mother and prepare to spend the rest of the giant yellow cancer ball's journey across the sky unconscious.

...

I suspect I may have inherited father's insomnia. Gods Damn It.


	3. Part 2 - Languages and Herbalists

**Part 2 - Foreign Languages and Herbalists Suck:**

 **-The Magic Shop-**

The urge to beat this kid to death with one of his new age hippie books has slowly made the jump from amusing stray thought to serious consideration. I suppose it isn't entirely his fault, I was pretty annoyed before I even got here. I had to drag myself out of bed during the day and hug the shadows to get here before closing time. I could have waited for sunset, but then I'd have been that guy that shows up just before close demanding service. They go to the special Hell.

I'm fairly certain that I'd have snapped and eaten him already if I hadn't found the remnants of William's stash of blood bank packets in the fridge from when he was allegedly crippled. Drinking cold blood was like drinking warm lemonade, and without enough sugar too, but they sated the gnawing hunger that had pulled me out of my nap before the sun had finished buggering off.

I think something of my thoughts must have leaked into my expression because the sales clerk guy finally admits to the owner keeping the less touristy books in the side room. "Thank you," Ginkgo Biloba indeed!

Of course, now I've traded a man with far too much enthusiasm for herbs and homeopathy for a room full of books that aren't in English. Most don't even seem to use the same alphabet. The sales kid, who is probably "older" than me if my new license is to be believed, doesn't follow me. I guess I can't fault his survival instincts for that decision. I look around with a grimace, once again lamenting Google's failure to properly exist yet, and start looking through the titles for something that sounds like memory, carefully avoiding the beam of sunlight coming through the back window.

I'm halfway around the room, having made zero progress, when a blond girl walks in. She looks familiar. "I don't suppose you can read... uh... whatever this is," I gesture towards the book either titled or written by whatever "الشعلة الحية" means. She laughs, but whether it's at my general helplessness or if the book title is something embarrassing I can't say. "Yeah, I may have been a bit hasty chasing off the sales guy, but I couldn't handle any more of his homeopathic... huh, it occurs to me now that if this stuff works there may actually be something to the Ginkgo Biloba stuff he was pushing."

"Ginkgo Biloba? Having trouble with... memory?" She scrunches up her nose in thought on the last part. "Oh! I'm Amy by the way." A familiar looking blonde named Amy. I wonder...

"Jack," I nod and smile at her in lieu of risking initiating a handshake, "and yes. Well, I mean, my memory is working the way it's supposed to, but I'm hoping to find a way to dredge up the details on something from a decade ago." Looking pointedly around the room, "Allegedly there's a spell in here somewhere for forgetting things. Hopefully the reverse is also true? And not like hypnosis where my brain just plays mix and match with details to make something plausible up either." The devil is in those details after all when it comes to testing the validity of my 'memories' from the show.

"Hmmm..." she's tapping her finger against her chin and looking around the room, "Something you saw?"

"Yeah, or at least it was on TV and I saw it on the screen if that matters."

"Maybe... Well, let's take a look, I'm getting pretty good at the Latin and Greek stuff... but you might have to ask Mr. Velissaropoulos or Mr. Giles if you want to know what language... that... is." She points at the book I'd indicated earlier.

"God sneeze you, and who?" I only have to fake half of my confusion this time.

"Huh? Oh! Mr. Velissaropoulos owns the store. He's Greek, I think? He's usually only here on Wednesdays and Thursdays though, most of the time he's out finding stuff. Mr. Giles is the librarian at school, he knows a ton of languages, and some of the books on his desk make that one look normal." Her smile turns sheepish, "err... And I'd avoid trying to read any of them out loud."

I laugh, recalling Xander igniting a book that way, "Yeah... I learned that lesson too. Unfortunately." I hold up my hand which still looks a tad singed from where it clipped a bit of sunshine when I wasn't paying enough attention. Worst. Sunburn. Ever. "Oops?"

My mood improves as steadily as the sun sets while we search. Before I know it Mr. Biloba is telling us they're getting ready to close. Amy suddenly looks nervous; glancing out the window shows the last few rays of sunlight dwindling down. Ah. Makes sense, the girl that can do actual magic would be aware of what comes out after dark in this town. "Something wrong, Amy?"

"It's just later than I thought." She looks at me, then out the window again. "My mom has some books on this stuff back home. One of them should have the spell she cast on me to help with studying for school, might be something helpful in there."

I grin back at her, "Sounds great." I think she just drafted a vampire to walk her home as added protection against... meeting a vampire on her way home. I stifle a giggle, "Shall I walk you home?" This much fun simply can't be healthy.

 **-Madison Residence-**

Apparently being spooked by a loud noise and then telling me to hurry up while gesturing at the doorway constitutes an invitation? That or agreeing to have me over to look through her mother's books back at the shop does. Either way the doorway fails to bounce me back out of the Madison residence. If I wasn't sure which Amy I was talking to back at the shop, the nameplate on the mailbox cleared that up.

Once we find and page through the book she mentioned, she seems far too eager to try out the spell that sounds most promising. When asked about it she just grins, asks me, "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a willing magical guinea pig?" and then laughs.

I glare at that. But what the hell, this is literally what I spent all afternoon looking for, and my only other option I can think of is trying to con Willow into casting it. Not that conning season 2-3 Willow would be hard, but I'd really rather not put myself on the radar of Team Scooby.

We go over the ritual instructions and the notes scrawled in the margins in English. Hmmm, looks like committing Grand Theft Body was not Catherine's plan A for reliving her glory days. That she then went that route... Not sure how much to read into that. I re-read one of the lines again to make sure, "oh for fucks sake, seriously?"

"What?"

"Read the ingredients list on the concoction I have to drink. I think the universe is mocking me," I grumble, while contemplating going back and eating the sales guy.

"... Ginkgo Biloba!" at least one of us is amused. Unfortunately it's Amy. I glare at her.

 **-One Spell Cast Later-**

Magic, as it turns out, is finicky. I expected that. It's also fucking vindictive. Which I did not expect but I really should have.

I sit in a salt circle while Amy chants words in what sounds like Latin.

I drink a bizarre concoction of things including a bit of my blood and a fair bit of that herb which shall no longer be spoken of.

I continue to sit, Amy continues to chant. I focus on what I can remember of the show, and the parts I most want to remember. Lindsey's tattoos, the Gem of Amarra, and that Glove of M-guy with the lightning bolts. Also, anything with Amy herself in it just for good measure.

The spell works, I think, but not exactly as advertised.

Amy said that the spell her mom cast to help her with studying made her head tingle and then suddenly she could remember what the teacher had gone over in class better.

I don't know if reaching back over a decade was simply an order of magnitude greater than this year's syllabus, or if the spell was meant for humans and I only partially qualify. Hell, for all I know the Powers that live to screw with mortals just thought it'd be fucking hilarious. Whatever the cause, the result was that my world dissolved into pain, pain, and more pain. My mind felt like it was on fire as the images and scenes I sought out seared themselves into my brain. I get the distinct impression that forgetting the details is no longer an option.

It may have been a few seconds later, or an hour. I'd never know. But when I came to, Amy was pressed back against the wall staring at me with wide eyes, and the room reeked of her fear.

"Iguh-" cough "It worked." my throat hurts and my voice sounds strange, I assume from screaming obscenities at the universe, or possibly just screaming incoherently in pain. I try to smile reassuringly at her.

She doesn't look reassured. "Please don't eat me," she squeaks out.

"...Why would I... I'm in game face aren't I?" she nods. Mother Fucker! I focus on pulling in my fangs, "I'm not going to eat you."

"But you're a vampire." She stutters a little on that last word. I see we've reached the stating the obvious phase of this discussion.

"...and you're a witch. So what? Glass Houses, Amy." Awesome, now she looks annoyed too. I can't decide is that's an improvement.

"Vampires eat people... I'm People!" That last bit going back into panicked tones.

"I never said I don't eat people. I said I'm not going to eat you." At her confused expression I elaborate, using my best Amy Madison impression, "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a willing witch to cast spells for me?" And she's annoyed again, abracadabra. I tilt my head to the side, "If it helps, I can also refrain from eating your dad?"

"And what happens when I'm done casting magic for you?" she sounds suspicious but now I'm just confused.

"I pay you for your time?" Her expression turns confused, which just confuses me more. What part of this doesn't she understand? "Witches do need money for food and stuff right?"

"Wait, you want to pay me to cast magic for you, and you don't want to eat me?" She sounds surprised. Why is this such a difficult concept?

"...Yes? Is there some better way of keeping a witch on retainer that I'm not aware of? I have been speaking English for the past couple of minutes, right?" I pull out the hundred odd bucks I'd looted over course of last night. "You do magic, I pay you. I refrain from eating you, you refrain from lighting me on fire. Deal?" Clearly she expected me to only need one spell cast and then a snack or something. Are vampires really supposed to be that shortsighted? Don't answer that.

"You're going to eat other people?"

"Well duh, I gotta eat. Why? You wanna watch?"

"Yuck! No! Gross! I want you to not eat people!" I'm beginning to wonder if her mother's magic had... side effects on this girl. She seems to lack the expected level of enthusiasm for that last statement.

I wonder if this is how William felt whenever he was babysitting Dawn. I raise an eyebrow and stare at Amy, "feeling better now that you've pretended to care about your fellow mortals?"

I wait.

"...Yeah," she does that incredibly put upon sign that only teenage girls can ever manage to get just right, "screw it. We have a deal. Give me the money. No eating me or my dad. Call me when you want another spell cast." Ha! There's the beginning of the psychotic dark magic addict I remember. I make a mental note to send a thank you to Rack for deleting that pesky caring nature out of my new toy.

...

Make that; a thank you note written out and mailed by... someone else, someone who has no connection to me, and packed full of high explosives and silver ball bearings. What? Even as a human I hated sharing my toys. Besides, I need Amy to be insensitive to the plight of her fellow mortal, not outright self destructive. Friendly fire is most decidedly not friendly.

I sum all my feelings up on the topic, "Cool," and hand her the money. "Now, up you get. Let's have a look at you. What? You just cast a memory affecting spell on me. If you look different than I remember you looking at the store we have a problem." She stands up and fidgets while I give her a blatant once over. She looks almost exactly like she should. The key word there is almost. Her actress was clearly older than her role. The Amy in front of me is actually... 17? But she looks exactly like I'd expect a 17 year old version of her actress to look... and also the same as when we met at the store. I was lying about my reasons, but it was still a good idea to check. "Awesome, we're good." I leave it at that, she's cute, but not so much that I want to risk waking up on fire.

Amy seems to want me out of her house for some reason. I roll my eyes as she does everything but shoo me out the door, only to grab my arm before I can actually leave. "Jack, about our deal? If you run into my mom, eat first, questions later. Okay?" I laugh at her phrasing.

"Obviously." She looks at me funny but doesn't ask, so I just smile and don't elaborate before sauntering off. The night is young, and I have important memories to test. I love magic.


	4. Part 3 - Mental Arts and Crafts

**Part 3 - Mental Arts and Crafts:**

 **-Angel's Abandoned Mansion-**

Results inconclusive. Rawrgle! Again?

Regrettably, my attempts to strangle the magic eight ball are thwarted by its merely being a metaphor for the results my night of testing has produced.

Places, like the high school library look exactly as they did in the show, albeit with the added perspective of being able to look around and see the other side of them. People, on the other hand are all slightly off. Sure, they look like the actors and actresses would have looked when they were the ages they portrayed. That's... interesting academically I suppose, but most decidedly unhelpful when trying to recognize people. Seventeen year olds don't quite look like Hollywood would have us believe. I wouldn't care except that I'm, you know, trying to replicate a magical tattoo that goes on a damned person... pun not intended.

Tuning back into reality I glare at the Polaroid in my hand once more before setting it aflame and tossing into the bowl. I check the runes I drew on the manikin for a fourth time while it burns. As before, they look exactly like I remember the ones on Lindsey. Obviously, it could be that Lindsey's tattoos fall into the second category, 'Things that aren't exactly like the show' but that's not a terribly productive thought. Hmmm... do the runes not protect against Polaroid style cameras? That wouldn't actually surprise me all that much, magic loves to nitpick... Again, that doesn't really help me right now.

I turn to Jennifer, "I'm guessing your room mate didn't pay extra for a magic immune manikin?" Jennifer doesn't respond. Oh, hey! She's stopped drooling. I should write that down. Where'd my lab book go?

It isn't until I'm noting the time on the latest entry that I realize another possible reason why the runes might not have worked. Maybe the tattoo only works on people? I mean... how does a manikin power a magic tattoo? It doesn't. I suppose that should have been obvious. Or... wait... maybe it can draw in ambient magic..? I set the manikin aside for retesting later. If nothing else it'll make a good prop for the tattoo artist.

Gods, this would be so much easier if I could just have Amy research magic tattoos and runes. But when everybody starts boarding the hand-basket, I'd really rather not have there be any more of a paper trail explaining what I did. Paranoia really is self enforcing isn't it? Then again, if this world didn't merit paranoia I wouldn't exist and father would be... I don't know. Drunk off his ass in Willows room trying to convince her to send him home?

I'm still grumbling about self inflicted handicaps as I start unchaining Jennifer from the wall.

 **-Later-**

"Why!" whack, "won't," whack, "you," whack, "fucking," whack, "fledges," whack- snap! "Stay out!?" I drive the now broken handle of my shovel through the heart of the latest idiot to wander into my territory. His now nearly pancake flat face dissolving into dust. Adding his dust to the urn where I'm storing his predecessors I turn back to Jennifer, "You know Jennifer, if they didn't keep delivering cash-" wait. I walk back over to the kitchen table and peer closely at Jennifer's face. "Jennifer?" There's a brief flicker of recognition on her features at the sound of her name. Checking the time I add it to the experiment logs. The human mind is absolutely fascinating, she's gone from uncontrolled drooling to recognizing the sound of her own name again in only... 3 hours. Something I'd never know if I hadn't accidentally snapped her sanity attempting my first Thralling. Ah, the joys of Arts majors with roommates who come home unexpectedly. Huh, does that make her delivery or DiGiorno?

Fifteen minutes later Jennifer starts to giggle. I pause drawing the weird squiggly shape things on her chest and stare at her. She stops. I have a bad feeling about this even as I make note of it in my log book.

Yup, she's ticklish. It is exceedingly difficult to draw runes on a girl who's started squirming under you while you draw. Grimacing, I shift my weight on to her arms to keep them from flailing and carry on.

 **-Later-**

My poor attempt at the Pylean Dance of Joy is interrupted by Jennifer's whimpering. I look over at her just in time to see the runes I drew glow brighter and brighter before bursting into flame and quickly vanishing. "Well! That was a short lived victory." I toss the photo, in which Jennifer is conspicuously absent aside and call Amy. I'm clearly out of my depth here.

"...Hello?" she sounds tired. Well, it IS 7 am on a Sunday. I'd be tired too if my successful test run didn't make me far too giddy for even giant ball of obnoxiousness to bring me down.

"Good Morning Amy! Is magic like electricity?"

"... Jack? ... Why?... It's like, 7am. ...What?" Grogginess, thy embodiment is Amy. I add removing the 'needs sleep' descriptor from my minions to the ever growing pile that is my to do list.

"Yes. Because reasons. You're not a morning person are you? And, finally, I repeat; Is magic like electricity, or rather, heat actually? As in does it work better with some materials than others. Like they make heat sinks out of copper and insulate houses with... that pink shit."

"Uhhh... ... ... yeah?" She doesn't elaborate.

"And what works be-" I'm interrupted by a loud thud behind me.

"What was that?" Amy asks as I turn around to find Jennifer now on the floor next to the table. I watch as she tries to stand up before falling over again.

"That's just Jennifer," I wave my arm dismissively.

"Jennifer? Who's Jennifer," I'm reminded that Amy can't see me, or my arm, "Is she okay?"

"Just a college chick I met last night. Her room-mate was an Arts major. And, uh, she looks okay? A little singed maybe but I'm pretty sure that's not from the fall. Not important. Focus Amy. Magic materials. Go."

I politely pretend I can't hear her muttering about impatient vampires, she's not wrong after all, just off topic. "Uhhh... Iron bad, silver good? Copper and Gold work too, but silver holds it better. I'm not sure why."

"Find out for me will you? And, would I be correct in the assumption that pen ink is in the 'bad' category along with iron?"

"Pen ink?"

"Yeah, from one of those artsy type pens"

"... Jack. Did you kidnap an art student for her art supplies."

"No. Of course not, that would be ridiculous. I ate an art student for her art supplies. I kidnapped her roommate, a totally different person." I think can hear Amy flail her arms in exasperation. I'm not sure why she asked if she didn't want to know.

"... I shouldn't have asked." Clearly we're in agreement, "Ummm... pen ink? No, I don't think that would work very well at all. Maybe it would last a few minutes, unless... I think they make special inks and papers for that kind of thing? Yeah, Yeah, I'll look into it, can I go back to sleep now?"

I roll my eyes at the laziness of my witch. Honestly, sleeping when there's magical science to be done. It must be a side effect of growing up with it, ruins the magic of it all. "You can do whatever you like, but the sooner you get me those answers the sooner you get paid."

Amy yawns into the phone and then groans, "Fine. I'm awake now anyway. But you're covering the cost of coffee."

"Whatever, that's fine." I hang up before giving in and letting out a yawn of my own. Gods damn it. I'm dead, I can't get tired, I don't need to breathe, why is yawning still contagious? Jennifer's yawn mollifies me slightly, and reminds me she exists. I re-chain her to the wall before allowing myself to succumb to the yellow menace's influence.

 **-Later-**

I interrupt my failed attempts at sleep upon hearing the sounds of Jennifer attempting to escape. I glance my alarm clock. 16 hours. 16 hours to go from queen of the drool to attempted escape artist. Nifty. I think this concludes the experiment.

My final entry makes note of the fact that being allowed to stew in her fears overnight seems to have given the blood an odd tang. It's not a bad flavor, its just strange and I don't think I like it as much as ... regular(?) flavored blood.

I go back to "sleep."

 **-Later-**

My phone rings. It's Amy. She's found a book on magical materials. Apparently I was accidentally very close to the mark, magic seems to follow similar rules to heat sinks, but with bizarre quirks that only magic could make sense of. Un-forged iron resists magic, literally iron that hasn't been heated. Heat it up in a forge and that property goes away for- functionally- ever even after it cools. Cold Iron in D&D makes more sense now. Silver, Copper, Gold, in that order, unless you're doing specific things in which case one of them suddenly works better or worse because...? Reasons. That special magic ink? It's ink with silver in it. I somehow don't think that what they meant when one of the cop shows I watched mentioned prison tattoos causing heavy metal poisoning. Amy agrees.

"Awesome. I'll meet you at that coffee place after sunset."

Now I just need to find a tattoo artist that will use ink with silver in it. Maybe LA? If it's not obvious which one would be the best I could hit Caritas and have Lorne point me at the 'right' one. Come to think of it, why am I still in Sunnydale? The mansion is nice, but prone to home invasions, and the town itself is subject to annual apocalypses the prevention of which I'd rather not accidentally interfere in. Maybe I should just relocate?

 _'Naughty, Naughty Alien, you'll keep my William from burning up in the sunshine won't you?_ ' Mother's face flashes through my mind.

Why am I on the ground? Oh right, the earth splitting headache. Fucking hell, Mother, did you have to make your handiwork hurt so much? I roll over and climb to my feet. Clearly I'm not allowed to contemplate leaving Sunnydale.

Okay, I'm still standing, and my head doesn't feel any worse. Maybe it was the thinking about not coming back?

"Hello ground. Thank you for catching me. Sorry about bashing my face into you like that. I'm just going to lie here for a bit okay?" As if I needed a reminder that I'm a rank amateur in the mental arts, I think Mother is showing off. I suppose I should have seen this coming. Of, fucking, course, Mother left extra programming in my head. Why wouldn't she? It's not enough that I have no idea why I'm here, Who or What went out of its way to create my paperwork but listed me as living at a McDonalds that's still under construction, or any of that. No, I needed the added sense of suspense wondering when the next set of instructions will kick in complete with migraine made to order. I suppose I should just be grateful she didn't yoke me to the town lines completely.

I'm still sulking on the ground nursing my headache when my phone rings.

"Hello Amy."

"Jack, where are you? Sunset was half an hour ago."

"Sorry, Mother was just explaining some ground rules to me. I'll be there in a moment." I almost hung up on her before her panicked screeching processed, "No, not your mother. Mine. Drusilla."

I'm halfway through the laborious process of climbing to my feet when what Mother actually said properly registers. Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker, how am I supposed to stop that!? I'm not even certain what 'that' is; William falling in "love" with Buffy the Vampire Layer? Or using himself as a soul-bomb against The First? Ugh. Nothing. No hints or directions or even painful twinges associated with either. One thing is certain: William is clearly her favorite son. Typical.

I grab the money I owe Amy and head out the door, this is shaping up to be a busy night.


	5. Part 4 - Coffeehouses and Cops

**Part 4 - Coffeehouses and Cops:**

 **-The Espresso Pump-**

I meet Amy at The Espresso Pump. It's... different. Like the lovechild of a Starbucks and a Texican restaurant. It's full of people who think being afraid of the darkness is superstitious. I order a small coffee, black, from the ... bluette, that's fun to look at, working the register. She's cute, doesn't smell completely human though. That's interesting. She does a, very, good job faking it visually but there's something my nose is filing under 'other' which actually might just be the hair dye? maybe? I'm staring. I smile, take my coffee and head over to Amy's table. I wonder how hard it would be to use Xander to test her for black widow tendencies.

Fishing out her money, I toss it on the table before sitting down, "Sorry I'm late, but you know how mothers can get." If asked, I'd claim I'm being polite by ignoring the way she started and the slight whiff of her fear. Really I'm just too busy glaring at the cup of coffee on the table in front of me, trying to psych myself up. I do this periodically. Or rather I suppose my father..? host..? the previous owner of my body..? I'm stalling. I take a sip of my coffee.

...

Huh? That's not nearly as terrible as my memories would have had me believe. Then again, it also doesn't really taste like anything. I distinctly remember running this test a number of times before dumping what I'd been told is a staggering amount of cream and sugar into the cup. The perks of vampirism keep racking up; strength, speed, improved sense of smell, albeit apparently less pre-calibrated than I'd initially expected, and my taste buds are now coffee-proof. I eye the cup speculatively. I wonder if that means it won't affect me at all anymore. I blink, Amy's hand retracting from where she waved it in my face, "What?"

She rolls her eyes at me, "How's Jen?"

"Who?" I glance over at Blue, I don't think her name was Jen. I turn back, Amy is staring at me with a look of disbelief.

"Jennifer? The girl you were with this morning? Any bells?"

"Oh, her. Have you ever made Mac and cheese with yogurt instead of milk?" I get a blank stare back, "Well, you should, otherwise I can't really describe how she tasted." Even then it's only a conceptual approximation.

Her blank look turns into rolled eyes and retching noises. "You know, you could just tell me I don't want to know."

Now it's my turn to give her a blank stare, "But then how will you learn not to ask in the first place?" I grin, looking pointedly around the coffeehouse reminding her we're in public, "for now I'm happy to let you live vicariously via my ... sex life." I pause at that, blinking, "though I think that euphemism just put an even more terrible context on the whole tasting like yogurt thing." Now we're both disturbed. I shake my head to clear it, "come on, it's dark, I'll drive you home." She pauses in her, what may no longer be entirely faked, retching and nods. I didn't actually expect her to agree so easily. I'm going to have to work on her self-preservation instincts. That or find a way to mark her as mine in a way that other demons will respect. I snort, the only thing demons will universally respect is straight up butchering anything that looks at her funny, and even then I'd probably have to pee on her.

...

"Jack? You're spacing on me again." Apparently we're at the car already.

"I haven't had to pee since I died. Weird." Then again, I think that cup of coffee was my first drink that wasn't blood since I woke up.

"Gross! Why were you staring at me while... no! I do not want to know. Do not tell me!"

"Spoilsport, but hey, you're learning fast. That bodes well for you" I grin at her over the car as I unlock the door.

"..." Amy settles for glaring at me while looking mildly disgusted. I've noticed that a lot of talking to Amy involves amusing facial expressions. Amusing for me anyway, she looks annoyed most of the time. I pause to mentally reaffirm my stance that I don't want to wake up on fire, and settle for rolling my eyes at her as I get in the car.

Her glare lasts most of the ride home. She finally cracks as I pull onto her street, breaking the silence, "So, any big plans for tonight?" apparently she's learning because she hastily tacks on, "plans that don't involve dead bodies?"

"Considering I am a dead body? No. But, I don't foresee any murders on my way to L.A. tonight."

"You're leaving town?" I'm not sure if she sounds happy or sad about that. I'm not sure she knows either.

"Yeah. I'm going to go visit Caritas. It's a demon karaoke-" I hear badly stifled laughter next to me, "hush you, karaoke bar. More importantly it's got a set of fantastic magical protection wards I want to take a look at, maybe pick the owner's brain about." And also, the ever mounting list of specialists I need to arrange contact with; Tattoo artist, Emil, possibly Barney, and a buyer for the Du Lac Cross and book that Mother had stuffed in her mattress. I'm still not sure if I actually want to part with that last pair. I do know that I'd rather not give them back to Giles merry band of racist peeping toms. "And, speaking of defensive wards, congratulations on giving me a great segue into your new research project. Now, unless you want to come to L.A. for a few days with me, out you get," I pull the car up in front of her house.

She snorts, holding her hand to her face like a pretend phone, "Hi dad, I'm in Los Angeles, staying in a hotel room with a guy I met a few days ago. Yeah, that'd go over well." She climbs out of the car, "and that's ignoring that whole you eat people and I'm people, thing, but thanks anyway." I stick my tongue out at her eye roll.

I wait long enough to make sure nothing tries to eat my witch on her way to her door before driving off. Hmmm, maybe I should find a way to pee on her? I'll have think about it.

 **-Somewhere on Route 101-**

"...Seriously?" I stare at the flashing blue lights in the rear view mirror, "it's after midnight. I haven't seen another car in like 10 minutes, but, apparently going ninety something is still frowned upon."

I pull over, roll down the window, put my hands on the wheel and wait impatiently for Officer Buzzkill to approach.

"License and Registration please," he sounds annoyed too, good, irritation loves company as much as misery. I can see one hand is on his service pistol holster as he shines the flashlight in my eyes. I make an exaggerated show of slowly getting out my license and registration paperwork and hold them out to him. His last conscious action is to try and take them from me. I'm slightly impressed that he manages to reflexively click the cover off of his holster between the moment when I grab his arm and when his head smashes into the top of my car as I pull with all my vampiric might. Thoroughly dazed, he doesn't resist as I pull him into the car through the window.

Coming down off the frenzied high of feeding I'm left slightly puzzled, "well, that just happened." I shove Noname McRedshirt back out the window and look around. The little dip in the road I pulled over in blocks my view of much of the road, but I can't see any other cars on what I do see. I grab my gloves from the for once in my existence aptly named glove compartment and drag the officer off the road. Finally, it clicks what's been bugging me about all of this. I've been acting like a junky jonesing for a fix. I sigh, " I couldn't have just told him I wasn't the droids he was looking for? Damn it." Thinking back, I've been feeling irritable since shortly after leaving the Sunnydale town limits. Either caffeine is a massive no-no for vampires, or there's more to the Hellmouth's energies attracting us demon types than I was aware of. Fortunately I seem to have snapped out of it after my impromptu lunch. I start the checklist I really ought to have run through before killing one of the local Staties.

No one else in sight on the road. No partner in the patrol car. Stripping off his uniform... California Highway Patrol? So, a Patrolman rather than a Trooper? ... huh, there's no body cam? "Oh right, they're stuck in the dark ages same as me..." I mutter as I confirm there's no dash cam in the patrol car either. His radio chirps, asking for unit 17 to report. "Buggerfuck... Of course he called it in," outside of Sunnydale I guess LEOs are allowed to keep their brainstems. Pity about that. My license plates are probably a liability now.

My debate on which of the two cars to drive off in is resolved in favor of option 3 when I spot headlights cresting the ridge. I dart out into the road waving my arms like a madman. The instant the truck screeches to a halt I'm tapping on the window, panicked expression plastered on my face pointing frantically at the cruiser, "I think he had a heart attack. I don't know CPR." Oh bless, Mr. Samaritan is getting out of his truck. His door swings open and I grab his chin forcing his eyes to meet mine. Repeating what I did to that artsy girl by accident, I stare into his eyes and... I don't know how to describe it, it's a bizarre feeling that I don't think my brain was ever really meant to process, but I 'push' my will into his while thinking "STOP!" with everything I have. He doesn't go full blown drool on self levels of catatonic, but his eyes glaze and he goes limp. I think my test subjects are applying my command to everything they consciously can? Makes as much sense as the next theory.

I can hear the operator lady routing reinforcements to check on unit 17 as I shove the guy to the side. Damn.

Suddenly pressed for time, I skip the traditional game of 'what has he got in his pocketses?' enjoyed by murderhobos everywhere and just finish stripping off the patrolman's entire uniform boots and all. It, as well as his service pistol and radio are promptly pitched into the truck... as are the road flares and the shotgun in the car that they really should have locked up with a stronger lock. I'm only what, 3 to 5 times as strong as a normal mortal?

My favorite item drop has to be the taser though. I cackle as my mind is filled with images of the stupid home invading fledges convulsing on the ground.

...

I add electrical immunity or resistance to my list of things I need Amy to learn how to cast for me.

Shaking my head and getting back to work, I'm almost done shoving my loot into the truck's crew cab when I finally notice just what's in the cargo bed, "they have farms in California? Oh right, strawberries and wine." I'm staring at a truck full of fertilizer. I look at the road flares in my hand, and then back at the car that I've been in long enough that I'd bet I left something forensic behind. "Perfect."

Fertilizer, even the chemical kind, doesn't actually explode like in the movies. It does however burn real nice once the water that it's usually stored with evaporates, and it'll give the forensics teams an extra pile of nonsense to sort through. I load the patrolman into my old car, upending a bag of fertilizer into the front and back seats each. I pause briefly to burn the everloving shit out of where I bit him on the neck with the first road flare before tossing it in his lap to ignite the car's seat. The other flares rapidly follow.

There's a lot of smoke, and then, just as I crest the hill in my new truck, I spot flames coming out of the car window. I wonder idly what the investigators will make of a half naked patrolman missing all of his blood and sitting in the driver's seat of the car he pulled over while it burns to cinders. I don't want to know enough to stick around though. "Welcome to the Darkside, Farmer Bob." I pat his shoulder encouragingly and he blinks at me a few times. "Later tonight you can be the cookies we were supposed to have." The sign for LA seems to think that later will be in about fifty miles. When the shoulder radio starts screaming officer down and calling for backup 15 minutes later I have Bob pitch it out the window.


	6. Part 5 - Caritas Matchmaking Services

**Part 5 - Caritas Matchmaking Services:**

 **-Caritas-**

I pause At the top of the stairs leading down to Caritas entryway. I run my reasons for being here through my head one last time.

Away from the Hellmouth's presumed influence, my thoughts on the topic are less enthusiastic, but no less conclusive. I've been in this crapsack reality that claims I'm living in a McDonalds, and yes that still bothers me, for 3 days. 3 days during which I've been vulnerable to seers and psychics and who knows what manner of voodoo. I plaster a smile on my face and head down the stairs. As long as I avoid singing anything I should be fine. I'm not positive just where Lorne's flashes of insight come from and I don't really want to draw the attention of any meddlesome powers. I definitely don't want Jasmine poking her nose in my business.

The place is busy at 3 AM, which isn't all that surprising given that a third of the crowd are allergic to sunshine. Or rather, at least a third, most of the other two thirds are things I can't identify so who knows how they feel about anything. Making my way over to the bar, I claim a stool and order a pint of blood from Ramone. I frown at the glass of red liquid he slides over to me, not because it isn't blood, or smells wrong or anything like that. I'm just not sure I like the implications of the part where I watched him pour the glass before I got to my seat to order it. I'd ask what gave me away but he's already headed on down to the next patron... who has a fantastic pair of legs and, oh, she's also Lilah Morgan and, I'm... not suicidal so... nope, no thank you.

I stare at my drink and studiously resume my contemplations of how worried I should be that the bartender either knew I was a vampire from the across the room, or was able to foresee my choice of drink order. Neither bodes well for me. I haven't made a proper dent in either my thoughts or my drink when Lorne slides into the seat next to me with an amused expression on his face. "And what brings you in tonight stranger?" I note in the mirror that Lilah has finished ordering and is returning to her table full of people in suits... and I'm a duh, of course the bartender could tell I was a vampire, my lack of reflection is something of a giveaway. My mystery is solved, and Lilah can't eavesdrop from where she's busy... celebrating Lindsey's promotion to junior associate maybe? all is well with the world again.

Worry abating, I turn to Lorne with a grin, "The local yellow pages actually. Well, sort of... I'm new in town, and I'm looking to get a tattoo, but AT&T doesn't seem to have any way of telling me which of the umpteen hundred tattoo artists around here won't lose their shit when I show up sans pulse." I gesture towards the mirror where Lorne's reflection is talking to empty air. This was all true. The phone book in the Hotel I commanded Farmer Bob to check us into really did have multiple pages worth of tattoo artists listed for the greater L.A. area.

Lorne promptly reminds me why precognition annoys me by waving over a female... Brachen demon? Either way she's spiky and... covered, in tattoos, "Emilia darling, that mystery client I told you to wait here for has arrived." What? Seriously? Gods damn it! I didn't even so much as hum a tune. Lorne wanders off looking pleased with himself. He didn't even give me a chance to ask about the sanctuary spell the furies cast on the place.

Emilia steals the seat Lorne vacated. "Hi, I'm Emilia. Tattoo Artist." She smiles faintly and holds out her hand.

Ah well, show time. "Jack... Security Consultant." I'm not really sure why I said it, if forced to choose I blame my recent thoughts on the flaws in the sanctuary spell regarding humans or externals. Her smile widens into a full blown grin and her eyes light up, I begin to feel more than a little set up. As Emilia starts telling me about her ex-boyfriend that won't accept the ex- part of that story, I mentally plan out Lorne's murder. I've only existed for 3 days, and I'm already about to suffer Side Quest Damage. Gods Damn It.

Emilia pulls in her spikes and Lorne's sins are immediately forgiven.

 **-Emilia's Apartment/Studio-**

Two weeks later, I'm reclining in what looks and feels to me like a simplified dentist chair while Emilia puts the finishing touches on her work.

I'm pulled out of my daydream when I notice Emilia's needle has been paused for a while. She's peering down at my face, "Jack, what did you say to Sean anyway?"

I cock my head to the side as I stare up at the girl, "Say to Sean?" what to the who?

"Yeah, to get him to leave me alone." Oh, Sean must have been the ex-boyfriend.

I think back a week, I'm not sure I actually said much of anything to him. I remember deciding to chalk the whole thing up as a lesson in dealing with precogs. A decision that followed immediately after noticing that the girl now straddling my lap very strongly resembled the chick that played Sif in the Marvel movies, but with lots of tattoos. Dear Libido, why art thou suicidal? Seriously, first Lilah Morgan and now a Valkyrie.

In spite of my initial reservations, I actually did learn a lot.

I learned that if you go to Caritas to find a tattoo artist, and find one waiting there, one who's got experience with the kind of tattoo work you want done, and who is there specifically waiting for you, that there will be a catch. In this case the catch was that she didn't want money, at least not any more than the costs of the special inks. What she wanted was for me to make her ex-boyfriend, Sean, apparently, stop stalking her. Side Quest Damage, just like I predicted.

I confirmed that stalkers are as predictably easy to find and catch as one might expect. You simply wait for them to show up near their target.

I learned that my new tazer works on full blood Brachen demons, and that when tazed, said Brachen Demons convulse quite hilariously. Once tazed however, they are still quite a bit heavier than they appear. I also determined that I had misplaced some key part of the tazer's charger which was sad, but hopefully it's lost in the truck and not along a roadside in L.A.

I discovered that Brachen Demon blood tastes better than the pigs blood Liam kept in the fridge. Which is to say that it merely tastes terrible. Blech!

I found that while Brachens are beyond my ability to Thrall, and are apparently fairly fire resistant and handle blunt trauma exceptionally well they seem to have no particular resistance to edged or piercing weapons. I also found that those spikes on Brachen Demons are bone, and attach seamlessly to their skulls. As is often the case when magic is involved, this made no biological sense when considering that half-Brachens spikes are retractable. Ah well, they do snap off if you manage to apply enough force, I checked, so there's that.

At that point the test subject died, and I called off further testing for fear of polluting the data pool. I'm not sure if dead demons maintain their demonic traits yet after all.

...

Oh, and I also verified the fairly obvious fact that curiosity is not a survival trait in hotel managers, even if the other guests report strange noises. This is particularly true for any hotel managers that happen to look so fucking delicious. It was a fantastic night.

None of this however, involved _talking_ to the err... Sean? So, I'm fairly sure it's not what Emilia is asking about. "You know, I don't recall needing to say much to him at all actually," I paused for a moment as inspiration struck, "though I think I conveyed a fair bit via facial expression." I slide into gameface, "and he seemed to understand that he can't bother you ever again." I stretch languidly, careful not to dislodge my rider. Looking down my chest now seems to match the manikin I'd brought in with me, "all done?"

"Almost," she smirks down at me and starts rocking her hips, her arousal flooding my senses. Jesus Christ on a cracker woman, you want to go again!? This will make the fifth time so far today. I start bucking up into her. What? It's not like I'm going anywhere before the sun fucks off… or did you miss the part where I said she looks like Sif?

I should probably add the fact that female half-Brachens are _really_ flexible to my notes... later.


	7. Part 6 - Side Effect May Include

**Part 6 - Side Effect May Include:**

 **-Emilia's Apartment/Studio-**

It turns out I hadn't needed to ask Emilia if she was all finished. I felt it the moment the… magical circuit, or whatever you want to call it, completed. I can feel it now, slowly siphoning power from me to maintain its effect. It feels… weird, like the sensation of sucking in air, but reversed and not associated with any particular body part I have nerves attached to. My respect for Lindsey's magical skills and power ratchet up a notch simply for being able to handle this as a mortal. I can feel myself… digesting? burning? …using blood faster now to compensate for the power draw. I think I may have just doubled my caloric needs, possibly more.

I'm hungry. My new tattoo itches and tingles and feels slightly warm to the touch.

I stagger out of Emilia's combination parlor, studio, condo... place the instant the shadows are long enough to make it practical. Even knowing that she would taste vile I was starting to find it difficult to resist.

A homeless man is leaning against a building as I go by. I offer to buy him dinner.

I toss the blood-drained body in the alley dumpster and, with the hunger subsiding, make my way over to Caritas. A lot of work has gone into setting up this meeting, it won't do to be late.

I've been by a few times in the past weeks converting cash into extra blood I could store in Emilia's fridge for after our morning long ritual of her carving up my skin with a needle. I've learned to sense to that slight prickling sensation in the back of mind when I cross the threshold of the sanctuary spell. Or at least, I assume that's what it is since it happens every damned time I clear the second to last step before going in the door. Maybe learned to associate the two would be more accurate.

I mention all this so that I can properly convey how incredibly not surprised I was when I took that very step, and my new tattoos got warmer, suddenly pulling in more power as they fought to… actually I have no idea why they're so angry. The surprising part was just how much power they were suddenly gulping down. I don't recall Caritas being under surveillance, mystical or otherwise, let alone something that feels so overpowering. I take a step back, confirming they cool off when outside the spell's zone of effect. They heat up once more as I slowly walk into Caritas.

Screw it, they're running just barely hot enough to even qualify me for having a fever. I'll just... drink some ice water with my blood, yeah. It's probably time to actually have that conversation with Lorne about just how the sanctuary spell works. I sit down at the bar where Ramone has already placed my glass of blood.

...

Wait. Okay, so the tattoos are objecting strenuously to the sanctuary spell. That... means something right? They block scrying, precognitive seers, ... and modern surveillance equipment. Kind of an eclectic mix, but I'm a vampire in a TV show, so who am I to throw stones. They all turned on at once, so it's not a piece by piece set of blocking effects, it's some sort of systematic preventative effect? I think I hate magic for its fuzzy symbolic logic. I push my empty glass away and it's refilled a scant moment later. Clearly, I'm protected against more than just remote viewing and extrasensory perception. Lindsey wasn't caught or killed, so I'd imagine they couldn't use tracking spells, or summoning spells on him either. Or directly curse him dead for that matter.

Modern surveillance gear is the odd duck of the bunch, but if I ignore that for the moment or lump it under extrasensory perception with the other hyper-cognitive bullshit... Ah, Fuck it, I'm probably over thinking it, and clearly far too annoyed to think it through properly, the blood is helping though. The simplest means of accomplishing the effect would be to block the ability of magic to target my person. Okay, that makes sense, the I already knew the sanctuary spell made judgment calls about the beings it was affecting since humans aren't stopped from doing violence, and I really ought to try to remember to mention that to Lorne. I can for the Sanctuary spell's details from him in exchange. I guess my tattoos are preventing, or at least interfering with, the spell from determining the particulars of my personhood? Thinking back to the table I saw smashed when a card game stopped being friendly, I hope that the spell's logic doesn't default case me as an object. Probably safest to assume it does though. Sometimes I really hate magic's fuzzy fucking logic.

My internal debate is derailed when I notice Lorne staring at me with a puzzled expression. I groan, do I want to know what these things are doing to my aura badly enough to risk Lorne doing basic math? It seems the answer is yes because I smile and wave him over. "Something wrong Lorne?" I keep my expression cautiously curious. I suppose this is the true test. Can I lie to an empath?

Lorne glares at me. I guess I can't quite fool Lorne? "Even without an aura you're radiating smugness. What did you do?" I blink at that. I have no aura? I guess that's better than Lorne being able to read me like a book, but still, kinda unexpected.

"That's strange." I don't have to fake my confusion. Actually, no, I take that back, that makes perfect sense, I'm suppressing whatever makes me register as a person, like say the auras all people have. I quickly cover my epiphany with another, "I'd have expected it to be bizarrely chaotic, but not missing," And on that topic, take that Scoobies, I'm people! Not that I can prove it anymore... "I... uh... had a chaos mage scramble it for me." I try to sound sheepish, but I may not have succeeded given that I was slightly distracted. Suck it eavesdroppers. Yes, you, I see you over there, listening in.

"Why would you do that? That's ... insane." Lorne looks properly horrified, and I guess I can see how Lorne would think that. If auras work the way I'd expect from Tara bits of dialogue, the chaos I just described is how I bet a completely bat-shit crazy person would look. Granted, now I wonder what Tara will think if she sees me.

I shake my finger at Lorne with a not-so-mock glare, "It's your fault actually. You set me up with Emilia."

Lorne's expression barely even flickers to nervousness, I suspect he's grown used to the sanctuary spell's protections already. "Hey now, I did no such thing. All I did was point you out to Emilia, and I thought you two would get along great! I didn't mean any harm." Oh, he thinks I'm angry about something Emilia did? Hardly. Emilia is fucking fantastic... or fantastic at fucking... and everything in between.

I laugh at my thoughts, "that's what I mean! Emilia and I get along beautifully. If we hadn't been thrown together by an empathic precog I'd be incredibly suspicious of that. But that's the point! You pulled all that out of _my_ future by listening to _her_ sing. Do you have any idea how mind numbingly terrifying that is? Of course I immediately sought out and found a way to scramble my future's predictability." I may be over acting, but between the dude in the suit eavesdropping, and the way my tattoos itch, I have plenty of annoyed to push into my speech. Suit man is definitely dinner tonight, just on principle, fuck you very much Wolfram  & Hart. I sigh, "The aura thing was unexpected, but I'll take it. Not every reader out there is as fucking Californian as you. I mean, fucks sake Lorne, you make surfer bros look positively uptight." Misinformation rant complete, I chug glass number... 4..? 5..? of blood and take a breath. "Anyway, I'm supposed to be meeting someone here tonight. If the chaos mage was right, and any good at his job, you _won't_ be able to point him out to me just from looking at me."

Lorne looks thoughtful, but Ramone drops off another round and grins at me, "He may not know who you're here to meet, but _I_ do." Slightly singsong voice and everything. The fucking help is mocking me.

"Gods damn it Ramone. What did you do?" fucking great, Ramone has some way of predicting me that got past my tattoos.

Ramone shrugs at me and points at suit guy, shit-eating grin still plastered on his face, "I answered his question when he asked me if you were the Mr. Winters he was here to meet." Oh. Okay then. I can't really justify eating Ramone over that. Not when he's the man that keeps my glass of blood full.

But still, I stare at Ramone retreating back, "wiseass," ... whoops, I never did order that ice water. I sigh, apparently the guy in the suit is Emil's minion not Wolfram & Hart's, I guess I won't eat him seeing as it took me 2 weeks and abusing Caritas' reputation as neutral ground just to get a meeting with that man's minion. I roll my eyes and wave the man over to a no longer empty table. Who'd have thunk that it'd be difficult for a vampire showing up out of nowhere to get a meeting with a supernaturally aware black market arms dealer. Actually, come to think of it, I'm not sure it was the vampire part they objected to, but rather that they thought I was a cop. I shudder to think how many hoops I'd have had to jump through if I wanted anything that was actually illegal. Now, let's find out how much a collapsible arm sword thing costs.

 **-Los Angeles Magic Shop-**

I grit my teeth as another of Mother's little migraines bounce around my skull. Whatever Mother did to me seems to be aware that I've accomplished what I came here to do, and is trying to drive me back to Sunnydale. I grip the bookcase to keep my hand from twitching along with the rest of me. Forcing the blade to fold back into its arm mounted holder is a pain. And that's not even touching on how difficult it would be to explain to the owner, who is most likely some manner of practitioner, why a fucking sword just assembled itself into my hand. I don't really have a good excuse for that, even assuming he doesn't set me on fire before I can try. Hell, I can't even explain how the thing really works. I may have underestimated Emil, because I strongly suspect that the device I have strapped to my arm is casually violating the laws of physics every time I trigger it. Some manner of minor magic is clearly involved, which makes me wonder if the man could get me a lightsaber if I paid him enough.

Repeating the my plans to return to Sunnydale soon like a mantra has been getting less and less effective with every passing episode, but eventually I feel confident in my control over my limbs. I take out my phone and call Amy to make sure she doesn't already have a copy of any of the books that seem interesting. No Service. I sigh, and head outside.

...

No Service.

I'm halfway through my checklist of common phone fixes when I realize I might be in trouble. I put the phone down on a newspaper box and take a step back. Full Bars. That low base level warm tingle that my tattoos have been giving off cuts off abruptly.

I step back towards the phone. Full Bars. I pick it up. No Service, tingly tattoos. I put it down. Full Bars, tattoos go quiet. I place my finger on it. Full Bars. Another finger? Full Bars. Two fingers and a thumb? Full Bars. I pinch it between my thumb and forefinger lightly. No Service, tingles.

Gods Damn It. Apparently cell tower triangulation or GPS or some other important phone related service counts as surveillance.

...

Also the magic seems to have a very limited understanding of what constitutes possessing an item, only extending its protections to things literally in my grasp. Magic... why are thou so bugger-fucking ridiculous half the time?

I put the phone on speakerphone and call Amy, carefully never gripping the phone. For now, it can 'belong' to the newspaper box.

"Hello?"

"Hi Amy, Do you already have a cop-"

"Hello?"

"...Amy? Can you hear me?"

"Hello!? Ungh." Amy hangs up on me.

I stare at the now useless, to me anyway, phone. I really should have seen that coming.

I guess it's time to go home after all. Mother's migraine must be so pleased with itself.


	8. Interlude 1 – Greco-Roman Gossips:

**Interlude 1 – Greco-Roman Gossips:**

 ***** POV "Emilia" *****

"Bye Emilia."

"Bye Jack," I close the door behind him.

Am I supposed to be upset that he's leaving me so abruptly? I think I'm supposed to be upset. Mortal women are weird like that, it makes pretending to be one rather vexing. Fortunately Jack rarely showed any more interest in going through those sorts of motions than I did, and when he did look like he was starting to notice I simply abused the blood supply issue that all males seem to share, even ones that constantly drink blood. Rational thought loses every time when confronted with a pretty face and a nice rack. ...Men!

With a thought I abandon the silly mortal residence I spent the past weeks in and return home.

My nosy half brother is there when I arrive. This had better be good. "Hermes, what brings you all the way out here to see little old lesser goddess me?" I'm not bitter about the distinction. No. Never.

Hermes doesn't seem to care, he's practically vibrating in place. "Eris! You'll never guess what's happened! ... what are you wearing? Oh, I don't care. You have to hear this." Of all the... Of course it's gossip that has my brother so excited.

Changing into my toga with another thought, I yawn and roll my eyes, "oh, pray tell, what has father stuck his cock in this time?" see this face? This is my enthused face, I swear.

"Please, nothing so commonplace as that! Would I come all this way to see you if it was just that?" Okay, he might have a point. He generally doesn't bother with his 'lowly half sister.'

"Oh, you in particular will love this. It seems our cousin Janus got rather drunk at Bacchus's latest party and decided it would be a marvelous idea to kidnap a mortal from one of _those_ worlds. Treaty violations be damned! Only now he can't seem to remember where he left him and no one can seem to locate him."

Well... if he had to get caught, at least he's also drunkenly forgotten that I gave him the idea, and helped him do it. Or maybe he just doesn't want to admit I tricked him? I roll my eyes, "and are we sure he didn't just imagine the whole thing in a drunken stupor?"

"Oh very, the Elder Powers are all in a tizzy. Apparently our mysterious little mortal has been making ripples in their precious plans." Even my brother snorts at that.

"And they can't find him? Have they checked with Uncle Hades and his crowd? Mortals do tend to die after all." It couldn't possibly be that I was hiding him, his body anyway, while enchanting that body to hide him for me. After all, If they find him, my game ends.

"Well of course they have, and that's the best part, he did die, and he _was_ there. But! Before he could finish processing he went _missing_. From the afterlife."

Wait... "What!? Souls don't go missing from the afterlife." Not even souls from those sorts of places. They don't. It doesn't happen. Even better, I didn't do it!

"I know! I haven't had this much to talk about in ages! The death gods are in uproar because a soul is missing. The Powers are all yelling at each other while watching everything slide towards chaos, which I so want you to promise you'll make sure I'm there to watch when you go to gloat about to Concordia."

I nod distractedly at my brother. This is amazing! I have no idea what happened! I love surprises, they are so the very best part of being a Chaos goddess. "Come on Brother, I want to go rub it in her stuck uptight face right away." This will be so much fun!


	9. Part 7 - Malfunctioning Witches

**Part 7 - Malfunctioning Witches:**

 **-Greater Los Angeles Area-**

I lift up the dumpster's lid, shoving Beardsley in before allowing it to fall back down again.

"SIGH!" I declare to the night while making my way back out of the alley and resuming my walk. Maybe selling the truck to buy a folding sword wasn't the best idea..? pffftt... I regret nothing! Except, you know, for the part where I'm walking through the outskirts of Los Angeles with a bag full of the loot I didn't want to part with, or couldn't hock in time, looking for a new set of wheels.

I think... I dislike feeding on the homeless, I should stop doing it. I don't mean that as a slight against the homeless, they taste the same as anyone else. But it's like opening up your happy meal and finding an empty toy bag inside. Sure, the food still tastes fine, but now you're upset and the whole experience is ruined. I can't shake the sense that killing someone and then not taking their stuff is conduct unbecoming of a professional murderhobo, even if it is only because of the other guy failing to have anything to take.

Beardman had been especially upsetting. He didn't struggle, just told me repeatedly "I'm no one" while trying to back through the wall.

I sigh again, "DISA... POINTE-. Oh, hello!" I whistle. She's... perfect. Black. An absolutely fan-fucking-tastic rear end... which it looks like some overweight white guy is trying to force his way into. Not okay, she's mine now, I've decided. Out with you!

I cross the street and pull the guy out of the back of my new pickup truck, spinning him around to face me. ' _STOP_!'

Huh, well, that's unfortunate. I'm left staring into the eyes of an extremely confused looking... construction worker, maybe? A sensation not unlike trying to drink from a straw and finding out that the cup has already be reduced to just slowly melting ice leaves my expression mirroring his in confusion.

I recover first, reaching up and snapping his neck with a sharp twist. I push him back into the truck, filling what little bit of space isn't taken up by bags of... concrete mix? It's probably vendor trash, but it's better than the nothing the Bearded Wonder had on him. Maybe I'll find a use for it back home some day. Although the only person I can think of that would know how to turn the bags into actual concrete things is a Xander of the future that Mother has declared verboten. Meh, whatever, mine now.

I must have been pumping some manner of power into my Thrall that is now being used to power my tattoo's fight against the wretched evils of cell signal towers. Fishing the keys out of dudeguy's pocket, I close the the gate and admire my new prize. Flatbed long enough to "sleep" in? check. Windowless flatbed cover to keep the sun out of my fucking face? check. I'll have to block the gate window, but shouldn't be too hard. Might need to find a way of ventilating it lest I discover vamps are susceptible to heat stoke the hard way.

I do believe I shall call her... Sheila. Even if she isn't blue, or a tank.

It occurs to me as I pull out onto the road that I have no experience driving anything this size. Fun.

 **-Abandoned mansion-**

I pull up in front of the mansion a little over an hour before dawn.

Silence from inside? That's... strange, I was expecting that, having been gone for two weeks, the place to be full of more obnoxious squatters.

I push open the door cautiously, half expecting to find a shotgun or crossbow rigged to shoot at any entrant. Disappointingly, if there was any such attempted donation to my collection of weaponry it was stolen prior to my return along with the blackout curtains. That actually explains the lack of habitation, the rooms are quite airy without those.

Given that the creepy demon statue has been demolished with what looks like extreme prejudice, I elect to blame the Scoobies for my home's current state of ransack.

Fuck, I really need to get around to learning my way about the tunnels under this city. Looks like I'm waiting out the Sun in Sheila today.

 **-Madison Residence-**

I knock on Amy's door. I'm going to need to find a way around my cellular difficulties. It's just not worth dealing with T-9 style texting.

Her, I assume, father answers the door. "Hi... Mr. Madison? I'm Jack, is Amy home?"

Mr. Madison seems to be giving me a once over, as though trying to decide if he approves of my talking to his daughter, good man, keep my witch safe.

...

Then he completely spoils the effect by exhibiting all of the poor sense that led to him marrying Catherine, and invites me in, indicating Amy is in the study and then wandering away. The kindest explanation I can come up with is that Catherine did some work on the man's mind to make him just go with the flow around here. I have to shake my head at the foolishness of it all.

I walk into the study, which is really more Catherine's private library, and am appeased slightly by the startled look on Amy's face and the smell of fear. At least someone in this town appreciates how dangerous it is. Granted, it's exactly the wrong person of course, but it does go some way towards explaining how there are any humans left here. Although... She looks... guilty? rather than concerned. That's... concerning.

"Evening Amy. You look nervous. Is there something wrong?" I don't appear to be helping by leaning in towards her and smiling. She doesn't seem to find my smile reassuring in any way shape or form. I can't imagine why.

"You- You- I'm Sorry!" ... the fuck is she on about now? I raise an eyebrow and wait for her to make sense of herself, smile turned grin fixed firmly in place. It seems to alarm her for some reason.

"How did you get in here?" she seems legitimately confused. Did she have some manner of sixth sense my trip to L.A. has rendered blind to me?

"Uh... the front door?" I glibly gesture back the way I came.

"But I dis-invited you!" She slams her hand over her mouth. Gods, it's like we're in a TV show or something. Still, teaching her not to let important information slip will have to take a back seat to dealing with her new found... Actually I have no idea what she's trying to accomplish here. Is she trying to turn in her two weeks? Mutinying? ...Teenagers...

"And?" I roll my eyes at her, making sure to keep her hands and lips in my field of vision the entire time in case she tries something fiery.

"Vampires need an invitation to enter!" she hisses at me. She's much cuter, but no more informative, when she's riled up than when she's terrified. Both appear to be easy enough states to drive her into though, sadly.

"Yes, which your loving father was happy to provide." Alarm flashes across her face, "No, I didn't do anything to him. We have a deal remember... or are you seriously attempting to make that 'had a deal' now?" Dealing with this after being stuck in an oven masquerading as a truck, unable to even fall asleep to make the time pass, is making me tetchy. Knowing it doesn't seem to be helping me supress it though.

"No! I just- You-" She's crying now. Why is she crying? Crying usually happens during the killing, maiming, and eating stages, not the 'tell me whats going on' stages, of a conversation.

"Okay. Clearly something happened while I was gone. You were fine when I left, and now you're a gibbering wreck... Oh... Oh gods damn him. I am going to rip Rack's fucking heart out, without killing him first" My vision is actually tinging red in rage, I didn't know that could actually happen, that fucking fuck broke my witch.

I'm about to charge out into the night when Amy manages to resume contributing to the conversation "Wha- Who?" ... I thought I was reasonably clear. "Who- Please don't kill me." Her fear is filling the room.

I pull in my fangs and take deep, purely unnecessary breaths, until the red recedes from my vision. Clearly I'm making Amy even more unhinged than she already was and that won't help us sort anything out. "Use your words Amy."

She nods, takes in deep breathes of her own, and appears to calm down. Slightly. Maybe? I keep her hands in sight and watch for flames. "Who's Rack? Why are you going to rip his heart out?"

"...You don't know who Rack is?" She shakes her head no vigorously enough that I'm concerned about whiplash.

... I stare at her. She stares at me. None of this makes any sense.

"Okay. You've never met Rack?" more vigorous head shaking. "Then... what... is your malfunction? You were fine two weeks ago and now we're back to the 'please don't kill mes' and you literally twitching in place like a fucking cornered rabbit." Going to pieces under stress is not a useful trait in minions.

"You-" Deep breaths Amy, "You tortured that guy" the fuck? ... does she mean that uh ... Emilia's ex? How did she? "It- It was on the news. I recognized your car."

My car? I had a truck when I was conducting my stress testing, "... what are you talking about?"

"The cop! that you killed with a road flare!" well that clears up nothing, but at least she's done stuttering.

"I didn't torture any cop- ... oh. You mean the patrolman? He was already dead when I found the road flares. Wait, THAT is what set you off. Fucks sake woman."

"You only said you wouldn't eat us. Not anything about..." she looks uncomfortable.

"So. All of this, " I gesture between us, "was because I didn't know if Vampire bites could be swabbed for DNA." I suddenly appreciate why Giles cleans his glasses so much, it'd be very cathartic right now, I settle for pinching the bridge of my nose. Amy is mouthing DNA silently and looking confused. If that isn't an indictment of the Sunnydale school system I don't know what is. I wish I could claim surprise. "Not important. So, let me make sure I have this straight. You decided that our deal was too specific, found and cast a dis-invite spell, and then panicked when I got in anyway?" At her nod, "And you've never met Rack?" How the... wow, I guess Amy's... Amy-ness is all her mother's doing. That... actually doesn't shock me. Err... speaking of Amy's mom, "And... how has your dad not come crashing in here to see why we're yelling at each other?" I really need to investigate how much Catherine broke him.

"Mom put a soundproofing spell on the room."

"Oh. Well. Uh... " where do we go from here? "How about we make the deal I agree not to eat, or otherwise harm, you, or your dad, and we get back to work?"

"You're not mad?"

"Not really. Confused as fuck as to what you thought you were going to accomplish with a dis-invite spell, but not really mad. I mean, come on, what exactly was your plan there?"

"...what do you mean?"

"You dis-invited me right? which would imply you thought our deal was over yeah?" An amusing thought all by itself, as if I'd let you slip though my fingers.

"uh..."

"So. What was your plan? What were you going to do when I set fire to the house? Or drove my truck into it?" Or fucking shot at you with a gun from outside the house you silly... I sigh, "We'll work on it. Finding solutions to those two will be good practice."

Amy gulps loudly and latches onto my subject change, "uh, practice? for what?"

"Why did you think I went to L.A. to find out about a sanctuary spell? You spend 8 hours at night unconscious, and I can't be out in the day, keeping a roof and walls around us sounds important, yeah? So, we're going to protection ward the everloving shit out of our homes."

"Oh. Okay. Uh, so... who's Rack?" Oh, Gods Damn It.


	10. Part 8 - Tree Allergies

**Part 8 - Tree Allergies:**

 **-Madison Residence-**

How best to put this? "...Rack is... a warlock. The kind of warlock that makes your mother look positively tame." I pause a moment while Amy starts to look nervous. Wait, no, that's her nervousness face but she doesn't smell nervous...

"...Really?" oh very subtle Amy. Okay, clearly I need to nip this in the bud. I do not need Amy going to Rack for protection from Catherine. Or from me for that matter. "And you thought he'd done something to me?" that, at least seems like honest confusion.

Okay Amy, I can play this game. "Well yeah. I come back from Los Angeles and find you in your mother's study out of your gourd with fear... Rack, he's got a reputation for digging around in the darker magics. The kind that can mess up your head." I look pointedly at her, "He's like a drug dealer. The first hit is free, but after that..." I shrug, feigning disinterest, "in retrospect, I was being silly, I think you're probably too old for him by now."

"Too old?" Amy sounds confused, I guess subtlety wont work here.

"Yeah. His interest in, ah, _younger_ , girls is apparently noteworthy even among demons." I shrug again, "I never really saw the appeal in girls that haven't had their period yet, but," another shrug.

"Oh. OH! Gross!" And finally Amy is exuding the correct scents. Fear, disgust, anger. I'll have to keep an eye on her, make sure she doesn't backslide. Last thing I need is a junkie minion with divided loyalties, the idea was barely tolerable when I thought he'd gotten there first. I never did like sharing.

"Yeah, and that first hit is free business I mentioned? It's not always entirely... voluntary. So it's best to just stay clear of him." My piece complete, I nod in agreement with myself and move on. Oh, and speaking of disasters waiting to happen... "I need you to call Willow." I pull the Rosenberg's phone number out of my pocket.

...

"What? Why can't you call her?"

Well lets see, my cell phone currently cant get signal while in my hand, and refuses to detect my voice when I do manage to complete a call. But no, of course I can call Willow myself, "Uh, Vampire? Severely allergic to trees here."

One of Amy's I'm a teenage girl and I'm exasperated by you old people sighs later and she glares at me, "Seriously?" Excellent, we've successfully moved on from Rack.

"Okay, fine I'm actually allergic to self righteousness too. If I try to talk to her it'll all end it tears. There'd be indignant shouting of 'you're a vampire' and then with the grrr-ing and the arrg-ing... and then there's the death... and oh gods I don't feel like dealing with it." So, be a good minion and make the problem go away.

Amy smirks at that, but then glares at me even harder, hands fisted on hips, "and just what do you need from Willow that you don't think I can do?"

For fucks sake... I guess that rivalry was pre-existing? "Okay. One, no, nothing like that. Nothing magical. B, I want her to hack into the city records and get us a map of Sunnydale, including the sewers, and if possible the various caves and tunnels. Triple I, I'm sure you could cast whatever technomancy is required to pull it off just fine Amy. But! If willow gets arrested, that's Mr. Giles' problem. On the other hand, if _you_ get arrested, then I have to drive my ass up to Stockton and eat an entire prison complex worth of guards... and law enforcement types go straight to my hips! So really, I'd rather just, not have to do that. Okay?" Huh, I know father liked that joke... but can vampires actually get fat?

Amy is giving me that funny look she gets some times when she can't decide if she should be happy or upset with me. I've been getting that a lot tonight. "Okay, fine! I'll call Willow, jeez. What do I tell her I need this for anyway?"

How the fuck should I know, you're the one who grew up with her. I just watched her on TV. "You could tell her we're doing an amateur archaeology project?"

... We both pause for a moment and then in unison, "No, she'd want to join in."

"Oh! tell her you're looking to avoid running into any more vampires and demons so you want to make a map of where they're likely to show up?" That... isn't actually a terrible idea, we probably should make a map of places Amy shouldn't go alone. I'll probably have to find a way to phrase it that's less patronizing though if I want her to stick to it.

"... Same problem. What do we actually need the maps for anyway?"

"It's tradition!" I grin at her.

"...Tradition?" she doesn't look impressed. That's weird... oh right.

"Yeah, what kind of treasure hunt would it be without a map? I did mention the treasure right?" I'm very well aware I did no such animal.

"... treasure?" Amy's grin is suddenly no less enthused that my own, "tell me more." Finally, I've gotten her priorities straightened out.

"Okay, so treasure is valuable stuff that people left behind..."

"... _Jack!_ "

 **-Bellevu Residence-**

I'm not actually sure what Amy told Willow. I don't actually care either, beyond the fact that it worked.

It took Willow three days to get back to Amy with the files, and then another two for the local print shop, and oh gods those are still things back now?, to print out our huge map of the town.

I have said map taped up on Mrs Bellevu's dining room wall, she did pay for them after all, it only seemed fair that she get to see them.

Speaking of Mrs. Bellevu, is she bringing over, another, batch of cookies? I really need to watch what I say around Thralls now that I'm not accidentally turning them into sandblasted soup crackers. She's been baking for 7 hours now, and I haven't the foggiest how to get her to stop. I sigh, patting the little old lady on the head, before watching her head back to the kitchen. Yup, she's gotten out the mixing bowl again. I wonder what kind she'll make now? She's got to be running out of supplies. Shoving one of the... snicker-doodles? into my mouth I hand the plate full of cookies over to Amy who seems to be taking the whole Thralling her neighbor thing far better than expected. Maybe its all the free cookies I've been stuffing her with? She says magic makes her hungry, but I don't recall any magic being done recently. I'd tell her it's more likely the period she recently started, but I'm fairly certain I've already mentioned how little interest I have in experiencing fire first hand. I'm sure she already knows I can smell the blood.

Unfortunately, Willow's hacking skills can't do anything to obtain proper maps of the tunnels because they don't really exist. "Okay. So... ummm... Amy, is it just me or is the local geological survey completely fucking useless?" I throw my hands out to the sides indicating the whole map in front of me.

There's a whirring noise and Amy screams. "Jack! What the fuck!? Is that a sword?"

"Huh? Oh. Gods damn it. This thing is a pain in the ass to retract." I start the obnoxious process of forcing a three foot long blade of high grade titanium back into a nine inch long holster.

"GAH! Why do you even have that thing? You almost just stabbed me in the face! My face Jack, I would very much like it to remain unstabbed."

Okay, Amy may have a point there. "Sorry. Forgot I was wearing it." Click, click, and push... aha!

"How do you forget you're wearing a sword?"

"I put it on a week ago, and I've just sort of gotten used to the weight... Being supernaturally strong probably helped." Sword returned to its holster, I return to glaring at the map.

"...How... do you shower with that... urg... Jack when was the last time you showered?"

"Emilia's, she liked morning shower sex." I circle possible site number 12 before allowing myself to reminisce. I'm too annoyed to properly enjoy the memory though. Would it have fucking killed my Brother to mention, at any point, some manner of landmark near wherever he found the damn Gem? But no, I get to work off a montage of roads collapsing.

"Jack! That's gross. You haven't seen Emilia in almost a week. ... The fact that you remember her name is actually kinda weird." Huh, that is weird. Then again...

I turn to look at Amy, she's got one arm on her hip and the other is pointing at me accusingly with a half eaten cookie. "What? It's not like I sweat, or grow skin cells to then have flake off or any of that stuff anymore. What does it matter? I clearly don't smell or you'd have noticed before now."

"That is not the point! Upstairs! Shower! Now!"

"Fucks sake woman, hold on. Let me finish this section of the map first and then I'll meet you up there. Jesus, you're as bad as Emilia when you're..." I trail off as warning klaxons go off in my brain.

"Oh my god, No! I'm not- " She huffs, "Alone Jack, go upstairs and shower, alone." Right. Waking up on fire bad.

I roll my eyes at my hormonally addled witch, who has apparently forgotten which of us is in charge. Then I glare at the frustratingly incomplete map. If the rest of the city is like the half I already did there's going to be over two dozen possible sites to check, "Fuck it. Fine. I'm going. You deal with marking the map"

The smell of oatmeal raisin cookies is coming from the kitchen when I pass it on the way to the stairs. Women! They're all insane.

I'm standing in the shower glaring at the water a few minutes later when my tattoos suddenly start to glow and skip over warm in favor of searing heat. Then just as suddenly it's all over a little under a minute later. In that minute I've skipped from happily sated directly to 'fucking starving.'

What the hell was that? "AMY! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO!?"


	11. Part 9 - Digging is for Minions

**Part 9 - Digging is for Minions:**

 **-Bellevu Residence-**

"So... Amy... to recap, you didn't just try to scry or film me while I was in the shower, or in fact, do anything magical or espionage-like, at all, in the past, say, fifteen minutes? You have no idea what the naked vampire, standing in the dining room is talking about?" I'm not technically naked, I'm wearing my folding sword holster after all.

Amy nods distractedly at me from her corner. Apparently an angry looking naked vampire was cause for retreat.

"Well, damn. I was really hoping you had."

"Wait, what? I'm not a peeping tom!"

"If you didn't just try to scry for me... someone else, or something else, did. Worse, I have no fucking clue who or what would try to do that or why. " Maybe the mayor? Or whatever thrice damned power decided to drag me to Sunnydale? Mother might be upset that she can't See me anymore. And not even knowing if the... nouns... screwing with me are people or things is getting kind of old. I'm just going to name he, she, or it, Tom. and be done with it. My thoughts are interrupted by a hand feeling up my arm.

...It's not Amy. She's still in her corner trying, and failing, to suppress an acute case of the giggles. "Oh, hello Mrs Bellevu. Are you done baking cookies now?" Why didn't I eat her again? Oh yeah, the threshold that keeps the idiot fledges at bay. Home ownership laws are weird. Damn, the sun. I'm going to have to drink the warm lemonade.

I give her a mental nudge, sending her off to watch TV in the living room. If past experience is any judge she'll do that until she literally can't any more, so I make her take one of the plates of cookies, before I flounce- and isn't that a silly sounding word for angry walking- into the kitchen and down my entire supply of blood packets, cold. It's horrible. I'm still hungry, but I'm less liable to eat someone useful on impulse. Hmmm... I wonder if there's a blood type that fuels magic more efficiently? Slayer blood is supposed to be more potent, but also an aphrodisiac... maybe there are other... vintages..? of note? Something to look into when I'm not hunting down the vampire version of the Holy Grail.

When I get back to the dining room, Amy has finally left the corner I chased her into while interrogating her. The red tint to her checks, and repeating a whispered mantra of, "do not stare at the crazy naked vampire," rotating emphasis between crazy and vampire, reminds me that this is probably a problem best addressed while wearing pants.

"Amy... you are aware that I can hear you right? And repeatedly chanting do not stare only actually helps if you don't then proceed to stare."

"What!?" she eeeps. I guess she wasn't.

"Super hearing, just one of the many benefits of the flying brick package."

"Flying Brick?" Amy continues to stare, but her expression turns puzzled

"Yeah... as in like Superman?" More confusion from Amy who's mouthing 'brick' at me, "It's a ... comic books thing I think. Strong, fast, tough, and can fly. Usually with a whole host of other nonsensical powers just like Superman. Flying Bricks are Superman knockoffs"

"...You think you're Superman?" not quite the takeaway I was aiming for there, and she doesn't sound properly supportive at all. Bad minion... no more cookies for you.

"Well... no, but I'm strong, fast, tough, and in theory if Dracula can do it then I can probably learn to fly too. I also have the excellent sense of hearing... although my eye lasers currently seem to the on fritz, making old ladies bake cookies for 7 hours instead of..." Well honestly I can't think of anything better for her to be doing, and the cookies are pretty good even to my vampire shifted tastebuds.

"I'm pretty sure Superman likes the sun." She has a point, and I'm not really sure what actually made Bizarro Supes tick so I let that slide unmentioned.

I throw my hands up into the air. "Everyone's a critic." I'd be more upset that she doesn't consider me a candidate for the role of Superman if I wasn't pretty sure I was a shoo-in for The Joker. "Anyway, I'm going to go get dressed before Tom takes another shot at me." On the way up the stairs I pause in front of a mirror to try and sort out just what Amy found so damned distracting. I roll my eyes at myself when that works exactly as well as you'd expect and settle for staring down at myself. Hmmm... that's odd. I appear to be gaining muscle mass, not much, but still, any at all is unexpected. How I'm doing that is anyone's guess, I wasn't kidding when I told Amy my body didn't bother with things like sweat or the revolving layer of skin cells any more, and I can't say I've gotten much exercise lately. I suppose "it's a vampire thing" makes as much or more sense than, "Hollywood casting agencies did it" for why all the recurring vampires looked to be in great shape. Now, where did I leave my pants?

 **-Bellevu Residence-**

I stare at the map on the wall. Thirty seven possible locations, gods, there are a lot of crypts in this hell hole, how did William... oh right, he just dug up them all with a horde of minions. Ungh, "Amy, I think you need to call Willow again."

"Really Jack, can't you just look whatever it is up online yourself? Mrs. Bellevu does have a computer..." Amy points at the offending dread machine.

"No, I really can't," I hold the Du Lac Cross up at the Gateway computer as if to ward away a vampire. I've found twirling a cross, that Amy isn't aware is specifically warped enough to allow a vampire to hold, in my bare hands, has done wonders for her belief that I could be Clark Kent. Also, when I find the Gem of Amarra, she wont associate the start of my exhibiting bizarre immunities with our new treasure. Win-Win i think.

"Why not?"

"It uses Internet Explorer as it's browser!" Amy doesn't seem to appreciate how horrifying that is. Internet Explorer. As in the original. I shudder at the thought. Amy makes exasperated noises beside me while I elaborate, "I need a... I think it's call ground penetrating radar? Either way, it does exactly what I just said, so we should be able to check a few of these spots out without having to go spelunking."

"So... like a metal detector?"

"More like... a detector for caverns in the ground where metal might be. Better range than a metal detector too I think."

"Would a really strong metal detector work though?"

"Maybe a _really_ strong one," At this point Amy smells far too pleased with herself to merit anything but my undivided attention.

"So, how about I _don't call Willow_... and we use a spell that detects metal?"

"Amy... Do you know a spell that detects metal?" My grin is positively feral.

"Uh huh," Amy expression matches her scent, and is entirely justified in my opinion.

"And can it tell the difference between say... gold coins, and... iron hinges?" Crypts, sadly, are never entirely stone.

"Ummm..." Oh, damn it, that wont work then. "Coins and hinges no, but gold and iron yes." Well then! Fuck your horde of minions with their own shovels, William, I have a specialist. I give my specialist back her plate of cookies. Good Girl.

 **-Sunnydale Cemetery-**

Amy neglected to mention that the spell takes over an hour for her to cast and involves a fuckton of candles. At night. Near where you'd expect to find crypts.

It's our second attempt tonight, fifth overall. Amy's circle of candles flicker in the breeze, easily visible from where I'm perched on top of one of the larger non-crosslike grave markers. Also easily visible is the rapidly approaching shitshow.

I'm about to jump down and run interference so the Scoobies don't catch sight of Amy when I'm spared the hassle by a pair of fledglings accidentally volunteering for the job.

It's like watching a Three Stooges episode. The fledgling vampires are stronger and faster than the Scoobies, but they're also too fucking stupid to take proper advantage of that. So, inevitably, after a solid minute of faffing about with Oz and Xander, one of them gets staked in the back by Willow and the other takes off at a run swearing vengeance.

Understandably the Scoobs look tired but not overly concerned by the fleeing vampire's threats.

Team Scooby calls it a night without noticing myself or Amy, I think I hear Xander wondering if something is broken but I can't quite make out just what at this distance.

Their lack of concern regarding the fledgling's threats are retroactively validated a moment later when it gets too close to Amy and I lop it's head off. I never get tired of that brief look of shock and betrayal on the now free-falling head before it falls to dust when I do that.

Amy no longer seems concerned by approaching fledges. We had to repeat the ritual at the first site after she scrambled backwards through her candles to get away from a cloud of dust. I suppose by now she takes it on faith that my sub-vocally growled declaration of, "mine!" means I'm on top of things security wise. She finishes up her ritual and sighs disappointedly. "Nothing here either."

"Damn. Alright, on to site number six." This is going to take forever, I don't want to think about what it would have been like to dig all of these up. The level of patience my Brother occasionally exhibited is simply astonishing. And that's ignoring that he could live with Mother for a century. I almost drop the box of candles shuddering at the idea.


	12. Interlude 2 - Pavlov's Laughter

**Interlude 2 - Pavlov's Laughter:**

*** POV Amy ***

 **-Sunnydale Cemeteries-**

I stare at the crypt. It looks just like the previous six. "I guess there's a rule against originality in crypt design?" Jack smirks. He seems to find my observation amusing for some reason he isn't sharing.

That kind of worries me actually. Jack is generally all about oversharing. Oh _Goddess_ , the things I never wanted to know and can never un-hear or un-see now.

Next to me Jack rubs his hands together excitedly, Goddess save me from enthusiastic vampires, "I have a good feeling about this one... What is that? Can you smell that?"

Uh-uh Jack, not going to do it. I know better than to ask what you smell. Fool me once, I've learned my lesson. Enthusiastic, and wildly inappropriate, vampires. "Do vampires even have feelings? I mean I've seen you do Happy, Hungry, and Angry, but even puppies can manage those." Jack opens his mouth to respond, but long term exposure to his brand of humor already has me raising my hand to stop him as I realize my mistake. "And no, Jack, that is _NOT_ an invitation to start peeing on things, or hump my leg... Or chew up my shoes." I stare at him, waiting for any further signs of amusement.

Jack's huffs, and then mutters, "Spoilsport." Rolling my eyes, I shoo him off to patrol the area while I get to work setting up the candles so I can work my magic. Again. I think if someone had told me that I would one day manage to find a magic spell boring, instead of awe inspiring or, after my mom tried to steal my body, terrifying, I'd- -SNAP- Oh what did Jack do now?

I look towards the noise. Oh god there's a giant lizard demon charging at me. It looks hungry. Why do they always look hungry? I scream, scrambling backwards. I think I'm still screaming when I trip over a rock and tumble backwards. Oh God oh God oh God I'm going to _die_. My eyes screw themselves shut, they don't want to see me get ripped to shreds any more than I do. I hear the thing hit me, making a loud, wet, thunking noise as it... cackles at me..?

Wait, I know that laugh. I'm not in pain. My hands start crawling up and down my body searching for wounds while I pry one of my eyes open and force myself to look at the … At Jack slamming that _ridiculously_ over-sized hammer, that he's been insisting we bring with us everywhere, into the lizard demon thing. If the demon's face is any indication, it's hardly the first time Jack's hit it, and it sounds like it hurts. Jack and the green demon are whirling around lashing out at each other, neither one ever standing still, they're both moving so fast they're blurring at the edges. I look away. This part is never pretty and I really don't want to puke up lunch. Not again.

I need to calm down. Breathe in. Breathe out. Jack's doing that insane cackle he does when he's having fun fighting. Breathe in. Breathe out. I'm not sure he even hears himself doing it. Breathe in. Breathe out. He's having fun. It'll be fine. Breathe in. Breathe out. My limbs stop shivering and I shakily climb to my feet, continuing to listen to the sounds of battle and Jack's laughter.

It can't _possibly_ be healthy to find vampire laughing maniacally like a cartoon villain calming. Then again, he mostly seems to do it when he's busy reducing something that tried to hurt me into paste. So I guess I can't be blamed for learning to like it.

I think of that dream I had yesterday- Goddess, I've become nocturnal. I dream during the day now?- of my mom coming back to finish the job of killing me. Or steal my body back. I'm not sure which dream I hate more. I'm never strong enough to fight her. My mom _terrifies_ me, that can't be normal. Can't be healthy. Breathe in. Breathe out. Just like in my dream, Jack showed up. Breathe in. Breathe out. Just like in my dream, he saved me. It's what he does. Laughing like a maniac and gleefully murdering anything that tries to hurt me. Breathe in. Breathe out. My mom can't get to me anymore. Jack will eat her. I giggle. It's probably hysterics.

I woke up that evening with a smile on my face. I dreamt of my mom being ripped apart by a crazed vampire and woke up smiling. Who does that? Breathe in. Breathe out. I think I might be a terrible person. Breathe in. Breathe out. Doesn't matter. **_I'm safe_** **.** Behind me Jack's started interspersing profanity and shouts of, "Mine!" into his crazed laughter. I'm not a super big fan of the implications of that last one, but I think I can live with it. I might even live long enough to see graduation. Goddess this town is depressing. And Terrifying. At least Jack never looks at me like his next meal. For a vampire he's weirdly good about keeping a tight rein on that around me. I've seen how he sometimes stares at a passing jogger when he's stuck inside all day, but never at me.

I make the mistake of looking over when the sounds of battle stop. I spin right back around and resume staring directly away from the sight. Jack has apparently moved on the desecrating the corpse portion of his nightly entertainment. I think I just threw up a little. _Yup_. Definitely just threw up a little. Breathe in. Breathe out. Behind me Jack is grumbling angrily about evolution. Finally, a topic that doesn't make my brain want to gibber incoherently. How someone can be so very, very fascinated by magic, and still get so incredibly upset by the existence of magical creatures. And he seems to take it personally when magic doesn't behave in a manner he considers consistent. Seriously it's... _magic_ , it just... that's just how it is.

Finally something approaching calm, I force myself to focus on my work. I studiously look at nothing but my arranging of the candles. Jack eventually comes back over and plops himself down on a headstone nearby. "So," he starts twirling a pair of sharp looking spike of bone in his hands like they're magic wands. "That smell I mentioned? Apparently that's what a Polgara Demon smells like. Female… I think. That or I did something unfortunate during the fight. Or they don't have genders. Hmmm..." He pauses, holding up one of the bloody spikes, "Anyhoo, the important part is that they have these awesome skewer things that retract into their arms. Apparently they're stupidly hard to break. Like, I actually tried and couldn't do it. I had to dig this one out of it's arm muscles, which I found could break, or rip, cut, whatever. I think I might need a new Leatherman now though." He looks down at himself, "And maybe a new shirt too." Oh. Wow. There's more than a few holes the size of those spikes in his shirt. That must have hurt... I shudder. That... that's what that thing wanted to do to me?

"Gee, thanks for that visual. Do I even want to know why you've decided to keep those things?" Why Amy, why? Why do I let myself asks these questions.

"Oh! My Brother William likes to call himself Spike, I figured I'd give him one for Christmas," Jack's answer isn't nearly as horrifying as I expected until I realize the implications of the way he verbally capitalized the B in brother. It sounds just like the M when he talks about Drusilla... Oh Goddess! There are two of them!?


	13. Part 10 - Scooby Snacks

**Part 10 - Scooby Snacks:**

 **-Sunnydale Cemeteries-**

"You know, when I agreed with you that it was weird that all the crypts kinda looked the same yesterday I didn't expect the universe would comes up with… this." I mean, I figured it was just potential evidence that this is all some TV Show world with a low set design budget. I look the rather bizarre crypt over briefly before concluding that unlike the previous nine this one really doesn't even begin to match what I saw on the show. "Amy, this isn't it, it looks completely wrong." But, at least we're starting our night on a new note.

"Wrong?" Amy is still doing the trying to stare in every direction thing she started doing when that Polgara Demon got so close to her yesterday. Poor showing on my part really, I didn't realize the smell was anything so dangerous. The show somehow managed to fail in its conveyance of scent, which is really rather sad as there is so much information available that way. Ah well, now it'll be another few days before Amy stops twitching at random noises. On the plus side she doesn't seem to be putting any energy into her glares when she hears me call her 'my' witch. "Hello?" I apparently forgot to answer her in the midst of thinking about her.

"Oh... Yeah, it looks nothing like the description of the crypt we're looking for." Amy has been getting better about not asking awkward questions like, 'Who told you? How do you know this? Did you really need to actually beat that man to death with his own arms?' which I'm choosing to take as proof that those basic psychology courses father took back in the day still apply even after his inter-dimensional kidnapping.

"So we skip it?"

"uh… well… maybe not. I mean, we did find that kick ass door knocker in number 4. So just because the treasure we're looking for isn't here doesn't mean there isn't something to be found." One day I shall have that door knocker enchanted to bite anyone that tries to use it, it'll be hilarious, and a awesome way to preemptively maim any _overly polite_ enemies that come a knocking on my door. Hmmm... then again, if he ever actually held an election, I'd vote for him. Assuming I can vote. Mother _probably_ didn't file for a death certificate before burying me in the back yard right? Oh who the fuck knows, Mother could have filled out the form in Old English or ancient Sumerian just because it amused her briefly.

... I should learn how write in ancient Sumerian. I add it to _the list_.

"…Okay…" Amy sighs, and starts setting out her candles. Dear Sweet Christ on a Cracker woman! Could you possibly be any less enthusiastic about casting magic? It's magic! You are about to chant nonsense at the ground and then demand that it tell you what the fuck is down there _. AND THEN IT FUCKING ANSWERS YOU!_ How is that not absolutely fucking amazing!? I can't even levitate a fucking pencil yet and I'm still excited every time it twitches. Granted, after an hour of watching a twitching pencil I wind up needing to down another cup of lemonade, but the microwave helps make it slightly less atrocious tasting. I think I'm making progress.

I find a convenient, and much closer than usual, headstone to keep watch from. I have no more interest in a repeat of yesterday than Amy does after all. Well, maybe that's not entirely true. The fight with the Polgara demon was fucking amazing. I got to hit a demon in the head with a twenty pound sledge hammer. Repeatedly. But still, I'd rather not have to deal with Willow's… moral compass... so losing Amy isn't really something I can afford.

Despite her grumbling, Amy does her thing. As usual, my butt only fails to fall asleep because blood flow isn't a thing that I do anymore. Which is odd now that I think about it. I'm a blood demon. You'd think I'd be all about the normal blood type things. I wonder if an overcharged pacemaker could make my heart beat? Then again, extremely low blood pressure is my friend when being skewered repeatedly. Although the looks on the Scoobies face when they realize I have a pulse might be worth it. Ah fuck it, you know I'm bored when I start to consider their reactions to things.

I'm in the middle of my third re-count of the headstones when Amy leaps up, "I found something!" she points into the crypt.

Finally! Some enthusiasm. I follow her in, finding her staring at a fancy looking sarcophagus.

"It's, uh… maybe three feet below the stone… coffin thing." Seriously? You get a location? It's not just a simple yes or no response? And you were _bored!?_

"Sarcophagus."

"Gesundheit?"

"Stone coffin thing. It's called a sarcophagus."

"… Do vampires all gain some sort of weird coffin lore skill?"

"No, I just really liked that game Diablo."

"You ward off Mrs Bellevu's computer with a cross," Amy hesitates, clearly debating asking how I can do that again, before continuing, "But you loved a video game named after the devil. Why am I not surprised?"

"Hey! If man were meant to use Internet Explorer, he'd have been born without a brain." I feel like Archimedes would approve of my paraphrasing of his wise words on flying. Amy just doesn't understand the how much _Evil_ is represented by that little blue e. "But, we're off topic, you said three feet down?"

Amy nods, then hides behind me as stone chips begin to flee before the might of my sledge hammer. Three feet down, it turns out, is actually two feet below the floor. Somebody built this crypt on top of a treasure? Weirdo. Now I have to use a shovel… I really need to find some generic minions for this kind of make-work. Pulverizing a sarcophagus is fun, digging just lacks that same... panache. ... I probably could have just lifted it out of the way. Ah well. Time to play 'dig dug: /r/outside edition.'

Lifting the shovel up, a bit of gold glinting in the light has my groan of annoyance drowned out by Amy's happy squeal. Amy snatches up the amulet and shines her flashlight on it. Her grin falters as my shouted, "Gods Damn It," reaches her brain, she drops the amulet like it burned her and stares at it suspiciously.

"What's wrong? Is the amulet dangerous?" Well no, if we ignore the obvious issue of curses and contagion I'm sure it's fine. But that's not the problem.

"Not directly… but it's owner is just... kind of like Jabba the Hutt." Discovering Amy liked the movies was an amazing accident. Almost as amazing as realizing that Jar-Jar doesn't exist yet. Even weirder, so did Mrs. Bellevu… well, as much as she's capable of liking or disliking anything at the moment. Just because my currently lower powered Thrall forced me to be more subtle, doesn't mean I fully understand what's going on in that woman's mind. I _think_ she believes Amy and I are like a step beyond her favorite grandkids? it would explain the cookies, and her new found tendency to pinch our cheeks and smile at us. But she can't explain herself because she still hasn't given any indication that she possesses the ability to speak. Which is strange, I think, as Amy doesn't remember her being a mute.

"… so like a Mafia Boss? or just really fat?" I'm not sure Amy puffing out her cheeks is necessary, but it is amusing for reasons she probably won't appreciate. Not that she'd understand who Sasha Grey is... Will be? Fucking time travel.

"Both actually, and worse, Balthazar is a cult leader. As in vampire cultists with sword fetishes. This must be the Gleaves family tomb."

"So we put it back?" I give Amy points for declining to mention that I sleep with a sword strapped to my arm, and not asking how I know that name.

"No… we just can't sell it for the quick cash we were hoping to. I'll have to figure out a way to contact Balthazar and arrange a trade. Dude's fucking ancient so I imagine he must have something of value to us that we can get him to exchange for it." Or if I ever need to distract The Mayor in a hurry I could hand it over and watch the fireworks.

"Okay… and the rest?"

"What do you mean the rest?"

Amy shines her flashlight down into the hole I dug out, "Well, there was more gold down there than that amulet alone" Wait. You also get quantity? I love magic sometimes.

I dig up a gold bracelet, and a... well... I don't know what it was, but slamming the shovel into it turned it into a lump. Oops.

Amy immediately picks up the bracelet and starts to put on. I smack it out of her hands, relieved when my tattoos don't sizzle, "Fucks sakes Amy. Curses, Poisons, if the Gleaves family was crazy enough to pick a fight with Balthazar and steal his amulet, I wouldn't be shocked if they had other weird trinkets. Dangerous trinkets."

"Oh I didn't think about that. I'll have to look up a detection spell for that."

"Meh. Honestly, I don't think I'd have thought about it either if I wasn't rereading those Harry Potter books." I snap my jaw shut before I can mention the fucking Gaunt Ring. Gods Damn It.

"Oh. Yeah. The diary? ... yeah, let's not touch the treasure until we test it." Oh good, Chamber of Secrets is already out. That could have been awkward.

We start shifting the rubble back into the hole once Amy confirms that all of the gold ought to be accounted for.

 **-Later-**

Apparently Saint Murphy was watching when Amy and I were joking around about our good fortune at having found our first proper treasure, and he felt the need to remind us of his existence.

Amy, it seems, wanted to enchant the bracelet as a good luck charm. I admit this is a slightly better reason for wanting it than the "it's shiny" I was expecting. Sadly, I may never know why gold is better than silver for good luck charms because, with our gear all packed up into a large duffle bag and slung over my shoulder, I wasn't quite able to stop Amy in time when I heard a voice I recognized coming from around the corner of the graveyard entrance.

This left me staring, horrified, at Amy having an impromptu, 'who can look more surprised' contest with Willow as they collided with each other under the entrance archway. Okay Jack, think fast, why are you and Amy in a graveyard after dark in Sunnydale? Willow knows Amy knows about the… dangers that entails. Xander rounding the corner a half second later provides an easy answer.

I turn to Amy, "You see? We're not the only one's out having fun. I don't see why you got so nervous when it got dark," I indicate Willow and Xander with a nod of my head, "they're out here too, so clearly it can't be that dangerous around here. You don't have to try and scare the new guy in town." I roll my eyes exaggeratedly and, facing them directly, I smile at the two Scoobs, "Hey guys, if you're looking for a good spot there's a clump of trees over thatawayish." I wave my hand in no particular direction. "They should keep you hidden from any cops looking to enforce those pesky public indecency laws." It takes everyone a moment to catch on to what I'm implying, but then Amy and Willow both turn bright red and start spluttering. I think Willow might have a slight genetic advantage in the 'who can turn reddest' contest. Xander looks torn between amused and upset on Willow's behalf. Hmmm, he also looks mildly distressed. Either he still thinks of Willow as his sister and is grossed out, or he's already begun to notice she's a girl and is uncomfortable about my implications striking close to home.

Oz, hitherto absent for reasons unknown, finally arrives and I go for broke, "Oh. Wow…" I try to look slightly uncomfortable, but its hard while fighting back laughter, "…uh… kinky. I knew you Californians were laid-back but… uh yeah… have fun you guys. We'll leave you to it." I grab Amy and tug her around them, "Amy, we should probably be getting home, I did promise your dad I'd have you home like 15 minutes ago." Willow is impersonating a bright red fish. Oz looks confused, and Xander finally cracks and gives in to a snort of derision. I think Xander deserves a Scooby Snack for holding out as long as he did in the face of the absurdity that is me on a roll. I make a mental note to buy the man some Twinkies. Do they sell them by the case?

I'm half dragging Amy along while she glares at me with indignation. I'm about to continue teasing her when my good mood flees as I hear Oz interrupt Willow whining at Xander for laughing, "Guys? Who was that? He didn't smell human." Fuck. I guess the nose game cuts both ways. Time to be... not here.

Amy is now doing an admirable job of proving that she can glare at me indignantly even while being carried at full vampire sprint. That's pretty damn impressive actually.

 **-Sunnydale Memorial Hospital-**

"Why are we here again?" Aha! I make note that Amy will abandon her attempts at giving me the silent treatment if she wants answers.

"Because, bumping into the local demon hunters in a graveyard at night once is funny," Amy's face says she strongly disagrees with my assessment of the encounter, but she doesn't interrupt, "twice would probably have them scrambling to investigate me. I'd rather they didn't poke their noses in our business. So, we're going to skip the other sites in the main graveyards for now and hit up the ones out on the outskirts of town. We can start with the ones up by those caves. Hopefully, even with Oz's moon cursed nose telling them I'm not fully human they'll eventually bugger off." Unlikely, but a man can dream. Hmmm... maybe Amy should tell her parent that she's staying with a friend and sack out at Mrs. Bellevu's?

"No, I mean, here, at the hospital." oh. That.

"Thinking about Scooby Snacks gave me the munchies. I figured I'd swing through the local market on our way out to the caves." Amy still looks puzzled, so I lean in an explain in a whisper, "…I'm going to raid the blood bank. Wait here in the lobby with the bags okay?"

"Oh... Okay." Casual acceptance of lawlessness? Good Minion. You can have some of the Twinkies when I buy the case.

Having Amy along for this is quite helpful in a rather embarrassing way. The hardest part of the whole job is getting in the fucking building. It turns out that the automatic door sensors count as surveillance according to my tattoos which prickled right before I walked straight into the door the first time I did this. I had to wait for someone else to visit the hospital and trigger the doors. In Sunnydale. At night. It took a while for anyone to show up. After that, stealing some scrubs and following one of the surgical types into the elevator was relatively easy. Color coded scrubs for employees was a fantastic idea, it makes it so much easier for me to blend in appropriately.

I throw what little psychic power I can still manage into my requested, " _Basement please,_ " as I board the elevator behind a fellow green scrubs dude. I've found that I can manage to get people to go along with reasonable sounding requests fairly easily and, best of all, quickly, by nudging them with Thrall. Coworkers asking you to push the button seems to count as reasonable. For some reason, they still get… cranky… if I ask them to do while wearing civvies.

Gods I miss being able to just overpower people's minds with brute force. Not enough to regret the tattoos, especially since they've fended off three of those inexplicable magical pulses already, but still. Sandblasting soup crackers was nice while it lasted.

Once Mr. Green has swiped his badge and pressed the button, I repeat the trick on the guy working for the blood bank, " _I need 10 packets of… B+ STAT,"_ and add a new cooler full of blood to my growing collection of hospital coolers. So far as I can tell, the blood type doesn't seem to make any difference whatsoever, but then again father was never very good at tasting subtle differences in food flavors, so that may just be me. In any case, I haven't tried B+ yet.

I have to wonder how much longer this will work. Eventually someone will notice that the blood bank employees are all describing the same guy when explaining the missing packets right? Then again I won't show up on the security footage so who knows if they'll be believed. I change back into my black tee shirt and jeans and make my way out to the lobby. Speaking of clothing; I should get a leather trench coat, and then have it enchanted like Dresden's. I imagine bullets still hurt even if they can't kill me. Then again, I'm sure Grandfather and William would both accuse me of copying their style, and I'd never be able to explain that I'm actually stealing the style of a character from a book that hasn't been written yet. Ah well. Maybe a steel breastplate? It wouldn't actually be that heavy. Kind of conspicuous though.

"Hey Amy, time to go."

Amy looks at me funny, "Jack, why are you wearing a scrub cap?" oh. oops. I remove the offending article of headgear. This is what happens when I try to dress myself while daydreaming about enchanted trench coats.

"Not. A. Word." I decide Amy's laughter is a marked improvement over either the twitchy paranoia the night started with or the indignant silence our close call with Team Scooby produced.


	14. Part 11 - Amateur Curse-breakers

**Part 11 - Amateur Curse-breakers:**

 **-Sunnydale Cemeteries-**

"Ooh. I have a good feeling about this one." It's a bit bigger than the others, but similar in style. It matches what I recall of William and Harmony's successful discovery quite well. Why didn't I start with the one's by the caves again?

Sadly, Amy doesn't share my enthusiasm, "Jack! No! No feelings! The last time you had a good feeling about a place I almost got eaten by a Pogo Demon."

"Oh come on, I know what _Polgara_ Demon smells like now, and that fight was awesome!" I try to tamp down on the enthusiasm a bit since Amy is still occasionally freaking out when a stick snaps in the distance. But... this place just looks so... perfect.

I make sure my sentry post is clearly in her line of sight and settle down for an hour of skull numbing boredom while I wait for her to either confirm, or destroy, my optimistic excitement.

Or not. That is definitely the sound of something that thinks it's being sneaky.

... And that's another.

Oh. Right. I remember why we didn't start at the caves now. I figured before Adam, they'd be infested. Ah the _joys_ of being proven right.

... uh... that's new. I feel... a strange sense of recognition and my tattoo tingles faintly. Why do I have a general fix on that one particular vampire's location in my head? And what the ever-loving fuck is she doing to set off my tattoos?

Abandoning any pretext of being unaware of what is starting to sound like a small pack of moronic fledges, I trigger the release on my sword and grab my tazer from the bag. Thanking the gods I found the charger before I sold the farm truck, I set off to intercept Team Derp-Squad the Un-Silent and their leader Miss. Tingles.

... Why do I know she's female?

Sadly, they aren't so stupid that they don't notice something is wrong when I lop the head off the first one I come across. I tazer the one that's making my senses flare in the face. She goes down and starts convulsing, which is great, but my tattoos don't stop tingling, which is not. The other two rush at me like bulls chasing a red flag. Idiots.

Gods Damn It! Why am I the fucking lifeguard for the vampiric gene pool?

 **-Almost an Hour Later-**

"And... 19! AH! AH! AH!" I drive the most recent participant in this idiotic little siege into a tree branch and watch him fall to dust. These fuckers have zero self preservation instincts. I try to shake my left arm again. Nope, still unresponsive. Shoulder wounds are annoying. Pins and needles are setting in though, which I think is a good sign. Not a sign that makes sense, no blood flow, but whatever. I'll take it.

Apparently either 19 is the magic number, or the one remaining vampire noticed he was alone and didn't like his odds. He takes off at a run. Normally, I'd love to chase him down, but that would leave Amy alone in these gods forsaken woods with whatever shows up next. Screw it. I rip the pistol out of its holster, and shoot him in the back, three times. I hadn't actually expected to hit him three times, or even once really. I only fired the second and third shots because I assumed the first would miss. Father had atrocious aim in paintball. Then again, this thing has barely any recoil that I could feel, and the moron was running directly away from me rather than dodging around. Hmmm, I should probably add visiting a firing range for an assessment to that ever mounting list of crap I need to do. I stalk over and he's dusted before he gets back up onto his feet. "20! AH! AH! AH!" My arm twitches a bit when I attempt to clap happily. Awesome. I love vampire healing. Hmmm... I'm going to need to raid the cooler again.

Taking full advantage of the lull, I roll Miss Tingles over. Oh hey, I know her. She's one of the anointed one's minions, or she was, a year ago... huh... maybe that weird sense is something you get from being vaguely related to a vampire? That would make this my... something or other-th cousin something removed. She's not bad to look at. I drag her unconscious body back to Amy's ring of candles. I can always stake her later if she won't explain the bizarre reaction I have to her. See, this is why older Brothers shouldn't kidnap Mothers before the younger Brother manages to get out of the ground. I feel like explaining this kind of stuff ought to have been Mother's job.

I mean, for fucks sake, she managed to program in demands that I stop whatever the fuck she means by burning up in the sunshine, but forgot to include the vampire for dummies manual. Fucking Typical.

Amy finishes her spell and rushes over to me with the most brilliant smile I've ever seen from her, right up until she trips over my maybe cousin's body in the dark and drops the candle she was using for light. Getting the girl night vision goggles or some manner of magical equivalent goes on the list, while my maybe cousin goes up in flames. Damn it... eh, I almost managed to care.

"Ow! Ah! Fire!" I pull Amy away from the flames. "What the hell was she doing there? Oh, whatever, I don't I want to know. We found it!" It's hard to be upset about anything when Amy has such fantastic news.

I grin back at her, but have to ask. "Are you sure?"

"Well, I have no idea if it's the treasure you were told about, but there is a LOT of gold and silver about fifteen feet down." Amy has started doing a little happy dance while chanting, "Rich. Rich. Rich."

Wait... Fifteen feet down? That's a lot of rock. Oh, there must be a lower level. Well okay then! Time for some more Breaking and Entering.

 **-Inside the Crypt-**

There's a lower level. I don't have to dig through ten feet of stone or dirt. However... "I." _WHAM!_ "Hate." _WHAM! "_ Reinforced." _WHAM! "_ Fucking." _WHAM! "_ Doors." _WHAM!_ After hours of pounding away at what looks like a low tech vault door I've managed to dent it more than a fair bit. It's finally starting to buckle. William made this look fucking easy. The extra century he's got on me must make him distressingly stronger than I am. I'm going to need to fix that if I plan to keep my prize. Thank gods I'm not trying to stay hidden from a Slayer while I do this. Digging in from below suddenly seems far more daunting.

The giant ball of burning suck being out might have something to do with my level of irritation. It wasn't that long after midnight when Amy and I broke into the upper level. Now I'll be stuck here all day if this isn't the right trove of treasure, or... well, I'm probably stuck here anyway unless I want Amy to make the miniscule mental leap required to notice I found something noteworthy down here when I don't burn up in the fucking sunshine. I've only just barely gotten her used to the idea that crosses don't faze me, I don't think she'd accept my victory over daylight nearly as easily.

 _WHAM!_ I resume hammering away at the door. "Aha!"

The sound of the door finally yielding seems to summon Amy back from her lookout post by the outer door almost as if by magic. "We're in!?" Wow, even excited she sounds exhausted. I guess it's a good thing I was making enough noise to wake the dead. Quite literally in three cases, which had led to renewals of the besieging forces. Amy taking a nap on watch may have ended poorly.

"We're in. Now, what's the rule?"

"Don't touch anything until after it's been checked for curses."

"Good girl!" She doesn't seem to appreciate being patted on the head. Maybe I messed up her hair?

I almost immediately violate my own rule, pocketing the Gem of Amarra while Amy is distracted by the tiara. I feel safe enough pointing it out to her since it didn't melt Harmony's brains like that stupid Diadem would have. Then again, would anyone have been able to tell?

Ring secured I look around the room at the other bits and pieces. It's much more impressive looking in person than on TV, though that may have been a result of William not caring about anything beyond the Gem. Sorting through all this... could take a while.

 **-Still Inside the Crypt-**

A while, it turns out is a massive underestimate.

With the excitement induced adrenaline surge wearing off, Amy's attempts to 'test all the things' for magic comes to an abrupt halt when she passes out on her feet. I barely manage to catch her before she hits her head on a table as she goes down.

Hmmmm... This is both horribly concerning, and incredibly convenient. I lay her down on a corner of the floor to sleep off her... hopefully overwork induced exhaustion? I pick up and fiddle with all of the things she tested to make sure my tattoos don't flare. I do not need Amy reprising the role of Aurora right now. My tattoos give me no indication of magic trying to affect me.

Just to double check, I walk back over and flop down next to my witch. "Amy? Wake up!" Amy fidgets slightly, murmurs something about hammering her mother, and claims my leg as a pillow. I... am not really sure what to make of that, but I would guess it at least means she's not in a magical coma. I suppose sitting here against the wall is as good a place to try out my new ring as any. I fish it out of my pocket, making sure not to disturb the sleeping witch and put it on my finger.

Tapping the cross to my left produces no pain. Neither does grabbing it. Score. Now I just need to find a less obvious way to... wear... it...

I look at the ring that I know is magical that is sitting on my finger. The magical ring that I picked up. The magical ring that I put on. The magical ring that set off no warning alarms whatsoever from my tattoos. Not even a tingle. The magical ring that is very clearly affecting me without upsetting my tattoos.

I look over at the pile of items I tested for curses by picking up and playing with and seeing if my tattoos gave off any warnings.

Well... I grew overconfident in my tattoo's abilities remarkably fast. "FUCKING FUCK!" I wonder if-

Amy punches my leg and murmurs sleepily, "No Jack... no fucking my mom..."

...What? What the shit? Where did that come from? I think there might be something wrong with my favorite minion.

I really need to start carrying around a tape recorder so I can prove these moments actually happened later, she is never going to believe me.


	15. Part 12 – Experimental Medicine

**Part 12 – Experimental Medicine:**

 **-Inside The Amarra Crypt-**

I was worrying about something wasn't I? Something about Amy? My favorite minion, who's asleep with her head in my lap right now. My tattoos itch.

I rub my eyes to try and clear out the ants that are always crawling around behind them during the day. Damn, it never works this close to noon.

Noon!? When did it become fucking noon. I bolt upright.

Son of a fuck! We got cursed by... something in that pile over there. I can feel myself calming down despite my efforts to hold onto my rage. Fucking persistent curses.

Swearing angrily at the curse seems to help. Or maybe it just makes me feel better. I revel in the feeling of anything but calm. Fan-fucking-tastic showing Jack. I slide into gameface and roar at the pile containing the cursed whichever it is. I shake Amy, she mummers incoherently but doesn't wake up. Damn it. Sleeping curse maybe? Might explain why I seem to be shaking it off after merely getting apathetically calm and lethargic. I can't actually _be_ sleepy.

I still may not have noticed, or held onto the idea, that anything was wrong if the giant yellow cancer ball hadn't been trying to eat my eyes from the inside out. I snort, a vampire owing his life to the fucking Sun. What a fitting capstone to the day I got my hands on my new ring.

I walk over to the cooler and start chugging blood. The ice has melted and the blood is just passed the point where it'd be healthy for a human, but that just makes it taste a slight bit worse than usual. Hardly a challenge to wolf down. Damn it William. How did you do this without any issues? Were you just so focused on the Gem that you ignored everything else? Or are older vamps more curse resistant? I bite into the next blood packet.

The blood finally does the trick, kicking me back into full gear. I throw Amy over my shoulder and carry her to the truck. It's weird, stepping out of that crypt for the first time. I remember father spending a fair amount of time in the Sun, but this, this is _my_ first time being able to meet its angry gaze. Everything seems impossibly bright under the light of day. I'm not convinced I like it. I'm fairly certain the feeling is mutual.

Once Amy is securely locked in the truck, engine running and AC fending off the beginning of a California Summer, I dump out our spelunking gear in the back. Heading back into the crypt, I carefully shovel, as in with the actual shovel, the various pieces of loot into our bag, which then gets dumped into the back. Once everything not nailed down is in my truck, I do the same with the pile of stuff containing the cursed... containing at least one cursed item. Making assumptions is what got us into this mess. I keep that crap separated by simply leaving it in the bag.

I'm finally climbing into the driver's seat when it occurs to me that I have no idea how to break a curse that doesn't involve getting Grandfather laid. Damn.

The universe decides that this is an excellent time to have my tattoos glow white hot as another minute long... whatever the fuck this is sweeps over me. Thank gods I've been overeating lately.

 **-Bellevu Residence-**

Amy's been asleep for about 6 hours now, which doesn't seem nearly so sinister until I still can't wake her up. Shaking her gets her to say the damnedest things, but never anything more. I tuck her into the guest bed and set to work. I will not lose my favorite minion to a gods damned _sleeping_ curse.

I open the front door, "Excuse me! Have either of you seen a dog running around? She's a small golden retriever. Answers to the name Buffy?" The two women out for an afternoon jog stop and turn towards me as I approach them. I catch the nearer one's eyes, ' _It's Hot out. Come inside for a drink of water.'_ She smiles at me and starts walking towards the door.

"No, I'm sorry, we haven- Karen? Where are you-" The other jogger starts. I put my hand on her shoulder and she looks at me in confusion.

' _Follow your friend.'_ I close the door behind us as we head into the kitchen. " _You should see some of the stuff my friend and I found on our latest dig, they're very pretty."_

 **-Amy's Nap-time Log, Hour 7-**

Amy continues to sleep, occasionally grumbling about her mother. If spoken to, she incorporates overheard statements into her ramblings inconsistently.

I've verified that that the guilty item is the small silver pocket watch. Subjects A and B both fell into the same manner of fitful sleep that Amy is in after handling it.

Subject A has been given a full pot of coffee. Subject appears to drink fluids normally if the usual methods of inducing swallowing are used.

I put down the notebook and begin working on Subject B. I sigh, it looks like I'm starting Project Ghoul testing early. I fetch a paring knife from the kitchen and crouch down next to Subject B's position on the basement floor. I slice open my palm... damn it. I slip the Gem of Amarra off my finger and into my pocket, then I slice the palm of my hand and start dripping blood into subject B's mouth. I know that removing most of her blood and then having her drink my blood will make a fledgling, but the series never seemed to cover what happens if a generally healthy person consumes vampire blood. If it works like it would in White Wolf's Masquerade or the Dresden Books, I'm hoping one of the traits Subject B develops includes a resistance to sleeping curses. I head back upstairs and set the kitchen timer for an hour.

 **-Amy's Nap-time Log, Hour 10-**

Having become concerned about dehydration I have borrowed a nurse from Sunnydale Memorial along with an IV drip setup. My weakened Thrall does not appear to have negatively impacted Nurse Dora's ability to find a vein in Subject A's arm, so I'm having her set Amy up for long term care.

Subject A has begun to show symptoms associated with stimulants, such elevated heart-rate and blood pressure. Nurse Dora has confirmed my measurements.

Subject B has ingested roughly one blood packet of vampire-

The doorbell rings while I attempt to puzzle out the Latin in the book Amy was using to develop her magical testing spell. Who could that be? I go upstairs and happily discover that Nurse Dora shows no sign of acknowledging the door bell, instead continuing to check her vitals and recording anything Amy says in her sleep.

I open the door to find a middle-aged couple on the doorstep. "Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Jesus?" I blink at them.

They seem surprised to be invited in with a happy smile.

 **-Amy's Nap-time Log, Hour 16-**

Nurse Dora's notes on Amy's ramblings indicate a distinct tendency for them to involve her mother. She appears to be distressed by this. At my insistence and with my assistance Nurse Dora has begun feeding Amy nutrient shakes every few hours to prevent starvation and keep her strength up. Amy appears to be more alert presently than any of the test Subjects. Possibly because her magic is fighting back? Or perhaps she's just naturally talkative in her sleep and the curse is exacerbating this.

Subject A's heart rate is starting to slow down again. I think the second pot of coffee's effects have peaked and are beginning to wear off. It's probably not worth having Mrs. Bellevu brew up a third. I'll have Nurse Dora administer the epi-pen I found on Subject C's former husband.

Subject B is also still asleep but seems to be showing signs of restlessness. That's promising, I think? Although it's possible she's normally a sleepwalker. I've tied her down to a cot to prevent any wandering.

Subject C flinches and screams when fire is applied via blowtorch but still does not wake up. Having tried extreme trauma, cold, and now heat induced stimuli I'm coming to the conclusion that pain is not capable of waking a cursed victim.

I check on Amy again, Nurse Dora is feeding her another nutrient shake, before returning to the book of Latin gibberish. If my efforts at deciphering it are accurate, then I feel like Amy's detection spell should have worked just fine... But I'm not exactly a linguist. Ungh, I'm not even really clear if the spell is no good, failed to beat some masking charm, or if Amy was just so tired naturally that she flubbed it. I rub my eyes, at least the Sun is finally starting to fuck off.

 **-Amy's Nap-time Log, Hour 28-**

Amy remains asleep. Her heart rate is steady and she continues to mumble nonsense when I'm in the room. I am unable to say with certainty anymore what she does when I am not present as leaving the pocket watch out on the kitchen table has proven to be a mistake. Nurse Dora has been re-designated Subject D.

Subject A appears to succumbed to her earlier heart attack. I've drained her body of blood and moved her off to the side.

Subject B's restlessness has increased. She has begun to strain against her bindings, which I have increased. Sadly, she continues to show no indication of wakefulness.

Subject C has recovered normally from her initial testing. The curse does not appear to impede the body's natural clotting mechanisms. I should be able to move on to phase 2 soon.

Subject D's mind feels strange. There is a bizarre sensation, like a wall of cotton is wrapped around it, preventing me from making contact. There was no such sensation when I was ' _convincing'_ her that her most important patient was in a room of the hospital that she should really just follow me to. Maybe the curse acts more like locked in syndrome than sleep?

My efforts with the Amy's book about curses may have paid off. I've found what I think is a general purpose curse removal spell for the lower level stuff. It involves calling on a relevant deity for aid, but what the hell, father's atheism makes a bit less sense in a world where gods and goddesses actually run around killing people. I pick out Asclepius from Amy's books on gods and goddess, thankfully written in English. If Nurse Dora and I are both wrong, and this is somehow a type of contact poison that washing can't remove from the pocket watch, then a god of health and medicine ought to be useful anyway.

Unfortunately it seems I'm going to need some supplies from the magic store. I instruct Mrs. Bellevu not to answer the door for anyone. She nods agreeably. Hmmm... maybe she _was_ naturally a mute? Her lack of speech certainly doesn't seem to distress her.

 **-Amy's Nap-time Log, Hour 31-**

I chant in my best guess at how you pronounce Latin. I ask for aid from a Roman god of medicine that I imagine would have spoken Latin. I burn the sacred incense I bought at the store. I sacrifice subject C.

Amy continues to sleep while making snide comments about her mother. Damn it!

I think I got it right. Maybe Asclepius was just fucking busy.

My tattoos flare brilliantly, but very briefly. Or... maybe he couldn't fucking find me to answer the call? I throw the book in a fit of rage. Fucking magic.

Subject B has ingested, by my best estimate, about three blood packs worth of my blood. She continues to struggle with her bindings. Attempts to use Thrall to poke around behind the curtain have so far been unsuccessful. I can't seem to locate a mind behind the cottony walls. I suspect Project Ghoul may not be a viable solution to this problem.

Subject D cottony mind-shields have begun to yield under my repeated, and increasingly angry, bursts of Thrall. If I thought it was difficult to describe the sensation of forcing my mind and will into another person's head, it pales in comparison to trying to fathom the sensations involved in finding something else in there with me. It is also strange to feel like I'm bashing my head against a wall... but have it feel like the wall is giving way rather than my skull. Promising though.

 **-Amy's Nap-time Log, Hour 36-**

Replacing the saline bag hanging from her IV pole, I pry open Amy's eyes and poke around carefully. The general Amy-ness impression of her mind is stronger than in Subject D, I wonder if the increased mental strength is related to her magic? Or If it's a sympathetic function of how familiar I am with her?

Subject B now requires a gag to keep her from biting off her own tongue.

Subject D is... "awake." Her eyes are open, and they track any lights I shine into them on their own. She also grabs at anything you put in her hands like an infant would. Loud noises seem to terrify her, and she shows no signs of recognizing her own name. I'm not clear if her current state is a result of the curse or of using Thrall like an angry battering ram to get past it.

 **-Amy's Nap-time Log, Hour 43-**

Carefully nudging at the cotton in Amy's mind appears to be helping her fight it off. Amy now consistently incorporates things said to her into her ramblings.

Subject B's physical strength is very promising. I've transferring the bindings formerly assigned to A and C to her after she got her arm free by snapping the ropes. Feeding her more of my blood seems to calm her down for a short period of time.

Subject D seems to be recovering. She's awake, alert-ish, and recognizes the sound of her own name. She does not, however, know what her name is when prompted, or what year it is. She does not know who the president is. I don't actually have any idea what else I'm supposed to ask someone as part of a mental assessment, or if she even knew who the president was before testing. I strongly suspect she once knew her name was Dora even if I had to check my notes to find it.

 **-Amy's Nap-time Log, Hour 52-**

Amy's recovery is now following along Subject D's path. She opens her eyes, follows lights, grabs at things... mostly me. She lacks Subject D's general level of terror however. Slow consistent prodding accompanied by verbal encouragement appears to be far better for a human's mental well being than the angry battering ram demanding the person ' _wake the fuck up'_ approach. I cannot claim this is a surprising discovery. Humans tend to be rather skittish like that.

Subject B is no longer struggling against her bonds. I am still unable to locate anything behind the cotton, but the cotton does appear to have cleared somewhat. It is unclear what's going on at this time.

Subject D is definitely recovering. She knows her name, what year it is, and has informed that Clinton is actually still president. Advanced motor skills like walking are not quite recovered yet however. The cottony sensation still clings to the back corners of her mind however. I suspect that a relapse may be possible if I abandon treatment.

 **-Amy's Nap-time Log, Hour 56-**

Amy seems to be alone in her head as of the last check up. She feels the way Mrs. Bellevu did while she was sleeping normally. There is no longer any sense of cotton anywhere I can find. Given her accelerated and improved recovery, I strongly suspect that Amy's magic provided some measure of natural resistance.

Subject B is missing. She appears to have snapped out of her restraints, terminated Subject D's treatment, and escaped out the cellar window.

Subject D appears to have died from blunt trauma delivered via bare hands. The fairly minimal defensive wounds lead me to believe that fine motor skills were still not yet fully recovered when this occurred, but self preservation instinct was.

I should probably go after her. I can't imagine anything good coming of this. Upstairs I hear a familiar voice croak out, "...Jack?"

"Amy!?" I dart up the stairs with a smile on my face, Subject B will probably survive long enough for me to find her later.


	16. Interlude 3 – Chasing Amy

A/N - Some of the chapters _after_ this one will make it seem like the Scoobies are... caricatures of themselves. Remember that the story is being told to you by a  vampire, who also happens to be a rather unreliable narrator. Once you get to Xander's version of things (Interlude-5B) their actions will all make much more sense.

 **Interlude 3 – Chasing Amy:**

*** POV Willow ***

 **-Sunnydale Cemeteries : After Part 10-Scene 2-**

What does he... OH MY GOD! I AM NOT HAVING A THREESOME WITH OZ AND XANDER!

... Did Xander just laugh!?

"Xander! That is not funny!" I whack my best friend for being a poopy-head. I am not having sex in a graveyard!

... Okay, I'm going to give this guy a piece of my mind.

"Now you listen here Bust... Wha- Where did he go?" The Jerk Amy was hanging out with disappeared while I was looking at Xander... so did Amy.

"Guys? Who was that?" my boyfriend doesn't sound properly outraged. Why doesn't he ever sound upset? "He didn't smell human."

"You can smell that?" I didn't know- Oh. Oh no! "Amy!"

We rush out of the graveyard after them. They're gone, but my boyfriend says he can still smell them so they haven't been gone long.

 **-Sunnydale Memorial Hospital-**

We lost them! Amy's in trouble and it's going to be all my fault for getting flustered by that jerk and his insinuations. I should have been paying attention. I mean, he didn't actually do anything to Amy, but if he doesn't smell human that's bad right? And he's a Jerk, an extra jerky jerk. Saying I was going to have sex in a graveyard. Amy shouldn't be hanging around with a Jerk.

Xander's holding a scrub cap we found outside the hospital that smells like Amy's Jerk friend.

"It'll be okay Wills, we can go ask Amy's dad if he knows who she's been hanging around with lately." That's my Xander. ...When he's not being a poopy head laughing at Jerks and their jokes.

 **-Madison Residence-**

"Oh, Hello Miss Rosenberg, Amy's not here"

"Hi, Mr. Madison, do you know where she is?"

"She's out with her friend. They've been working on a project for their archaeology club this past week. She usually gets home a little before dawn." Amy has been out every night for a week? And just before dawn? Is her new friend a vampire? Is Amy a vampire!? This is terrible!

"Thank you Mr. Madison. Could you tell her to call me when she comes home?" IF she comes home.

Mr. Madison closes the door and we head away from the house. Xander asks, "Oz, _Amy_ smelled human, right?" Oh right!

"Yeah. I think so. She smelled like human, and perfume."

"Perfume... Hey there's no chance we're chasing them around town because this guy wears a cologne right? ... Right?"

 **-Rosenberg Residence - Willow's Room-**

Amy didn't call, So I call her.

"Amy hasn't come home yet."

"Oh. Thank you. Sorry for bothering you." She hasn't come home by 9 AM? I look over at the books I got from Miss Calendar. I should call Giles, he'll know what to do.

 **-Later-**

"Oh Dear. And you say no one's seen her since?" I can hear him polish his glasses over the phone.

"No... Her dad doesn't know where she is. I was thinking we could try a tracking or scrying spell? Make sure she's okay?"

"Ummm, are you quite certain that they aren't merely... enjoying each other's company?"

"No, but I have a really bad feeling that something terrible has happened." That's me. Bad Feelings girl here.

"...Oh very well. I'll meet you at the library in half an hour?"

 **-Sunnydale High - Library-**

"I see Amy. Everything is a little blurry. I think... is she laying on a stone floor. Can anyone tell if she's okay?"

The little Amy in the blurry image in the bowl of water suddenly flails about

"No Jack!"

"Oh my god! What is he doing to her?"

"No fucking my mother!"

"Umm, Wills, I think she's just asleep."

"But why is she asleep alone on a stone floor!?"

I still have a really bad feeling about this.

 **-Rosenberg Residence - Willow's Room-**

I hang up the phone. Amy still hasn't come home.

I cast the spell just like I watched Giles cast it.

I call Xander. "Xander! She's in the hospital!"

"What, Wills? How do you know Amy's in the hospital?"

"I cast the spell again, there's a nurse with her and she has one of those IV things in her arm."

Xander agrees to come meet me while I call Oz.

 **-Sunnydale Memorial Hospital-**

"I'm sorry, we don't have any patients here by that name."

Amy is not at the Hospital. We checked. We checked each room in case they were wrong, or had the wrong name.

Even Oz looks worried. My boyfriend's face making expressions must mean my bad feeling is right.

 **-Rosenberg Residence - Willow's Room-**

The little Amy in the bowl is still in bed.

There is no nurse tending her at the moment.

Maybe a tracking spell? I start paging through the books I got from Miss Calendar.

 **-Bellevu Residence-**

Tracking spells are hard. You need a piece of the person you're tracking.

"Thank you Mr. Madison. I'll bring this back as soon as I can." I get back into the van. Oz drives us to the hospital while I get ready to cast the spell.

We follow the spell through town. Turning left and right to follow the pull of the hairs I got from Amy's hair brush.

"Ummm, Wills... that's Amy's house. Are you sure you cast the spell right?

"Yes, Xander, I'm sure. Look! It's not pointed at her house. It's pointed at her neighbors?"

I scramble out of the van with Xander and Oz. I wish Buffy were here. I get my cross out just in case her Jerky Vampire... friend? Is here.

Xander knocks on the door. There's no answer.

I tell Xander to, "Knock again!" He's about to when the door swings open.

Jerkface McVampire is standing there in the doorway. He looks at us, then stares at me and smacks his face with his palm. Hey! Why are you face-palming at me you Jerk?

"Oh! Of course! Willow! How much would an hour have cost me?" An hour..?

HEY! WHAT!? How Dare... "I AM NOT A HOOKER!" I shove my cross in his face!

He's holding my cross and laughing hysterically. He's not a vampire? He's a _human_ jerk? "Sorry, that's not-"

He cuts of as I hear Amy shout from inside the house, "JACK! WHY THE FUCK AM I WEARING A FOLEY CATHETER!? DID YOU- OH MY GOD!"

The not-vampire Jerk, Jack apparently, yells back, "WHAT PART OF YOU WERE UNCONCIOUS FOR MORE THAN TWO DAYS DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WOMAN!?" He turns and walks away into the house, slamming the door shut behind him.

"Did he say unconscious?"

"For two days?"

We all stare at each other for a moment. Then we all start knocking again.


	17. Part 13 - Directions Unclear

**Part 13 - Directions Unclear: Tube Stuck in Crotch:**

 **-Bellevu Residence-**

"Hey, you're awake. How're you feeling?"

"Uhhh… really weird. My arms tingle." Amy's confused face looks out the window where the sun is setting. "Ungh, did I seriously sleep all day?" She looks sheepish, "I can't believe I fell asleep on the job like that. What happened? Did you have to… carry… me… Jack how did we get here? The sun was up when I passed out."

I just smile and shake my head, "So… First off, you didn't fall asleep. We missed something, or something went wrong, or… well… you got cursed." I gesture to the window, "That, is Thursday saying goodnight. You were unconscious for over 2 days."

"Seriously? Oh my god. What _Happened_!?"

"You picked up a pocket watch. Then you did a marvelous Sleeping Beauty impression." I shrug after that, I haven't had a chance to look into the details of how it gets triggered yet. "I brought you back here, got you set up, and went to work finding a way to fix it."

"Okay. Uh… So… should I be concerned that I can't move my left arm?"

"You can't!? Oh! right. Sorry. I strapped that arm down to the bed so you wouldn't pull out your I.V." I shake my head and grin at her, "You're a violent little thing when you're sleepy. Oh, and the others seemed to have difficulty with fine motor control when they first woke up"

"Oh la de fucking da, you're a violent thing all the time." Huh… she doesn't usually swear like that. I mean, she swears but… generally, I'm the one demonstrating the versatility of the… word… FUCK! I really hope thats not a side effect of my spending most of the last day in her head. Amy's still going in spite of my suddenly concerned thoughts, "And… wait… others? What Oth-"

A loud series of knocks echo through the house. Is someone trying to break down the door?

"Hang on. I should go get that." At Amy's nod. I set off towards the front door, "Hey! Mrs. Bellevu! It's nap time. Go upstairs and rest until I come get you." She goes. Another knock comes from out front, "Hold your horses, I'm on my way damn it!"

Behind me I can hear Amy grumbling and struggling with her uncooperative arms while she tries to free herself from the bindings on her left arm. The last thing I hear clearly before rounding the corner is a confused, "Wait, why am I naked?" … why _is_ she naked? I didn't do that. I shrug and open the door.

I find myself in an impromptu staring contest with the Scooby Gang minus Buffy. Xander looks to be paused mid swing on another round of knocks. They all look armed for undead bear and Willow in particular… looks… Oh. Oh I'm a duh. Of course, I could have call- I could have gotten Willow. She's an actual Witch, I bet she could have broken the curse in like an hour. I wonder how much that hour would have cost me?

Willow looks even more angry now. "I AM NOT A HOOKER!" No, of course you aren't. Now, Vamp you… wait, I must have wondered how much she costs out loud. Oops.

"Sorry, thats not-

"JACK!" Amy yells behind me. "WHY THE FUCK AM I WEARING A FOLEY CATHETER!? DID YOU- OH MY GOD!" Well, Amy still sounds a touch like me, but then again that seems like a perfectly… wait. The fuck? Where did she get a Foley Cath? Did D have one in her bag of supplies? Would that also explain why she's naked? I hope so.

I can hear Amy trying to get out of bed, oh shit thats a terrible plan. "WHAT PART OF YOU WERE UNCONSCIOUS FOR MORE THAT TWO DAYS DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WOMAN." I stomp back towards the guest room, "Stop! No! Bad! No getting out bed. Fine motor control problems remember!?" Amy has pulled herself up into a sitting position and has the blanket clutched to her chest when I walk back in. "No! Bad Amy!" I shake my finger at her. "No trying to stand up until we know your legs work, I don't want you adding a gods damned concussion to your chart."

I'm in the midst of pushing Amy back down into bed while she glares at me and struggles feebly when the booming knock returns with friends. Oh yeah. I left the Scoobies on the porch. Fucking white hats that won't leave well enough alone. "I think we're about to have some company wether we want it or not. Can you stay still long enough to prove to them you're alive and well? Or do you really want to risk toppling over, while naked, in front of them?"

Amy stops struggling and redoubles her efforts at glaring a hole in my head, "Well I'm sorry if I find the plastic tube you shoved up my crotch uncomfortable!"

Amy does not appreciate my laughter, "I'm- I-" I struggle to regain use of my voice, "I didn't… I didn't do it. I wouldn't know how. I had a nurse do it." Amy fails to look appeased, but shoos me off towards the door.

With a deep breath, I pull the door open before they can batter it down. "Can I help you people? Or did my door do something to offend you?"

A loud and angry sounding burst of Willow-babble answers me. I think I heard Amy's name in there somewhere. Xander and Oz may have also said something buried under all of that.

I take a step back, keeping my hands at my sides, and smile at them, "Are you able to come in?" Oz blinked! I saw it! I got his face to show a reaction! No Take-backs! While I'm mentally celebrating Willow practically teleports past me and starts a game of Marco Polo with Amy. "Fucks sake, she's in there," I points towards the guest… towards Amy's room.

When Oz, Xander and I catch up, Willow is hugging Amy, who looks like it might be hurting her a tiny bit. I gather from the few words I manage to catch in her rapid fire barrage that they thought Amy was dead for some retarded reason.

I roll my eyes at Willows antics, studiously ignoring that until very recently I was also concerned about her health, and am still concerned about side effects. "As you can all see... she's not dead. We just had a nasty run in with a…" I think, no, Oz is definitely sniffing me. We are nipping this in the bud right now. "Can. I. Help. You?" I grab one of Mrs Bellevu's newspapers and roll it up. Actually whacking Oz with it might start a brawl though, so I simply point at him with it, "Bad Wolfy! No biscuit!" As I walk backwards away from him towards Amy's side of the room. Willows there too, but if it comes down to it, she's the one I most want to have in melee range.

Everyone is staring at me. Willow's babble cuts off with a "What?" perfect.

"Your pet werewolf has been sniffing my butt since he got here. Dude. I don't swing that way. What you three get up to at night is your own business, but I don't wan't to be your fourth."

Sex still seems to make Willow uncomfortable. Xander is unfazed, but thats expected given his reaction to Larry, and Oz is… Oz… so all I get for intelligible responses is a dual, "You know?" from the males of the group while Willow burns red again. In a few years her disapproval will probably be cause for concern, but for now I'm pretty sure I can rip her to pieces before anyone else knows we're having a fight. I'm going to need something silver to hit Oz with though. The pocket watch comes to mind.

"Wait, how is that a secret? He smells like a dog!"

And now Oz mentions…. come on… "You don't smell completely human either." Okay, Xander being the one to say it wasn't in the plan but it still works. No one has called me out for being a vampire yet, which I can probably thank Willow's cross and my new ring for. ... hang on... 'Completely?' Oh, game on!

"And let me guess, you saw your classmate out with some lowly halfbreed and just couldn't stand it? Am I right? You fucking purists are all the same." I admit, at least to myself, that I'm banking a lot on my undead body not giving off the usual scent markers that clue me in every time Amy tries to be sneaky. If I am, and if Oz can read them correctly, I might be starting a war that can't be won here. I'm sure I can take these three, but I don't know if I'd keep Amy afterwards, and I'm certain I'd have a cranky blond slayer after my blood. And thats ignoring that even if I somehow win I may have just inherited their upcoming apocalypses if I don't want the game to end.

Apparently they're willing to trip into the rabbit hole with me because Willow pitches me an indignantly squeaked, "Purists!?" Thank you, Alice. Soon we'll all be mad here.

"Yeah," I make a show of getting fidgety, "Fucking hell. If it's not the Scourge trying to kill us for not being pure enough of a demon, its you fucking hunters after us for not being purely human. Gods damn it. This town was supposed to be different."

"… wait… so you're…" Thank you, Willow, but lets not finish that sentence.

"A _lowly_ halfbreed" I interrupt before they can actually define their question, snarling with anger I don't really feel. This is actually pretty fun. I can see why Dumbledore enjoyed lying with the truth so much in the Harry Potter books. I might have to do this more often.

"And you heard this town was supposed to be _better_?" the disbelief in Xander's voice is nearly tangible.

"Well yeah…" I pause, debating the merits of mentioning The Mayor. I hadn't planned on getting involved one way or the other in his shenanigans, and especially not now that I've been reminded I'm not actually immune to magic… just… uh… hmmm… more science required on that. Hmmm… I err on the side of caution, and blame his 'grandfather' for everything, pushing confusion into my tone and backing off the confrontationist routine a bit, "Wasn't the town's founder some kind of enthusiast? Cut some sort of deal with some of the bigger named demon types to make this a safe haven for…" I gesture vaguely in Oz's direction and then, if they make more an association between our positions than there really is that's on them, "He even put those tunnels and oversized sewers in all over the fucking place to help the vampires."

"Wait, really!?" Willow loves her some research project goodness.

"Yeah, didn't those maps you got for us make that pretty… clear…" Willows eyes just lit up too early... She was supposed to comment on the weird convenience factor of those tunnels and sewers. What other topic did she latch on to?

"The maps! Why did you need the maps? I've been meaning to ask you." …seriously?

"Seriously? Are you Californians raised with no sense of… How can you have a treasure hunt without a map!?"

"Treasure hunt?" all three of them ask. Okay, I was hoping to distract them from poking holes in my story with random historical facts about Sunnydale but I'll take the shiny object route too if it works. Especially since thats the first response I've gotten out of Xander that isn't hostile. I can work with th-

"Yes. Treasure Hunt. The treasure hunt where I was cursed. Remember me? The girl you all came to see before you all decided that hassling my friend was more important." Amy sounds the perfect amount of annoyed. I love Amy and her timing. I had totally forgotten she was there too, but she doesn't need to know that. Girls generally get upset when you forget about them. Amy keeps going, "The girl who really doesn't want this fucking foley catheter to stay in any fucking longer." She smiles that same smile your girlfriend uses when telling you everything is 'fine' and glares at us all. "SO! You all, are going to leave my friend alone. And you're going to leave. And then this plastic tube is coming out, and _then_ you can all have story time with Jack. Kay!?" The degree of 'fine' that Amy is rises with each word. I sense that laughing would end poorly for all involved, but its a struggle as I watch the Scoobies start to look ashamed over forgetting about Amy. I remember father dealing with that feeling, it's unpleasant. As the Scoobies start to shuffle out, Amy turns to me, looking distinctly uncomfortable, "Sooo… how does it come out?"

I break down. I can't help it. I lose to the giggles "I I- have no idea. I didn't even know you had one in you until you asked."

"WHAT!?"

"Apparently…" I glance out towards the kitchen where there are ears, "My nurse _friend_ thought you'd need one and put it in while I wasn't looking."

Amy, glaring at me hard enough that I'm surprised her magic hasn't set me on fire, "Let me guess, by _friend_ , you really mean 'this nurse that you," She glares at the kitchen, " _had sex_ with, right? Do you even remember her name?"

Apparently I take too long thinking about it because Willows head appears around the door frame about 2 seconds later, "You had sex with a girl and can't even remember her name? You Jerk! Mega Jerk!"

"Don't bother Willow, Jack never remembers the names of the girls he _has sex_ with." Excuse me! I remember Emilia's name. I think it was Emilia… It was Emilia right? It's not like… the… OH! Amy's asking if I ate the nurse. I forgot about that euphemism. Heh. Yogurt. I nod slightly to Amy, and she sighs that put upon sigh of the teenaged girl.

I throw my arms in the air, "Okay! Everyone! You're all leaving, I'm going to the hospital to flirt with pretty nurses until I can find one that will take out Amy's Foley Catheter… " Amy looks 'fine' with this plan. "Or… I'm driving Amy to the hospital to have it removed immediately?" There we go. A genuine smile. "… Uhhh… can you walk with one of those in you? I'm actually asking. I don't know." Neither does Amy by the look on her face.

I look at the irate redhead still leaning in to glare at me from the kitchen, "Uhhh Willow… do you think you can work the dread machine and find out for us before we do anything permanently unpleasant to Amy?" I really ought to just pick up some Mohra blood. Actually, personally hunting down a Mohra demon seems easier that dealing with that blue e of doom.


	18. Part 14 – Catching Up With Amy

**Part 14 – Catching Up With Amy:**

 **-Bellevu Residence-**

Be gone foul infestation. Shoo. Go away. Do not want! Oh gods why aren't you leaving faster.

Despite my best efforts to mentally hurry them out the door, the Scoobs remain perfectly happy to stand in the doorway and wait for Willow to finish hugging Amy goodbye. It's taking suspiciously long for her to let go. Willows little self discovery phase is next year right? I think I hear a, "I'm glad you're okay," mixed into the babble. I wonder if she's using magic subconsciously to speed up her vocal chords?

Oh! They're leaving! Thank the gods. Apparently I missed the conclusion of Hugfest '98 while pondering the merits of accidental magic. I close the door behind them with perhaps a touch more force than necessary and then lock the deadbolt for good measure. I hold up a finger when Amy starts to speak, "Your thoughts are important to us. Please Hold." I watch through the door's little window until the mystery machine drives off. I slump into a kitchen chair across from Amy. That was... exhausting. The closest comparison I can think of is dealing with an Apple Cultist's allegedly broken iPhone... "Okay, now that the boy with werewolf ears is gone, you were saying?"

Now that she's free from Willows attempts to crush her ribcage... and how exactly does suffocating the person you're trying to reassure yourself is okay work? I think I'll just choose to believe Willow wanted to cop a feel, it's a far more amusing train of thought. Amy's smirk fades to a glare briefly. I must have said some of that out loud?

"Anyway!" Amy rolls her eyes at me, "I was going to ask if you enjoyed yourself."

"Enjoyed myself? Were you not here for the past two hours? Or did Willow's hug cut off blood flow to your brain for so long that it's affecting your memory?" Amy's eye twitches at the reminder. I suddenly feel much better. I guess misery does enjoy company.

"I meant, that I'm fairly certain you... I mean, I was there, and I can't say that you ever _lied_ to them... but..." Amy trails off and shrugs.

"But it painted a very different picture than what you remember actually happening?"

"Yeah. I noticed you never once mentioned the pocket watch. Apparently I just walked into the tomb then fell asleep."

"Gods, no. Of course I didn't. You were awake for Xander's Indiana Jones impression, right? Museum my ass. Sure, I'm pretty sure _Xander_ was joking about that, but I think Willow actually wanted..." Deep calming breath Jack. "They actually wanted me to let fucking _Ripper_ look over our loot. Right. Next thing we know half or more of our treasure is on its way to jolly old England where the peeping tom club will look after it. 'For our own good' of course," I add the air quotes as exaggeratedly as I can manage. "Of course," I snort, "Of course I didn't mention the one thing of indisputable value that we managed to find. Fuck, I only mentioned as much as I did because they were all still on the kitchen table during the discussion. Actually, now that we're on the topic, Willow was eyeing that... uh... coppery thingy..? something fierce. We may want to set that aside in the bribes- I mean 'gifts pile.' Just in case."

Amy looks down at the pile of trinkets on the table, "...You mean the hair clip?"

" _That_ 's a hair clip?" I refrain from commenting further on girl's and their strange hair decorations. Amy, being a girl, probably wouldn't understand. "Okay. Yeah. The hairclip. Sure." I pause momentarily, at a loss for where I was going with the conversation earlier. "...Oh. And don't you pretend you weren't doing the same thing, Miss 'I needed money to cover the costs of breaking a curse on my dad, but then _I_ got cursed," I slump down in my chair, draping my arm over my forehead, "Oh woe is me! Pout! For I am gifted in the art of overacting." And wasn't _that_ an unexpected development. Apparently Amy's dad's complete disinterest in her life is because of Amy's own magical accident a la Something Blue. Teenagers wanting their parents to leave them alone and let them live their lives can have amusing side effects when that desire is backed by magic. Actually, "you know, your dad being pretty tuned out isn't exactly _terrible_... For instance, he never tried to call the cell phone I gave you or mentioned it to the Scoobies. _That_ would have been an awkward conversation." Especially since they'd be unable to hear my end of it. Come to think of it, I'm not actually sure how Amy managed to avoid having Willow "help" her with that...

"Jack... I am not just going to just _leave_ a curse on my dad." Amy's doing that thing again, where she uses the 'this should be obvious' voice while saying something absurdly counterproductive. Eh, I can work her around later. Amy blows her hair out of face and glares at me when I roll my eyes."But anyway, now that they're gone. What _actually_ happened? You never finished telling me beyond pocket watch and sleeping beauty."

"Oh, well, shortly after I figured out what had happened to you, I realized that I had no idea how to break a sleeping curse."

"Nightmare curse." Amy fidgets in her seat.

"Huh?"

"I think it was more like a weak Nightmare curse than a Sleeping curse. As in _bad_ dreams, or just... uh... weird, I guess, in this case. Sleeping curses are more like dreamless comas." Amy looks more than a little uncomfortable, and mutters something about her mother under her breath.

"Ah, that explains a lot actually." Amy's confused face mixed with her worried face greets this statement so I elaborate, "Well, I tried the Disney and The Brothers Grimm methods of breaking a sleeping curse, but no dice. So I had to trial and error my way through the process of break-"

"Trial and error!? Jack! I don't want you trial and erroring my brain! I need that! Did you at least _try_ to use the purging spell from my book before rooting around in my head?" Amy looks exasperated and alarmed.

"No shit, of course you don't. And yes, of course I tried... the... wait. Purging? I got 'cleansing ritual' when I was translating." Now I know they're similar words, so why does Amy look even more upset? Frightened even..?

"Jack... the cleansing ritual... please tell me you followed _all_ the directions very carefully right?" Nervous Amy face.

"Yeah... Of course I did. It's not like I can replace you." Well, not easily.

"Okay, so, there isn't a pissed off god wanting to know why we failed to offer up a proper sacrifice?" Oh. Seriously? That's what this is about?

"No. Of course not, I checked, my sacrifice was perfectly valid." I did. I checked. Three times no less.

"Okay. Good." Amy looks confused again instead of scared, an improvement I think. "Uh... where did you get the sheep?"

"What sheep?" There was no mention of sheep anywhere. I'm not _that_ bad at Latin. "It just said you had to sacrifice livestock, not specifically a sheep. Nowhere did it say I needed a sheep."

"Jack! You said you used an _appropriate sacrifice_. It needs to be livestock. You can't just a use a cat or a dog." Alarmed Amy face is back.

"Where the fuck would I get a cat or a dog? I used subject C. Asclepius just wasn't interested I guess." Not interested. Couldn't find me. Whatever.

"Asclepius? Why not Hec- ... subject... C...?" Amy's face is like a yo-yo today, "Jack, did you murder a per- Wait. C!? Did you murder _three_ people trying to fix me?" Ooh, the upset pleased face, I've missed that one, it's my favorite Amy-face.

"Ye- well, actually no. I'm pretty sure Subject A actually died of a heart attack from the epinephrine D gave her, so I shouldn't really steal D's kill credit on that one. Subject B killed D before escaping, I should probably go after her now that you're feeling better, but I assume she's still alive out there, so I can't say I killed her either." The Sun set while the Scoobies were... visiting... so I won't even need to explain how I can leave the house anymore.

Amy doesn't seem to appreciate the detail work though, "Yeah, because only murdering one person to fix me makes it so much better." Well, she certainly looks less upset. Then again she didn't look all that upset to begin with really.

"Actually Subject C and her husband were Jehovah's witnesses, so I don't think I actually killed any people during the past few days." Apparently I'm getting lazy in my ripe old age of 1 month. "Hey, you don't think that's why the ritual didn't work do you?"

"No Jack, I'm pretty sure Jehovah's witnesses count as human's for sacrifice." That sounded sarcastic to you too right?

"Oh, well that's good." Amy doesn't seem to agree if the way she's massaging her temples is any way to judge.

"Okay. So... to recap. You tried the Disney and Grimm methods, and when that didn't work four people died and one escaped during your- wait. Disney _and_ Grimm methods!? Jack! Doesn't she wakes up in _during CHILDBIRTH_ in the Grimm version?"

"Yeah. That was such a pain in the ass to simulate, let me tell you. But since kissing you didn't do anything, I figured it was worth a shot. In the end all it accomplished was cracking Subject C's pelvic bone. Made a mess of the bowling ball too. But, like I said no dice, She didn't wake up."

Amy looks horrified, shouting "Oh my God!" as she sprints towards the bathroom with her hand over her mouth. That's weird... She did that when the Polgara demon went after her too.

"Aren't you a devotee of Hecate? Why do you say God instead of Goddess when you're freaked out?"

Amy's answer is a retching noise from the bathroom. I guess she doesn't like pregnancy? Ah well... I think I'm hungry.

"Amy, I'm going out for Chinese. Do you want any?"

 **-Bellevu Residence-**

I flop down onto the couch next to Amy, "Hey, Star Trek! Awesome..." Hmmm... Seven of Nine is probably in Los Angeles right now. I could... Oh Joygasm! I appear to have inherited father's adolescent crushes. At least puberty isn't a thing I need to worry about since I don't age any... Or am I permanently stuck at 18 now? That would actually exp- "Hey! You said you didn't want any." Taking advantage of my distracted thoughts, Amy steals another one of my Crab Rangoon, I swat at her hand as she goes for yet another. Looking down at my to go box, she's clearly eaten three already. Damn it.

"I figured you were going to eat the waitress, or bring me home some college girl if I said yes. " Okay, that does sound like something I'd do. I dodge another swipe for my precious goons, "Oh come on. Can you even eat those?" Amy whines.

Uh, I think so? They taste ... William ate those buffalo wings. Then again I have no idea if he had to puke them up again later. That would suck and- "Okay, fine, you can have some of the goons." It'd be rather pointless to protest now since Amy managed to snag the entire box of them while I was distracted, once again, by the oddities of the vampiric digestive system. I glare at Amy in vague protest of her heinous crime but I should probably make sure vampires can eat normal food before gorging myself on goons. I can probably have a few, but the rest can be Amy's.

"Jack, who's that?"

"Uh... I think her name is Jerri Ryan? With an I? I think." I should probably pay attention to the credits if I want to go looking for her in a city the size of LA. Ouch! I'm apparently being rescued from father's libido by mother's pre-programmed demands that I not leave Sunnydale unnecessarily. I really need to look into fixing that.

"No Jack, not the chick on TV with the nice rack, the girl that just fucking walked by carrying our treasure." Amy is up on her knees glaring backwards off the couch looking upset. Not upset enough to stop munching on what used to be _my_ goons though. And apparently she's still swearing like I do occasionally.

Voyager cuts to commercial and I follow Amy's gaze, "Oh, that's... uh... she was my waitress tonight."

"Why is she here? What is she doing?"

"I wanted takeout." I shrug.

Amy just stares at me blankly. "The treasure Jack. She is touching our treasure. Why is she doing that?"

"Oh, I figured she could play human minesweeper for our loot so any additional curses don't catch us off guard." I Shrug.

"Oh... Okay..." She swivels back around and resumes staring at cyborg boobs with me.

I go to have one, but there are no Crab Rangoon left. I glare at Amy. "What?" oh, don't give me that, you know what you did.

In the garage, my loot testing system starts screaming. It sounds painful, "Oh hey! We found another item for the cursed pile."


	19. Part 15 – A Mixed Bag of Discoveries

**Part 15 – A Mixed Bag of Discoveries:**

 **-Bellevu Residence-**

Fully cataloguing our loot wound up taking 3 full nights, but surprisingly, only two minesweepers. Apparently the gold coin that caused the waitress's blood to spontaneously boil off was atypical. I had the jogger that replaced her use oven tongs to place that coin in a jewelry box and then duct tape it shut before we continued with the process. Even I'm leery of getting near that thing.

I'm still convinced that said coin was Saint Murphy's way of rapping me on the knuckles for thinking, "I can always drink her blood later," out loud. I really should have known better. Such a waste of blood.

Finally, looking over the presumably non-cursed items, "Uh, So... Amy... how do you want to do this?"

Fortunately the idea of casting detect magic on our treasure horde seems to fill Amy with far more excitement than it does me. I leave her to it while I dispose of our minesweeper. Hmmm... unlike fear, intense boredom does not appear to flavor blood in any meaningful way. I guess that bodes well for the future.

With Amy happily occupied, I slip off my shoes and stick the ring around the largest toe it'll fit around. Fuck! Damn it! Crosses fucking burn.

Sighing, I slip the ring back onto my finger and pick up the cross to put it away, "OW! Holy fucking! WHAT THE SHIT!?"

Amy leans in from the garage, "JACK!? Are you okay?"

"... Yeah... Stubbed my toe."

"Oh..." I glare at her while she giggles mockingly at my 'misfortune.'

Once she goes back to her work, I stare at the ring that is obviously on my index... I move it back to my ring finger and tap the cross. No pain. "Seriously? Fucking Magic."

...

Is there such a thing as a ring toe? I sigh. "This is going to hurt."

 **-The Gallery-**

Having finally put Amy to bed despite her treasure induced excitement, I stroll into The Gallery. Oddly generic name.

"Good morning," I greet the woman at the front desk cheerfully. "Is Ms. Summers in today? Or... do I need to schedule an appointment?"

The secretary looks at me suspiciously. Dressed up in the nice clothes I had Amy buy for me yesterday, I manage to pull of something slightly more professional looking than very nearly eighteen year old body I'm stuck in. The secretary even manages to summon up something approximating an interested tone, "What are you here regarding?"

"Oh, I was hoping to... err... well, I don't suppose you could confirm something for me. I'm told the Gallery can handle organizing auctions, sales, and things of the like?" I'm probably overdoing the cheerful, but it's the only way I can counter the irritating effects of the Sun. Overly enthusiastic teen or angry delinquent? In an art gallery? No contest. At least the ring seems to lessen their effects, I'm really only cranky right around noon.

The secretary doesn't seem overly impressed with my enthusiasm, "I can pencil you in for 2pm, Mr..?"

"Oh! Sorry, Winters. Jack Winters." Again, as with any time I use 'my' last name, I'm struck by the oddity of having been assigned a name in direct opposition to the Slayer's own surname.

"And what are you looking to auction off did you say?" If she were chewing gum, I'd expect her to blow a bubble and pop it loudly while saying it.

"Oh, odds and ends mostly. Jewelry, artwork, some old coins. I can't read the lettering on them so I'm not sure what kind. Mostly gold and silver stuff though. The art pieces are what brought me here though, a bunch of weird looking paintings and sculptures."

Cranky secretary lady finally blinks at that. "Do you know who the artists were?" Maybe she thought I was just some kid wasting her time trying to auction of their homemade crap?

"...no, I'm not actually sure how to tell either." I shrug helplessly, "This probably isn't the ideal place for it, but the CPS folks dumped me here with my grandmother's friend while my emancipation paperwork cleared." I fiddle with the stylized sun necklace I picked up so Amy could have something 'new' to associate with my suddenly daytime oriented behaviors. Wearing a necklace feels even weirder than wearing a ring. Granted, looking uncomfortable during the daytime, and especially around midday, is far too easy. The secretary doesn't look terribly comfortable at my implications either, she starts adding an appointment to her ledger while smiling awkwardly.

 **-The Bronze-**

Amy grips my sleeve as though sensing my thoughts of escape. "Come on Jack. It'll be fun!"

" _Fun_ she says" I continue to grumble and drag my feet halfheartedly while Amy drags me towards The Bronze, "What part of you wanting to go dancing requires my presence?"

"The part where vampires frequently show up here at The Bronze? The part when I don't want to be eaten? The part where _WE_ are celebrating our first sale? Eight Thousand Dollars Jack. Eight Thousand!"

Okay, I do have to admit, that part is pretty fucking nice. And I _have_ been meaning to pick up a fledge for testing purposes ever since I got the ring. I glare at the ring for the umpteenth time. Stupid rules lawyering magic. Who does it possibly help for a magical ring to only work if you wear it on the ring finger of your off hand? What kind of fucking sense does that make?

Okay, apparently this is happening. I'm in a dance club. The music is a louder version of... Oz. And there's Xander and Willow at a table near the stage. I'll just... stay over here on the far side of the bar. Hmmm... without father's self-conscious issues this isn't terrible. Dingoes Ate My Baby aren't exactly my favorite kind of music, but I find myself bobbing along to the tune. Hmmm... 'my kind of music' is mostly by bands that probably don't exist yet, assuming I inherited father's taste in music... I can't really remember what he used to listen to in the late nineties. Maybe I can catch one of the bands that broke up before father found out about them in concert?

I can definitely see why the locals like this place. Plenty of food to go around, and everyone is more than a little distracted by the music and the pretty girls dancing. Lovely little feeding ground. Amy looks absolutely fucking delicious in her new dress. An observation I do not appear to be alone in making. I do believe I've found a volunteer.

Amy catches my eye on the dance floor and nods her head towards the fledge that's been... attempting to flirt with her. I nod back and smile. Sure, he'll do.

-Behind The Bronze-

After watching Amy pretend to flirt with the fledge for half an hour, I find tazing him in the back after they leave the bronze together even more satisfying than usual.

"Jack! What the hell!?" Oh, a bonus! Amy seems to finally be drifting back towards her own swearing tendencies instead of using mine.

"What do you mean? You bring the idiot fledge out of the club, I taze him. That was the plan right?

"...he's a vampire!?" Amy hisses at me. "I thought you said he was okay!?"

"Okay? What? What are you talking about?"

"I nodded at him and you smiled, I thought that meant he was safe..." We stare at each other in confusion.

"...Apparently we need to coordinate our signals better. I meant he'd make a valid subject for a test I want to run. I thought that's... why... huh. Why _did you_ bring him out here?"

Bright red embarrassed Amy-face, "I uh... thought that we could make out or... I don't know."

...

I am, it turns out, no more okay with that than I was the idea of a fledge eating her. _Mine._ I mean, "seriously, _this guy? Really?_ If you want a fucking chew-toy I'll thrall you up a co-ed or something, but you can do better than... that... _"_ I nudge the moronic looking fledge with my foot. I mean, I know she had that crush on Larry but really?

Amy sighs while dragging her hands down her face, "No Jack, I do not want you to 'thrall me up a co-ed' I'm well aware that you'd bring me home a girl. I'm not a... I don't... so not the important part right now..." she trails off. Amy's thinking face makes an appearance. "Jack... you don't mean... do you..." Amy starts waving her arms back and forth in front of her, hands up in the stop position. "NOPE! Not asking that. I don't want to know." She turns and walks away, getting into the truck, hands over her ears and mumbling repeatedly, "nahnahnah nah nahnah I'm not listening"

"Awww... she's learning. How sad." I toss my prize in the back of the truck and we head home.

 **-Bellevu Residence-**

Ring goes on the _other_ ring finger of the strapped down fledge? The cross stops sizzling on his chest. Magic is active, check! I guess he's a lefty.

Removing his other arm, I watch in gleeful fascination as a new arm starts to grow out of the stump. Removing the ring halts the re-growth completely. Sad. I won't be able to re-grow limbs without the ring. Good to know for sure though. Replacing the ring restarts the regeneration process, which is fortunate. Hmmm... This does however leave me holding the old limb which now seems to serve no pur-... I remove the ring and then re-remove the re-grown bits of arm. I line the old limb up to the stump. Placing the ring on his finger causes the stump and arm to merge back into one being. That is awesome! I can have a whole collection of spare parts with this... or not. I watch the partially re-grown arm crumble to dust when the ring finishes reattaching the original limb. Gods Damn It.

I force feed the subject a pint of warm lemonade when the regeneration begins to slow and it picks back up again. Okay, so it still works off of blood, makes sense I suppose. I did think I felt a slight drain while standing in sunshine.

Staking works as expected, the wound closing up just like William's did on TV. Excellent. Neither repeated nor larger bore stakes appear to deviate from this pattern. Awesome.

Now, where did I put that blow torch? Ah, yes. Huh, subject still seems to catch fire, but doesn't appear to die from it. Extinguishing the flame is unusually difficult. I guess that's better than immediately reducing to ash. The burn scars heal like the arm regenerated too, that's useful. Ring does not appear to use Troll logic- Well, other than in determining what counts as wearing it correctly that is.

Decapitation? Awww. Damn it. That sucks. I snatch up the ring quickly before he finishes dusting, just in case. I should probably avoid Balthazar's sword fetishist cult.

I start climbing the stairs up from the basement. "Amy! We need to go dancing again..."

I wonder how long it will take for Amy to develop a reputation among the local vamps if the ones that drag her off into alleyways are never seen or heard from again? Then again they never seemed to pick up on Buffy being death on legs so who knows. The universe and stupidity after all. Or should I say multiverse now?

 **-The Gallery - Joyce's Office-**

Joyce looks horrified, "And they sent you to Sunnydale?"

"Yeah, my grandmother's friend is letting me crash on her couch while all my paperwork processes. I'm hoping to sell off some of these things so I can square away a place of my own, and get out from under her feet." I gesture at the collection of non-magical art-like loot I brought with me... wow must be a few weeks ago now, where it hangs on the walls making up Lot 13. I'm repeating the story I told Willow and Co. for what must also now be the umpteenth time. Fortunately, It's not like they could get Mrs. Bellevu to deny it. Watching Joyce struggle with how to tell the 'nice orphan boy' that he ought to be careful at night in his new hometown is a nice bonus. Hell, anything that gets her to stop looking so gods damned sad about Buffy running away is a nice bonus. Expressions, they should have variety. "Speaking of, you said we got an offer on one of the paintings?"

"Oh. Yes. Three of them." She pulls out a folder full of some manner of paperwork and starts skimming over it. "We have bids on record for... 13-B, C and E for Fifty Thousand."

"... did you just say fifty grand?" Amy may have a heart attack.

"Yes. Each." She starts handing me paperwork to sign. Whoa... that's a lot of money for what I wouldn't call terribly impressive paintings.

"People are willing to shell out fifty grand a piece for... Uh... whatever those are?" I finish signing off on the sale.

"Oh yes, our Mayor is quite the collector. He seemed quite excited about them, apparently they're missing pieces from a set he's collecting"

Wait... " _Mayor Wilkins_ just bought all three paintings?" I stare at the paperwork Joyce is happily filing... this can't possibly bode well.


	20. Interlude 4 - Greco-Roman Gossips II

**Interlude 4 - Greco-Roman Gossips II**

*** POV: Eris (Emilia) ***

 **-An Ethereal Boardroom-**

I slump in my seat, mentally composing the next verse of the I am bored song. Stupid goddesses of Order.

I shouldn't have bothered Concordia. Yes, I see you over there looking all attentive and stuck up and ... damn it, I can't even enjoy insulting Concordia. I'm trapped in this meeting with the Elder Powers, while they drone on and on and on and on about how terrible it is that some ancient treaty was violated. Oh, Me, I don't care! Why won't it end!? Why does my brother Ares have all the luck? Sitting next to Bacchus over there, he's clearly halfway to a drunken stupor. Share the wealth damn it. I must remember to claim that seat next meeting. I almost cry at the realization that there will, of course, be a next meeting.

...And that bitch Hecate has been smirking at me this entire time. What does she have to be so smug about? Look at me! I have three bodies but can somehow magically still sit in this one chair! I'm so fucking magical! Wow, these meetings make me bitchier than those menstrual cycles mortal women have to put up with. Clearly I should avoid them in the future for... health reasons... yeah, that's it.

"Does anyone have anything to report?" Oh thank us, that's what they ask right before everyone says no and the meeting breaks up for a while.

"Actually... I might." Wait what? Who... Asclepius? Speaking of health reasons, what could you possibly have to report? "A sacrifice was offered in my name this week. What's more, the call was sent out by the sacrifice of a human woman. Not a virgin, but I haven't received a human sacrifice in ages. I'm not trying to gloat here, normally I wouldn't even mention it, but... when I attempted to investigate, instead of finding a drunken fraternity boy attempting to rid himself of a hangover... I found nothing. I couldn't follow the call at all. It was as if the petitioner didn't exist. Is it possible that whatever force is hiding our missing soul is attempting to taunt us?" Asclepius looks thoughtful, "Are we actually certain that he was taken by the forces of the Wolf, Ram and Hart?" No, we aren't. I should know, I'm the one who made that idea up as a distraction. If I had known it would make this latest in a rash of eternal meetings go even longer I wouldn't have opened my mouth. And what in Hades is Jack doing calling on other gods. Bad Minion!

Hecate somehow manages to look even more smug and grins at me. What is she up to? "Have we considered that we may not be going about this the right way?" Well, this can't be good. "We've all been searching for a missing or stolen soul yes?" Nodding all around the table. Hecate, what are you doing? "But this soul managed, in a scant ten minutes no less, to throw this world's fate into chaos before dying. Shouldn't we perhaps try looking for other worlds that have taken a sharp turn towards chaos?" Oh. That's fine. Yes, please go waste time staring at other worlds while my new minion runs free. Hecate, I take back- no. You're still a smug bitch.

"Damn it," The Elder Power I've dubbed Boringus Maximus the Leftmostus bangs his fist on the table. "We are running out of time to fix this. Hecate's plan is sound, we shall all begin searching at once." He attempts to glare menacingly at everyone. Meeting adjourned? Meeting is adjourned! I race out of the room.

...

What did he mean running out of time? I almost worry, but then I remember that I don't care about what he wants.

 **-Nowhere in Particular-**

"Hello Eris."

"What do you want Hecate?"

"Come now dear, there's no need to be rude. I simply wanted to tell you about the simply fascinating thing I saw while looking in on one of my favorite devotees." And her smug grin is back in place. How is it fair that Hecate of all people has managed to continue to have proper worshippers in this stupid modern age?

"Oh? And what was that?"

"Well, imagine my surprise when I looked in on one of the witches invoking my power and found her talking to herself? I feared briefly that she had gone mad, but then it seemed that _something_ was there. I simply couldn't perceive it directly in any way shape or form. Like staring at a pond, I could see a splash, and trace the ripples, but find no rock. Simply... fascinating... wouldn't you agree?"

I sigh. "What do you want Hecate?"

"To play of course. You have your... mortal of sorts, and now I have mine. It's been so long since we've had a proper wager." Well, okay then. Maybe she's not so bad.

"... you know what happened to his soul don't you?" I must admit I'm curious.

"Of course I do. But that would be telling." Oh how I hate you Hecate.

But still, she's not wrong. "Fine. Be that way, but what shall we wager?"

 **-?-?-**

I clap my hands together gleefully. This will be a marvelous game. Even if it is with ever so smug Hecate.

Hmmm, I should check in on Jack. Given that my bet now relies on him being more entertaining than Hecate's... whatever a composite soul is. Losing simply won't do.

I follow the tracer I left for myself in his blood and... "Who in Hades is this woman?" I'm in a wooded field, staring at a woman who is very obviously not Jack. I really hope she isn't at least. As entertaining as accidentally changing gender might count for in our game, she's growling at me like an animal. Mind wiping jack would really- No, she still seems to have a soul, so she can't be Jack. Hmmm... "Why do you have a giant letter B drawn on your chest? Is that one of those sports thing you mortals do occasionally?"

Instead of answering me, the woman lunges at my face. I roll my eyes and cave in her skull with a backhand. "Well, this... is awkward."

Taking stock of my earthly position, I set off towards the lights of what passes for civilization among mortals. How hard can it be to find a vampire in Sunnydale?


	21. Part 16 – Cycles, Cities, Psyches

**Part 16 – Sleeping Cycles, SimCities, and Psyches:**

 **-Bellevu Residence-**

"You want me to enchant your necklace... but you don't need it to do anything in particular, you just want it enchanted so it registers as magical?"

"Yes. Although ideally it'd look like a protective enchantment. I'd settle for Nystul's Aura though"

"Nystuls? ...What? ...Why?" Because The Mayor pays far more attention to details than the Scoobies do? Because I'd really rather my ring not be the first casualty of a daytime fight? Because rule 29? Because lots of things really.

"Ah, well, that actually brings me to my next point. I also need you to make my ring not look magical. Again, ideally it'd be a full on Nondetection and properly invisible as well, but I'd settle for a Nystul's making it just seem non-magical."

"Jack... remember how we talked about using D&D spells? How it doesn't actually work that way?" Aha! I notice you no longer claim to have no idea what I'm talking about! Victory!

"Yes Amy. I remember. But it's still what I want, and it's not like we can't buy you all the magical books you could possibly need now. Well, any that are in regular print. There must be _something_ similar." I mean, I've got the tattoos to prove it... they've just proven less than reliable at melee range. Sadly, that is also the range at which I become concerned about my ring being... separated from my person. Violently.

Amy's doing that massaging her temples thing again, "Why Jack? Why do you need a pretend magic necklace and an invisibility ring?"

"Oh, well, when someone eventually notices that I'm both a Vampire and regularly out and about during the day I'd much rather they assume it's because of my fancy necklace than because I'm some sort of science experiment waiting to happen."

Amy's hands come to a dead stop. "Out... about... day..?" She looks at me, doing that almost fish face humans do when they're trying to say multiple things at once and it all comes out strangled together. "What..? How...? Jack! Oh my God! You! ... You're... You're..." She trails off. Now she's just glaring at me. Her mouth moves periodically, but she seems to be having difficulty speaking again. "What… How..?" This again?

"Can I buy a noun or a verb here Amy? I'm not psychic… err, not reliably anyway." I've been practicing, but pulling people's thoughts out of their heads seems to be much harder than putting my own into them. That... seems really backwards to me.

"Sun. Jack. You are standing in the sunlight." Oh. I guess it moved while I was reading the classifieds. Wow, I really am getting acclimated to it. That's kind of depressing. Feels like conduct unbecoming of a proper vampire.

"Yes..? I am?" Let's not make a big deal of this. Not making a big deal out of this is kind of the whole point here. "It's not like this is news, I mean- don't get me wrong, Apollo is a complete douche canoe but he's still capable to making deals." I'm about to comment on the deal being that I wear my ring and he glares at me impotently when something occurs to me... "Wait, how did you think I was making it to the gallery to sell our loot?" Why yes, I am just going to ignore that I always waited for you to be asleep before doing that.

Amy seems far less enthused about my new found daytime freedom than I had hoped. I think her eye is twitching while she stares at me."Have you… Do you… Are- Three weeks!?… Jack! What the hell!?" Why is she angry? This is excellent news. I don't want to have eat my favorite minion. Particularly so soon after promoting her to trusted Lieutenant. What kind of message does that send? She balls up her fists. "I… Could… Have… Been… Sleeping… At… Night!?" Oh. That? Oops..?

"Well yeah, I suppose… if you wanted. Do you not like sleeping during the day?" Her eye is definitely twitching now.

"AWRRGLE!" Amy spins on her heal and stomps out the door. I shrug. She'll come around, she never holds onto the little things. Back to work. I grab the paper and resume circling real estate entries in the classifieds.

Damn, none of these houses are quite right, even at the ridiculously low Sunnydale prices. Putting up with regular visits from the Scoobies is getting fucking old. At least Willow and Xander dropped the 'half what' nonsense when I feigned awkwardness and told them Mother never said. I really should look into demonology and pick a thing to pretend to be. Then there's fucking Oz. He never says anything, but he keeps smelling me and giving me weird looks. It is really hard to distract a guy who never really talks and who's primary interest is a topic I know nothing about. Not, at least, without bringing up bands that don't exist yet like some sort of fucking uberhipster... I really need a new address.

...

Damn. I forgot to have Amy call the realtor back.

"Amy! Wait up!"

 **-Sunnydale : Later-**

"Now, this next one is a bit above the price range you said you were looking at, but I think that if you made a solid cash offer you could get them to take it. The price came down again recently, and I think the owners are really looking to sell." Hmmm… Real Estate Agent Lady… her name started with a J right? Jane? Jean? Joy? Whatever, Agent J it is. She sounds like she's hedging. What is she hiding?

Behind us, Amy takes a short break from her now... three hour? long attempt at glaring a hole in the back of my head to ask, "Is there a reason no one's been interested?" She doesn't seem to appreciate the fit of giggles I burst into in the middle of her question, but I couldn't help it. We'd just rounded the corner and I caught my first glimpse of the house. It's the frat house those snake worshiping Delta Zeta Kappas were living in. Oh, I think I want this one. I wave Agent J on as I fight to control myself. I'm curious how she'll try to spin _that_.

Agent J appears to appreciate the enormity of that task. She takes a deep breath in and carefully hedges, "There was a scandal involving the previous owners. The fraternity that lived there was… ah… found responsible… for... a number of deaths that occurred in the basement." She sounds so resigned. She sighs. "So we'll skip it?" She smiles that awkward smile that service people use when they're told they have to look happy all the fucking time.

"Pfft, I never understood the superstition surrounding houses like that." I wave her off, "There's no such thing as ghosts. It'll be fine. Let's go take a look. If the people in this town want to believe in things that go bump in the night that's their problem." Amy seems split between amusement and exasperation briefly before remembering that she thinks she's mad at me. Women…

Agent J looks delighted, and smiles brilliantly. I think this is the first smile she's actually meant, "Well alright then. I'll give you the full tour."

Amy pulls me aside by the arm as we get out of the car, whispering insistently, "Jack. You're _sure_ that nothing… you know…happened here? Or lives here?" She sounds nervous.

I laugh, whispering back, "Lived here Amy, past tense. Snake demon. The idiots tried to sacrifice a slayer to it." I roll my eyes, and huff "Buffy probably had a blast, hacking it into tiny little bits."

"… _her_ name you remember?" Damn, she seems annoyed again. No, not annoyed exactly... That's the face I thought she reserved for Willow? I mean I guess she did make the alternate list higher than Amy in that cheer-leading episode… But seriously?

"Well yeah, she's boinking my Grandfather. Mother _insisted_ I learn my family history. Well, that and it's the most ridiculous name I've ever heard. What was Joyce _thinking!?_ " Amy grins at me for the first time today and we head off after Agent J. Apparently Buffy gossip buys forgiveness from Amy. Who knew?

 **-Former Delta Zeta Kappa House-**

That tune from SimCity that father would hum to himself occasionally ever since he first played at the age of seven is playing full blast in my head as I look around. This is perfect. I could knock down this wall and expand the study area into a small library. Ditto the rooms on the opposite side of the... Atrium? Courtyard? The big open area in the middle... to put in a combat training area. Amy is… I think she's still staring wide eyed at the bathroom attached to one of the room's I told her could be hers. Gods, supernaturally wealthy frat boys did not spare expenses. It's too bad I doubt they sprang for necro-tempered glass in the… uh… screw, I'm calling it the Atrium. That way I could have Mother and William over during the day. Also not being trapped by my own house if I lose the ring might be nice. "So, how much is this place? You said we could probably get an even better deal if we made a cash offer, but you never actually mentioned any numbers."

"They could probably be convinced to let it go for around 200." Oh. Hmmmm… 'a bit above my price range' is apparently double what I said I was looking for. That's more than I have on hand… Then again… we've only managed to sell off a third of the loot so far, so it's not like we'd be broke permanently. And this house really should be worth a ton more than that. Sunnydale's housing market is absurd, but this... this is something else. It actually seems almost too perfect, I must be missing something. "You said this place has been on the market for almost a year now? Is it really superstitious nonsense thats been keeping it from selling?"

Agent J is hedging again, I give her a little mental nudge. "I think it's mostly the basement. There's been some difficulties getting a work crew to finish sealing off a tunnel that connects to come underground caves after the first team when missing." Wow, even with me pushing her she's still able to use euphemisms. That's kind of impressive. Also, very much not a problem to me. I'll just have to add... a... reinforced steel door to the renovations list. Controlled access to the tunnel network sounds fantastic.

"Amy! We're going to have to use your share too!"

"That's fine!" comes the answering shout from, surprise surprise, not the bathroom. What is she doing way over there? Eh… Probably playing architect just like I am. Amy finally surfaces with a wide grin.

"It looks like we'll take it."

"Oh, that is so good to hear. And don't worry about those cages in the basement, we can have them out of here by the end of the week." No. My Cages! MINE!

"Please don't. Good steel like that is damned hard to find." She's eyeing me funny, and Amy is making that face she makes when she walks in on my science projects. Oh! that probably sounded strange… uh… "Hey, weird art is paying for this house. I like the idea of making weird art out of the extra bits and pieces of it."

"Oh... You're an artist?" Amy is walking away obviously trying not to laugh at the idea. She has a point I suppose, father did like to say he had all the artistic talent of a drunken elephant. Of course then we found out that elephants could paint. They paint _modern_ _art,_ but still, it's not like the art critics could tell the difference.

"Amateur. But I like to think so. Then again, it is paying for this house, so maybe I can't really claim amateur status anymore?" I am making great strides in the delicate art of Thrall. It's sad that I don't seem to have the same raw power or knack, talents, whatever it is, for any of the other magical disciplines. I mean, I can totally set you on fire with my mind, but only if you agree to hold still for five minutes while I mumble angry sounding chants at you. Anyone willing to do that deserves their immolation.

 **-Sunnydale Memorial Hospital-**

I've got a brand new fridge to stock, Doo Dah, Doo Dah.

1\. 2. 3… Toss the baseball up, let it activate the hospital door's motion sensor while outside of my 'possession' and… stride through before it closes.

I've got a brand new fridge to stock, Doo Dah, Doo Dah.

Wave to the nurses' station while heading towards the back rooms where the doctors get changed into their scrubs.

I've got a brand new fridge to stock, Doo Dah Doo Dah Day.

Wave to Amy running down the hallway, Order a doctor to ' _badge us into the locker room.'_

 _…_

Wait? Wave to Amy? Didn't she say she was going to the beach with her Dad and his new girlfriend today?

I turn back around and Amy slugs me in the face. I pin her to the wall and glare… at… this… isn't… Amy. Weirdly close though, in a not really at all sort of way now that I can see her up close… and she seems very determined to try and kick me. ' _STOP IT!'_

 _…_

The fuck? I'm getting better at melting the ice in the cup before trying the straw, so to speak… but it's like my commands just leaked out her ears. Hmmm… what is going on in your little brain?

Eeesh. Sorry I asked. This is… wow, and I thought _I_ made a mess. This is like someone unplugging all the cables from a switch and then only bothering to plug half of them back in. Utterly at random too. I'm amazed you have enough das blinken lights to get out of bed. Huh, I wonder…

The red cable goes into the red port. That makes sense. Or it does if I ignore that there's nothing actually red involved. Okay… let's see… I think this one goes over here… OH! She stopped trying to kick me. No, wait- she just went limp in my arms. Okay maybe that one goes over here instead? Yes! We have muscle control back online. This is awesome, usually people try and force me out of their head when I start messing around like this. I think it must be some sort of reflex. You're a broken little thing around you? Yes you are… Okay, blueish yet not blue at all… aha! Let's shove it over there with the others!

"Ummm… excuse me? Sir? Thank you for stopping her. We can take her from here." Awww, the pompous jackass from the psychiatry department has arrived, orderlies in tow. I'm not done yet! Go away! Take a lap around the hospital and then come back for my patient?

They never listen to me when I think at them like that. The universe would be so much better if they did. Fine… "Oh, okay." I shrug and let go, "Bye Sandra." I wave.

"… B-B-Bye." She seems to have a stutter now. I wonder which psuedo-wire caused that? Come to think of it, I wonder how much of that experience was shaped by my mind. Would Mother see a bunch of unruly dollies having a chaotic tea party? Magic's done weirder.

Hmmm… everyone is staring at me. I guess I'll need to put off my blood run for another shift. Damn. Backing away slowly, I start making my way out of the hospital.

Well, what do I do with my day now? Hmmm… I am running out of room in the basement at the mansion for dumping bodies. I guess I could take another crack at a more permanent disposal method. It's just so conveniently anonymous leaving them there though. Although... While the mental image of Buffy going to chain up Grandfather and finding it completely full of dead people is hilarious, it'd probably put her on the warpath. Damn, Buffy has it easy, her kills poof into ash.

That's it! I'm bumping testing if I can drink blood from other vampires up to the top of the to do list.

Hmmm... It seems kind of weird that I don't recall ever seeing them do it on the show, except maybe Harmony and William down in that crypt?

Yeah… cannibalism testing sounds like a fantastic project to have someone else play guinea pig for. Then again, it's Harmony, she was probably just calling attention to her admittedly very nice boobs. Eh, better safe than sorry. Winding up like Harmony is not exactly a goal anyone should aspire to.

As the door starts to close behind me I hear one of the nurses ask, "Has Sandra ever spoken before?" Oh! I was right about her name! Ten Points to Slytherin for successfully pulling a name out of someone's head! ...Slytherin!? Where did that come from?


	22. Part 17 - Lightning Jack

**Part 17 - Lightning Jack:**

 **-Winters Residence - Atrium-**

I'm sifting through the latest ream of paperwork the lawyers sent over when Amy comes traipsing through the main door looking happily exhausted. Fortunately her red bikini top reminds me that she can light me on fire even as it calls attention to the fact that our more running and combat oriented exercises have done nothing to hurt her cheerleader's physique. I almost forget about my upcoming safari. Almost.

"Things go well at the beach with your dad's new girlfriend?" No Beach Demons followed you home?

"Oh Goddess Yes! I really like her, she seems to be really good for my dad." Amy pauses, scrunching up her nose into her contemplative face, "She seemed weirdly supportive of my moving out though, which I thought was weird. I know my dad doesn't mind only because I haven't found a way to uncurse him, but aren't adults supposed to oppose 17 year olds living on their own with strange boys?" That first thought still seems to throw her for a loop even as she looks pointedly at me on that last bit.. She can't possibly not understand...

"Uh, Amy? Would you want your new boyfriend's teenage daughter underfoot while you were trying to get laid?" Okay. Wow. Amy really didn't see that coming? She makes retching noises in the doorway before coming over and flopping down on the couch next to me.

"Gross. You're supposed to let me pretend my dad never does anything like- Jack... why..?" Why is she using suddenly using the exasperated voice instead of the disgusted one? That usually means she changed topics..?

"Why what..? We've been over this. I need nouns and verbs. Or do you seriously need me to explain why people want to get laid?" And on that note, I also need for you not to be sprawled out next to me stretching in such a distracting manner if you want productive answers.

"No. Again, Gross! But... oh, where to begin... How about... Why is Harmony Kendall in our living room? Why is she painting the walls? Why is she naked?" Amy's tone gets more and more pained as she goes on before suddenly veering sharply into confused. "...And... What the hell is a Google and why is there a shit ton of paperwork on the table saying you're going to be a stakeholder when they incorporate? Oh, and what is that thing you're wearing? Is that a gauntlet?" Uhh...

"Hoo boy... Okay, I think I've got the order straight. So, In order of asking, we have..." I start ticking off my answers on my fingers as I go.

One. "Because I ran into her at that coffee shop between Sunnydale Memorial Hospital and Restfield Cemetery and decided to keep her."

Two. "Most of why I did that is because you said you wanted the house repainted, and it seems I've inherited both father's dislike of choosing colors and of painting things. Hence her doing the painting instead..." I trail off realizing I'm not super clear on the next bit.

"Uhhh... I'm not really certain why she's naked. She did that all on her own... I think she said something about not ruining her dress?" I gesture towards the paint smeared Harmony who's taken to nodding like a loon. "If you need a more detailed answer, you'd have to ask her. Please don't though, because I only just got her to shut the fuck up without then suffocating, and a direct question might set her off again. Even just talking about her has caused her to stop painting." She literally stopped breathing when I tried to shut her up the first time. Those red wires? I've determined they must have something to do with breathing and voice related things. Harmony's were all braided together. It was obnoxious. But it did give me a hint as to what must have happened to Mrs. Bellevu. "Just enjoy the view. It's quite nice after all." My brother did at least have decent aesthetic taste when picking out my soon to be Niece.

Three. Er... Four actually. Oops. "Now, lets see... Google! That's a private tech company start-up that... well, it's complicated but the short version is that they are the hammer with which I shall smite that foul blue e. The pile of paperwork is because it turns out that start up companies are super on board with dealing with random strangers. I had to hunt a bunch of them down, introduce myself and, uh... _convince_ them... that I could be a useful member of the team. And they still wanted a bunch of money, cheeky bastards. Actually, thats where all the money from the latest round of sales went." Amy's eye twitches, "Don't look at me like that. Any good crusade includes the sacking of cities along the way. This is no different. Just think of it as having a lot more money... later. A _lot_ more. But the money isn't even the point."

I move on before Amy manages to have an aneurysm. Five. "And this... this is the Glove of Myhnegon, but yes I think gauntlet is a more accurate description." I smile at Amy who doesn't look at all appeased.

Amy massages her temples and makes her 'why me' face. "That doesn't- Okay, you know what. Pretend I said something scathing about eating my classmates. I can't actually bring myself to give a shit about Harmony. She's always been mean to me. And I guess I can trust you about the money stuff, you've been really good at it so far. So, what's this Glove of Myhnegon? Wait, Jack!? Did you go treasure hunting without me!?" Well, at least she's got her priorities in order.

"Technically, no. There was no hunting, not yet anyway. I've always known exactly where this is. It was just never worth collecting until now. Speaking of hunting though... I'm wearing it because I'm going to go use it to collect some new test subjects. I've actually just been waiting for you to get home before I head down into the caves for a safari."

"I'm going to regret asking how it'll help you collect... test subjects... aren't I?"

Shrugging, "I don't know, my tazer never seemed to bother you, and this is just an overpowered magical version of that."

"Wait, it's a magical tazer?"

"Yup. Shoots lightning bolts that knocks fledges down and leaves them twitching. It also feels like its augmenting my magical power slightly, but actually made using Thrall much harder. I suspect it's shifted my gifts from psychic hypnosis or whatever to electro-kinesis." Amy is suddenly staring at it covetously, like Gollum at the ring. "Yes, yes, you can use it to play Emperor Palpatine some time. Just as soon as I figure how to re-grow your arms." Amy suddenly stops inching towards it and looks back up at me.

"Regrow my arms!?"

"Yeah... see those spikes at the end that are embedded in my arm? I can't actually take this thing off. When I'm done I'm going to have to chop my arm off and _grow_ _a new one_. Last I checked, you can't re-grow limbs. And from what I remember of this morning you seemed rather fond of your right arm." I made doubly sure that the ring would re-grow an arm lost to the glove. Magic: The Gathering taught me the difference between just plain killed and sacrificed. It was kind of strange to watch the old arm turn to dust inside the glove the instant the new arm finished growing on the test fledge. The ring must be severing the connection to the old limb somehow, but it waits until regeneration is complete? I shrug. "And yes, you can add that to that list of 'Strange stuff Jack can do' you've got mounted on your wall."

Getting no immediate response I glance over at Amy who's turned an interesting shade of red while imitating a fish. "You know about that!?"

"Yeah... you didn't exactly hide it." It was right there on the wall.

"Didn't exactly hide it!?" She's doing the fish thing with her mouth. "I waited until you were out of the house!" Well how was that going to help?

"Well… okay… sure, but you put the cork board right next to your door… Wait, is there supposed to be a threshold there?" That might explain why she seems so shocked. Thresholds unfortunately still stop me. I wonder if I can hover above an open skylight?

"Cork board..? Jack… we're not talking about the same thing are we."

"We aren't? Do you have a different list of things about me in your room somewhere? It's okay if you do. I'm not mad. It's not like I don't have a running list titled 'Amy says the damnedest things' on my own wall. My favorite is still 'No Jack. No fucking my mother!' from when you were under that curse."

Amy groans. But at least she seems to be human colored again. "Never mind Jack. You uh… probably wouldn't care anyway." Amy, you are a _terrible_ liar... just- Oh I can't be arse'd right now. I'll deal with it later. Right now it's safari time!

I shrug, "Probably not. Alright, well, anyway. I'm off. Try to keep an eye on Harmony. I'd suggest not getting too close to her though."

"Yeah yeah, I know... I shouldn't get too attached because she's going to die when you eat her." Amy rolls her eyes at me, but she sounds rather resigned while looking at Harmony. Odd.

"Oh. No, you can fall in love with her to your heart's content. Just don't get within about five feet of her or she'll try to paint you instead of the wall." I point to the bit of paint splattered on my shirt. "I haven't figured out why she does it, but I choose to blame the glove's side effects. That or some manner of protest against the vile nature of painting things." Why would I kill my unborn Niece? She's hilarious. I shrug and head down the stairs to my lab.

 **-Winters Residence - Lab-**

 **Project Recycled Blood - August 7th - Groups 1A - Conclusions:**

· None of the fledges seem to be suffering any ill effects from consuming a packet's worth of each other's blood.  
· They do not appear to be able to tell the difference between blood from the hospital and blood from a fellow fledge.  
· Those that were fed a packet of fledgling blood report mild indigestion about half an hour later, but did seem able to process it successfully over the next hour.  
· They all seemed to be really freaked out once I've explained what I was testing. None of them appeared to be able to articulate why it bothered them beyond variations of 'That's Gross!' perhaps I should be looking for fledges that are not products of the Sunnydale's dismal education system?  
· As of this time Group 1 has been terminated due to having become resistant to further participation. I shall have to set up future studies to remove such possibilities. Perhaps an IV type delivery system?

Grabbing the notebook I'm using for my ring studies, I jot down my additional data on the ring's limitations.

 **Ring Sciences - August 7th - Additional Stake Testing Results.**

· Blunt force trauma to the head does _not_ induce memory loss, even when fully caved in. Do we not do our thinking in the brain? Why does decapitation matter then? Possibly related to the ring?  
· A fledge who reports being hungry can sustain an average of approximately 70 stakings before dusting even with the ring on.  
· Fledges that report being well fed can require in the neighborhood of 200 stakings.  
· Increasing the length of time a stake is in seems to produce a very slight downward deviation on those averages.  
· Solo stake duration test is ongoing. Current runtime is at ~4.5 hours.

Gods I love having a proper lab. 8 test subjects and I could easily accommodate twice that many. Those caverns are full of them, no wonder why my brother never seemed to want for minions.

...

I should probably go be productive rather than stare at a fledge waiting for him to dust.

...

· Solo stake duration test is cancelled due to realization that I would need to leave my ring behind on the fledge. Final Runtime 5 hours 13 minutes.

If I can't get a stake out of me in that much time I have more pressing issues. But it does seem that the healing powers of the ring still run on… Blood Power? Hmmm... maybe I should have saved some of the blood for the next round of testing? Still, hard to argue with the near complete lack of clean up required. Now there's an idea...

 **-Sunnydale Mall-**

"Jack... Really..?" Amy whines. Whines! At me. She looks like she deflated, holding the pose from the end of her long suffering teenage girl sigh.

"Too much?" She rolls her eyes at me.

"It looks like something _Xander_ would wear." Wow, that's an impressive number of negative emotions being conveyed in one face. Two faces actually. Harmony is nodding along in equally disapproving agreement.

"Ah, _well then_." I remove the bright orange Hawaiian shirt. "Rule 29 or no, there are just some lines that must not be crossed."

"I should never have let Willow help you find that damned list... Where is Harmony going?"

"... I think she's decided that she's now in charge of wardrobe decisions. Actually... I think I'm going to go ahead and let her handle it. She is the one who got paint on my one good shirt after all." Harmony on a mission in a clothing store is a sight to behold. Amy shares my fascinated amusement right up until the point where Harmony starts picking out things for her to try on too. Good Minion.

"I am not putting this on. No! Bad Harmony! Jack... make her stop." I hear her whine from the next changing stall over.

"Uh... What's wrong with the dress? From what I saw it was very... blue?" I shrug. I don't understand men's fashion let alone women's.

"It's not the dress! It's her insistence on pairing it with a thong!" Amy hisses back at me.

"Oh... In that case, nope! You're on your own Amy. Anyone got popcorn?" Should I be taking bets on whether or not Amy resorts to fire magic?

 **-Winters Residence - Lab-**

 **Project Toothpick Disposal – August 11th – Final Conclusions:**

· Resounding success! Draining dinner almost dry and then feeding them some fledge blood converts them into a pile dust after 2-3 nights if a toothpick is left in their heart.

It also provides a potential supplemental source of test subjects given that the caverns seem to be less populous of late. Are they coming out of hibernation now that Summer is winding down? Or is something driving them out?

...

Hmmm... I wonder if that something is just me? Oh! There goes my alarm clock. I gotta get a move on if I want to make it to LA in time.

 **-Los Angeles Warehouse-**

"And here we have Lot 13; 1 liter of Mohra Blood. Bidding starts at four thousand. Do I see- I see four- I see five thous- I see six thousand dollars. Do I see seven th- I see seven thousand dollars."

The greenish blue demon next to me and I glare at each other.

"Do you need the whole liter? I can split it with you." He? She? It! nods in agreement.

"I see 8 thousand dollars! Do I see nine thousand?"

Now we're both glaring at some jerk in a suit. Fuck you very much good sir. That's mine, err... ours.

"Ten thousand dollars!" I raise my stupid paddle thing again. I hate fucking auctions. Gods damn it, my arm still fucking itches. I hate re-growing limbs.

 **-Winters Residence - Lab-**

Project Recycled Blood - August 15th - Groups 2A and 2B - Conclusions:

· Feeding fledges multiple packs of fledge blood begins to pain them at around the equivalent of 4 packets. One of them died while ingesting the eighth pack. By packet number 12, attrition had claimed 7 out of the 8 members of group 2A.  
· Feeding group 2B even as many as twelve packs spaced out evenly over the course of a full day just gives them repeated instances of indigestion. (see Group 1 findings)  
· Draining group 2B of blood only recovered an extra 9 packs of blood per fledge. Something is happening to the missing 3 packs of blood?

Results seem consistent with alcohol poisoning. Perhaps there is a buildup of some manner of toxin(s)? Further research is clearly required.

Amy's legible hourly notations during the periods I was in L.A. hunting down Barney's auction show promise that she can be trusted to double as a lab assistant… on any experiment that doesn't make her vomit immediately upon hearing it's description anyway.

Amy further noted that the surviving member of 2A was listed as being the eldest having been sired some 5 odd years ago. Hmmm, they do seem to have died mostly in order by age with only a few exceptions. Next time maybe I should probably make sure that the age of the blood packet donors is also accounted for? Ah well, time suit up and play with my new toy. Hopefully I can find a way to safely let Amy wear the glove.

Speaking of Amy, I hear her coming down the stairs as I begin prepping for my next experiment. "I hate el niño!" ...? Oh, Amy is dripping wet. "That thunderstorm you were so excited about is here early. But whatever you wanted to show me is going to have to wait while... I... dry... Why are you wearing... is that a hazmat suit?" She starts backing up the stairs.

"Yes it is. See the bottle of green glowing fluid?" She nods vigorously, eyeing it like a bomb. "No touchy! Very expensive. Possibly very dangerous." I wave her back up the stairs. "Go towel off and then come get me? Maybe just yell down the stairs?"

I… very carefully… fill a syringe with Mohra blood. "Ok 2A-"… I recheck my notes… "5? let's… play… SCIENCE!" I… very carefully… inject the sole 'surviving' member of group 2 with the Mohra Blood. At just shy of the full 50cc he suddenly starts convulsing. I… very carefully… put the syringe in the disposal bin and wait.

I don't have to wait long before there's a flash of light and my fledgling test subject… is… now a coma patient. Well. It's certainly _a_ result. It seems that regaining 'life' does not cause the subject to regain their soul. Or Animating Spirit or whatever Amy was talking about the last time I bought it up.

...

I think I'll let Amy be the one to collect that one's blood. Do not want. The vial of Mohra Blood is definitely being marked as poison and placed in the safe until I can… find… a… I have a human test subject! I dub thee Subject…M!

I think... yes, I'm going to need another pair of gloves to put on top of these. Accidentally become father was bad enough. This would just be… I shudder. Maybe I won't go hunting for Mohra Demons. I think paying the exorbitant price is worth not becoming… that. Ick.

Now… where is my cleaver? I should probably heat it up so it cauterizes.

"Jack! I'm ready! What is it you wanted to show me?"

Oh! Showtime! "Just a minute." I mark the vial of Mohra Blood as a poison and place it in the safe before racing up the stairs.

 **-Winters Residence - Backyard-**

I step outside into the storm while Amy looks on from just inside the back door.

"Okay Amy. Ready? I call this show 'Jupiter says Fuck This Place in Particular!" I resist the urge to cackle as I hold up the glove " _Tar chugam a chumhacht Myhnegon!_ " And isn't that a mouthful? But it works… I have less than an instant to notice that it feels very different outside in a storm than it did down in the caves before -

...

I blink, looking up at Amy. Why am I on the ground soaking wet? Amy looks concerned. "Jack! Are you okay!?"

...

Right! I burst into a fit of giggles. "Why… Why wouldn't it… work like a- fucking druid spell? Of course it does. It's in fucking… Gaelic!" I clap my hands happily on the ground.

"Jack…?"

"Amy!" I giggle a little.

"Jack?"

"Amy!" I giggle a lot.

"You're not okay are you?" Hmmm...

"I… may be high as a kite! get it? A kite?" _I_ think I'm funny. Amy clearly disagrees.

She does that thing where she rubs her temples. "Can you stand up?"

"Probably. But I'd rather wait for the sky to stop spinning." Amy shakes her head and walks away. I catch raindrops on my tongue.

Amy comes back some time later with a blood packet. "Drink this, they usually fix whatever you've done to yourself."

...

Damn. So that's what happens when I massively overfill the cup. On the plus side it will most likely be a few days before the tattoos siphon me back down to melting ice. I've come to the conclusion that that melting ice sensation is what burns through my blood supply so rapidly. I sit up, everything tingles slightly. "Thank you. Let's go back inside."

"So… what happened?"

"I made the mistake of worrying what the neighbors would think when planning a lighting show for you."

Shaking her head, Amy just walks back into the house mumbling about insane vampires.

On the plus side, if I can find a storm every 3 or 4 days I should be able to cut down on my blood intake by a considerable margin… I think this is the first time I've been bothered by Southern California's obnoxiously fantastic weather. I wonder how Myhnegon feels about municipal power grids?


	23. Part 18 – Seasonal Affective Disorder

A/N - This is the first of a series of chapters where the scoobies will seem like asshats if you forget who's telling the story. It'll all make more sense when Xander's interlude comes around.

 **Part 18 – Seasonal Affective Disorder**

 **-Winters Residence - Kitchen-**

"JAAAACK!?"

I look up from my morning paper and pint of blood as Amy's incensed shriek rips through the house. I hear… two sets of running feet? I grin.

Amy comes racing into the kitchen looking murderous. Harmony right behind her.

"WHY WAS HARMONY IN MY BED!?"

"I… can't explain. It wasn't me. Err... I don't think it was me. Last I saw her was when I reconnected her power of speech and sent her home last night. I did tell her to come back this morning like usual, but I hadn't seen her until just now."

"She… was… IN! my bed. In it. Staring at me! Just like she's doing right now! Whatever you broke, FIX IT!"

"Damn, I thought I fixed that glazed expression bug. Okay okay, don't get your panties in a- Amy? You do realize that you're not wearing pants right?"

Amy is gone in a red blur before I can finish my observation. I grab Harmony before she manages to follow her. The trick with pranks is to not carry them too far. I reset Harmony's instructions and send her off to resume painting my living room. I wonder how Amy figured out she would wear _other_ people's clothes while painting?

I drain the last bit of lemonade from the cup. Hmmm... still a little hungry... "Harmony! Come back here!"

 **-Winters Residence - Lab-**

 **Project Bloodspark - August 20th - Attempt 1: Standard Home Wiring – Conclusions**

· Power drawn directly from a home electrical connection is fairly minimal. Maybe enough to offset half a packet's feeding.  
· Amy and Harmony both get really cranky when I accidentally short out the neighborhood's electrical wiring.  
· The town electric company takes an obnoxiously long time to diagnose and repair four telephone pole transformer things when they all spontaneously fail at once.

Some manner of high end capacitor is clearly required before resuming testing. Perhaps one of the ones used for rail guns? When Amy calms down maybe I'll have her call MIT. I need her to call the lawyers again anyway. Custody paperwork takes for fucking ever to get filed properly when the adoptee isn't around. Thank the gods for thrall.

Hmmm... Nah. Making either of them deal with Harmony would likely be counterproductive, and Amy would hate letting her take over something more than she hates doing it herself. Maybe it'll be worth bringing up again when I'm done adjusting her mind. Speaking of Harmony... I probably need to visit the hospital again for more lemonade.

 **-Winters Residence - Atrium-**

Amy leans into the livingroom "Those Google people are on the phone again Jack. They said something about Judge McNamara and a zoning dispute for their new offices. They wanted to know if you could handle it for them like you did last time."

...

"How many fucking legal disputes can an internet startup be involved in?"

Amy does not look sympathetic to my plight. They must have just woke her up. She hates everyone and everything for an hour after that. "You're the one that decided it was easier to mind control a judge into signing off on things rather than waiting for the normal approval process. Are you really surprised that they want you to make everything else go that fast too?"

"Yeah yeah, tell them I'm on my way. I'll be there.." I dig my watch out of my pocket it's not quite 1 A.M. yet. "...Before dawn tomorrow morning to talk everyone around."

Amy nods and tosses me the keys. I wonder if just eating opposing council again would violate the 'don't be evil' motto. It'd be another lawyer after all, so that makes it my good deed for the week right? I sigh, "Damn geniuses and their ability to recognize patterns."

 **-The Bronze-**

Sitting at our table in The Bronze, Xander and I chat amicably to pass the time as we watch the girls dance to the Dingoes' tunes.

"Nope! Mass sterilization. No new humans, just a waiting game as the current population dies of natural causes. It's a perfect solution. No killing required."

"You've got a disturbing mind Jack."

"Thanks Xander! So nice of you to notice." I try and delivery the line as warmly and heartfelt as I possibly can so that he doesn't mistakenly assume I'm being sarcastic. He's been doing that a lot lately.

Amy and Willow flop tiredly into the remaining two chairs. "Hey you two, all danced out?"

"Just break taking. What're you two talking about? It looked heated for a while there."

"Oh, Jack here was just explaining how he thinks that sterilizing everyone is the way to go." Xander smirks at me.

Amy slumps down in her seat and groans.

Willow, red-faced, starts shaking her finger at me. "Jerk! You can't do that! It… That would be very of the badness. And… and… I'd stop you!" She glares at me.

I roll my eyes at Willow, and turn to glare at Xander. "What I'm sure Xander meant to include in that was that we were discussing the Terminator movies. He was saying that Skynet's programmers were obviously fucking Muppets for not including provisions against killing its own citizens. I'm simply pointing out that no self respecting intelligence, artificial or otherwise, should consider that challenge insurmountable. Which brings back to my original reason for being here. Willow, do you happen to know where I could find some good books on technomancy?" Like say, the ones you got from Miss Calendar?

Hmmm... usually Willow only makes that face when I make a joke about her not being a hooker because she's neither dead nor in a trunk. All I asked for some books to help make my new investment run smoother. Sheesh.

 **-Sunnydale Memorial Hospital-**

My stroll towards the hospital locker room is brought to an unexpected halt when a doctor in his lab coat step into my path and stares at me.

"YOU!" A finger is pointed at me accusingly.

"ME!" I agree. I am me after all.

"What did you do?" this again?

"Seriously? I expect this kind of thing from Amy or Harmony, but you're a doctor. Shouldn't you understand the need for specificity?" Also, you're in the way. I'm trying to get to the blood bank.

"Sorry. You're the boy that got Sandra to talk, yes?"

"Who?"

"Oh... Sorry to bother you. You looked like someone who helped one of our patients."

"Patients? Oh! You mean the girl that punched me? Right. How is she?"

"I understand she's doing very well, though obviously I can't go into details. Her doctor was hoping to talk to you about what you did for her... We're all very curious." Lesson learned. No fixing random crazy people. It makes the psychiatrists get _curious_.

I shrug. "... She reminded me of a friend back home, I just did what I would have done if she were having an episode. It really just amateur hypnosis. I would _NOT_ call it hypnotherapy." I just want to steal my blood and leave. Why won't you go away?

...

' _Go Away'_

 _"_ Would you be- Thank you for your time, I have to go."

Yes. You do. ' _You're late! Run!'_ "...Bye!"

Now... where was I? Ah yes. Step 3; Stealing scrubs from the locker room.

 **-Winters Residence - Lab-**

 **Project Recycled Blood - August 25th - Groups Elder, 3A, 3B and M2 - Conclusions**

· I HAVE CAPTURED A MASTER VAMPIRE!

...

Damn it. Science is no place for exaggerated gloating. Glorious fight or no. I cross it out.

· I have acquired a nearly fifty year old Vampire for testing purposes. Designated as Subject Elder  
· Feeding Subject Elder blood from fledges does not seem to induce indigestion until the 6th packet. Elder vampires appear to have built up a tolerance perhaps?  
· Feeding the fledges 2 packets of blood from the Subject Elder killed 5 out of the 8 members of group 3A. Once again, the survivor was one of the older fledges, but not the oldest. Odd.  
· Most disturbingly, the survivors of 3A exhibit some small strength gains, but Subject 3A-7 has begun some of the traits previously only noted in subject Elder. The other survivors were all sired by Elder, or one of Elder's children. Some manner of family trait override as the older blood replaces the younger?  
· Reducing quantities to 1 packet for group 3B induced the pain previously noted in group 2A at ~4 packets, but only in 6 of the subjects. Older vampire blood is more potent? Or carries more of the alcohol like toxins? Some fledges have a stronger or weaker resistance or tolerance? Hmmm... The 2 vampires not reporting symptoms are also Elder's direct descendants.  
· Subject M expired during limb regeneration. Cause of death appears to have been either starvation or heat stroke due to his body rapidly burning through already low fat reserves to fuel the growth of his new arm. Perhaps some manner of nutrient rich supplement should be included in treatment? Or perhaps spacing growth out over a longer time period?  
· Subject M2, fed the reclaimed blood Subject M, appears to be suffering no ill effects. She did report that it tastes stale. I find myself curious what Subject M3 will think. Mohra Blood may be a possible decontaminating agent for fledge blood. I should look into Iodine's similar uses on drinking water for comparison purposes. Shame about the expense.  
· As before, reclamation fails to recover all of the blood fed to subject, blood from older vampires especially so. Subject Elder and M2 remain viable and have not subjected to reclamation.

I sigh. Well, again, they're the results. Not liking them doesn't change that. Subject Elder's blood seems to be 4 times as toxic as that of a fledge. The strength gains of 3A's survivors looked promising, but it only seems to be safe to drink blood from my own direct family line. Even ignoring the obnoxiously high risk of suffering a critical existence failure, I'm rather attached to the knack for Thrall I presumably got from Mother. Curious that… Did the gift skip over Grandfather and Great-Grandmother? Or were they simply not of the personality types to work at it given what they were able to accomplish just as easily with words and a pretty face.

Now is not the time to be distracted by Great Grandmother's pretty... face. The kind of eating I'd like to – No. She's dust currently anyway, and I really need to get back to my limb regeneration studies.

 **-Winters Residence - Atrium-**

I look around at the now completely repainted living room. Credit where credit it due.

"Good job Harmony! You were right, this color really does look fantastic in here."

"I know right?" ... She's getting entirely too good at reconnecting her voice. It's probably all that practice she gets yammering on about gossip at school.

...

"Harmony! I have a new project for you. I think you'll like this even more than painting. I need you to go tell people..."

 **-Winters Residence - Combat Training Room-**

I stare in alternation at the wall and Amy. That is so very worth all the time and effort, not to mention expense, of figuring out how to regrow human limbs. I love Mohra Blood!

Arming Amy with the Glove of Myhnegon is a sight to behold. What for me is a glorified tazer, Amy turns into a fucking cannon. Sadly, I think the target dummy is mocking her.

"Don't worry about it. We can fix that hole in the wall. Let's just, you know, work on hitting the... target... next time."

Amy doesn't seem to have heard me, she's still staring at the glove looking like Christmas came early.

 **-The Gallery - Joyce's Office-**

Stepping into her office at the gallery, I'm struck by the fact that she looks genuinely happy for the first time since I've started working with her.

"Hey Mrs. Summers. Amy said you were looking to talk to me?" I still find it a little bizarre that people just accept that I'm never available to talk on the phone. Amy begrudgingly accepting her position as my secretary makes a sort of sense. She's clearly come to the conclusion that I'm some manner of luddite because of my reactions to constantly being confronted by such ancient technology. Whatever, once I'm done rewriting Harmony I can probably make her take over the role. "Did someone try to buy one of the remaining pieces."

"Oh. No, I just wanted to say thank you."

"…for what?"

"I got a call from the Chief of Police a few days ago. They're dropping all charges. My daughter can come home!"

"That's awesome Mrs. Summers!" Feign confusion. "But… why are you thanking me?" There is no need to fake my derision regarding the Sunnydale Police. "Shouldn't you be thanking whichever detective finally realized he was being a fuc- ahem, a Muppet?"

"Oh come on now. I've heard about the little scene you made in the police station yesterday. Whatever you said to them. Thank You."

Feign discomfort. "Oh… uh… you're welcome. It just didn't seem right is all." Rumors are incredibly easy to start when you have the biggest gossip of the high school on staff. Oh Harmony, you continue to find the most bizarre ways to prove useful. Maybe I won't feed you to William. I'll have to think about it.

"Would you and Amy like to come over for dinner tomorrow night? I feel like it's the least I can do."

...

"That would be awesome Mrs. Summers. I accept your invitation. I'm sure Amy will be thrilled as well." MUAHAHAHA! Suck it threshold protections. Suck it! And here I just wanted the Slayer's mother to feel indebted to me.

This is so worth all the time I've had to spend rummaging through various police officer's heads to keep apprised of when the Mayor rescinded his demands that they push the investigation forward. I still catch myself wanting a fucking donut occasionally, and none of the places around here make a decent Boston Crème.

...

Well, there's a horrifying thought. What if it's my new vampire taste buds ruining them?

 **-Sunnydale Memorial Hospital-**

Gods Damn It! I've been cornered again. I prepare myself to endure another boring chat with a psychiatrist. This one promises to be especially surreal because I distinctly remember seeing this man minioning for my Brother later this year.

"Hi. You're Jack Winters right? My name is Dr. Walsh, I'm Sandra's doctor. I was wondering if you'd mind answering some questions about... you called it hypnosis?"

' _Go A-'_ uhhh... "Did you say Dr. Walsh? ...Do you know a Maggie Walsh?"

"Oh, you've met my wife?" Huh, a ton of stuff just started making sense.

"Heard of her. She teaches psychology over at UC Sunnydale right?"

"Reeeaallly? You go to UC Sunnydale? You know, we have an internship here at the hospital if you're looking to get a head start on your work study requirements." I never said. Oh, yes. I bet you'd love to make a case study out of my work.

"Well, I'm only in high school right now..." Oh, to hell with it, in for a penny, ' _tell me more about this internship.'_ Maybe I can get paid to practice my thrall, and mother nature creates the most interesting messes that I'd love to be able to simulate. These people are clearly never going to allow me to steal my lemonade in peace.

 **-Sunnydale Cemeteries-**

Walking past Erikson Cemetery on my way home from the hospital I hear the sounds of fighting, as choreographed by the Marx Brothers at least. This ought to be amusing. I head a bit further along until I can see past the mausoleum blocking my view and rest my arms on the chest height cast iron fence that once may have... kept out toddlers maybe? Certainly isn't going to keep a vampire IN.

Scoob on fledge action is usually almost as good as a Three Stooges episode. Although... Huh, I don't remember ever seeing them manage a 3v3 before. Where's Cordelia? Didn't Harmony mention her being home from Mexico in her latest report? Oops. Vamp chick got Xander in a headlock... I wonder how they survived this canonically?

...

"Well… Damn," I huff out as I vault over the cemetery fence. Sure, I haven't proven they won't spontaneously pull some manner of plot armor driven victory out of their asses, but I'd rather not bet the world on that. I have all of my of stuff here after all and honestly? Doing the whole saving the world thing myself sounds fucking exhausting. One rescue, made to order. This is what I get for setting the script on fire.

"Excuse me! …Hi... Sorry to interrupt." Okay… Fucking Seriously? That's all it took to get the fighting to stop? I mean I know the fledges are uniformly retarded, but come on! Willow at the very least was supposed to be smart. Eh, gift horses and mouths or whatever, and I guess this is still their early years. I flick my wrist and hack off the head of the nearest fledge. I can't even bring myself to take joy in the dumbfounded look on his dumb looking face. Fish. In. A. Barrel! My gods! How do any vampires survive their first week? Who honestly thought turning these morons was a good idea? That girl over there let Xander out of a headlock because someone came over and said hello? I mean really?

I bet it was someone looking for cheap labor. Or maybe an easy lay? She did at least look pretty flexible. Oh who cares. They make excellent training dummies. Oh! This one has a knife. What good is that going to do you? Come on! Try it! I dare you! That's not a knife! This is a knife!

"Is it just me or does anyone else find that laugh incredibly disturbing?" Huh? What laugh? What are you talking about Xander?

"It's more of a cackle really." Ah. Must be some sort of secret Scooby/Shaggy in joke? At least Oz is helping, he staked that one guy.

Fledgey McKnifington stumbles on a root and our fun little dance ends abruptly. Ah well. I turn around and find the three stooges all staring me while nodding in agreement with each other. I point my sword at Xander, which would probably be more intimidating if chasing the idiot fledge hadn't carried me well outside of melee range of them. "Fuck you Charlie Brown! No commentary from the Peanuts gallery!"

The look of shock on their faces is all the warning I get before I feel a stake punch through my back and into my heart. Fucking Ow! I whip around and slam my fist into the sneaky fucker of a fledge. I grin at the satisfying crack of a nose breaking. How very dare you interr- Well fuck. Hi Buffy. I think I find it even more disturbing that a Slayer just snuck up on me than I did the idea that I had miscounted the number of fledges fighting. Of course now I'm staring at a Slayer who's face is morphing from confusion to anger almost as fast as her nose is un-breaking itself. How is that even fair?

I do first sensible thing that occurs to me. I channel the ever-living fuck out of Dawn Summers, annoyed younger sibling extraordinaire. "Gods Buffy! Rude much!? You can't just walk up to people and shove things into them! You have to at least by me dinner first!" I spin back around and glare at the Scoobies before marching off. "You know what!? Fuck you all very much! Christ on a cracker, see if I ever try to help _you buggerfucking hunters_ again! If it's not wolf boy trying to sniff me, or Willow angling for a one-more-some, it's Stabberific Barbie and her amazing pegging fetish! Well at least Willow must be happy, she finally found the final member for that foursome she's always wanted!"

I could probably have come up with more material but having reached the cemetery gate it seemed superfluous and yelling with a stake through my left lung hurts. Fortunately this left me free to hear Willow's latest rendition of "Jack's a Jerk" be interrupted abruptly by Buffy's cry of "Mr. Pointy!"

...

Running at top speed with a stake in my heart put my previous discomfort in some perspective. Fuck that hurts!

I slam the door behind me as I stomp into the house. I can hear the shower upstairs. Damn. I can't reach this stupid stake. Fortunately I seem to have good timing as the sound of running water cuts off just as I make attempt number two to do so. "Amy!? Little help please?" I can hear her rushing around for a bit before her door opens.

...

I wonder how many faces she'll make when she sees what she gets to add to her wall this time?


	24. Interlude 5A – This is Just My Life Now

A/N - Again some of the Scoobies action may seem bizarre until you see Xander's side of things.

 **Interlude 5A – This is Just My Life Now:**

*POV AMY*

 **-Winters Residence - Atrium-**

I flop over onto the couch. Of _course_ fucking Harmony would be here. I come home wearing a bikini and Jack has Harmony painting the room naked. Of course he doesn't even look at me. Why would he, with Harmony and her obnoxiously fantastic pair of-

...

No. Not okay. I'm getting a her bathrobe. She has to wear _something!_ I am not going to fucking 'enjoy the view' Jack. And while I'm on the topic, is it really necessary to stare at me like _I'm the lunatic_ whenever I use the F word? Seriously? You can curse like a drunken sailor, but oh no! Amy said a bad word. Fucking crazy vampires and their fucking super hearing.

Fucking Harmony. "Put this on."

"Thank you, Amy."

Ungh... Didn't Jack say you couldn't talk?

...

"DAMN IT HARMONY! PAINT THE _WALL_ NOT _ME_!"

 **-Winters Residence - Amy's Room-**

Stepping out of the shower, I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror.

I guess I haven't gained _that_ much weight. Eating all those cookies while Jack was living with Mrs. Bellevu may have been a mistake, but with all the running and magical practice

...

I still feel pudgy. _Harmony_ can't pinch her belly like this.

 **-Winters Residence - Atrium-**

Lounging in the Atrium, I can hear the basement door open, faint music suddenly drifting up along with Jack's rapid footsteps. So glad the previous owners were firm believers in sound proofing. Going down there to takes notes for Jack was disturbing. Fascinating, but disturbing. "But she only comes when she's on top!" What!?

Ah! "Put me down! Jack! Bad! Why are we spinning!?"

Why are you lifting me up and... Oh god, I don't want to go down there. "The therapist said not to see you no more." Wait seriously? You have a therapist? Why are you carrying me into the lab? "She said you're like a disease without any cure." Are you fucking kidding me? She who? Can't we talk about this? "She said I'm so obsessed that I'm becoming a bore, oh no." What!?

...I know this song...

I slap Jack on the side of the head. "Jack... You're singing again aren't you..? We've talked about this. You can't sing! It doesn't even sound like singing."

"But it worked!"

"No. It didn't I thought you'd finally snapped. "

"Oh, Don't be ridiculous!"

" _I'm_ being ridiculous? You just ran into the room, picked me up, spun around a few times and then started carrying me down here into the lab. But _I'm the ridiculous one!?_ "

"But look! See! Subject M4 has both her arms."

"People are supposed to have two arms Jack." Wait M? Wasn't she a vampire? But she's breathing... and has a heartbeat! What the hell are you doing down here?

"Yes! But I have its original right here. See?" Jack waves a detached bloody arm at me like a puppet. As if on cue the song on the speakers changes. "I even still have enough of that stuff you call magic green goop to re-grow another 3 or 4 of them."

...

"I'm going back upstairs Jack. This is too much. I can't do this."

"...What's wrong?"

"I can't watch you describe re-growing the arm of some girl, who I'm sure you've decided is about my height and weight, while listening to Kermit and Fozzy sing about road trips in a Studebaker. Just... No! I'm _Moving Right Along_ back upstairs."

 **-Winters Residence - Kitchen-**

A metal gauntlet crashes down onto the kitchen table, startling me into spilling my soup. Jack! Little warning next time?

"Okay! Ground rules of using the Glove of Myhnegon.

1\. **Never** try to take it off. It won't work. It _will_ hurt though.

2\. **Never** have me remove it while charged. Never Ever. Always drain the batteries **_completely_** first.

3\. **Never** call lightning in a Storm. Just... Ouch.

4\. **Always** confirm, personally, that we have 'that Green Goop', Morphine, and ALL of the nutrition supplements before beginning the removal process.

Do you understand these terms and conditions?"

"For the eighth time now, yes, I understand." Jack, I'm not a moron. I _watched_ you get struck by that bolt of lightning.

"Okay then! Let's go do some target practice." How did he manage to make _that_ sound ominous?

Fuck! He definitely undersold how much this thing stings when it attaches.

 **-Winters Residence - Amy's Room-**

I hear the door slam open down stairs. "Damn it!" So close! I shake my left hand out. Doing this left handed is harder than I expected. But Jack's description of what would happen when I need to take the glove off is _not_ something I want to do more than I need to. I wash my remaining hand an extra time before stepping out of the shower. I really need to learn a privacy spell.

Downstairs I hear Jack shout, "Amy!? Little help please?" Yup. Could have called that one when I heard him slam the door. Oh. Wait. I did. That's why I'm already almost done toweling off. And of course, he somehow sounds both incredibly annoyed and overwhelmingly happy. I swear, only Jack can manage that. I used to wonder if he had ADHD, but now I'm thinking he may just be bipolar. Only instead of manic and depressed, he has violently happy and obsessively driven. He's been channeling both extra heavily ever since he got struck by lightning. At least I know not to use this thing outside in a thunderstorm now though.

Tying my bathrobe around my waist, I head down stairs. Making him wait never helps when he sounds like that. "What did you do now?" I count it as a sad fact of my life these days that I can't even sound surprised that his shirt has blood on it. He spins around and points at his back. Wait. Is that a stake!? "Jack!? What happened?"

"Met Buffy in person tonight. Joyce never mentioned how... enthusiastic... she can be about gift giving."

"Gift giving Jack? Really? You almost died, and you're cracking jokes? She can't have missed your heart by..." Pulling the stake out, I watch as his heart reseals before the gaping hole in his back closes. The hell?

He turns back around, stretches out his arms and smiles that insane smile, "See, I'm fine. Clearly nothing to worry about." I'm still gaping at him as he takes the stake back. "And what a marvelous Christmas gift for Mother this shall be. Did you know that this stake once belonged to the girl Mother butchered to make me my Sister?" That was IN your heart Jack. I'm not sure why any of this surprises me, Jack's always been like this. Using a Cross like a baton, and he seems to have gotten past the whole daylight thing somehow while I was unconscious and I know he wants me to help him blame it on that stupid necklace but that just tells me that isn't it. Now... fuck it, I give up. This is normal now.

"Only you could get staked in the heart, and not only forget to dust, but not even care because you've found a Christmas gift for your Mother." Jack just nods with his usual distracted enthusiasm and bounds off up the stairs 4 or more at a time without taking his eyes off the stake. I give up. It's not worth thinking about. That way lies madness. I'll add it to my list along with the fact that he has a Sister as well. Because Jack mentioning that he has a Brother that really likes railroad spikes isn't worrying enough. And the worst part is it doesn't even bother me enough to justify not continuing my shower. Crazy vampires are just my life now.

When I reach the top of the stairs I run into Jack coming back from his room. His fist is in his mouth and he's groaning. Really? Did you only just now realize that you got staked tonight? Oh of course he didn't. He probably just- "Realized your mother might not appreciate a stake for Christmas?"

"That was a mistake." His voice is suddenly deeper and kind of growly.

I take a step back. He's staring at me funny, eyes roving up and down. His fists are clenching and unclenching spasmodically. "Uh..." Overreaction much?

Jack nods. "Right then. I'm going out. Don't wait up." He heads off down the stairs, glancing back at me and shaking his head a few times. The hell?

"Jack? What's wrong? " This is weird even for Jack.

"Forgot. Slayers Blood. Aphrodisiac. No good will come of staying here with you in that robe." And then the door slams behind him.

"Well at least now I know he thinks I'm pretty." Harmony has somehow gotten even more in shape since Jack started to 'work on her.' Seriously, why hasn't he eaten her yet? At least she still isn't allowed to speak much. Where's a pack of hyena spirit possessed students when you need one? I'd have live food to offer them and everything.

Stupid Harmony and her stupidly toned belly. I poke myself in the stomach. She doesn't- hey wait. Okay, maybe Jack has a point about all those stupid exercises he has me doing while trying to zap the target dummies. But seriously, why the hell do I need to be able to peg a target in the face with a lightning bolt while sprinting laps?

Stupid Vampire and his stupid grin whenever I ask him about it… Stupid Vampire and his stupid weird look he's giving from where he apparently came back in the front door.

"Also, dinner with Joyce tomorrow. And of course I do, but saying that is like saying I think water is wet. I mean duh." Still in that deeper growly voice, and definitely staring at me? Damn it. I pull the damn robe closed again.

And he's gone again. Door slamming behind him. My Crazy Vampire.

I smile. "Definitely feeding Harmony to the hyenas alive. This is all her fault… somehow." I just can't bring myself to hate her for it properly right now. Yeah. That's it. Only temporary.

 **-Summers Residence-**

Mrs. Summers steps to the side in the traditional Sunnydale 'can you enter my home?' test.

Okay Mr. Crazy Vampire, I've been wondering all night how you think you're going to-

Jack steps through the door smooth as can be. "Thanks again for having us over Joyce," he offers her the bottle of wine that he _found_ somewhere.

Well… I think that's the last of the check list. Crosses are just toys to play with when bored to him. Daylight? takes strolls in it all the time. Stakes? Right in the heart! He fucking walked home to make me pull it out like a child with a splinter. And now, thresholds? Didn't even break fucking stride. Oh! Fire. He's always muttering under his breath about not wanting to be on fire. I guess there's that at least.

I fiddle with the sling I've got hiding my right arm. I don't care how awkward it feels, I am not letting Jack 'just chop it off and grow a new one.' I like my arm. I told you I like... Oh goddess! _THATS what he was talking about?_ Damn it!

A loud cry of "YOU!" jolts me back into reality. Lost in my thoughts, I must have made it into the kitchen on autopilot. Buffy is pointing at Jack accusingly. Jack doesn't seem nearly concerned enough about having a Slayer glaring at him. Replaying things in my mind I think I remember Mrs. Summers starting to introduce us?

Why is Jack smiling? "ME!" Oh no. Jack, now is not the time for that game. I look over at Joyce, the only person in the room who seems to share my alarm and confusion.

"You stole Mr. Pointy!"

"... technically you gave... _Mr. Pointy? Really_? to me. In fact, you seemed rather insistent that I have it." Jack, really? You called it Mr. Pointy yourself earlier, why are you pretending to be confused now.

"Buffy? Jack? You two know each other?"

Simultaneously, Jack's calm, "We met last night. Restfield Cemetery wasn't it?"

Competes with Buffy's angry, "Jack!? Mom! He's a demon! Why are you on a first name basis with a demon!?"

Jack manages to sound affronted, "Excuse me, Half-demon!" ... that's even _technically_ true isn't it? Damn it Jack.

Joyce seems rather shocked, "Half demon? Really?"

"Yeah yeah, I seem so normal right? It's okay. I understand. We'll go." Oh, fucking Christ Jack, can't you ham it up playing the sympathy card AFTER we get to eat? I'm hungry damn it!

Groaning, I get two steps following him towards the door before Joyce stops us. "I'm sorry about this you two. Rain check?"

"Mom! No rain checks! He's a demon! I staked him and he _didn't_ die!"

Joyce's shocked cry of "You did what!?" brings about a brief awkward silence.

"Oh. Right, that reminds me." He pulls a stake sized box wrapped in fancy paper with a bow from his jacket pocket. "Amy convinced me that you might like to have this back. Sentimental attachment or something?" I convinced no such thing Jack. All I said was that your Mother might not like it as a gift. Did you seriously lose interest in it that fast?

"Thank you, Amy." Wow Buffy, that's impressive how you can sound all sincere while still glaring at Jack.

Jack and I make it back to the street before he keels over with a case of the giggles. "Really? What could possibly be so funny about not getting to eat dinner?"

"...oh right, you can't still hear Buffy and Joyce trying too hard not to argue right now. I think they're both trying way too hard to avoid the topic of Buffy running away. Joyce is mad that Buffy was rude to that nice boy who got the police to drop the charges. Buffy is grumbling loudly about Ted. Oh this is perfect."

"Nice? _You_?"

"Hey! Of course I am! Far as Joyce knows anyway." Jack starts giggling again. But this time I think it's at the noises my poor empty tummy is making. "Come on Amy, I'll buy you a steak." Yum! Hey! No distracting me with food!

 **-Winters Residence - Combat Training Room-**

I stare up at the ceiling. No amount of weight lost, or flattened stomach, is worth this. I'm done. I've fallen and I don't want to get back up. This seems like a great place to take a nap.

Jack squats down next to me. He peers into my eyes quickly, searchingly, like he always does after training, and then smiles at me. "You alive in there?" I'd worry more, but I've seen how long it takes him to get Harmony to do anything she doesn't want to do.

"Your call is important to me. Please hold." Goddess, I've heard variations of that line too much lately. Maybe I _should_ let Harmony take over phone duty, then maybe she'd find someone else to talk to. I think Jack makes her tell me about her day in excruciating detail for fun.

I glare at Jack as he laughs at me. "Why are we still doing this again?" Ungh... come of Amy, you _know_ better than to ask Jack a question like that.

He just looks at me and smiles. "Because it's important. I'd rather you don't get eaten." Oh. That was surprisingly not terrible. "I'd be rather sad if I lost you tomorrow night." Damn. Spoke too soon. Jack gets up and starts walking away. "Sounds like Harmony is back with coffee if you want some." Okay fine. Maybe we can kill Harmony before we feed her to the hyena spirits. I crawl to my knees and force my way towards the kitchen for some caffeinated goodness.

I'm two sips into my coffee when I remember school starts tomorrow... Damn.

 **-Sunnydale High Courtyard-**

Standing outside Sunnydale High, Jack seems far too chipper. Can he really not feel that? Oh right, Vampire. He probably thinks it feels lovely.

Jack throws his arm around me and points at Harmony. "Awww, they grow up so damn fast. It seems like it's only been a month since I found her and here we are, watching her march off to her senior year of high school." And best of all marching off away from me!

"I still don't get it. How can you call your work done? She's exactly like she use to be! How is that fixed?"

"Oh she's not even a little bit the same. Not where it counts. When I found her she was an overly talkative nervous wreck seeking approval from the masses and trying to fit in. Now? Now she's an overly talkative girl who doesn't give a shit what anyone else thinks about her. Want to see some fireworks? Wait until she runs into Cordelia."

"You mean… are you telling me… that I put up with Harmony for a month so you could make her be a more confident bitch to people?"

"Gods no, you put up with her for a month so that I could instill deep-seated need for _our_ approval. She just won't care what _other_ people think about it. Between that and her love of gossip she'll report in anytime she hears anything worth mentioning. Her reports are so much easier to deal with than talking to the masses directly. I've given her direction in life, a purpose, a reason for being." He sighs, "Well, I'm off to check in at the office, being the new guy and all." Suddenly I'm alone at the door into the school.

 **-Sunnydale High Hallways-**

First day of classes. First period hasn't even started yet. Jack's been out of sight for maybe a minute. I'm surrounded by Scoobies. Joy.

"Can I help you people?" Yes, I'm channeling Jack, and from the look on Willow's face she knows it. I smile at her, "Is there something on my face?"

"What _is_ Jack?" Oh, we're playing _that_ game again?

I open my mouth to speak but Harmony's voice cuts me off, "Hi Amy! …Willow? Seriously? That shirt? with _your hair?_ "

Hi Amy!? She's talking like… we're… oh. I get it. Jack trained me a guard dog. How... sweet?

While Harmony and the Cordettes pick the dumbest fight possible with Willow and the scoobs, I sneak away to Math class. Maybe we can keep Harmony after all, watching her go toe to toe with Cordelia _is_ pretty funny.

 **-Sunnydale Cemeteries-**

"Why are we in a cemetery at night?" I could ask, or "Why did you bring an axe instead of just the wrist mounted sword thing?" or maybe even "should I be concerned that you mentioned losing me and now we're in a cemetery?" but oh no, I know better. Instead I ask, "How much longer do we have to stand here?"

"Not much, we're almost to the running and fighting part of tonight's live fire exercise." Oh good, we're almost-

"LIVE FIRE EXERCISE!? Please tell me that doesn't mean what I think it does."

"Well... traditionally it implies people shooting lethal munitions at you... so I suppose it doesn't mean what you're expecting. And... 3... 2... 1... SHOWTIME!" Jack pockets that girly watch he says is a souvenir from his first. I'm never sure if he's referring to sex or murder. Or both. It could be both... that should bother me right? I think it used to bother me.

"I'd ask what show it's time for but the zombies crawling out of the ground pretty much has that covered."

"I can agree with that." Oh of course you can.

"So we're clear; You knew this was going to happen?"

"Yeah... Joyce showed me the demon mask that's animating them yesterday. Nigerian apparently. I guess they have more than just fake cash strapped princes to export." I'm not even going to touch that one.

"…So… if you knew that tonight would be the night of the living dead..? Then why are we in the middle of the largest graveyard in town!?"

"Live. Fire. Exercise. Think of them as moving target dummies. Lots of moving target dummies." Jack grins and smashes in the face of one of the zombies that got too close. Oh right, this is fun for you isn't it.

...fucking insane vampires _. "Tar frim!"_ Oh great. They explode! That's _sooo_ gross. _"_ _Tar frim!"_ Okay... kind of fun as long as they stay over there.

Jack, I think I hate you. " _Tar frim!"_ This is why you always make me do this while running isn't it?

 _"_ _Tar frim!"_ I can't believe it, but I think this might be kinda fun. MUAHAHAHA ZAP!

"Really Amy?"

"What? You can cackle like a madman but I can't?"

"No, you're just doing it wrong. Ivy sounds nothing like that." Oh for fucks sake.

"Jack! We've talked about this. _Tar frim!_ You are _not_ the Joker. I am _not_ Poison Ivy. _Tar frim!_ And wouldn't I be Harley anyway? Hello! Blonde! Not a redhead."

"Harley!? Says the girl who can't lift the hammer." Seriously!? That's what you care about?

 **-Sunnydale High Library-**

"So… I told you they were asking questions about you.. and your grand plan is to invade their not so secret headquarters?"

"Yup. That's where they keep the answers after all."

"Should I have brought the popcorn?"

"Probably," Jack shoves the library doors open and strolls in, "Excuse me, Mr. Giles? Can I talk to you?" He waves at the Scoobies, clustered around a book laden table. Buffy and Willow glare at him, but Xander waves back before glancing at Buffy and schooling his expression into a scowl.

"Uh. Yes. Quite. I am here for _all_ of the students of Sunnydale High after all."

Jack lowers his voice, "Cool… but… I uh… meant like as a Watcher." He's doing that scratching the back of his head thing too, this can't be good. "I was… uh… kind of hoping you might help me figure out what my dad might have been?"

...

Son of a bitch. He just sounds so earnest. Even knowing he's lying through his teeth- 'might have been my ass'- I feel a little awkward right now. Buffy and Oz over at the table clearly heard his whispering voice too. They're giving each other _looks_. I bet he did that on purpose too.

Mr. Giles starts polishing his glasses while stammering out his agreement. "Yes, we were actually engaged in just that endeavor now. If you'd be willing to answer some questions it could be of considerable help."

"Well, what would you like to know?"

I really should have brought that popcorn.

 **-Sunnydale Warehouse District-**

"Broad daylight? You think broad daylight is the best time to hunt down a group of vamps that annoyed you?"

"Of course! They can't escape into the night if it isn't night." He reaches into the back of the truck and pulls out a grenade from the box.

You know, somehow, seeing _Jack of all people_ holding a grenade is a completely different proposition than talking to some guy on the phone to set up a meeting so Jack can buy one. I really hope this Emil guy gave him the safety manu- Oh who am I kidding, it's not like Jack would read it.

"Okay. Are you ready?" Well I was, but now that you're being careful I'm thinking I should be terrified right now. Especially since you brought a shotgun I didn't even know you had and that ridiculous hammer of yours. What could we possibly be doing that would need that? You said they were a crew of vamps. I nod anyway. "Okay then, Live Fire Exercise number 2. Remember, you're on taser duty for the big dude and the black guy…" Jack trails off, looking at me with an odd expression before smiling, "What's rule 1 Amy?"

"Don't die." Like I need to be told that.

"Good Girl. 3… 2… 1…" the grenade sails through the warehouse window and explodes. Jack's out from behind the truck before the debris even settles, moving at that insane speed he hits when he's enjoying himself in a fight. Already? Really? We haven't even started yet.

The door, already weakened by the explosion crumples inward when Jack hits it like he thinks he's a SWAT team member on TV.

The roar of that shotgun isn't so bad.

...

My hearing is shot to hell isn't it? Great. Well, at least Jack's magic green goop can fix whatever happens. Even if it is disgusting. I chase Jack into the warehouse.

Okay, zombies and vampires are _not the same_. These guys are trying to dodge around as I taze them. Big dude? What big- Oh! Black Guy! " _Tar frim!"_

Why are there so many of them crowded on my side-

Jack's shotgun barks again and… so THAT's why he was so excited about dragons breath shells.

...

HAHAHAHAHA now I know why Jack seems so obsessively hellbent on not being lit on fire.

 _"_ _Tar frim!"_ Where is… shit-

Jack goes sailing through the air across my vision, followed by a large… what the hell is wrong with his hands and face? Hey! That's my vampire you're punching! _"_ _Tar frim!"_

 _…_ _well shit._ Why isn't he on the ground twitching? He looks annoyed. _"_ _Tar frim!"_ My legs have me backpedaling before I even properly realize the big deformed vampire thing is staggering towards me. Staggering? _"_ _Tar frim!"_

YES! He's down! _"_ _Tar frim!_ And stay down Ugly. _"_ Oh, I heard myself talk that time!" Ears are still ringing though. Ah!- I drop to the ground. Who just threw a chair at me? Oh, the black guy! _"_ _Tar frim!" ..._ I feel like a racist. I should have asked Jack for names. ... Why is it that calling him the black guy is what bothers me about all this?

To my side Jack has finally picked himself and… Gross! He lost an arm? That looks like it hurts. Doesn't seem to be stopping him from setting bout staking fledges with his offhand though.

Is his arm just re-growing on the spot? But he didn't even use the green goop… what the hell?

… Okay that is just disgusting.

"Jack, just stake him already." Jack looks up from where he's breaking off each off the big guy's legs with his hammer while spewing obscenities. He shakes his head, "What do you mean no?"

"You can stake others. This guy… we're keeping, we're going to send him to the _special hell_." Oh. Ewww.

"Really Jack? Why can't we just stake him and go home?"

"He tried to rape my Sister." Oh. Well okay then.

 _"_ _Tar frim!"_... I guess enjoying the way that thing spasmed in pain is normal now too? Jack loads his 'prize' into a body bag from the truck while I stake the remaining vampire on the ground. Ick. Magic Green Goop or no, I do not want to get hit by a ...frag? grenade.

 **-Winters Residence - Atrium-**

Jack comes up out of the lab and grins at me, holding up a box. "Ready to go?"

"Are you serious!? You told me to get dressed up. You said this was important. But you're going to wear the bloodstained shirt from earlier tonight? No. Shower. Change. Go!"

Jack looks down at his clothes as if noticing them for the first time. He checks his watch, "...fine..."

"Oh don't give me that tone. You can't go to the Bronze looking like you just committed murder." Especially not when it might be true! "And don't stick your tongue out at me! You know I'm right."

"You're hungry again aren't you?"

"Shut up!" Maybe I am. So what. That doesn't make me any less right.

A quick shower and a few minutes later Jack is back, buttoning up a new shirt. He hands me a cookie. I glare at him while I eat it. Dieting around Jack is impossible.

 **-The Bronze-**

Jack stops dead in the doorway of The Bronze. I just barely avoid walking straight into him. If I hadn't been so close I don't think I'd have heard him just barely whisper, "...fucking perfect." What's wrong- No, not wrong, he's using that deeper voice I've only ever heard when he was high on Buffy's blood that one time. Uh...

Following his gaze I see a new girl sitting with the scoobs. Some Goth chick with dark shoulder length hair, black tank top and leather pants. Of course she's pretty. Why wouldn't she be? "Focus Jack. You said we were meeting your... Sister?"

"Yup. Let's go say hello!" He looks over at the band, "... think you could toss up that privacy spell you mentioned in this?" He gestures around the noisy club... and he's off, headed straight for New Girl. _That's his Sister!?_ Can't Buffy sense vampires? Ones who aren't freaks of science like Jack I mean? Or... Goddess... is his entire family just naturally like that? _That_ is a horrifying thought. I follow along behind him, starting the chant. Without the sage this isn't going to work nearly as well or long. I hope Jack realizes that.

Jack doesn't seem concerned as he plops down next to the new girl, sliding the box onto the table. "Hiya Faithy! I gotcha a present!" Wow. How much extra Boston accent did you just ladle onto that sentence?

New girl's head whips around as Jack sits down. She glances at the box and then looks at him with a mix of confusion and a touch of fear. Something is clearly wrong. Oz looks freaked too. He reaches out and takes the top off of the box. He and Willow peer in and their faces go pale. Jack doesn't seem to see any of this, still smiling at the New Girl. Faithy I think he called her? Faith maybe?

Willow stutters out, "Is that... a... human heart?"

The scoobs start to look violently upset. Faith explodes, clearly bothered by Jack's continued smiles, or maybe it's the heart. Would a human heart bother a vampire girl? "Dude! What the fuck!?"

Jack just nods happily, "Yup. I cut it out of this bastard named _Kakistos_. And that platter is real silver too." He says that kakistos word like it's important, still staring at Faith. That means 'worst' in Greek... I think? I think he's trying to look encouraging?

"What the hell is wrong with you!?" I think the Scoobs all managed to sync up for that one. Everyone looks a touch confused now. Except for Faith... She's staring wide eyed at Jack, looking shell-shocked.

That finally gets his attention, Jack's head whipping around to glare at them. "You try finding out that you have a sister you never knew about." He points at Faith, "And at the same time finding out that she's been chased across the country by a vampire older than fucking dirt who wants to try and rape her to death! I think my response was _ENTIRELY_ appropriate!" Wow. Even I have to double check to make sure his fangs aren't out for that last part.

Jack's so focused on the scoobs for that short couple of seconds that he misses Faith's arms reaching out to grab his head.

A/N2 - For reference, the last scene is meant to take place near the beginning of Faith Hope and Trick.  
For anyone confused by Jack calling Faith his sister... Remember that he said Dru made her when she killed Kendra.


	25. Interlude 5B – The Other Side of a Coin

A/N - I've been porting over a number of chapters recently. If the traffic view thing I just found works how I think... some people may have missed a chapter or two by skipping to the most recent. Not sure?

 **Interlude 5B – The Other Side of a Coin:  
**  
*** Xander POV ***

 **-Sunnydale Cemeteries-**

Well this sucks. I struggle to get loose, but the _vampire_ has me in a pretty good headlock and I can't seem to-

"Excuse me! …Hi… Sorry to interrupt." Jack? Oh no, please interrupt. Interruptions would be of the good right… She let go! I back away and look up to see everyone's stopped fighting and turned to stare at Jack.

Jack… is staring at me with a look of disappointment? No, not at me, at the vampire that had me in a headlock. Huh, that's- Where did he get that sword to cut her head off with?

Suddenly we're figh- … oh, are we not fighting again? Oz dusted that vamp nearest us and the only remaining vamp is currently trying to both fend Jack off with a knife and run away. I think I'm okay with that.

Is Jack laughing? He kinda sounds like the cartoon version of the Joker almost… "Okay, is it just me or does anyone else find that laugh incredibly disturbing?"

Wills nods franticly in agreement while staring wide eyed at our… uh… newest possible member of team slay?

Oz looks thoughtful, "It's more of a cackle really." Oh yeah… It is isn't it.

We've all just agreed that it's a cackle rather than a laugh when Jack dusts the remaining vamp while mumbling something derisively about knives and spins around to face us. He gestures at me with the sword, which would be alarming, if I hadn't seen him do that a lot with whatever was at hand all the time back when Wills thought Amy might need saving. My favorite was when used the box of Twinkies to bullet point while he described… uh... actually I can't remember what we were talking about. I got to eat the Twinkies though, that was the important part. I kinda miss the cookies that friend of Jack's grandmother made for us too.

"Fuck you Charlie Brown. No comments from the Peanuts Gallery." Oh haha very _punny_.

Is that Buffy!? It is Buffy! ... Buffy No!

...

Oh phew, Jack's okay. Buffy must not have actually staked-

Hey! Not cool Jack! Punching the Buffster is definitely of the bad. Also usually ends badly for the… Is that a stake in his back?

"Gods Buffy! Rude Much!?" Jack knows Buffy? "You can't just walk up to people and shove things into them. You have to at least buy me dinner first!" Also he seems oddly okay for a guy who has a stake sticking out of his back.

Now he's glaring at us? Hey what did we do!? Why are you glaring at us now Mr. I can make swords appear out of nowhere? "You know what!? Fuck you all very much! Christ on a cracker, see if I ever try to help you buggerfucking hunters again!" Okay. Maybe he's not so cool with the accidental stake-age... not sure I can really blame him for that.

Jack stalks off, still ranting, "If it's not wolf boy trying to sniff me, or Willow angling for a one-more-some, it's Stabberific Barbie and her amazing pegging fetish! Well at least Willow must be happy, she finally found the final member for that foursome she's always wanted!" Okay. Rude. But he did just get staked in the back... and then walked away from it perfectly fine?

"Don't worry about Jerk, Buffy, he's always saying angry things like that." Uhh, Wills? "I'm sure he'll get over you almost staking him soon enough." Oh. She didn't see..?

I lean over and whisper, "Uhh… Wills… I don't think she _almost_ staked him. There was a stake in his back."

"Mr. Pointy!" And Buffy's off at a run, chasing after Jack.

Willow looks over at me wide eyed. "But… He seemed fine. Angry maybe? But totally fine! He even made one of those jokes he loves to make about… uh… what's pegging?"

I look at Oz and a nonverbal agreement is reached. If Jack's the one mentioning something about... probably about sex... we want no part in it. At all.

"So! Oz. Tracking of the Jack and Buffy show? That would be of the good, right?"

"Right." We head off to follow them. Hooray Buffy's back!

 **-Giles' Flat-**

I conclude my recounting of tonights exciting events for Giles benefit, "and that's where we lost him G-man. Oz could smell his trail in the alley Buffy saw him disappear into, but it ended at a wall."

"Extraordinary. You said this boy is some manner of half-demon? … Though I suppose the most mundane answer is that he climbed up one of the walls."

"Oh! That… would make more sense than a teleporting demon walking halfway across town." Willow agrees unhappily, she seemed to like that theory for some reason. Not that I blame her I suppose, knowing a guy like Nightcrawler could be cool.

Buffy, and even more especially Giles, seem to appreciate the distraction that Jack's lack of reaction to stake-age offers. I can get that. Even after he took so long to go get his tea, Giles still gets that look on his face when he sees Buffy is back! and alive! That look I probably have when I look over at her. It's good to have everyone back together again.

Talking about her summer meant reminding everyone she was gone. Of course we all leapt at the opportunity to discuss something else.

But why are Wills and Buffy so upset about him? He saved us from those _vampires_ right? I think he did? I mean sure he's all with the inappropriateness and the bad jokes, but I wouldn't go so far as to call him the _anti-Xander._

 _"_ _Guys?_ Are you sure we aren't worrying about this a bit much? It's not like he's a _vampire_. And it's summer. Nothing of the evil world ending variety happens in summer. This one is even quieter than usual… well except for running into three vamps all at once tonight."

"He's a Demon! and! and! okay. Maybe he's not _evil_ , but... but I still don't like being called a Hooker."

" _He called you a hooker!?"_ Did we not tell you about that? Oh jeez...

"Okay, so here's how we first met Jack…" I begin my second distracting tale of the night.

 **-Summers Residence-**

When we arrive to start patrol I hear muffled yelling inside Buffy's house.

Knocking, Buffy answers the door looking annoyed. "Mom! Xander's here, we're going slaying … I love you too mom! I'll be home in a few hours." Buffy closes the door as Mrs. Summers repeats her goodbyes. Weird.

"Hey Buffs, what's wrong?"

"Apparently my mom knows Jack. As in she invited him and Amy over for dinner tonight. He was _flirting with my mother._ He must be evil. Did she learn _nothing_ from Ted? And now mom's mad at me because somehow _I_ made it awkward."

"Buffy… your mother is a… lovely… woman." Okay. Glaring Buffy. Shutting up now.

"Where's Cordelia anyway? I thought you said she'd be joining us tonight."

"Apparently Harmony wanted to catch up on gossip."

"…The same Harmony that called her a traitor for dating someone as ' _lame_ ' as you?"

"The one and only. Cordelia thinks she's up to something and wants to know what, so… keep your friends close and your uhhh… mutinous former head minions closer?" I hold open the door to the van for Buffy.

"Okay… that makes sense in a Cordelia sort of way. Willow! Did you know Jack knew my Mother?"

"He does!?"

"Apparently he's a _very important client_ _of the gallery_. I bet he's the one that gave my Mom that stupid mask. I mean really, who makes a mask that says 'I want this room to suffer'? Oh. And! He gave me back Mr. Pointy tonight." She doesn't sound happy about that... Shouldn't she sound happy about that?

"Isn't that a good thing?" Apparently Wills agrees with me.

"He packed it in a box full of…"

"Sorry, I didn't quite catch that?" Buffy doesn't usually mumble like that.

"They're the drugs they made me take when mom... had me... institutionalized."

"… Okay that's definitely of the bad." You were institutionalized? Dick move Jack.

"Ouch." Ouch is right Oz. Ouch is right.

"Oh... it gets worse!" It gets worse than _that?_

 **-Sunnydale High - Hallways-**

"Guys, look. There's Amy right there. She's friends with Jack, why don't we just go ask _her_ to talk to Jack about his inappropriate medication jokes?"

"Oh! Good idea Xander… oh no… her arm _is_ in a sling like you thought Buffy."

"Guys, that doesn't mean Jack broke her arm. Let's just be calm okay? I mean she's friend's with him, she probably won't react well to-"

Amy turns around and sees us all approaching her. "Can I help you people?" She looks… resigned? Okay maybe we shouldn't have _all_ come to ask her. "Is there something on my face?"

"What _is_ Jack?" Wills, I know you're just over excited about the idea of research, but I don't think she gets- Damn it, we were supposed to ask about how he knew about Buffy's time in the psych ward not start a fight over his parentage. Okay. We can fix-

"Hi Amy!" See! There's the warm friendly tone I was going- Wait, is that Harmony? "Willow? Seriously? That shirt? With _your_ hair?" Okay, that is just uncalled for.

Damn it Harmony! I was trying to have a… where'd Amy go?

 **-Sunnydale High - Classroom-**

I sit down next to Amy in English Class. She looks over at me, "Oh… _now_ what..?"

"Hey. Sorry about earlier. Buffy thought that Jack had maybe broken your arm. So we were all worried about you, and we probably shouldn't have crowded around you all at once. And then Willow tends to get really excited about research and we were talking about what kind of half demon he might be and… yeah… just, sorry."

"Are you people serious? You thought he broke my arm? Why would you think that? What has Jack ever done to you people?"

"To me? Nothing. I get that. I think Buffy is still upset about the meds though."

"What meds?"

"He gave Mr. Pointy back to Buffy in a box full of… some… medication… she used to need to take." Amy's oddly alarmed look dissolves into giggles. "It's not funny! She really doesn't like reminders of… that… time of her life"

"I- I'm sorry… but I watched Jack fill the box. He chose that particular medication via Eeny Meeny Minee Moe at the pharmacy. He just wanted to tell her she needs to relax, the next guy she stabs at random might not be able to just shrug it off."

"… oh. Talk about bad luck. I'll let Buffy know-"

"Please don't. It won't matter. I'm sure once Jack finds out he'll swear til he's blue in the face that he meant to do it all along. He's like that, he likes to pretend he's all knowing and stuff even when he really shouldn't."

"So letting Buffy know won't help because he'd just say I was wrong anyway. Damn. You know they're probably going to hate each other by the end of… well yesterday really."

"I wouldn't worry about it. I think Jack finds this whole situation hilarious. You do realize he wasn't even mad when he got home that night Buffy stabbed him in the back? He just whined at me until I took it out like he was a two year old with a splinter."

"Wow… you don't happen to know… you know?"

"…I've never felt the need to ask him what he is." Amy's expression clearly indicates she thinks I shouldn't feel that need either, but I know Buffy won't let it go. "Class is starting. We should probably at least _pretend_ to pay attention." Right. Class. With the learn-age and stuff.

 **-Sunnydale High - Hallways-**

My walk down the hallway between classes is interrupted by a call of, "Hey! You!" Oh crap. Larry- "New Guy!"...isn't talking to me..? I should probably go distract him from whichever victim he's chos-

"Oh, _please_ be talking to me!" ... Jack will probably be fine. No need to get involved... maybe stay and watch though?

...uh... Did he just crush Larry's hand? I'm not sure how to feel about that... I mean on the one hand Larry is always- Okay, no Larry is shaking it out. Not actually broken.

...

Wow. Principal Snyder looks really mad. I think I'm going to go to class now. I'll ask Jack about in History tomorrow. Yeah

 **-Sunnydale High - Library-**

…must stay awake. I yawn. Being up late fighting zombies and then waking up early before school the next day to stare at books full of demon lore… takes a lot out of you. Why do we care so much about Jack's parentage again? He kills _vampires._ Isn't that a good thing?

The library doors swing open and Jack steps in with Amy. Awesome. No more books. We can just _ask_ him. I look over at Buff and Wills. Okay, Oz or I can ask him.

Jack waves over at our table, "Excuse me, Mr. Giles? Can I talk to you?" Huh, he sounds nervous. I wave back at him encouragingly before noticing Buffy and Willow glaring at me. Fine. It's not like they'd believe he didn't know what he was doing anyway.

"Uh. Yes. Quite. I am here for _all_ of the students of Sunnydale High after all." Giles heads over to his desk and has a hushed conversation with Jack. Both of them look uncomfortable with whatever they're talking about. It's actually really weird seeing Jack like that, he's usually just so overwhelmingly happy. Even while fighting those _vampires_ he looked happy.

I can't quite make out what they're saying but Buffy and Oz seem to be following along, they look at each other. " _He_ _doesn't know_?" Doesn't know wha- oh. No wonder why he gets so weird about it.

Giles speaks up, "Yes, we were actually engaged in just that endeavor now. If you'd be willing to answer some questions it could be of considerable help."

Jack looks… resigned? "What would you like to know?" He sags into the chairs across from us and rests his head on the table. "I've been looking through what books I could find since I realized I was… _different._ Nothing quite seems to fit."

Amy pulls a chair over and sits next to Jack, patting him on the back with her good arm.

Giles, polishing his glasses, sits back down in his seat and looks thoughtful. "I suppose we ought to start with the basics. Did your mother ever talk about him? Any kind of description at all."

"Oh, uh… I've never actually… spoken… to my mother. She kind of… she… uh… she left shortly after I was born. Um, but I've talked to people who met her! Of course they all thought she was crazy. Granted… she was talking about aliens and stars and stuff a lot apparently… So maybe they had a point? Err... There aren't aliens too right? Just demons? Should I have gone to Roswell instead of Sunnydale?" Oh boy! I just love an awkward conversation before first period. When's that bell gonna ring?

Wills looks horrified, and even the Buffster seems... differently upset? Is that a thing? Umm... what do you even say to that? Wait... _are_ there aliens? That'd be so cool!

"Not as such, no. Although there was some debate recently on whether other dimensions were possibly other planets, so the distinction may be rather impossible to prove until we find a way to visit the stars." Thank god for Giles and his Britishy ability to press forward in the face of awkward. Stiff upper lip. Pip Pip Cheerios! Why are they such fans of that cereal? "Hmmm... have you perhaps noticed any unusually colored skin? Odd hornlike growths? Anything of that sort?"

"... I haven't noticed any skin tones as done by Crayola, or any horns... anywhere..." Jack pauses, looking slightly confused, before he turns from Giles to address Buffy and Willow finally returning to his usual grinning self. "And I haven't got a forked tongue or pointy tail either see?" He sticks his tongue out at them. "But I do seem to heal really well, which is apparently super useful in this town full of violent... _monsters_."

...And there's that bell. Gotta get going to class.

"So, same time next week?" Next week?

"Why not this afternoon or tomorrow?" Yeah, that.

"Can't. I have a shift at the hospital tonight and homework and stuff. But I can probably continue to do Wednesday mornings." Jack strolls out library chatting with Amy about an upcoming Math test. Wow. So glad I'm not in AP Calc. Tests on the first week?

"...They let that guy work in a hospital!?" Oh come on Buff, he's not _that_ bad.

 **-The Bronze-**

"So it was about a hundred and eighteen degrees, I'm sleepin' without a stitch on, suddenly I hear all this screamin'. I go tearin' outside - stark nude - this church bus has broke down and three vamps are feasting on half the Baptists in South Boston. So I waste the vamps and the preacher is hugging me like there's no tomorrow when the cops pull up. They arrested us both."

"They should film that story and show it every Christmas." Such a lovely image. Naked Faith, standing there all... Naked.

Faith, talking around a muffin, "God, I could eat a horse!" She turns to Buffy. "Isn't it crazy? Slayin' always makes you just hungry and horny." Really now? This I gotta hear.

"Well... sometimes I crave a non-fat yogurt afterwards..." Okay. Buffster looks super uncomfortable maybe I should-

"I get it." Really Cordelia? Do tell! "Not the horny thing, yuck!" Damn, crush my dreams why don't you. "The two slayer thing: there was only one, but then Buffy died for like two minutes so Kendra was called, then Kendra died so Faith was called." Oh... yeah... that makes sense. Hey is that Jack? He's looking incredibly happy. Maybe he and Buffy can get along this time?

"But why were you called here?" Huh, that's a good question Wills. I wonder-

Jack plops himself down next to Faith, "Hiya Faithy! I gotcha a present!" Okay, wow, Jack really does seem to know everybody. Buff's Mom, Giles, now Faith. Actually, now I know why Faith's accent sounds so familiar, it sounds like Jack's dialed up to 11. And he got her a present? Errr... Faith is looking kinda freaked right now. That's odd, presents are a good thing right? And she seemed so cool and collected all night, even while slaying that vamp.

Actually... Oz looks pretty wigginsed too... Is he sniffing the box? What the hell? Something's definitely wrong.

Willow peeks in the box when Oz opens it. Kind of rude to open Faith's present... "Is that... a... human heart?" Oh. Shit. What the fuck dude!?

Faith seems to agree with me, "Dude! What the fuck!?" This is not okay!

Jack just nods happily, which is even more not okay. Human hearts are _not_ ahappy occasion Jack! "Yup. I cut it out of this bastard named _Kakistos_. And that platter is real silver too." What the hell is a Kakistos? Why did Jack sound so angry when he said it? Faith is staring at Jack wide-eyed. It looks like she recognized that Kakistos thing. Sounds like some kind of demon? Or maybe a Mexican food?

I go to ask, but get drowned out by Wills and Buff's, "What the hell is wrong with you!?" I think Oz said something in there too?

Jack's head whips around to glare at us. I'm not sure I've ever seen him actually look angry like that before, it's kinda terrifying. "You try finding out that you have a sister you never knew about." Faith's his sister!? That actually explains a lot. "And at the same time finding out that she's been chased across the country by a vampire older than fucking dirt who wants to try and rape her to death! I think my response was _ENTIRELY_ appropriate!"

Oh. That's a _vampire's_ heart? I guess that's...no, not _okay_... but less of the bad? Still super creepy. Though... I suppose I'd react badly to some vamp trying to do that to one of my girls.

Faith suddenly has Jack by the sides of his head. Forcing his head back around they stare at each other. "He's dead. You're _sure!?_ " She sounds really freaked. Her eyes are open wide, unblinking, as they start roving around Jack's face like she's looking for something.

Jack looks a bit nervous with Faith's hands on his head like that. Then again, Buff's pretty strong, if Faith squeezes by accident... "Uh. I thought... you might wanna handle that honor personally... see it with your own eyes kinda thing? I... uh... left him trussed up in the basement for you." It sounds like Faith's starting to hyperventilate a bit.

"What if he escapes!?" she's definitely hyperventilating. She's eyeing the exits.

"How? With no arms or legs that'd be ... pretty fucking impressive." Jack sounds confused then thoughtful. Why is Faith scared of a limbless... oh. That look on Jack's face when he talked about this Kakistos guy... I get the feeling his heart isn't all that Jack removed. Suddenly Jack seems a lot less of the harmless.

Faith's breathing steadies. "Show me." She growls out. Jack is yanked out of his seat and being dragged towards the basement door.

"Uh... Faith. Not this place's basement, the one back at the house. That way, we can drive there." Jack points towards the parking lot.

Faith stops and does the wide eyed searching stare again. She points to Buffy, "Okay, but they're coming." We are? Apparently we are! Buffy and Willow are already on their feet nodding.

I can't imagine Jack wanting Buffy in his house given how much they've been fighting lately, but he doesn't even pause to blink. "Whatever it takes to make you feel safe Faithy. Just name it." And there's that warm smile he usually wears. A smile that I can't quite seem to reconcile right now with a boxed _heart_ sitting on the table.

A/N2 Underlined parts are taken directly from season 3, episode 3 – "Faith, Hope, and Trick" and should thus be credited to Joss Whedon, James A. Contner, David Greenwalt, and any other writers not credited in the wiki that helped with it.


	26. Part 19 - Just Gotta Have Faith

A/N - I've been porting over a number of chapters recently. If the traffic view thing I just found works how I think... some people may have missed a chapter or two by skipping to the most recent. Not sure? Parts 13, 17, and Interludes 1 and 4 seem to have had significantly less readers than the ones after them? strange.

 **Part 19 - Just Gotta Have Faith:**

-Sunnydale Memorial Hospital-

I fiddle with the hospital Employee ID Badge affixed to my scrubs. I'm not really sure why they make psych people wear scrubs now that I think about it. Then again, I'm a high school student interning in a hospital and they're letting me talk to patients. Clearly this hospital has _issues._ Yay Sunnydale!

In fairness to the lunatics running the asylum, I'm sure they think they're studying me rather than employing me. But really, giving me my very own Arkham? I chuckle as I badge through the second of the airlock style pair of doors and head over to meet Dr. Walsh. Jim, not his psycho wife.

"So, who's on the docket today?"

"Well, I was thinking I might have you talk to Sandra while I observed. We couldn't really catch what you were doing on the tapes, you and Sandra apparently must have stood in some the blind spot between cameras." Aha! See? Studying me.

"Sounds great!" Time to practice my wiring skills while holding a natural looking conversation… That actually sounds like a fantastically useful talent to have.

I open the door to her room and step in slowly, "Good Morning Sandra. How are we today?" Wait. Did he just say Sandra wasn't on the tapes either? I wonder if they keep the recordings going back that far?

 **-Winters Residence - Lab-**

 **Ring Sciences - September 2nd - Additional Regenerative testing.**

· As first indicated by earlier brain trauma studies, vampire bodily organs do not all seem to serve in their traditional human roles.  
· Removing the stomach, or pieces required for blood to reach the same, does prevent digestion of blood despite not having any identifiable activity occurring there.  
· Removing the intestines causes no such issue. Perhaps the stomach merely serves as temporary storage while the blood is assimilated into the blood demon?  
· Removing the Heart induces dusting. This is despite my memories of a heart removal ritual for temporary invulnerability... further research to follow.  
· Excepting the heart, all organs removed during testing were successfully regenerated via use of the ring.

Hmmm... The heart thing seems to be a big deal mystically. Maybe those scalpels weren't standard steel? Amy did say silver was popular for magical purposes... I wonder...

Remove ring from subject.

Crack chest. Hmm, I'm getting better at this.

Wiggle past the lungs... Cut the Aorta... Cut... or is this one the Aorta? Oh who cares. Last one. Oh. Wow. Look at that, the chest cavity sealed up real fast. And the subject is awake. "Hello there. Want to see your heart? I've got it right here." No one ever seems to appreciate just how fantastic these discoveries are.

...

"Well I guess I'm stuck down here with you for 6 hours." Might as well put on some music and see if I can find a way to kill an invulnerable vampire. Staking you in the heart won't work obviously.

...

I glance down at the heart in my hand. No... would it?

It doesn't. Fire maybe?

 **-Sunnydale High - Hallways-**

"Hey! You!" yells a familiar sounding voice behind me. I think that sounds like Larry. "New Guy!" Me? Pre-Xander-chat Larry wants to try and bully _me?_

I turn around and find a group of jocks, staring at me dumbly. Thats it. They don't even look properly angry, more… amused maybe? Oh! I bet that means its my line now…

"Oh, _please_ be talking to me!" I smile at them. Hmmm… they seem to think I've deviated from the script. How sad for them. Larry takes a step towards me and swings his fist at my shoulder.

I catch his fist in my hand and hold it. This is the bully that terrorizes the school currently? _Really!_? A town _full_ of monsters and _this_ is the best the school has to offer? Larry tries to pull his fist back. I squeeze down on it. "Ah-Ah. Mine now. You gave it to me."

Larry makes a hilarious face as he tries not to cry. I can feel his bones starting to bend in my grip. Hmmm… then again, doesn't Amy like this guy for some odd reason? I pause, holding Larry's fist at just under snapping pressure… I suppose I should make sure Amy isn't friends with you before I break anything important. This is an important week for us, I'd rather Amy not be distracted or pissy. "…oh _fine!_ You can have it back." I let go, Larry's suddenly un-resisted struggles to escape causing him to go sprawling backwards into his team mates.

I'd make a speech about lessons learned, but I spot a troll heading towards us. "Hey there Principal Snyder! It's good to finally meet you." Snyder's angry snarl halts just before it can escape. Apparently I'm off script again? "Aren't we supposed to talk in your office? You know… new student welcome speech or something?" Hmmm… my audience for the earlier show seems to find Snyder's confused angry troll routine as boring as I do, this place emptied out fast.

Anger wins out. "Now you see here! I will not have any more hooliganism in my school! I should have known you'd be a delinquent when I saw you talking with that Summers girl." I reach out to his mind and- Huh, I'll be damned. It feels kinda like that Brachen Demon's… Maybe he really is part troll? Ah well, plan B it is.

"Buffy Summers? A delinquent? Thank gods! I thought I was the only one in this town that noticed! Do you know that the day we met she _assaulted me!?"_ Or is stabbing technically skipping directly to battery? Hmmm... probably not important."And Joyce is such a lovely woman to work with too. I guess it just goes to show that sometimes they just fall in with a bad crowd. Sad really. Say... Have you considered..."

Dragging Principal Snyder along with me to my next class making idle chit chat about Buffy's various transgressions I almost manage to feel bad about it when I have to burst his bubble and tell him that the assault happened off school grounds. He looked like I had just stolen all his bars of gold-pressed latinum. Ah well. Omelets.

My classmates expressions seem to express concern for my sanity when I wave good bye to Snyder cheerfully before stepping into the woodworking shop. How strange…

 **-Sunnydale High - Parking Lot-**

I spot Buffy storming out of the school and heading towards me as I make my way through the parking lot towards my truck.

"YOU!" Haven't we played this game already Buffy? Not that I mind.

"ME!" But usually I know what I've done to upset you. Right now, I've got nothing.

"Principal Snyder is making me see the school psychologist for a _month_. Apparently, _somebody_ expressed concern about my mental stability. I _wonder_ who that could have been."

"Oh! I know this one! That was me!"

"Tell me- Wait, you admit it!?"

"Well, you _did_ try to murder me. Makes a touch of a first impression that."

"I thought you were a vampire!"

So what if I am? "And that justifies stabbing me!? Really Buffy… are you sure one month is enough?"

"You were pointing a sword at Xander! _"_ Okay… I'm sure there's a fair point in there somewhere, but who cares?

"I saw the football team hassling Xander earlier today, are you going to stab them too? One of them might secretly be a vampire. You never can tell really."

"URGH!" Buffy spins on her heels and stomps off.

I wonder why Amy thinks I need a Hobby? This could _totally_ be a sport.

Hmmm… maybe I should visit Joyce at the Gallery and express my apologies about letting my concerns slip to Principal Snyder before she gets home to talk to Buffy?

Then again, Amy wanted me to help her study for that Math test tonight… Oh, and we get to fight those zombies! That's tonight too. I'll just have to keep my chat with Joyce short. Pity.

 **-Sunnydale Cemeteries-**

I can hear the zombies forcing their way up out of their coffins. "…3… 2… 1… Showtime!" I pocket my watch, it's not like I could figure out exactly when they were supposed to rise anyway or else I wouldn't have been standing out here quizzing Amy on derivations in a cemetery all evening.

"I'd ask what show it's time for but the zombies crawling out of the ground pretty much has that covered."

She makes a good point, they aren't exactly subtle. "I can agree with that."

"So we're clear; You knew this was going to happen?" Of course I did. Why else would we be here. What, did you think the cemetery had educational value? Well… I guess it does now. Combat Education.

I Shrug. "Yeah... Joyce showed me the demon mask that's animating them yesterday. Nigerian apparently. I guess they have more than just fake cash strapped princes to export." … That scam _is_ a thing already by the nineties right? Amy doesn't seem bothered by the reference if it isn't.

"…So… if you knew that tonight would be the night of the living dead..? Then why are we in the middle of the largest graveyard in town!?"

"Live. Fire. Exercise. Think of them as moving target dummies. Lots of moving target dummies." Oh! A zombie. I cleave through it's head with my new axe. Eh. I think I like my hammer better. I get more SPLAT! with it.

"Tar frim!" Cool! Amy's got enough juice to make zombies kaboom! That's awesome. I could get used to this whole having someone fighting beside me business.

…MUAHAHAH? MUAHAHAH!? "Really Amy?"

"What? You can cackle like a madman but I can't?"

"No, you're just doing it wrong. Ivy sounds nothing like that." Oooh! I cut that one almost directly in half!

"Jack! We've talked about this." We have? "You are not the Joker." Well sure, but I'd do a good job of it. "I am not Poison Ivy." Well excuse me for not getting dragged into this world with an encyclopedic knowledge of all of DC's characters. Ivy's variety of plant skills is the only thing I can think of that matches up with your magic's sheer versatility. "And wouldn't I be Harley anyway?"

"Harley!? Says the girl who can't lift the hammer." Besides, Faith is going to make an amazing Harley Quinn. I bet she loves _the_ _hammer_.

 **-Winters Residence - Lab-**

 **Project Shock Troopers - September 7th – Vulnerability Testing:**

· Staking the removed heart did not dust subject.  
· Subject remains flammable, but no longer burns to cinders instantly. Setting the heart on fire produces identical results. Fire burns until extinguished or 6 hour time period has elapsed.  
· Subject's wounds regenerate at a slightly slower rate comparable to ring usage. Similar rules appear to apply to the severed pieces regarding the link being severed at regenerations completion.  
· Exceptions include: Decapitation, which still causes subject to dust. Injuries suffered prior to heart removal, which heal back to that previous state.

Hmmm... if staking or burning doesn't sever that link... what could I possibly do to kill that bond more thoroughly? Needing to decapitate one of these things if they get loose would be a pain in the ass. Also, decapitation is clearly an issue that needs to be addressed.

...

Okay... _that_ might work. Kind of excessive... but excessive seems appropriate here. Hmmm... this is one of the last fledges I have left, but what the hell, let's give it a try.

Probably easiest to make the heart human instead of the whole body. Injection... the heart beats? That's cool... but the vamp isn't dust.

...

Oh! There he goes. Poof! How long was that delay?

 **-Sunnydale High - Library-  
**  
"Come on Amy. The library is this way."

"So… I told you they were asking questions about you.. and your grand plan is to invade their not so secret headquarters?" Amy is giving me one of those looks she uses when she thinks I'm being ridiculous.

"Yup. That's where they keep the answers after all." Well, okay, technically the answers are in the mind of the resident demonologist. A hopefully rather emotionally wrung out demonologist who's overwhelmed by having his Slayer back and being up late fighting zombies.

"Should I have brought the popcorn?" I hope so, this should be quite the show.

"Probably," I push the library doors open and stroll in. "Excuse me, Mr. Giles? Can I talk to you?" Oh! How nice, the gangs all here. I won't even have to rely on their gossip relays to get my story across. I wave happily at them. Xander even starts to wave back before being curtailed by the girls. I suppose Buffy's still cranky about yesterday. Still, thats promising. I suspect Xander will be the most difficult to bring around if they ever twig to my actual nature. A dead brother can be a powerful motivator, I should know, mine hasn't even managed to get himself killed yet but Mother's headaches _still_ natter on about it occasionally. Did Buffy _really_ need to shag both my Grandfather _and_ my Brother into insanity?

"Uh. Yes. Quite. I am here for all of the students of Sunnydale High after all." Awww, he's gone all stuffy British man on me. Quite. How cute! He's uncomfortable already.

I lower my voice enough that Oz and maybe Buffy will think they're clever overhearing me, "Cool… but… I uh… meant like as a Watcher."

I scratch the back of my head and try to look as uncomfortable as I can manage. It's not hard, I just channel my annoyed embarrassment at not being able to figure it out myself. "I was… uh… kind of hoping you might help me figure out what my dad might have been?" because feeding your little stake happy crew that line about being a half demon seemed like a much better idea when I thought I'd be able to find a suitable such crossbreed to fake being. Now it's almost a month later and I still have no idea just what I'm supposed to be pretending I am.

Urgh. I can't dodge the mayor forever and, "the local watcher thinks I'm part blahblah demon" sounds so much better than, "fucked if I know." Granted this is all assuming the man doesn't figure it out right away. He does employ a number of us.

Over at the table, I hear Buffy ask, "He doesn't know?" Interesting… Slayers do have slightly better senses. Well, better hearing anyway. Though she hasn't noticed my lack of heartbeat so it can't be that much better. And she clearly doesn't have a better nose or Oz wouldn't have been their tracker. I wonder how I could test her eye-

Mr. Giles starts polishing his glasses while stammering out his agreement. "Yes, we were actually engaged in just that endeavor now. If you'd be willing to answer some questions it could be of considerable help." Oh! What a lovely coincidence. It's almost as if this is one of the first opportunities you've had to gather in the library since Buffy failed to murder me.

I do so love playing this game, but I force myself to sound like we're talking about having my wisdom teeth out. Gods that sucked. "Well, what would you like to know?" I sigh, slowly sagging into one of the open chairs over at the table. "I've been looking through what books I could find since I realized I was… different. Nothing quite seems to fit." I let a touch of my real annoyance over just how true that is creep into my voice at the end there.

I hear Amy sit down beside me and then her hand is patting my back as if comforting me. Oh Amy. What would I do without you? Selling this act is so much easier with you playing along.

Giles takes his seat and stares at me as he polishes his glasses. A good sign. "I suppose we ought to start with the basics. Did your mother ever talk about him? Any kind of description at all." Really? Slow pitch softball? Thank you Giles! If you weren't a racist peeping tom dedicated to the genocide of my Family I could grow to like you.

"Oh, uh… I've never actually… spoken… to my mother. She kind of… she… uh… she left shortly after I was born. Um, but I've talked to people who met her! Of course they all thought she was crazy. Granted… she was talking about aliens and stars and stuff a lot apparently… So maybe they had a point? Err... There aren't aliens too right? Just demons? Should I have gone to Roswell instead of Sunnydale?" BAHAHAHA. Willow looks like I murdered her puppy. Hmmm… When _is_ Liam due back?

"Not as such, no. Although there was some debate recently on whether other dimensions were possibly other planets, so the distinction may be rather impossible to prove until we find a way to visit the stars." Wait really? That's awesome! Maybe I could chart the stars on a few different worlds and see if they line up? Or would that only work if they were all in the Milky Way? I should ask a astro- "Hmmm... have you perhaps noticed any unusually colored skin? Odd hornlike growths? Anything of that sort?" Okay. Pin in that. Show must go on.

"... I haven't noticed any skin tones as done by Crayola, or any horns... anywhere..." And Mrs. Cole would definitely have noticed any such freakishness… WHO THE FUCK IS MRS. COLE!? DAMNIT MOTHER! What did you do to me? Uh… where was I? Uh… right! "And I haven't got a forked tongue or pointy tail either see?" I stick my tongue out at Buffy. "But I do seem to heal really well, which is apparently super useful in this town full of violent... _monsters_." Why yes Buffy, I _do_ mean you. Must. Not. Giggle. Must. Not. Giggle.

The bell rings. I stand up, grabbing my bag. "So, same time next week?"

"Why not this afternoon or tomorrow?" Because I barely have any free time as it is? Between school, my new job, playing fixer for the folks at Google, and planning my sister's welcome home party I'm pretty booked solid.

"Can't. I have a shift at the hospital tonight and homework and stuff. But I can probably continue to do Wednesday mornings." Dawn always gets kidnapped on Tuesdays. So Wednesday mornings is my best bet you catch you guys all strung out and too tired to catch on if I slip up. Imagine If I'd mentioned Mrs. Cole out loud? What possible purpose could me vaguely remembering growing up in a London orphanage possibly serve!? I should probably add it to the list of shit to look into.

I wrap my arm around Amy as we head out of the library. And now for a nice innocuous topic… hmmm… aha! "Amy… you ready for the test in AP Calc today?"

She rolls her eyes at me. "I am. You know, you're oddly fixated on that class. Are you ready for today's test?" I should damn well hope so. I T.A.'d the damn class in college for two years. If I can't get you a 5 on the end of year AP test I will be very sad.

As the doors swing shut behind me, I just manage to catch Buffy's "…They let that guy work in a hospital!?" I know right? How crazy is that!?

 **-Sunnydale Warehouse District-**

BOOM! Goes the shotgun! Most of the fledges that were clustered around what I think may have once been a poker table ignite, one that I missed getting torches by his flailing buddy. Hmmm... I think I like the noises the burning infantrymen make in the Command and Conquer games better. Then again, that may just be because I forgot to wear ear protection and can't properly appreciate the fledges screams. Eh. The ring will take care of it in a moment. I add fireproofing to my list for a fourth time. Do not want.

Speaking of, the ringing in my ears cuts out just in time to hear Amy's cry of " _Tar frim!"_ and a lightning bolt crackles along and tags a fledge. Damn it Amy. You're supposed to be focusing on Kakistos and Mr. Trick.

Another bolt lashes out and knocks the latter down. Good girl. I sweep the shotgun to left, Click. Click. BOOM, and down go most of the fledges massing on Amy's far side. Really? Minions should not stack together.

Okay. There's Kakistos. " _Tar frim!"_

 _"_ No not the fledge! Get the big guy!" Shit. She can't hear me. She doesn't see him charging at her. Fuck. I charge between them swinging my Hammer at him. Kakistos catches my hammer mid swing. Damn it Karma. Now is not the time for your attempt at lessons! With a speed I can't even try to match my hammer is ripped out of my hands and tossed aside.

I can hear Amy chanting Gaelic, but the bolts of lightning are all crackling behind me. "Amy! Shitty Tacos is over here!" More crackling bolts behinds me, but not at Kakistos. Kakistos does not seem to like my nickname for him. I take a swing with my right hand hoping to buy Amy some time to notice him.

... OW! Okay, I don't have a right hand any more, or elbow. This was not my best plan! I should have just torched the pla-

...

OW!

Okay. I'm on my back, my ribs feel pretty uniformly cracked. I think I just got punched across a room? How strong is this asshat? Good news though, Kakistos is charging at me through Amy's field of vision so there's that.

Oh hey! I'm being lifted up aga-

...

Wha? My head hurts. I can feel my skull un-cracking. I think if he'd picked uppercut instead of just punching down at me I'd be dead by decapitation right now. That's a horrifying thought.

" _Tar frim!"_ Oh hey. Shitty Tacos is on the ground with me. When did that happen? _"_ Oh, I heard myself talk that time! _"_ Okay... definitely looking into either a silencer or some manner of hearing protection spell for Amy. Maybe some variation of that privacy spell she was talking about wanting for some reason? Oh hey! Trying to sit up worked that time! There's a loud crash and Amy's chanting Gaelic again, but by the time I look over I just see Amy sitting on the floor glaring at Mr. Trick's twitching body.

I lurch to my feet. The world wobbles a bit. Apparently vampires can get concussions? I can feel the ring trying to sort everything out, but I'm going to be hungry when this is all over. I grab a piece of wood from the floor. Looks like it might have been part of a chair once? Limping towards my hammer I stop to stake an occasional fledge along my way.

Conveniently, my arm's regeneration starts working on my fingers as I reach the hammer. Swinging this thing one handed would be a pain in the ass.

I start separating Kakistos from his limbs. Last thing I need is this fucker waking up and punching me again. Or worse, Amy. Fucking hell this guy hits like a Mac truck.

As I move from his arms to his legs, Amy pauses her fake retching noises, "Jack, just stake him already." Nope. Not gonna happen. "What do you mean no?"

Faith would never believe he's gone if she doesn't see it for herself. Besides, all things considered I think she's earned the right to light this guy on fire. "You can stake others. This guy… we're keeping, we're going to send him to the _special hell."_

"Really Jack? Why can't we just stake him and go home?"

"He tried to rape my Sister." An example needs to be made of what happens if you come after me and mine. Oh! If I cut out his heart first, we can watch him to burn for _hours_. Oh I _like_ that idea!

"Tar frim!" Awww... Amy agrees with me. Ooh, he's twitching. That's awesome. Okay. Stunned, and even if he wakes up he has no limbs left to bother anyone with. Time to take him home.

 **-Winters Residence - Lab-**

Okay. Shitty Tacos is chained up in his cage just in case. T minus 5 hours 30 minutes until auto-dust. I've got my epi-pen full of Mohra Blood, double wrapped in plastic and placed in my pocket, just in case I need to cut that short... wow, I think I like Amy's 'magic green goop' name better. I box up the heart and the silver platter I specially selected for just this occasion. Time to go meet Faith.

Bounding up the stairs I find Amy in that blue dress she was so adamant against letting Harmony make her try on. See? It _does_ look good on you. "Ready to go?"

"Are you serious!? You told me to get dressed up. You said this was important. But you're going to wear the bloodstained shirt from earlier tonight? No. Shower. Change. Go!"

Hmmm... she has a point. I do kind of look like an old school butcher. I still have over 5 hours til he goes poof "...fine..." I guess I can go change into something more presentable. I'm not sure Faith will care about the clothes I'm wearing but it can't hurt.

"Oh don't give me that tone. You can't go to the Bronze looking like you just committed murder." Yeah yeah, I know. Amy can be such a mother hen some times. "And don't stick your tongue out at me! You know I'm right." She must be dieting again. I really don't know why. Anorexia is _not_ a good look.

"You're hungry again aren't you?"

"Shut up!" Yup. Definitely dieting again. I'll grab her one of those cookies she likes on my way back though the kitchen... Maybe two?

 **-The Bronze-**

Amy and I walk into the Bronze and I can see her immediately. Wow. She looks exactly right. They must have cast Dushku at the same age Faith is. She's spot on for what I remember from the show. She's fucking _perfect_. She's telling that story about the Baptists of south Boston.

"Focus Jack. You said we were meeting your... Sister?" Oh I am focused. If nothing's changed about this scene there's a perfect moment to say hi coming up... yeah, there it is.

"Yup. Let's go say hello!" Hmmm... the band is a bit loud for the occasion... and I don't want to have shout Family business in a packed club... "Hey Amy, think you could toss up that privacy spell you mentioned in this?" I indicate the club. Amy nods and I'm off, I'm a touch behind schedule now and have to race over if I want to arrive in time for...

"But why were you called here?" Perfect!

I slip into the chair next to Faith, sliding the box onto the table. "Hiya Faithy! I gotcha a present!"

I hear Willow ask "Is that... a... human heart?" but I'm watching Faith's reactions. She seems confused.

"Dude! What the fuck!?"

"Yup. I cut it out of this bastard named Kakistos. And that platter is real silver too."

My moment with Faith is interrupted by the Peanuts gallery angry yelling. "What the hell is wrong with you!?" _REALLY!?_

I turn to glare at them. Xander even flinches from it. "You try finding out that you have a sister you never knew about. And at the same time finding out that she's been chased across the country by a vampire older than fucking dirt who wants to try and rape her to death! I think my response was _ENTIRELY_ appropriate!" Okay... that's a bit more than I meant to give away in public, but fuck, I just want to tell my sister she's safe now in peace.

Faith's hands grab my head and twist it around. For a moment I think she means to twist my head off before I realize that would be ridiculous. "He's dead. You're _sure!?_ " Her eyes are wide as she stares at my face looking for any hints that I'm lying.

I'm not lying, but I need to phrase this carefully anyway. I want my head to remain attached. "I thought... you might want to handle that honor personally... see it with your own eyes kind of thing? I left him trussed up in the basement for you." Faiths eyes widen and her breathing gets rapid. Why is she panicking?

"What if he escapes!?" Uhhh...

"How? With no arms or legs that'd be ... pretty fucking impressive."

Faith's breathing steadies. She nods at me. "Show me." I love the way her voice sounds. I grab the box with Kakistos heart and we're off.

Wait, why am I being dragged towards... oh. "Faith? Not this place's basement, the one back at the house. That way, we can drive there." I point at my truck.

Faith stops and does the wide eyed searching stare again. But I'm not lying. Faith apparently reaches that same conclusion. She points to Buffy, "Okay, but they're coming."

You want your sister slayer with you when you confront Kakistos. I get that. "Whatever it takes to make you feel safe Faithy. Just name it." A truce with Buffy for a night is a _tiny_ price to pay for my Sister. "Uh... I can only fit four in Sheila, and even then not super comfortably so... who else is driving? Oz?"

Oz seems a bit hesitant. "Sure... I'll follow you?"

"You can... but it's just that old Delta Zeta Kappa house. You all know how to get there right?"

Faith, looking full of her usual bravado again grabs a startled looking Buffy by the arm. "Cool. We're coming with you."

Buffy doesn't seem nearly as enthused about this as she's dragged along behind Faith. Beside me Amy giggles. I go to look at her but then I catch Cordelia's muttered, "Of course he lives in _that_ house." I see.

I hold open the doors for Faith and Buffy to climb in. Glancing at Amy as I start the truck, she seems far more amused than Cordelia's discomfort really warrants. She grins at me while still giggling.

Behind me, Buffy asks in a sickly sweet voice, "Jack? Why is there a box of _grenades_ under my seat?" Oh.

Beside me Amy's giggles erupt into full blown laughter. Ooh... oops. Well, nothing for it... Throwing the truck into drive and pressing the break, I turn around to stare straight at Buffy. "Because I forgot to take them back into the house after throwing one at Kakistos?" Winking at Faith who seems both amused and alarmed, I turn back around and, releasing the break, I pull out into traffic.


	27. Part 20 - Just Gotta Have Faith II

A/N - I've been porting over a number of chapters recently. If the traffic view thing I just found works how I think... some people may have missed a chapter or two by skipping to the most recent. Not sure? Parts 13, 17, and Interludes 1 and 4 seem to have had significantly less readers than the ones after them? strange.

 **Part 20 - Just Gotta Have Faith II**

-Winters Residence-

"Holy buggerfuckin christ Buffy! What part of _older than fuckin dirt_ is so gods damned difficult for you!?" I throw the truck in park and climb out, pausing only to grab the boxed heart, before starting towards the house.

My not nearly short enough drive to the other side of Sunnydale's 'not a whole lot of town' has taught me a few things. One, Cordelia has no gods damned sense of scale. Two, Buffy has issues with the use of grenades. No. Make that Buffy has _issues._ Three, apparently Faith's accent is fuckin contagious, I can literally hear myself getting worse. Four, and my personal favorite, being in a truck with two slayers is itchy. My tattoos do not like it. Amy of course thinks it's hilarious. She hasn't stopped giggling since we got in the truck.

"If you want to think of it as cheating then fine! I cheated! What was I supposed to do? Slam my face into his fists until his arms got tired? I hit the guy with a _grenade_ and he GOT BACK UP!"

Surprisingly it's Faith, who had been uncharacteristically quiet for most of the ride, that latches on to that one. "... So wait, how did you beat him?"

I sigh, "...I uh... hit his fists with my face until Amy managed to tag him with a magic tazer. My job was just to play bait and punching bag." Xander, holding the door of the mystery machine for Willow and Cordelia gives a nod in solidarity. Monster baits of the world unite... I never did have him test that blue haired girl...

Unlocking the front door and ushering everyone inside I can't help but feel like there's something wrong.

Cordelia and Buffy are staring around the atrium/living room area like it's ... err... I have no idea what that expression means. Amy is still giggling.

That. Right there. What was that noise? Oz is looking around with a slightly puzzled expression, which coming from him is a more than a bit alarming.

"Wow. I love what you've done with the place." Okay, I guess that expression is a good thing? "It looks nothing like when those psychos tried to feed me to- what?."

I hold up my hand for silence. Clanging noise? Oh gods damn it Faith, why did you have to play prophetess. "Damn."

"What?" Cordelia, and now Willow ask together. Oz, Buffy, Faith and I are all staring at the basement door as a loud roar followed by an equally loud clanging noise overpowers the lab's sound proofing.

"Remember when Faith asked what happens if he escapes?" I set the box down on a side table and start unwrapping the epi-pen while even those without enhanced hearing start reaching for their nearest weapons and looking at the door. I rip off the cap and inject the Heart. I start the countdown from its first stuttering heartbeat.

Four. I drop the Epi-pen into the box and head over towards the group as loud pounding footsteps come up the stairs.

Three. "Looks like you all get to see why I wasn't overly concerned about it." Faith's breathing is definitely amping up.

Two. I get a bunch of quick glances from now slightly confused Scoobies. Amy giggles again and Faith is starting to eye the exits. I think I can hear her heart pounding.

One. I put my hand on Faith's shoulder and give it a reassuring squeeze as an enraged Kakistos, arms and legs somehow almost healed, blows through the basement door like it's tissue paper. Clearly I forgot to fucking test the ritual on a properly ancient vampire. Faith feels rooted to the spot, as if her worst nightmare just came to life. Every muscle near her shoulder is as tense as I've ever felt.

Zero. Kakistos doesn't dust? Buggering fuck! I scramble forward between him and Faith, right hand up to ward off his first blow. At least I know I can survive having that arm ripped off... This is going to suck.

Kakistos rushes forward. "I'm going to rip your spine ou-" His charge across the room at turns into a clattering skeletal roll as the rest of his body fades to dust. I nudge an... arm bone..? with my foot. Apparently the count changes slightly with age? That's going to be expensive to chart out... err... Actually, I probably just counted faster due to stress. Damn. That's embarrassing. I sigh.

"Amy, do you remember where we put the vacuum?" No answer. I turn around.

...

Okay, why is everyone staring at me? "What?" Amy is starting to look annoyed and Faith looks somewhere between shock and tears. Oh! "Oh. Shit. I'm so sorry Faith. I said I'd let you set him on fire didn't I? uhhh... I said I'm sorry right?" I look over at the bones scattered on my floor. "I can probably bring him back if you still want to do that?"

...

This does not appear to be what has everyone upset. Half of them just started spluttering one word questions. Faith is silently alternating from staring at the bones to me and back on loop. Amy's the loudest though, "JACK! You just waved at him and made him explode."

Is that what it looked like? I would have shouted moronicus explodicus if I'd known that. "...I did mention I had a backup plan right?"

"So we only- What the- No! I'm done! I can't- I don't-" Amy stands there for a moment before throwing her hands in the air, and stomping off to the kitchen. "AWRGLE!"

... huh.

Okay. Everyone out of my house! "Okay. I should probably go check on Amy. She's been a bit stressed out since the stabbing, and I think tonight was just too much."

Faith is glancing from the bones to the still swinging kitchen door. "Oh shit. She got stabbed?" Oh. No. Faith, this isn't _your_ fault.

"Err... No, I got stabbed. In the _back_ no less." Buffy and co. start to look a touch uncomfortable as I stare pointedly at them. "I'm fine obviously, but it kind of shook Amy up. Look, can we take a raincheck on the demanding answers bit?" Fortunately, Buffy opens and closes her mouth a few times before glancing at the kitchen door and nodding. I can hear Willow excitedly pondering under her breath what spell I used as she's herded out by Oz and Xander. Definitely need to tell her it's moronicus explodicus.

Faith looks pretty overwhelmed too. There are some definite cracks showing in her tough girl bravado. Speaking of Faith, "Faith? Where are you going?"

"Ain't we leavin? You just said..."

"Oh, I didn't mean _you_ had to leave, we've got what? Almost 17 years of catching up to do? You can crash here if you like, or I could drive you... uh, where are you staying anyway?"

"Over at the Sunnydale Motor Inn." She says that so matter of factly.

"You're staying in that rathole?" Cordelia, spinning around in the doorway, sounds so legitimately horrified. I don't think I could have said it better myself.

Faith starts to protest, "What's it to you!?" But Cordelia has already moved on... Okay, now what? Why is she glaring at me?

"A house like this and you're letting her stay in that place? What kind of brother- Do you want her to get-" Xander elbows her, giving her a look.

Faith's yell of "Hey! I can take care of myself." Is also completely ignored by Cordelia who's now glaring at Xander.

Xander's whispered, "Cordy, remember what we said about Jack's mom leaving right after he was born? I don't think they've ever met before." Is far less subtle than he thinks in a room full of people with sharpened hearing. Cordelia's surprised expression lasts at least until Xander manages to tug her out the door. I may owe Xander another box of Twinkies. Maybe one for Cordelia too.

Well, on the plus side Faith is still here. On the down side they got her even more riled up. With Buffy paused in the doorway looking at Faith with a question on her face I think it might be time to call time out. "I think what Cordelia meant to say is that you're always welcome to stay here Faith, I obviously have plenty of room." Nothing good will come of rushing or trying to force things with Faith. "It's up to you of course, but tell you what, If you like you could come over for breakfast tomorrow? I'll make eggs. We can catch up, get to know each other, and you can put off deciding until you feel more comfortable. It'll be Saturday so... maybe... here around 10?"

Faith nods and stops looking quite so anxious. It's fascinating how good she is at wrapping bravado around herself like a cloak.

I wave goodbye before closing the door behind the two slayers and turning to face the kitchen door. "Well then, once more into the breach dear Jack."

 **-Winters Residence - Kitchen-**

Amy paces back and forth angrily. The box of Oreos her current pointing implement came from has gotten nearly empty. "You keep doing these impossible things! Like dragging a vampire down into the lab and somehow turning them back into a human! I just! URGH!"

"I... but I told-"

"No! Not done yet! We could have _died_ Jack! I could have _died_! You're fine obviously, Mr. Crazy Impossible Vampire that walks around in sunshine and plays with crosses. Buffy staked you! In the heart! I saw the hole close up when I pulled it out. And you just laughed it off. And now there's two of you! And I just can't- URRGH!"

Well now she's making no sense. Clearly sorting this out will require waiting for her to calm down... Wait. I think I know this one! I stand up and cautiously move towards Amy who's gearing up for another round. "Amy? Do you need a hug?"

...

A long sigh, and Amy's angry rant deflates like someone cut her strings. She nods.

"You know, it's weird having my face pressed against your chest and not hearing a heartbeat." Amy murmurs a moment later.

"Uh... well... I don't know if this will make things any better given what you said earlier, but I uh... would you like me to get a heartbeat? I have this theory about-"

Amy laughs against my chest, "Jack, one day you're going to either conquer the world or kill it with fire, and your explanation for why you did it will start with ' _I had this theory about..."_

"Father always used to joke that ruling the world sounded like entirely too much work, but you're probably right. That does sound a lot like me. Feeling better?"

"Yeah, a bit. We can go rejoin the Scoobies now."

"Oh I sent them home ages ago."

"But... I thought you were all excited about hanging out with your _Sister."_ Odd emphasis on that word is odd...

"My witch was malfunctioning again. It seemed important. Faith's going to come over for breakfast tomorrow, we can catch up then." Amy halfheartedly glares up at me.

"I was not _malfunctioning."_ Her smile and slight tightening of her arms kind of kills the angry tone of her words.

"Of course not dear. Who would ever say such a thing?"

Amy just huffs mock angrily in my arms.

"Would you like to me to tell you how I do all of those allegedly impossible things? I can explain all of them. That's the beauty of science."

"Only if you promise it won't be super gross."

"...Okay, in that case I can explain... maybe half of what I do." Probably less.

"I can live with that."

"Okay so... about that ring of invisibility I think you mentioned..."

 **-Winters Residence - Kitchen-**

In the kitchen again the next morning, I listen to Faith tell Amy about some of her slay-gal adventures and misadventures while I cook breakfast. Finally ready I start putting some onto plates and set it down in front of the girls before heading back to grab my own.

"What the fuck is this shit?"

" _Eggs_ _a la Jack_." Is that voice really necessary Amy?

"The fuck are they _ORANGE!_?" Faith makes it sound like a personal betrayal.

"Because Jack here thinks that eggs with shredded veggie sausage and barbeque sauce is the king of breakfast foods." Amy rolls her eyes but digs in with enthusiasm, I note.

I finally feel compelled to jump in here, "Hey! Don't forget the garlic. And I saw that eye roll. You will never convince me that French Toast is better than this!"

"Oh Goddess! How could I forget the _garlic_. You only ladle it in by the spoonful! Don't mind him Faith, he's just one of those freaks of nature that hate maple syrup."

"How can you hate maple syrup!?" again with that betrayed tone.

"I don't _hate_ it... I just don't really care for it. Dunno, never have. And is making that face at them really necessary? They're just eggs. They didn't kick your puppy."

I can hear Faith muttering about aliens and syrup and eggs while Amy laughs as I go to grab a second plateful. I guess she must have gotten Xander to elaborate on my alleged history? He seemed inordinately fond of the aliens are real theory.

"So you're all right? You seemed kinda freaked out last night." Victory! I can hear Faith talking around a mouth full of food.

"Yeah, Jack and I talked. Apparently we weren't nearly as on the same page about a few things as we thought. So between finding out just how dangerous that Kakistos guy we had fought actually was, and thinking you were a vampire, and then havin-

"You thought I was a vampire!?"

I slide back into my seat and pass Faith a napkin for the eggs she now has on her shirt. "Yeah, it seems that Amy here missed the '-Slayer' part of your title when I told her about you."

"Don't say that like it's _my_ fault. Talking to you that whole week was like dealing with a two year old on a fucking sugar high!"

My moment of victory as Faith begins munching away happily on second plate of eggs is cut short by the doorbell. I wave Amy off, "I'll get it. You two eat."

"He... was excited... about _me_?" Faith asks as I head into the living room. She sounds so delightedly yet hesitantly hopeful I can't help but smile. It's going to be okay Faith. You're with family now. I take my time heading to the door so I can listen in.

"Oh Goddess, you should have seen him and Harmony working on your bedroom. I had to step in a few times to make sure it didn't come out looking like a unicorn sneezed glitter everywhere."

"My bedro- Wait, you thought I was a vampire but you were helping setup a room for me?"

"Of course... you're family." Amy really is amazing. She says that so matter-of-factly. As if any other answer would be insane. I think I taught her that. She's come so far in just one summer. Imagine what I'll be able to do with eternity? I'm filled with the warm and fuzzies.

I open the door. My warm and fuzzies run away in terror. The man on my porch and I stare at each other. Shitfuck!

...

I plaster my best smile on my face. "Deputy Mayor Finch! To what do I owe the pleasure?"


	28. Part 21 - Just Gotta Have Faith III

**Part 21 - Just Gotta Have Faith III:**

 **-Winters Residence-**

I stare down at the suspiciously ornate looking invitation the deputy mayor is holding out to me. Would it be rude to go fetch a pair of bomb disposal gloves before accepting it? Or maybe call Amy and have her check it to make sure it's not a fucking portkey to Azkaban? ...I can't seem to shake that last, oddly particular, concern.

...

It would probably be rude. It would certainly be strange. I think I hear Amy and Faith heading up stairs to Faith's room anyway. Damn. Plan C it is.

I look up and meet Alan Finch in the eyes. " _What is it_?" I'm getting better at blending speech and Thrall together seamlessly, but I still hear an odd lilt to my voice when I do it. I'm not sure if it's all in my head or not, after all, who could I ask?

None of that matters of course, because just like everyone else worth mentioning in this buggerfucking town Finch appears to have... wait... What are the odds that every human of political importance has enough demon blood to be resistant to Thrall? Fucking Wilkins. He must have some sort of mental protective spell running on his favorite toys. Fuck, for all I know, he gets a text message every time I try to thrall one of them. I wonder if that means Brachen demons are actually even thrall resistant at all... but then who would have...

Finch at least doesn't seem to notice anything strange about the question. And, wonder of wonders, he answers it helpfully. "Mayor Wilkins would like to meet with you to discuss an employment opportunity at City Hall."

Okay. 'Helpfully' may have been a stretch. "Mayor Wilkins wants to give me a job?" Doesn't he already have enough... Oh... I guess I did kind of sorta kill the guy he was going to hire... Mr. Trick, I salute you, even from the dusty beyond you've managed to be a pain in the ass.

I carefully take the offered invitation. I suppose if I have to be on the Mayor's radar, being on it as the vampire in charge of messing with Buffy's head is the best option I could hope for. Shit I already do that for giggles. This is going to be like the psychiatry department all over again. Hmmm... Next Sunday at 8PM? "Thank you Deputy Finch. Please assure the Mayor that I'll be there." Maybe keeping my Sister out of Wilkin's sights won't be impossible after all.

I wave Finch off cheerfully before closing the door.

Just in time for Mount Faith to erupt. " **WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!?** " Oh now what could possibly be wrong? I was only gone for ten minutes at the most.

There isn't even any point to moving given how loudly she's clearly moving down the stairs. Herd of elephants that girl.

Oh. She found the paperwork folder. "Jack! What is this!?" Said folder is suddenly being practically pressed against my face. Note to self. No more coffee for Faith. Oh right, she hasn't even had any.

Why is she upset about the folder. All it has is, "Options?"

" _Options_!? How does you taking custody of me give me o _ptions!?_ " Oh!

"Did you read the next few pages?" The folder is jerked back out of my face and Faith is thumbing through it faster than I can blink. I wonder if this is what Amy meant when she said I'm hard to follow sometimes..?

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"...Sorry."

"Don't worry about it. Look, I'd love for you to be a proper Winters and all. The idea of there being two Slayers; one Summers, one Winters, is too amusing for mere words. I think that's probably why Harmony keeps rearranging the paperwork so that one is on top. I think she loves that idea even more than I do. But I actually rather expected you to go with Faith Dormer. From what the Lawyers and I were able to piece together she helped you out a lot. I thought you might want to carry the name to honor her memory." I shrug exaggeratedly, "None of that's been filed with the courts yet. I wanted it to be your choice. Whichever you name you pick, and either emancipation or a custodial agreement, the paperwork for each combination is in that folder ready to go. The important part was that it be up to you. Too much in life just kind of happens to us you know?"

Faith continues staring at the various permutations of paperwork I had drawn up. "I... need to think about this."

I smile encouragingly at her. "Take all the time you need. I wouldn't have it any other way. I'll be here to back you up no matter what you choose."

Faith nods distractedly and then she's gone. My front door swinging closed for the second time in five minutes.

It almost looked like she was about to cry. Well... At least she took the paperwork with her? That's ... good... right?

Looking up at the second floor I meet Amy's widened eyes and her matching confused look. What just happened?

 **-Sunnydale High - Hallways-**

Getting a head start on my new job I snag Harmony after first period. "Harmony... have you ever considered running for Homecoming Queen?"

It's fortunate that Harmony doesn't seem to require any further input from me than that before she's off to the races, because I honestly haven't the foggiest how that all works even after I watched Buffy and Cordelia duke it out for most of an episode.

Aha! There you are! You Mr. Wells, are entirely too good at slinking around the high school avoiding people looking for you. See, there you go again, trying to escape.

Yes. Thank you Larry. Pin him there while I make my way down the hall. Good Boy.

Walking up behind Larry, I put my hand on his shoulder. "Morning Larry! Sorry to be a bother, but I need to borrow your boyfriend for a moment."

Larry expression would indicate he seems to think I'm off script again. But, proof he _can_ be taught, he walks away without comment when I make shooing motions at him.

Andrew Wells stares from me to Larry's retreating back before blinking a few times and squeaking out, "I'm not gay!"

You aren't? Are you sure? The internet seemed to disagree back home. And... either way, what an incredibly odd way to say hello. "Congratulations. Why would I care?" I fail to see how you spend you free time is any of my business. "Now, I need you to focus Mr. Wells, this is important. I need you to tell me more about Batman." Halloween is going to be amazing this year.

Andrew somehow manages to look excited and confused at the same time. "...you _want_ me to tell you about _Batman_?"

"Yup. I'm planning out some Halloween costumes for my friends, and I want to make sure they work right. I have a... Joker, a Poison Ivy," I pause a moment, wondering what Faith is up to right now. I haven't seen much of her since she left on Saturday. "...A Harley Quinn and..."

 **-Sunnydale High - Library-**

Ah Wednesdays. The day I set aside for trying to figure out just what I'm pretending to be.

Wednesday. Also known to the Scoobies as stare at Jack and ask entirely too many questions day. Sadly, Faith doesn't seem to be here. Then again, I already knew getting her to go to school would be a herculean task.

...And it's not like she's done much more than glance at me awkwardly since she fled the house. Avoidance thy name is Faith.

Willow seems far more interested in playing a different game today though. I sigh. "I call it moronicus explodicus. It makes vampires too stupid to stay fucking tied up go poof! It's not actually a spell though."

"It isn't?" She sounds so sad.

"What did I have in the box?"

"Oh. So you-"

"Destroyed the vampire heart. And... trying to move back on topic... No Giles, I can pretty much eat whatever I want. Or... well... I haven't tried to eat a bar of metal, but I also feel no particular urge to do-" My idle page flipping grinds to a halt. I stare down at a drawing of what looks like Emilia wearing a toga in one of Giles's mythology books. "SON OF A BITCH!"

Amy lifts her head up from where she was doing a decent job of pretending nothing beyond her morning cup of coffee existed. "What?"

"I think I know this girl." I point at the entry for Eris. Greek goddess of chaos, strife, and discord. Why was she in L.A pretending to be a tattoo... shit. Why she looks extra familiar finally clicks. She looks like the woman from fathers bizarre 'dream' from before he woke up on the Sunnydale sign. I guess her and Janus teaming up makes as much sense as any other explanation for why I'm here. Is there even anything to be gained by investigating? I'll have to give it some thought. All this really tells me is that Hellenism suddenly feels more realistic that father's atheism.

"Really Jack? You know a goddess?" Buffy sounds doubtful. Right, no origin story revelations in front of the white hats.

"Yeah, she's an incredible lay." There, that's both true and suitably conversation diverting. And there's that blessed school bell. I think I have metal shop- "You okay there Amy? You look like you're choking."

 **-Winters Residence - Atrium-**

I'm sitting on the couch watching the tapes I borrowed from the hospital security office.

I no longer wonder why no one's noticed I'm never in them. Grainy doesn't even begin to describe it.

Aha! Okay... there's the Sandra-ish blur running down the hallway and... nope that's just a nurse late for her shift or something.

I turn on the external pacemaker I borrowed along with the tapes. It's an odd sensation as my internal fluids resume sloshing around inside of me. It's kind of distracting, but I suppose I could get used to it. Shame the little box thing is so huge. I'm going to have to find a surgeon that Amy won't mind threatening while I'm... would I even need to be sedated? William wasn't for his brain surgery. Huh... I wonder if that means the ring is corrupting my studies on how vampire memory works by putting everything back exactly right? Cleary William was _thinking_ with his brain or else why the chip?

...

Okay... nope! Pacemaker is not a go. Vampires _can_ get nauseous it seems. I rip out the pacemaker's wires before I discover first hand if it's also possible for us to vomit. Maybe some manner of chest mounted subwoofer device to fake the rhythmic sensation of a heartbeat but not actually move the blood around?

Oh! This might be her. The fast moving blur of the appropriate colors rushes down the hallway and then stops to swing at empty air.

The blur suddenly just fucking vanishes. Really? That's what you security types call a camera glitch? REALLY!? Sandra just teleported a few feet to the right out of frame and you're just "oh yeah, that happens sometimes?"

The doorbell rings. Sandra reappears against the wall on the tape. Oh. That's just... okay really? This requires testing. I throw my shirt on and head towards the door while buttoning it up.

I'm still laughing about the fact that the universe is willing to lump unruly psych patients under the category of "possessions" as far as my tattoos are concerned when I get to the door. _Oh magic..._

I open it to find a nervous and uncomfortable looking Faith clutching a duffle bag and the folder of paperwork. "So. If I wanna be Faith Dormer and get emancipated and shit... can- can I still move in?"

I feel like I've already given her this speech. But what the hell. "Welcome home Faith."

"Thanks Jack." Faith walks through and I close the door. I can't help but notice that while she's smiling, she only sounds almost thrilled... it doesn't quite seem to reach her eyes which still look a little sad and nervous...and why is she using my name instead of one of her Faith style nicknames? Shouldn't I be J? or something like Red?

Maybe she's trying to maintain her distance because she doesn't, or can't, quite believe we really want her? I'll have to find a way to prove it to her. Hmm... how the hell am I going to top delivering Kakistos's heart on a silver platter?

 **-Sunnydale City Hall-**

I resist the urge to snort. But really. The study in contrast is a bit much.

I mean really, the other interviewee for the job is _Lyle Gorch?_ Really? I force myself to nod politely to the redneck as he walks past me coming out of the Mayor's office.

A moment later Finch gives me the go ahead and I step cautiously into that same office. Mayor Wilkins is seated at his desk with that genial smile he loves to wear plastered on his face. It turns puzzled for just a bare instant as I cross through his office door but then the smile is back. Given how many people I baffle on a regular basis I wouldn't find it so damned alarming if it hadn't happened in sync with my tattoos sizzling for a half second.

"Mayor Wilkins. I'm told you wanted to see me about some work?" I've been giving some thought to all the various ways I can keep Buffy off her game this past week. I think I'm going to enjoy this a lot.

"Ah, Mr. Winters. Punctual. I like that. You see I find myself in need of a new retrieval specialist. Punctuality is so important in that line of work." Uh what? Wilkins gestures to the wall of his office, where there's a large set of... uh...Hang on... that bit looks like the caves system under... the... house- Holy crap those ugly paintings all combine into a fucking map!? GODS DAMN IT.


	29. Interlude 6 – Desperate

**Interlude 6 – Desperate Lies:**

*** Faith's POV ***

 **-Riding in Oz's Van-**

I'm staring silently out the window with my thoughts on loop.

I can stop running. Kakistos is dead. I can stop running. I'm safe. I should feel great about that right? Should be happy?

The van's silence is broken by the girl with red hair... Willow?

"So... that was scary. But... you have a brother. So. Yay!" Except I don't. I don't have a brother.

"An alien Brother!" What?

"Xander! He's not an alien. Giles said so."

"What're you guys talking about?" I turn away from the window to look at them.

"Oh. Jack was able to track down some folks who... knew your mother. Apparently she was talking about aliens before she... left. She never mentioned anything about that you?" Xander I think she called him? Trails off awkwardly.

"No."

Because the guy that smiles at me like I matter, like I'm important, the guy who turned Kakistos to dust with a wave of his hand... He thinks I'm someone I'm not.

He thinks I'm some long lost sister. His sister. Family.

"She never talked about the aliens with me."

Is it wrong that I want to pretend it's true? Maybe just for a little while?

"She was always a bit too busy drinking and passing out to tell me about the aliens."

Am I really that bad for wanting it to be true? Awkward silence answers my unasked question as the van continues towards my motel.

 **-Sunnydale Motor Inn-**

I look at the hotel clock with the crack running down the middle.

It's 3:28 the clock tells me.

I roll over on the crappy motel mattress and try to go back to sleep.

"I have a brother, so, yay!" I can't seem to match Red's happy. Maybe it's because I know it's a lie?

It has to be a lie right? Mom can't have had a kid before me. Why would she say having me ruined her life if she had another kid before me?

Want. Take. Have. It's a lot easier when it's just skin.

Eventually I must fall asleep again.

I dream of the crazy guy that calls me his sister and hands me the heart of my worst nightmare on a silver platter.

I dream of having a place to live where I don't get woken up at 3:26 in the morning to stake a vampire that tries to break into my hotel room and eat me.

I dream of a hand squeezing me on the shoulder, and then blowing Kakistos to dust with a wave.

I dream of having a family that wants me.

 **-Winters Residence-**

I stare at Amy's smiling face in the doorway.

I want to tell her he's not really my brother. That I don't belong here.

"Hey Faith! Perfect timing. Jack's just getting ready to make breakfast."

My empty stomach growls at me.

I'll tell them after breakfast.

 **-Winters Residence - Kitchen-**

"Of course... You're family." Amy stares at me like I have three heads. Like there's no other option.

Except I'm not family. I don't belong here. I'm not the girl with the family that would take me even if I were a vampire. I should tell her. I want to tell her.

"But... Vampires _eat_ people." I say instead.

She laughs. "You've met Jack right? Do you really think I need to worry about being eaten with him around?"

I can't really argue with that I guess. It must be nice, knowing someone cares about you like that.

I remember it being nice. Diana made me feel like that... before... Before Kakistos ripped her apart trying to get to me. Before I ran away. Before I let her die.

Now? Something must have shown on my face because Amy pats my arm and tells me to follow her.

We go up a flight of stairs. There's a door. My door. My name is on the door. The I is a stake, and the T is a cross.

"You know, when he first put the sign up, I thought he was going to turn it into a chapel." I guess Amy noticed me staring at the door. She opens the door and waves me in ahead of her.

It's bigger than my motel room. One of the walls has newspaper clippings on it.

I take a closer look. I recognize that guy. I saved him from that reddish Demon Thing... These are all about me. Huh, I made the papers a few times. It's a little creepy actually.

There's a bed and a desk. They look nice. New. Bought just for me. There's a folder with my name on it on the desk.

I open it. Are these... adoption papers? I stare at Amy's smiling face in the doorway.

I'm not really his sister. I wish I was. I want to belong. But I don't. I hate that I don't. That I never do. This isn't my room. He's got the wrong girl.

I have to tell them. These papers make it too real. This whole room is just too much.

"What the fuck is this shit!?" I yell instead of telling them. Anger is easier. I don't have to tell them I've let them think I'm someone else for the past hour.

I race out of the room and back down the stairs.

"Jack! What is this?" I'm holding the folder with the paperwork in his face.

"Options."

What do you mean options? Options for who? He says it with the same smile he used when he handed me a heart. He's obviously at least a little crazy, but I think he means this is for me. But I don't understand.

"Options? How does you having custody of me give me options?"

What I really want to ask is why are you so sure I'm your sister? How can you have done all this research about me, have newspaper clippings of me on the wall in a room with my name on it, be ready to take me in, and yet have missed the fact that I'm not your sister? That I can't be your sister. Can I?

"Did you read the next few pages?"

I flip through the paperwork in the folder. Each one is different. Emancipation paperwork. Name change paperwork...

"Oh"

"Yeah"

"Sorry." And I am. I'm sorry that I'm standing here thinking about letting you continue to believe I'm your long lost sister. Thinking about taking advantage of your crazy.

"Don't worry about it. Look, I'd love for you to be a proper Winters and all..." Jack keeps talking but I'm not really listening. I hear him say my name again, only now it's "Faith Dormer." He says it as I find the paperwork that would make it true.

Faith Dormer, like I really was her daughter. Shit. What would Double D think if she could see me now?

"...Too much in life just kind of happens to us you know?"

I think I nod at him. I need to go. "I need to think about this."

I'm down the street before I realize I've made it out the door.

Am I bad? Am I wrong for wanting what they're offering?

 **-Sunnydale Cemeteries-**

"So... Jack is..." I kick the vamp over to B, "He's crazy right?"

B pauses to stake it, "You know, I'm not really sure anymore."

"Whatcha mean?" We look around the cemetery, but that was the last one.

"He does all these infuriatingly bizarre things, but they all seem to have a reason you know? Like, he's the reason I have to talk to Mr. Platt."

"He that school shrink you mentioned?" If B, with her perfect fuckin life, needs a shrink, what's that say about me?

"Yeah. I hated the idea of going at first, but it's been helpful. Just having someone to talk to about stuff. I can't talk about slaying obviously, but... okay, so mostly I just talk about how angry Jack makes me sometimes."

"...Ain't you two friends?"

"Not really. I think Xander and he might be friends, but- I don't know. We've never really gotten along. I suppose staking him the night we met didn't help." Probably not- Hang on. What?

"You're the one that stabbed him?"

"Yeah, I thought he was a vampire attacking Xander. Staked him in the heart. He just punched me and then stormed off yelling about... pegging fetishes?" B's nose scrunches up in confusion.

"You... in the heart... Wait- You mean he really is an alien!? Xander wasn't just joking around?"

"Well, Giles thinks he might just be part Mocha Demon. But yeah, Xander's really hoping the answer is aliens."

"Oh." The crazy guy that thinks I'm his long lost sister is a coffee demon? Maybe Xander has a point.

"Yeah." And B waves good night and heads back to her... mother who wants her. Why couldn't my mom be like Mrs. Summers?

 **-Sunnydale Alleyway-**

I pull my stake back as the vampire crumbles to dust. I check the pockets of the jacket I tore off him. Twenty bucks.

That brings me up to enough to pay for the hotel room for another night.

One more vamp with cash on him and I can grab something to eat too.

My stomach growls hungrily at the thought. Slaying always makes me hungry.

Maybe if I don't call myself a Winters it won't be like I'm lying to them?

 **-Winters Residence-**

The last time I saw Jack or Amy was 3 days ago. Jack smiled at me and waved. I... pretended I didn't notice him standing there. Will they even still want me?

I hear laughter before the door opens, then Jack's standing there. His smile widens.

"So. If I wanna be Faith Dormer and get emancipated and shit..."

Double D would be so disappointed in me right now.

I almost turn around and walk away right then.

I almost tell him I'm not who he thinks I am.

But I don't.

"Can I still move in?"

"Welcome home Faith."

Home. Family. Somewhere to belong. It's what I've always wanted.

"Thanks Jack."

Why do I feel like I don't deserve it?


	30. Part 22 – From Distraction

**Part 22 – From Distraction:**

 **-Winters Residence-**

I walk out of Mayor Wilkins' office feeling torn between amusement and apprehension.

On the one hand I'm clearly being sent down into some caves by an old man wizard to fetch a maguffin. Mark your calendars folks, I've been in this world for just over four months and I've been given a fetch quest. Anyone taking bets on whether or not it chains out into a fed-ex quest to deliver to someone somewhere massively inconvenient, yet somehow storyline relevant? I roll my eyes at the universe.

On the other hand... I'm being sent to fetch a maguffin he needs to 'fulfill a campaign promise.' There's no way that doesn't mean, 'aid me in violating rule 34 by turning in to a giant snake demon.' I mean gosh, what a pickle! My favorite Mayor wants to retire in a fiery explosion. Seems like such a waste. I'd feel bad about enabling him, but clearly he was able to find the damn thing in canon even without the extra three parts of the cipher- map- ugly ass paintings thing narrowing down his search grid. And of course he's still missing one so I still have a shit ton of cavern to search... Either he got lucky in canon, which isn't really his style, or he must have originally thrown minions at the problem until it went away. Sorry, 'Retrieval Teams.' Bah. Bands of moronic fledges is more like it. Fucking amateurs.

But... I thumb through the folder of headshots and brief descriptions of the previous retrieval team that missed their last three contact points. The 'hazard pay' bonus I'm getting is nice, but it's a shame I won't be able to collect any of the extra money he offered if I could bring the them back in 'alive' given that they took part in my blood recycling program. It's not like I can sort their particular ashes out of my growing collection in the urn. Or reconstitute them if I could.

See this is the problem with secretive organizations. If any of them had badges that said they worked for Wilkins... I wouldn't have used them as test subjects. Granted, I'd just have staked them down in the caves instead. But hey, win some lose some.

It's hard to even say if the Mayor even knows what happened to them or not. He seemed to talk like I was just some regular human guy with a gift for spelunking. Was he just being polite? Was that flicker of surprise while my tattoos sizzled him not getting a response from some sort of demon detector? Hard to say. He clearly acknowledged the existence of the supernatural.

Of course he also mentioned that the use of guns in his jurisdiction was 'frowned upon.' I used a gun in the siege of the Amarra crypt as well as against Kakistos. Impossible to say for sure if he's referencing either or if his general spiel just includes that warning... Actually... him politely warning people off of gun usage might explain quite a few things. I suspect boxing up my munitions and reserving them for emergency home defense for the remainder of this season may be easier than dealing with a cranky Wilkins. Not like I can claim I never got the memo now.

Damned overly polite villains. Makes it so hard to tell if anything actually bothers them.

My ruminations carry me back to the house. I pause at the front door as loud yelling suddenly washes over me.

"Bitch! I will kill you!" Faith sounds angry. Not good. Normal later in the season, sure, but not good.

"Awww is little Faithy upset?" ...Why is Amy mocking an angry slayer?

"Fuck you!"

...

Okay. This can't be good. Abandoning any pretext of bothering with a key, I wrench the door knob open with brute force and force through the door.

Amy and Faith's heads whip around at the noise. They stare at me over the back of the couch. I stare at them. Behind them the AI drives Mario over the finish line to win the race.

...

"Blue shell?"

"Uh huh." They both nod.

"So, you two aren't trying to murder each other?"

Two heads shake. "No."

I look down at the door knob in my hand. I barely felt it rip right out of the door in my haste to get in. I look back at the door that's now off its hinges. "I think we need a new front door."

Amy rolls her eyes at me. "Okay. I'll call Home Depot in the morning."

I nod. "Cool. Uh... ask them if they have anything in metal." I'd go with another vault style door like down stairs but that might give Buffy the wrong idea. Okay, so she'd be one hundred percent right about my not wanting her to visit... but I doubt she'd take it very well.

The last AI crosses the finish line. Amy starts mumbling swears at the N64.

"Count me in for the race after next? I just need to tape that thing shut for the night."

Amy nods agreeably but Faith gives me an odd look. "I uh... gotta go meet B for patrol."

And just like that Faith is gone.

A touch of déjà vu here. I stare out the open door Faith ran out and then back at Amy's matching confused look. What just happened? All this over a door?

Damn it! I forgot to give her an emergency kit.

"I'll be down in the Lab cleaning up the mess Kakistos made."

 **-Winters Residence-**

I knock on the door. A loud thump answers.

"Faith? You okay in there?"

The door opens. A disheveled Faith, still struggling with her blanket cocoon stares at me. "I'm fine." She's a better liar than Amy, I'll give her that at least.

"You coming down to breakfast?"

"It gonna be orange again?" She seems somewhat hung up on that.

"... _some_ of the fruit loops may indeed be orange."

"...Okay. I'll be down in a bit." Her voice sounds a bit flat. I hope she's not still upset about the door.

"Don't take too long. We leave for school in 30."

"Right. School. Okay." The door closes and I hear Faith shuffling around.

...

I really expected more resistance there. I didn't even have to mention that it was a part of getting her emancipation to go through.

 **-Sunnydale High - Hallways-**

"Faith! Hi! It's good to meet you." Our entry into the school is brought to a halt.

For her part Faith seems a bit shocked at being hugged by Harmony.

In her defense I'm more than a touch confused by Harmony having any idea who Faith is.

"The shit just happened?" Faith asks as Harmony, hug delivered, wanders off to do... whatever it is she does.

With me lost in thought, Amy picks up the conversation instead. "You just met Harmony."

" _That_. Was Harmony? B and Red made her sound like-"

"A bitch? Yeah, they still don't really get along very well. But she's really mellowed out this year. Unicorns sneezing glitter, remember?"

I'm still pondering what I could have done to produce _that_ reaction in Harmony when we reach the principal's office.

 **-Winters Residence-**

I look at the newly installed door. It's nice. Sturdy. Made of metal so it won't-

"Amy!"

"What!?" comes the answering yell from upstairs.

"Did you ever figure out how to do fire suppression on a house!?"

"Of course I did! What did you think I was doing while Harmony was painting everything?" Amy appears at the top of the staircase looking slightly peeved.

Honestly..? I was busy hunting up test subjects and didn't give it much thought. I can't imagine that would go over very well though. "I don't know... Enjoying the view?" Amy rolls her eyes at me wanders off, back to whatever she's working on up there. On the plus side I can stop worrying about Amy's pyro-kinesis practi-

"Amy's not gay." Faith sounds rather insistent, yet confused.

"GAH!" Gods damn it Faith! I've gotten entirely too used to having my tattoos buzzing constantly if you could just sneak up on me like that. "No- I don't think she is anyway. Why? Would it be a problem?"

"No... I just thought you two were boinking."

"...No." Although- Fire bad! ... Waking up on fire extra bad.

 **-Winters Residence - Atrium-**

"Going out patrolling tonight with Buffy?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Take this with you then."

"... what is it?"

"Emergency kit. This is an Epi-Pen I reloaded with enough magic green goop to either fix, or at least stabilize most injuries. Try not to get yourself cleaved in half, but otherwise it should help. This is a road flare because... well the usual reasons. There's also some Excedrin and this thing here sends out a page letting us know you're in trouble. Then it acts as a homing beacon so we can come help you. Amy and I are still working on how to get it to work underground, but I don't see Buffy being overly enthused about showing you anything deeper than the sewers anyway."

Faith stares at the little metal tube with an odd expression, before bolting out the door with a hurried wave. Damn. It's been two days and I'm already running low on ideas for how to convince her I care.

I make my way down into the lab. At least now I probably don't have to worry about her running into Finch and having her little heroic BSOD moment. Maybe I could try some manner of sibling bonding activity? She and Amy seem to enjoy playing Mario Kart.

Picking up the Glove from where Amy and I left it in the safe after our discussion following her little break down, I set off into the caves. Maybe I can find something to vent my spleen on while I'm searching for that stupid orb thingy Mayor Wilkins wants.

 **-Sunnydale High - Library-**

While Giles is polishing his glasses for the third time, and trying to find a way to mention that Mog'tagar Demons both fit a lot of what they know about me, and also... have no soul.

Inconvenient that, or so I'm told. I don't really seem to find it a challenge. Perhaps mildly concerning in light of my newly discovered theological information, but I have two decades of father assuming he didn't have one either to fall back on. I do find the idea of being an alien has kind of grown on me though. I blame Mother. She started it. While waiting on Giles, I eavesdrop on Buffy and Faith who've paused their sparring to talk.

"Ya know, Principal Snyder warned me to stay away from you."

"He what!?"

"Yeah. Seemed to think you'd be a _terrible influence_ on me." Strange. Faith's usual mocking laughter and bravado are out in full force. It's really kind of night and day between Faith here and Faith at home.

"That- URGH!" Oh. I love it when she makes that face.

... what was that Giles? "Oh. Uh. No... I don't think I've ever teleported. I can't say I recall ever trying though." Why does that make both Xander and Willow look so upset? Did he just mutter something about Nightcrawler?

 **-Sunnydale Warehouse District-**

"Okay. Dude. That was fuckin creepy."

I pause in tossing the room the group of fledges were staying in. It proved to be a fantastic a warm up exercise for our newly expanded trio and finally seemed to be a bonding activity Faith wasn't weirdly skittish about. Err... until now. "What was creepy?"

"That laugh." Faith clarifies. Ah. That.

I summon up my best faux innocent voice. "What laugh?" What could you _possibly_ be talking about?

"Faith. I told you, he doesn't even realize he does it. Here, I brought that tape recorder so we could show him." Well this ought to be hilarious, come now Amy, you can't expect to play these games properly if you don't want to know about the gross stuff.

Amy takes out said recorder and presses play. Faith and Amy stare at it in consternation when my side of the last 10 minutes is completely absent.

I shrug. "I don't hear any laughter." I grin at Amy. Amy glares back at me.

...

"... Do I want to know why you don't show up on the tape?"

"Depends. How do you feel about needles, blood, and sex?"

"...That's a no then." Well, I tried.

"Okay." I stick my tongue out at Amy. She responds in kind at the same time. Awesome.

"You guys are fuckin weird. You know that right?"

"Of course. But you love us anyway." I hope.

"...yeah." She does a decent job of sounding happy for someone who's eyes suddenly look so sad. What's wrong sis?


	31. Part 23 – To Obsession

**Part 23 – To Obsession:**

-Winters Residence - Map Room-

I'm crossing off the sections I checked last night on the map when I hear the front door open in the other room. Who could that be?

"Hey guys! I found this and just had to buy it for you." That's... Harmony's voice? What could she possibly- "Anyway, I gotta go, I'm meeting Cordelia for coffee before school." Did Harmony just drive-by-gift her something?

The sound of the door closing again just barely precedes Faith's, "What just- The hell is this?" Yeah. That. Faith sounds as confused as I am.

"I think it's a hippogryph." Uh...

"Like Buckbeak in those books you gave me?" Amy has Faith reading Harry Pot- Harmony bought her a _hippogryph!_? I start towards the living room to investigate. You never know for sure with Harmony and shopping.

"Yeah... Just go with it. Harmony's been doing stuff like that for a while now. I have a stuffed Cerberus in my room she got me. " oh. Stuffed animals. That's... far less concerning. Also much more Harmony. "If you don't want it-"

"Back off! Mine." Faith's angry tone is spoiled by her laughter...

Well at least Faith's getting along with Amy. She still seems to get little awkward when I try to hang out with them. Spending time with her just the two of us still makes her bolt. Not that she ever acts like there's anything wrong, but suddenly she needs to be elsewhere. Makes doing the whole sibling bonding thing kind of hard.

Urgh... I paraphrase the great Mary Cooper for the umpteenth time, "you have to take your time with Faith." Damn it. At least Sheldon was fucking consistent about his quirks. Err... okay, that's not really true at all is it.

 **-Sunnydale High - Hallways-**

My walk to math class comes to an abrupt halt. Amy puts her hand on my shoulder and gives me a curious look as I suck in a deep breath.

"Something wrong?"

"Nope. Nothing new anyway." That Pete guy is just finally starting smell strange from using his rage potion is all. Grandfather and his prison warden Liam will be home soon. "Let's get to class."

Well... then again it's not quite even October yet, and the next episode was about Homecoming which is in November... so 'soon' might not be the right word. TV show time and real life don't seem to like mapping together easily. Debbie doesn't have a black eye yet. I think I saw Buffy flirting with Scott... but I couldn't summon the care to look into it.

 **-Winters Residence - Map Room-**

I stare at the wall sized map. If nothing else, and even with all the frustration it's causing me, I still think having an accurate map of the local cave systems makes taking the job worth it. The fact that Mayor Wilkins somehow stripped off the cipher before having it printed up for me... surprises no one.

"Hey. Any luck with that job for the Mayor?"

"Lots. All of it bad unfortunately. How was your night out with Harm-"

Black hair! Crap! Amy's finally snapped. I probably should have noticed something was off when she said she was going to go hang out with Harmony. But I- wait... she smells like the blu-ette chick at the coffee... Is that just hair dye?

Her eyes... okay. No blackout eyes. Amy just dyed her hair... I hope.

"You don't like it?" Sad Amy-face.

Oh for fucks sake. Even if I didn't is any guy dumb enough to say that out loud? "Actually, you look good as a brunette. It's just... uh... dark witches' hair sometimes turn that color spontaneously."

Happy Amy turns into skeptical Amy in record speed. "And that's a problem because why Mr. Crazy Vampire?"

"Because by the time their hair does that on its own, the witch is usually well past the point of being insane, and has moved on to trying to set the world on fire?" I have mentioned how I feel about fire right?

"...oh." And we're back to sad Amy.

"But it looks great! You should keep it. It's very... young Bellatrix LeStrange."

"Who?" Oops.

"Eh... not important. You look good. That black tank top is a nice touch too." Amy's smile could light up the room, so I'm guessing I correctly identified the new article of clothing.

...

I do find it strange that Harmony let her out of the store with that much black. She's usually all about the happy colors and unicorns lately.

 **-Winters Residence - Lab-**

"Okay. What is this thing and why is it so fuckin heavy?"

"This..." I pause as the refrigerator sized capacitor almost slips out of my fingers. "Is either the best damn Mana battery I could find on the open market... Or a multi-thousand dollar paperweight made primarily of metal, which is, as you said, fuckin heavy."

A paperweight so heavy I need Faith's help just to move it down the staircase to the lab.

"Just try not to fry every fuse in the neighborhood again."

"Yes Dear." I roll my eyes at Amy where she's holding the door. She doesn't seem properly chastised for some reason.

The capacitor slips a bit again. Towards Faith this time. "Hey! Watch it! I need those fingers! They're the only set I get." She gripes angrily. It's nice hearing her speak without that odd flattening to her tone she's been doing a lot lately, even if it's because she's pissed at me.

"Amy... we did explain about the green goop right?"

"...What are you people talking about?" Maybe I wasn't clear enough?

"That emergency kit I gave you. The orange tube thing is loaded with stuff that can eventually regrow your entire arm, let alone something minor like fingers."

"You were serious about that!?"

"Yes Faith. Of course I was. You're my sister. I'm not going to let some pesky little thing like dismemberment keep you down." I mean duh.

Faith does that thing where she gets oddly quiet again after that. Gods Damn It.

 **-Winters Residence - Lab-**

 **Project Bloodspark - September 22nd - Attempt 2: Stupidly Giant Capacitor– Conclusions**

\- After charging a day, capacitor was able to yield up enough power to run tattoos for half of that.  
\- Forgetting to disconnect capacitor from the house prior to conducting power draw test still blows all fuses in the house, but not the local transformers.

I reset the fuse box before Amy has a chance to notice. Looks like I'm ordering another of these guys. Actually, make that two more. Better to have extra juice left over for when one of those random pulses hit.

Now that I think about it I haven't felt one of those since around the time school started. Strange.

Speaking of school. Should the girl's have woken up by now?

...

Alarm clocks. Damn.

 **-Google's Offices-**

The urge to fidget, or spin around in my chair, is nearly overwhelming. Google's staff meetings generally go over my head when they're about computer related things. Employment issues? Good gods I don't care. I haven't the foggiest notion how human resources works outside of the depictions in Dilbert, and I can't imagine anyone wanting to emulate those.

Faith is acting weird and I don't know why. I think it's when I mention her being my Sister that she gets awkward... But I thought she _wanted_ a family. Urg, I need this meeting to end so I can drive home and get back to work on the important things in life. Maybe Faith is having trouble adjusting to the whole attending school thing? She seemed to be settling in fine, I could probably have Harmony look into making sure she's not having trouble getting along with the other kids.

...

Wait... didn't they come up with that oddball idea with the billboards at some point?

I raise my hand. "Eric, one question..."

 **-Sunnydale Caverns-**

"Why!" THUNK! "Won't!" THUNK! "She!" THUNK! "LET!" THUNK! "ME!" TH-EEEECH!

I stare from the now snapped in half aluminum baseball bat. "...Love her..?"

To the long since dead demon's body. "And you were no help!"

I sigh. I guess Mr. Wells was right. I'm going to need to order her a custom baseball bat for Halloween. Something tougher than fucking aluminum.

I toss the pieces into my backpack and call it a quits on the night's spelunking.

...Maybe I should ask Bats for advice? He's got experience dealing with broken slayers.

 **-Winters Residence - Kitchen-**

I sip at my glass of lemonade and stare at the sunrise while breakfast cooks.

Useless yellow lump that it is it starts a fight with my ring over the state of my retinas instead of providing any inspiration as to why my Faith is malfunctioning. I glare at it defiantly, relishing the sensation, as I ponder what to do now. Xander's advice of 'talk to her' would be lovely if she'd just stop running away when I try.

I don't know if it was my thinking about her or the smell of bacon and coffee that summoned her, but in what is becoming a distressing pattern Faith's voice chirps up in what I thought was an empty room. "I'm sorry. I know I should have told you earlier, but I just wanted it to be true. I'm not the girl you think I am." I spin around to see Faith, eyes downcast. "I called mom and asked, but she ain't never had a kid before me." That woman can work a telephone? "This is all some sort of mistake." What the actual fuck? "I'm not your sister. I'm sorry I let you think I was, but I'm not... I'm... just a... _mistake_." Oh. I am going to rip _that_ _woman's_ still beating heart out and eat it in front of her.

" _You_ are **_not_** a _mistake!"_ Faith's head jerks up as the sound of glass shattering echoes through the kitchen. "Don't you _ever_ say that." Faith's eyes flicker to my slightly stinging hand. "You are _not_ some girl who's name I plucked out of a fucking hat! You are Faith Dormer." Faith stares at me wide eyed. "You are the Slayer Mother made. You are my _Sister_ , _and_ y _ou will_ _ **never**_ _be a fucking_ _ **mistake**_ _to_ _ **me!**_ _"_

At some point I must have crossed the kitchen, because I'm barely 2 feet away from her. My entirely breathing is heavy with irritation despite being unnecessary now that I'm not speaking. Faith and I stare at each other nearly eye to eye, neither of us moving or speaking for a moment.

"He's right you know. Having you here has been pretty great." Amy, fucking amazingly wonderfully timed Amy, staggers sleepily into the kitchen to interrupt our momentary staring contest.

Faith's stare flickers to Amy's smile and then back to me. Eyes still wide, heart rate amped up.

Amy looks over to me and her smile fades, replaced by her exasperated Amy-face. Gods Damn It! Now what!? My tongue flickers idly over my fangs as I try to figure out what could _possibly_ be wrong _now_.

...Oh. _Shit._


	32. Part 24 – Boiling Over

**Part 24 – Boiling Over:**

-?-?-?-

Everything hurts.

...

Yup. Everything. Moving in particular.

I think someone is kicking me in the head?

Kick. "You awake yet?" Kick. Why is Amy yelling? Make it stop.

I try to say something. I think I managed to groan at least.

The kicking stops. "Here drink this." Amy yells in my ear.

I open my eyes. I close my eyes. Why is the map room so bright?

...

Why am I in the map room?

I drink some of my warm lemonade. The bizarre dull ache in my everything dims. Somewhat.

I sit up. It feels like a monumental achievement worthy of heroic ballads. Yeah. I'm definitely in the map room. "What happened?"

"You mean besides Faith staking you? In the heart. Again. Or breaking the kitchen table? Or, I don't know, almost hitting me with that chair she threw at you?"

That doesn't really explain... Hmmm. "...Yes? Besides that."

Amy huffs. "Well. After Faith got done kicking the crap out of you while you just kind of stood there... which was retarded by the way. You guys somehow decided that drinking your way through those bottles of scotch you _found_ that were older than either of you was a fantastic plan."

I stare at Amy. I take another sip from my lemonade. Nope. That still makes no sense.

"Did I have a concussion when we decided this?"

"Probably? She did hit you with that chair. A concussion would explain a lot actually."

"...Where _is_ Faith?"

An annoyed look takes up residence on Amy's face. " _Faith_. Is passed out on the couch. Can't you hear her?"

...

All I hear is- " _That_ _noise_ is _Faith!?_ "

"Yup." Amy pops the P extra obnoxiously.

"You sound upset. Is something wrong? Errr... Beyond the obvious?"

Amy huffs out something unintelligible.

"I'm sorry, not even my hearing could quite catch that. Care to try again."

"She beat me at Mario Kart."

"... I'm sorry? What?"

" _After_ drinking you under the table, and calling you a 'fuckin lightweight' I might add, she staggered into the living room and challenged me in Mario Kart. While drunk. She _won_ and then passed out on the couch as soon as the race ended. ... I think she's actually a better driver while smashed."

"Well..." I take another sip on my lemonade.

"And she's been snoring. Like _that_. Ever since."

"I see."

"You don't remember any of this do you?"

"I think I remember being staked. Then... there was yelling. And maybe crying? We did cover that I likely had a concussion yes?"

Amy rolls her eyes at me. "The school called by the way. We all have the flu."

"We do?" That makes even less sense...

"That's what I told them." Oh.

"They let you get away with that?"

"I told principal Snyder that we most likely caught it from 'that Buffy girl' and that he may want to have her sent home in case she's still contagious. I may have made his week. I feel kind of weird about that."

"... that man has a lovely hobby."

"He really does."

 **-Winters Residence - Kitchen-**

Amy and I sit in what used to be the kitchen. An exaggeration, but only mildly. Faith can be a bit of a hurricane when she's pissed, or so I gather from looking around at the wreckage.

Little snippets of memory flit through my mind as I sip at my lemonade while Amy explains what I'm missing. My headache is ebbing, finally. Sadly it's replaced by bafflement.

"So... she thought- But it takes a couple days for a vampire to get turned. When was I supposed to have been buried?"

"Oh. Right. Because _everybody_ just magically knows that." Amy rolls her eyes and gives me the 'you're ridiculous' look again. "Believe it or not, most people don't conduct studies on how long it takes to vamp a corpse." Okay. Point. I mean, that's not what I was testing but Amy won't likely care about the distinction.

"Okay and then... She thought I was a vampire that had replaced me spontaneously... and now I get fuzzy again."

"Well, then she started screaming obscenities and brained you with a chair so I guess that makes sense."

"Ah. Okay. I assume something eventually got her to stop hitting me?"

"Yeah... I think it was a combination of you laying there in the sunlight, continuing to babble on her being your Sister instead of fighting back that made her short out. Did you know that you do that weird voice thing even while half delirious?"

"What weird voice thing?"

"Your accent shifts briefly when you say things referring to your... relatives."

"Huh... I hadn't really noticed. Probably Mother's doing. Wow. I think I heard it that time."

"Uh huh."

"Oh! That reminds me. Who're the Lannisters?"

"Hello left field. Nice to meet you. Have you seen a segue anywhere?"

"Ha fucking ha. You started rambling about them drunkenly after you and Faith decided you must have turned on the same day she was activated."

"We're twins!?" That's awesome!

"Oh no! Do _not_ start _that_ again."

"... I assume we were enthusiastic this morning?"

Amy's lidded stare speaks volumes.

 **-Winters Residence - Atrium-**

Faith wakes up thirsty, but without a hangover somehow.

I suspect the Slayer essence cheats.

She seems friendly enough.

My hopes for everything working out soar.

She watches me suspiciously when she thinks I'm not looking.

I suspect she doesn't understand all the implications of my lack of reflection in more than just mirrors.

She stares at the back of my head with a strange expression while I'm pretending to look out a window.

I smile at her.

She smiles without it reaching her eyes.

I try to talk to her.

She still calls me Jack.

My hopes imitate the Hindenburg.

She goes out for patrol with B, says she'll be back later. Back. Not home.

I go down into the caves to vent my frustrations on the locals.

 **-Sunnydale Caverns-**

Damn. A dead end.

I stare at the cave in before me.

It feels distressingly metaphorical for my current situation with Faith.

I pull out my map. Well... that blocks off those sites.

Maybe over here?

 **-Sunnydale Caverns-**

It seems my limited ability with the Glove does not meet the required power of 'a tazer designed to knock out an elephant.'

I run through the tunnels back towards home.

How did those idiots make their way down there? Maybe there's another, shorter, path down from the surface?

Behind me the Nezzla Demons eventually give up on the chase. I guess not even failing to properly knock one out with a lightning bolt can motivate them to abandon their guard duty.

Well. I found some orbs. Not the orb the Mayor wants be to find. But certainly helpful.

I just need to... hmmm... I'm low on goop to be having Amy regrow an arm again.

They were able to skin the thing with that knife, so it can't be puncture proof.

I could use some sort of high caliber armor piercing rounds?

...

"Damn it Wilkins." Why must you hate such useful tools?

...Maybe some manner of oversized ice-pick?

Either way, I've finally found a way to avoid any future Kakistos incidents.

...The things we do for Family.

Faith.

 **-Winters Residence - Map Room-**

I'm sitting in the map room, trying to focus on how to retrieve the Orbs of Nezzla'Khan.

It's not proving to be a terribly successful distraction without a Nezzla Demon chasing me.

I can hear Faith come home. She seems far more relaxed from what I can tell. Happy.

I can't even manage to summon up irritation over feeling like I owe Buffy a favor for that.

I hear Faith and Amy talking in the living room, but the words are muffled by the door.

The door opens and I look up at Faith. She smiles, for the first time it seems like it reaches her eyes.

"Yo, J, Amy and I are gonna play some Mario Kart. You in?"

"That sounds fantastic."

I suspect the sun is hiding from me on the other side of the planet because it knows my smile would put it to shame right now.


	33. Interlude 7A – Buffy's Butterflies

**Interlude 7A – Buffy's Butterflies:  
**  
***POV BUFFY***

 **-Sunnydale High - Hallways-**

"Yes. Really! ...Why do you need to know my shirt size anyway?"

But Harmony is already walking away... and talking to Andrew Wells? What with the what? Are they laughing together?

...

Oh God that's creepy!

Principal Snyder is smiling. At me. This has to be a sign of the apocalypse.

"Ah. Miss Summers. I'm afraid you'll have to be going home."

"What? Why?"

"We've received a complaint that you may still be contagious. We can't have your plague infecting the other students now can we?" WHAT PLAGUE!?

"But I'm not-"

"Ah ah. Off you go now. Your teachers have been notified."

...

Well fine then.

I should probably go tell Mr. Platt I won't make it to our session today.

Halfway down the hall to his office I hear... loud yelling? And then some sort of loud crash.

I'm sprinting forward before I even realize I recognize the voice.

Is that Pete yelling about Debbie?

The door is open when I get to Mr. Platt's office. Mr. Platt is lying unconscious on the floor.

Woah. Hello Mr. Veiny Demon. You do _not_ get to beat up people in my school.

...

Is that Pete!?

 **-Sunnydale Woods-**

"... And then Giles finally managed to shoot him with the tranquilizer again. They ended up taking him away to the psych ward. It's just weird you know? Scott's been his friend for years, and never noticed he was turning into this rage monster and going all 'GRR! ARG!' on people." I finish telling Faith about my crazy day. It's nice having another Slayer in town. Even if she has been unusually quiet since showing up for patrol on my night claiming she needed to clear her head.

Faith Laughs. "Huh. Who knew school could be so... exciting?" Yeah... Where were you today? Principal-

"Oh! And! Then Principal Snyder _still_ sent me home! Because apparently I might be _contagious!_ Can you believe that little troll!?"

Faith just laughs at me. "I dunno B..." She goes quiet again for a moment as we start our loop through the woods. "Hey B? Can I ask you something?" She sounds uncomfortable.

"Of course. What are fellow one of a kind Slayers for?" Uncomfortable Faith is kind of giving me the wiggins. What makes miss 'slaying gets me hungry and horny' uncomfortable?

Faith stares at me for a moment. "Have you ever wanted something you know you shouldn't? But just wanted it so bad?" Um..?

"Are we talking like that fourth jelly donut here? Or like kicking Principal Snyder in the-"

My question cuts off when there's a crashing noise in the bushes and my world turns sideways as I get tackled by a snarling vampire.

I shove him off me and Faith grabs him immediately, slamming him onto the ground.

Faith and Angel start fight-

Angel!?

...

...

"Faith! No! Don't stake him!"

Faith pauses with her stake raised over Angel's unconscious body. "What's wrong B?"

"He's my- He's a... That's Angel. Just.. Please don't stake him."

"... Who's Angel?" Faith sounds confused, but she lowers the stake. Now...how do I explain Angel?

 **-Crawford Street Mansion-**

"Thanks Faith." We step back from the wall that we manacled Angel to in the mansion.

"Hey, I've got your back."

"Really though. I don't know if I could have done this without you."

"I'm sure you coulda B. But you don't have to, you're not alone anymore." Faith pauses looking surprised, before muttering " _We're_ _not alone_..."

I look around but I don't see anyone else here. "...You okay?"

Faith looks at Angel and then back to me. She shakes her head smiling. "Yeah. Five-By-Five B." If you say so. But then, I'm not sure if I'm okay, so who knows.

"So. What was it you wanted to ask me anyway?" Anything to think about other than what I'm going to do now. How can I tell the others? Angel is back. But oh, by the way, he's turned into a snarling cave vampire.

Faith stretches out her arms. "Don't worry about it. I got it sorted." She nods at Angel. "He good here?"

"I think so? We can block the door up just in case, and I'll come by tomorrow to bring him some blood from the butcher. But, uh... Faith..?"

"Yeah?"

"You know you can't... Could you not tell anyone about this? I kind of want to break it to everyone... gently."

Faith snorts. "Yeah, yeah, because 'hey guys! My vampire ex that tried to end the world is back and all'... you know" Faith gestures in Angel's direction where he snarls, pulling against the chains. "Total mood killer right? Don't sweat it. Everyone's got their secrets right?"

"Thank you. I mean it."

"Like I said. Don't sweat it. Anyway, I should be getting... _home._ Tell your mom I say hi for me will you?"

As Faith walks out of the mansion happily, I can't help but feel like I've missed something.

I look at Angel again.

Xander is going to be all with the freakage.

And Giles... How am I going to tell Giles?

Willow. Definitely telling Willow first. Oh. Maybe she and Amy can find a way to make sure his soul is still in there?

...Jack is going to be insufferable when he finds out about this.

A/N - I think I do a better Xander than Buffy. I just feel like my Buffy's Buffyness is a bit off... any suggestions? Proper Buffy quip-age and combat punning is actually pretty damn hard. My respect for her writers ratchets up even more every time I contemplate writing a combat scenes for her. As you can see I opted to skip them rather than do a poor imitation.


	34. Interlude 7B – Adventures with Amy

**Interlude 7B – Adventures with Amy:**

***POV Amy***

 **-Winters Residence - Kitchen :** (Set after Amy's freakout in 20) **-**

"Only if you promise it won't be super gross."

"...Okay, in that case I can explain... maybe half of what I do." Of course you can. I bet it's even less than that.

"I can live with that."

"Okay so... about that ring of invisibility I think you mentioned-" Not this again...

"Jack. Even ignoring how absolutely terrifying the idea of you being able to turn invisible is, I _just_ told you, it doesn't work that way."

"Which is truly a cause for great sadness. But what I'm trying to say is that that's not what I meant when I asked you to either hide, or make my _ring_ invisible."

Urgh. _That's_ all you want? I found a way to do that weeks ago! I sigh. "Okay, fine. And the necklace?"

"Exactly what you thought. Decoy Number 3 is a distraction."

"...Number 3?" How many of these things do you need me to enchant? I start massaging my temples to ward off a migraine.

"Yeah, I named it. See?"

You... named... your necklace? Ah. Yup, it says Decoy #3 right on the back. With a smiley face sticking it's tongue out at me. "...Why?"

"Heroes, as a rule, have a few common flaws." He begins counting off on his fingers. "1. They're easily distracted by shiny objects. 2. If you show them three cups and ask them to pick which one has the ball under it, they tend to assume the ball both exists, and that it isn't in the palm of your hand. And 3... If you let three pigs loose in the school and number them 1, 3, and 4, they feel obligated to try and find number 2 even if they know it's probably a joke." Oh right. Because we're the villains. _In a comic book._ Uh huh.

...And he didn't actually answer my question. "What does any of that have to do with you being able to survive being staked, run around in daylight, and ignore thresholds."

"Everythi-" Jack pauses and stares at me like I have two heads. "I can't ignore thresholds."

"Really, cause you made it into Buffy's house just fine." I am _not_ crazy one here damn it.

"...She invited us over for dinner. Standing invitation or something."

...

"Seriously?"

"According to the universe? Apparently it counts."

"That's fucking dumb."

"I've always felt the universe needs a better GM." He says it like a joke. But his gaze is focused on me, and he has his thinking face on.

"Okay. Stop that. Why do you freak out whenever I swear?"

Jack actually looks uncomfortable, which is alarming in and of itself. "You started doing it immediately after I spent about 24 hours rooting around in your head removing that curse. You also picked up a few of my other... quirks... at around the same time."

What exactly do you say to that?

It does explain why I haven't thought about my mother in... Goddess, I don't even know.

...

Huh. "I think I'm surprisingly okay with this."

Jack raises an eyebrow, but shrugs and moves on.

 **-Later-**

Of course I had to ask.

Of course I had to ask the if there was anything else I should know.

It's not like I can exactly say I'm surprised that the Glove might have side effects.

And sure, the morphine makes everything feel pretty damn lovely.

But really Jack? You think 'kind of itchy' is a sufficient description of what this feels like?

More like dipped my arm in liquid poison Ivy. And that's _with_ the morphine.

I hate re-growing limbs. The itchy part doesn't even exist yet to scratch!

Stupid Crazy Vampires and their stupid inborn pain thresholds.

 **-Winters Residence - Kitchen-**

I pull the brownie pan out of the oven.

I can have these whenever I want now.

Mmmm... fresh brownie smell. I'm going to eat all of these and there's nothing anyone can do to stop me.

...

Except maybe me, because these don't taste right. Blech!

I stare at the brownie in my hand. This tastes nothing like the ones Willow and I used to gorge ourselves on at her house. Okay. Maybe I did most of the gorging.

"Ooh! You made brownies?"

I spin around and find Jack staring at a half eaten brownie. "Yeah..."

Jack's face looks a lot like Faith's did when she first saw her 'alien eggs.' "They're... uh..." Awww, _my_ crazy vampire doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Suck it Buffy. "Missing... something. Actually... Hmmm... I'll be right back." Jack walks out of the kitchen. Walks out. Flees in terror from my cooking. Same thing right?

I hear the front door open and close. Wow. I didn't think they were so bad he'd need to leave the house. And where is going that he needs to take the truck?

Damn it. The closest I've gotten to a reaction out of him since his sister ran away, and it's to make _him_ run away.

...

I'm still staring at the brownie recipe when Jack returns with... Mrs. Bellevu?

Oh. Of course. Because _apparently_ I can't even make my own god damn brownies.

...fuck it. I drop the pan of brownies in the sink and wait for Mrs. Bellevu to finish. I mean, they're delicious.

 **-Sunnydale Magic Shop-**

I'm looking through the new acquisitions in the Magic Store when an adorable little kitten winds through my legs.

"Kitty!" I pick the kitten up as it mewls at me. "And who are you here with?" I ask the cat. When I get no answer, because why would I, "Did anyone lose track of a kitten?"

"...Er... me? That's my kitten." A demon with droopy skin waves awkwardly at me. I think Giles's books said they're friendly? Well, 'non-hostile' I think the watchers call it. "Hi I'm Clem."

"Hi. Amy. What's her name? She's adorable." I hand the kitten back to Clem.

"...I haven't given her a name... yet." The demon shuffles awkwardly, trying to hold onto the kitten and his bag of supplies.

"Oh."

"But thank you very much you for returning her to me. I've got to be going, I'm running late for dinner, but it was nice meeting you." Hands full, he bows his slightly and heads out of the store.

 **-Winters Residence - Kitchen-**

I walk into the kitchen, searching for any left over coffee from this morning.

"Hey guys." I wave to Jack and Harmony.

Harmony has her arm out, Jack drinking from her wrist. She waves back with her other arm.

I pour the remaining half cup of coff-

...

Wait. I take a step back and look at the two of them again.

"What are you guys doing? Are you eating Harmony?" Finally!

"Isn't it great? I've lost 4 pounds since we started doing this." Err...

I stare at Harmony. I can't even...

I go to glare at Jack but he's stopped feeding to stare at Harmony. It looks like he can't even either.

...

"I just realized I don't care. Carry on. "

I escape with my coffee. There is entirely too much blood in my coffeestream to deal with this right now.

...

Damn it Harmony! That's cheating!

 **-Sunnydale High - Library-**

I take a sip of my Coffee. Oh coffee. How I love thee. Let me count the ways...

"SON OF A BITCH!" Jack's angry shout drags me back into reality.

Nothing's on fire, and Jack doesn't look pained. Just... surprised while he stares into a book. "What?" I ask. I miss coffee-land already.

"I think I know this girl."

"Really Jack? You know a goddess?" Huh... that does look like the photo he showed me of that tattoo artist. Emily was it? She... kinda looks like Faith. Same hair, same athletic build. Clearly Jack has a type.

"Yeah, she's an incredible lay." That's not even your I'm annoying Buffy voice, it's your fond memories voice. Damn it."You okay there Amy? You look like you're choking." Oh. No. I'm fine. I just found out I'm competing with a fucking goddess.

"Coffee. Wrong tube. I'm okay." Uh huh. Really. I'm fiiiiine.

 **-Winters Residence - Atrium-**

"...my complete adoration of Misty is really from the fact that she's like a complete tomboy, hyper violent and a powerful trainer and character in her own right. But then she totally will go completely starry eyed over romantic things or makeup or clothes but it doesn't ever take away other characteristics. She goes from oh it's so romantic to shut your face in the span of a sentence or less."

My excited rambling trails off. Jack clearly doesn't care. He's still wearing that distracted look he's had all week.

...

"Did I mention she hits people with Mallets?"

"…Misty hits people with Mallets?" He sounds way more confused than this statement warrants… odd.

"Uh huh!"

"… okay fine. We can reschedule Saturday training sessions so you can watch Pokémon." Yes!

 **-Sunnydale Mall-**

I'm sitting in the food court staring at the box of hair dye I just bought while I eat my ice cream.

"You know Amy... You're not _actually_ supposed to change who you are for a guy."

I blink at Harmony. Really? _Harmony?_

"I'm not." Harmony looks at me like I'm stupid. Harmony. "...I'm testing a theory."

" _Right..._ A theory. What theory would that be?"

"Fine." I huff. "I'm testing my theory that Jack has a thing for brunettes. Are you going to help me dye my hair or not?"

"... oh sweetie... there are salons for that. Come on. Follow me." Suddenly the hair dye box is gone.

And apparently my life now includes being dragged through the mall by Harmony.

...

MY ICECREAM!

 **-Sunnydale Magic Shop-**

"Hey Clem. How's... is that a different cat?"

"Hey. Yeah. I won this one at the game last night."

"Game?"

"Oh yeah, a couple of us play kitten poker at Willy's on Mondays and Thursdays."

"Poker? For kittens?" I want kittens.

"Yeah..." Okay then.

"What time is this game?"

 **-Winters Residence - Kitchen-**

I stagger towards the kitchen. Coffee and breakfast live there.

Ungh. Jack and Faith are having some kind of argument. I push the door open anyway.

"...You are my sister! And you will never be a fucking mistake to me!" Oh yes, of course 6 AM is the perfect time for this.

He does has a point though, I would never call having Faith here a mistake. "He's right you know. Having you here has been pretty great."

I smile at Faith and then turn to Jack to ask about the coffee.

...Jack's fangs are out, this can't possible end well. I look back at Faith.

Just in time to see Faith's fist haul back before she nails him right in the face.

...

Meh. Jack doesn't seem too concerned. He's not even fighting back.

Yawning, I take a seat on the counter, out of the way of the onesided brawl, and pour myself a cup of coffee.

On my fourth sip of caffeinated goodness a large piece of chair bounces off the counter near me. "Bad Faith! No throwing furniture!"

She's ignoring- okay, I guess breaking one over Jack's head wasn't technically throwing it... I refill my cup of coffee and seek shelter in the living room.

...

Is that the phone? I'm actually amazed I can hear it over the ruckus they're making.

I walk upstairs before answering. "Hello?"

"Miss Madison? Is there a reason you and your... house mates are not in school today?" Principal Snyder's voice answers. Of course.

Yes there is. My two idiot 'house mates' are busy destroying the kitchen. Okay. Sick Amy voice time! "Oh. Sorry, I meant to call. We all caught a bad case of some sort of flu." Erm... there's no way He'll buy that... oh! "We think we caught it from that Buffy girl. You might want to send her home in case she's still contagious. It's pretty horrible."

"Well, I hope you all feel better for tomorrow. I'll inform your teachers you won't be in today." There's a click on the other end.

...

Wow. He really does sound freakishly happy when you feed him anything to use against Buffy.

Hmmm... It sounds like they stopped fighting. I should probably go let them know school is cancelled.

I open the kitchen door and see a pair of half empty bottles of scotch on the table.

...

I close the kitchen door again. I am not dealing with a drunk Jack and Faith at this hour.

 **-Willy's Bar - Back Room-**

I lay down my cards on the table. "That's a nice pair, but I have three Jacks!"

...

Errr...

Fortunately, the rest of the table is too busy groaning about losing to notice the expression on my face as I contemplate my phrasing.

I win! The box of kittens is mine.

...

Wait. _Box_ of kittens? What am I supposed to do with a box _full_ of kittens?

Ehhh... with how Faith was acting before patrol tonight I doubt Jack will even notice.


	35. Part 25 – Now What

**Part 25 – Now What:**

 **-Winters Residence-**

I go to follow Faith out to the living room when I'm brought up short by a strange smell.

Why does the living room smell like... that weird cat lady's house maybe? I take a deep breath.

Something about the current state of affairs bothers me. I'm not sure what or why. I don't think it's the kittens, but I will admit to being curious. "... why is there a box of kitten over in the corner?"

"I toldja he was gonna notice Ames." Faith... She smells... it's familiar. Hmmm...

"Yeah yeah. You did." The pair of them begin setting up the N64 as if this settles the matter.

I can't help but feel that this is not answering my question. "Again. Why is there a box of kittens in the living room."

Amy gives me a half shrug. "...Because three of a kind beats a pair?"

That makes no-

...

Actually that tells me a lot. "So... you won tonight's game of kitten poker down at Willy's Bar?" I groan as the implications sink in. "Well. The local demon population will all know about you now... or at least the gossipy ones."

Amy looks alarmed. Finally. "Um. That's bad isn't it?"

"Well... I'm not sure actually. Anything that looks into to you will probably notice that you live with a Slayer and a guy working for Mayor Wilkins. So they may leave you alone. But anyone looking to provoke either of us might come after you because you're _just a human._ " I hate not _knowing_ how things will play out from here. Damned butterflies.

"I just wanted a cat."

"Well, now you have a box of them... Actually... do you need the whole box of them for a ritual of some sort? Or was this just some sort of bizarre save the kitties from being eaten crusade?"

"Eaten!?" Wow. I got that in full stereo.

...

Oh girls... "Apparently a number of demons like the way the little bones crunch. Like a good pretzel..."

 **-Winters Residence - Kitchen : Breakfast-**

"Jack!? You okay?"

...

"Huh?" I tune back into reality. Faith and Amy are staring at me from across the kitchen table. "What?"

"Are you okay? You kinda checked out on us there."

"Sorry. I feel a bit like the dog that caught the car you know? I have no idea what to do now." Heath Ledger did try to warn me this could happen...

"Well... maybe you could try answering the question Faith's tried to ask you 3 times now?" Oh. Oops.

"What's up sis?"

"Why do you eat eggs?"

... "Because they're delicious?" Why else would I eat them?

"But don't you need like blood and stuff?" DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!

"Yes?" I answer carefully. Amy starts giggling. Traitor.

"So do you drink pig's blood like... uh-" I stubbornly resist the urge to vomit and cut her off.

"Dear Gods no! That stuff's disgusting!" Amy's giggles turn into full blown laughter while she points at me.

...

Faith is laughing at me too... The hell?

"Tha- That's the face I was... telling you about!" Amy manages to force through her laughter.

"Yes. This is my face." Apparently this is cause for another round of giggles. "Someone want to clue me in here?"

"Faith asked me about your diet yesterday. I told her she should ask you about pig's blood. You make the most horrified face I've ever seen whenever it comes up."

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny. I'm serious. It's disgusting... imagine drinking long expired milk mixed with vinegar. Vom. Even the anti-coagulants the hospital puts in their blood packs aren't that bad."

Faith doesn't seem to appreciate how distressing I find the idea of drinking pigs blood to be. "So you get your blood from the hospital?"

"...mostly..." The hospital. A bunch of locals I've thralled. I was even drinking the results of project M until Kakistos felt the need to snap her neck on his way out of the basement. Fucker. Huh... It's been a while since I've had a proper hunt.

Faith's fork stops moving. "Mostly?" She stares at me intently.

Before I can formulate a safe response, Amy begins... stabbing at her eggs like she wants to murder them slasher flick style? "Mostly! It seems _Harmony_ thinks having Jack bite her is a fantastic way to lose weight. It's cheating is what that is."

...

I'm sorry, what? At least Faith seems as baffled as I do now. "Uhhh... yeah. That. You okay there Amy?"

 **-Sunnydale High - Hallways-**

I'm walking to class while Harmony fills me in on the local gossip.

Apparently Pete had his little hulk out yesterday. Pity I missed it.

Hmmm... Also means Warden Liam ought to be in town again. I should probably avoid Buffy for a bit.

Speak of the Slayer. "Good morning Jack!" Buffy is suddenly standing in front of me smiling at me and using a faux-happy voice. Combined with her new... uh... perfume... it's actually quite terrifying. I wonder if the vanilla mortals can smell that?

"Good morning Buffy!" I answer right back in the same tone, shooing Harmony off to safety. She can finish her report later.

"You wouldn't happen to know why I came home last night and found my bedroom full of kittens would you?" She asks with that same smile and tone.

Well. I did promise Amy I'd take care of them in a way that wouldn't get them eaten. I adopt my best thinking face, tapping my chin with my finger. "Hmmm... You know, I left my door unlocked this one time and then suddenly my living room was just _full_ of kittens. Personally I blame the highly concentrated witch population here in Sunnydale, they always seem to have pet cats. I don't suppose you by any chance left your window unlocked last night?" Like say while you were out on patrol with Faith?

I wait for Buffy to look like she's about to respond before shouting. "Principal Snyder!" I walk away from Buffy, waving as I go. "I wanted to thank you for being so understanding about yesterday."

Judging from the expression on Buffy's face... Yeah. Definitely giving the weekly meeting a miss this time. I think I'll blame the full moon and suggest they all get some extra sleep. Clearly stuffing them full of food and water just before delivery was an excellent decision. I wonder how Willow faired with her share of the batch?

I still think it's odd that _every_ member of the Scooby gang has a conveniently placed tree by their window for easy delivery. I mean, it's almost as if this town were designed... oh. Right.

 **-Sunnydale Memorial Hospital-**

"Good morning Dr. Walsh."

"Ah. Mr. Winters. Right on time. We have a busy day today."

"Oh?"

"We have a new patient. Appears to have suffered a steroid induced psychotic break."

Interesting. I haven't had a chance to test out chemical effects on Thrall yet. "I'm ready when you are." I follow Dr. Walsh down the hall.

"The patient's name is Peter Clarner. He was brought in yesterday after an altercation at Sunnydale High. We currently have him restrained and sedated for both his own and the staff's safety."

Hmmm... I guess I missed more than I thought at school yesterday. It seems the butterflies kept Pete alive this go round.

Ah well, since I doubt setting the local Butterfly Gardens on fire would help, I suppose I may as well make the most of it.

It's a pity it seems I'll have to settle for the moronic junky incarnation from the George Clooney era, but still.

Welcome to Arkham Asylum Mr. Bane. Let's have a look in that little mind of yours.

Ooookaaay. And I thought _Harmony's_ cabling was tangled up. What did you do, rewire everything in here to lead to... anger?

...

Actually that explains a lot.

... I don't suppose you remember the formula in here somewhere do you?

 **-Sunnydale Caverns-**

You know. For mini-boss guardians of an important treasure, the whole moving slowly thing is kind of a giant exploitable flaw. Your design team should all be shot.

SWING! I bury the steel mining pick in the Nezzla Demon's chest as it lumbers around to face me.

Oh. Yes. That is so much more satisfying than tazing you.

I duck the thing's attempt to punch my face in. Clearly that part of its chest is _not_ where it keeps the vital stuff. Huh. I rip the pick out and try again.

Sigh. Not there either. Where do you keep your damned heart?

...

I'm an idiot.

I bury the pick in the Nezzla Demon's skull. Brains are important too. I'm sure the Nezzla Demon would agree with that if it weren't busy lying on the ground gurgling out it lasts breaths right now.

Now... where is that buddy of yours that spawns after I steal the orbs hiding?

 **-Later-**

I tap on the force-field thing with my pick idly. I wonder how long this thing has been active. Was it made by the Nezzla Demons? Or did they just set up shop here because of it?

I'll have to come by and check on it to see if it's still up and running later. I turn back to the task at hand.

Did you know that skinning a Demon and turning it into a suit is complicated?

I strongly suspect one of the Moron Trio must have known a spell to do it.

I do have a jar of Nezzla Blood to feed to a fledge sometime though. So there's that.

I think the only reason this is even remotely doable is that it seems more like a carapace than skin. It holds its shape remarkably well as I... pull... aha! One femur removed from the leg.

 **-Later-**

Unable to find the source of the force field I pull the wooden box into the Nezzla Suit with me and step back through. Maybe Amy can magic detect for it?

Okay. So. I have the box with the orbs in it. Awesome.

I do not have one of Mr. Mears's fancy unlocking magi-tech tools to break the seal though. Not Awesome.

Well, I guess Amy has a new project since smashing the box would certainly break the orbs.

I'm also reminded that I should also probably make sure Mr. Wells is staying on task for Halloween.

Placing the box in my backpack, I immediately fail my will save vs. the perfectly reasonable urge to whistle 'it's off to work we go' as I start the hike back home with my pick on my shoulder.

I can start working my way through that cave in tomorrow.

 **-Winters Residence - Kitchen : Breakfast-**

"Why do you call it lemonade?" Faith doesn't appear suitably impressed with my naming conventions. Her nose crinkled slightly as she watches me drink my morning glass.

"Because my first thought when I had some was that it was like drinking warm lemonade. It's not horrible, just very clearly not how it's meant to be drank." I shrug.

Faith goes to open her mouth but Amy cuts her off. "Don't. The answers only get more gross and make less sense as he goes on."

...

Well, she's not wrong...

 **-The Bronze-**

Man plans. God Laughs. Then Woman drags us off to The Bronze. Apparently there will be no digging in the caves tonight.

Dancing badly to horrible 90's garage band music is interrupted by Faith... holding Amy's hand to my chest while they both stare at me wide eyed?

...

"Now what's wrong?"

"You have a heartbeat!"

"Well yeah... Of course I do. Me not having one bothered Amy so I-"

So I apparently don't get to tell my story because Buffy barrels in and interrupts me. Yes Buffy, let's all focus on your probl-

"Xander's been kidnapped!"

...

Oh what the shit, Bats. It's not even Tuesday.


	36. Part 26 – Not Okay

**Part 26 – Not Okay:**

-Sunnydale Alleyway-

Standing outside The Bronze I fight off the early symptoms of a stupidity induced migraine while Willow recounts the _sad_ tale of Batso's disappearance.

"We saw Christine leave with this vamp and we went to save her. And Buffy was all with the slayage while we watched her back. And- And then this truck drove up and a guy in a cowboy hat grabbed Xander and shoved him in the truck. They drove away before we could stop them."

...

Guy in a cowboy hat? Gods save us from Lyle Gorch's idea of a 'plan.'

...

And from Scoobies who stand around to cheerlead at the open end of an alley, forgetting to look behind them.

"I don't suppose Oz can track Xander's scent?" For the number of odd looks he gives me he can clearly smell _something_. It may just be Buffy though.

"Not in a speeding truck no." Good to know.

"Well, how do you people usually find Xander when he goes missing?" It happens a few times a season after all and he hasn't kicked it yet. Not that realizing that would calm them down. Of course not.

 **-Sunnydale Roadways-**

I glance in the rearview mirror at Buffy, who opted to come with us in the truck for some unfathomable reason. She's... uh...

"Buffy? _What_ are you doing back there?"

"Making sure there's no grenades." Oh for the love of all the gods.

"There are no grenades back there. I put them away in the gun safe with the shotgun."

"...You have a shotgun?" _Oops._ I grin at the sight of Buffy in the mirror glaring at the back of my head.

"Sorry, no. I didn't bring it. It's in the gun safe, where any responsible adult keeps their guns. Can't have any of the kiddies getting into it." I point my thumb over my shoulder back at Faith.

Faith laughs. "Yeah, J's got all sortsa fancy crap labeled things like 'Faith: Do not touch. It might explode.' back home." I see her roll her eyes grumpily in the mirror. Hardly my fault that Amy instinctively knows better.

Buffy continues glaring at me while Amy turns around in her seat. "Faith. Say that again."

"...J's got all-"

Amy cuts Faith's repetition off. "Mr."

"What?" Faith's puzzled expression is matched by my own.

Amy elaborates, "Say Mr. J" Oh... Yes! Say it!

"Mistah J?" Oh! That was perfect.

Amy faces forward again, groaning. "Wow... she really does sound like Harley." Amy doesn't seem properly enthused about this, and is... muttering about feeding the hyenas? Oh. I forgot about those. Good call. I'll need to look into that. Can I thrall wild animals? I add it to The List.

"I did tell you." Multiple times now in fact.

"The fuck are you guys talkin about?" uh oh. Irritated Faith.

"Halloween. We're getting you a Harley Quinn costume." Well said Ivy.

Buffy has begun beating her head against the back of my chair. "Not a fan of Halloween Buffy?"

"Not lately no." I roll my eyes at her. Honestly, you should have picked a better costume than a helpless noblewoman. I mean really? Hadn't you _ever_ spoken to Grandfather's keeper? Under aged tavern wench would have worked much better.

"Should I cancel the order for a Kar- Zor-El costume then?" Buffy perks back up. Is it my fault if I coughed on the second syllable and let her assume I meant Karen instead of Kara? I can't see how it would be. Either way I roll right over any chance of questions. "Amy's going to be Poison Ivy. Oh! Buffy! I'm not sure who to have Oz be. Any thoughts? Sadly Wolverine is the wrong company." Nightwing maybe?

Lost in thought by my own distraction for Buffy I'm blindsided by Faith's question. "Who's Harley Quinn?" How the-

Nope. "Not Okay, this needs fixing immediately. We are going to watch the batman cartoon as soon as I find us a copy." Mr. Wells must have the show on... err... would it still be cassettes? Blech!

 **-Outside Willy's Bar-**

I stare Buffy down. Or is that stare down at Buffy? "No."

"What do you mean. No." That's an irritated eye twitch! Ten points to Winter.

"I'm not having you teach Faith your bad habits."

"I don't have bad habits!"

"Really? So you're not planning to go in there and beat the information out of Willy?" I point at the bar across the street for good measure.

"... you think _you_ have a better idea?" Technically Batso had the better idea, I'm just using it.

Hell. I could just rip the information out of his head... maybe. Or I might accidentally turn him into a vegetable. Hmmm... might make the wrong impression. More importantly, how many chances will I have to pretend to be the better person in public? "Fifty bucks says I can get him to talk faster than you could."

"You're on."

"One moment please. You guys wait here." I wave cheerfully and set off towards Willy's Bar.

I grab a stool and put a pair of twenties on the bar, tapping them with my finger. I feel like a cliché but there's a reason it works."Willy! I'm looking for Lyle Gorch. You haven't heard anything about where he's holed up have you?" I nudge him a touch with Thrall. Wonder of wonders Willy doesn't qualify as important enough to merit the Mayor's mind shielding magic.

"Yeah, he was in here earlier. Mentioned that old abandoned warehouse down on Cinnabar." Gods, sometimes it feels there's more abandoned warehouses and factories in this town than occupied houses.

I press down when he reaches for the cash, pushing in with thrall when he looks up at me. " _You're sure?"_

"Yes." Sensing no deception from him I smile and stand up, leaving him his money.

"Cheers mate. See you round."

I step out of the bar and find myself surrounded. Really people? "I gather the concept of 'wait here' was too complicated?" So much for not being seen in public with Buffy. Refusing to break stride I head off to the truck. "Anyone know where Cinnabar street is?"

"What did you do?" Buffy sounds suspicious. It's almost like she thinks I make a habit of being malicious or something. I note that she and the Scoobies do seem to be loading back into the van though, so clearly they do remember that there's still a Xander to save.

"I paid the local snitch for information." I throw in a shrug for good measure. "He's just some poor schmuck working a job like anyone else. I really don't see why you always feel the need to break his nose."

Buffy of course ignores my perfectly legitimate criticism and feigns confusion. "You paid him?" Overpaid really, but all I had was twenties because ATMs suck like that.

I turn on the brightest smile I can manage. "Not _every_ problem needs to be solved with violence Buffy. Also... technically... _you_ paid him since you owe me fifty bucks now."

 **-Sunnydale Warehouse District-**

Actual rescue operations are far more Buffy's thing it turns out. It's almost as if she has lots of practice at it...

Of course, if the local vampire population didn't consider the use of proper weaponry, or even just their brains, to be a cardinal sin of some sort, I suspect rushing headlong into the warehouse may have ended... badly. I'm reminded yet again that I'll need to keep Faith from picking up Buffy's bad habits. But there are just so gods damned many of them.

... I think I find it most insulting that she manages to pull it off regularly despite that. Who keeps turning these morons?

Still. You can't fault the girls for enthusiasm. Watching her and Faith tear into Lyle and Candy is certainly good fun, even if replacing a tired Cordelia with a fresh Faith makes it rather one sided. I can sorta understand why everyone tends to cluster around and watch in alleyways now.

That still doesn't forgive them for not paying enough attention to avoid being snuck up on. Again. I turn around and put a finger over Xander's lips when he approaches the group from behind.

The fact that he somehow managed to get himself free while we were tracking him down is just the icing on the cake of this whole adventure. He looks a bit beat up, but nothing serious.

I take a step away from the group and lean in to whisper, "How'd you get free?" Oz still catches it apparently since he looks back at us.

"Would you believe they forgot to tie me up? I walked away when they started arguing about honeymoon plans in the midst of questioning me." Xander shrugs, as if conveying this is nothing unusual. For him? It probably isn't.

"Those two? Yes I would." They didn't tie Giles up either. Oz's tugging on Willow and Cordelia's sleeve has them turning around to spot Xander as well now.

...

Honeymoon plans? "Excuse me one moment." I opt to give the happy reunion of Bats and Babs a miss in favor of playing loot ninja.

Heading outside I find their truck parked in the alleyway nearby. Yes! There it is. One bag full of various denomination, non-consecutive bills. Granted, needing to launder them may need to be a bit more literal than usual, but you win some you lose some.

I suppose given that Lyle jumped the gun by 2 weeks I may as well plan on actually being forced to attend that damned dance.

Then again... if Faith was willing to go to the dance with Buffy, maybe I can get her to take Amy for me? Be a good opportunity to get some proper science done.

 **-Winters Residence - Atrium-**

I stare at the black cat sitting on my couch.

Amy and Faith making sad eyes at me should not have moved me to let them keep one. Conduct unbecoming of a proper vampire that is. Well... Then again, I suppose William was never able to deny Mother anything either.

The black cat stares ba-

The black cat topples over into an impromptu nap. Err...

Backing away slowly I head down into the lab before either of the girls can finish their showers and confuse correlation with causation.

Being accurate this one time is no excuse for adopting poor scientific methodology.

Note to self: Housecats have less mental fortitude than even Harmony started with. I'm back to sandblasting soup crackers again.

Perhaps a trip to the zoo is in order... Hopefully hyenas are made of sterner stuff.

 **-Sunnydale Caverns-**

Minecraft kind of undersells just how boring digging out a tunnel truly is. Particularly after the equivalent of a gravelanche. Not that much this is actually gravel.

Lift large rock. Move large rock. Put down large rock. Repeat ad nauseam. I somehow can't picture Faith being kosher with the idea of minions just yet, even if this is the perfect task for them.

My timer dings. Awesome. Time to get ready for school.

...

Ungh. This drudgery makes high school seem exciting. Plus side, I should be able to pick up those tapes from Mr. Wells and start Faith's education in Batman the Animated Series today.

Passing back in through the Lab's vault door I'm struck by the fact that the lights are on. I turned them off on my way out into the tunnels.

Strike that... there's a new lamp, currently on, in the corner of the lab.

Hmmm... some manner of grow lamp over a potted flower? A very strange looking flower.

The foot wide ceramic pot has weird silvery runes running around the rim. Strange choice of pot for such a small flower.

Ah. It's labeled. Let's see... ' _Jack: Do not touch. It might bite. –Amy & Faith' _

... huh. Fair enough.


	37. Part 27 – Non-monolithic

**Part 27 – Non-monolithic:**

 **-Sunnydale High - Parking Lot-**

I contemplate walking home from school and just abandoning Sheila to her fate. I mean... she's already surrounded, clearly there's no hope.

But no... Faith and Amy are in that crowd surrounding my truck. And now they're all waving at me. I should go see what's going on. I resume my trek across the parking lot.

"Hey Jack. I mentioned we were planning to watch Batman. X-man here," Faith slugs Xander on the shoulder. She is clearly _still_ getting used to her own strength if the pained look crossing Xander's face is anything to judge off of. I almost even wince in sympathy, I've been on the receiving end of that myself during our sparring sessions.

I swear, you let a girl know your bones snap right back into place unbroken and she loses all sense of self restraint. And then she wonders why I don't want to practice sword work with her. Pity there's a distinct lack of martial arts studios in town. A proper instructor who isn't associated with the genocidal peeping toms and their silly rules would be lovely. I'll have to add it to _the list_ along with finding Amy a magic tutor so we can stop faffing about blindly in the dark when it comes to our spellwork and magical research.

I tune back in as Faith wraps up her chain of who invited who. "... So I figured we could all do dinner and cartoons. Well, except for B... she said she needed... mom time." True enough, Joyce has been pretty... Eh, what the hell.

With a nod of my head to Xander, "I guess I can't rightly deny Batso a chance to see his own cartoon." I start towards the truck.

Err, Wait... wasn't something like 'mom time' Buffy-speak for awkward shirtless tai chi with Liam a few episodes from now?

Hmmm... I should probably add a proper family tree to Faith's education. Even if he is in time out, I can't have her staking Grandfather. Mother would be ever so distraught.

As I'm opening the driver's door I hear Xander ask, "...Did he just call me Batso?"

"Ah, my mistake. I do apologize Mr. Wayne. I thought you sounded like the batman for a moment there."

 **-Winters Residence-**

Approaching the front door... I'm struck by an odd sensation. The house smells wrong. _People_ have been here. Humans... I think?

I throw my arm out, nearly clothes lining Amy, and knocking her back into Faith. "Something's wrong." Amy's indignant protests cut off at the expression on my face.

The mystery machine pulls up in front of the house. Sigh. Of course this happens on the day we're having company over.

I point at the arriving Scoobies. "Keep them back away from the house. It smells like we had company while we were at school. No doubt the house is full of... _surprises_."

Unlocking the door and pulling it open from outside direct line of fire, I'm almost disappointed when there's no explosion or blast of gunfire. Almost.

Peeking around the door frame, nothing seems obviously out of place. The strangers' smells are inside the house too though. Ungh.

I tell the crowd now gathered by the van to wait a moment and take a cautious step into the house and off to the side. My tattoos start buzzing faintly. If I weren't keyed up and feeling for it, I'm not sure I'd have even noticed. It feels different than the itching tingling sensation that Faith gives me. More like how I feel in the... hospital maybe?

Damn. Someone installed cameras, or maybe some manner of listening devices. Unless... I move around a bit. No. It's too widespread for infrared trip wires. Thank the gods.

Well, nothing for it. A large number of _spontaneous_ failures are about to occur in someone's equipment.

"Marco!" Instead of saying 'polo,' my tattoos' buzzing flares slightly. Listening devices then. A step to left, "Marco!" slightly stronger flare.

Great. I should probably go warn the others to stay out and then I get to play a rousing game of hot and cold with my tattoos... Joygasm.

I head outside. "I'm starting to think you people are cursed. I swear, every time you all come over _something_ goes sideways."

 **-Winters Residence - Atrium-**

I feel like I'm missing something important as I dump the remains of the five little devices that were upsetting my tattoos on coffee table as everyone files into the living room. "I don't suppose any of you know anything about surveillance gear?"

While everyone else is shaking their heads no, Willow starts fiddling with the bits of now dismantled electronics, picking one of them up into the light and squinting at it. "I could see if I can find anything out about the serial numbers from the manufacturer. They might keep a record of who they sold it to."

... I am not going to ask why you expect to have access to that information. Nope. Your illegal hacking is your own business. "That sounds good."

As she's pulling out her laptop, Willow's brow scrunches up slightly. "How did you find them anyway? Are you sure you got them all?" Everyone starts looking around nervously.

How to explain..? "Uh... surveillance gives me... I think you guys would call it the wiggins."

"Well duh! Being spied on is way creepy." Cordelia sounds offended by the notion. I can't say that I disagree.

I smile. "Yes... That's true. But I mean like hairs on the back of my neck standing up when I feel like I'm being watched kind of wiggins. It's hard to explain the sensation, but I basically played Marco Polo with said wiggins. Like, Oz can probably smell the intruders but could you put all the details into words?"

At the same time Xander and Amy say, "Spidey Senses."

Oz also responds. "Three humans. Lots of soap."

Impressive. I make a note that Oz's sense of smell _is_ better than mine, after all I didn't get anything more that 'human, probably plural.' "Yeah, Spidey Sense works. If there were any more of these things hidden around here I'd feel it." I pause, as if considering. "I should probably mention that to Giles. I don't recall Mok'tagar demons being able to do that." Which is sad really, they were a lovely guess on his part.

A loud knock at the door interrupts me.

"Yes! Pizza's here!" Amy bolts over to the door.

"You found a place that delivers after dark in this town?" Cordelia and I both ask in unison before looking at each other in shared confusion.

"Yeah... sure. It's called Harmony..." Amy opens the front door to reveal Harmony, with 6 pizza boxes.

"So, I just doubled our usual order, I hope that's okay."

"Wicked!" Faith rushes past me, grabbing the pizzas.

... Faith, Amy, and _Harmony_ have a _usual order_? Wow. Maybe Amy's right about me spending too much time down in the caves.

"How are you two not freaking out right now?" Cordelia demands.

Xander nods his agreement "Yeah. Am I the only one thinking about pulling his house apart to make sure none of these things are hiding there?" Judging by the looks on the others, he isn't.

Faith and Amy shrug. Faith waves Amy on, before biting into her pizza. "Jack will figure out who did it and then Faith can beat them up. Until then? I'm hungry."

I smile briefly at my little family's trust in each other, before hunkering down to make good on it.

 **-Winters Residence - Atrium-**

I sit in my chair, design notes and shotgun competing for space on the closest parts of the coffee table, while I wait for Faith to come back from patrol.

I may not have gotten to introduce Faith to the Batman cartoons, but I suppose tonight wasn't a waste. The Scoobies were even helpful if I'm being honest with myself.

Not that it's any manner of surprise breakthrough discovery that they can be used to convert pizza or donuts into research and ideas. Amy being willing to admit to having a collection of magic books, may have caught me off guard, but I suspect she wanted to show off. Getting Willow to finally admit to having the techno-pagan books from Miss Calendar made all the questioning glances worthwhile. If she eventually gets me the sales info for the listening devices, it'll be a bonus.

Really though, it was having Oz's nose to double check my conclusions on where the intruders had and hadn't been that proved most handy. That they never went near the bedrooms, and left the house practically untouched seems oddly polite of home invaders. They never even went near the safe. Sure, it's hidden, but not so well that I'd expect a trio of thieves to have missed it. Especially not thieves that could get past Amy's alarm wards, basic though they may be... Huh, Oz also mentioned that they smelled like a lot of soap...

So; Three magically aware full or near humans that use technology. Lots of soap. Strangely polite. Unless I somehow annoyed a bunch of Canadians warlocks, that sounds suspiciously like people working for The Mayor. Granted, I'm working for The Mayor, so that begs the question; Why now? Why not weeks ago when I first landed on his radar? Even as of our last meeting there wasn't any different in his demeanor to indicate we had a problem.

Rerunning said last meeting in my head... I snap-started my instant hot pack and warmed my hand up so I could shake his hand as usual. I stepped through the door, tattoos sizzling briefly as normal. Wilkins didn't even bother to look surprised anymore when his latest detection spell slid off me. I gave my report on all the various sites I'd verified did _not_ hold his maguffin, handing the paper copy of the same over to Allan. Hmmm... What changed?

Even if he puzzled his way past my little, "I'm just a vanilla mortal, pay no attention to me," routine... I can't fathom his objecting to having yet one more demon of unknown type, or even vampire, in his employ. Perhaps this is just idle curiosity?

... except no. I was probably reported as being at Willy's with _Buffy_ earlier this week because she couldn't be arsed to wait in the truck.

Aha. That makes sense now. The Mayor wouldn't want his retrieval specialist mentioning his work to the Slayer.

I return to doing the legwork on looking into a more proactive set of home defense wards. If defense by obscurity isn't working, may as well go full blown fortress mode.

I should probably also start working on some form of contingency plan in case my work with Mayor Wilkins goes sour. Damn. I was really hoping to nab that box of infinite spiders first.

Hopefully I can unruffle whatever feathers I need to before anything unfortunate happens.

 **-Winters Residence - Atrium-**

I'm still hunched over the coffee table when Faith comes home a bit past 2 AM.

Flopping down on the couch and firing up the Nintendo, Faith looks over and smirks at me. "You're still here?" Uh...

"Of course I am... I live here." I laugh halfheartedly at the absurdity of that question.

Faith rolls her eyes at me. "Ain't you usually down in the caves by now?"

"Oh. I suppose so. But I figured one of us should be home in case we had visitors again tonight. Amy would never forgive us if we let her being kidnapped in her sleep deny her a morning cup of coffee." I pause, beginning to sort out my notes and stack up the reference books. "I called the school and left a message. We all have food poisoning and won't be in tomorrow. You good with taking second watch and then sacking out after breakfast?"

"... Sure, sounds good." Faith agrees distractedly as she nails Bowser with a green shell.

"Great. We'll take the long weekend and overhaul the spells on the house." Faith's continued nodding as I speak strikes me as suspicious. "...And then after the wedding I figure you and Amy can have your honeymoon back home at Martha's Vineyard."

...And Faith is clearly checked out of reality, just nodding along as I speak.

I toss a coaster at her. She dodges without looking away from her game. Good. Her slayer instincts are at least still on watch. Works for me.

I head down into the caves, pondering the merits of Mayor Wilkins continued existence.

 **-Sunnydale Caverns-**

I think the universe has a bizarre sense of humor.

I mean really. The stupid Orb of Unrememberable Name that the Mayor wanted was in the collapsed tunnel rubble? Somehow undamaged, despite... err..

Okay. I guess that makes a limited kind of sense considering the idiot fledge that managed to get himself caught in a cave in while returning it to his boss. Nothing good will ever come from betting against fledges doing strange or dumb things. Acting as a cushion for loot can probably be counted as both.

Said fledge snarls at me, long since driven mad by hunger, pain, and isolation during his three or more week stint as organic rubble.

"Yeah... dealing with you is so not worth the bonus pay."

I stake... him? Kind of hard to tell with everything all mashed like that.

Well. This ought to help calm Wilkins calm down while I sort out an appropriate response.

Heading back home, the lab is once again lit by the grow light over that strange flower.

A strange flower that has at least doubled in size since I last looked at it, and now smells like a strange combination of something sweet like honey and... something maybe sort of like blood? Close but not, on each count. Some sort of carnivorous plant perhaps?

Well, it's good to see Amy has embraced her role as Poison Ivy.

...I wonder if this sort of living bug zapper could be made to eat surveillance bugs.

A/N- "I'm just a vanilla mortal" is sung to the tune of "little black rain cloud" by Winnie the Pooh


	38. Interlude 8A – Other side of the coin II

**Interlude 8A – Other side of the coin II**

*** Xander POV ***

 **\- Set in part 25 before Buffy confronts Jack-**

Walking into school with Cordelia, we meet up with Willow and Oz. "Hey there Wills. Oz."

"Xander! I got a kitten! Well... they were abandoned on my porch, and I had four, but my mom said I could only keep one. But I have a kitten, so, yay! I think I'm going to name her Kitty Fantastico."

"Someone left kittens on your porch?"

"Yeah, in a box. It was kind of oooky really. A knock on the door and then nobody there but the box of kittens." Seeing Oz making a confused face at something behind me, I turn around to see a tired and grumpy looking Buffy holding two cups of coffee.

"Hey Buffs... Is everything okay?"

"Buffy! Good news! I got a kitten... uh..." Buffy's eye starts twitching. This can't be of the good.

 **\- Set in part 27's research party -**

Well... I know nothing about magic defenses, or surveillance bugs... uh... pizza's gone... Why did Jack hand me a book on carpentry?

Huh. What're these pieces of paper taped to the wall? Oh... just a to do list. Uh... Wait...what the what?

A/N -  
Handwriting (Underlined means crossed off on list) - Jack's - _Amy's_ \- * _Harmony's_ * - **Faith's Before (Red Crayon)** / _ **Faith's After (Normal Pen)  
**_ I'm trying to make the list more legible. It worked much better when I had it color coded and access to different fonts.  
FFN's complete lack of formatting options kind of murdered it. Anyone that has suggestions for fixing it please let me know.  
I can't even seem to get an actual bullet list to import  
-End A/N

\- Learn how write in ancient Sumerian. * _Why?*_ Because Funny.  
\- Learn Proper Swordwork. _Maybe_ _also learn how to not almost stab me by accident?  
_ \- Firearms Training. **_Me too!  
_** \- Find Xander's Uncle Rory for truck paperwork  
\- Maps  
\- - Town.  
\- - Sewer.  
\- - Cavern.  
\- - Leyline? _Doesn't actually work that way  
_ \- - Hellmouth's Influence? _Maybe?  
_ _\- - Kanto_ **You haven;'t beaten that game yet?  
** \- Get Amy The Girls night vision goggles. - magical equivalent? _Cat's Eye goggles?  
_ \- Who is Mrs. Cole? How did she know Mother?  
\- Fireproof House  
\- Technomancy Books – Giles? Willow?  
\- Deal with Sandra's father.  
 _\- Brownies.  
_ \- Halloween Costumes  
\- - Jack Joker  
\- - Amy Poison Ivy _Fine.  
_ \- - Faith Harley **Who is this Harley chick?  
** \- -  Xander Batman  
\- - Cordelia Lois Lane  
\- - Buffy SuperGirl  
\- - Willow BatGirl  
\- - Oz * _Robin*_ **? *** _Andrew says Tim Drake was a werewolf*_ Thank you Harmony  
 _\- -_ _Harmony_ **?** _Riddler_ Okay, that works.  
\- Magic Tutors _Yes!  
_ \- Demolitions– Xander?  
\- Baseball Bat Custom order a stronger one. How did Faith still break it? _It had a really hard skull?  
_ \- Get better at Mario Kart _Don't bother. Faith still wins when drunk_ **Damn Straight I do!  
** \- Have Rory part out Gorch's Truck.  
\- Wild Empathy Testing. **Is this why I keep finding my cat unconscious?  
** \- Inform Faith that list entries should not be done in red crayon.  
 _\- Why do I keep finding my cat unconscious!?_ Soup Crackers **_WTF does that even mean?  
_** \- Martial Arts instructor(s)

"...Jack..."

"Yeah Bats?"

Yeah. I can live with being called bats. But... "Why am I on here next to demolitions?"

"Didn't you find a rocket launcher once?" How does he know about that? "Anyway yes, I've been meaning to ask you. What would you recommend if I wanted to convey a sense of 'fuck this one building in particular very very much?"

"Do I want to know why?"

"...Because nuking a city to kill one demon seems... excessive maybe? Err... I _think_ it sounds excessive... Don't you?"

Amy's rule about asking Jack questions finally pops into my mind a moment too late...

 **-Later-**

I'm flipping through the surprisingly interesting book on carpentry that Jack gave me while Oz drives us all around for Jack to check for bugs.

Jack turns around in the front seat as we approach our first stop, Buffy's house. "Just so we're clear: you all want me to come into your homes and poke around? That doesn't seem weird to you guys?"

Next to me Cordelia sounds annoyed "Yes! We're sure, don't make it sound so much creepier than it needs to."

"Okay. Okay. Just making sure... Oh hey, we're here."

We all climb out of the van and head up to the house.

Answering our knocking, Joyce opens the door. "Oh, I'm sorry you guys. Buffy's not here. Didn't she tell you she has training with Giles tonight?"

But I thought... "Actually-" Willow elbows me and Jack's hand clamps down on my should before I can finish my question. What just happened?

"Actually Joyce, we're here to see you. Someone installed surveillance bugs at my place while we were at school. We're just doing a quick check to make sure no one else got bugged. I figured we should start here, what with your daughter's work and all. Mind if we come in and poke around quickly?"

Joyce steps to the side like Buff taught her and we all file in.

While Jack walks off into the house with Mrs. Summers, I ask Willow why she elbowed me.

"I can't... Buffy made me promise not to tell anyone." What would Buffy trust Jack with but not me?


	39. Interlude 8B – Fitting Into Place

**Interlude 8B – Fitting Into Place**

*** Faith POV ***

 **-Set a night after Angel resurfaces in** **I7A** **-**

The vamp chick I'm fighting pauses. "No! The Slayer is a blonde. Like... Duh!" I stake her before she can finish telling me I'm not B. Jesus Fuck. I thought Jack was kidding. They really do just stand there to talk.

"Well fuck you too." Ungh, kind of takes the fun out of Slaying. All juiced up and nothing to vent on. Maybe I can get Jack to go a few rounds in the gym tonight before he vanishes into the caves?

"Is everything all right? I know I've been somewhat lax at showing it, but I am here as your watcher as well if you ever need anything." Mr. Giles asks. It's weird hearing Double-D's accent and even similar words coming from a strange old man who's smiling at me.

"Yeah, Five by Five." I can't tell you about most of what's bothering me anyway. B's pretty sure you'll have a heart attack when you find out about Angel being back. Nevermind the part where Jack...

Oh, what the hell, B says he's alright. "No. Actually, not _everything_ is fine." I'll just start with the really small stuff.

...

"Okay. So. Not a huge fan of this whole goin ta school nonsense. Neva have been, you know? And everyone's a Senior, so we don't have many classes together. I mean, I guess shop class is okay, but I hate math, and Mrs. Fields is _not_ helping with that. I hate having to ask for help, even though Ames and Jack seem to love explainin shit. Oh, and Jack has the two of us signed up for a gun safety course this weekend in LA, which I think Ames should have to take too, but she doesn't want to, which is dumb. And... Harmony is nagging me to wear _happier_ _colors..._ Seriously?Gag me with a spork."

I do kind of feel better now. Why is Giles polishing his glasses?

 **-Set in** **25** **the day of Xander's Kidnapping-**

I really expected her to be like one of those preppy bitches that always gave me shit back home. I guess she kind of is, but watching her rip that Lexie chick a new one for calling me weird… "You know, I think Harmony's kinda growing on me."

Ames laughs. "Yeah, she's proven surprisingly fungal."

Looking around the cafeteria, "Hey, where's Jack? I thought he had lunch with us today."

"… I think he said something about having lunch at the gallery with Joyce today."

"He's having lunch… with B's mom?" Is that why B's always glaring at him?

"Yeah. Apparently she found a buyer for one of the last pieces we had up for sale, finally." Oh.

"Oh so they're not-"

Harmony drops into the seat next to Ames, still looking angry. "Can you believe the nerve of that little sophomore!? I mean hello! With those shoes? Urgh." Harmony starts attacking her lunch, looking disgruntled.

Amy's eyebrow goes up as she turns. "You okay there Harmony? Usually putting snotty underclassmen in their place makes you happy."

Harmony glares across the cafeteria, pointing with her fork. "Cordelia is sitting with _Xander_." So what?

"What's wrong with the X-man?"

"…He's… they aren't… It's just wrong. He should _not_ be with Cordelia."

Ames and I nod at each other, and change the topic. "So. How was math class?" Why did Amy have to pick math?

…Can we just go back to talking about Cordelia? "I hate math. Stupid emancipation requirements. Why do I even need to be in school? It's not like Slayers make it past 20."

Across the table, Amy's lunch catches fire, again, as her eye starts twitching. "What!? No. You can _not_ think like that. Fucking watchers."

Harmony dumps out her water on Amy's lunch, before pulling out one of those cosmic brownie things and handing it to her, rolling her eyes.

"Hey. It's true… and what about the Watchers?" Leave Diana out of this.

Ames sighs. "Jack has this whole rant he goes into sometimes about how slayers that ignore the idiots on the council live far longer. I think he means the council's leaders, not like Giles or Diana. I don't know, you'd have to ask him about it. But no more talking about dying young from you. Understood?" She says while chewing on the brownie. Harmony nodding along in agreement.

"Yes, Mein Führer!"

"… You've been watching those World War 2 specials with Jack again haven't you?"

"Yeah, he-" I'm cut off by Cordelia arriving at the table.

"Hi girls. Don't forget to vote for me for Homecoming Queen." A big smile... and she's gone again.

Harmony glares across the room again. "See? Xander is clearly affecting her memory… _I'm_ going to be Homecoming Queen."

"Yes Harmony- Jinx!"

Ames and I stare at each other for a moment before we all burst into laughter.

 **-Set the morning before** **27** **-**

Walking into the library I don't see Giles in his office. "Yo G-man! I got that report for last night's patrol you wanted."

I spot Giles walking out of the reference stacks. "Yes. Quite. Just give me one moment to find a pen..." He trails off as I hold out the report. "This is already typed." Duh?

"Yeah, J says my chickin scratch ought to be against the Jenifer Conventions."

"I suspect he said Geneva... I'm sorry, I seem to be having trouble with the idea of a Slayer who types up her own reports."

"Oh. If it makes you feel better, Harms typed it out for me. She's wicked fast on the... why do you call it a death machine?"

"You have _Miss Kendall_ typing..." He begins polishing his glasses. Jack said that was Giles for... annoyed or confused?

"Somethin wrong G?"

"I suppose I shall have to expect seeing her on Wednesdays?" Ah right. X-man mentioned that Harms and Red are, 'un-mixy.' Californians are wicked weird.

"Nah. I don't think the library is really her scene. She and Ames were just still up watching Wormhole X-treme when I got home, and I think she offered to do the typing to escape the campy sci-fi." Not sure why that show bothers Jack so much. "Oh! Speaking of Harms though, not to alarm you, but she's decided you need new clothes. Apparently tweed is _not_ in fashion anymore." I roll my eyes and try to suppress a grin. "She may attack you with a measuring tape sometime this week. " Keeping a straight face on that last line is just impossible. G looks legit terrified.

 **-Set during the long-weekend overhaul mentioned in** **27** **-**

Lugging the giant potted plant up the stairs out of the basement, I just… "Really Ames? I just don't see it."

"See what?"

"How is this thing supposed to become Bulbasaur?" It just looks like a weird ass flower.

"Oh. It isn't. I just wanted to know if the runes worked. Biomancy is trickier than I thought. Stupid living things don't want to just do what I say."

"So, what were the runes supposed to do anyway? Cause they just look like random squiggles to me."

"Oh, the entire pot is like a mini sacrificial altar. Things dying on it charge it up and then it makes the plant grow. Every time the plant lures a bug in and eats it, the spell gets a little stronger."

"How big is this thing going to get?" It already fills the whole pot.

"Not sure, it was almost fully grown when we planted it… and now it's what? 4 times that size? It'll probably stop growing when it gets too big for the runes to register the bugs dying. Hopefully then I can get Red to bring the dead mice to the plant instead of leaving them on my pillow."

I have to laugh at the face Ames makes. "Rum hasn't done that to me yet." I set the pot down in the small hole Ames and I dug out for it earlier.

"I still can't believe you named your cat Rum."

"Cause Red is so much better. You're a little obsessed with that game you know that right?" And you definitely found it far too funny when I said that Red was what I call Willow. You'd think the two witches in town would bond, but what do I know, I'm still new to the whole having friends thing. Could definitely get used to it though.

"Shush you. Oh! Watch, see the bee lands on the flower and gets stuck?"

"Yeah. It looks pissed off. Can't say I blame it, bein trapped by a fuckin flower."

"See the runes starting to glow?" The glowing flashes brightly. "Now, the- err, that's not supposed to hap- Oomph." I grab Ames and haul her back. Away from the now pissed off and fucking _giant_ bee.

"You never said nothin about bees the size of fuckin baseballs!" I carry her back towards the house.

"Hey! Put me down. We have to catch it!" With what? Your bare hands?

"No we really don't!" I _hate_ bees. Why do my friends have to be mad scientists?


	40. Part 28 – Competing Interests

**Part 28 – Competing Interests:**

 **-Sunnydale City Hall - Mayor's Office : Sunday Evening-**

Walking into The Mayor's office for our weekly meeting, I feel the detection spells on his doorway wash over me. As with every meeting prior, the spells feel slightly different this time. Wilkins presumably varying and refining his efforts to get me to register as something. My refusal to register as anything at all is probably why he proposed these weekly meetings in the first place, to give him more chances to study me. Pity I can't force false positives.

The itching sensation crawling around my body courtesy of my tattoos tells me I've won yet another round in this particular mini-game, but I'd hesitate to call the experience pleasant. For what feels like the umpteenth time today I debate the merits of simply shooting him in the head and being done with it. Regrettably, as with every time before, I discard the notion almost immediately as I'm not certain it would actually kill him. After all, merely wounding an immortal sorcerer tends to make them rather understandably cranky.

"Ah Mr. Winters. Always a pleasure. Alan tells me you have good news for me?"

Digging the Maguffin out of my pocket, I place it on his desk. "Only if I'm correct about this being the orb you asked me to track down."

Ah, now that cracked his facade, if only for a brief instant of puzzlement. Odd… Perhaps the orb itself should have shown up on whatever scan he had aimed at the doorway? Inconvenient that.

Wilkins examines the faintly glowing greenish sphere for a moment. It takes me a moment to realize that there's a faint tingling I can just barely sense that isn't even coming from my tattoos. Suppressing a sigh, I make a mental note to add determining whether I can passively sense active magic near me to my ever-growing list of shit to do. I have the sinking suspicion that my being able to feel it even from here is not something I should find comforting. Probably says more about the level of power Wilkins wields than it does about my own magical sensitivity.

The sensation abruptly cuts off, and Wilkins's attention focuses back on me with his standard congenial smile. "Well done Mr. Winters, I daresay I was not expecting you to actually recover this so soon. I was expecting it to take you until Christmas at the earliest."

I'm unclear if I ought to be feeling complimented or insulted right now. I settle for a little of both. "One of the many perks of hiring professionals. We tend to do our jobs."

"But where do you find the time? Between school, interning at the hospital, and running around with the Slayer, you must be a very busy young man." Oh he noticed that did he? Err...

"The Slayer?" The? Not a Slayer, but The Slayer? Interesting.

"Oh, don't play coy. I have it on good authority that you and Miss Summers' little crew are responsible for the recent disappearance of a Mr. Lyle Gorch and his new wife... Candace was it?" Well, if you want to read my confusion over your accidentally admitting to a lack of omniscience as being coy... I'm certainly not going to correct you.

I roll my eyes. "Ah, I'm afraid that was a hazard of the attending high school business you mentioned. The Gorches kidnapped a friend of mine, which struck me as terribly rude..."

 **-Sunnydale City Hall - Parking Lot : Late Sunday Evening-**

I leave City Hall pondering the rollercoaster ride of a meeting I just left. I suppose my not inconsiderable efforts to hide my true nature were bound to have side effects eventually. But honestly, reassuring someone that I'm not secretly a white hat really ought to have been much simpler. But with Wilkins unwilling to forfeit our game by asking, and myself unwilling to say what I am...

I Sigh. I probably owe Buffy another _favor_ for providing me with such a bottomless wellspring of genuine irritation to channel into my denial of any such accusations. Maybe I can try and set her mom up with someone who isn't a serial killer... That'd be a good deed right?

I glare down at my dubious evidence that I succeeded in managing Wilkins' concerns. Once again, I find myself in possession of the damned maguffin, because what self respecting fetch quest doesn't chain into a Fed-Ex quest? I probably ought to take precautions against discovering that there's a side order of Rosencrantz & Guildenstern to my new mission of trading the orb for a Box of Gavrok. Chartering me a private plane to Budapest may be an expensive means of being rid of me, but not impossibly so given what he's already paying me.

Speaking of being rid of me... I'm going to miss the whole Band Candy episode if I have the dates right. Err... wait. I killed Mr. Trick. Contacting Ethan was his idea... Hmmm... I wonder what arrangements Mayor Wilkins will make now that he's left to his own devices.

...

Perhaps being out of town for that is for the best. I may even want to take Amy and Faith with me to Budapest.

Yeah... I think the Winters clan will be giving that whole week a miss.

 **-Winters Residence - Kitchen : Tuesday Morning-**

I find myself staring across the breakfast table at Harmony. She's got a stuffed snake tucked under one arm and a number of what I believe are called garment bags in her hand.

I'm left wondering a number of things. Why does she have these things? Why is she here before either Faith or Amy have even woken up? How did she even get into the house, because I'm fairly certain replacing all the exterior doors included changing the locks...

I start with the most important question though. "What do you mean no?" I swear, she's picking up Amy's bad habits almost as fast as Faith. You can't just walk into the kitchen, point at me and declare 'no' without some form of context.

"No." I can feel my fangs start to twitch. "You can't wear that." Err-

"What? Why not?" I look down at my standard black tee shirt and jeans. There's no blood on either of them. "I wear stuff like this every day."

"But _today_ , is _picture day_. You have to look nicer than usual for picture day."

...

I get the distinct impression that telling Harmony I don't show up in photographs would not help me here. Fortunately, Amy staggering in and wandering towards the coffee machine provides me with a suitable distraction.

 **-Winters Residence - Atrium : Moments Later-**

"Better?" I ask the three mutineers on the couch as I walk back into the kitchen in the dress shirt Harmony had picked out for me.

Honestly, the speed with which they all rallied around Faith's 'if I have to dress up then so does J' was rather disturbing. I'm feeling rather tempted to suspect premeditation.

"Much Better. We're all going to look _so great_ in the yearbook." Harmony looks entirely too pleased with herself.

...

"You do realize I can't have my photo taken right?" Amy's exasperated expression trades places with Harmony's amused one.

Standing up, hands on her hips. "Really Jack? There's paranoid and then there's ridiculous. It's a yearbook photo." Apparently she still takes offense to something about my appearance because she starts fiddling with my collar while clucking at me. I resist the urge to swat at her in favor of bursting her bubble.

"No, not 'I don't want to,' I literally cannot. As in I don't show up in photos. May as well be invisible."

Faith glares at me. "...Seriously?" What you think I'm just trying to get out of picture day... okay, I suppose that does sound like me.

I fish the Polaroid camera out of the desk drawer and hand it over. "Harmony? Care to do the honors?" I grab Amy and Faith and pull them up, throwing an arm around their shoulders, and stick my tongue out at the camera just in time for the flash to go off.

Faith and Harmony stare at the photo of Amy, caught mid eye roll as she stands with one hand on her hip, the other pointing at Faith. And of Faith, glaring at the empty air between them, looking like she's struggling to escape.

"Well done Amy, it looks like you're holding Faith with a spell."

"Yup." Amy grins.

"Ooh. Want to see something really weird?" I pick the now halfheartedly protesting Amy up bridal style. "Take another. No, wait!" I spin around, " Faith, hop on." Once Faith is situated on my back, I turn back to face Harmony.

When the flash goes off Harmony shakes out a photo of Faith, floating in midair. Amy and I nowhere to be seen.

"Before you all ask; As far as I can tell it's because magic is fucking weird, and loves to nitpick. I don't really get it either. Now, everyone, into the truck if I'm driving you to school." I open the door.

... Nope!

I close the door.

"Would anyone care to explain why there's a yellow jacket the size of a baseball flying around in front of the house?"

Three carefully blank stares answer my question. Their innocence made even more unlikely by the giggles coming from Faith and Amy.

"I see."

 **-Sunnydale High Hallways - Before First Period-**

"It's supposed to be a Basilisk, but it turns out that traditionally Basilisks are these lizard things with legs and not snakes, so I got a stuffed King Cobra." Harmony manages explain, without actually explaining anything, as we walk into school.

"Harmony, it really isn't necessary to feed Jack's ego by calling him a king. It's plenty inflated already." Hey! That was uncalled for Amy.

"Oh, but for snakes king just means that it eats other snakes. Like Jack does... you know. See, it fits." Again, hey! That is not my fault! They're all just too fucking stupid to let live. She makes me sound so... selective, about the whole thing.

"Really?"

"Yeah." Harmony takes note of the surprised look on Amy's face. "What? I like animals."

"...why do I have a stuffed Cerberus?"

"Well, you wanted a g-" Harmony's answer is cut off by Buffy running up and grabbing Faith.

"Faith! You're late for sparring pract- Why are you all dressed up in matching blues?" We match? I mean sure, we're all wearing something blue... and something white... but... Meh... I blame Harmony.

"No! Faith will _not_ be sparring this morning. Hello, It's _Picture Day._ Like _,_ Duh!" Harmony does not sound like she appreciated being interrupted. She grabs Faith's other arm as if she could stop, or even slow down, Buffy in a tug of war.

Buffy's expression whips through irritation into horror. "It's picture day today!?"

...I really shouldn't... So of course I chum the water. "Yeah... Wasn't Cordelia supposed to tell you?"

 **-Sunnydale : Thursday Afternoon-**

I knock on the door of the house the dart landed on this morning. A middle aged man in worn clothing answers the door.

I make sure to meet his eyes and try to channel Buffy's sheer chipperness. "Good morning! Do you have a moment to talk about our great and wonderful savior Eris?"

Sadly I'm not sure I'm physically capable of matching early seasons Buffy in the chipper disposition department. I may even be allergic to such attempts. Or maybe it's just that no one ever seems to want to discuss religion these days. Either way Mr. Randomly Selected looms out to try and intimidate me into leaving. "No I," Just a bit more... "don't wan-" Perfect. His face clears the protections of his home.

His irritated order to go away cuts off abruptly as I meet his eyes and thrall him to agree. ' _You want to hear all about Eris.'_ He starts nodding agreeably.

"Eris you say?" He asks, suddenly sounding properly interested.

"Oh yes. Err, do you mind if I come in so we can chat like civilized folk rather than standing around on your porch?" He nods again. "That's the spirit!"

I pat him on the head as I walk into his house. Whoever wrote the invitation rules was clearly having an off day. I can't force someone to give me an invitation directly, but I can make them want something enough to invite me in of their own free will? What manner of addled mind came up with that?

Oh look! He even has a wife too. How very nice for him. "Hello there! _Have a seat. We have a lot to talk about._ "

Mr. and Mrs. Randomly Selected sit on their sofa. My stomach gurgles.

I guess he doesn't _need_ to have a wife. Hmmm... choices choices.

A mysteriously missing wife might really sell the whole story. Or maybe he does the wife first and makes a nice mess? Oh, I do so love when all the little details in a story come together. Shame she might need to be found during the investigation. Really kind of limits me to about a pint for now.

Holding up the photos I took of the people living in the house the other dart hit, I begin my dry run. "Now. _I have some photos I'd like to show you._ I should probably warn you, _you may find them upsetting._ " And if not, you will soon enough I hope.


	41. Part 29 – Halloween

A/N - Amusingly, this first scene is a very slight paraphrasing of a conversation I had with my Beta before writing it.

 **Part 29 – Halloween:**

 **-Winters Residence - Kitchen : Friday Morning-**

Amy settles in at the kitchen table with her second cup of coffee. "So. What are we actually doing for Halloween? You haven't told us anything beyond the costumes."

... _that_ would be what I forgot.

"You didn't bother to plan past costumes did you?" Amy's expression and tone turns from exasperated to happily amused. "I suppose we're going to The Bronze then?"

No! I Refuse! Going to the Bronze on nights the Dingoes aren't playing is a level of torture normally reserved for the Fields of Punishment. Think faster Jack! Hell, even... oh. Duh.

"Don't be ridiculous Amy. People can always go to The Bronze, I think Halloween should be at least a little more special, don't you? We're going to Caritas."

...

"We're going to a demon Karaoke bar? You're going to bring two Slayers into a bar full of demons?" Across the table, Faith's chewing slows down as a rather feral grin crosses her face.

"Even better, I'm going to bring Buffy to a bar full of demons she won't be able to punch. Remember? The bar has a spell that prevents violence."

"Aww..." Faith sounds rather disappointed about it too. She mutters something about silly feuds and goes back to eating.

"I thought you said humans weren't affected, that it only stopped demons from doing violence."

"True enough. Straight up vanilla mortal humans are exempt, but Slayers are all part demon."

" ** _WHAT!?_** " Faith's mouthful of half chewed cereal sprays across the table.

"Oh, I'm sorry Faith. I thought you knew about that... Wait how did you think they originally created the Slayer line?"

"Umm... I nevah thought about that."

"Well then." I do so love discussing History. "So the shamans that would one day become the original Watchers take this little girl right? And they chain her down in this cave and shove this Shadow Demon into her..."

 **-The Gallery - Joyce's Office : Friday - Lunchtime-**

Leaning into her office, I see Joyce working on some paperwork per usual. "Hey Joyce... Do you have a moment I could borrow?"

She looks up. "Jack? What brings you here today?"

"Well, I'm planning on taking the whole gang out to LA this weekend. And I was hoping to invite you along personally, since I know the idea of Buffy disappearing to LA is something of a nightmare for you."

Joyce plasters on a smile that looks quite forced. "That's very sweet of you, but I wouldn't want intrude on your Halloween plans."

"Don't be ridiculous. The Halloween party at this Karaoke place runs until 4 AM, so I booked up a section of a hotel for us to crash in and rest rather than driving home while exhausted. So you'd 'officially' be there to chaperone." I make an exaggerated showing of the air quotes on officially. "Besides, I already bought you your ticket to a showing of 'Phantom of the Opera' at the Geffen Playhouse. You did say it was a favorite of yours. Come on, say you'll come with us, have some fun, and keep a covert eye on your daughter while being able to honestly say it was all my idea."

"I don't know..."

"Hey, Added bonus... you'll get to watch Giles suffer through trying to stiff upper lip British his way through a play that is very much _not_ his favorite... Think of it as your way of _thanking_ him for dragging your daughter into this way of life we live."

"Oh... Okay fine. I'll come along."

"Great! Try to be at the house tomorrow by around 6?"

 **-Winters Residence - Atrium : Saturday Afternoon (Halloween)-**

I open the door, already in my Joker costume. "Hello everyone. Thank you all for joining us tonight. Faith and Amy have your costumes so please see them first. Except for you Joyce, Harmony has yours in the kitchen."

Buffy at least waits for her mom to head into the kitchen before grabbing my arm and spinning me away from my fantastic view of Harley and Ivy to start hissing at me. "You invited my mother?"

"Well of course I did. You didn't think your mom was going to be okay with you running off to L.A. again without her did you?"

Buffy's mouth opens and closes a few times before she settles on glaring at me.

"Oh relax. It's not like she's coming with us all night. I bought her tickets to a theater showing of 'Phantom of the Opera' and dinner reservations at a fancy restaurant Harmony says is supposed to be very nice." I smile as the doorbell rings. "Oh! That must be Giles."

"…Giles?"

"Well, I wasn't about to send your mom to dinner and then the theater alone. Gods, how depressing would that be?

"You set my mother up on a date? With Giles?" Buffy's tone sets off all of my 'DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!' alarms.

I take a step back, making sure I'm outside of strangulation range before I reply. "It's not a date, It's just dinner... and then a show at the theater."

"That sounds an awful lot like a date." Well of course it does.

"Well, if I didn't make the arrangements there was no telling who she might meet while exposed to _the public_. I mean, I'm at least reasonably certain Giles isn't secretly a serial killer. Err… Unless there's something I should know?"

Buffy does not appear to be willing to go so far as to declare Giles a serial killer in her efforts to deny Joyce a life. She flounces over to claim her costume while I gear up for round 2 when she notices its SuperGirl instead of PowerGirl.

"Okay, now as you are likely all aware, Superman was unable to join us tonight as he's still being all Mopey McBroodypants up in his fortress of solitude after his most recent run in with Darkseid. On an unrelated note, Clark Kent called and cannot join us due to a severe case of the flu. As such, Lois Lane will be escorted by Mr. Wayne tonight-" Xander holds his hand up like we're in class. "…Yes Xander?"

"Why is my costume so heavy?"

"Oh, that's probably the Kevlar lining under the breastplate."

...

Xander stares at me."...What with the huh and the why?" Really people? Strapping it onto the local demon magnet seems like a perfectly reasonable way to field test combat armor to me.

"Oh for the love of all the gods." I pull out my pistol, point it at Xander, and pull the trigger.

Impressively Buffy manages to make it halfway across the room at a dead sprint before the big red flag unfurls. BANG! Of course, even though I'm fairly certain she now realizes it's a prop, Buffy tackles me to the ground anyway. Considering Bats would have been dead before she got to me if I'd used my real pistol, I choose to count it as a victory.

Then again, I now have _Buffy the Vampire Layer_ straddling me. Do not want. "No means no Buffy! Gods!" I don't even have to fake my absolutely horrified sounding voice.

...Thank you Joyce for choosing such a perfect moment to see what all the commotion was about.

 **-In the Truck : A Short While Later-**

Pulling out of the driveway with Oz and Joyce convoying along behind me, the back of my head gets smacked hard enough that it could only be Faith. "How long have you known?"

"Gods, what is it with you girls and questions with zero context?"

"How long have you known about... _Superman_ bein back? Willows been glarin at me since your little speech. She thinks I spilled the beans." Willow knows about Angel already? That's... different.

"Oh... was that a secret? I figured it out the morning after he arrived I think, I mean, you came home smelling like him and Buffy. I didn't know Willow knew, but assumed Oz did since his nose is even better than mine, unless Buffy's 'Eau de Cat' has kept him from paying any attention to how Buffy smells." Actually... Come to think of it, already having known about it might explain why he never spoke during their original 'intervention' after Xander caught them.

"What are you guys talking about?" Amy asks, wearing her annoyed face. She looks lovely in Ivy's skin tight green leaf outfit, and the annoyed face really sells the character.

"My..." I force my mind back up out of the gutter, and face forward again, lest we crash. "...Grandfather's keeper is in town."

"Oh... okay." Amy nods. "Yeah, I don't care anymore."

Harmony, who's been oddly silent tonight, finally speaks up. "Well I care! Jack deliberately paired _Xander_ with Cordelia. That is _not okay."_ ...Really? That's why you've been giving me the silent treatment?

Amy bursts into laughter. "But Harmony... Apparently Superman is Buffy's boyfriend. Bets on your two rivals for Homecoming Queen getting into another snit when they realize just what Jack's implying?"

"...Ooooh... Okay then. In that case, I forgive you." She pats me on the shoulder.

Faith finally manages to cut back in between Harmony and Amy. "Hold up! Eau de Cat? Is that why he always makes those weird faces at her whenever B ain't lookin?" He does? Oh that is just wonderful...

 **-Arriving at the Motel-**

Cordelia looks at me with what I think is supposed to be a stern expression. "Jack... This is a _motel_."

I smile at her as disarmingly as I can. "Is it? I've always been a tad fuzzy on the distinction between motels and hotels." She does not seem appeased. Climbing out of the car behind her mother, Buffy looks similarly confused. "Now, let's all check in before the front desk closes down or Joyce and Mr. Giles run late for their reserva-"

" _Why_ do we need motel rooms?"

"Gods Cordelia, suspicious much? Relax. I mean, would I really have brought Giles if I was throwing a roman orgy?" I shake my head and suppress a grin at the glance Buffy gives her mom before glaring at me when she catches my comment with her improved hearing. I raise my voice so everyone else can hear me too. "We're at a hotel because driving 2 hours to get home at 4-5 AM struck me as a terrible plan and the other _grownups_ agreed with me."

"Other _grownups_?" Cordelia sounds offended at the implication that she doesn't count.

Holding up one arm, "Please raise your hand if you're over 18?" Oz raises his hand while Joyce and Giles just stare at me looking amused. "See? Grownups. Please also note that they're the ones that have to do the driving." I choose to take Cordelia rolling her eyes as acquiescence, and get on with the show. "Now, since I can't have couples bunking together, Kara Zor-El will be bunking with her mother instead of Batgirl, who will be with Lois instead. Batman and his adoptive son Robin are likewise together. Giles gets the single next to Joyce since they'll be running their own schedule separately from us. Which puts the rogues' gallery in the remaining two rooms."

"You seem to have forgotten to include a room yourself on that list."

"Err... Why would I need a room for myself?"

"Were you seriously expecting me to let you sleep in a room with three girls?" Joyce manages to put a _lot_ of disapproval into that baseless accusation.

"Oh, no. I don't sleep... ever. I'm not sure if I physically even _can_ sleep. I was planning on running some errands and grabbing brunch for everyone so we could all eat together before we drove home."

Giles begins polishing his glasses. "You don't need to sleep? You know, you might have wanted to mention that when we were trying to narrow down your parentage."

Oh right. "Uhhh... Oops? Would that make now a good time to mention that I also don't show up in photos, videos, or even voice recordings?"

 **-Stairway to Caritas-**

"Okay everybody. Here we are, Caritas. I hope you all at least _try_ to behave yourselves." I stare pointedly at Buffy for just long enough to annoy her before setting off down the stairs. "Behold, the wonders of peaceful co-existence."

Walking in I see we're not the only patrons in costumes. Excellent. Immediately heading over to the bar, I try to warn Ramone... That I will happily accept the water he puts down in front of me just as I arrive. One day I _will_ figure out how you do that Ramone. Mark my thoughts, this will be done... somehow.

Lorne sits down next to me as I try to wave the Scoobies in. "Winters! I must say, you suit your character very well. "

I do believe you just called me crazy... I'd take offense, but I did just walk in with a pair of Slayers. "Why thank you Lorne. I'd try to introduce you to some friends of mine but they seem to be rather dumbstruck by your establishment." To be fair, I gave the Scoobies zero warning about what _type_ of Karaoke bar we were headed to beyond explaining that there was magic in place that would prevent violence... "Oh, it looks like Amy has given up on trying to drag the others along. I do believe you've both spoken to her on the phone before?"


	42. Part 30 - Halloween II

**Part 30 - Halloween II:**

 **-Caritas : Late Saturday Night-**

While Amy starts ordering drinks for a pair of soon to be occupied tables, I watch the traffic jam at the entryway with amusement for another moment.

But, as much fun as it is to watch Faith try and fail to drag Buffy towards the bar... A lot of tonight's lesson hinges on them making it past the doorway and seeing that not _every_ demon is obsessed with causing the end of the world.

I turn back to exhibit A. "Well Lorne, it seems the mountain doesn't want to come to us. Let's go say hi, shall we?"

The unwitting poster boy for co-existence and I make our way towards the Scoobies.

It feels... really nice... to know that I'll have a plan B up and running _before_ my current charade has a chance to come crashing down around me.

 **-Caritas : Early Sunday Morning-**

Harmony drags the Winters clan girls off for a stereotypical group trip to the bathroom. I find I can't really fault their logic for once, wanting to stick together in a demon bar makes a certain kind of sense.

I stretch out and look over to the next table where Buffy and Cordelia are looking through the song book while Xander and Oz stare in horrified fascination at the overweight vampire singing a song by Britney Spears.

My momentary solitude is interrupted by Willow stealing Amy's now empty seat so she can lean in and glare at me properly. "Jerkface Middle-Name Winters!"

I suspect I'm being subjected to a variation of 'resolve face,' but I find myself blissfully immune to her opinion of me. I wave cheerfully back at her. "Willow Danielle Rosenberg."

She blinks once, probably because she has never told me her middle name, but then rolls right along with her lecture. "You're a super maxi-jerk for teasing Buffy like that!" She hisses out, apparently trying to keep her volume below the not so dull background murmuring of Caritas.

...

"Err... Not that I expect this will help my case at all, but given how very often Buffy and I... Well, I'm really going to need you to be at least a tad more specific."

" _Superman_ is being all Mopey Mc ** _Broody_** pants in his _fortress of solitude_? How long have you known Angel was back at his mansion? What did Faith tell you?"

Pretending to be properly angry while glaring back at Willow is a struggle as I'm rather overly fond of that little bit of word play. So, I opt to focus on the accusation that bothers me the most. "Okay. First of all, my sister didn't tell me anything." I'm rather conflicted about that. Her and Buffy getting along and trusting each other is likely to help keep them both alive and saving the world. But I would have liked to think she could have told _me_. "In point of fact she's already yelled at me for this, so you can kindly leave her out of it."

I draw in another breath and roll right over any protests Willow might have to that last point. "It really wasn't even that big of a logical leap. Faith and Buffy both start showing up smelling like the same vampire over and over again without complaining about failing to slay it? Buffy starts acting all squirrelly, starts asking Giles about people returning from hell? And, making her mother worry she was going to run off again by the way. Buffy isn't exactly in the running for daughter of the year here. Hell, why do you think I dragged Joyce out with us tonight?"

Willow leans back and crosses her arms over her chest without breaking resolve face. "You're still a jerk for taunting her about it right after Scott broke up with her."

I roll my eyes. "When have I _ever_ denied being a- Wait, Scott broke up with her?" I didn't expect that to happen until next week.

"You didn't know? But... you didn't invite him along tonight."

"I didn't invite him because he's a fucking tool-shed. Not because- I really had no idea they'd broken up." Hell, I didn't even invite Mr. Wells or Levinson along. They didn't seem to mind though given that I paid for their Mr. Freeze and Scarecrow costumes and packed them off to a college comics convention. I do so hope Jonathan's costume inspires them to look into making that freeze ray early. What fun we might have.

Apparently unwilling to dispute my reasoning in light of the recent breakup, or perhaps realizing I was no longer paying any attention to her, Willow finally flounces off.

This leaves me time to finally ponder the one valid point she raised in all of that. Do I even have a middle name?

My license just lists a middle initial of R. Given that it was the same as father's I didn't think anything of it at the time. I _almost_ regret specifically avoiding having my lawyers look any further into _me..._ as it means I have no idea what the R allegedly stands for in this universe. Though I suppose I can't disagree with my previous reasoning that a grown man needing to ask his lawyer questions like say... 'What is my middle name supposed to be?' may have raised some red flags. Pity. Perhaps I can do some digging on my own.

 **-Later-**

I stare at the stage as Buffy and Cordelia's song begins. They look almost as confused as I do for a moment before apparently deciding to go with it. "Odd choice for a duet."

"I know, right?" Harmony sounds far too pleased with herself, and glancing over at her shows an even more self satisfied smirk.

"…What did you do?"

"They were taking forever to realize why Cordelia is Lois Lane. So I changed their card to The Boy is Mine."

…I have no idea what I did to this girl, but I can't really argue with the results. "Well done Riddles." I clink my glass to hers.

"Thanks Jokes."

As the lyrics drive Buffy and Cordelia into a mock fight over some nameless boy, Amy starts laughing along with us while Faith rolls her eyes and calls us all ridiculous.

Curiously, or perhaps not, come to think of it, Willow is now glaring at me again. I'm not sure my shrugging at her successfully conveyed my innocence.

...Not that even I'd believe me about that either.

 **-Later-**

Sitting down at the bar, I take solace in the fact that Ramone appears to still be human. He may just _know_ I want another round, but he still can't actually fill the _entire_ order before I get to him.

My momentary joy over that little detail is quickly smothered under the wet blanket of feeling Buffy's hand on my shoulder preventing me from standing back up. The girl cannot possibly be a full hundred pounds without including her purse. My attempts to rise should be simply lifting her with me. Yet I somehow find myself firmly detained. I've said it before, I'll say it again, Slayers are such cheaters.

Buffy stares down at me balefully. "So... you know?" Oh for fucks sake.

I'd bet money this is going to be round three about my Superman joke. But if you want to fight about it you're going to at least have to specify what you're mad about. "I know a lot of stuff about all sorts of things..." Buffy's suddenly looking smug enough that I suspect she was vague on purpose. Maybe letting Faith know how much it bothers me was a mistake? Then again, If Buffy wants to play... "But unless you want to hear about a randomly selected topic, such as Joyce and my concerns regarding your increasingly obvious anorexia..?"

"That's not what- I am not anorexic!"

I just barely manage to resist the urge to put my hand on her shoulder for fear of her ripping it off. "It's okay Buffy. They say admitting you have a problem is the hardest part."

"I am not anorexic! I eat plenty of- ...Jack?"

A plethora of horrifying mental images assault my mind. "I don't know what sort of kinky shit you're into, but you most certainly will not be eating _me_. Gods, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. I didn't even know I could do that."

Her eyes narrow at me as she points at the mirror running along the back of the bar. "You don't have a reflection."

"Really Buffy?" I roll my eyes and sigh exaggeratedly. "How is this news? No photos or recordings remember? Reflections are similar, and I don't have one of them either... But stop it. You're deflecting, and it's beneath you. Here I am trying to talk to you about genuine concerns your mother and I have, and you're going to harp on the obvious as a ploy to avoid the issue?"

"I am _not_ anor- ... I came over here to talk to you about Angel. _Not_ my perfectly healthy diet."

Well... shit. She's on to me.

 **-Driving Home Sunday-**

"What's with all the boxes in the back of the truck?"

"Just some stuff I picked up at auction, and a shipment of supplies I ordered from Emil."

"Oooh. The weapons guy? Get anythin good?"

"Nothing major. Just a couple kilos of plastique explosives and another one of those arm mounted collapsible swords so you could have your own."

"Wicked!"

"...Jack..." Amy blinks at me over her coffee while Faith... opens the window to the truck bed?

"Yes Amy? What can I- Faith! No! Bad Faith! No crawling into the bed of the truck while I'm on the highway! You can have the sword when we get home. Fuck's sake woman!" Driving is hard enough without your distractingly fantastic ass filling my rear view mirror.

Heh... _Rear_ _view_ mirror.

...

Wow... Apparently I'm still twelve at heart. I'd hang my head in shame for that pun if I weren't busy driving.

"Did I hear you say... _plastique explosives?_ " I almost gear up for a fight before I note that Amy sounds... excited? She smells excited too.

I wonder if I should be alarmed that Amy finds explosives arousing?

The sound of Harmony slapping Faith's ass and giggling drags me back to the problem at hand. I groan. "Faith... please tell me you aren't actually _stuck_ there?"

Faiths angry sounding response is far too muffled to hear, but her legs kicking a few times helplessly answers my question just fine. I suppose I should be grateful she _isn't_ using her slayer strength to break Sheila and free herself.

 **-Winters Residence - Kitchen : Tuesday Morning-**

Reading the morning paper I note that Mr. Randomly Selected made the front page. Skimming through the article… yes! The police investigation found his wife's remains in the basement.

Not too clear on why he chose a hammer for that one. Maybe my mind wandered when planting the instructions? Still… he flew into a rage upon seeing the target just like he was supposed to. Looks like he even managed to get three more people before the cops put him down. Not bad for a few afternoons worth of work. Or I suppose going on a few weeks worth of work if you include my time with Peter over at Arkham. Either way, conditional triggers are clearly within the realm of my capabilities.

I wonder how hard it would be to convince Dr. Walsh to start a study on soldiers suffering PTSD? Or maybe… what would let me talk to pilots? There is definitely some potential-

"Can I have the comics?"

"Gah!" I sigh. "Good morning Faith." How you can be a herd of elephants most of the day and yet still sneak up on me… I need to buy you a damned bell. I hand over the comics section of the paper while Faith pours herself some fruit loops. "... Is Amy not up yet?"

"Nah. Ames was up late night talkin to Harms about stuff for homecomin. She'll probably be down after a few more snoozes."

"I'll pour her an extra coffee to go then." I should probably add looking into this world's version of Dresden's sleep potions to the list. Being able to drink a four hour nap would probably do wonders for my entire team. Though with my luck, it would have a side effects list including subconscious manifestations like Lorne's. "So you and Amy are going to homecoming?"

Apparently I should count myself lucky that Faith considers eating to be serious business because instead of distractedly over pouring, she puts the milk container down before looking up and glaring at me. "Yes. We are _all_ goin to homecoming _._ I'm going with B, cause Scott's a Jackass. And _you are taking Ames_."

Joy... That's Faith's 'I will forcibly carry you there if you don't move it' voice. Grasping at my last chance to avoid a high school dance, I ask, "If you're going with Buffy instead of Amy... Who's going with Harmony?"

 **-Sunnydale High : Homecoming-**

"Dude. How did you get _two_ dates?" The third random guy in as many minutes to ask me that grins stupidly at me.

I point at Faith out on the middle of the dance floor. "I made the mistake of letting my sister know I didn't want to be here. I was told in no uncertain terms to shut up and have _fun_." I plaster on the smile I'm told is extra creepy and wait for the moron to piss off.

His idiocy apparently exceeds my patience, so I send him packing with a nudge of thrall. I shake my head as he runs off and spot Amy walking towards me in the corner of my eye. Well, at least I'll be in good company tonight.

"Jack, stop scaring the villagers and come dance with me."

I smile, this time for real. "Yes, Amy."


	43. Interlude 9A - Adventures with Amy II

**Interlude 9A - Adventures with Amy II:**

 **—Friday Night—**

I stare at the text message. Are you kidding me?

From Jack: 'Can't make it. Have fun with Faith.'

Sure. Have fun with Faith. The girl I was on the phone with when I got the text, being told she can't make it but wants me to go anyway so I can 'have fun with Jack.'

It has _got_ to be genetic. Or _something_ , since they're both 'adopted.' Stupid crazy vampire logic.

I call Harmony. "Hello?"

"Hey. Are you free tonight? The Idiot Twins did it again." It should probably bother me that I don't even consider voluntarily hanging out with Harmony to be a sign of an apocalypse anymore.

"Who is this?" What do you mean who is this!? I'm having flashbacks to sophomore year after cheerleading try- oh… I sigh. Her mom really does sound exactly like her on the phone.

"Sorry Mrs. Kendall. It's Amy. Is Harmony there?" I really need to convince Jack to buy Harmony a cellphone- oh screw it. I doubt he'd even notice if I added an extra line to our cell plan, let alone care.

"Oh. One moment dear." Muffled yelling comes from the line for a moment and then Harmony picks up.

"Hey Amy. What's up?"

"The Idiot Twins cancelled on me again. You free tonight? Want to Bronze?"

"We always go to the Bronze. Let's do something else. Something where I won't have to watch Xander make a mockery of-"

"You saw them making out again didn't you?"

"It was disgusting! He had his tongue down her throat!" Yeah, I didn't need that visual either.

"Okay. Okay. What do you want to do?"

"We could watch that star hole show."

"...What?"

"You know… That show with the worm gates? And that cute guy."

"Wormhole X-Treme? Sure. That sounds great." Yes! Muahahah. I've converted another one to joys of sci-fi. And all it took was a simple crush on Dr. Jackson. Soon I'll have you watching Star Wars with me too and you can stop staring at Jack and I like we're crazy when we argue Rebels vs. Empire.

"Yes! That's the one. I'll be over in a little bit with ice-cream."

 **—** **Winters Residence - Amy's Room : Later That Night—**

Turning off my TV. I stretch out and yawn. "I still can't believe you like Dr. Jackson better than Colonel O'Neill."

"Oh please. Jackson is clearly cuter. O'Neill is like _old_. You just like him because his name is _Jack_."

"Hey! I'll have you know I thought Colonel O'Neill was hilarious _before_ I met the crazy vampire version! Err… oh shut up you. Are we doing this or not?"

Harmony manages to stifle her giggles and holds up her hands in mock surrender. "Indeed."

"Good. Now... where did I put it?" I stand up and rummage through the small mountain of stuff on my dresser. Grabbing my makeup bag when I finally find it, I turn back to Harmony. "Okay so what color are we-" I sigh. "Really Harmony?" I swear I only looked away for like 2 seconds to find the nail polish. "Why are you naked?"

...

Already topless, Harmony begins working the button on her jeans. "We're going to paint our nails aren't we?" Lord and Lady! You still do that?

...

Oh Goddess! "Do you strip naked every time you paint your nails?"

"Of course I do." She stares at me like that statement is perfectly reasonable.

…And apparently she _can_ remove her pants, while standing, without breaking eye contact.

I sigh "Hang on." I'm sure I have a couple of Jack's tee shirts around here somewhere… aha! "Put this on. You have to wear something remember."

"Why?" Because I don't want to stare at your obnoxiously flat stomach and unfairly large boobs all night.

...

"Hey! Don't just drop the tee shirt back on the floor." Since when do you not just put on the things I hand you? I definitely remember getting you to put clothes back on being easier than this.

"But that's a _boy's_ shirt. I'm a _girl._ " Yes, I can _see_ that.

...Fine! Let's try this again with one of my shirts. It's not like you ever actually spill the paint on things anyway.

 **-Sunnydale High - Classroom : Tuesday - Picture Day, Third Period-**

I try to ask her again before class starts. "If Jack got a king cobra because he 'eats other snakes,' why do I have a Cerberus?"

"No. It's supposed to be a Basilisk. You know, dangerous to look in the eyes? King of Serpents. The king cobra is just the closest I could find.

"Why do I have a Cerberus?"

"Because you fell asleep on the job in that crypt?" Hey now!

"Excuse me. I was put to sleep by a cursed pocket watch. I did not just decide to take a nap."

"Uh huh… and fluffy was put to sleep by music. See? Plus you wanted something to keep you safe like a guard dog when you met Jack. Cerberuses are like magic guard dogs." What does Jack have- Oh. Jack is my magic guard dog.

Harmony smiles, looking incredibly pleased with herself for her little convoluted bit of logic. "...Why does Faith have a hippogryph?"

"Buckbeak is a proud and beautiful creature, and will like totally fuck you up if you insult him. Does that sound like anyone we know? Plus, she was trying to run away to safety and start a new life. Then she met Jack like buckbeak met Sirius."

"Okay. Point." I suppose it even makes sense if you're Harmony. "Why the unicorn then?" If you're making this all about Jack, I can't imagine you think he… met you in the forest and… drank… oh. Oh my.

"I like unicorns." Harmony stares at me blankly but with a huge smile on her face. The 'duh!' apparently no less obvious for being left unsaid. I'm not sure what to make of that.

 **—** **Sunnydale High - Cafeteria : Thursday Lunchtime—**

Spotting Jack walking out of the cafeteria I grab him by the arm and pull him down the hallway. "You talked to the band kids?"

"…Yes." Damn it Jack. Buffy would have noticed that hesitant pause. What did you do?

...

Why do I even care? "Are they going to vote for her?"

"Most of them should."

I stare at Jack with an eyebrow raised. "Should? Come on Jack. This is important to Harmony."

"As much as it pains me to admit it, the subtleties of mind control are an art, not a science. Seriously, ow… That was physically painful."

I roll my eyes at my crazy vampire. "There there… If you want to be a drama queen about it can you at least make sure you art not a science your way through the drama club too?"

"You know, when I put this idea in Harmony's head I didn't expect it to be quite so much work. Not for me anyway."

I sigh. That bothered me a lot less when I hated her. "Jack… could you try to not mess with Harmony's head anymore? I kind of like her the way she is."

"Huh? Oh... No. I just asked her if she had considered it. There was no mental mojo involved."

"And when she… feeds you?"

"Her idea actually. I think. It happened a few times during programming, and then apparently she lost some weight and decided the two things were related. She's been the one insisting it be an every monday affair."

Huh… She's doing that without being thralled into it?

 **—** **Saturday Late Morning—**

I wake up in my usual seat at the kitchen table. Coffee cup in hand. Following the sound of voices, I walk into the living room.

"Jack have you seen…" Jack's sitting on the couch with Harmony straddling his lap grinding against him, leaning in towards his face. Harmony is clearly suicidal.

Hearing me, Harmony leans back away from my vampire, I knew I should have fed her to the hyenas- wait, does she… have a brush in her hand? "Amy! Thank God you're here. Hold his head, he keeps squirming when I try to put the eye liner on him."

"Eyes are designed to dislike being poked!" Jack glares at her for a moment, before turning towards me. His face is painted white like the Joker. He looks so incredibly irritated. I don't even bother trying to suppress a giggle. "Hey! You laugh now, but you're next. Poison Ivy's skin is green remember… and red hair too."

...

They're just getting into costume. I dismiss the magic pooling in my hand. "You have to catch me first!"

I manage to almost turn halfway around before an arm wraps around my waist and lifts me off the ground. Who the- "Nuh uh Ames. If I had to dye my hair, you do too."

Faith!? looks… really different with blond hair. "Wow." She even has red and black tipped pigtails to match the pattern on her outfit. It's a nice touch. I wonder who came up with that?

She looks _fantastic_ as always.

...

Wait… since when does Poison Ivy have green skin?

Oh _whatever_. I want a brownie.

 **-Sunday : Driving Home-**

My lovely little fantasy of making things explode is interrupted by a loud crack and Jack groaning. "Faith... please tell me you aren't actually stuck there?"

Oh, that is priceless. Miss I can kick your ass at Mario Cart can't fit her own ass through the... okay, so admittedly it's a super tiny window. I look back to Jack. "...Pull over." I pop open the glove compartment.

"Yeah. We should probably get her out of there."

I fish out the camera. "Oh. Right. That too. Of course. After I take some pictures. Harmony, smile for the camera."

Jack pulls over into the breakdown lane. I try to hand him the camera so I can get my own picture. He waves me off. "Hang on, get one more first."

 **-Sunnydale High -Cafeteria : Tuesday - Lunchtime -**

Faith sits down across from Harmony and I and looks back and forth between us for a moment. "Yo Harms, who are you goin to homecomin with?"

"Jack. Duh." Wait what!? I thought _I_ was going with Jack. Damn it. "I mean, I was thinking about making Larry take me, but he's gay." Larry's gay? "So that won't do at all."

"... you got a problem with gay people?" Faith stares at Harmony with narrowed eyes. Shit, I forgot about her little crush on Buffy. This could get ugly really fast.

"Of course not, I just think they should stick to their own kind." Uh... Harmony? Abort! "You know... like, _date_ _other_ _gay people?_ " Oh... that makes more- wait no! I'm mad at you.

"Hold up. _I'm_ going to homecoming with Jack." Harmony turns and looks at me with a wide eyed deer in the headlights expression.

"Have eitha of you told Jack this?" Faith interrupts our impending argument with her stupid 'being reasonable.' No... I just assumed jack would go along with what I wanted. Damn it.

"...No." Harmony and I both answer in unison. Oh. Good. She hasn't asked him yet either.

"Why not?"

...

"It's Jack." All three of us agree simultaneously before laughing.

"Right. Well then. You two are _both_ goin with Jack because otherwise he'll try and say you're goin togetha. He was trying to tell me he wasn't goin at all this mornin." Faith rolls her eyes and stabs at her lunch to convey her thoughts on _that_ idea. "Between the three of us I'm sure we can keep an eye on him and make sure he shows up. Uh... Maybe I should tell B to keep an eye on him too in case he tries to wander off."

"Yeah. He's worse than I am with shiny things."

...Oh Harmony. No one is _that_ bad. But still, "yeah, we may need help corralling him. I'm sure Buffy will jump at the chance to make him do something he doesn't want to."

"I still say you guys' rivalry with B is fuckin retahded, but I guess it helps us here."

 **-Homecoming-**

I maneuver Jack across the dance floor towards where Harmony is talking to Larry and his date, a junior I think is named Michelle?

...I thought Harmony said he was gay? Huh. Sucks for Michelle.

I spot Willow and Xander moping on the sidelines as we shuffle past. Why are they upset? I know Oz is playing tonight, but... Oh. _There's_ Cordelia. Apparently she and Buffy are _still_ glaring at each other.

But then, where's Faith? Oh Goddess. She's talking to Scott? That can't end well. "Excuse me a moment." Leaving Jack at the refreshments I walk over to Buffy.

"If you're going to flirt with a girl, shouldn't it be the one you came here with?"

"I am _not_ flirting with Cordelia!"

"Uh huh. And that's why Faith is all by herself over there, and you're over here staring at Cordelia's admittedly impressive rack."

"I am _not!_ "

"Right... you're just short enough that her boobs are eye level. I get that, but still, it looks like you two are flirting."

"As _if!"_ Thank you Cordelia. You're being _so_ very helpful right now.

Both girls glare at me, then each other, before storming off to their dates.

Okay. Now, to go grab Jack again before... Urgh! Too late.

Lord and Lady. I left Jack to his own devices for barely a few minutes and he already looks like he's going to murder that guy.

"Jack, stop scaring the villagers and come dance with me."

"Yes Amy." And Faith wonders why Harmony and I just expected he'd go along with our plans.

 **-Homecoming Queen Announcement-**

Up on stage, Devon takes the mic. "In this envelope I hold the name of this year's Homecoming Queen."

Of the other side of Jack, Harmony starts excitedly vibrating in place. Looking around for Faith I spot her looking back at me from next to an equally fidgety Buffy. We roll our eyes at our friends' antics, but clap along.

"And the winner is... Harmony Kendall."

An excited squeal to my right, precedes Harmony bounding up onto the stage.

"Oh my God. Thank you all so very much. I have so many people I'd like to thank. My friends Amy, Gwen, Shanice, Aphrodesia," Jack starts spasm-ing in place trying not to laugh at the names, which makes me giggle too. "... Blue, and Anya, for helping me with my campaign." Jack is suddenly stock still staring at Harmony. What just happened? "And most of all, Jack Winters for convincing me to run in the first place." Jack waves up at Harmony, but his smile has turned to the fixed one he uses when he's faking it. Something's wrong.

While Devon is reading off the winner for Homecoming King, Jack is looking around the room as though searching for something.

He either finds it, or confirms it isn't there because he tunes back in as Larry is finishing up his own acceptance speech with an unexpected nod to Xander.

Jack blinks a few times when he notices Larry up on stage with Harmony.

"Gods Damn It. When did she become a person instead of a science project?"

"...What?"

"Oh, nothing important. I just wasn't expecting seeing Harmony up there with some other guy to bother me."

"Oh..." Joy! I finally get my confirmation that Jack truly has no interest in Harmony and it's because he's surprised he likes her now.

"I mean, I'd kind of decided she's like my niece to be you know? So it really should be my brother up there with her." Err- Wait. Niece _to be_!? That means... No. Not okay! You can't have- "Of course now that I'm thinking about it, I find the idea of feeding her to William bothers me just as much." So... He's _not_ planning to feed my friend to his brother? Good! "So, did you happen to notice when she went and became a person?"

...

"No. But I know exactly what you mean." When did _Harmony_ of all people become my friend?


	44. Interlude 9B – A Concerned Parent

**Interlude 9B – A Concerned Parent:**

***Joyce POV***

 **-After Jack invites Joyce along to LA -**

"Oh, and don't worry about costumes or theater wear. Harmony is already taking care of it. You just need to show up and have a good time." Jack glances at the clock. "Whoops. I should get back to school before class starts." Waving goodbye he walks back out of my office.

What a nice young man. It's too bad Buffy doesn't seem to have any interest in him. Or that nice Xander boy either. Of course he's with Cordelia now, and it sounds like Jack is with Amy. Ah well. Buffy probably wouldn't appreciate me 'meddling' anyway. Scott is just so... boring. I really can't see it working out.

I sigh. At least that Angel character is gone. Late twenties or mid two-hundreds, what kind of man his age tries to date a 16 year old?

...

Two hours alone in a car with Buffy and her watcher… I should probably make a list of questions I want answered once I finish these insurance forms.

 **-Joyce Arrives at Jack's with Scoobies-**

Jack answers the door in a purple suit, bright green hair, and his face painted white. It looks like he really went all out on his costume. A very good Jack Nicholson joker, but I don't know why his hair is so long. "Hello everyone. Thank you all for joining us tonight. Faith and Amy have your costumes so please see them first. Except for you Joyce, Harmony has yours in the kitchen."

The young lady in a green pantsuit with question marks on it waves me over. This must be Harmony. She seems much happier than I'd have expected from the things I've overheard my daughter's friends say.

Following her into the kitchen she hands me a dress.

"Oh my."

"Do you like it? It's supposed to look like Cinderella's dress without being all poofy and costume-y." She grins at me.

"I can see that. I suppose that makes the white suit jacket part of a prince charming outfit?" I suddenly get the impression I'm being set up on a date.

"Yes! I'm so glad you like it. Jack's always happy enough to let me handle the wardrobe stuff, but he never really seems to understand…"

She trails off as the kitchen door opens again and the man responsible for my daughter running away enters looking wonderfully uncomfortable.

"I was told by a rather peculiarly dressed Faith that I was to report to the kitchen, 'Or Else."

Harmony smiles and hands me the dress before stage whispering, "He's even worse than Jack. I mean, Tweed? Really?" She grabs the suit jacket and heads towards Mr. Giles clucking disapprovingly.

As I'm enjoying the sight of _that man_ get clucked over by the very enthusiastic young lady we hear screams from the living room.

Rushing in I see Buffy straddling Jack's chest. "No means no Buffy! Gods!" He sounds absolutely terrified. The poor dear.

I glare at my daughter. "Buffy! What are you doing!?"

Before my daughter can explain her atrocious behavior. Jack holds up a prop gun with a red flag saying 'Bang.' "Not her fault Joyce. I forgot to warn her it wasn't real and she was just defending her friends against my obvious assassination plot." Well, he's clearly alright if he can roll his eyes at me and engage in teenager solidarity.

"Yeah… I thought he was going to shoot Xander." Just what has Mr. Giles been filling your head with?

"Your daughter has wonderful reflexes, I really didn't expect to be tackled before the flag unfurled."

Of course that doesn't explain why my daughter is still sitting on your chest. She must have read my look, or had the same thought, as she scrambles up off of him.

 **-Sunday - 4 AM-**

My daughter tries to sneak into the hotel room without waking me.

She's disturbingly good at that, if I wasn't still awake from my trip to the bathroom I'd never have known she'd come in.

"Did you have a good night honey?" I ask as she sits down on her bed.

"You're still awake?" She yawns. "And yeah. I think I did."

"You think?"

"It was… different. Kind of strange to see demons acting like people." She pauses, fussing with her covers. "And I got into a silly fight with Cordelia. Again."

"You two aren't fighting over boys again are you?" Please be fighting over Xander... Please be fighting over Xander...

...

I level my best motherly look at my daughter's delayed answer. "We're both trying for homecoming queen. Things... may have been said. I don't really want to talk about it. How was your night?" Oh well...

"My night went very well. Dinner was delicious. The show was lovely. It was rather awkward at first, but Mr. Giles was much more understanding and accommodating than I expected. By the time we finished our entrees we found we even agreed about most of the important things. In fact, Mr. Giles will be coming by for dinner on Mondays and Wednesdays from now on before doing your training exercises with you."

I think it will be nice to be more involved in my daughter's life. I'll finally get to see just what it is she puts so much time and energy into. Hopefully without the horde of zombies this time. My daughter of course looks horrified at the idea.

"Oh don't look so upset, it's no more a date than tonight was. Not that there would be anything wrong with it if it were." Jack's best efforts aside. Mr. Giles is just too... Stuffily British?

Buffy doesn't seem to find my reassurances terribly reassuring. Ever since Ted... no, if I'm honest she's been like this since the divorce.

"Mr. Giles was even hoping you might be able to convince Faith to join us? He mentioned Mondays and Wednesdays were the nights Jack works at the hospital and I thought she might appreciate not needing to eat alone."

"She isn't- What about Amy?"

"What do you mean?" Wouldn't Amy eat with her father? He can't be any worse a cook than _Hank_ was.

"She lives with Jack too. Faith eats with her. Harmony too I think." Well no wonder those girls rolled their eyes at me when I asked where Jack planned on sleeping.

"Both of those girls live with him?" And just _what_ were their parents thinking? Jack's a nice boy, but they're all just teenagers. I'll have to call them when we get home.

"No. Just Amy. Harmony still lives at home... I think. You'd have to ask them. Or Cordelia might know."

 **-Driving Home -**

Ahead of me, the right hand blinker on Jack's truck goes on and he starts pulling into the breakdown lane.

Following suit, I watch the Hazard Lights go on. "I hope everything's alright."

"Yes. Quite." Mr. Giles agrees. No one seems to be getting out of the truck, I hope it's just a spilled coffee.

Getting out of the car, I can hear my daughter's friends pull in behind my car while we go to investigate.

The driver's door opens just before we get to it and Jack slides out. "Buffy! Perfect timing. I need your help. Faith got over excited and... well... now she's playing pooh-bear." Poohbear? What does he- oh.

Faith is stuck halfway through the little window in the back of the truck. They really should make it so you can't climb through those at all. Especially not on a highway.

Jack starts heading around towards the back of the truck. "I'll climb around and help her push while you pull on her legs?" He pops open the gate and climbs in.

As soon as Jack and my daughter get her back out of the window I ask, "What were you thinking? You could have been injured." Faith of course isn't paying any more attention to me than Buffy does. She's clearly distracted by the strange looking device strapped to her arm.

Buffy stares at Faith's happy expression. "Why did you try and climb back there anyway?"

"Because! Lookit what Jack got me from his arms dealer buddy!" She holds up her arm with the contraption strapped to it.

"What is that?" I ask in unison with my daughter, and Mr. Giles.

...

"Arms dealer buddy!?" I ask. Alone this time.

...

Why am I the only one that seems surprised by that statement? Mr. Giles just polishes his glasses beside me while my daughter is... Glaring at Jack as he walks back around to join us.

He holds his hands up innocently "I swear, I didn't buy any more grenades. Or guns. Or ammo of any sort."

I really want to know just _what_ is going on here, but my daughter's attempt at continuing the conversation is immediately derailed by Faith forcing her way out of the truck, and practically carrying her off onto the shoulder of the highway.

"B! You gotta see this. Watch." Faith holds up her hands like she's surrendering. "Sorry mistah monstah, I'm unarmed. Oh wait!" She flicks her wrist and a sword... unfolds... into her hand. That should not be possible. "No I'm not!"

"That's how you did that!" Xander exclaims, walking up with the others. My daughter of course just stares at the sword and then looks at Giles. She looks like she used to when we saw a new toy she wanted for Christmas as a little girl. Where did I go wrong that she looks at swords that way now. Even an a very impressive sword that can fold up onto your arm... I glare at Mr. Giles, this is _your_ fault.

"I suppose you simply must have one as well now?" Buffy nods enthusiastically as Giles begins polishing his glasses again. That man really abuses that delaying tactic.

Turning to Jack, Giles puts his glasses back on. "How much did that cost you?"

"Ten Grand." Jack shrugs nonchalantly from next to Faith who he seems to be teaching how to refold the sword. Again, that should _not_ be possible.

"WHAT!?" I don't even know how many people shouted that all at once. Granted, I'm probably the only one that knows Jack's finances well enough to say for certain that he really couldn't care less. Given how much I've earned off of just the commissions on the pieces he's been selling off lately.

"I know right? I got a great deal. I think Emil really likes me."

"Emil? Oh good lord. That man supplies black market arms to the _demonic underworld_."

"Hi everyone. My name is Jack Winters and I'm part _demon_. Nice to meet you all."

"Hi Jack." Chorus Amy, Faith, and Harmony.

"Yes. Very droll. My point being, that I rather suspect a member of the Watcher's Council is unlikely to get a meeting with the man." Well then maybe your precious council should stop having little girls fight your battles for you.

...My little girl. Who grew up into a soldier while I wasn't looking closely enough.

"Why would you need a meeting with him? I'm sure we can come up with a trade for one of the spares I bought."

"You bought more than one?" My daughter sounds far too excited by this.

"Of course I did. I got three, since _somebody_ manages to break **_everything_** _she touches_." He mock glares down at his sister.

"I do not!" She glares back up at him almost nose to nose. It's almost adorable in a rather bizarre way given the context.

"Baseball bat. Solid tungsten core wrapped in titanium. You cracked it in fucking half. Err... sorry Joyce." He's worried about swearing in front of me? Such a nice young man. A _very_ strange one though.

 **-Wednesday Night Dinner-**

"...And Harms and Ames have been driving Jack and I up the walls with Homecoming Queen stuff for weeks, but somehow neither of them managed to tell either each other, or even Jack, that he was supposed to take them to the dance."

"You're helping _Harmony_ run for Homecoming Queen?" my daughter says with narrowed eyes.

"Nah, not really. She understood that I'd have to vote for my own date." Faith sticks her tongue out at her.

Your date is running for Homecoming _Queen?_ "Who're you going with?"

Faith looks back and forth at me and then my daughter. "...with Buffy?" She sounds as confused as I am.

"I thought you were going with that Scott _boy_." Does it make me a horrible mother that I accidentally emphasized that last word like it matters to me? ... Does it?

"Oh... We broke up." Why am I _always_ the last to hear about things in my own daughter's life. Well, at least Giles seems no more aware than I am this time. "Faith and I are just going as good friends." I relax as she turns back to Faith. "But that doesn't mean you don't have to vote for me."

I smile. "I was never terribly fond of Scott anyway."

Faith grins at me. "Join the club. He was like... white bread, with extra _borin._ No low down tickle _whatsoevah_. _"_

"Can we _please_ **not** discuss my ex-boyfriends with my _mother_?"

"Yeah, yeah." Faith looks down at the plate she has now emptied a third time. If only I could get Buffy to eat like that. "It's prolly time to motorvate anyway if we still want to do some sparrin before patrol."


	45. Part 31 - Leaving on a Jet Plane

**Part 31 - Leaving on a Jet Plane:**

 **-Winters Residence - Atrium : Saturday Morning After Homecoming-**

"Heel." Cat walks over to me.

"Sit." Cat stares at me without sitting.

"Roll Over?" Cat rolls over on command.

Okay. What the hell? Yesterday it sat, but wouldn't roll over.

"Gods Damn It Cat." I swear this thing's mind is even more slippery than Harmony's ever was. Programming disappears at random, only to return in full working order days later. No rhyme or reason that I can fathom for it.

As I finish up reinstalling into Cat, the doorbell rings. Huh. Who could that be? Leaving Cat to flop down and reboot, I check the peephole and then open the door.

"Allan! What a lovely surprise. What brings you to my doorstep so early on a Saturday?" The girls haven't even crawled out of bed yet. "It's…" I pull my watch out of my pocket. "3 AM?" I look at the sun up in the sky. "That can't be right." I hope it just needs new batteries. It'd be a shame if I broke my favorite souvenir.

"It's just past 9, sir." Allan informs me helpfully, looking at his own watch.

… the hell is calling me sir for? Wilkins calling me Mr. Winters is bad enough.

"Thank you, Allan. What brings you to my doorstep this morning?"

"Yes. Sorry to bother you sir. But, uh, with your flight leaving tomorrow it, uh, seemed urgent." Honestly, he looks as nervous as… D'awww, I remind him of his boss? Some of my warm and fuzzies that fled the first time I met him come crawling back to me seeking forgiveness for their disloyalty.

Who am I to pass up on such a marvelous opportunity. "I'm not bothered, Allan." I shamelessly steal Wilkins' now presumably unused line. "But, please, call me Jack. I'm brewing coffee, would you like some?" I fold my arms behind my back and step to the side with a smile. I feel a bit ridiculous, but when in Rome.

Allan certainly seems to find some small comfort in observing local custom. He smiles slightly and steps into the house. Disappointingly, I feel my tattoos ping as he crosses the threshold. It seems that Amy's efforts at binding an intruder alarm to the threshold are going to be less helpful than I'd like for me personally. Still, if the wards work correctly for the girls, the alert should save me the trouble of summoning them to breakfast. "The kitchen is this way." Allan pauses his walk towards the kitchen as a loud thud echoes from Faith's side of the upstairs. Ah good, the mental alarm did wake them up.

...

Actually. I think I may insist that Allan join us for breakfast. Making sure Faith knows who he is strikes me as the easiest way to bludgeon a final nail in that particular incident's coffin. Speaking of Faith… I raise my voice so that she can hear me. "Try not to let the herd of elephants upstairs spook you. That's just my sister fighting her way free of her cocoon." Ignoring the muffled string of indignant curses coming from upstairs in favor of following Allan into the kitchen, I go to ask my initial question anew.

Allan however is staring at me looking quite alarmed. A whiff of fear seeps into the room. I suppose Faith was a touch vivid in her imagery near the end there.

I snort. "If you think that's bad you should hear her snore." Rolling my eyes and pouring the poor man a cup of coffee, I try to steer us back on topic. "But you never did say what brought you here?"

With one last glance towards the staircase, he squares his shoulders. "The, ah, the Mayor, asked me to handle the… preparations for an upcoming, uh, anniversary."

Why Allan, if I didn't already know what event was fast approaching, that wouldn't have told me anything. "I see… And how can I assist my favorite Mayor in keeping his… campaign promises shall we say?"

Allan's eyes widen. I smile. Wilkins did use the same euphemism he pitched to the now absent and unlamented Mr. Trick. Fantastic. Faith's footsteps come tromping down the stairs loudly. I grab the fruit loops down from the top of the fridge.

"I was, uh, hoping that… you might have an, uh, suggestion-" He cuts off as the door swings open.

Faith stomps through the door looking more than a fair bit disgruntled. "I do not snore."

"Of course you don't dear. Here's your fruit loops." Allan seems to be eyeing both of us with unease. His fear is starting to fill the room. Interestingly it seems to be Faith as much as me that alarms him. Odd. Then again if he were showing interest I'd probably abandon my game in favor of dragging him down into the lab. "Allan, this is my sister, Faith. Faith, this is Deputy Mayor Allan Finch. He's just here looking for some advice on one of the Mayor's projects."

"Yo." Faith starts to wave before being overtaken by a yawn. I viciously quash the impulse to follow suit, no less annoyed by it now than I was when I first discovered I was still susceptible to that particular contagion.

Allan, sadly, still seems to be a nervous wreck. Perhaps the map room is a better fit for this discussion anyway. Pouring out another cup of coffee to Amy's preferences I place it on the table before beckoning Allan to follow me.

"You're in luck. I think I might know just how to solve your problem."

Safely away from my apparently terrifying Sister Allan begins to calm down while I sort through the personnel files in my desk. "You do? Thank you, Sir."

Aha! here it is. I start copying down the relevant information. "This is the man you're going to want to track down. I'm afraid my information on him is a bit spotty but he's done the sort of work you need in this town before. It may be a bit short notice, but he really does some absolutely fantastic work."

In fact, I'm rather fond of the work he did canonically. "Hmmm... He can be a bit of a wild card himself, so it might be best if you have a member of the... _night staff..._ help make sure he sticks to a plan. I have some suggestions there too, but certainly you're going to want to make sure you're ready to adapt as needed." Below Mr. Rayne's last known address and contact info I outline the basic gist of the 'Band Candy' plot and hand it over to Allan.

"You may also want to consider asking Principal Snyder to organize some manner of mandatory activity for… 'Miss Summers and her merry band of delinquents,' I believe he calls them. He gets strangely cooperative if you use those magic words."

Hmmm... now I feel kind of silly for packing up my entire family for the trip to Budapest. Events running as planned isn't terribly dangerous at all.

...

Buffy. Driving. Nope. The girls are still coming with me.

I suspect they'd be rather upset if I told them they weren't going _after_ they got all packed up anyway. They do seem rather bizarrely excited about the trip.

 **-Winters Residence - Lab – Saturday Night-**

Amy pokes her head into the vault, then pulls it right back out. "What are you doing!?" She sounds distressed.

"Rigging the shotgun to shoot the next person to open the vault door. I find myself rather opposed to the notion of anyone finding my supplies while I'm away. You're sure you'd know if we have a break in?"

"Yes. Well, no. But the wards should ping me every few hours. So, if they don't I'll know _something_ is wrong. And what if you forget you did that?" Her arm gestures towards the shotgun from around the corner.

"Then I'll spend a few minutes laying on the floor thinking up inventive ways to describe my own stupidity. I imagine I'd deserve it too."

"And if _Faith_ forgets you did that?"

...

"Err... well... shit. I'll change the combination on the vault door too. Thank you Amy."

Amy wanders back up out of the lab muttering about crazy immortal vampires.

 **-Winters Residence - Atrium : Sunday Morning-**

I stare at the mountain of luggage Faith has begun transferring from the living room to the truck.

"Two girls can't _possibly_ need this much crap. We're only going to be there for three days."

"Three." Amy corrects- wait.

"Yes. That's what I said. Three days."

Amy rolls her eyes at me. "Three girls. A lot of this is Harmony's stuff. She's at The Espresso Pump with her mom. She's going to meet us at the airport."

"Ah. Okay then." I suspect telling Amy that there are easier ways to get a frappuccino delivered would cause a flight delay.

Shaking my head, I grab a nearby piece of the mountain and head out to the truck.

 **-Sunnydale Airport : Late Sunday Morning-**

Ah. The joys of chartered private flights. No lines. No waiting. No security agents asking awkward questions like why do you have a pistol strapped to your back. My tattoos aren't buzzing. This is lovely. I can even see the pilot and watch for anything squirrely.

Said pilot turns to face us. "Alright Folks. Everyone buckled up? It'll be about 6 hours to Boston to refuel before our hop over the Atlantic. Total flight time should be about 17 hours." The pilot turns and begins talking to the control tower over the radio as the plane sets into motion down the runway.

Glancing around, Amy already has her Gameboy Color out. Why she had to order one from Japan rather than waiting _one_ extra month for the US release is a bit beyond me. She's still playing that same Pokémon Red game, and it _isn't_ in color.

Harmony has a stack of magazines.

Faith... looks freaked..? I pause my game of Diablo. My quest to take over Hell from it's clearly incompetent overlord can wait. "Something wrong sis?"

"Did he just say 17 hours?"

"Yeah. But I think we have stops in Boston and... London? maybe? to refuel though if you need get out and run around the plane to stretch your legs."

"I forgot my walkman. What am I supposed to do for 17 hours?"

"I suspect the pilot might object, or I'd say we could join the mile high club. Although..." I glance over and smile at Amy as she sighs without looking up from her game.

I catch Harmony frowning at me for a moment before she looks at Amy, and then goes back to her reading. Odd... does she-

"Dude! I'm your _sister_." The rest of my warm and fuzzies return, with friends, hearing her say that so vehemently. Shame that it's hardly germane to the situation at hand.

The pilot's voice comes back from the cockpit. "I was going to say I had zero fucks to give what you four got up to. Gotta admit though that that's a new level of weird even for me." He pulls a partition I didn't know was there out of the wall and clicks it closed. Everyone's a fucking critic.

"Oh, so what? I was about to say that you'd have to manage the herculean feat of dragging Amy away from her game boy." _That_ finally pulls Amy's full attention to me. Threatening her precious game boy works every time. "But even ignoring that, we're still both adopted. It's not like we'd have to worry about making kids without chins. I mean, hell, I can't even have kids... err... huh." Can I? That Blood of Eternity has proved pretty damn useful so far.

Amy glances at Harmony for a second and then adds an alarmed expression to Faith's now confused one. "Jack... Why are you wearing your I had an idea face?"

"I _may_ have just thought of a way to be able to have kids. Not sure how I'd test it yet."

Amy glares at me. "Jack. No. We talked about this. You said you wouldn't."

Harmony looks at Amy, before shrugging and happily informing all of us, "We're all on the pill anyway."

Faith and Amy's glares swing from me to Harmony.

Faith's shout of "What the shit, Harms. I'm his sister."

Competing with Amy's, "Why would you say that?" Well, technically, I made her want to tell me things... but I feel like adding in that little tidbit helps no one. Certainly doesn't help me right now.

Harmony looks utterly bewildered, but turns to Amy. "Why wouldn't I tell him? It's not like being on the pill is weird or anything."

Amy massages her temples. "But it has _nothing_ to do with _anything_ we were talking about. I was telling Jack he can't turn you into a vampire."

I stare at Amy. Horrified. "Why would you think that!? I am _not_ turning Harmony into a vampire. We've talked about how much that idea bothers me. It wouldn't be _her_ anymore and if I wanted Harmony back I'd have to trap my new daughter in a prison cell with Harmony as the warden." Real catch 22 isn't it? Huh... maybe that explains why there are so many moronic fledges running around.

"Then what were... Oh goddess! I am not getting pregnant in Highschool!" Who said anything about- Wait... that is an oddly specific objection.

"Of course not honey. That's why we're on the pill." Harmony sounds so fucking confused. At the moment, I can empathize.

Amy looks over at Harmony, and takes in a deep breath. The she sighs. "Nope. I don't care anymore. I'm going back to my game."

Harmony looks around, still wearing a bewildered expression, before shrugging and grabbing another magazine.

I turn to my sister. "What... just happened?"

Faith gives me a funny look I'm not sure how to interpret and then sighs. "I have no clue. Any _other_ ideas?"

"You could borrow one of Harmony's-" I abort my suggestion immediately. Faith's face expresses quite clearly that she find the idea of reading Cosmo even more appalling than my last suggestion. I choose to count that as a victory, however minor.

I sigh. "Do you want to borrow the laptop and fight your way down into Hell to murder the devil?" In barely more than the blink of an eye I suddenly find myself bereft of laptop. A moment later my headphones are removed from my head as well.

Looks like I'll get to catch up on my reading. I take out my manual on diagnostic magic and the box containing the orbs of Nezzla'Khan and set to work trying to figure out how to unlock it.

I can't help but grin at the sound of rapid clicking followed by giggles. Glancing back I see Faith thoroughly engrossed in the virtual rendition of the family business while Harmony looks on over her magazine with a puzzled expression.


	46. Part 32 – Budapests and Side Quests

**Part 32 – Budapests and Side Quests:**

 **-Ferihegy Airport Tarmac, Budapest : Monday-**

10 AM departure time. 17 Hour flight. 9 hour time zone swing. It's noon when we land. I somehow doubt Amy or Harmony would appreciate being woken up to hear that though since it ought to be 3 AM.

I turn to Faith, "I'll take Amy? You take Harmony?" Faith yawns but nods, putting Amy's Gameboy down. While the pilot taxis around on the tarmac and puts down the boarding ramp, we collect our stuff and clean up the remnants of Harmony's September Vogue that was sacrificed to the war gods during the great paper air plane war that broke out when Faith killed Diablo prior to touch down at Heathrow. I don't care what Amy says, I was totally justified in launching the first volley after listening to 10 minutes of debate about Faith getting to play Pokémon once she went to sleep.

Once everything is as settled as it's ever going to get, I unbuckle Amy's seat belt and lift her up. Her eyes blink open for a moment before she wraps her arms around my neck, yawns, and goes back to la-la land. I find myself somewhat disappointed that I don't get any amusing commentary like I did the last time I dealt with a sleeping Amy.

I'm appeased a moment later however when Harmony mumbles angrily about Willow, her hands balling up into fists as Faith picks her up. I have to suppress a laugh at Faith's confused expression as she struggles to contain Harmony's squirming.

Walking down the ramp, I imagine we make quite the sight. The pair of us each carrying a girl bridal style while trying to drag our pile of luggage along behind us. The shuttle driver certainly seems to think so, staring at us for a moment before saying something in... I assume Hungarian?

"I don't suppose you speak English?"

"Mit mondtál?" He... says? Asks? Oh gods I don't care. I should have had the translator meet us at the airport rather than the hotel.

Meeting his gaze I try again in with thrall. _'_ _Take us to the Corinthia Hotel'_

The man stares at me with the usual dazed expression but makes no move to follow my directions. I sigh. Apparently not speaking my language provides some defense against more complicated orders.

Confirming there's no one watching, I put him to sleep and start switching seats with him.

"...the fuck?"

I look back at "Something wrong Faith?"

"What did you just do?"

"Put him to sleep..." She glares at me. "Oh come on! He'll be fine... What? I'll wake him up when we get to the hotel." Faith's glare tapers off but she still looks upset. "Unless your Hungarian is good enough to ask him to take us there?"

"Fine," she huffs out. She yawns, but then glares at me again. This time complete with accusatory finger pointing. "Waitaminute! You _are_ the reason I keep finding Rum unconscious in the living room!"

Huh? "How can alcohol-"

"No. My cat!" Oh for fucks sake.

"Of course- I thought Amy said the cat was called Red."

My sister just looks at me like I'm an idiot. Okay, admittedly, Red is a pretty silly name for a cat. But _Rum_ is hardly any better.

"Okay, fine, yes. Of course I used my magic on Rum. Didn't you wonder how a what? 10? 12? Week old kitten was already housebroken so quickly?" I lost a perfectly good pair of shoes to the first time that particular bit of programming decided that it was going to just up and vanish on me. Despite my remembered annoyance, I once again find myself smothering laughter as I think about the expression that must have been on Liam's face whenever he saw Buffy that week.

 **-Corinthia Hotel, Budapest : Monday-**

Tucking Amy into bed at the hotel room. "Okay. So, you three are mostly going to be on your own until I finish up my courier business for Mayor Wilkins. You sure you're going to be alright in a foreign city without me for a bit?"

Faith yawns and nods at me as she settles Harmony down on the other side of the bed. "Yeah. Ames has been making us memorize some of the things from the phrasebook. Even if we got separated we should all be able to make it back here on our own." Separated... that reminds me. I'm not sure that I'm entirely- No. I'm actually quite certain that I'm _not_ comfortable trusting my family's safety to the accuracy of GPS satellites in a country that was part of the Soviet Bloc less than a decade ago at this point in history.

I smile down at Amy, brushing some hair out of her face. Grabbing two of said hairs and giving them a sharp tug, I wind one around my finger and then tuck it into my wallet alongside the full set I keep there on general principal. I think even the weeks old ones ought to make for a strong enough sympathetic connection for me to run a locator spell from nearby in the city, but why risk it. Unlike Amy I can't just track people from halfway across the fucking state of California. Not that we've ever particularly needed to track Eric's movements with all that much precision to properly test that.

Faith is already holding out a pair of hairs, one blonde and one black by the time I finish. As usual, she rolls her eyes at me as we trade my extra from Amy for hers, but she seems to appreciate the lengths Amy and I go to make sure everyone is safe. Between the emergency beacons and my admittedly frustratingly limited skill with basic magic, I feel much better about heading out to conduct my business. Shit, even _Harmony_ has better luck with locator spells than I do... though she seems to _only_ be able to manage basic divinations.

Yeah, I think today is an 'I Hate Magic' day.

"Okay then. Lock up behind me, and remember-"

"Check in every few hours, no wishing, no picking up strays... Yeah, yeah, I know. Ames gave me the speech already."

Giving my sister a mock glare, full of badly feigned indignation, I huff. "Actually, I was going to ask you to look after Amy for me. She'll handle all that responsible adult nonsense, you just make sure nothing tries to eat any of you, yeah?"

Tucking the box the mayor packed the orb in under my arm I wait for the sounds of the dead bolt clicking home before setting off down into the lobby to meet the translator I hired for the exchange.

Now let's see... He is supposed to be the guy in a grey suit with a blue tie... aha!

I head over to my lead suspect. "Mr. Borath?"

He turns to me and smiles, holding out his hand. "Mr. Raithe?"

One firm handshake later he meets my eyes, and I set to work manufacturing a new friend. Pity I'll have to eat him when this is all over.

 **-Outside a Museum : Monday-**

"It's the second oldest metro line in the entire- Err. Sorry about that, I also do work as a tour guide. Seems old habits die hard."

"Hardly anything you need to apologize for. I was rather enjoying the story." I find history even more fascinating than even father did.

I suspect it's part of the whole being immortal thing. Or perhaps simply the fact that I no longer have any need to limit myself to after the invention of indoor plumbing when contemplating time periods I could enjoy having lived in. Not that I'd be foolish enough to wish any such thing.

And besides all that, I strongly suspect your relatively newfound tendency to ramble on about historical monuments while we walk is my own fault. A side effect of my getting distracted by the parliament building while I was preparing you to remain calm while translating for some potentially demonic businessmen.

"In any case, we're here." According to the address I was given by Wilkins, 'here' is the side entrance to an art museum of some sort. Even given the whole hiding in plain sight motif, it seems strange to me that a supernatural market hub could have a fixed location. Maybe I've just gotten used to Barney's auctions changing times and venues constantly in a show of paranoia that nears my own. I suppose the idea of an active black market having semi official sanction in these parts shouldn't really surprise me either.

We make our way to the appropriate desk. Mr. Borath standing behind me and pretending the part of a guard or enforcer, but really just listening to the chatter going on around us for any warning signs. I hand over the magically sealed letter of introduction, and wait for all hell to break loose.

...

After having geared up for a fight and spending so much time mulling over exit strategies in case the exchange went south, I find myself almost affronted when the clerk just reads the letter and then signs for the delivery, handing me back a small stack of paperwork of my very own to go through. I'm even wearing a bullet proof vest under my coat. I'd have gone for the whole armored ensemble I now have Xander unwittingly field testing for me, but anything I could hide it under would be nearly as conspicuous as the armor. Apparently I'm all dressed up with nothing to fight.

Not that I have any intention of filling out any potentially magically binding contracts myself either. Even if I weren't already strongly opposed to the notion, Wolfram and Hart's _perpetuity clause_ would be more than enough to put me off the idea. I may not have a soul to bind, but I can't see the lawyers letting that stop them from trying.

Mr. Borath fortunately has no such compunctions. Though I suppose that if he had, I'd have simply removed them. We claim a table and fill out forms while the museum tests the delivery for tampering and 'Authenticity.'

...

I stop Mr. Borath's running translation. "Repeat that last bit?"

"... certify all three items delivered-" Three items? The pistol strapped to my back suddenly strikes me as great idea again.

" _What three items_?"

"One orb of ...uh... I'm not even sure what language that is."

"Mayincatec apparently." I shrug. "One of them anyway." Or rather the language of a lizard demon that lived down there with them. I have yet to be able to mimic the sounds Wilkins makes when referencing it.

"Okay then. That... One vial of blood from the slayer-" He pauses when I grip his shoulder as I stare at the place on the document where his finger indicates. I'm already halfway through my checklist for murdering everyone in the room before I spot the next words as he reads them "...Buffy Summers." Ah. Well... that's fine then. "And one Spanish Doubloon circa 1598."

...Murder, Arson, and Jaywalking that is. Still... my curiosity is peaked. I mean, I'm only getting the Box of Gavrok out of this. Wilkins got that anyway without my assistance, and Buffy survived the exchange... I groan as I realize that I probably ought to make sure that vial of blood isn't being bought by Wolfram and Hart or their like.

Sending my minion back up to the desk with the paperwork, I look around the room. No one sets off any warning bells in my memories. Not that they should. I won't get the box until the day after tomorrow. I doubt the person selling it is even getting the orb or blood, let alone doing so immediately. Stupid multilayer deals designed for anonymity.

Sigh, looks like I have to do this the hard way. Fishing out the collection of tiny Ziploc bags from my wallet as we leave the museum, I verify that my strand of Buffy's hair still makes a link to her blood.

I take out my Nokia and power it on. I type out a message to Amy that 4 hours into the trip, I've already suffered side quest damage and won't be back just yet. Placing it down on a bench so it can get a signal, I verify the blood's tug still comes from the museum before pressing send with my stylus and turning the phone back off.

...

This is going to be a _long_ night. Good thing I packed a snack.


	47. Part 33 - Don't Know When I'll be Back

**Part 33 - Don't Know When I'll be Back Again:**

 **-Outside the museum : Later That Night-**

It takes Mr. Borath 2 hours to move on from the city's rich history to the recent upswing in crime and corruption. He's just building steam in a lecture about a reform of some sort from a few years ago when my magic tells me the blood is on the move.

Watching my pendant swing from slightly left to slightly right as a friendly enough looking fellow walks out of the building as though he hasn't a care in the world is all I need.

Trailing him from as much a distance as I can manage given how weak a link I'm using, I follow him for a few blocks before I watch him disappear down into what I don't even need to ask Mr. Barath to know is a subway station. Oh lovely.

 **-A few train changes later-**

While Mr. Borath talks to the conductor, I sit on the train waiting for the tugs to be from a direction other than directly ahead of me.

I look down at my phone on the seat next to me. From Amy: 'Where are you?'

To Amy: 'Czechoslovakia. I think.'

It may or may not be the Czech Republic already. I'm certainly not willing to be wrong in the future direction.

From Amy: 'You think?'

To Amy: 'I can't exactly read the signs.'

From Amy: '... We're going shopping without you.'

To Amy: 'Okay. '

I resist the urge to thank the guy I'm following for providing me with an excuse to avoid that ugly fate.

From ###: 'You did that on purpose!'

...

Since Buffy having my number is completely absurd, I'm going to guess Harmony got my number from Amy. Behold, the joy that is living prior to read receipts. I pretend I never saw the text.

I go to turn off my cell again only to have another message load out of the aether.

From Mr. Wells: 'How many boxes of Band Candy did you want again?'

To Mr. Wells: 'Not boxes. Cases. As in boxes of boxes. FIVE Please.'

Pity I can't predict if it'll be the same. I either end up with fifty pounds of magical chocolate that makes grownups act like teens... or fifty pounds of really expensive Hershey's Bars.

Then again, I live with pair of girls who can twist my head off or set me on fire if they have a rough time of the month. Both of whom love chocolate.

To Mr. Wells: 'Make that TEN CASES.'

Win/Win really. Oh hey! My pendant starts tugging towards the platform. Time to go play Where's Waldo again.

 **-Somewhere in the Czech Republic-**

The slight apprehension I've been feeling since the blood courier headed up the hill towards the monastery comes crashing down around me when I catch sight of one of the monks.

I stifle both resultant urges. Neither cackling nor banging my head against the nearest wall. Are you fucking gods damned kidding me?

I've been chasing this vial of blood for five hours trying to make sure it doesn't go to someone like Wolfram and Hart.

And here I am at the monastery where the Order of Dagon made Dawn out of the key and "Slayer Essence." Of course that means blood. Why shouldn't it?

I almost walk away. I almost chalk it up as an amusing story to tell the grandkids some day.

But I'm kind of hungry, and I did come all this way... it'd be a shame if I were to leave empty handed.

And it's been forever since I've had any proper fun. Getting a bunch of monks to make Buffy a little sister I can corrupt will certainly be fun.

Still... I hate improv work. Best to think this through, come up with a proper plan. To quote the great philosopher Jayne Cobb, 'It sure would be nice if we had some grenades.'

 **-Walking into the Monastery-**

Feeling an alarm spell on the main doorway set my tattoos buzzing faintly, I call out to one of what I assume is the monk equivalent of a mook. "Hello?"

Predictably knowledge of English alone doesn't get me very far. His response is perfect in its unintelligibility.

Telling him I'm lost in badly mangled Hungarian is moderately more successful, in that it causes him to gesture at me to wait and then walk into the back area.

He returns with another monk a moment later. "You speak English?" He asks me.

I promote him from victim to minion on the spot. Reaching out with thrall I make sure to render him calm before introducing myself. "Yes! Hi, sorry. I seem to be lost. Uh... oh! My name is Ben Wilkinson. Where am I?"

Brother Minion smiles happily at me. Brother Victim... sadly appears to be panicking. He makes a run for it yelling about Glorificus.

...

Oh come on. There's supposed to be a spell that keeps people from making that connection.

Shooting the panicked monk in the back I set off into the monastery.

 **-Monastery Main Halls : Moments Later-**

Ducking back around the corner as my tattoos sizzle once more, I load my last clip into my pistol.

Reminding myself again that I'm playing a part here, I resist the urge to wade into melee. Instead I talk to myself.

"Shut up Glory! I'm working on it already!"

I head back out into the hallway, putting a round through the head of the monk with a shotgun. What the fuck was a shotgun supposed to do to a god? I studiously ignore the sensation of the hole in my stomach knitting closed.

The monk that tried to curse me flees deeper into the monastery. I really hate that guy. I can't just shoot him because I know I watched him cast the spell that made Dawn. Why won't he just get on with it? Should I be insulted right now? Am I not terrifying enough for you people? Walking through your monastery, magic sliding off me left and right, shotgun shells barely causing me to break stride. Granted they obviously did wound me... I don't have Glory's invulnerability. Maybe that's it?

But come on already! How many more gods damned monks do I need to murder before you people panic and resort to your little creation ritual?

 **-Monastery Catacombs : Moments later-**

The scent of blood fills my nostrils, finally overwhelming even that noxious incense that fills this place.

I think I finally understand why so many vampires eschew firearms and other weaponry. The smell of all that blood going to waste on the floor is absolutely maddening.

Forcing myself to focus on the more important things, I prod the remaining monk with the fire poker again. I have to play my chosen role out to its conclusion after all. The scent of burned flesh at least adds a touch of variety to the smells in here.

"Tell me where my key is!" My originally faked anger is now quite genuine irritation. "I just want you to tell me so I can go home. Why is that so hard for you people to grasp?" I force myself to calm down before biting out Ben's line. "I think that might be the problem, your most unstableness, I don't think he wants to let you go home."

I give the monk my best crazed smile.

"Pane boze, pomoz mi." I glare once more at the corpse of the monk that canonically survived Glory's assault on the monastery. He just _had_ to sacrifice himself to save this guy. Now I get to deal with the young monk that _doesn't_ speak English _._ Ooh! Wait a minute! I remember that one. The subtitles said... "God save me? Oh, come on! That's not even a little bit helpful."

I hold the poker against him for another moment.

"Je to bezpečné. Někde, kde jí nikdy nenajdete.!"

...

That one I don't remember. I turn to Brother Minion, standing in the doorway with a the dazed expression and moronic smile plastered on his face. "What did he just say?"

"He said it's safe. Somewhere you'll never find it." I snort. Yeah, because that worked out so well for them in canon. Looking over at the now emptied vial of blood in the middle of the ritual circle I sigh.

Picking it up and giving it a theatrical whiff I can at least confirm that it really was Buffy's blood.

...

I drop my... admittedly piss poor Ben/Glorificus impersonation in favor of a William the Bloody. "...Slayer..."

 _That_ finally gets a reaction from the monk, his redoubled efforts to escape are almost comical, but they're all the confirmation I need. They did send the key to Buffy. Mission accomplished!

Thank the gods. I'm fucking hungry. I burned through entirely too much energy sprinting to the fountain when their creation spell turned my tattoos buggerfucking incandescent.

Hmmm... I look down at my ruined clothes. I suppose I have to give them points for effort at least. I also have to remember to make a note when I get home that holy water is fucking itchy. Certainly preferable to being on fire though.

And speaking of fire, I should probably do something about the bodies. Dropping the now drained monk, I head back down the tunnel to the rest of the monastery. Where was that room with the wine casks? Could probably use a shower too. I never did find their bathroom.

 **-Last Changeover on the Train Ride Back-**

Once again just smiling and showing the conductor my ticket and letting him do whatever he feels he needs to I dig my phone out of the suit jacket that used to belong to Mr. Borath.

Setting it down on the seat next to me to let it grab service, I wonder if the authorities will be able to piece my trail of misinformation together. I'm never sure if I'm under or over thinking these things. He did put a ticket to Czech on his credit card after all. And then another one for the trip back home a few hours later. During which intervening time that beautiful monastery tragically burnt down with everyone inside. His finger prints should even be all over what's left monastery after I made him and Brother Minion help me loot it.

Ah well. I suppose I don't really care which of my two ex-minions the cops think did it.

My phone starts buzzing almost immediately after contacting the towers.

From Amy: 'Do you remember the third Harry Potter Book?'

Of course I do. But something about that question screams Danger Will Robinson Danger to me.

From Mr. Wells: 'I have your 10 cases of chocolate.'

From Harmony?: 'I bought you a new messenger bag. It's so much nicer than that hideous backpack you cart around. But I'm still mad at you! I can't believe you missed such a fantastic shopping trip on purpose!'

Yeah. That number is definitely Harmony. And I can completely believe she's mad at me. I'm pretty sure Messenger Bag is Harmonese for purse. She bought me a _purse_.

From Amy: 'Where are you now?'

Yeah. Okay... let's stick to the safer topics.

To Amy: 'Back in Hungary. Side Quest Completed. Eta 1-2 Hrs.'

From Amy: 'We're going to that bar across the street. Meet us there.'

Bit early for... I glance out at the now almost done with setting sun. Damn. I lost the entire day to this little misadventure. Most of that spent on a train.

 **-Metro Station, Budapest : Tuesday Night-**

Typing out a quick message letting Amy know I'm back and setting my phone down. I start to stretch when my phone makes an absolutely horrifying noise.

The auto-generated message tells me that... _Harmony's_ emergency beacon was activated 20 minutes ago. Buggerfuck!

...

Since when does Harmony even have an emergency beacon? Shaking my head, I table that thought in favor of being productive.

Amy said they were headed to the bar across from the hotel. That's... not too far from here actually.

I take off at a dead sprint, winding the blonde hair Faith handed me yesterday around my pendant as I go.

 **-At the Bar : One Ten Minute Sprint Later-**

Rounding the corner, I can see that the bar is crawling with cops. Not surprising considering the shattered window and wrecked looking interior.

The pendant's tugs suddenly swing wide as a cruiser goes past me with its lights on.

Harmony smiles and waves at me from the back seat. I quickly confirm that Faith and Amy's hairs pull the same direction.

...

I start walking towards the local police station.


	48. Interlude 10A – Leftover A's:

**Interlude 10A – Leftover A's:**

***Faith POV***

 **-Hotel Room – 9PM Local Time -**

I wake up to a face full of long blonde hair and a hand on my boob. Oh, I've had this dream before. I guess I'm not awake yet. "Hey B."

...

The head of blonde hair starts to shake itself out groggily. "...Morning Amy." B says-

What the shit? "Harmony!?"

A pillow hits my head. "Shush you two." I look over as Amy rolls over to face away from me.

...

Right. I'm in Budapest. I conked out between them because Jack got us a room with only one bed. Because 'he didn't know Harmony was coming.'

Speaking of Harmony... "you know you can let go of me now."

When Harmony doesn't respond, I pry myself free of her grip and sit up.

I guess I could play some more of that Pokemon game while I wait for sleeping Dee and sleeping Dah to wake up.

Digging my copy of the game out of my suitcase I glance over and see Harmony's koala impression migrating across the bed. Ames seems far cooler about it than I thought she'd be. Weird.

 **-Hotel Room Shower– 4AM local time-**

As I finish rinsing the shampoo out of my hair, I hear Amy scream.

I jump out of the shower and grab my sword off the top of my suitcase. Rushing out into the main room I-

...

Don't see anything wrong. Ames is just staring at her Gameboy and Harmony is doing something with her clothes.

"You!" Amy is pointing at me.

"What did I do?"

"You deleted my game!"

...

"No I didn't! I started my own game. On my own- Oops."

"OOPS!?"

"I musta forgot to switch the cartridges back. Yours is in the case."

I turn around to go back to my shower but the door is closed and locked.

...

"Damn it Harms! I wasn't done yet!"

"Huh... funny how that works out isn't it." I glare back at Amy's now smirking face.

Okay fine then. Putting the sword down on the table I plop down into the chair next to her and start combing through my hair. I give it 5 minutes before Ames notices.

...

It takes her ten. The hotel's coffee must be super weak. "Faith! Put some clothes on!"

"Nope!" I pop my P just like Ames does when she wants to annoy Jack.

"Yes! You can't just sit there naked!"

"Really? Cause my clothes are in the bathroom, which Harmony locked me outta."

...

"So wear something else!"

"Nope! My suitcase with all of my clothes is in the bathroom. Funny how that works out isn't it."

Ames huffs angrily and starts muttering under her breath. It sounds like victory as Jack would say.

...

The blanket launches itself off the bed and starts attacking me. "Damn it Ames. Not cool! This thing is itchy!"

Ames cackles gleefully. The blanket continues its attempt to wrap itself around me despite my best efforts.

"Urgh! Ya know what!? Next time I'm just gonna letcha get eaten."

 **-5AM local time-**

Harmony leans out of the bathroom cautiously and looks at us. "Are you two done fighting yet?"

...

The spell tickling my feet stops. I let Ames out of the headlock.

"Yes..." Ames and I both answer.

"Great! Amy's turn in the shower." She looks around the room and then scrunches up her nose. "Where's Jack?"

"He said he had to take care of something work related and then he'd come join us." Ames grabs her cell phone before walking into the bathroom. "I'll text him and see how much longer he'll be." She says before closing the door.

...

The door opens again and my suitcase floats out. Awesome.

Harmony grabs my suitcase before I finish freeing myself from the Hell-blanket. She starts rummaging through it, holding up my shirts and then tossing them aside.

"Where are those shirts I bought you?" I didn't bring them, they made me look like one of those preppy bitches. "Didn't you bring anything nice to wear?"

"Excuse me!? There's nothing wrong with my clothes!"

"Oh honey..." She trails off at Amy's shout from the bathroom.

"CZECHOSLOVAKIA!?"

Harms pauses, frowning. "Didn't they break up?"

The door swings open, and Amy stomps out. "Jack's lost in Czechoslovakia. He thinks. I told him we're going shopping without him."

"That! URGH!" Harmony looks pissed. "He can't take you to Budapest for your birthday and then spend the whole trip working." She mutters as she starts mashing buttons on her phone.

...Shit! "It's your birthday!?" I didn't know that. I don't have-

"No. Not until next week. Jack just had some business here, and he mentioned they had some magic shops here in the older cities." Ames waves me off. "We're doing something else for my birthday, but he refuses to tell me what."

Oh Okay then. Err... "Oh. Speaking of Jack. I got him to confess to messing with the cats. And no, I didn't lose the game, he still has no idea we both kept one. Anyway, he claims he's been housebreaking-"

Ames starts to laugh but Harmony suddenly stands up looking excited. "That's it!" Housebreaking's it? Umm...

"What?" Ames sounds as confused as I am.

"That's what we'll do. A game. Winner is the girl who finds the most embarrassing present they can actually get Jack to use. I'll teach him not to abandon us on shopping days yet."

...

Apparently we're leaving now. Harmony practically dragging Ames and I towards the door.

"Harmony no! We're not dressed yet! I haven't even taken my shower."

 **-Clothing Store-**

"Oh come on Faith! There are colors other than black." Sure there are. But I can dress however I want now, rather than worrying about what I can afford, and I like black. I even got you into it for a while there Ames.

I stick my tongue out at Ames over my soon to be new pants. "I think I liked it better when you were copying me. Can we go back to that?"

Ames folds her arms over her chest and huffs out, "It didn't work." Huh?

"What do you mean it didn't work?"

"Even dressed like you, Jack didn't look at me twice."

"Hold up! What's that supposed to mean!?"

"You kind of dress-"

"Not that! Fuck. I get plenty of that shit from Harms. I mean this bullshit about Jack not looking at you twice."

"Oh come on! He stares at you like..." She runs her hands through her hair. "Goddess! Do slayers seriously just not get acne? And that's on top of the whole being able to eat whatever the fuck you want and still..." She makes an hourglass-y motion with her hands before clenching her fists. "Urgh. And did I miss a lesson on makeup or something? Oh wait. No. You looked like that before you even finished toweling off from the shower. Are you really going to tell me you're surprised Jack can't keep his eyes off of you?"

The fuck? "Ummm... Are you sure it's Jack that can't keep his eyes off of me?" I joke, trying to sort out what the fuck just happened. I did not think Ames swung that way.

"Of course I am. Who else would I be talking about?"

I paste a smile on. "Right... Of course." Fucking great. Ames is either a massive closet case or I'm somehow getting in between her and- err... "My _brother_ has a crush on me? I'm gonna ignore how messed up that is for now. You listen to me. You are NOT the ugly step sister."

"Well of course you have to say that. You're my friend. Probably my best friend. You're like mystically compelled to lie to me and say I'm pretty."

I rub my forehead. "Okay. Look..." How do I fix this? "... _Boys_... are really fucking simple. If you really want to make one notice you, you just have to walk up to them and shove your hand down their pants. Not even a _boy_ could manage to mess up that signal." Works on girls too, so... my job here is done.

"Very funny." She rolls her eyes at me. "If _that_ was all I wanted I'd just spike his lemonade with some of your blood."

"Hold up. What was that last part?"

"Slayer's blood. It's some sort of aphrodisiac for vampires. The last time Jack got some of Buffy's-"

"He did what!?"

"Broke her nose after she stabbed him apparently. He licked his hand clean and then got all weird." Oh yeah. B mentioned that.

"So Jack got high on B's blood and then... you two didn't boink?" I bang my fists together a few times for emphasis.

"No. He did say I was pretty though."

"Ha! See! Not the ugly step sister. How much blood would you need anyway?"

"Faith. No. I want the whole dinner, dancing, maybe a movie thing first, not just a good lay because you get Jack high."

"...Why? The sex is the only thing that makes guys worth putting up with."

"Oh Goddess! Faith! That's not... You are way too young to be that jaded."

I roll my eyes. "B told me the same thing."

"Buffy's... not stupid. I'm sure we agree about plenty of things. We both like you just fine after all."

I snort. If only. Wait... what are you saying? "B-"

Harmony races up to us. Almost knocking me over as she uses Ames and I to brake. "I found it!"

"Found what?"

"A man purse!"

 **-Bookstore Number 3-**

'Hume's Paranormal Encyclopedia.' I double check the list of books Ames gave me. Aha, that is on it! "Hey Ames! I found one."

Amy rushes over. "Wow. They even have one in English?"

"Bound to happen eventually. I found those Harry Potter books you said I should read, but I guess they only have the first book, and it's in Hungryan."

"Oh. Yeah. We should definitely pick you up a set in London on the way home. Maybe one for Dawn too?"

"Yeah. She's still kind of upset Jack missed her birthday. Uh... the guy working here said there were only two books out though."

Ames rolls her eyes. "Nope, I definitely remember reading the third book. Harmony and I have talked about it."

"Talked about what?"

"The last Harry Potter book. The clerk said there were only two."

"But that's silly. I've read the whole series. Oh! Do you think he meant in Hungarian?"

...

"Read the whole- You mean you've read all three books right?"

"Uh. Hello! There are seven books. One for each year of Hogwarts. Duh..."

Okay. Even I know that's not true. How could she- uh.. "Harms..? Are you like some sorta seah?"

Ames rolls her eyes at me. "Harmony is not a seer."

But Harms pauses and looks thoughtful. "Maybe?"

Ames eyebrows climb into her forehead as her head whips back around to stare at Harms. "Maybe!?"

"Well... I like that answer better than the idea of me _wanting_ to dream of Xander and Willow making out all the time lately."

...

"I hate to burst your bubble there, but I remember the third book too." Ames scrunches up her nose, thinking. "The same book too, since we've talked about Buckbeak before." Harms looks at Ames like she has a question. "...No." Ames rolls her eyes. "I do not dream about Willow making out with Xander."

Now she looks so sad. "It's okay Harms." I pat her on the back. "I believe in you. We can check and see if Wills and X-man are getting it on when we get home."

"Really you two?"

"What? They're both cute. Hey! No making retching noises at me. I'm trying to be supportive here."

"Lord and Lady. You two do whatever you want. I'm going to text Jack and see if he remembers the third book too."

"Ask him about the rest of the series too!"

"There is no rest of the series." She shrugs at Harm's glare. "Either way, we'll know when we get to Heathrow."

 **-Heading towards the bar-**

"Come on Ames. It'll be just like going to The Bronze only more with more Hungryans." And maybe if I can get you and Jack sloshed enough I can get you both to get off your asses and get somewhere with each other.

Harm and I drag Ames into the Bar.

...

I'm dancing with some guy when I feel slightly dizzy. Woah. I haven't been this drunk since... I did not have nearly enough to drink for this. Did I?

The guy I'm dancing with holds my shoulder to steady me as I stumble slightly. He starts trying to... where are we going? I shake my head and try to focus.

Blonde hair in my face? Oh. No that's my drink... "Harrrmm?" My words sound slurred, I miss when I go to take my beer back. I'm definitely drunk. Harms doesn't give me back my beer.

She's yelling something at the guy I was dancing with and his buddies?

Dude on the left is yelling back. Not cool. Leave her alone!

...

No. Did he just hit Harms? Not okay. I swing my fist at his face. I end up spun around when I miss.

Shaking my head to try and clear it is a mistake. Makes the room spin.

Some guy grabs me. His mistake. I head butt him in the face. Down he goes. You do NOT hit my friends you fucker.

His buddy tries the grab me too. I manage to get a hold of his arm on the second try, twisting it until I feel that telltale snap.

I think he screams. My vision is filled with the barrel of the gun the third guy points at me.

I duck and roll like Jack drilled into me. There's a loud bang.

I wind up sprawled on the floor. Rolling. Bad plan. The gun is pointed at me again.

It's gone?

The gun clatters to the floor beside me. What?

There's a pile of clothes next to the gun. A ...rat..? climbs out of it. What?

Bright flashing lights fill the room as Harm and Ames help me to my feet. "What happened?" I ask. I think. I'm not sure it comes out right.

I'm being hugged. Okay. This part's not so bad.

 **-Police Lockup-**

My head hurts. Harm's shoulder makes a great headrest.

Ames paces back and forth in the cell muttering something. She seems angry about something.

There's a loud buzzing and then a clank. "Okay. You three. Free go." The cop that almost speaks English tells us.

Harms and Ames help me up. Standing sucks. Everything's spinning.

We walk out to the front lobby of the station. There's a couple of cops napping in the chairs.

Jack is talking to one of the cops. He looks annoyed. I yawn.

Ack! Whats going on? Why am I... Okay. I'm being carried. I think standing up sucks more so I'll allow it.

 **-Hotel Room-**

We stop moving. Jack puts me down on a bed.

"So... what happened?" I dunno. How did I get here? I close my eyes and listen to Jack and Ames talk while Harms strokes my hair. It feels nice.

"Some guys took a liking to Faith. She apparently has enough Rohypnol in her system to knock out a horse. Didn't stop her from putting two of them in the hospital."

... I was hypnotized?

"I'm going out." Jack sounds angry about something. I hear the door open.

"No. Jack. Wait."

"...What?"

"Here. It's everything I was able to magic out of the cops about them while getting us out of jail. Should help you find them."

"I'll take care of it."

"I know."

I hear the door start to close, then open again. "And girls?"

"Yeah yeah... I know, you're never going to leave us to our own devices again."

"Actually I just wanted to say how proud I was of all of you. You stuck together and looked after one another. Hell, I didn't even need to post bail." The door closes.

The bed shifts as Ames flops down onto the bed on my other side.

...

When did we leave the bar?

 **-Sunnydale Cemeteries-**

I race into the cemetery to catch up with B for patrol. Wait... what the shit? Is that X-man and G? Where's B?

A vampire runs out from behind a crypt heading straight at them from behind. "Look out!" They finally spot me racing towards them, and then follow my finger towards the vamp.

X steps between the vamp and Giles. Taking a blow to the chest that knocks him down. He doesn't get up. The vamp stops moving and shakes its hand out? Weird, but I ain't complaining..

Grabbing the vamp when I arrive, I smash it's face into my knee. "Man I've missed this!"

Buffy comes running around the same crypt, finally, "You're back!" B tosses me a stake. I dust the vamp before he can regain his senses.

X-man, lying on the ground, asks sadly, "Can I get a little help here?"

"Xander! Are you okay!?"

"I'm fine Buff... the armor Jack made me works great. I barely felt anything. But... it's just..." He sighs. "It's too heavy for me to stand up on my own right now." Oh. Wow... He's wearing most of his Halloween costume.

Laughing, B and I pull the X-man to his feet. B pats him on the back. "Why don't you head on home. Faith looks excited to patrol. She and I can take it from here."

"Yeah X-man, I got this. Oh man, wait til you hear what happened. I had the weirdest week while on vacation."

"You had a weird week? I bet mine was weirder."

"You're on! I'll go first. So Harms is convinced she's like some kind of seer now, right? Because..."

A/N2 – Obviously Faith is not firing on all cylinders in some of the last few scenes. She may come across as far less... everything than normal. Since I've never been roofie'd, it's based on my recollections of seizure meds.


	49. Interlude 10B – Playing Card Houses

**Interlude 10B –Houses made of Playing Cards:**

***Buffy POV***

 **\- Patrol - Cemetery, Sunnydale : Sunday -**

"... And then! I get home, _covered_ in sewer gunk. And I find _him_. Doing _things_ with my _mother_. Things I can _never_ un-see now." I shudder at the memories and continue trying to repress.

He who shall no longer be mentioned in my presence decides it's okay for him to speak again for some reason. "Buffy, be reasonable. Your mother and I have already apologized for that. And we were cursed." I continue ignoring him.

Faith laughs at me. Laughs! "Damn, B. I didn't know Mrs. S was into kinky shit like that."

"Why would you say that!? It is _not_ funny. It's totally of the yuckage and mental trauma causing. I'm going to be seeing Mr. Platt until I'm like 40 now. Thank God Dawn wasn't home."

Faith just shrugs at me. "Okay, you prolly win weirdest week. But I still have you beat for suckiest night though. It turns out that roofies give me-" Faith cuts off abruptly. What the what? Roofies!? "Who the hell are you?"

A woman walks up from behind... _that librarian guy..._ "Gwendolyn Post. Mrs. Your new-"

Not a vamp? "Don't care!" I turn back to Faith. "What was that about roofies!? Are you okay?"

Faith just smiles at me. "Yeah, B, I'm fine, and Ames turned the guy that tried to shoot me into a rat, so it all worked out."

"Tried to shoot you!?"

Faith laughs.

 **\- Library, Sunnydale High : Sunday -**

"No offense, lady, but I'm telling you, I don't need a new watcher!" Faith stomps through the library doors behind me. "I already got G-man and my brother. That's plenty of supervision."

"Duly noted, and fortunately, it's not up to-" Mrs. Post pauses. "Your brother? You don't have-"

"Half brother! Whatever! I'm fine. So you can just go ahead and Mary Poppins your way back home to England. Kay?"

"Regardless of your feelings on the matter, the fact remains that the council feels that you _do_ need a watcher of your own. I am to act in that capacity, _and report back_."

"Now, Faith, if the council feels you need closer observations, well of course we'll all cooperate with Mrs. Post." Says _that librarian guy_ while polishing his glasses.

"The council wishes me to report on the entire situation here. Including you." Ha. I like this new lady already. That's what you get for... you know what you did. "The fact is, there is talk in the council that you've become a bit too… _American_." Giles!? Mr. Stuffy Brit is too American? I mean... _him?_ "Now... where do you keep the rest of your books?"

"I'm sorry, the… rest?"

"Yes, the actual library..? Oh. I see."

"I assure you, Mrs. Post, this is the finest occult reference collection…"

"…this side of the Atlantic, I'm sure. Do you have Hume's Paranormal Encyclopedia?"

 _That librarian guy_ looks uncomfortable. Serves him ri-

"I've got that one!" Faith shouts happily, Dragging her backpack up onto the table and rifling through it. "Found it with Ames in this weird little shop in Hungry." She pulls out an oversized book that screams research material. "Jack was hoping you might take a look, make sure it's genuine and shit before we shelve it back home."

"Ah. Yes. Quite. I'd be very happy to." He smiles at the traitor masquerading as my sister slayer. We're supposed to be mad at him not bailing him out- Oh whatever. At least Dawn's still on my side. She even ran screaming from the room when she first found out. And mom was too embarrassed to get mad about the _tiny_ dent in the car's bumper. "I should probably mention that Mr. Winters and Miss Madison maintain a rather impressive collection of texts for ones so young. We've worked out something of an exchange system for my own demonology texts. You may wish to consult with her before you disparage the resources at our disposal."

"I see. The council did mention that operations here seem somewhat haphazard. Faith. Sit up straight and pay attention."

Faith glares at her, folding her arms across her chest, and remains slouched. The new watcher yields first with a very Giles-like sigh of exasperation.

"A demon named Lagos is coming here, to the Hellmouth. Mr. Giles, an illustration of Lagos, if you please." Barely pausing a moment for Giles to even find that picture she sniffs dismissively. "Perhaps later. Lagos seeks the Glove of Myhnegon. No record of this glove's full power exists. We do know it is highly dangerous..."

 **-The Mansion : Monday Night-**

I stare into Angel's eyes. Our arms wrapped around each other-

The door swings open with a bang. Startling me. I leap back away from Angel "Yo, B!" I hear Faith yell before she comes into the mansion looking annoyed. "I brought the blood you asked me to pick up, but it's time to motorvate if we wanna catch this Lagos dude tonight." She's holding a cooler and that stupid hammer Jack gave her is strapped to her back.

" _Lagos?"_ Angel sounds concerned.

"Yeah, he's some kind of Demon looking for an all-powerful thingimibob and-"

"I've heard of him. You two be careful, he's dangerous."

Faith throws her arm around my shoulder and hands over the cooler to Angel. "So are we. Should be fun." She waggles her eyebrows at me.

"This is human blood." I look back to see Angel holding a bag of blood away from himself and staring at Faith.

"Yeah, I didn't have time to hit up the butchery with Mrs. Poppins crawling all over my ass lately." I can feel her shrug next to me, arm still wrapped around my shoulder. She gets extra touchy feely and protective when Angel's around. Like she doesn't trust him not to... "I asked Jack to grab you a blood bag from the hospital."

"He can do that?" I ask.

"Of course he can." Faith rolls her eyes at me. "He works there don't he? But seriously, B, we gotta get a move on." She pulls me towards the door, looking over her shoulder. "You okay there, Gramps? It's not like the blood's gonna bite ya or nothin."

I sigh, closing the door behind us. "Must you call him that? You know much it annoys him."

"Tell you what. I'll stop calling him gramps if he stops being 200 years older than us."

"Jack is a terrible influence on you."

"Nah, B. I just know you could do better." She punches me on the shoulder.

"Really? This from little miss 'get some and get gone, you can't trust guys that aren't family'?"

Faith laughs. "Says 'the girl that's boinkin the undead and refuses to tell me how it is'."

"That was one time! _Past tense_. I don't know what you think you saw, but there is no boink-age going on now. None."

"Damn, girl. You must be about ready to pop." She gets that grin on her face that warns me she's about to say something especially crass. "Does this mean your mom's gettin more action-"

I clamp my hands over my ears. "Shut up! I'm trying to repress-"

A large stone lid launches off one of the tombs in the cemetery ahead of us. A huge demony thing climbing out behind it. "Sonuva bitch, B, looks like it's our lucky night."

 **\- Library, Sunnydale High : Wednesday Morning -**

"Finding the Glove of Myhnegon is of the utmost urgency." Mrs. Post says as if we _haven't_ been searching for it every night this week.

"Look, lady. We searched every cemetery in town. If that glove was ever here it ain't here now. We killed Lagos already. Let it go." Faith glares at her. I hold up my new Axe and give her my fakest smile.

"You'll simply need to apply yourselves properly. Have you canvassed the local demon community?" Mrs. Post continues as if Faith hadn't spoken. At least Jack refuses to be in the room with her. Dealing with both of them might drive me insane.

"And ask them what?" I nod my agreement with Faith.

"Yeah, you haven't told us what this thing does, or even really looks like!"

 **-Willy's Bar : Wednesday Night -**

I grab Faith. "Okay. Let me do the talking. Willy already knows I can hurt him if he doesn't talk."

Faith laughs and gives me a mock bow. "Be my guest."

We walk into Willy's bar. He waves at me? "Hey there, Faith. Usual?" He sighs. "Did you _really_ need to drag the Slayer in with you?" I suddenly feel like I'm missing something.

Faith shakes her head no while laughing and sits down at the bar, hands raised in surrender. "Sorry, Willy. I'm supposed to let her do the talkin."

"Come here often?" She grins and nods at me. Of course she does. Why wouldn't she hang out in a demon bar with her half demon brother.

"Yeah, Ames and I come down on Thursdays for Clem's poker game." Huh... Demons play poker? Actually sitting down at the bar... is new.

"How is Little Madison doing anyway?" _Little_ Madison? Amy is like 4 inches taller than I am.

"Oh come on, you know she hates it when you call her that." Faith shakes her fist at him. "She's good. She had dinner with her dad and his girlfriend and then Jack took her out into the desert for the night. Some sort of _special_ _celebration_. Just the two of them." Faith waggles her eyebrows.

... oh. "So Jack and Amy _are_ together? _"_ Oz did mention that Jack smelled like her. Which was creepy enough, but then he said Jack also smells like Faith too now so _that_ can't be why.

 _"_ Christ, I hope so." Wait. Even _she_ doesn't know?

 **-Library, Sunnydale High : Thursday Morning-**

"So, Willy hasn't heard of the Glove, but he said that his customer's are all terrified of some new sort of demon in the caves below town. Apparently it spews lighting and drags whole vampire crews into the depths, and get this, when it's not cackling like a madman, it speaks Gaylish." I report.

"Gaelic. Yes. That does sound promising." _He_ smiles.

"You have searched these caves then?" _She_ demands.

"Nope. Why would we? My brother is down there all the time. He hasn't told me about anything like that."

 **-Caves : Friday Evening-**

"And here we are. Again. As if I don't have anything better I could be doing with my Friday night."

"Yeah, like staring at Angel's-" Faith's teasing cuts off as her flashlight beam swerves out to my right. "Mother Fucker!"

I turn around and find her sprawled on the ground. Ha! That's what you get. "Tripped again?"

"Yeah. I don't get how you can just walk around down here in the dark without any problems."

"I... don't know. I just kind of feel where to step. Like when I'm fighting with the blindfold on."

"Yeech. I _hate_ that exercise. So glad Giles doesn't make me do that shit no more."

"Didn't you break one of the bookcases last time?"

"Shut up. I couldn't see anything!"

"Yeah. That's kind of the poi- ...shhh." Loud rhythmic clanging noises are echoing down the tunnel. "Do you hear that?"

"...yeah." Faith whispers back. We nod at each other and make our way towards the sounds.

Hearing muffled voices, we come around a corner and find ourselves looking at a pair of large brown demons with overmuscled necks. Behind them is a glowing wall of energy that lights up the whole area.

One of them backs away, tripping and falling backwards, seemingly startled by our arrival. It falls through the glowing barrier while the other...one... waves at us? Then it hits itself in the head?

Oh. The demon's head lifts up and off, revealing Jack's grinning face. "Hey, guys. What brings you two down here?"

Beside me Faith laughs. "This the spaceship?"

The brown demon on the floor lifts off its own head to reveal Amy's face. "It's _NOT_ a spaceship. I don't care what Jack says."

 **-Library, Sunnydale High : Saturday Evening-**

Mrs. Post slumps down in her seat. "Giles, not that I don't super appreciate it, but isn't shooting her kind of an extreme way to say no to more cave searchage?"

Putting the tranquilizer gun down on his desk, he walks over. "Yes. Sorry. I just got off the phone with the council. It seems our Mrs. Post here was fired from the council going on two years ago now for abusing black magic. They certainly hadn't sent her here, and asked that I apprehend her."

"DING! DONG! THE WITCH IS DEAD!" Faith bellows at the top of her lungs practically directly into my ear before grabbing my arm and pulling me in a circle laughing.

"Oh... Those wacky watchers eh? Good thing you gave them a call."

"Actually, Xander, they called me. Apparently Joyce found her behavior concerning enough to write Mr. Travers a letter of complaint." Giles polishes his glasses, looking embarrassed. "They were rather cross with me in fact. They swear there was a memo sent out." That explains why mom was suddenly all curious about Mrs. Post. Maybe I should have told her sooner?

"Way to go, Mrs. S!" Faith continues her little one girl celebratory dance party.

"Hey. We should go thank her. Who knows what might have happened if she hadn't let them know." Willow smiles at me.

 **-Summers' Residence-**

We all pull up in front of my house, split between Cordelia's car and Giles's... citrus thing.

I'm helping pull Faith out of the backseat when I hear shouting from the house.

Shouting in my house after dark. "Oh god." I run towards the house, Faith scrambling to catch up behind me. I hear Cordelia ask, "what's going on?"

"Sounds like a fight," Faith calls over her shoulder as we race up the path to the door, the doorknob breaks off in my hand as I barrel straight on through. Crap! Mom just replaced that.

Crossing through the living room I hear Angel, sounding worried. "Joyce, listen to me!"

"Fuck off, Angel! You're scaring Dawn." Jack's voice. Angel? Scaring Dawn? Oh crap. Dawn! No. No. No! NO! Angel no! You can't be here! Not after what happened last year.

"Joyce, you can't trust them, they're vampires. You have to Invite me in!" Vampires!? I charge into the dining room.

I see- no vampires? Just Angel standing in the back doorway, stuck outside the threshold. The table is knocked on its side, Jack standing in the middle of the room, with Dawn hiding behind him, shaking with terror. My mom is hugging her from behind trying to calm her down and pull her away from Angel.

Angel isn't leaving. "Angel! You can't be here! You're scaring my sister." While I'm trying to get Angel to leave, Faith runs past me to mom and Dawn. I hear Giles come through the front door and ask if everything is alright... Crap! Giles doesn't know you're back. "You have to go!"

"Buffy! You have to invite me in! Jack is a vampire."

"No he isn't. He just smells like one. Oz thought so too at fir-"

"No you don't understand, Buffy. I helped Dru turn him and then we buried him behind the mansion." What!?

"...the bloody 'ell is- oh bugger." I turn and see... Spike!? standing in the kitchen. He's staring at me with two mugs of hot chocolate in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

As I'm pulling out my stake, my mom yells, "Buffy, thank God! Get rid of him before he hurts your sister again." Again!? Oh crap she means Angel.

I hear Xander shout behind me. "Holy shit it's Angel! Stake him!" Double crap!

"YOU MEAN YOU KNEW!?" Jack sounds angrier than I've ever heard him. Faith is latched onto him from behind trying to hold him back as he literally _glows_ purple with rage and steps towards Angel swinging his fist. Faith dragging along behind him, her boots scraping lines into the floor. Angel turns to dodge, taking Jack's swing in the shoulder, and there's a wet crunching noise of bones snapping as Angel goes spinning back away from the house.

"Yeah!" Xander yells.

A/N2 – Parts of the dialog are directly quoted from Joss's BTVS scripts for "Revelations" and "Lover's Walk"


	50. Part 34 – Laying down the Rails

**Part 34 – Laying down the Rails:**

 **-Hotel, Budapest-**

Amy opens the hotel room door. Her eyes are looking a little bloodshot and she smells like coffee. "Everything taken care of?" Her voice is low, but steady.

"Yeah." I answer in kind as I step into the room, closing the door behind me. "Did you sleep at all?"

"No." She walks back over towards the chair that's been moved next to the coffee machine. "Faith's woken up a few times now. She's still a little out of it but she's getting better." She refills her coffee cup and sits down. "She still has trouble remembering things. I've had to tell her what happened three times now."

I look over at the bed. Harmony and Faith are passed out clinging to each other. "Ah. How's she taking it?"

Putting down my new hockey bag full of loot, I fill my own cup of coffee while Amy sighs and tries to find her words. "Better than I think I would. She usually calms down when I get to the part where she puts two of them in the hospital."

"That's our Faith for you. Resiliency through violence."

"Yeah. She is that. What did you do to them?"

"Are you sure you want to know?"

...

Amy looks over at the bed for a moment before meeting my gaze head on. "Yeah." She means it too. I don't even need thrall to tell that.

"They checked themselves out of the hospital AMA. Walked themselves back to their little hideaway where they kept the last girl they grabbed. The one that actually spiked Faith's drink was fully awake but apparently unable to speak for some reason the entire time his buddy raped him to death. That can take hours it turns out, even with his buddy's sheer enthusiasm for the project. That buddy seemed to be rather horrified by what he'd done after he finished boxing up the first guy's heart. I guess he couldn't take the guilt anymore because he gave his pistol a blowjob."

I'm still a little sad about that last part. That pistol was the first gun I, or even father, ever owned. I shrug at my own thoughts, this way the police will have another suspect for the monk's massacre. Plus, the small arsenal I found in their basement should more than replace it.

"I have the first guy's heart and some blood boxed up for later if you want to look into dragging his soul back up here and taking a personal interest in how it spends the rest of eternity. I'm thinking Hades should be more than up to the task if we can get it gift wrapped and delivered to the fields of punishment. He's supposed to a creative bugger about this sort of stuff."

I turn back to stare Amy in the eyes. She hasn't so much as flinched once. They grow up so fast. "The third guy of course still thinks he's a rat. Well done there with the quick thinking." I down the remainder of my coffee.

"Thanks."

"You do know how to reverse that spell if you accidentally transmogrify someone other than your target right?"

"Of course I do."

"Make sure you put the directions in writing. Preferably described simply enough so that even Harmony could follow them and we'll add it to the emergency binder back home."

She rolls her eyes at me. "I did that when we first put that thing together."

I smile. "Good girl. Want to see what I found while I was out for my walk?" Amy's smile is tight, still tinged with worry, but she nods.

 **-Flight Home-**

I can hear the clickclickclick-Blahgh! noises as Harmony works her way through the old catacombs under Tristram with Faith gleefully providing advice and commentary in between Pokémon battles.

Amy is passed out with her head on my shoulder while I continue to attempt to puzzle my way through the Orbs of Nezzla-khun's box's infuriatingly difficult arcane lock.

The sheer complexity of it makes me wonder if techno-mancy might not be the way to go. Then again from what I've been reading in the books I finally got Willow to let me borrow a few short weeks ago... learning everything I'd need to automate this process might take longer than getting the box open. Great for the long term, but I'd really rather have these things added to my toolset sooner than later.

 **-Nezzla Demon Lair, Sunnydale Caves : Late Sunday Night-**

I throw a rock at the force field. It appears to be just as strong now as it ever was. "See? Force field."

"Okay fine." Amy huffs. "There's a force field, but that doesn't mean it's part of some crashed alien spacecraft."

"Doesn't mean it isn't, either. I'll stand by my theory until you can prove otherwise."

"So how do we get past it? You said you wanted me to look for what's making it."

I grin at her. "Well, the demons that lived here were immune to it. So they could just walk through without any-"

Amy groans. "You're going to make me wear one of them aren't you. That's _so_ gross."

"Well... Yes." I never thought about that way. Then again, wearing someone else's body is such a fundamental part of my existence... I guess it just goes to show what you can get used to when you hvae no choice. "Maybe you should just try to focus on the whole having a force field around the house part, I guess? But anyway, not tonight. It's late, and we have school in the morning so you need to sleep. We can come back down here later. I just wanted to confirm that the demon's deaths didn't dissipate the field."

Amy and I walk back towards home. Just before we finish rounding the corner to bring the lab's vault door into sight Amy perks up. "Faith's home." Huh, I didn't even get a tingle from the wards. I guess I have to be in the house for it to even _try_ and signal me. Probably means I'm only getting the equivalent of those entry bell things. Amy at least clearly gets _useful_ information though, which is a plus.

"That's perfect. We can tell her about the spaceship. She'll love it."

"It is _not_ a sp- ... Someone I don't know followed her in."

We're both off like a flash.

Bounding up the stairs into the living room just in time to spot them as Faith and... Mrs. Post? walk out of it into the library. The fuck is _that woman_ doing in my house? Shouldn't she have arrived on Tuesday? Now that we're past the lab's sound proofing which Amy insisted on upping for some reason, I can make out their conversation... such as it is.

"See? Even has a Library. Fulla books and shit. I do _not_ need another watcher."

... Okay. This will not do. "Excuse me! Hi..." I pause to reign in my impulse to simply kill her and be done with it. Even as annoyed as she sounds, I don't think Faith is ready to see that yet. "Who the fuck are you and why are you in my house?"

I suddenly have to fight off an attack of amusement that threatens to dislodge my irritated indignation at the look of relief on my sister's face when she spots us.

 **-Winters Residence : Monday after school-**

I open the door. "Hey there, Bats."

...

He's standing on my doorstep with a hockey bag stuffed full enough that he seems to be having trouble carrying it..? I raise an eyebrow. "What's up?"

"That armor you made me is a bit heavy. Got knocked down and couldn't get back up until Buffster and Faith got there the help."

"Huh. I didn't think about that." It's amazing how fast you get used to supernatural strength. "Here, let me take that, we can put it on the table by the couch and take a look."

Between us we assemble the various pieces into a roughly person shaped pile and then step back.

"Okay. Are there any parts you don't need? Places you don't ever get bruises while running around with Buffy?"

I look over to see him thinking. Every few seconds he opens his mouth and then shakes his head and closes it before finally answering. "My shins are usually okay. You know, except for the occasional minor 'I tripped over a headstone' type injury."

That... says rather a _lot_ actually. Pity about your choice in causes, but I can't fault your dedication to it. "Well, I seriously doubt the boots are the problem weight wise." I sigh. "It's probably the Kevlar lining that's weighing you down. Of course removing that defeats the whole damn point of the armor." I could probably compensate with magical enchantments, but I wanted armor that would work even in an anti-magic field... or do those even exist? I know Giles tried to bind Willow's magic, and I was able to get that magic-suppression serum, but I haven't found anything on directed fields.

"We don't actually see that many guns here in Sunnydale."

"Yeah, sure, but it only takes one... well, okay, I suppose... being worried about high caliber sniper fire may have been a bit excessive. They'd probably use armor piecing rounds anyway. I'll see if I can get a stripped down liner rated against small arms. Shave off a lot of weight that way."

"Awesome." He looks around the living room. "...What's with all the holes in the walls?"

"I'm pulling down the drywall on the exterior walls to add bullet proof reinforcements." I point out the stack of metal sheets as Xander shakes his head in amused disagreement with my 'paranoia.'

"Want some help?" From a professional contractor in the making?

"...Sure. I can even pay you in Twinkies." He laughs as we each grab a side of one of the metal sheets.

"What are these goofy symbols?"

"Amy etched some sort of strengthening runes into them. Apparently they can stop tank rounds now." I leave out the fact that doing so even once would probably not just drain all of the soon to be five capacitors down in the basement, but burn out everything connecting them. Even without any kind of power boost, they ought to be enough to stop bullets and the like from getting through.

...I really need to sort out a proper mana battery rather than relying on an amateur techno-pagan electric converter. Damn things keep burning out on me. Though that might have as much to do with the level of stress I'm putting on them as it does my relatively low skill with making them. If only the local journeyman technomancer wasn't _Willow._ Even ignoringthe fact that she's decided my first name is Jerk rather than Jack, I'd never hear the end of it from my Amy if I brought in _that red haired know it all_ as a contractor. Gods, the fact that their rivalry started over _academics_ just seems so unbelievably... _high school._

Xander's been laughing while I was ruminating. "Isn't that kind of a tiny bit extreme?"

I stare at him with a straight face and ask, "... have you met my sister?" I bring my hand up to my shoulder. "She's about yea high, breaks EVERYTHING. My only concern is if this turns out not to be _enough._ "

 **-Joyce's Office at The Gallery : Tuesday, Lunchtime-**

"I don't know how I feel about this new watcher Joyce." I mean... I know she won't be able to get a hold of the Glove and turn traitor but still... Finding her in my house was not something I ever planned on. Pity Faith would probably object if I just ate her.

"What new watcher? Did something happen to Giles?" I pause. Giles. Not Mr. Giles. I suppress a grin.

What was I saying? Oh right. "No. no." I wave the idea off. "She's supposed to be Faith's watcher... Didn't Buffy tell you?"

"Buffy _often_ forgets to tell me important details in her life." She looks so disgruntled, I can't help but laugh.

"Oh Joyce, weren't you just telling me about how you wish she could have a more normal life? I hate to break it to you, but teenagers leaving things out of their stories is definitely normal."

"I'm aware. I was one once too you know."

"Oh right! I heard about all the fun I missed last week. Did you enjoy yourself."

"I can't believe you heard about that. We really didn't mean for Buffy to walk in on us on the couch like that. I'm sure she's telling everyone she's been scarred for life."

...

Shame that it sounds like there was no police car, but still. "Buffy walked in on... you and Giles? That's... That I did _not_ hear about yet. So you did have fun I take it?"

Joyce covers her face as it turns bright red. She nods though.

"I uh... may have ordered a bunch of that band chocolate in advance to appease Snyder after I told him about my family vacation plans. If you and Mr. Giles ever wanted to go away for a weekend..."

Joyce looks back up at me wide eyed. "...You're joking... You're not joking? You kept it? "

"Of course I kept it. I have no idea if the magic is still any good yet, but at worst it's tasty chocolate."

"...I'll think about it..." She takes a deep breath as her face tints slightly pink again. "But you were telling me all about this new watcher my daughter forgot to mention to me."

Well, If you want to pump me for information that I wanted to give you... who am I to complain? "I can't quite put my finger on it... She just... gives me the wiggins, you know? It's not any one things she does per se..."

 **-Winters Residence Driveway – Wednesday night-**

I carefully load the last of the supplies into the back of the truck and strap them down firmly. Then, after double checking that the darts loaded with the magic suppressor are loaded into the pistol strapped to my back one final time, I hop into the driver's seat. "Ready to go?"

Amy nods in the seat next to me. "You sure you can't tell me where we're going?"

"We're going just a bit over an hour's drive... thataway... I think. Northeast."

"But that's... okay. Care to tell me _why_ we are driving an hour into the desert?"

"Nope. _That's_ the part I'm not gonna tell you. It would spoil the surprise. But trust me, you're going to love it."

Amy rolls her eyes at me and goes back to her game, muttering about crazy vampires obsessed with birthdays.


	51. Part 35 - Rerouting Trains

**A/N - I would like to take this moment to express just how bleeping annoying it is that FFN's document manager consistently strips out ...'s and any bullet lists. I've been remaking them via -'s and spaces but still:  
I can have a bullet list when I upload or copy paste into the editor. I've tried remaking them using FFN's bullet list button in the editor that appears when you select the copy paste option.  
** **But if I hit save and go to look at it, not only is the bullet list deformatted out of existance, but the button for them is gone in the new editor that pops up, along with half my formatting and ...'s.  
Does anyone know what setting I have wrong that's making this happen or should I open a ticket with FFN's tech support... is there such a thing?**

 **Part 35 - Rerouting Trains:**

 **-Winters Residence : Late Wednesday Night-**

Faith practically pounces on Amy when we get back to the house. "Did you have a good time? How was it?" She's practically vibrating in place. I sigh. I recognize those warning signs. Somebody found the candy stash again.

Amy laughs. "Fantastic. I had a lot of fun. Goddess, I think I feel better than I have in years."

Faith's grin is blinding. "And...? Details. Come on. No holding out on me."

Amy looks to me for help, but I know better than to willingly involve myself when Faith gets hopped up on sugar like this. Rolling my eyes, I shoo the two of them into the house. "Go on, I'll take care of unpacking the truck."

Amy's bare instant of hesitation is rendered moot as Faith picks her up and carries her off, chattering about Amy's night.

Shaking my head, I unload what's left of the gear and carry it down to the vault.

Tapping out the combination to the safe and opening the door I'm assaulted by a small tide of demonic spiders. The Box of Gavrok is sitting in the middle of the safe, its lid slightly ajar.

Gods Damn It Wilkins. You were supposed to have taken the damned thing off my hands 4 days ago. Quickly rushing over to the box, I force the lid closed again.

Stomping out the spiders that got free I note that there seems to be a large pile of smashed looking spiders off to one side.

...

The hell?

This must be Faith's doing. Shifting one of the heavier crates onto the top of the box, I head back up the lab stairs to ask her. I clear the soundproofing just in time to hear Amy yell angrily. "Faith! No! We did NOT screw my brains out."

I snort. Not that watching her open Faith's present wasn't hilarious anyway.

Maybe I'll ask her about the spiders later.

Amy's aggrieved voice carries down the stairs once more. "There was no sex involved!"

Yeah... The spiders can wait. I wonder if Faith ate that last thing of popcorn already..?

 **-Winters Residence : Thursday Afternoon-**

My suspicions are confirmed when I find Faith in the vault letting spiders out of the box and then smashing them with a rubber mallet.

"Ahem."

"Hey Jack." She doesn't even look at me.

"Whatcha doin?"

"Killin spidah demons." She finally looks over at me, brow furrowed as if she's concerned "They are demons right?"

...

"Yes? I think they're supposed to be anyway. But, uh... why are you killing them?"

"Okay... So, B and I were fightin that Lagos guy right?" She pauses to smash another spider with loud crunch and a grin. "And then B made fun of my hammer cause it can't cut things in half like she did with the axe she took from him." Another spider gains the ability to empathize with pieces of paper. "So I said I bet I could kill more demons with even a rubber hammer than she could with her new axe." She points at the growing pile of dead demon spiders.

"What do you get when you win?"

"B has to call Angel 'Gramps' for a week."

...

"Amy said to tell you dinner will be ready in an hour or so. Do you wanna eat down here?"

"Nah. I should say goodbye to the sky before B and I get banished to the caves tonight."

"Excuse me?"

"Mary Poppins wants us to search the caves for this demon glove thing."

I glance over at the Glove of Myhnegon sitting on the shelf to our right. "Mrs. Post thinks there's a 'demon glove' down in the caves?"

"Yeah... It's pretty dumb. I fuckin hate caves."

"...You hate caves? I thought you liked nature."

"Caves ain't nature. They're dark and smell funny."

"... I see." Like a blind man. Shrugging, I add 'caves' to my mental list of things that just ain't natural according to my Sister along with 'giant ass bees' and 'eatin corn that ain't on the cob.'

 **-Winters Residence : Thursday After Dinner-**

Project Sanitation - November 19th - Progress Notes

Moe, Larry, and Curly finally no longer need prompting to hold meetings on their own.

They've begun to-

I feel my tattoos ping once, twice, three times. That's... got to be the wards' doorbell feature. Now what's going on? Putting my notes away I head upstairs to investigate.

I make it to the top of the stairs in time to watch as Faith flounces into the map room trailed by an equally annoyed-looking Buffy. Mrs. Post trailing along behind them looking smug as ever... I pause, taking a moment to remind myself that my irritation with her is for things she can't actually do this time around. That I need to be patient, and wait for her to self destruct before I do anything... rash.

Faith's voice carries back out and into the living room."See? Big map of the caves."

...

Buffy would be bad enough but Faith and I apparently need to have a serious discussion about the map room being off limits to Mrs. Post.

Gods. What a horrifying thought. The universe managed to find someone whose presence in the map room offends me even more than Buffy's.

Speaking of Stabberific Barbie, I hear her response as I start towards what I should probably rename 'Jack's office' so as to discourage such intrusions. "That doesn't look so- wait does that say 1 centimeter is 10 meters!?"

I lean against the door frame that my... guests... left open and watch them stare at the wall with looks of mounting horror. "Yup! They crisscross back and forth under the town. And those orange lines lead to the deeper bits I haven't mapped out yet."

"I suggest you both get started then. It is absolutely imperative that we find the Glove of Myhnegon." I roll my eyes. Right. Because searching the caves is going to help with that.

Faith's shoulders slump as she and Buffy head towards the lab stairs. If I didn't know they planned on destroying it with Living Flame I'd admit I already have it and be done with it.

"Hold up." I fetch the mining helmet I originally got for Amy from the workbench. Dropping it on Faith's head, I help adjust the strap to fit her. "Save your flashlight's batteries for backup."

Making a note to change all the passwords on the cavern entrance once this is over, I pat her on the helmet and smile as I watch her and Buffy set out into the caves.

I close the door and turn to find myself alone with an annoyed looking Mrs. Post. Believe me lady, I don't like it any better than you do.

I smile tightly. "Faith tells me you don't seem to approve of her living here with me."

"You're part demon. I'm of a mind to contact the council to have her-"

Reaching over and slamming the door's override over to locked, I catch her gaze. Her eyes widen slightly as I... slam into a sensation of resistance not unlike a weaker version of what I assume is The Mayor's mental protection spellwork.

Darting forward I wrap my hand around her throat and choke off her attempt to scream. Slamming her against the wall hard enough to disorient her, I take advantage of her lapse in concentration to drag her over to the cabinet where the suppressor darts are.

It only takes one.

Keeping a firm grip on her throat and leaning in and staring into her mind through her eyes, I whisper.

" _Tell me everything."_

 **-Winters Residence : Later that Night-**

Waving goodbye to Mrs. Post as she heads off into the night I close the door. Talk about striking intel gold. If even half of what she remembers-

"No! I forbid it." Harmony marches into the living room. What was she even doing in the map room to begin with?

Forbid what? Context people. It's a thing that exists.

...

I can wait. I fold my arms over my chest and wait for her to exp-

She holds up the orbs of Nezzla'Khan. The fuck!? "These? Are fucking tacky." Her hands are on her hips and she starts tapping her foot. "I have put too much work into getting you all to start dressing better to let you ruin it by wearing these... abominations."

"These aren't... they're not for wearing."

"Oh. Okay then." Tossing the orbs to me, she spins around on her heel and marches back out of the room.

I stare at the orbs in my hands. How!? I check the map room. The magically sealed box they were in, which Amy and I have been failing to open for weeks, is lying on my desk with the cover off.

How did Harmony get it open?

Maybe I shouldn't dismiss Faith's theory that she's a seer completely out of hand. She must have some manner of talent to have opened the box and work the tracking spells, right?.

Anyway... I go to cross "Open locked box" off of the list and add an entry to look into Harmony's possible abili-

...the hell is that? Tacked on to the list of halloween costumes in Faith's horrifying chicken scratch is 'Dawn - Catwoman.'

I guess maybe her crush on Bats survived my butterflies.

...Shouldn't she still be like 12 right now? I can't imagine she's supposed to have come to the bar with us.

Well that's... concerning... I have no idea what the supposed history is here.

 **-Mayors Office : Friday Afternoon-**

"Thank you for your patience, Sir. Mayor Wilkins will be with you shortly."

Setting the Box of Gavrok down next to me, I smile and wave him off. "Like I told you on Sunday, Allan, it wasn't a problem." Recalling Faith's bet with Buffy I laugh. "The biggest challenge I faced in the entire affair was keeping my sister from playing with the spiders." Allan's complexion pales. Fear tinging his scent. Huh? Oh... there's The Mayor.

"Mr Winters. I do apologize about the delay."

"As I was just telling your deputy, it wasn't an issue. I do hope everything is alright though?"

Wilkins smiles. "Nothing major. One of my campaign contributors had an issue during last week's fundraiser. I just had to smooth some ruffled feathers. All in a day's work for a small town Mayor."

...

Huh. I guess Lurconis survived ?

"Well I'm glad everything worked out okay then. I have that box you wanted."

 **-Winters Residence : Saturday Late Afternoon-**

Orb Sciences - November 12th - Initial testing

\- Orbs do not appear to require any special placement beyond 'on my person' to activate.  
\- Orbs do appear to be paired however, only having one produces no tangible results.  
\- Activating and Deactivating them appears to only require a minimal amount of focused will and thought.  
\- While active there appears to be some manner of instinctive information transfer, not unlike when a fellow Aurelian Vampire is nearby.  
\- Regrettably, while there is a definite sense of a timer ticking down while active and then recovering while inactive, the information transfer does not appear to include the linguistic base with which to understand the units of measurement. Further study will be required to determine maximum run and charge times.  
\- Mana/Power drain occurs during the charge cycle, and is quite excessive.

..?

I put down my notebook when the actual doorbell rings.

Somehow in the midst of this week's parade of unannounced and unwelcome visitors it seems almost surreal to have someone actually take the time to ring the mundane bell rather than just barging in and setting off the magical one. The itching in my tattoos as I'm approaching the door however makes me cancel the good feelings convention. It reminds me of the cousin that went up in flames during the Gem hunt. A few more steps toward the door and... yup, there's that inexplicable wellspring of positional data and other random factoids.

Gods Damn It. A male vampire from my family line is out there. I am not in any kind of hurry to deal with Angel today. Or any day for that matter. Peaking through the spy hole-

...

William? The fuck are you doing here? Shouldn't Mother have kept you in Brazil, and away from Buffy, if she wanted to keep you from burning in the sunshine? Oh, who even knows what she actually wants anymore. For a precog, her decisions make distressingly little sense.

He's early in any case, Mrs. Post is still running around.

Shrugging, I shove the orbs into my pocket and open the door. No sense making my Brother wait.

William is obviously a little drunk but is showing admirable effort to keep it together. He even smiles politely at me. "Hello, is there an Amy Madison here?"

...

Excuse me? "What?"

"Clem, down at Willy's bar, said I could find an Amy Madison here. Said she does spell work for demons?"

There are just so many problems bundled up into that little statement I don't even really know where to begin.

I opt to start with the easiest to deal with at the moment. "I'm going to go out on a limb here and say Mother broke up with you again?"

"Yeah. Wait how did you-"

...

William and I stare at each other for a moment, mirroring each other in our confusion.

...

"You have no idea who I am do you?" His persisting confused expression answers me. "Gods fucking damn it all to buggerfucking Hades, Mother."

I sigh. She goes through all that trouble of making me and then-

"... You're Dru's alien then?"

"Yes!" I throw my arms out to the side. "So she does remember I exist. Thank you."

"She said you were dead." Err-

...

"Well, yeah... I mean, technically aren't we all?"

William glares at me. "She starts raving about Miss Edith saying you were gone and how the sunshine was coming back almost as soon as we got to Brazil. I remember that clearly because thats when things all started going wrong. This is your fault!" Attempting to punch me, William slams into the invisible barrier at the threshold. "Bloody hell. You've got a threshold on your house?"

"Oh right, yeah." I sigh. "I'd invite you in but I haven't had much luck with that yet." And damn, what a pain is the ass that discovery was. Having Amy come down to the lab so she could individually invite in each test subject as I dragged them up out of the caves was such a kink in the logistics.

...Now is not the time for ruminating.

I beckon him in, and then shrug exaggeratedly as the barrier continues to stubbornly refuse him entry. Fortunately he seems to find this more entertaining than angering.

Pulling out my watch, I note that Amy won't be back from her shopping trip with Harmony for a few more hours. Faith won't be back from Mrs. Post's latest spelunking efforts until even later than that.

...

Then again, since she's still insisting on continuing to look for the glove... it'll also be a number of hours before Buffy comes home.

"Tell you what, since I'm not really sure what to say about you and Mother breaking up... And I certainly don't know what to tell you about Miss Edith being so incomprehensibly wrong, why don't we go visit Joyce? She's much better at relationship stuff than I am."

"The Slayer's mum?"

"Yeah."

He nods. "Always liked her. Got spirit."

"Didn't she hit you with a fire axe?"

"Exactly." He nods with a small grin on his face.

...

I suddenly suspect Mother isn't the only member of our family not playing with a full deck.

 **-Summers Residence: Saturday Evening-**

Dawn answers the door. "Who're you- ...Spike!?"

...

I blink. I don't know what I was expecting, but Michelle Trachtenberg looking like her season five self, but in Faith's clothing and knowing 'Spike' by sight... was not it.

Well, crap. It occurs to me that now I really have no idea what the supposed history is here.

"Ello Platlet." Nicknames are a good sign right?

"Didn't Buffy make you go away?" ...huh. She sounds annoyed... but at Buffy? or Us?

William grins beside me. "I do what I please." Dawn smiles back at him. Alright then. Annoyed at Buffy. I can understand that. It's like my default state after all.

But still... What the hell is going on here?

Joyce walks into view from kitchen. "Who is it, Daw- Oh. Hello, Jack." She looks at William with a puzzled expression. "...Have we met?"

"Um... you hit me with an ax one time. Remember?" He begins pantomiming.

... This is season 2 material. What the hell!?

Cutting my brother off before he can get any further with a hand on his shoulder, I smile at Joyce. "This is my brother, William-"

Dawn giggles as William lets out an indignant, "Oi!"

I roll my eyes. "Fine... My brother, _Spike_." I make sure to push just how silly I think that is into my voice. Dawn at least seems amused at our antics. "He had a nasty break up and I was hoping we might trouble you for some hot cocoa and some of your maternal wisdom?" That last one gets an amused smile out of her. A teenager willingly admitting an adult might know something worthwhile? Perish the thought.

Even while still somewhat drunk, William manages to focus on the important things in life. "Hot Cocoa? With the little marshmallows?" It's almost disturbing how much happier the idea seems to make him. Moping the entire way here, and it's the little marshmallows that drag him out of his funk.

Dawn rolls her eyes at us, but then stops giggling and stares at me funny while her mom gives us the closest thing to an invitation a Sunnydale resident can manage. I hang back while William and Joyce head into the kitchen to hunt down those ever elusive tiny marshmallows. "Is there something on my face?"

She huffs grumpily at me. "So... you're Jack? As in Faith's brother?"

"...Yes."

"Then I'm mad at you." Rather than sounding angry she says like it's the simplest and most reasonable thing in the world. Do they teach girls that in school or something?

...

"How can you be mad at me? We've never even met before." Talk about starting a research project off on the wrong foot.

"Exactly!"

...

I open and close my mouth a few times but nothing productive to say occurs to me.

...

Hands on her hips Dawn glares at me. "My birthday...? You were supposed to be here..?"

I'm not sure how to respond to that, but I'm fairly certain that admitting I have no idea when her birthday was, or why I should have been there, would be the wrong answer. If my Saturday morning cartoons are to be believed, I suspect somewhere up on high there's a bunch of dead monks looking down from their clouds and laughing their asses off at me.


	52. Part 36 – Collision Detection System

**Part 36 – Activating Collision Detection System:**

 **-Summer's Residence : Saturday Evening-**

I sip my hot cocoa and lament the length of Joyce's dining room table. Sitting on the long side makes it exceptionally difficult to surreptitiously observe Dawn whilst pretending I'm watching my Brother and Joyce play out their canon conversation.

"So I happen to walk by, and she's making out with a Chaos Demon! And I said, you know, I don't have to put up with this, and she said, fine, and I said, fine, do whatever you want! I thought we'd make up, you know..." my Brother rambles. I think the most disturbing thing is that he's quoting his canon lines word for word. Mother's actions made no sense in the show, but now that I know that she knew what's coming... they make even less than no sense.

"Well, she sounds very unreasonable." Joyce responding identically to his story makes sense. Boring, but makes sense.

Finally yielding to boredom and my own idle curiosity I quietly scoot my chair down Dawn's way and lean over to whisper at her. "So, how did you meet William anyway."

"Who?" She grins at me. Oh, I see how it is.

"...Spike."

"What about Spike?" Really Dawn? We're going to play this game?

Joyce's voice fills the silence I leave as I glare at Dawn's smirking face. "...their lives just take different paths. When Buffy's father and I started having trouble..."

"How did you meet Spike?" I huff.

"He..." Dawn pauses, choking up a bit. "He saved me from Angel."

Huh. I guess that would make sense. A pretty little 13 year old girl? No way Gramps would have passed up that opportunity.

"But this is different! Our love was eternal! Literally!" William sets his mug of cocoa down with a wistful sigh. The smell of the whiskey he added to his cocoa is strong enough I'm surprised Joyce hasn't said anything. "I'm going to go pour another cuppa. Anyone else for one?" Impressively he manages to stand up with only the slightest swaying on his feet. I doubt I'd catch it if I wasn't looking for it.

"Oh! Me please!" Dawn knocks back the remainder of her own and holds it out to him.

While William heads off into the kitchen with to refill his and Dawn's mugs, and likely dump in the other half of the bag little marshmallows, Joyce smiles at me. "I don't think you ever mentioned having an older brother. He seems very nice..." Joyce takes a sip of her cocoa, and glances at Dawn with mischief in her eyes. "...I can definitely see why Dawn was so smitten with him for months."

" _MOM!_ " I laugh at Dawn's outraged yelp.

"Yeah. He's a good-"

William's affronted response cuts me off from the kitchen. "Oi! Right insulting that is! Big Bad's a- Ooh, the marshmallows!"

Releasing the breath I was holding mostly by habit when William started his traditional rant, I wait for Dawns giggles to quiet down a bit before continuing.

"I haven't actually seen him in years." Gods, it really has been forever since I watched the show. Shrugging, I scratch the back of my head. "I didn't even know he was in town until he showed up on my doorstep. I'm probably just as guilty in that regard as he is, I never really tried to reach out..." I probably should have. Though I'm not sure really sure how to address a letter to 'a Vampire somewhere in Brazil.' Sighing, I refocus on the conversation at hand. "...I've been a bit fixated on getting Faith settled in and everything lately."

"And how is Faith doing? I hear she and my daughter are-"

"Moooom! That's cheating."

"Excuse me?" Joyce asks while I add my own confused look in Dawn's direction.

"You're trying to get him to tell you about Buffy! And you're using _my_ friend to do it."

I raise an eyebrow at that one. "So now we're friends? I tho-"

"Not _you._.. Faith, duh! I'm still mad at _you_."

Oh right. That nonexistent birthday party I allegedly failed to attend. Also explains the shirt. I snort, before grinning at Joyce. "It seems we'll just have to talk about you and Giles instead of-"

"SO! Buffy and Faith. What're they up to?"

Laughing at the horror in Dawn's voice, I start to explain. "Mrs. Post still has them searching the caves-"

There's a loud crash to my left. My first thought, before I actually look, is that the whiskey William's obviously been adding to his cocoa got the better of him. Then my family radar kicks up another hit and Joyce screams, "Oh my God. Get away from here!"

Oh... Gods Damn It, Angel. Dawn lets out a terrified scream and I'm on my feet and between her and Angel before I really even process what I'm doing. Ah well. Unintentional or not, Joyce will probably appreciate the gesture. I doubt however that she'll appreciate that in doing so, I sent the dining table toppling over. There's a loud snapping crunch and thud as it crashes to the floor, breaking the chair William was sitting in along the way.

"Joyce, listen to me." Seeing Angel look and sound so fucking horrified while he's stuck outside the house _is_ pretty damned amusing. I can properly appreciate why William found it so entertaining in canon now.

Feeling Dawn's shaking hands digging into my sides in a panicked grip, I join the mounting verbal fray. "Fuck off, Angel! You're scaring Dawn." I think I even manage to sound properly angry instead of amused.

"Joyce, you can't trust them, they're vampires. You have to Invite me in!" Yeah, not going to happen, Angel. I can hear Joyce trying to comfort Dawn behind me. Something about him not being able to get to her again.

"Angel! You can't be here! You're scaring my sister." Buffy shouts-

...

Buggerfuck! When did Buffy get here? Gods Damn It, I forgot how weak the signal her terrible Vamp-dar puts out is. This suddenly just stopped being funny.

Hearing Faith join Joyce in trying to calm Dawn I start running my options. Depressingly, I'm fairly certain that Faith would _not_ back me up in a direct fight with Buffy. I doubt she'd help Buffy either but that still leaves us with a 2 vs. 2 match, and my back up is drunkenly filling hot cocoa mugs in the kitchen.

Giles' voice asking if everything is all right somewhere in the house is just the fucking icing on the cake.

Fortunately Buffy's expression seems to be in agreement with me that Giles presence is not a good thing. "You have to go!" She yells at Angel. Okay, maybe I can salvage-

"Buffy! You have to invite me in! Jack is a vampire." Are you fucking serious!? After all the work I put into-

"No he isn't. He just smells like one." I resist the urge to smirk at Buffy's answer. Apparently that work wasn't entirely useless. "Oz thought so too at first-"

"No you don't understand, Buffy. I helped Dru turn him and then we buried him behind the mansion."

...

Oh come on! I start rapidly cycling through fallback plans. I'm fairly certain that Angel just buggered most of the ones early in the alpha... bet...

The full import of what Angel just said finally clicks. Grandfather knew I was in the ground behind the mansion. He tried to end the world while I was in the process of being born. _He tried to kill me_. Before I even had a chance to... anything.

"YOU MEAN YOU KNEW!?" My fangs slide out as my world starts tinting red with rage. Grandfather turns to dodge as I swing at his face. I manage to clip his shoulder, and feel the satisfying crunch of bones snapping as he goes spinning backward to the ground. My world continuing to descend into a red haze, I stalk forward. Let's see how much grandfather likes being the helpless one.

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

The red tinting to my vision starts receding as Faith's face replaces it. "NO!" She screams from an inch away from where she's pulled my face down to. Something is wrong. I've only seen her look this upset twice before. "You are _not_ a mistake." Her voice cracks a bit. " _WE ARE NOT MISTAKES!"_

...Breathe in. Breathe out.

Coming back to myself I note that Faith hasn't actually pulled my head down, but rather is holding onto my head and lifting herself up.

...Breathe in. Breathe out.

Hugging Faith, I lower her down to the ground where she latches on to me in return. While I wait for her to release me I take stock.

My neck is not that strong. I must have triggered the orbs at some point. The little countdown timer running backwards in my head confirms it. I suppose the fact that they get triggered by anger is a good thing. Maybe.

I have no idea how long I have before my new toy kicks into recharge mode automatically, leaving me vulnerable and draining away my blood supply. I toggle it off to save its battery, grimacing slightly at the additional drain this places on me. I'll be absolutely ravenous later on tonight, but at least this is a countdown timer I have some practice reading.

I don't even actually know what happened for a bit there. I appear to be outside now. I'm holding what looks like a broken piece of Joyce's back door in my hand. At my feet, Angel looks- No. Warden Liam looks like I broke the door on him. _The Prisoner_ can go fuck himself with a rusty melon baller.

Given Faith's response, I must have been shouting something beyond just obscenities while doing that breaking. Something _Family_ related from the sound of her response.

...

Right then, nothing for it. I'll have to assume I may have accidentally confirmed his story. Operation 'Aliens did it' is now live. Gods Damn It, that one relied on so much improv work it didn't even get a letter.

Faith's grip loosens and I follow suit. "Thank you, Faith. I needed that." She takes a step back and nods at me.

Debating just leaving my fangs out, I decide there's nothing to be gained from being any more confrontational about this than I absolutely need to be. Pulling them back in, I turn to head back into the house with Faith a half step behind me.

...

I immediately suspect my initial assessments and planning may have neglected to account for a number of things. Such as the silent madhouse I walk back into for instance. I probably should have been suspicious when I didn't hear any fighting. Getting out of here without having to carry my Brother home as a jar of ashes is clearly going to be an... _adventure_ in and of itself.

William is backed up against the wall by the doorway to the kitchen.

Buffy has her stake out, raised to strike out at what would be my Brother's heart were Dawn not between them.

Dawn is glaring at her sister with a thunderous expression on her face. That feeling of being a step behind and missing critical information amps itself up another notch.

Their standoff has left Xander and Giles bottlenecked at the doorway to the living room, horrified expressions aimed at Dawn. Judging mostly by hair colors, I think it's Willow and Cordelia I see behind them trying to get a look at what's going on.

William of course looks to enjoying himself at least much as he did in canon. Drunkenly making faces at Buffy from behind Dawn instead of at Grand- Liam... from behind Joyce.

Well... Okay. They've obviously all been rather busy. It's _possible_ no one noticed my little break from reality. Maybe this is salvageable.

"Dawn, are you okay?" I'm not really sure why I open with that question, but it feels right.

Whatever impasse they were at breaks with my question. The sudden cacophony of shouting overwhelms even my augmented hearing.

"Right then. Faith, we're leaving." Keeping my eyes on Buffy I take a step over to Joyce, looking confused off to the side of the fustercluck. Once I'm close enough that I think she'll stand a chance of hearing me. "I'm sorry abo-" Buffy, apparently deciding my motion was hostile, lunges at me and buries Mr. Pointy in my chest. She's distressingly good at her one trick. Even if I'd tried to, I'm not sure I'd have been able to move fast enough to stop her. Urgh. I can feel the tiny subwoofer in my chest short out.

Silence falls on the kitchen just in time for twin cries of outrage. My own, "REALLY!? AGAIN!?" Gods Damn It! I _JUST_ replaced that thing.

And Dawn's "Gawd, Buffy! Psycho Much!?" I think I like this Dawn. She may even be one of my favorite people right now. Her outrage on my behalf is just too amusing for words. I just wish I knew _why._ I hate how obviously I'm missing something important here.

A half beat behind us, William's shocked cry of, "Bloody 'ell, mate." Reminds me that I now have even more explaining to do.

Buffy fortunately still seems to have been knocked off balance from my failure to dust. I really don't want to contemplate what happens when she or Giles start trying to be creative.

Faith, long since inured to my resistance to my surviving such injuries during crossbow practice, just stands in the door way and laughs. _Thanks Sis_. You're being _so_ helpful right now.

...

I suspect Buffy and I may both feel that way right now.

Keeping my voice as calm and level as I can, I resume speaking. "Right. So. As I was saying..." Giving a theatric sigh is painful with a stake in my chest, but I manage it. I think leaving it there does a wonderful job of painting me as the reasonable party here, and honestly, I'll take all the help I can get with that at this point. "Joyce, thank you for the cocoa. I'm sorry about your door and chair. I'll pay for the replacements, but my family and I are leaving, for obvious reasons." I glance back at Buffy with no attempt at sublety.

"You can't honestly believe we'll just let you walk away." Damn. It seems Giles may have been paying attention after all.

"Okay, I'm confused again..." you and me both, Joyce. You and me both.

"You're a _Vampire_?" Xander sounds confused and betrayed, but fortunately not certain. Maybe I can-

"You mean you all didn't know?" Joyce asks.

... The whole room just pauses for a half second as we all process the utter absurdity of that utterance.

"What!?" Joining Buffy and her crew in that surround sound shout is a surreal experience, even for me. I'd probably appreciate it more if I weren't distracted by the buggerfucking insane implications of Joyce's question.

As the now startled Joyce looks around, the fact that no one is really watching him at the moment finally penetrates the alcohol marinating my Brother's brain. William starts slowly sliding towards the back door.

Buffy notices before he gets more than 2 steps, but, likely due to being unwilling to leave me alone next to her mother, opts to gives Faith a look rather than attack him. Faith... looks to Dawn who nods? "Sorry B, I'm with the Dawnstah on this one." WHAT THE HELL DOES EVERYONE ELSE BUT ME REMEMBER!?

The urge to start banging my head against the wall is rising. "Look. You all obviously-"

"You're a Vampire!?" Xander's broken record circles around again.

"...You lied to us!" I think that was Cordelia's voice from the living room.

"HEY! I have NEVER lied to you!" The anger tingeing my voice entirely genuine. I have put an _obscene_ amount of effort into not lying to you people.

"Really, Mr. I'm just a half Demon?" Buffy asks, anger and disbelief written on her face, before returning to trying to watch both William and I at the same time.

Giles picks up the questioning baton. "Yes, quite. What, exactly, would you call your request for my help identifying _your father's species_?" Finally! Something I can work with.

 _"_ _That_ 's _what fucking bothers you!?_ I remember going to sleep in Boston, having some fucking bizarre dreams of being carried somewhere, and then waking up 3000 miles away in California! With Drusilla The Mad practically on top of me, calling me her _ALIEN_ moments later! Next thing I know I'm clawing my way out of a fucking coffin. I go to school, in the DAYLIGHT. I can _juggle_ crosses, and this-" I gesture to the stake in my heart. "Is _only_ annoying because the last time it happened it was fucking weeks before I got a heartbeat going again." Pausing to rip Mr. Pointy out of my chest, I glare at Buffy. "I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking. So excuse me for wondering if MAYBE," I start toggling the orbs on and then quickly off again to make the faint purple light it produces pulse. "JUST MAYBE, the fucking _psychic_ _pre-cog_ that called my father an alien was fucking on to something. And that just _maybe_ that was why I was born a fucking freak of un-nature that wanted to help you people save the world. But you know what?" I start to amp up the frequency of the orb toggles along with my volume. "You lot can all take your _genocidal racism_ **AND** **GO TO** ** _FUCKING_** ** _HADES!_** " I snap the orbs back on one last time just in case someone tries to stab me in the back, spin around, and march towards the door, grabbing William and Faith along the way and carrying them out the door.

I suddenly regret my apparent choice to use a door as a weapon, since it denies me the closure of slamming it behind me.


	53. Interlude 11A – KABOOM!

**Interlude 11A – It's My Birthday, and I'll ... KABOOM!**

***Amy POV***

 **-Winters Residence : Tuesday Night-**

I drag the last hamper into the laundry room.

The laundry I had sorted out into piles by color is of course all dumped on the floor in the middle of the room.

"Seriously!? Again? You're worse than Red."

Jack looks up at me from where he's lying buried in the pile of dirty laundry with an affronted expression.

"Hey, Cat and I reached an agreement. I get any piles of dirty laundry, it gets any piles of warm clean laundry. You and Faith of course get your laundry back once it's neither covered in your scent nor warm." Oh yes. _Of course_.

"Why is this even still necessary? Oz doesn't even look at you funny anymore." I'm still not convinced he ever was aside from that one night back at Ms. Bellevue's.

"True, but he stopped looking at me funny when I started doing this. Might be coincidence, but I think not. Now that you mention it though, he's started giving me a new kind of weird look lately and I'm not really sure what's up with that yet. I'm certainly not stopping before he does."

"Fine... but is it really necessary to do it while I'm trying to do the laundry?" I do the laundry _every_ Tuesday. You _know_ that.

"Hey, you're the one who insisted I needed to shower." Excuse me Mr. Crazy Vampire?

"Yeah, No! Common decency was the one that insisted on that. You wore a dead demon as a suit, you _needed_ that shower!"

"I'm not saying I didn't. I'm just saying that you played a role in our arrival at this moment."

...

Why am I arguing with a crazy person? " _FAITH!_ "

Rapid footsteps precede her arrival seconds later. "What's wro- oh." She rolls her eyes. "I've got it."

Ignoring his halfhearted protests, Faith scoops the obnoxious one up off the pile of laundry and carries him away.

Waving goodbye, I set about sorting the laundry by colors for the _second_ time today.

 **-Winters Residence : Wednesday Evening-**

"Am I a terrible person?"

"What the shit, Ames. Why would you say that?"

"You know how I had dinner with my dad tonight? He just seems... so much happier than when I was living with him."

Faith waggles her eyebrows at me. "Well, he is gettin laid all the time now right? That'll-"

"Faith! NO!" I fight back the urge to vomit. "That's my _dad_ you're talking about. I do not need those mental images."

"Just sayin, I don't think it has anythin to do with you. Unless this new girlfriend of his is a screamah and-"

I throw my hands over my ears. "LALALALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Making sure Faith's lips have stopped moving I take my hands off my head.

"Anyway, you've gotta get dressed for tonight right? Jack's little birthday surprise for just the two of you?"

"Yup. Has he told you what's going on?"

Faith smirks at me but shakes her head no. "I've got your present though. You can open it when you get there."

Taking the shoebox sized gift, I give it a little shake and can hear things rattling around inside. Faith just grins at me so it can't be anything fragile.

 **\- An Hour's drive into the Desert -**

"Now can you tell me what we're doing?"

"I figured we'd make a camp fire, roast some marshmallows for S'mores, and then..." I raise my eyebrow as he pauses. "I have a couple kilos worth of plastic explosives and remote detonators for you to blow stuff up with."

...

"AWESOME! Screw the S'mores, let's make with the KABOOM! already."

Jack laughs. "Okay, I brought along a bunch of things for you to destroy too. Grab the box on the left and pick out what you want to start with and I'll start wiring up the first charge."

 **-Many KABOOM!s later-**

"And now for the pièce de résistance." Jack takes my mom's old cheerleading trophy out of a box.

"Oh Goddess, I hate that thing. It's _so_ creepy. I always feel like it's watching me."

"Oh. Yeah, your mom trapped herself in it, so it probably is."

"WHAT!?"

"Now, given what we've seen one-tenth to one-half kilos do... I was thinking a whole kilo ought to be a good bet for reducing her to constituent parts."

"What if she gets loose!?"

Jack just smiles. "That's why I'm going use ten. Also, you'll have this." He pulls a pistol out from behind his back and hands it to me.

"You know I don't like-"

"It's a tranq gun." He cuts me off as he resumes pulling stuff out of the truck. "There shouldn't be nearly as much recoil, so your wrists will be okay. If not, we have green goop in the emergency kits. Besides, that's just in case we somehow get separated." He pulls out the AK-47 he 'found' in Budapest. "If it looks like she's gotten loose I'll just go ahead and empty an entire clip into her."

"You're _sure_ nothing bad will happen?"

"As sure as I can be, and I take your safety very seriously." Yeah yeah, I know, can't have your witch malfunctioning again. "After all you're my Amy."

"Of course you c- Wait what? What happened to me being your witch?"

...

"Don't be ridiculous." He mock-glares at me. "How can you possibly think I would ever say anything as insulting as that!? Witches are totally replaceable, but there's only one of you."

I... choose to ignore how ridiculous that statement is in favor of enjoying the moment.

"So, what do you say? You up for putting that chapter of your life behind you?"

 **-Later that night-**

"And the first S'more of the night goes to the birthday girl."

As I'm taking the S'more Jack just made me, I remember I still have Faith's present in the truck.

"Hang on a moment!" Shoving the S'more in mouth so I can't drop it, I run back to the truck and grab the box.

"What have you got there?"

"Faith's present." I try to say around my mouthful of chocolate and marshmallowy goodness.

Jack appears to get it, he nods and goes back to roasting his own marshmallow. I note that he's still keeping that tub full of water nearby while doing so, even with the extra long metal skewers.

Swallowing, I start ripping off the wrapping paper. It _is_ a shoebox. I really doubt Faith would get me shoes though. Harmony would, sure, but not Faith.

Popping open the shoebox with it aimed away from me in case there's a spring mounted prank turns out to be a mistake. Jack looks over and sees the contents, bursting into laughter before I check and find an economy sized pack of condoms and a vial of... is that blood?

"Oh, Goddess! Why, Faith, why!?"

Jack leans over and looks in the box again. "Maybe she explains in the card?"

What card? I check the box. There's a little note card with Faith's handwriting on it.

 _'_ _Wanted you to have fun. Not ready to be Aunty Faith yet though, so remember to use BOTH parts.'_

"Did you two plan this?"

"Plan what?" Jack's confusion sounds genuine, and he's not doing any of the little things he does when messing with Buffy.

"Never mind." I glare down at the note card, fighting back a smile. At Jack's eyebrow raised look I elaborate. "Faith seems to have embraced your arbitrary definition of family."

"HEY! What do you mean _arbitrary_!?"

 **-Winters Residence : Thursday Evening-**

The lock box Jack and I have been working on opening for weeks finally unlocks with a super satisfying hum.

Well look at that. I did it. I guess the fact that I opened this magical lock means that these books on arcane theory were just far too complicated for me to understand, huh Mrs. Post? After all I'm just some _little girl_. Suck it Mrs. Post I'd like to see you manage to get one of these damned things open.

Okay. So I _might_ have issues with people invading my library and telling me I can't understand my own books. _Maybe._

Now, let's have a look at what Jack wanted so badly. Erm... Two little red crystal balls with gold engravings? The hell are these for?

Hmmm... I wonder if- Oh shit! I'm supposed to be getting ready to go to The Bronze with Harmony.

I race out of the map room and up the stairs to start getting ready.

The wards tell me that Harmony is of course here right on time moments before she pokes her head into my room. "Amy!? You ready to go?"

"Almost. Just give me a minute." Harmony sighs impatiently at me. "Yes, yes, I know, you want to get there early to see-" I suddenly can't remember the name of the band she's so excited about. "Oh hey! You should go check out the magic jewels in that box thing Jack and I were trying to get open."

"You two got it open?"

" _I_ got it open. By myself, thank you very much. _Jack_ has been dicking around down in the lab since Faith and Buffy started their spelunking run. But you should go take a look while I get ready."

"Okay, but you better be ready soon."

"I will. I will. Promise." Harmony huffs, but leaves my doorway to head downstairs.

She returns a second later. "And you should wear that dress I bought you for your birthday."

...

Sigh.

 **-Harmony's Car : Saturday Evening-**

"Okay Eric, I'll tell him. Bye." I hang up the phone.

Harmony glances over from the driver's seat. "Who was that?"

"That was one of Jack's umpteen billion projects needing _more_ money. Apparently some sort of bank servers thing broke down." So far, Jack's plan to make us a lot of money is just _expensive_.

"Oh... Eric's one of those Google people right?"

"Yeah... I don't- Hey!" I point at the people fighting on the sidewalk "Is that Jack and Faith?"

Harmony looks over at them for a moment. "I think so?"

We look at each other for a moment before saying in unison, "Pull over."

As the car comes to a stop, I can begin to make out words in their apparent argument.

The blonde guy in a trench coat looks to be drunkenly trying to take a swing at an annoyed looking Faith while Jack stands between them, struggling to hold them apart. "You take that back! Dru's not crazy!"

"Oh come on William, even ignoring her love of... extreme S&M... you have to admit that she's a bit off her-" Jack sounds as exasperated as he looks.

"You shut up! She's just playful is all."

" _Miss Edith_ would say otherwise. If Mother isn't a bit off, Miss Edith would... have... to... be... oh. SON OF A FUCK!"

Jack flashes purple and both Faith and the blonde guy stagger back a bit. That's... definitely a new one for my wall of weird things Jack does.

Harmony doesn't seem overly phased by it as she and I climb out of the car. "Hey guys! What's going on?"

Finally noticing us, the three stooges all turn and look at Harmony and I. Jack's shirt has a large bloody hole in it over his heart. "What happened!?"

After a brief moment of silence Jack finally responds. "That's... a rather long story... it all starts with William here being told _the most insane thing ever_ down at Willy's bar..."

...Why is Jack glaring at me?


	54. Interlude 11B - Spike Interupted

A/N- I'm not sure how well this will measure up to your expectations of a drunken Spike. While it does not add anything terribly crucial to the story, it ought to be entertaining I hope.

 **Interlude 11B - Spike Interupted:**

***Spike POV***

 **-Willy's Bar : Saturday just after Sunset-**

Sitting down at Willy's bar, I order a pint of A neg with a shot of whiskey in it.

Willy knows better than to try and cut my blood with that orangutan crap he serves the fledges but I give the drink a sniff first anyway just in case he's turned suicidal while I've been gone.

"What brings you back to Sunnydale?" he asks me nervously. Ah... Home sweet home. It's good to be Big Bad.

"I'm looking for a witch. Need a spell cast for me." I tell him.

This loose-skinned demon sitting next to me buts in. "You could ask Little Madison over at the old Delta Zeta Kappa house on Crestwood."

I magnanimously elect to forgive the intrusion into the private chat cause he's being all helpful like. Turning so I can face both of them I ask, "She any good?"

Willy shrugs-

 **-Roadside : Saturday Night-**

"Excuse me!?" The taller of the two blonde birds from the car interrupts me.

"...What? S'what he did."

"He _shrugged_!?"

"Yeah, so? Who's telling this story anyway, you or me?"

"William-"

"Now don't you start that again, Alien Boy. It's Spike!" Only Dru gets to call me William. Will again too if Alien Boy's plan works.

He rubs his face, looking annoyed but there's no purple flashes. "Fine. Spike... meet Amy Madison and Harmony. Amy, Harmony, meet my brother Spike." I shake my head, It's still strange hearing him Dru's logic with adult words. Always wanted a family my Dru did, seems she went and started making one for us before she decided I wasn't demon enough for her. "He was just telling us all about how the man the demon community calls 'the snitch' knows about your magic."

Putting on the grin that those Irish triplets loved so much I come back to the conversation at hand. "You the witch that did the fireproofing on Willy's bar then?"

"I might be the witch that reverses it too if Willy didn't do more than shrug at you." Crazy bint suddenly has fire swirling around in her hand. I keep a close eye on it until it peters out in her clenched fist. Alien boy keeps strange company, hanging out with humans. Fire magic using ones at that.

"Can we just get back to the story?" The shorter blonde smiles at me. She's kind of fit enough looking. Haven't had a woman since Dru and I split...

"...Harmony, was it?" She smiles.

"Spike... focus..." My newborn brother pokes me on the shoulder. I'd take offense, but I 'spect Dru'd be plenty cross me with me if I dusted the Alien. Telling her he's still alive is part of the plan after all, and Dru always knows when I'm lying.

"Right then. Where was I?"

"You went to find Amy here."

"Right. So I found the Alien Wonder instead." I point at the walking purple lightshow himself. "He tells me the Slayer is down in some caves tonight and won't be around to bother us if we go say hello to her mum. Wonderful lady Joyce is, makes the best cocoa. But it bloody well didn't turn out that way did it?"

 **-Summer's Residence Kitchen : Saturday Evening-**

"... Ooh the marshmallows." I head back over to the counter to grab them.

I suspect I may have had enough of the hooch if I'm forgetting important things like that.

Dumping the marshmallows into the cocoa, but skipping adding any more whiskey just yet, I turn to head back into the dining room as a loud crash echoes through the house.

"What the bloody hell is going on out here?" I almost walk right into... Slayer. She's standing there looking all panicked to see Big Bad.

I spot Captain Forehead standing in the doorway, terrorizing the bit who's hiding behind Dru's newest spawn.

He's yelling something at The Grandsire, while Joyce tries to calm her down. Not too sure what they think a fledge is going to do to stop a master vampire.

I hear the whelp start yammering in the other room.

Eh... is he supposed to be purple like that?

Oh! Yes! Break his skull! I've always wanted to do that! Wait... How the- The bloody hell did Dru do? She can't have meant alien literally did she?

Movement. Slayer's stake comes at me, I dodge left, and then I would have had her but the whiskey gets the better of me and I hit the wall.

Bit's in front of me yelling at big sis to leave me alone cause I saved her.

...

I remember doing that.

Not too sure why I bothered though. Seems odd.

Oh right! The angry look on The Great Poof's face. Didn't like being interrupted did he?

So then then Alien Boy walks back in-

 **-Roadside : Saturday Night-**

"Yerr terrible at this whole story tellin thing ain'tcha?" The psycho bint Alien Boy says is our sister... or was that just his sister? They sound alike. Her being another alien would explain a few things. That or his thinking's even more free than Dru's and he hasn't noticed she's not a vamp. Hard to say with this one, bit of an odd duck either way.

"...Well maybe if you lot didn't keep interrup-"

"I think you mean maybe if you weren't hammered the entire time." Dru's Alien accuses me. Me!

"I was not drunk!"

"You _just_ said that you'd had so much to drink that you forgot about the tiny marshmallows!" A purple flash accompanies that one. Might be time to cut my losses, leastwise until I can get Dru to explain just what the bloody hell it is she made here.

"Oh shut up. Do you want to hear the rest of the story or not?"

"I want to know what Dawn said that left the room so frozen with horror when I walked in."

...

"Don't remember. Something about The Poof trying to take her though."

"No way!" Alien's sister shouts in my ear.

"What do you mean no way? S'what happened."

"Dawnsteh does not talk about that. She just... doesn't. Won't even tell me what happened. Not for anythin."

"Right, well, shocked the lot of them white hats when she did, didn't it?"

"And... are you sayin you saved her because you thought it'd be _funny_?"

"Course not! She's the Niblet, got to keep her safe don't I?" Or did I decide that afterwards? Not important. "Joyce would have a fit, anything happened to her like that. So. I was saying..."

 **\- Summer's Residence Dining Room : Saturday Evening -**

Dru's Alien walks back into the house with the brunette that rode him out the door in tow.

He asks Platelet if she's alright.

The peanut gallery explodes. Everyone starts shouting. I think they're giving me a headache on purpose.

Bit nods after a moment though. The important part that is.

Slayer stakes my new brother-

 **-Roadside : Saturday Night-**

"REALLY!? AGAIN!?" Flame gal sounds incensed again.

"That's exactly what I said!"

"Will you people bloody well stop interrupting me already!?"

...

"Right then. So the Slayer staking him is when I realized Dru might be onto something with the Alien nonsense. No fledge is going to survive a proper staking like that less his heart's not right. Bit though, she goes off on Big Sis. Then Captain Purple here, he throws a hissy fit when they start calling him names. So then we leave rather than get any more blood on Joyce's floor. Blighter didn't even let me have a proper go at mocking the broken poof, just dragged us on past him."

"I'm not letting you dust him. Just because I'm no longer speakin- Hey! It was _not_ a _hissy fit!_ Buffy fucking staked me! Again! And then her friends are all pissed off at me for NOT DUSTING! URGH... I suppose I'll add a carpet cleaning to the bill-"

"Why are we paying for a mess Buffy made? ...Again?" Fire-Happy the witch asks.

"...well I _may_ have lost my shit on... _Angel..._ and beaten him well past senseless with Joyce's back door. She'll probably need a new frame too."

"So... wait. Why were you guys all fighting on the sidewalk?" The pretty blonde one asks.

I point at the brunette... Faith was it? "This one here called Dru crazy. S'not crazy, just playful!"

"You said you were gonna go torture her into lovin you!" Course I am.

"So? S'what she likes." Brilliant plan really.

"See! She's Crazy!" I go to get her for that but I can't seem to walk forwards after the first step.

"Now don't you two start that again." Dru's Alien glares at us. What's he doing so I can't move? Oh.

Witch girl has me floating just off the ground. Bloody cheating that is. "Well... that answers my question about whether vampire lines share a family resemblance." She says before putting me back down.

"Hey!" the three of us shout in unison. Not sure what they have to complain about. I'm the bloke was just compared to a pair of loony bin escapees.

"Oh, Goddess. Let's just go home and grab his Christmas present already. Thanksgiving is going to be so awkward now."

...

"Christmas present?"

"Thanksgiving!?"


	55. Interlude 11C – Where Did I Go Wrong

A/N - And now... what you've all been waiting for... The actual events in the house. Mostly.  
I'm told that the last scene may require multiple read-throughs to make complete sense of and assemble the various conversations going on on top of each other but that it's very worth it in the end? Please let me know what you think.

 **Interlude 11C – Where Did I Go Wrong:**

***Joyce POV***

 **-Summers Residence : Tuesday of the Previous Week** (happens during 33) **-**

"I don't know, Hank. Maybe because she's our only child and she wants to see you! Lord only knows why, because I certainly don't. But you go right ahead and enjoy your time in Madrid with your secretary!" I slam the phone down onto the hook.

Leaning against the kitchen counter I try to decide how I'm going to break it to Buffy that her father won't be joining us for Thanksgiving this year.

I open a box of the chocolate Buffy had to sell for the School Band and munch on it to settle my nerves. Chocolate makes everything better.

Maybe if I invite all her friends over she won't have time to be upset about it? Of course, that's assuming they don't have Thanksgiving with their own families.

Xander is a safe bet there. Only... no, he might be having dinner with Cordelia's family this year.

...

It's too bad whatever Jack's half-something side is makes him unable to use a phone. I could invite his whole little family over for dinner. I'll have to ask him the next time he stops by for lunch.

Even if she and Jack aren't best of friends, I'm sure Buffy would love to spend more time with Faith. And it's just so nice knowing she isn't out there alone.

I pause to collect my thoughts.

Hmmm... **"** **Dawn, honey, could you come down here for a moment?"** I yell up the stairs.

Instead of coming down, my youngest daughter just yells back from her room **"** ** _What is it mom?_** **"**

Sighing, I head up the stairs to her rather than yelling through the house like a bunch of hooligans. Where did I go wrong that a little manners are too much to ask for?

"Do you know Faith's phone number? I was hoping to invite them all over for thanksgiving this year." That they all have their own of those mobile phone devices still seems excessive to me, but you can't fault it for convenience.

Dawn sags slightly. "... Dad's not coming is he..?"

"Oh honey, it's okay... You know your father loves you very much, he's just busy with work."

"Sure mom." She grabs a piece of paper and scribbles down a number. "This is Faith's phone number... uh... you should probably call Ames though. She's their version of ' _mom'_ and runs their calendar I think." My youngest smirks up at me on the mom comment and scribbles down another phone number.

I pull her into a hug when she tries to hand me the paper. "You sure you're alright sweetie?"

"Yes mom. Five by Five."

"What does that even mean?"

"...I dunno. Like, everything's good, maybe?" She shrugs. "Faith says it a lot. I think she said her favorite step-dad liked... radios..? before he died, so it's probably a radio thing."

That girl... has been through far too much in her short life. I'm so glad she and her brother found each other. Now if only I could get her to take after Dawn in clothing tastes instead of the other way around.

Walking back down the stairs, I start dialing the number for Amy's cell phone.

...

Can vampires even eat turkey..? I'm certain I've seen Jack eat normal foods. I'm sure it'll be fine.

"Hello? Is this Amy? It's Joyce Summers."

"Hi, Mrs. Summers. What's up?"

"I was wondering if you and your... housemates... would like to come to thanksgiving this year?" It still seems strange to me that those children all live on their own. I can't help but disagree with Mr. Madison on that. Jack's a nice young man and all, but I don't know that I'd call him a proper parental figure. They do seem to have everything well put together though. "Dawn thought you'd be the best one to ask."

"Oh! That sounds great. I'll ask Jack if he ever gets back here. Can you believe he got himself lost in _Czechoslovakia?_ Actually, you know what? Never mind. I'll _tell_ Jack that we _are_ joining you for Thanksgiving when he gets back." That's right, I forgot they were in Europe this week.

She sounds annoyed about it too. "Oh my. What happened?" Finishing a third bar of chocolate I settle in for what sounds like some absolutely wonderful gossip.

...I wonder what Rupert's up to?

 **-Summers Residence : Saturday Evening-**

William heads off into the kitchen to refill his and Dawn's mugs. Such a gentleman, offering to help out like that.

I turn to Jack who's been entertaining said youngest daughter while I have grownup talk. "I don't think you ever mentioned having an older brother." If Dawn hadn't called him Spike I never even would have known it was the same man who featured in her fanciful stories of daring rescue. "He seems very nice..." And I do so love that accent, I have to remind myself that he's actually far older than I am. "...I can definitely see why Dawn was so smitten with him for months." I tease, mostly. Though honestly, if expressing an interest is enough to stop my youngest from repeating my eldest's mistakes than why not? Of course his being the one to save my little girl may have _something_ to do with my thinking.

 _"_ _MOM!"_ Dawnyells, her voice full of teenaged outrage.

"Yeah. He's a good-" Jack cuts off as his brother shouts from the kitchen.

"Oi!" I think William keeps talking but it's hard to make out.

"I haven't actually seen him in years." Jack scratches the back of his head, looking slightly embarrassed. "I didn't even know he was in town until he showed up on my doorstep. I'm probably just as guilty in that regard as he is, I never really tried to reach out..." He trails off, looking lost in thought. "...I've been a bit fixated on getting Faith settled in and everything lately." I'm sure Faith appreciates everything you've done for her. Such a sweet young girl. It's hard to believe she's been through so much already from what I overhear my daughters talking about. Not that either of them would ever tell me about such things themselves. I have to content myself to taking advantage of how well sound carries in this house.

Jack at least fills me in on what he can. "And how is Faith doing? I hear she and my daughter are-"

" _Moooom!_ That's cheating."

"Excuse me?" Jack looks as confused as I feel.

"You're trying to get him to tell you about Buffy! And you're using my friend to do it."

Jack grins, looking over at her. "So now we're friends? I tho-"

"Not you... Faith, duh! I'm still mad at you."

Jack snorts and then grins at me with mischief in his eyes. "It seems we'll just have to talk about you and Giles instead of-"

"SO! Buffy and Faith. What're they up to?" Oh, well played. I'll make a proper parent out of you yet. Dawn sounds so horrified. She wasn't even the one to walk in on- Oh Buffy. I'm so sorry you had to see that.

I feel my cheeks heating up in embarrassment but Jack just laughs at Dawn and starts to answer her question while I recover. "Mrs. Post still has them searching the caves-"

There's a loud crash as the door flies open, Angel standing there with a crazed look on his face. "Oh my God. Get away from here!"

Jack is on his feet in an instant, tossing the table aside and putting himself between that monster and my daughter faster than I can blink.

I try to pull my daughter away, but she has her fists clamped around Jack's shirt. "It's alright. He can't get in. You're safe. We won't let him take you again."

I repeat my statement to her like a mantra while she shakes in my arms.

My world hones down to my daughter's slowly steadying body and my own repeated murmurs.

Sometime later Faith appears at my side, and the sound of my eldest's voice speaking nearby clicks in my head. "Buffy, thank God! Get rid of him before he hurts your sister again."

Suddenly Jack starts to glow purple as he charges at Angel, "YOU MEAN YOU KNEW!?" Fortunately Dawn let go when the purple lights surprised her and she isn't pulled along behind Jack like Faith is.

I have no guilt about being happy at the sound of bones breaking coming from the thing that hurt my little girls as Jack's fist connects.

With Angel dealt with I turn to see at what looks like all of my daughter's friends crowding into the doorway to the living room.

Buffy takes her stake out. Good. Go get rid of- "Buffy, what are you doing!?" Buffy starts attacking William who stumbles to the side, barely avoiding being impaled. It looks like he may have hit his head, the poor dear.

Dawn races away from me throwing herself between them. "NO!"

"Dawn! What're you doing!? He's a vampire!" Buffy shouts.

"I don't care. He saved me from Angel. I won't let you stake him."

"Angel has his soul back now, he's goo-"

Dawn gets directly in Buffy's face and screams at her, almost nose to nose. " **I. DON'T. CARE!** YOU'RE NOT THE ONE HE HELD DOWN AND TOLD HE WAS GOING TO _COMPLETE THE SET._ "

Oh no... no! nononono... please tell me you don't mean- No. Not my little girl.

William's voice reassures me even as he slurs his words. "...His face! He didn't like... being interrupted before the fun started did he?"

Before. Oh thank God...

"Dawn? Are you okay?" Jack is standing in the doorway. The door is missing.

People are shouting, but I can only watch as my little girl takes a deep breath and then... nods slowly, yes. She's okay. Oh thank God.

Buffy moves away, coming back over towards me- and punches Jack? He must have walked over while I was focused on Dawn. Why would Buffy do that? He _just_ saved her sister from that horrible-

"REALLY!? AGAIN!? Jack shouts. Again? Buffy!

"Gawd, Buffy! Psycho Much?" I can't even bring myself to chastise my youngest for breaking the rule I set out after Hank and I put Buffy in that place that _obviously_ didn't help her.

I stare at my daughter. _What are you thinking!?_ I don't understand what would make you think this is okay. I glance angrily at Mr. Giles, I'm sure this is your doing.

"Right. So. As I was saying..." He turns to face me. There's a piece of wood sticking out of his chest, but he just gives a resigned sigh, which is obviously painful. "Joyce, thank you for the cocoa. I'm sorry about your door and chair. I'll pay for the replacements, but my family and I are leaving, for obvious reasons." He glances at my eldest daughter. Yes, perhaps it would be for the best if we all took a moment to calm-

"You can't honestly believe we'll just let you walk away." Mr. Giles sounds accusatory.

"Okay, I'm confused again..." Why shouldn't we let him leave? _He's_ not the one who's done anything wrong here tonight.

"You're a Vampire?" Of course he is, Xander... wait...

"You mean you all didn't know?" Why would Faith tell Dawn but not everyone else?

...

"WHAT!?" Why is everyone staring at me like I've lost my mind.

 **\- One Awkwardly Silent Moment Later After Jack's Departure-**

I turn to glare at my daughter and her friends. "Well! I hope you're all proud of yourselves."

"You knew!?" My eldest daughter shouts at me.

"I know you and your sister think of me as just mom, but I'm not-"

"You knew!?" Xander yells from the living room doorway.

...

"Yes, Xander, I just said-" Oh. He's doesn't seem to be talking to me. Instead he's glaring at an incredibly upset looking Willow.

"...I- I'm sorry Xander! I just- and Buffy didn't want me to- and I- I sent him to hell, Xander! I sent him to hell! I couldn't just not help him."

"Angel!" and just like that my eldest daughter runs out the door.

I sit down at the dining- I sit down in a chair where my dining room table used to be.

...

I sigh. "Where did I go wrong?" I ask no one in particular. Not that anyone is paying any attention to me anyway at this point. Everyone arguing with, or just maybe at, each other except for Mr. Giles, who is polishing his glasses and staring off into space.

As I question my own parenting, Xander continues to rant at Willow while pacing about in the living room."Are you kidding me? Let's just take a look at Angel's highlight reel huh? Creepy sketches left in Buff's bed, a letter whose only wordage was your fish, Wills!"

Cordelia's voice cuts across Xander's, "And my car! He was in my car!"

"Then there's kidnapping dawn-" Dawn! She's not here, where's my little Dawnie? "-Giles's new look from the Spring domestic violence collection..." I race over towards the stairs. "-and that's not to mention our sudden need for a new computer teacher. So yeah." Xander and I pass each other in the doorway. "You've just got to help Angel. He's clearly the victim in all of this."

"Dawn!? Are you up there!?"

I have a few seconds of heart rending terror before my youngest appears at the top of the stairs.

"Yes, mom. But I think I'm going to go to bed okay?"

"That's fine, dear." I turn back towards the dining room. Xander has made it outside and is holding a piece of my back door while arguing with my eldest who's carrying Angel.

"How can you stand there and defend him!?" Yes. Thank you, Xander.

I try to focus on just how satisfyingly broken that monster looks, but seeing Buffy carrying him is just too much.

"Buffy! What are you doing!?" At my question, she starts looking back and forth between Xander and I.

"He's not- That wasn't- He..." My eldest trails off.

Nearby, I hear Willow say gently, "I think your glasses are clean now."

"He has his soul back. He's-" Buffy cuts off.

" **Oh, dear Lord!** " _Mr. Giles_ voice shouts behind me. Glancing back, it looks to be a delayed reaction to Willow taking his glasses away.

Xander cuts back in before my daughter has a chance to continue defending that bastard. "And what happens the next time he loses it? What do we do then, Buff?"

"He won't. He can't- we aren't- _That_ isn't- We're _just_ friends." How can you be _friends_ with _him!?_

"Friends!? He took your little sister! He tried to-" I can't bring myself to finish the statement. It's too horrible to think about let alone say.

"That! Wasn't! Him!" What!?

"What are you talking about, Buffy? I saw him-" I get cut off by Cordelia, again.

 **"** **WHAT!? WHAT DO YOU MEAN** ** _YOU'RE DRIVING THEM HOME!?"_** She screeches from behind me.

Everyone pauses, and looks at Cordelia as she paces into and then back out of view in the living room. She's holding her phone in front of her face rather than to her ear, staring at it in obvious disbelief.

"I'm... taking Angel back to the mansion." I turn back and go to protest, and Xander looks like he's about to say something as well, but we both get interrupted again.

 **"** **NO, I WILL NOT** ** _RELAX!_** **HARMONY, ARE YOU** ** _INSANE!?_** **YOU** ** _INVITED_** **THEM INTO** ** _YOUR CAR!?"_** Buffy stops mid backward step at Cordelia's latest shout, aiming a funny look into the house.

"...Did we all forget to tell her it doesn't work like that?" Willow sounds confused. I am too. What doesn't work like how?

" _Oh, good Lord!_ He can walk around in the daylight." Mr. Giles looks lost in thought even as he speaks.

My daughter resumes her attempt to back away from Xander and I, not stopping this time when Cordelia continues yelling into her phone.

 **They're** ** _Vampires,_** **Harmony!"** Everyone seems hung up on that one point.

"Buffy! Stop!" But she's gone, ignoring me as usual. Where did I go wrong?

" _Oh, dear Lord!_ He doesn't stake." Mr. Giles is definitely stuck in his thoughts, just looping his favorite words.

Xander walks back into the house looking furious and dejected. He glares at Willow for a moment before walking over to join Cordelia in the living room.

 **"** **NO, NOT AMY! JACK AND** ** _SPIKE!"_** Cordelia sounds even more irritated than before.

" _OH, DEAR LORD!_ What if he can make _more_ vampires _like him_?"

Xander walks back into the dining room, shaking his head. Still glaring at Willow, he tries to get Mr. Giles' attention. "G-man. You in there?"

Cordelia cuts in before Mr. Giles can answer. **"** **SO WHAT!?** ** _They'll EAT you!"_** Well, I hardly think _that's_ likely. They've been living together for months. To overhear Faith tell it to Dawn, she can barely even get Jack to _hug_ Amy.

 _"_ Oh, dear Lor- ...What is it Xander? And must you call me that infernal nickname in a time like this?"

Xander's answer is drowned out by Cordelia, again. **"** **EXCUSE ME! You can't possibly have just said- YOU** ** _LET_** **HIM BITE YOU!?"**

What!? That can't be right, I need to call Amy. I pick up the phone. Instead of a dial tone I hear Faith's voice. "...B's been stressin-"

My youngest daughter's voice interrupts her. " _Mooom,_ get off the phone! I'm talking to Faith." Oh good, I can ask her instead.

"Hey Momma S! ...Oh, Jack wants me to tell- HARM! EYES ON THE ROAD!" I drop the phone in shock. Harmony is still _driving_ while talking to Cordelia!?

 **"** **No, I don't care how many pounds you've- SPIKE! GIVE THE PHONE BACK TO HARMONY!"**

Oh thank God. At least _someone_ is being responsible. Thank you, William.

I catch a bit more of Xander's conversation with Willow and Giles. "Xander no! He has his soul back, you can't just-" Who..?

Xander cuts Willow off, yelling, "He's a Vampire!" Again, I'm not sure why everyone seems to be hung up on that point. It's not like they weren't vampires when William saved my little Dawnie.

"But- so is Jerk! Why- Why aren't you talking about staking him!?" Willow starts looking flustered. Who's a Jerk? Or should that be what? Is Jerk a type of demon?

Xander starts to reply. "Angel is clearly the bigger-" Giles interrupts him.

"I quite disagree, Xander. Certainly Angelus is a more _immediate_ problem but Jack has demonstra-"

The rest of Giles point is lost as Cordelia storms into the dining room. " ** _URGH!_** _Spike_ just called _me_ **rude** , and _then he hung up on me_. Spike! Can you believe that?"

Well you were on the phone yelling at the girl driving- The phone! I pick it up in time to hear Faith finish, "...the fuckin shit out of some dude crossin the road though."

"Faith! Language!" I shout before even thinking about it.

...

I can't help it. After everything that happened tonight, my reflexively chastising Faith for swearing is just too much.

I break down into hysterical laughter and can't seem to stop.

A/N2 - And yes... Joyce checks out for bits here and there and misses things Jack or Spike tell us about... I think her reasons are obvious. Some confusion regarding events is to be expected.

Also, It's been pointed out to me that I probably ought to specify that Dawn's recollection of season 2 both never happened because it's a fabricated memory, and that even in her memory Spike interrupts before anything can happen.  
Dawn doesn't exist until Joyce says "I pause to collect my thoughts." which were scattered by having just gotten rewritten on the fly.


	56. Part 37 – Oh Brother

**Part 37 – Oh Brother:**

 **-Winters Residence : Sunday Morning..? Already?-**

My tattoos flare for a moment. I make a quick note of the time in the margins. That makes four times in about as many hours that they've done that.

It's a strange itching sensation too. I suspect that somebody, somewhere, is having a tough go of it trying to make something stick. Probably Willow. I add a note to look into it once I'm no longer on fucking babysitting duty. Gods Damn It, this is going to get messy.

As the Mario Kart theme song begins its umpteenth loop in the background, the doorbell rings.

I put my notebook down and look around the living room. The rest of my little family collectively lets out an annoyed groan from their scattered sleeping positions and begin to stir.

Faith sits up, yawning, and begins to stretch. Her phone, finally falling from its nightlong perch on her forehead, clatters to the floor.

Amy's annoyed grumbles as she attempts to disentangle herself from what Faith calls Harmony's Koala-bear impression remind me that I should probably go see to the door before our visitor is immolated. I suspect charbroiled visitors would somehow be viewed as evidence that we're ' _Evil_ ' or some such nonsense by the local white hats. Damn that's going to get old fast. I burned through almost my entire supply of blood packs refueling after yesterday's little lightshow. Getting more blood is going to be even more of a hassle now that they're on guard and likely going to be watching me.

Passing by the couch, I glare down at my Brother. The only one to sleep through the doorbell, he's still passed out next to a empty bottle of whiskey. Yes, William, clearly it's my _bagged blood_ that'll dull the senses...

I shake my head and carry on towards the door. After his unexpected arrival, I suspect the doorbell ringing is going to forever be associated with things going sideways on me now. Still, nothing for it. I check the spy hole before opening the door.

...

Why is Allan here? I don't recall scheduling any more meetings after dropping off the Box of Gav-

...

Another glance back at my brother passed out on the couch leaves me resisting the urge to bang my head against the door as the obvious answer hits me. Instead, I plaster on my best smile and pull the door open. "Good Morning, Allan! Was I supposed to have a meeting Mayor Wilkins today?"

Sure enough, Allan manages to stutter out a nervous sounding denial. "N-No, Sir. But I-" Allan cuts out staring at me, or rather my chest..?

I glance down to- Gods Damn It! I never changed my shirt. Today is not my day. I wave my hand dismissively. "Oh, yes. I do apologize for that. I suppose I should have changed my shirt. In my defense, being stabbed by the local Slayer was a touch distracting at the time." I gesture at the undamaged skin under the bloodstained hole in my shirt. "Unlike what used to be one of my favorite shirts however, I'm fine. So, you were saying?"

"I- Er- We were hoping..." Allan finally manages to force his eyes up to meet my own. I wonder if this is how girls feel all the time. After a deep breath Allan even manages to sound calmer. "A man named William the Bloody arrived in town yesterday. The Mayor was hoping you'd be willing to... deal with him."

... Yup, that just happened.

I debate briefly trying to milk the situation, but I can't think of anything in particular to demand of Allan right on the spot.

"I see. William the Bloody... You want him gone? As in chased out of town?" Might as well put paid to any ideas about killing my Brother early.

"... Yes... That should be more than acceptable."

"Usual contractor rates apply?"

"Of course."

"Come on in for a moment then and I'll make the arrangements."

"Thank you, Sir."

Scanning the living room as I step back and out of the doorway, I note that the girls appear to have made their way into the kitchen. Waiting for Allan to take a step forward and gain a clear line of sight of the couch, I draw in a deep breath and bellow out. "WILLIAM! WAKEY WAKEY!"

I can't decide if it's William launching himself off the couch in gameface before clutching his head in obvious pain, or Allan stiffening next to me and suddenly exuding fear that makes me smile harder.

"The Mayor's Office would like to confirm your travel arrangements."

 **-After Negotiations and Reassurances are Completed-**

William lets out another startled yelp followed by a pained groan as the door closes behind Allan.

He's glaring at me when I turn back around to face him. "Is something wrong?"

"Bloody well right something's wrong." William Points up at the noonday Sun shining in through the living room's glass roof, eyes squinting down to slits as he shades his face.

"Oh! Necro-tempered glass. Truly _fantastic_ stuff." I shrug. "I figured Mother might want to hold a daytime tea party if she ever came to visit, so I had the whole roof redone. Maybe you can bring her by next Christmas? or- Ooh! That reminds me, I still need to give you your Christmas present. Come on."

William's response starts with another pained groan. "I know what the glass is, not being all crispy makes it bloody obvious don't it."

"Right. Hangover... let's get you some blood first then." Grabbing my notebook on my way by, I make my way towards the kitchen with Spike trailing behind me. Pushing open the door I'm just in time for the smoke alarm in the kitchen to trigger.

Faith is holding onto Amy around the waist, lifting her off the ground as she backs away from the stove.

Harmony has the fire extinguisher, aimed at the same, where whatever _was_ being cooked for breakfast is currently on fire. Even I can't tell what it was through the overpowering smell of smoke. The extinguisher begins spraying just after I walk in.

I can hear William stagger backwards away from the sound of the smoke alarm. In deference to his current condition, I reach up and disable the alarm by the simple expedience of crushing it in my fist. It's... unexpectedly cathartic.

As Harmony lets off the fire extinguisher, I turn to address the room in general. "So... I take it we forgot the rules about Amy not being allowed near the stove before her third cup of coffee?"

Three sad nods are the only answer I get.

"Right. Well then. Harmony, if you'd kindly make Spike some lemonade, I'll see about salvaging the stove and possibly breakfast."

 **-After Breakfast Proves FUBAR-**

"You're an odd one aren't you."

Putting the Sunday paper down, I look over at William. He seems far less hung over despite having only made it halfway through his glass of lemonade.

"You've let yourself be domes-" He cuts off with a confused expression as Harmony plops herself down in my lap.

"You're out of lemonade." Harmony informs me seriously, holding up her arm to my face before she turns to the table and continues talking. "I still don't understand why Cords is so upset that I drove you guys home." Sliding into gameface with a shrug I try and keep an ear to the conversation.

"I think she's more worried about your _weight_ _loss_ routine there." I can almost hear Amy rolling her eyes at Harmony in her voice.

"Oh please, like she hasn't done weirder things. Well, okay, maybe not Cords, but this one time, Aphrodesia tried this-"

"Ya shittin me?" Faith cuts Harmony off. "Aphrodesia!?" I almost snort. Yes, Faith, not only is _that_ her name, but she made fun of Buffy for hers.

"Oh yeah. She put on like 5 pounds last winter and-"

"No. Her name is Aphrodesia?"

"Yeah? So?"

Taking advantage of the confused lull as Faith and Harmony fail to understand each other, I look up at William from Harmony's arm. "You were saying?"

William shakes his head, confused expression morphing to amused as he glances around the table. "I don't know. I can't decide if you're insane or a genius. Maybe both."

Amy and Faith both chorus in unison. "Insane."

"Everyone's a fucking critic." I laugh and slide my notebook over to Amy. "Alright. If you two are awake enough to poke fun, then I'd like you to take a look over my notes on things we'll have to be on guard for now that..." I pause, looking over at Faith. "Until we know what the fallout from last night will be."

Amy nods agreeably and starts looking over the notes. Faith looks sad and annoyed as she pours out another bowl of cereal.

Lifting Harmony up as I stand and then putting her down in my seat, I start to make my way out of the kitchen. "Come on William, now that you've sobered up a bit I can show you your Christmas present."

 **-Winters Residence - Lab : Moments Later-**

Crossing the lab to the vault door, I start tapping out the password.

"The hell is all this then?"

I pause, turning around. "All what?" William is looking around the lab with an odd expression. "Oh. Just some equipment I use for my experiments." I shrug.

"...Experiments?"

"Well, yeah. You grabbing Mother and getting the fuck out of dodge kept her safe and all, which is great, don't get me wrong. But it kind of left me to figure out _everything_ on my own. For example... did you know that drinking the blood of another vampire is toxic?"

William's head whips around to stare at me, alarm written all over his face. "What!?"

"...What?"

"You drink blood from other vamps?"

"No. Of course not. I just told you... it's toxic. But from your expression, you already knew that, right?"

"Of course. Every vamp knows-"

"I didn't! No one was there to tell me _anything!_ I had to force-feed a bunch of fledges to each other and sort out what was happening." The purple light flickering through the lab is the only warning I have that I've triggered the damned orbs again. Toggling the orbs back off, I take a deep breath. "Sorry. I guess waking up and finding out I'd been abandoned behind the old mansion still bothers me more than I expected."

"...Right... So... that explains the cages then." William nods, but his voice has an odd sound to it. I don't think I've ever heard him sound... is he nervous? Oh... Right. The purple lights make _Spike_ back down. Weird as that is I guess I can't complain. Made separating him and Faith a lot easier. I'd put the orbs away, but based on last night I suspect I may need to repeat that performance a few more times before they stop trying to snipe at each other. Fortunately I caught onto what happened this time before they could expend much power.

"Actually, the cages came with the house. The previous owners were a bunch of cul-" The vault's rejection noise pulls me back to the task at hand. "Whoops. Timed out." I restart the password sequence from the beginning. "Anyway, focusing on happier topics... I was out in a cemetery with Amy this one night and we ran into a strange smell I didn't recognize..."

 **-One Possibly Embellished Tale Later-**

"... after which I needed to buy a new Leatherman. The blood got into _everything_ and dried solid as cement." I finish my tale as I hit the top of the stairs, William trailing along behind me twirling his new Polgara skewers.

Amy looks over at us from the couch as we walk into the living room. "Oh Goddess. You're telling that story again? Did you at least remember to include the part where I thought I was going to _die?"_

This again? "You did _not_ almost die. I had everything under control."

"Yeah, yeah, _of course you did_." She sounds... _fine..._ with it, but then holds up my notebook and waves it at me. "Hey, what's a council wetworks team? A lot of this-"

"Oi! Bugger those bloody bastards." Spike practically growls behind me.

"Okay... I know why I hate them, but what did they do to piss you off?"

"Tracked this Slayer for months back in the fifties, yeah? Bloody council put a bullet in her head and left her to rot before we could make a proper fight of it. No respect."

Luigi careens off the rainbow road as Faith's head whips around to face us. "What was that?"

"Right. So, council wetwork teams are the Watcher types' answer to any Slayer that doesn't march to their stupid tune. Old school British spec-ops and SAS types."

"You think _Giles_ is gunna send _assassins_ after me?" Faith sounds dubious.

"No. I think _Giles_ will file a fucking report, that his bosses will read, panic, and then _they_ will send assassins after _us_. Giles... will probably even manage to be surprised that they would do such a thing. Which is why I expect you all to start _wearing_ your gods damned vests _everywhere._ Even under your school clothes." Memories of father watching Buffy slide a knife into Faith's gut flicker through my mind. "...Especially under your school clothes."

...

"...she's a _Slayer_!?"

Everyone turns to stare at my Brother. "Seriously? How the fuck did you miss that?"

 **-Hours of Awkward Planning, Story Swapping, but Mostly Just Arguing Later-**

William gives a mock salute with his new Polgara skewers from the window of his Desoto before peeling out of the driveway.

"I know ya say he's our brother, but I don't think I like him very much."

"That's okay Faith. I know what you mean. Family is Family, but we don't always see eye to eye on everything."

...

Gods Damn It. I sigh. "I should probably check in on Warden Liam. Make sure the prisoner survived the night." Come to think of it, I can't actually think of a more fitting punishment than helping make sure Warden Liam continues to just... be himself.

The idea of Grandfather snarling in helpless rage as he watches Warden Liam save puppies and kiss babies makes me smile even in spite of the mess my Brother made of my life.

Ungh. "You know, speaking of William... fucks sake, he was only here for what? Less than 24 hours? Yet he managed to completely up-end my unlife."

Amy rests her hand on my shoulder. "Really? A vampire just shows up in your life one day and turns it upside down? Lord and Lady. I can't _possibly_ imagine what that must have been like for you."


	57. Part 38 – One Bigass Butterfly

**Part 38 – One Bigass Butterfly**

 **-Winters Residence – Lab : Monday, Nov 16th - 1AM-**

"So what are ya gunna do?" Faith asks as she helps me carry the gurney down the staircase.

I glance down at Warden Liam's sedated body. "Put Liam here back together. Dump him-"

"No. I mean... I get that." Faith rolls her eyes at me. She's clearly been spending too much time with Amy. "I meant about... the shit with... B, and the Watcha Council, ya know?" Her voice gets kind of quiet at the end.

"Oh..." Suddenly I feel like I'm dealing with the Faith that had just moved in all over again.

"Yeah... _Oh_."

I sigh. "Alright. Look. Obviously, we're going to have to lay low for a while. Try to avoid going out alone, stick to public places, that kind of thing. The morons in England like to pretend they're good people, so I don't see them taking shots at us in school. Storming the house in the dead of night and trying to drag us off to face a _trial_ ," I make sure to include the air-quotes, "is more their style. The house is pretty well fortified, so if worst comes to worst, we can just let that first smash and grab team break their faces on the front door. Beyond that, depends on how your... friends... react. Did Dawn mention anything about that while you two were on the phone most of last night?"

"Not much. Just that there was a lot of yelling, and that B apparently took off with gramps here." Damn. A well positioned spy in enemy ranks... and she can't be bothered to pay closer attention.

"Then for now, we do what we always do. Stick together and look out for each other. We'll just do it while more heavily armed and armored." I shrug. "Your emancipation paperwork finally cleared, so they can't try and pull any legal fuckery without getting mired in paperwork." Good fucking luck trying to convince a civilian court that I'm not a suitable influence on my adoptive sister.

 **-Abandoned Mansion : Monday 6AM-**

I open the back gate of the truck. "Alright, Warden, here we are. Home sweet home."

Pulling the gurney out of the back of the truck I make sure the straps are all tied down properly before lifting it up and walking towards the mansion.

I make it almost an entire second step before the mansion door bursts open and Buffy comes charging out with that axe from over the mantel in her hands.

"Oh, joygasm. It's Murderbot Barbie."

"What did you do to him!?" Yeah. So don't feel like dealing with an axe crazy Buffy today.

I shove the gurney towards her and back away towards the truck, keeping my eyes firmly on Buffy. "You know what!? Fuck off. I fixed your toy-friend, he's your problem now. _You_ can feed him the blood to wake him up. I am so incredibly done with your shit."

While Buffy runs towards to Warden Liam I put the truck between myself and her axe.

Keeping a close watch, and making sure she remains thoroughly distracted, I climb into the truck and drive away.

 **-Sunnydale High Classroom : Monday, Second Period-**

I watch as my English teacher nervously paces the front of the classroom.

I don't usually pay this much attention to her. I like her class just fine, the discussions are amusing enough, and the required reading is mostly different from father's own recollections.

But today I find her far more interesting than usual. Not just because I'm a little hungry either, though I am, but because she's pacing back and forth at the front of Mr. Bardunn's AP Calculus classroom.

I can hear Willow, in her usual seat up at the front of the class, trying to ask her what's wrong.

"Mr. Bardunn has the Flu. I'll be covering for him for a few days... But he should be back in time for the test you have on Friday."

The various overachievers that fill the room start sounding disgruntled. Willow in particular seems concerned about losing her precious learning time. Or maybe I'm just better at picking her voice out of a crowd? Hmmm...

"It's been a while since I've had to do any of this material, but I'm sure I can figure it out." I snort as mutinous murmurs fill the room. Ms. Tenghast... probably can't actually hear them as she turns to the board, armed with a piece of chalk. Gods people, it's just a-

Amy turns around in her seat ahead of me. "Fix it."

...

I forgot for a moment there that Amy was one of those academic overachievers, or rather is in any class she shares with 'that red haired know it all.' "What am I supposed to do? Spontaneously cure the common cold?"

"Just- Get up there! I know you know the material already."

...

Oh for fucks sake. "But that means being closer to _Willow_..." Amy's face indicates this is apparently just something I'll just have to live with. It practically screams how _fine_ she is with the idea. "Yeah, yeah, I'm going." I climb out of my seat while Amy continues to glare at me.

"Excuse me. Hi..." She turns around and meets my gaze. "Why don't you have a seat? I'll take care of it." My work with Dr. Walsh continues to pay dividends in the strangest ways. My voice sounds conversational even as I nudge her into agreeing with me.

I take the piece of chalk from her and Ms. Tenghast smiles gratefully. While she has a seat at the desk, I turn to the class. Willow looks suspicious, but she's been looking at me that way since Saturday.

...

"Alright folks. Good news! Those obnoxious rectangles we've been forced to draw for the past month and change? We're all done with those. Today I present to you Math, as done by a physicist. Where all the cows are points and everything explodes."

 **-After Class-**

The bell rings.

"Looks like thats all, folks. Any of you that want to see an example of what I meant about projectiles should swing by the metal shop classroom during last period. My project team will be test firing our rail cannon at a watermelon. Sadly, I don't think it will say mu."

...

I lean back against the desk for a moment while the rest of the class filters out.

"That was good." Ms. Tenghast's voice reminds me that she's still sitting there behind me.

...

Huh. Given how hurriedly I applied it, my thrall based suggestion ought to have worn off ages ago. I guess she decided on her own to let me keep going. "Thank you Ms. Tenghast. I think I enjoyed that."

To be fair, watching Willow try to maintain her suspicious stare while taking notes was pretty comical.

The look on her face every time one of my examples ended in something exploding... that alone would have made it worth it. I sigh happily. "Well, I should get to wood shop, see you next period."

"Bye, Jack."

 **-** **The Gallery** **-Joyce's Office : Monday Lunchtime-**

The door is open, but I knock on the frame anyway. "Hi."

Joyce looks up from her paperwork and smiles tiredly. "Hello, Jack."

I pause walking towards my usual seat, scratching the back of my head. "I wanted to say I'm sorry about your door again."

"It's okay, really. Dawn and I are very grateful that you got rid of Angel so quickly."

"Still... have you had a chance to get the damage assessed?"

"No, the contractor won't be able to make it out until Thursday."

"Oh... If you like I might be able come by at some point and put a new door in. Kind of depends on how much damage happened to the frame. I wasn't really in a good state of mind that night."

"It's nice of you to offer, but I think my oldest daughter might object."

"Yeah... Buffy and I aren't on the best of terms right now. Alright, well, send me the bill when you get it. Also, Xander might be able to help you out. He's proven pretty handy during some of my own home improvement projects. Has something of a gift for carpentry.

"I'll be sure to ask him about it."

"Right. Well, I should get back to school."

 **-Sunnydale High Parking Lot : Monday Afternoon-**

Faith climbs into the passenger seat of the truck.

"Where's Amy?"

"Catchin a ride home with Harms. Didn't want to leave anyone on their own today cause the others were all tryin to give us the third degree today."

"I see. Anything in particular I should be worried about? Or just the expected crap?"

Faith shrugs. "I don't know? Xander seemed upset that you're a vampire. B wanted to know what you did to gramps-"

"I did NOT do anything to... _Grandfather_... I fixed up Warden Liam. I told you, they are two completely sep-"

"I know! I get it. I told her all I knew was that I helped you carry him down and then back up those damned stairs."

I take a deep breath. "Sorry. I'm still a little bitter about that whole thing."

 **-Winters Residence : Tuesday, Nov 17th - Morning-**

"How do you feel about bee keeping?" Amy asks me as she sips her coffee. She's using her I had an awesome idea voice... which means this will either be amazing, or I need to be incredibly careful.

"I... don't think I like honey nearly enough to have any interest. Why?"

"Well I was thinking about trying to..." she glances over as Faith comes in, "...duplicate what happened with Beedrill."

"Fuckin seriously? The bees again? Why do you want _more_ giant ass bees? Wasn't one bad enough? Christ, it took that fuckin thing a week to die."

"I thought they might make a nasty surprise for any home invaders."

"Ya, cause the stupid _bees_ can tell the difference between me 'n a home invadah."

"Maybe if I-"

"I. Hate. Bees."

" _Children..._ "And just like that they're united in giving me insulted looks. "What about a mechanical drone? _Not_ a bee... but like a tiny helicopter thing."

"What controls them?"

"Well we'd need to program an analogue to a Queen," I glance at Faith. "Or an airport traffic control tower type deal if you prefer."

 **-The Espresso Pump : Tuesday Lunchtime-**

I watch the three stooges, whose real names I'd long since forgotten before I even finished introducing them to each other by proxy. They're holding a quiet meeting at the table in the corner.

Listening in from a few tables down, I can only manage to catch a few scattered pieces of their conversation over the steady din of customer orders and coffee machines.

Moe's voice. "...Mayor... over a hundred... in on it." Good... good...

"...we do?" Larry asks.

"... a guy... explosives." Aha! There we go. Thank you, Curly.

"...that work?"

"Our town... try?"

Perfect. I can now burn my notes when I get home today.

I knock back the remainder of my coffee and get back in line to order Faith and Amy their drinks to go.

Even if I had to help get them organized and pointed in the right direction, you really have to admire the ability of local conspiracy nuts to put pieces together. No doubt they'd all still be worried about who killed Kennedy or whatever it was that bothered Moe so much before I first ran across him. A few weeks later and they're unraveling the mysteries of our town's founding. I can't wait to see what they make of the explosives and diagrams I made sure Curly's friend Shemp would find interesting.

 **-Winters Residence : Tuesday Afternoon-**

Looking through the peephole, my confusion and paranoia start battling for primacy. The hell is Oz doing here..?

That he's out there looking fidgety is whole other set of 'wtf' inducing issues. Oz seems like an odd choice to use for bait in any kind of trap, but that might well be the point.

Quickly confirming my pistol is in place, and vest securely fastened under my shirt, I cautiously open the door. My bullets may not be silver, but he'd still feel them if anything tried to go sideways.

"Oz... What brings you by?"

He takes a deep breath. A visibly nervous _Oz_ is making all kinds of warning alarms start going off in my mind. "You kept those cages down in the basement?" Err- what?

"Yes?" Oz's naturally laconic nature is so not helpful right now.

"Full moon tonight. Was hoping I could crash in one." Considering how much this just screams Trojan Horse to me, I'm amazed my tattoos aren't going berserk again. Still... an opportunity to study lycanthropy up close? I suppose I can't deny his request out of hand.

I wonder what the excuse they cooked up was? "Don't you use the book cage in the library for that?"

"I'd rather not tonight. Willow and I broke up."

...

... Say what?

He sounded serious.

"Run that one by me again? _You_ and _Willow_ broke up?"

The hell did I do to make _that_ happen? I know it happened briefly in canon but I could have sworn I nixed that little subplot when I rerouted my Brother.

A/N – Amusing tidbit I noticed... BTVS:S3-E4 "Beauty and the Beasts" aired on a new moon despite being about a full moon oriented plot. Therefore, I've decided for timing purposes Full/New moons are reversed on Buffyverse earth compared to ours. (Yes, I looked it up. Yes, I know I'm weird.)


	58. Part 39 - Little Butterfly Buddies

**Part 39 - And Its Little Butterfly Buddies:**

 **-Winters Residence - Atrium: Tuesday Afternoon-**

"Yeah. Walked in on her and Xander."

I stare at Oz. Oh, Gods Damn It.

I was really hoping that the silver lining in the mess my Brother made was that Willow and Xander would manage their little 'de-lusting spell' in peace. I could have washed my hands of the whole affair and been happier for it.

Fucks sake, Willow was at that shit show at Joyce's, and I had eyes on my Brother from then until he left town, so she can't have gotten herself kidnapped, can she? What happened?

Gods Damn It! Now I'm back to worrying about what happens if Anyanka folds time around me. I'd really rather not be unmade by the whims of a high school girl... Do vengeance demons even die if you shoot them in the head?

Taking a deep breath, I force myself to calm down. Tilting my head to the side and stepping back, I offer Oz the traditional Sunnydale greeting. "Are you able to come in?"

He doesn't blink, but I do catch a short half snort, as he steps through the doorway.

My tattoos ping, and the alert board I made Amy rig up after I realized how much information I was missing blinks green. If this slightly more emotive Oz is an imposter, he's at least one that Amy added to the listing.

I let my left arm fall away from my pistol and gesture towards the lab staircase with my right.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

 **-Winters Residence - Lab: Tuesday Evening-**

"I thought she'd deny it, or that maybe I had misheard them. You know?"

I blink at Oz.

I think... that that one explanation was more words than I've ever heard Oz say. "Ouch. Definitely not how I'd want to find something like that out."

Oz just nods, climbing into the reinforced cage, now covered with a sheet on one side.

While he undresses, I hunt down a blank notebook and my good pen.

The timer dings, just as I'm settling into my seat next to the cage. "T minus 1 minute. How do you feel?"

Oz's head pokes out from behind the 'curtain' and gives me a questioning look. Or what I think is a questioning look. Oz's expressions are far harder to read than Amy's.

"Earlier, you said that 'you hadn't felt that way before except during a full moon.' It's a full moon... so how do you feel? Does the wolf feel like some external presence sharing space in your head? Or is it more like... how drunk you is clearly still you but does strange things?"

"Huh. Not sure. Why?"

"You remember your old classmate, Pete Clarner?" I continue at Oz's nod, "I'm just curious how much your condition has in common with-"

Oz's sudden pained expression and the sound of bones snapping and rearranging themselves tells me that the intelligent conversation portion of the night has come to an end.

I give Oz a solid 10 count to complete the change over and then whistle at him.

Locking gazes with the thing now locked in my cage takes some doing but I finally manage it.

I promptly slam into a whirlwind of raw emotion. Unable to make mental purchase on anything, I quickly find myself ejected forcefully and with the beginnings of a migraine for my efforts.

Fascinating. It DOES feel like what happens when Pete flips out, only dialed up well past 11. Sadly, that prevents most of the testing I had thought to do tonight.

I fetch a blood pack from the fridge and dump it into a mug. Mixing in a vial of the blood taken from Liam, I nearly drop whole thing as another fit of giggles wracks my body when I remember the look on Liam's face during the performance art piece that was his healing session.

"I know exactly what I'm doing!" I snort. LD50 on vamp blood is fucking obnoxious though. Such a promising food source lost to... whatever it is that makes non-lineage blood so dangerous.

Kissing the little ring on my finger that made the whole thing possible I set to work re-examining my options for further inquiry tonight.

 **-Winters Residence - Lab: Late Tuesday Night-**

 **-Project Lycan - November 20th - Initial Observations-**

BLOCKQUOTE• Transformation appears to be painful, but involves a lot of rapid regrowth. Do broken bones transfer/translate from one form to the other? Are they healed by the transformation?  
• 'common' breed possesses an impressive level of mental fortitude.  
• Unclear on reasoning behind Oz's designation as a werewolf. Hybrid form is not wolflike. More... were-ape-ish.  
• Lycanthropus Exterus breed has strong resemblance with wolves. More common in Europe.  
• Usage of the term 'Werewolf' possibly comparable to tissues all being called kleenex? Europeans referring to everything that shifts with the moon as a werewolf? -?look into specific meaning of Exterus designation. Foreign to what?  
• Why moon based? Clearly not necessary if monks can use meditation to suppress or induce it.  
• Results inconclusive with regards to separate entity or aspect of self question.  
• Root Cause Analysis - Ideas:  
º Disease? [Super]Naturally occurring? Did some idiot wizard accidentally magically supercharge rabies? Is it blood borne or purely mystical? Does it NEED to be a bite to spread  
º Curse? Who was originally cursed? How? Why?  
º Similarity with vampirism. Did some other old one have some sort of ancient super soldier program gone wrong?  
• Can a vampire become a werewolf? Can a werewolf be turned into a vampire? do they cancel out? Are they mutually exclusive / toxic to each other?/BLOCKQUOTE

I give a discontented sigh as I look over my notes. As is typical for a new project, everything is jumbled up, with more questions than solid data.

I'm not even clear on how to test most of these. I do know I'll need to borrow a box of gloves along with the blood draw equipment while I'm at the hospital this evening. The few ideas I can work on testing all sound potentially disastrous. I just don't have the right equipment to take this branch of research any further.

Urgh! Moping about it won't be any use, best find a project I can work on to pass the time. Hmmm... Tossing aside my lycanthropy notes, I step into the vault and grab the orbs out of their box. I wonder...

 **-Winters Residence - Lab: Early Wednesday Morning-**

 **-Orb Sciences - November 20th – Possession Testing-**

• "On my person" does not appear to be disrupted by cloth, as evidenced by operating normally from within a belt pouch or pocket.  
• Even wrapping them in additional layers of cloth does not appear to interfere with their operation.  
• With the odd exception of their original container, metal and Kevlar layers also do not appear to disrupt the chain of custody by which I count as in possession of the orbs. Placing them under or even inside armor may be viable.

Hmmm... It's not like my intestines are actually doing anything important anymore. I wonder if the orbs would work if I buried them inside my guts...

Pulling off the ring and carefully setting both it, and its invisibility inducing cover down in a cup, I try placing the orbs inside my person.

The telltale purple glow flickers into existence at my mental command. Awesome. Now I just need some sort of protective container to put them in.

Digging the orbs back out of my guts and returning the ring and its tension spring mounted sheathe to my left ring finger, I start washing up and re-dressing.

A pained growl comes from the lab as I'm pulling my shirt back on. Stepping out of the vault and closing the door, I look over to where Oz is changing back into his own clothes as well.

"Morning! How do you feel? Compared to last night I mean."

"About the same." Oz nods slightly, then starts sniffing the air. "Did I get out last night?"

"No. Why?" Why would he think... Oh... Right, he can smell the blood too. "No. Nothing like that. I just cut myself while working. Happens a lot actually. So you said you feel about the same now as you did just before transforming? No new aches?"

Oz nods, and I grab the notebook I'm using for his project and start to update his chart. "You're taking notes?" Oz's question interrupts my train of thought.

"Of course I am. If I wasn't I'd just be screwing around instead of doing science." I roll my eyes. "Also, I think your lycanthropy has a curious level of similarity to what happened to one of my patients, Pete Clarner."

"Huh. You mentioned him last night. He's the guy that tried to kill Mr. Platt right?"

"Yeah..." I try to ignore the implications that Oz was apparently uninvolved in that fiasco this time around. All these little changes are going to become a problem some day. "...He dosed himself with a cocktail of demon blood and steroids that I'm still trying to work out all the details on. Turned himself into an almost Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde-esque sort of rage monster. But that..."

I trail off, considering the idea that just occurred to me. Right now Oz's transformation is linked to the moon, but next year he comes back from Tibet with the ability to transform whenever he gets angry. I look back up at Oz as his hand waves in front of my face. I smile, if you do turn out to be some kind of Trojan horse, I think I know how to make you far less reliable...

I mean, it's not like you weren't going to do it anyway, and if you hare off to Tibet this year or over the summer instead of next fall, maybe I can head Darth Rosenberg off at the pass. Bonus.

"Hey, you're still on speaking terms with Giles right?"

"Yeah."

"See if you can get him to tell you anything about those Tibetan monks."

"Tibetan Monks?"

"...Yeah... the werewolf ones that found a way to control their transformations? Oh!" I grab my notebook and point out the relevant part. "Also ask him if he knows why European werewolves are called Lycanthropus Exterus. Foreign to what exactly?"

Oz ignores the notebook in favor of staring at me intently. It's a very strange look for him.

"Do I have something on my face?"

"Tibetan Monks?" What are we? Stuck on a loop?

"Oh. Uh..." I scratch the back of my head. "I kind of told you everything I know about them already. Well, almost... though I suppose saying that monks use meditation is like saying water is wet... but they do, and instead of full moons I think they can transform whenever they want to or if they get angry. Or so the local rumors went. Not really sure how it works. Obviously the goal would be to make transforming a choice, but..." I hold up my notebook fanning out the mostly empty pages. "I'm not there yet. Not even close."

 **-Winters Residence - Kitchen : Wednesday Morning-**

Oz looks down at his eggs before shrugging and making a good faith effort to match my Sister bite for bite.

Err- Okay. I know something is wrong when Faith eats her 'fuckin alien eggs' without any kind of comment. "What's wrong?"

"It's Wednesday."

"All day lo- oh. Yeah... I guess we'll be giving the weekly meeting with Mr. Giles a miss."

Oz nods. Faith Sighs. Actually, with Oz and his van here, I wonder how-

Amy groans and sets her coffee down with a needlessly loud thud. "You couldn't have decided that before I woke up the extra half hour early?"

"Sorry, I can't think of-" I'm cut off by the sound of the front door swinging open and slamming closed. Single ping. No one looks alarmed. Harmony maybe?

The kitchen door slams open. Yup. Harmony is here, with a pile of clothes in her arms, and she looks angry..? "...what's wrong?"

"Cordelia and Xander are still fucking together!" Venom practically drips from her voice as she takes a few heaving breaths trying to steady herself.

"They started screwin?" Faith bangs her fists together suggestively, but makes a confused face instead of her usual eyebrow waggle. Apparently Faith also has opinions on the topic of Xander and Cordelia?

"No! Thank God! But he- with Willow! And now she's- they're still-" Harmony looks about ready to burst a blood vessel.

I clear my throat loudly and glance pointedly at Oz.

Harmony turns and looks at Oz. "Oh, right... Yeah. No, you can't wear that again." She puts the clothes in her hands down in front of him. "Go change."

She looks about ready to start back up again when Oz uses his favorite multipurpose word. "Huh?"

"You wore that outfit yesterday. You need a new one." She points insistently at the piles of clothes now on the table. "Go. Change."

As Oz looks around the table with a bemused expression I take solace in the fact that I'm not the only one Harmony baffles. "I'd just do what she says if I were you."

"We won't get anything else done until you do." Amy agrees with me.

With one last amused sounding, "Huh." Oz takes the clothes and heads off to change.

How did Harmony know he'd need clothes? Or what size would fit him? I groan, realizing this will have to get added to my notes. Faith is going to be insufferable if she turns out to be right.

 **-Sunnydale High Parking Lot : Thursday Afternoon-**

"Hey." Faith whacks my shoulder. "Is that Dawnsteh?"

I look up from putting my key in the ignition, and follow her pointing finger. "Uh... yeah. I think it is. Shouldn't she be at the middle school down the street? The hell is she doing here?"

Neither of us come up with an answer in the remaining 5 seconds or so it takes for Dawn to finish racing up to my truck and climb inside.

"You're driving me home!" She declares.

"I am?" I raise an eyebrow at her.

"Yup." Dawn nods at me seriously. That Faith is nodding along in sync with her makes me suspect I'm being set up.

"... Why would I be driving you home?"

"Because... ummm..." She sounds panicked for a moment before her face lights back up triumphantly. "You owe me!" I suspect the finger now pointing at me is for emphasis.

Oh, for fucks sake. "If this is about that birth-"

"No! You broke my back door."

"I aready said I was sor-"

"Not done! Mom stayed home today to get it repaired, so Buffy drove-"

"Oh, gods! She let Buffy drive!?"

Faith laughs as Dawn shudders theatrically. "Exactly."

"I think this calls for ice cream. Call your mother and ask-."

"She won't mind if you take me out for ice cream."

"Let's try this again, shall we? Call your mother, and ask her what flavor she wants us to bring her."

"Oh... Okay!"

Christ on a cracker, I thought high schoolers were bad.

-Summers Residence Driveway : Thursday Afternoon-

"Ya know... B's gonna pitch a fit when she finds out." Faith tells me as we watch Dawn head into her house.

"Yeah well, the day I let Buffy dictate who I can and can't be friends with is the day I rip out my own fangs."

"I thought you were hopin to patch things up?"

"With the Scoobies in general, sure, but Buffy? I mean... she tried to murder me. Twice!" I take the door closing behind Dawn as my cue, and pull out of the driveway.

"I know, but..." Faith trails off with a sigh and looks back at the house. "I liked how things were before. Ya know?"

Right. Faith's open secret of a crush on the blonde menace. Gods Damn It. I had so hoped I'd never need to have this conversation. I rub my face in frustration as I stop at a red light.

Ignoring my own... interests in my Sister for the moment, dating Buffy is one of the riskiest things she could do in this world. Even if father had survived, he'd have given that walking disaster a wide berth too. Water is wet. Xander is like catnip to demon chicks. Warden Liam uses too much hair gel. Dawn gets kidnapped on Tuesdays. Buffy's love life explodes in her face. These are all fundamental principles of the universe.

How do I explain that without sounding insane?

Ungh. Apparently relying on Buffy's preferences to put paid to things on their own was too much to hope for.

Then again... Dawn's made it through two Tuesdays without being kidnapped. And... a bunch of those fanfics father liked to read all mentioned some chick named Satsu. She's from the comics, maybe?

Are those canon?

Does that matter? Even if they are... did anyone bother to tell the universe?

Looking over at my sister's hopeful face, I sigh. I guess we're doing this now. "You do realize that Buffy probably doesn't swing that way right?"

 **-Winter's Residence : Thursday Late Afternoon-**

As I'm opening the door to let Oz in for his third night of solitary, a black sedan with tinted windows pulls up in front of the house.

"Damn." I take a step back into the house. "We've got company!"

"Huh?" Oz turns around to look at the black sedan. Either he's really good at selling the innocent bystander routine, or he's not part of this.

I stare at Oz, debating quickly if I should slam the door in his face. The Watcher's Council showing up just before sunset turns him into a wild animal is suspiciously well timed. Even if he wasn't aware they were coming... do I want a living grenade in my house during a siege?

Of course, if they planned properly, then they'll have silver bullets to put him down, so leaving him outside the house as a hazard to them won't help me.

Worse, if he isn't in on it, my legitimately perfectly willing lycanthropic test subject dies on the lawn.

Fucking hell. The shit I put up with for science. "Get in here. Now!" Something in my tone, or possibly scent apparently conveys that this is not a time to question me.

Faith and Amy come barreling down the stairs as Oz steps across the threshold. The alert board beeps green. I start to slam the door closed behind him but stop dumbstruck when the sedan's passneger side door opens.

What the actual fuck is Lindsey McDonald doing at my house? Gods Damn It, I do not need Wolfram & Hart taking an interest in me. My life is plenty complicated already.


	59. Interlude 12A – Hematology

**Interlude 12A – Hematology:**

***POV Angel***

 **-Summers residence - Backyard-**

My right arm is definitely broken.

You have to help them. Get up off the ground.

Dru's newest childe continues yelling. "Was it all just some kind of joke to you?" His voice is followed by a loud cracking sound.

I try to roll to my feet.

A... door? fills my vision just before slamming into my head.

 **-Crawford Street Mansion-**

I taste blood and plastic in my mouth.

"You're awake!" Buffy's voice. She sounds worried, but alive.

I open my eyes.

Blonde hair and smiling face fill my vision.

"Yes. I'm-"

...

"Buffy, I can't feel my... anything. What happened?"

"You... met Jack." Buffy smiles awkwardly. "...Yesterday."

 **-Crawford Street Mansion : Later-**

I look up at Buffy from where I'm lying on the bed. "He's not an alien." I don't think he is anyway.

Buffy looks down and rolls her eyes at me as she opens the bag of pigs' blood and puts a straw in. "I'm not saying- That was Drusilla, she's the one that called him an alien." Yes. Exactly.

"Which is why I say he can't be one."

"What and then the huh?" Buffy pauses and stares at me.

"Dru... doesn't do direct statements like that. She- This one time she told us that the sky was blue. Spike eventually figured out she meant it was going to rain, because the sky was _sad_. When she called him an alien, I doubt she meant it literally."

"... Well if he's not from space and he doesn't look Mexican-"

I stop drinking from the straw. "...What?"

"Aliens. They come from outer space and, like, Mexico."

"Yeah... Dru being from London, I don't see her concerning herself with the Colonials' border disputes either."

Buffy rolls her eyes at me again, but she smiles briefly. "Ok then, how did a fledgling vampire take you down?"

"... He caught me off guard with that strength amplification spell. I didn't expect it to be so powerful."

"Spell?"

"He was a warlock before running into Dru."

"Jack? A warlock? Are you sure?" Buffy giggles. "I've seen him try to levitate a pencil to himself. He's horrible at magic."

I wince, or try to at least. "I meant the human Jack used to be. And yes, I'm sure, You can tell by the way their blood tastes-" I cut off at Buffy's expression.

"When you said you helped Dru turn him..." Buffy groans even before I start to nod. "No wonder he went berserk when he saw you."

Though... I don't recall him tasting like someone who would have enough magic to hit that hard even if it was the only spell he practiced. Seems I'll at least have something to think about during recovery.

 **-Crawford Mansion : Late Sunday Night-**

"I'll be back in the morning."

I hear the door swing shut and lock.

...

I lay in the bed, unable to move much more than tilting my head slightly, and begin to contemplate Jack's oddities.

...

I hear a key in the door. I don't think it's been all that long. I start to ask Buffy what she forgot as the door opens.

Jack's voice answers me. "Seriously? Do I look short, blonde, or well... Okay, I could probably manage psychotic."

Just like yesterday, I can sense that there's a member of my lineage nearby, but can't find a location. I try to move to see him, but my arms and legs still don't respond.

The softer bang of a tranq gun, and my world starts to go dim. I finally make it back to Buffy and it all ends like this?

 **-?-**

I taste blood in my mouth.

I wake up strapped to what feels like a metal table. Directly over me is a bright white light. Everything hurts.

The smells of blood, fear, and death are suffocating. With the added scent of vampire ash and some sort of chemical lye, it smells like a vamp nest just after a big purge. The only thing missing is the burnt smell of soot from a large fire.

There's a short series of beeps. A mechanical whirring noise, and a pressure on my arm. I can't move my head to see what's going on.

"You're awake. Good." Jack's face comes into focus beside me. "How do you feel?"

...

I can feel things below my neck. Even the pain is a welcome change after days without sensation. "What did you do to me?"

My question comes out slurred, but he either understands or answers it anyway. "I un-broke your neck... I think. Can you feel this?" He frowns at me for a moment. "How about this?" More frowning. "Hmmm... Must be something wrong with the spinal cord?"

"...why..?"

"Because that's how nervous systems work." He shrugs. "Goodnight for now, Warden."

There's a tugging at my elbow and my vision starts to dim. "Waiiiit... no..."

My vision fades and darkness claims me once more.

 **-?-**

I wake up on the table again.

I feel a sharp piercing pain in my gut.

"Did you know that people on drugs sometimes talk in their sleep?"

"I don't talk in my sleep."

"Okay, Liam, if you say so. Can you feel this?" A finger taps my right foot.

"yes-"

"Good! How about this?" Nothing. Jack frowns. "Damn. That nasty looking business near your left femur must still need sorting out. Not to worry, I'll have you walking again yet."

"...why... are you doing this?" I don't deserve to be fixed.

"Mother would be sad if her daddy died." Jack shrugs, but he sounds angry when he says it... There's that tugging at my elbow again.

My vision fades and darkness claims me. Again.

 **-?-**

Still strapped to a table.

There's that short series of beeps and a mechanical whirring noise again. The pressure on my arm again. I can move my head enough to see some sort of band inflating on my arm and a red tube stuck into my gut. The straps holding my head in place don't allow for anything further.

"Huh... you're awake early." Struggling, I turn my head to face Jack's voice. He's standing there with a needle drawing blood from his arm. "I guess I can hold off on your next dose. How-"

"Do I feel? I feel... a tapping on my left foot. But also..." The pain is much less. My muscles all feel lethargic, but no longer pained. Even that little twinge in my shoulder I've had since the rubble landed on me in Budapest over a century ago is, "...better?"

"That's great, Liam." He tilts his head and gives me an odd look. "Who's Whistler?"

"What?"

"I told you. People on drugs talk in their sleep." Jack shrugs. "So... Who's Whistler? Or if you prefer; Why did you listen to him he when pointed you at Buffy?"

Jack pulls the needle out of his arm and hooks it up to the red tube... no!

"What're you doing!?"

Jack pauses, giving me a confused look. "...fixing you up so you can go back to saving puppies and otherwise annoying the ever loving fuck out of your prisoner."

"Vampires can't- ...prisoner?"

"Yup." Jack nods happily. "That fuckface of a Grandsire that tried to abort me, and so shall no longer be named in my presence." Jack presses the plunger on the needle.

"Stop! Vampire blood-"

"Is toxic. Blah, blah, blah, William said the same thing. I'll admit, the LD50 on the stuff is fucking obnoxious. But don't worry," Jack leans in over me, grinning like a lunatic. "I know exactly what I'm doing... After all, I'm not dust yet am I?"

...

Oh Shi-

Darkness.

 **-?-**

I wake up on... a softer table?

Still strapped down. Still can't move much, muscles still all feel tired.

Jack takes a girly looking watch out of his pocket and checks the time. "Sad times, Warden Liam. I've got some bad news. Took so long to fix you the Sun's out. Looks like you're going to have to make the trip home under a black out curtain."

"Angel. I'm not Liam. Not anymore."

Jack snorts. "It doesn't work that way you know."

"What's that?"

"You. You aren't your body, your memories, or your fucking khakis." What..? "You are a soul Liam. That vampire body you're riding around in is no different than a car. Or do you still call them horseless buggies?"

"I'm old not-"

"Fantastic! Then you know what a police squad car is? Good. You see _Warden,_ everyone... every human or even vampire, is just a soul driving around in a single occupancy car body. But you? You're in a police cruiser with _The Prisoner_ locked up in the back seat."

Once again my world reduces to darkness. This time from the thick curtain Jack drapes over me.

"Faaaiiith!" Despite the curtain muffling everything. I hear a series of loud thumping noises.

"Yeah, J?" Faith's voice. Spike must have turned her.

"Ready to help me load him back into the truck?"

"Sure thing."

"Great grab that end- err... hold on. I forgot something." The darkness rips away and Jack and Faith are looking down at me.

"Hey Liam! Ready for the ride home?" Faith asks me cheerfully... I can hear Faith's heartbeat!

She's still alive! Spike didn't..? Why would Spike of all people pass on a chance to bag a third slayer? Especially one that smells so deli-

I'm quashing my instinctive hunger when it hits me. What's been wrong this entire time. Jack smells like a vampire, but has a heartbeat.

It's slow, and it holds steady rather than racing when he acts excited or angry, but it's there. It sounds a little strange, mechanical almost... what the-

The tugging at my elbow comes again. I look down in time to see a small tube coming out of my elbow before my vision fades to black.

 **-Crawford Mansion : Tuesday Night-**

I stare into the fire.

This makes no sense.

I look down at the papers Buffy brought me again.

Photocopies of the compilation of everything Buffy's friends can remember Jack having ever said or done.

Judging by the handwriting it's predominately Willow and Giles working on the project.

I pencil in that he can survive drinking vampire blood under 'unusual behavior' next to Giles' notation _'_ _walks around in broad daylight.'_

 _..._

I can't quite suppress a shudder at the idea of a cannibalistic vampire, even if I know it would probably help keep the other vampires down.

I also add that he somehow convinced Spike, the self styled slayer of Slayers, to leave Faith alone.

Family bonds surviving turning like that are rare. Usually goes the way Spike's did, with the young vamp returning home to turn or kill their remaining family. Not... running a halfway house for girls.

Family. I look over the listings again.

 _'_ _His mother left just after he was born.'  
'Everyone says she was crazy.'  
'She called him an alien.'_

Giles has the whole section circled and an arrow pointing to the question 'Drusilla?' Yes, Giles, I think Jack caught Dru's crazy. Okay, what if I treat this whole puzzle like Dru's babbling..?

That would make Faith- I hear a key in the door. Putting the papers back down on the table, I grab for my axe.

I need to change the locks.

Buffy walks in. She looks... Something's wrong. I drop the axe onto the couch and walk over to her.

She pulls me into a hug immediately. Something is definitely wrong. She's been keeping her distance since- I quash that train of thought and just enjoy the moment.

She smells like sunlight and hope.

"Angel? Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Have you ever heard of slayers being shot by their watchers?"

Giles... what have you done?


	60. Interlude 12B - Faith in Family

**Interlude 12B - Faith in Family**

***POV Faith***

 **-Sunnydale High Classroom : Monday 3rd Period-**

I take my seat in Ms. Tenghast's reading class.

Usually it's one of my favorite classes. A super easy class, just like X-man said, we just read a bunch of books and sometimes have to talk about them.

Today... it means sitting next to X-man while he grumbles angrily about Jack.

"Seriously? Could ya not fuckin talk about my brotheh like that? "

"It's not your brother! It's a demon wearing your brother as a suit!" He hisses back at me.

"He is my-"

Ms. Tenghast's voice interrupts me from behind. "Hi, Faith." I look over as she walks into the room. Glancing back, X has his back to me now.

"Morning, Ms. T."

"You wouldn't happen to know if your brother has ever considered teaching, would you?"

"Oh. Uh... I dunno." I shrug. "We've nevah talked about it. He seems to enjoy his work at the hospital though, why?"

"I just watched him teach Mr. Bardunn's class. It looked like he had a fair bit of practice. Certainly one of the more entertaining math classes I've ever had."

"Oh, yeah. He does that a lot. He and Ames- Amy Madison- are always explaining stuff like that for me. Jack says he's just copyin a chemistry teacher he had once back home. 'Parently he was pretty good 'spite being a soulless monstah."

"Soulless monster?" Ms. T asks me while Xander suddenly sounds like he's choking next to me.

"Yeah, Jack says the guy was a _Yankees Fan_. Eurgch!" I only need to half fake the retching noise that accompanies such a bad thought.

Ms. T doesn't seem to appreciate just how awful the idea is though because she laughs.

"I gather you're a Red Sox fan then?"

"Damn strai- err- Sorry. Yeah, I am."

The bell rings and Ms. T smiles. "Well, let your brother know I enjoyed his class. I should start my own now though." I nod as she heads up to the front of the room.

"It's not your brother!"

"He is too! And don't give me that shit about him just thinkin he's the same guy that died. Jack knows he ain't-"

"Good morning, class!"

"Good morning, Ms. T."

"Today we're going to start the book, 'Dracula,' by Bram Stoker."

Beside me, X grumbles "Oh, _great_... more vampires."

"E-fuckin-nough already." This is the guy Dawn is so obsessed with? Christ-

"Xander? Faith? Is everything all right?"

"Just talkin 'bout vampires. X here thinks they all HAVE to be evil soulless monsters."

"And you disagree? I didn't realize you were an Anne Rice fan."

What's rice got to do with... anything? "Yeah... Sure... rice is okay." Except when Jack insists on mixing white rice with peanut butter. That shit ain't okay.

 **-Sunnydale High Hallways : Monday After 4th Period-**

B grabs my arm as I'm walking to the cafeteria and pulls me into the bathroom.

"Shit, B. Let go of me."

Instead of her letting go I get pulled into a hug. "Ya know, B, this is how those rumors got started." I grin.

"You're okay?"

"Ya... Course I am." I tell the blonde hair that's still in my face. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Buffy pulls back a bit, hands on my shoulders. She stares at me with this cute wide eyed- "You- why? Spike's dangerous."

I roll my eyes. "The doofus that spent all Sunday on the couch drinking and arguing with Jack about history is dangerous. Pull the other one, B."

"They're vampires!"

"And Angel is what, exactly? I've lived with Jack for months and I'm fine... And if they're so 'dangerous' why did you let me leave with them?" Let me guess, too busy lookin after gramps?

"Angel needed-"

"Yeah. That's what I thought." I pull away and open the bathroom door. "Oh, by the way, just a heads up... That history I said they were arguing about? Was how many of us Slayers have been murdered by the watchers. You sure it's me that's in danger?"

 **-Sunnydale High Cafeteria : Monday Lunchtime-**

I can hear Ames and Harm talking as I finally make it to our usual spot. "...Cordelia was trying to convince me that he's obviously evil and can't be trusted."

"Yeah. Willow tried to sell me the same crap after math today." Ames rolls her eyes. She spots me headed their way and waves.

I grab the open seat across from Ames and put my lunch down. "You guys getting the third degree too?"

"Oh Goddess, yes. Willow is convinced Jack has some sort of nefarious scheme involving that rail gun you two built." Ames pauses and looks at me funny. "You guy's can't actually destroy the school with it can you?"

"Not unless you can magic the school into somethin watermelon sized first. Maybe the next one we're planning? It should at least be able to put a hole in one of the walls."

"Next one?"

"...Yeah?"

"Why do you need to build more than one?"

"Because the school year goes until June? Because our current one is a pain in the ass to aim? Because... it's fun?"

"This is going to be like crossbow practice all over again isn't it?"

"Hey! I said I was sorry for that!"

Harms interrupts us both, waving her hand between our faces. "Crossbow practice?"

 **-Sunnydale High Classroom : Monday Last Period-**

"Ah, Faith. Might I have a moment?"

"Is it about how Jack can't possibly be my brother, or has to be evil because he's a vamp?"

"Well, yes. I-"

I hold up my hand. "Then fuck off. I'm sick of hearin it. Christ, you people just don't fuckin get it do you? We're family. That actually means something to some of us, ya know?" I turn around and start walking towards the shop classes. "Besides, even if Jack went crazy, Ames would just set him on fire. She's gettin real good at that pyromancy shit."

...

I hear Giles stutter out one last, "Oh good Lord!" Then I'm around the corner and into the crowd.

I must still look annoyed when I walk into class a moment later because Jack's eyebrow goes up immediately, and he asks me; "Something wrong?"

"No... Yes-" I spot Willow walking through the door. Fuckin shit. Really? She's not even in this class. "I'll tell you later. Let's just make some watermelons go boom, okay?"

 **-Winter's Residence : Tuesday Afternoon-**

I take a slow step back from the railing and walk back into my room.

Wow. Red and X-man? What the shit?

Taking out my phone and flopping down onto the bed I call Dawn. She'd want to hear about this, and it'll give me an excuse to check up on B.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Momma S."

"Oh. Hello, Faith. How are you doing?

"I'm good. Is The Dawnsteh around?"

"She should be. Hold on a moment." I can hear her calling Dawn's name in the background for a moment before Dawn picks up.

"Hi, Faith!"

"Hey Dawnsteh."

We both pause and wait for the click of Mrs. S. hanging up before going any further.

...

"I got some bad news. 'Membah how I said your crush was actin like a toolshed at school?"

"...Yes." Comes the grumbled response over the phone.

"Oz just showed up at the house. I guess he walked in on Red and Xman having some kind of screaming match and one of them let slip that they've been messing around on the side."

"WHAT!? Oh my gawd. No! I don't- Xander wouldn't. Are you serious right now?"

I blink a few times. "Yeah. Sorry, I know you like him and all, but-"

"Have you told Harmony?" Oh shit. Yeah, she's gonna flip when she finds out she was right. I put Dawn on speakerphone and start typing a text to Harms. "...Oh gawd, does Cordelia know..?"

Pausing my typing, I sigh. Dawnsteh sounds all hopeful and shit. "Dawn-"

"Don't. I know. You can save the boys suck speech."

"It's not a fuckin speech." I laugh. "But okay. Besides, usually the problem is that they want us to-"

"EWWW! FAITH! OMYGAWD NO! LALALALALALA I'm not listening!"

While Dawn has her little freakazoid moment, I tap send.

TO HARM: 'Guess who's at the house'

"Are you done being gross?"

"It's not gross if you do it right."

FROM HARM: 'Leonardo Dicaprio'

... Why would Leo-

"Faith! Eww! I think I almost like it better when you're staring at my sister."

Aha! "How is B? We kinda had a fight yesterday and I haven't heard from her since."

"Oh Gawd. Buffy is being such a- Eurgh!" I finish my next text to Harms while Dawn takes a moment to calm down.

TO HARM: 'No Oz he broke up with w cause she cheated with x'

FROM HARM: 'Amy wants to know if you did your hw'

Seriously!? That's- Ames is such a dork.

FROM HARM: 'what'

FROM HARM: 'omg'

FROM HARM: 'cordy know'

FROM HARM: 'Im call c'

"Way seriously! She had a hissy fit cause I borrowed this shirt of hers. Apparently the little bit of milk I spilled on it was some kind of tragedy. Nevermind how often she's come home covered in blood, or that I helped her keep mom from noticing."

"Pfft. You think blood's bad? You shoulda seen this demon snot monstah thing I ran into in Iowa, right? Got this green goopy shit on everythin. I had to kill that outfit with fuckin fire. My favorite pair'ah pants too. I loved those pants, made my ass look-"

"FAITH!"

 **-Sunnydale High Cafeteria : Thursday Lunchtime-**

"Math test today?"

"Tomorrow." Ames looks up from her text book. "And you have one in your Reading class next period don't you?"

"Yes, _mother_." I grin at Ames's glare. "I read the book while watching Oz for Jack last night."

"Okay, just making sure."

"Yeah yeah, I know, you think I'm gunna go to college and- Hey, there's Oz." Oz walks into the cafeteria, and gets halfway to his usual table before he stops.

"Of course you're going to college. Why wouldn't you? And don't give me any more of that dying young bullshit."

"Yo! Oz! Ovah here!" I call out to him. He nods and starts heading this way. "It's not that. I just... don't like school. Why would I want more of it?"

"But college sounds like so much fun!" Harms says from behind me before sitting down on my right. "There's parties and sororities and you can live in- Hey... that's kind of what you guys do now isn't it?"

"Yeah! See... I already get the best parts of college. Why would I wanna deal with the fuss of classes?"

"You could major in music." Oz sits down next to Ames.

"Guys! Seriously. I don't wanna go to college."

"Then don't go." Jack adds as he sits on my left.

"She can't just not go to college! And how can you of all people say that, Mr. School-is-important?" Ames sounds so betrayed... I'm just gonna stay out of it. If Jack's willing to take Ames on over me not doing more school that's fine by me.

Jack shrugs. "Faith not graduating high school looks bad and gives the idiots in England leverage to undo her emancipation. Faith not going to college is her own decision. Plenty of people do alright for themselves without a college degree, and it's not like she needs a degree to work with us, unless... Okay, I suppose getting a black belt or sniper certified would be like going to college for Faith. We could always look into that."

That I can agree to. "That don't sound too bad. Kinda fun actually."

"Huh..." Jack looks over at Oz as though surprised to see him at our table.

"Oh. Hey, Oz. I talked to Mrs. Mendoza in the biology department, she was fine with me borrowing one of their microscopes. If you're still good for it we can go ahead with taking a look at some blood samples during a full moon."

 **-Sunnydale Roadways : Thursday Afternoon-**

"I liked how things were before, you know?" Before B chose Angel instead of me.

Jack doesn't answer. After a few seconds of silence he groans and rubs his face as he stares at the intersection we stopped at silently.

The light turns green. Jack doesn't go. Something's wrong.

He turns to me and sighs, staring at me for another moment. Did I do something bad? "You do realize that Buffy probably doesn't swing that way right?"

...

"What the shit?"

"When you two get done sparring, she doesn't smell aroused. Well, not like you do anyway."

...

That's... kinda... Whatever, It's just skin. "Really? Damn."

"Yeah, don't get me wrong. She definitely enjoys rolling around on the mat with you, but I think she feels the same way about any good slaying."

"Well that sucks."

"Sure. Granted, If any girl has a shot at getting into Buffy's pants it's you." And now he sounds annoyed. I thought Ames was being ridiculous when she said Jack had a thing for me... but after listening to Spike mope for hours about his break up with their mother... "Or maybe Willow."

Oh. That makes more sense, of course he sounds annoyed when thinking about her. Jack and Red annoy each other by existing. "Red? Really? You think the girl that was fooling around with two boys at once is gay?"

"No, I know she's bi, but that's hardly important. I guess I'm trying to say I'd have your back... even if you tried to date _Buffy."_ Jack scratches the back of his head. Ames says that means the next thing he says will probably be 'extra ridiculous' and only true if you squint at it really hard. "I just don't see... I mean, why _Buffy_ of all people?"

Only true if you... oh. I snort. Jack likes B too? This could be fun.

"I dunno Jack, you tellin me you don't think she's hot? You don't just wanna bend her-"

Jack shudders theatrically and then starts laughing. "The joys of hate-fucking aside, it's more... plenty of the chicks in the psych ward are hot, but that doesn't mean I'd date them."

"B ain't crazy. She's just got this... I don't know."

"Yeah. She's a Slayer, you're a Slayer, I get it." And now he sounds annoyed again.

"... Would you be upset if I got with B?"

"Nah. I would however reserve the right to grouse with Joyce about the 'kiddos' getting together." He sticks his tongue out at me as he air quotes kiddos with one hand. "But I'd support you. Just... I'd stockpile chocolate for when things blew up in your faces. Buffy's track record with relationships is... colorful?"

...

"You think Mrs. S would be upset?"

"No idea. Maybe at first? I think she still wants grandkids. But I imagine she'd come around. It's part of that whole unconditionally stuff that comes with being family."

Jack pokes my shoulder just in case I missed what he meant about the two of us. _A family that wants me_. I... don't know how to do this part. Sex is just skin, but... feelings? "Aww..." I don't... what do I..? "Thanks, Mistah J."

I think he knows what I meant. Jack laughs happily like he always does whenever I go along with that batman nonsense he and Ames... love... to-

...

"Hold up! You can smell when a girl likes someone?"

"No."

"You just said-"

"I can smell when a girl is turned on. The rest is guesswork. But...If it happens whenever they look at or are with a certain someone it's not a very hard guess to make."

"So... You know Ames likes ya that way then?"

"Yeah."

I punch my idiot brother in the shoulder as hard as I can. "Then. Why. The. Fuck! Haven't you done anythin about it!?"

Said idiot brother inhales sharply as my fist breaks bone. We glare at each other while the little popping and grinding noises of his shoulder putting itself back together fill the silence.

As the last bone fragment clicks back into place, Jack sighs and his expression turns thoughtful.. "Honestly? I think it might be because I compare myself to our older brother too much."

...

"Huh? You mean that doofus that crashed on the couch?"

"Err... Doofus? I don't-" He shakes his head. "Not important. Amy and I- Okay. Look, you know she feels the same way about fire as she does me, right?"

I can feel my eyes practically roll themselves at that idea. "That's retahded. Ames does _not_ wanna have sex with fire. She wants to boink you, dumbass."

"No, I mean...sure, but watching things burn puts her in the mood." Jack taps his nose. "To about the same degree."

"So she's a bit of a py-" Jack raises an eyebrow. "Fine... She's a total pyromaniac. So what?"

"I don't want to be lit on fire!"

"Why the fuck would she light ya on fire?"

"William and Mother have been together for over a century." He holds up his hand to stop me before I can tell him that ain't got nothing to do with this. "He's loved Mother, in spite of her... quirks... for over a century. Been devoted to her. And yet they still have their spats, they fight, they break up, they get back together."

"Again. So what? What've they gotta do with you and Ames?"

"Their fights were usually over one or both of them cheating on the other. William was born from a poet obsessed with love." He snorts derisively. "If he can't manage the straight and narrow for Mother, what hope do I have?"

"So what!? Christ, It's just skin. You and Ames are fuckin drivin me nuts."

"Know thyself, Faith. Know thyself. Can you really see Amy taking it well if she came home and found me with some other girl?"

"Not that Sun Tzu stuff again. God, It's just sex- err..." Ames said she wanted the whole 'dating' crap or whatever didn't she? "Okay, I guess Ames doesn't see it that way does she?"

"Exactly! You and I? We could probably manage just fine getting each other off and not being upset if I walked in on you and Buffy going at it. But I think Amy might be a bit possessive for that."

...

"Right... Ames is totally the possessive one. Also, dude! I'm your sister!"

"...so what?"

"So what!? Fuckin vamp logic." I start banging my head against the truck window in frustration.

...

The sound of shattering glass fills the truck as my window breaks. Shit, not again. I turn back to Jack and shrug apologetically. "...Oops?"

Jack just laughs at me before smiling and mussing up my hair. "Don't worry about it. I'll get it replaced."

I like that this time I'm more important than some stupid car. Mom's loser boyfriends have never felt that way.

 **-Winters Residence – Atrium : Thursday Late Afternoon-**

Racing down the stairs with Ames I turn towards the basement to head for the gun safe. Shit. So much for them waiting til the dead of night.

"What the actual fuck..." Jack mumbles, sounding confused. He stops closing the door and continues looking at whatever's out there. His hand is on the pistol he keeps holstered in his back but he's signaling stand down.

"What is- who's that? He looks familiar..." Ames stares out the door thoughtfully while Jack's head whips around to stare at her. "Wasn't he singing at Caritas last week?"

"Oh... Yeah... I think so." Jack starts to relax. His hand stays near his pistol as he looks back outside though. Something is clearly bothering him. "Hello! Can I help you?"

I hear a dudes voice answer as I start walking back towards the door. Oz looks as confused as I feel. "I hope so. My name is Lindsey McDonald, I'm an associate with Wolfram and Hart. I'm looking for a Jack Winters."

Jack waves the rest of us back. "... May I ask what about?"

The voice apparently belongs to some guy in a suit who stops just outside the doorway and smiles at Jack. "I have some news about his father."

...

What the shit? Oh. He must mean Jack's dad's dad? Maybe? Fuck, vampire family trees are confusing.

Oz tugs on my sleeve and gives me a look. Sniffing the air, he glances back at suit dude. "I think that guy is one of the ones that broke in and bugged the place last month."


	61. Interlude 12C – Splinter Groups

**Interlude 12C – Splinter Groups:**

***POV Willow***

 **-Sunnydale High - Library – After Last Period Monday-**

I race into the library. "Giles! This is horrible!"

...

I find him at his desk already polishing his glasses. "Yes. Quite. What is horrible, exactly?"

"Faith and Jerk have a rail cannon!"

"A what?"

"Oh! They're these things that use electromagnetism to launch..."Giles blinks at me uncomprehendingly. I glance at the horribly outdated 'dread machine' that he think is a new age fad. "It's... a big gun. No. I think you'd call it a small Artillery."

"Oh, good lord! And they brought it to school!?"

"Actually... They built it as a project in shop. Apparently Mr. Verstra helped."

"Bloody colonials. Have you people no sense?"

"Hey! I told you it was horrible. Don't lump me in with Jerk."

"Yes. I can see now how such distinctions remain important as the world dissolves into madness around us."

...

"Is there something wrong? I mean-"

"Besides Angelus' Return and Jack's newfound status as a some manner day-walking vampire?"

"Angel isn't-" I huff. "...Yes?"

"I'm not certain." Giles sighs and resumes polishing his glasses. "In the midst of angrily telling me to- well, go away. Faith indicated that Amy Madison has become exceptionally proficient with Pyromancy."

"And that's of the bad?"

"Perhaps. Conjuration is one of the more difficult, and dangerous branches of magic. Dealing with the primal forces of the universe, and at such a young age, is incomparably dangerous." Giles stares at me for a moment.

"Hey! What's with the funny look, Buster?"

"Quite frankly, the only thing I can think of being more dangerous would be reaching beyond the boundaries of death. While you were concussed no less?"

...oh. "So, would this be a bad time to admit I've been having a hard time modifying the soul curse to work on Jerk?"

Giles reaches to remove his glasses before realizing they're still in his other hand.

 **-Sunnydale High - Library – After Last Period Tuesday-**

I head toward the Library to meet Oz with his change of clothes for after the full moon. Walking in, I can hear Xander and Giles talking before I spot them at our usual research table.

"...and walking around again. Apparently Jack-" Xander stops talking as he looks up and glares at me. I guess he's still made about Angel.

"What did Jerk do now?" Giles starts and turns around. My best friend is being a poopyhead, but at least Giles looks happy to see me.

Xander answers before Giles can speak. "Fixed Deadboy up before I could make the-"

"Xander! I told you! He's not-"

"He's a vampire! He's Ev-"

"AHEM!" Jerk's voice comes from directly behind me. Heart lurching, I leap away and spin around to find Jerk smiling at me. "Thanks, Babs! You were kind of blocking the doorway." I scoot back and away as he walks right past me, no longer even acknowledging I exist.

"What do you want?" Xander snarls.

"Well... I was rather hoping we might have a nice civil chat, but I can see that I was being too optimistic." Jerk starts pacing around the room.

"What, in particular were you looking to discuss?" Giles reaches for his glasses, but then stops and puts his hand back down, keeping his eyes focused on Jerk.

"You giving me a heads up when the council hit squads start rolling into town." Hit squads?

"What could possibly make you think I'd help you?" What hit squads?

"Me? Nothing. You've dedicated your entire life to the _genocide_ of my people." Jerk looks over and smiles at me. What..? I blink. Excuse you! That is NOT the same thing.

"Just what, then, are you trying to accomplish?"

"Well, I'd really rather avoid the hassle of a Knightfall situation." Huh? Night fall? Like after dusk?

"...What?"

"Ah..." Jerk walks up to the table. "Let me tell you a little story. It's the tragic tale of just what happens the day Batman dies."

Xander coughs, eyebrows shooting up.

Jerk twitches, lifting one leg. A battleaxe lifts up off the floor on his foot. We all step back as he catches it. Where did that even come from?

...

Looking under the table, Xander's dufflebag is on the floor. Xander..? Why did you have a battleaxe in your dufflebag?

"So..." Jerk begins, twirling the axe absently. "Alfred's sitting at home in the manor one night when the doorbell rings. He finds a panicked looking Harley Quinn on the doorstep holding Batso's corpse." Jerk pauses, slapping the axe handle into his free hand. Head tilted to the side he smiles at us like a deranged lunatic. "They found him this way. She swears they did. Harley brought him home hopin he could be fixed, even though she knows he can't. Knows he's gone."

"Are you threatening me?" Xander asks.

Jerk shakes his head sadly, before using the axe to point at Xander. "You see, her Puddin's always known Mistah Wayne was the Bat she says, but his fight was never with Brucey. It was with what he represented. A battle of ideologies if you will. The Bat stands for something. A symbol. He doesn't kill." Jerk shrugs. "So the Joker set out to make him break his own rule."

"What does that-" Yeah... I don't get what Jerk's trying to say either Giles.

"But! Mistah J went crazy she tells him. They took away his reason for being, so he had to find a new one. And oh, did he ever. Behind him Alfred can hear the breaking news reports start to talk about Harvey dent being found cut in half. Mistah J never was a very good detective you see, so he's decided to just kill all the suspects." Jerk holds the battle axes lengthwise between his hands. "If the Joker was willing to do that over losing his favorite opponent..."

Jerk flashes purple as he crushes the steel battle axe between his hands.

"Imagine what I'll do if anyone tries to take a shot at Harley." Jerk glares at Giles.

"Wha?" Xander asks confusedly. He looks horrified. Who's- oh. Oh no.

"The council doesn't-" Giles starts to deny something but Jerk cuts him off.

"Or Buffy? Can't picture Travers taking the news that she's boinked the undead very well either. Tell me Giles, what exactly are you planning to say when the girl that looks to you as a father finds out she's just a _disposable_ asset? Will you tell her that your precious council doesn't condone her life choices before shooting her? Or will you polish your glasses so you don't have to watch while someone else does it for you?"

Tossing the bent battle axe on the table Jerk walks out of the library.

 **-Sunnydale Library – Moments Later-**

"Xander! What we did has NOTHING to do with this. How can you even- Eurgh! Xander! No!"

"...Huh."

I turn around to see Oz walking out of the library. Oh no. How much did he hear? "Oz! Wait! Come back!"

I race out of the library but Oz is already down the hall turning the corner.

I hear Cordelia's voice before I round the corner, "Daddy? What do you mean an aud-" But I'm moving too fast to stop and crash into her anyway. We go down in a tangle of limbs and Oz's extra clothes. "-Spaz much!?"

I scramble to my feet and look around. "Cordelia!? Have you seen Oz?"

"No."

"But he went right passed you!"

"So? I was a little busy talk- Daddy!?" Cordelia grabs her cell phone. "Hello? Sorry Daddy..."

I don't have time for this. Oz must have left the school, I head out the main doors.

...

I'm just in time to see Oz's Van drive away.

I need to find him. Explain what happened. Explain- Oh no! It's the full moon tonight!

 **-Sunnydale High Hallways : Wednesday Before 1st Period-**

As I close my locker I hear Buffy's voice behind me. "Wills?"

I spin around and pull her into a hug. "Buffy!"

"... Is something wrong?"

"I think Oz and I broke up."

"You...think... you broke up? What happened?"

"Xander and I had a fight."

"Oz broke up with you because you had a fight with Xander?"

"No- yes... No. Sort of. Xander and I... We kind of started..." Deep breath. I have to tell her. "We kissed. And then we kept kissing... And then I felt guilty, and we didn't tell Xander about Angel and I already felt guilty about that. So there was more guiltage. And then there was more illicit smooches to try and feel less guilty for lying to Xander but I just felt more guilty because of Oz. I just didn't know what to do."

...

"You could bake them a 'sorry I kissed you both' cake?"

"...Buffy..."

"Sorry. I tried."

"I know... I tried calling you last night but I kept getting a busy signal."

"Oh my god... Dawn was on the phone all night complaining to Faith about me freaking out on her over my favorite- Oh! Hey, I was going to go see Mr. Platt. You should come with me."

"You're still seeing him?"

"Not as often, but... I had this fight with Faith... And she said that a lot of Slayers are killed by their Watchers-"

"Jack tried to tell us that too-"

"Wills... Angel confirmed it. Jack wasn't lying."

Wasn't lying? But... "No. You can't- Giles wouldn't-"

"No. Not Giles... but it could be all 'pip pip cheerio! Off with her head!' in England like- like with Mrs. Post."

"They cut off her head!?"

"No- I mean, she was a watcher and she went all dark arts and... I don't know."

"So that's why you're going to see Mr. Platt? You think I should talk to him about Oz?"

"Yeah. He's good at listening, you know?"

"So I'm supposed to tell him that I made my werewolf boyfriend so angry that he ran away on a full moon? What if he ate someone? That- it'd be all my fault."

"He didn't eat anyone Wills."

"How do you know?"

"Dawn told me-"

"Dawn told you!?"

"Yeah she said Oz crashed in Jack's-"

"He's at Jerk's!?"

"Yeah, I know, I had Dawn ask Faith to look after him. He's fine. I saw him pull into the parking lot behind me."

 **-Sunnydale High - Cafeteria : Wednesday Lunchtime-**

Running a bit late, but less than the others apparently, I slip into my usual seat across from Buffy. "Hey."

"How're you doing?"

"Better I- ...I see Xander and Cordelia." They're not running late, they're sitting at a different table.

"Yeah... they're sitting over there today."

"With Harmony?"

"I guess they're trying to convince her to stop... You know." Buffy taps two fingers against her neck. They do look like they're all arguing about something. Cordelia catches me looking at them and glares at me.

"Thanks for trying, but from the look Cordelia just gave me, I'm pretty sure they're just avoiding me."

"Sorry. If it helps Xander's avoiding me too."

"It doesn't. But hey, at least maybe I'll have a chance to talk to Oz at lunch tomorrow?"

"That's the spirit!" Buffy smiles at me.

The downsides of being best friends with someone. You can tell when their cheerful is all full of forced.

 **-Sunnydale High - Parking Lot : Friday Before School-**

"I still can't believe her. I was looking for her at the middle school for an hour! I called mom thinking I'd lost her and she answers the phone all cheerfully oh hey Buffy."

"How did she get home?"

"She went out for ice-"

"Babs! Kara! Lovely morning isn't it?"

...Really? My shoulders sag even as I turn around. Yup. Jerk is walking towards us with Faith and Amy trailing along behind.

"You!" Buffy yells, pointing at Jerk.

"Jerk... we don't feel like dealing with you right now. Can you just... go away?"

...

Jerk disappears in a burst of flame. Wha? Did I just?

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM!?"

"Faith! Calm down. She didn't-"

A hand grabs my shoulder and spins me around. Faith's fist-

...


	62. Part 40 – Lost in Space-Time Discontinuu

**Part 40 – Lost in Space-Time Discontinuum:**

 **-Winters Residence – Atrium : Thursday Evening-**

"I hope so. My name is Lindsey McDonald, I'm an associate with Wolfram and Hart. I'm looking for a Jack Winters." Lindsey smiles at me. I'm fairly certain he knows exactly who I am... Or at least he thinks he does.

Waving my people back, I begin the obnoxious dance that is polite social interaction. "... May I ask what about?"

"I have some news about his father."

...

The fuck?

Mild panic at the idea of being reduced to something akin to Grandfather flickers through me for a short moment before I catch Oz's whispered conversation with Faith. "I think that guy is one of the ones that broke in and bugged the place last month."

The urge to rip this trespasser apart surges through me, burning through my panic and testing my poker face to its utter limits.

Fortunately for Lindsey, magically enhanced memories of him being amusing on father's TV team up with rational self interest to carry the day. I suppose boxing up his heart and mailing it back to WR&H will have to wait. Pity, maybe they'd have sent Lilah next. Oh the fun we could have had.

But alas, I plaster my best foolish mortal smile onto my face and take a step back from the door. "Are you able to come in?"

Lindsey's surprised blink induces one of my own. I know he knows about vampires. Does he not know I am one? Maybe this isn't about _father_ after all? Could he mean father's father?

...

Well at least Ramon isn't spying for Wolfram & Hart on top of Lanier. The whole vanilla mortal song and dance routine I've been doing for months might still be worth something if every Caritas patron isn't privy to the truth.

...

As Lindsey walks in, I take note of the lack of security types. Hmmm... I wonder if that's Wolfram & Hart being confident in their reputation amongst the locals here or the fact that Lindsey said he was an Associate rather than Junior Partner? Does he not yet merit protection? Then again, it would hardly be the first time I've seen Lindsey here wander off on his own.

...

Speaking of The Wolf, The Ram, and The Hart... "Oz, I think that stuff you wanted is down in the basement. Faith, could you show him? I'm pretty sure I left it in one of the storage cages after Amy's birthday celebrations." Still smiling, I hand over my keys to Faith, gun safe key first, before turning back to Lindsey. "And... I believe you said you had news about my father?"

"Yes. One of my firm's clients, a Mr. Russell Winters, believes you may be his missing son."

...

Err... what? Ignoring for now that it's not true, that's not even physiologically possible.

"I see..." Lacking any idea how to properly respond to such an absurd statement, I stall. "Would you like some coffee? I suddenly suspect we may be here a while."

"No, but thank you for offering." The slight wariness to his tone and scent makes me blink for a moment. Oh... yes, I suppose I could see how he might be concerned about being dosed with something. I wonder if there are drugs that affect humans but not vampires.

Tilting my head to the side and making the face I usually reserve for Fire, Yankees Fans, or Buffy, I attempt to cover for my confusion. "You're not a... _tea_ drinker are you?"

"No... Thankfully not." Lindsey sounds as though we may have lost the plot as he sets his briefcase down on the kitchen table. Perhaps I was meant to leap at the idea of my father having... erm... huh. I suppose I do have a bit of an obvious obsession with family. Perhaps that's the con? Present me with a rich relative that I would _of course_ want to get to know and then... what? I don't really see an endgame here.

I shrug. "So, Russell Winters thinks he may be my hitherto absentee father?" I pause and scratch the back of my head. "Erm... that name sounds familiar. He's a..." My confusion is suddenly distressingly genuine. The shows never actually explained what Russell Winters Enterprises actually did. Though Cordelia seemed to think he could help her with her acting career. "...uh, an entertainment mogul over in L.A. or something?"

"Investment mogul technically." Lindsey smiles. "Though his portfolio does skew towards the entertainment and media sectors."

Okay... that doesn't really tell me much of anything as far as I can tell right now. I suppose trying to play defensively against a future vice president of Wolfram & Hart's Special Project's division may not have been my best idea. I shrug "Right... so what's he need?"

"Need?"

"Well, first I couldn't help but notice that you show up claiming that this man is my father just after I turn 18." I gesture at the house around us. "After I finally get my life in order, and settle down. So at first I thought you wanted money. But you say he has plenty of that." I shrug broadly and open with something I know is wrong to establish a baseline reaction. "So what is it? Kidney? Liver? What organ failed badly enough that he got up off his absentee ass and finally tracked me down? Or should I say sent his lackey to do it for him. "

...

That came out a lot more genuine than intended. I _may_ have over channeled my annoyance at William the Bloody Monopolizer of Mothers into that. I guess I can add 'has abandonment issues' to my own chart. May as well put it to use.

Lindsey's expression tells me I've likely wandered off the script they expected me to follow. Interesting in and of itself. Implies that they thought they had me figured out. Oz thinks they bugged my house. Lindsey's presence explains why Amy's wards were so thoroughly circumvented. Did they devise a surveillance bug that doesn't trigger my tattoos?

But that also says they've been looking into me for at least a month. I suppose they could have had me, or the girls tailed. My obsession, if I'm being honest with myself, with family bonds is rather hard to miss.

Lindsey's expression turns mea culpa. "To be honest, you're half right."

"I don't see how half a kidney would help him."

"No, but you getting your life in order so to speak is how we found you." He shrugs. "He's had my firm looking for your mother for some time now, but it wasn't until your name came up during an investment analysis that we were made aware he might have a son."

What a horrifyingly mundane thought, betrayed by my own paperwork. Err- wait. The only investment analysis where I would have come up would've been Google.

I wonder what the seers that Wolfram & Hart uses to evaluate companies would make of one where I attend the occasional stakeholder meeting? I suspect getting an 'Error 404: Future not Found' might have upset them a fair bit.

I sigh. Damage control it is. "So you... what? Saw we had the same last name and looked into my history? I really don't see how you went from a shared last name to thinking I was the long lost son of some guy in L.A." A guy who just happens to be an old vampire that can't have that kind of kid no less...

 **-Winters Residence – Atrium : Thursday Evening-**

Closing the door behind Lindsey I lean against it as nervous laughter wracks my body.

Eris, Janus, I do believe owe whichever one of you drew up and backdated the paperwork detailing my father's fictitious life a sacrifice of livestock.

Given that said paperwork listed my mother as Emilia Edith... probably Eris. Miss Edith told Mother where to find father indeed. Yes, I do believe I'll have to hunt her up a co-ed.

I suppose step one though, would be to compare the paperwork he left behind to the paperwork I had printed out back when I first hunted down the lawyers responsible for my emancipation. Assuming they match... Then I guess-

Errr... And also assuming that it wasn't actually Wolfram & Hart that backdated that same paperwork for Eris in the first place.

...

Or that their backdating process doesn't involve a temporal fold to retroactively alter any paperwork in my safe.

...

Fuck.

I hate magic.

Even if it does seem to have cast me as the impossible offspring of an ancient Vampire and a figment of Mother's imagination.

...

Yeah. There's no way this isn't a con or a trap.

Still... being polite costs me nothing, I may as well find Eris her due either way.

 **-Sunnydale High Parking Lot : Friday Morning-**

"I don't know, I think B might come around."

"You think... Stabberific Barbie is going to be the one to call a truce? Really?"

"She ain't- Dawnsteh said she didn't even get mad about you takin us out for ice cream. Well, she got mad, but at Dawn for not tellin her where she went, you know?"

"Huh. I expected better fireworks." Faith and Amy roll their eyes at me in unison. They have to be practicing that. "Oh hey... speak of the devil, I guess we'll find out? Babs! Kara! Lovely morning isn't it?"

Buffy whips around and points at me. "You!"

See Faith? Fireworks!

Willow, shoulders slumped, adds her own dejected sounding comment. "Jerk... we don't feel like dealing with you right now." I grin, but then my tattoos start to tingle... "Can you just..." The world feels like it's lurching in every direction all at once. My tattoos start to flare incandescent. "...go away?"

My vision blurs as everything dissolves into fire and pain. This is worse than even that time with the stupid fucking monks. The fuck did Willow just try to hit me with?

I'm suddenly alone in the parking lot. The smell of my own burnt flesh fills my nostrils even as my ring kicks into high gear trying to regrow my skin as the heat from my tattoos burns it off.

I bolt for the school swimming pool at a dead sprint. The ring is slowly losing ground against my own high flammability. Gods Fucking Damn It.

Pushing through the doors I dive straight into the deep end of the pool, exhaling as I go. With no air in my lungs the weight of my gear sinks me straight to the bottom, the water immediately sucking the heat right out of my tattoos.

As my ring knits me back together, my unthinking attempt at sighing in relief fills my lungs with water. Well, that's all new kinds of awkward and uncomfortable.

I trudge my way along the bottom of the pool towards the wall and half climb half swim my way to the surface.

I find a hand held out when I break the surface.

...

I grab it and it helps pull me up out of the pool.

"Thanks." I tell the kid the helping hand is attached to. Tim? Tom? Ted I think? Something like that. The one with that weirdly shaped burn scars who glares at Amy occasionally but I'm not allowed to eat.

...Or I try to tell him. Mostly I just gurgle and spit up pool water.

"You okay, man?"

One last deep breath to cycle air in and water out and I manage a choked out, "Yeah. I'm fine." Giving myself a once over, my clothes are a lost cause; Half scorched and all soggy. "Might trouble you for a towel though."

"Dude. You were on fire." Xander reminds me.

"Yes, Bats, I did notice that."

...

I look back up. Xander is now standing next to Tony looking at me with a confused expression. "Bats?" He glances around. "I don't see any bats."

...

Xander is in swim team gear. He looks wary, but not overtly hostile like he did yesterday. No recognition in his eyes at all.

I'd say I got flung back in time by one of Willow's specialty order magical whoopsidents except... Burn scar kid is also sporting a different set of random burn scars.

...

Things are suddenly different just after Spike's visit? Damn it... I knew I should have at least tried shooting Anya.

The fuck did Cordelia even wish for this time? It clearly reached back to early childhood if it altered whatever camping accident Amy refuses to elaborate on.

...early childhood? Did Wolfram & Hart just try and make my history match their con? That manages to be even more alarming that Anya being meddlesome for no reason.

And my stomach gurgles just in case I missed the fact that I'm getting kind of hungry. Gods Damn It. This is going to be a long ass... day..?

"Uh... Xander? Is it still November 23rd 1998?"

Xander nods and looks at me even more confusedly. He and Theo glance at each other again briefly, as if to confirm they're both seeing the same crazy man before them.

"Right then..." I laugh. "May I just say what a lovely goatee that is you have there, Mr. Spock?"


	63. Part 41 – Into Darkness

**Part 41 – Into Darkness:**

 **-Sunnydale High – Pool : T = +10 minutes**

Xander and Timothy do a fish impression for a moment. Under less obnoxious circumstances I'd probably find watching Xander's face as his mind reboots hilarious.

"...hey! Why am I evil Spock? You're the one-"

"No!"

"No?"

"You're not Spock." I point at Theodore. "He is." Turning back to Xander, I smile. "You're obviously Kirk."

"Does that make you McCoy?"

I blink. "Don't be ridiculous. I just survived being lit on fire while transitioning timelines and then inhaling Sunnydale High's pool water, I'm clearly Khan." I pat Xander on the shoulder, and hand him back his towel, as I step around him and make my way back out towards the parking lot. He obvious needs more time to process recent events and I don't feel like waiting, or even really care about fake Batso's conclusions.

Digging out my wallet I sigh. Maybe I should have insisted on Amy fireproofing everything rather than just the essentials. Oh hindsight, and I guess Amy's point about time constraints still stands. Having the contents of my wallet is nice though, even if it's all a bit soggy.

I should also try to remember to thank my Amy specifically for fireproofing my ring's cover. I still can't believe I didn't even notice it had burnt away in the monastery until she whacked me upside the head on the fight home.

I snort, "Oh right, I accidentally set myself on fire earlier today. Oops?" was apparently not the answer she was looking for when she asked me what happened.

...

Pushing open the door, and looking out at the still mostly empty parking lot it occurs to me that Amy is most likely already here at school somewhere or will be soon. But... she wouldn't be my Amy, would she? Or my Faith. Hell, even if I spent another month working on her, I'm not even really sure how I made my version of Harmony the first time.

Nope. I don't think I like this time/dimension travel nonsense any more than I do magic.

I should probably sort out my clothing situation so I don't draw the interest and ire of every local I meet. Then, hopefully, I just need to hunt down Cordelia and bludgeon some sense into her so I can go home. I think I'm just going to steadfastly ignore any other possibility for as long as possible.

"...Hey! Where are you going?"

"Clothing store." I wave briefly to the swim team before stepping out the door and making my way to-

Oh. Right. Sheila isn't my truck in this world either.

 **-Sunnydale – Downtown : T = +1 hour**

I flee the mall in my new outfit. Gods Damn It, kiosk people. No, I do not want to try your fucking soaps! Harmony always managed to make them go away.

Safely outside, I chuckle. Speaking of Harmony... she would be so proud of me, I managed to find 'acceptable' clothing all on my own. Granted walking in and demanding that the first sales girl I met find me new ones while pointing to my current clothing may have cheating.

Ah well. It's not like I left the clerk in any condition to tattle on me to the universe's nonexistent referee. Or even to Harmony for that matter, not that the Harmony of this world would know who I am to care about how I dress.

Right. Homewards I go. Winding Cordelia's hair around my pendant I set out back towards-

...

Err- The fuck? That is not the direction of the high school.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

 **-Sunnydale - Warehouse District : T = +2 hours-**

My pendant tells me Cordelia is in an abandoned warehouse.

My inexplicable sense of family awareness tells me there's a pair of... female... cousins maybe? inside with her.

Ungh.

Now I need to save my ride home before she gets herself eaten. Joygasm. Well, I guess she's not technically my ride home so much as an easy way to confirm if this is Anyanka's doing. I'd rather not get a millennia old reality warping demon who is mostly famous for hating my gender involved in this if she isn't already.

I walk in the door to the warehouse.

...

What the shit is this?

The inside of the warehouse is done up to look like a high school classroom. With a few rows of student desks, a blackboard, and... everything really.

Well, I suppose I can discount any notion of Willow being the one that did this. Behind the teacher's desk is Vamp Willow, complete with hookerwear outfit, and a slow languid smile.

The pervasive scent of female arousal. Willow's eyes rolling back in her head as her back arches and the muscles in her arms tense. Arms which are reaching below the desk where my family-radar is telling me the other cousin is. It all paints a fascinating picture of what's going on here. Especially with the pendant pointing right at the two of them.

Unfortunately it also makes me strongly suspect my life just got significantly more complicated. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Willow is her expected vampiric wishverse self. But... instead of being her other half, Xander is back at school attending a practice for a swim team that doesn't seem to have turned into a bunch fish demons. His role appears to have been replaced by Cordelia? I am apparently in a wishverse..? Maybe..? Just... not in that one.

Either way, this is not my world, or at least not my timeline. That amounts to the same thing right? Not knowing how temporal folds work... or, honestly, if that's even what this was... I don't know which is true. Does it matter? If you rewind time to before someone is born, and then that someone is conceived and born anew in the second timeline... are they the same person?

I'm still standing there trying to figure out what the hell happened when Willow's eyes start to come back into focus. "Hey... You're back early."

...

What the actual fuck? Is father or another me running around somewhere in this bizarro world?

Willow turns to me and her expression goes slack for a quick instant. "Oh. You're not-" Oh thank the gods, she wasn't actually expecting me. "...hi there." And Willow has gone from confused to sultry in .5 seconds, that's new. She stands up, dragging Cordelia up from under the desk roughly by the hair. Yup, she's the other cousin. There goes what little remaining hope I had that this would be as easily solved as it was in canon.

...

Apparently Vamp Willow doesn't take very good care of her toys. Cordelia's back is littered with scratch marks, some of them fresh, some obviously not. That she gives no reaction to Willow's treatment of her beyond faint whimpering is... interesting. Somebody's been well and truly broken in. Judging by the smell, she's even learned to enjoy being broken.

I'm still admiring her work when Vamp Willow licks her lips and leans towards me. "Care to join us? I'll let you play with my puppy..." She trails off as her hand trails down Cordelia's side, disappearing behind the desk with a solid smacking noise.

Did Willow just- Oh, what the hell... What's alternate timeline pseudo-family for if not to make you feel better after a confusing and painful morning?

Kicking the door closed and stepping forward as I start unbuttoning my shirt, I grin back halfheartedly. "Always looking for that onemoresome- ...Red?" Only remembering at the last moment that I probably shouldn't know her name already.

"Of course I am..." She breathes out seductively, licking her lips before her eyes suddenly widen as I get closer. "You're a vampire!?"

...

"Seriously?" I ask as Willow starts looking from me to the door and back. She didn't know? "You mean... you did that whole fucking routine just to get food delivered to you from 20 feet away?" Fucking. Moronic. Fledges.

"But you were outside in the Sun!"

Well, why fix what isn't broken? I make a show of glancing back at the door. "Yeah... so what? I've never had any trouble with the Sun in this world."

 **-Sunnydale - Warehouse District : T = +5 hours-**

For the third time in as many hours my apparently Great Grand Aunt Willow tries to drag more information out of me while I return the favor.

So far... I think I'm winning, but do suppose I have an unfair advantage given that I'm both better practiced at twisting Willow's trains of thoughts sideways and abusing the truth with enthusiasm. Not to say that Willow and Cordelia haven't proven remarkably skilled at distracting my own trains of thought right back.

"Mmmm... I think I like you." Willow whispers breathily into my ear as she spoons against my side. I roll my eyes as she drags a finger nail down my chest. At least she's gotten over throwing a tantrum whenever my body heals immediately rather than scarring. "We haven't been able to make her cry like that in ages." There's that 'we' again.

"You know... you keep mentioning this other playmate of yours, Red. But you're rather scarce on the details." About all I know about him is that he's a guy and a vampire. I initially found that rather comforting considering we're currently laying in a bed that I'm fairly certain used to belong to Buffy and I had no interest in having her walk in on this. Now that I've found out Heinrich killed Buffy in the caves over a year ago in this world I'm somewhat less enthused by the idea. I rather strongly suspect Heinrich turned Willow as a replacement for Great Grandmother who is, sadly, still dust here in bizarro world.

"Ah. Ah. That-"

"-Would be telling... so you've said." Repeatedly. "And we can't have that now, can we?" Buffy being dead is also telling in a way. It tells me this is definitely not some variation of the canon wish. Someone must have knocked out one of her support pillars. Time of death makes me think it might have been Xander's life that got edited, though I can't even say if that was on purpose. Willow, of all people, never mentioning him isn't exactly confirm-

Willow's fingernails dig in deeper. "Of course not, not while you still won't tell me how this marvelous amulet of yours let you walk around in the sunshine."

This again? Her persistence on that train of thought was annoying an hour ago, now it's infuriating. "I told you already, my amulet has nothing to do with-"

"Bored now." She smirks at me.

"I believe I warned you what I'd do if you insisted on calling me a liar?"

"You did." She says enthusiastically as she squirms around so she's lying on her stomach. "Just like we did to my puppy, you promised."

Christ on a cracker, that turns her on too? I thought she was just into hurting Cordelia, not pain in general. She's worse than Faith- Err, maybe not Faith... judging by her canon adventures Faith might share the whole autoerotic asphyxiation fetish. But I could buy myself a whole gods damned week without questions from Amy just by mentioning the topic.

...

Still, a promise is a promise, I start reaching around to clamp my hand down on her throat as I roll on top of her.

 **-Sunnydale - Warehouse District : T = +6 hours-**

"Fucking seriously!?"

I shove my cousin Cordelia back with a barked order to, "stay!" Her immediate compliance and obedient nod was both far more impressive and concerning when I thought Willow had found a way to Thrall a fellow vampire. Finding out she'd done all the rewiring before siring her was kind of a letdown. Helpful to know right now though, since it means I don't have to be worried about having the same done to me.

Spinning around I drive my fist directly into Willow's still shocked looking face. Feeling that uniquely satisfying crunch as her nose breaks under my fist, I confirm she's been knocked unconscious before shaking out my hand as the bones in my fingers rapidly un-break themselves.

That done, I go about rediscovering the unpleasant way just how hard it is to try and remove a stake from my own back.

...

"Cordelia! Pull the stake out of my back."

She does. Holding it in her hand and staring back at me with the same vacant expression that's been reminding me of Harmony's early days this whole time. Or maybe not... looking into Cordelia's eyes for the first time today I think it's more fair to say she reminds me of those would be human traffickers in Budapest. Harmony always looked completely and absolutely thrilled to be wherever she was ordered. Cordelia smiles happily the whole time and begs for more... while crying and whimpering a lot. I wonder if Willow did that on purpose? She probably did. I got the distinct feeling this Willow hated Cordelia with a kind of fire I don't know that I've ever truly managed. Truly odd bond to want to make eternal, but there you go.

Taking the stake away from her, I turn back to Willow, who's slowly coming back to consciousness on the ground. A swift kick sets that process back a few more minutes and makes me feel slightly better.

Twirling the stake in my hands I try to decide what to do next.

I still don't know how temporal folds work... so these two could possibly be family even if I doubt it. It's not like a world teeming with cousins would be the worst world I could wind up stuck in. If I have to stay here-

Kneeling on the ground I wait for Mother's emphatic disagreement with that last thought to pass. Shaking my head to clear it I have to concede that that was well put, Mother. If Mother never came to town, she never killed Kendra. Faith might be out there, but not my Sister. Mother never made me here, I don't exist. I'm little more than an echo of a lost world, a figment of Mother's imagination. Figments can't have family, we aren't real.

Right then, I'm leaving. But first... I'm rather sick of people thinking its okay to try and stake me. Hmmm... the punishment ought to fit the crime.

Picking Willow up and dumping her on to the bed I tap Cordelia on the cheek. "Fangs out, babe."

...

Cordelia slides into gameface as ordered, but her fangs are broken off.

Note to self. Willow is fucking messed up in the head. Do not ever let her get turned back home.

Lifting Willow back up I bite down on her neck. The lack of a beating heart induced blood pressure makes the wound ooze out blood rather than spurting.

I hold her out to Cordelia. "Drink up." Cordelia lowers herself down onto Willow and starts sucking at her neck.

Rifling through the night stand drawer for a paper and pen to take note of what happens, I shake my head at Willow's foolishness. This is the problem with turning opponents into mindless minions. You can't trust them not to rebel or get co-opted while you're away or incapacitated. I definitely prefer my policy of only dealing with trusted lieutenants that have enough brain cells to rub together.

I should also make a note that Willow's blood tastes a bit different than the prisoner's and possibly has a slightly higher... mana content? Hard to say given that I don't have any data on the safety of consuming the blood of one's Great Grandaunt and I'm disinclined to use myself as the guinea pig.

Aha! A pen and notebook! I frown briefly at the funny writing inside. It's Willow's so I'd guess it's written in Hebrew? Shrugging and flipping to a blank page at the back, I figure I can try and translate it later if I run out of actually useful projects.

It takes Cordelia a few minutes to completely drain Willow to the point where she dusts. I would guess relying purely on suction due to lack of blood pressure prolongs the process.

...

We _were_ rather rudely interrupted after all... "One more for the road, babe?"

Cordelia stares back at me for a moment with freshly grown fangs on display as she smiles. "...okay."

It's the first time I've heard her speak an actual word today, and it makes me smile. I wonder if Amy has a point about my having a thing for brunettes..? Nah, I think maybe I just have a thing for collecting broken people.

Either way I grab the sides of her head. "Fangs in then, that's a good girl."

 **-Sunnydale - Warehouse District : T = +7 hours-**

Pulling my pants back on I glance back over at the bed when I hear a strange sound.

Cordelia's gone. The stake she left behind is rolling back and forth on the mattress.

I guess that was one more time for the road for both of us.

If there is an afterlife for our demonic souls, I hope she spends it rubbing it into Willow's face that she outlived her and won their little rivalry in the end. Bitch fucking staked me mid go, and in the back no less.

Now if Willow was being truthful about Heinrich still being active here... this world is probably chock fucking full of false cousins and moronic fledges by now. If my family radar had better range I'd likely be overwhelmed by the results.

Willow got cagey whenever the topic of why Heinrich wasn't in charge came up, but I got the impression that this Sunnydale is in the throes of a supernatural civil war.

Since Cordelia didn't wish this world upon us... I guess that makes someone at Wolfram & Hart trying to be clever the next likely option? Fan-fucking-tastic. I only still exist, as me at least, because of my tattoos. How the hell do I get them to undo it? Christ, I'm about to base a plan on a plotline from the comics that father only read about in a fanfic aren't I? That's what I've been reduced to? Fuck everything's life, the only way I know of to get Wolfram & Hart to back the fuck down is to break the world so fucking thoroughly that their endgame apocalypse gets invalidated. Gods damn it, that means finding and killing not-Grandfather while basically ending the world. Err- At least I'm pretty sure that's how Los Angeles got out of hell.

Meh. It's not my world. Who cares? Still, hardly a course of action to undertake on a whim... But, either way, I should probably set about re-arming myself before the sun sets in a few hours. Having the orbs' boost available is nice, but I'd like a weapon more effective than the knife hidden in my boot. Maybe the Glove is still over in the Von Hauptman Crypt in this timeline? That'd be a good start.

 **-Von Hauptman Crypt : T= +8 Hours-**

Walking back out of the crypt as the Glove of Myhnegon latches onto my arm, I hear a familiar voice shouting.

Suddenly sprinting out of the cemetery, I follow the sounds of battle towards what looks like a buggerfucking ogre trying to squish Faith. Faith is forced into a backwards roll by the swing of a hammer even I consider obnoxiously oversized, and I upgrade my previous thought to 'Ogre-Magi' when it gestures and a nearby car is telekinetically flung at Faith's now already prone form.

Ripping power out of the nearest transformer on my way past and then tagging the huge bastard with a lightning bolt is easy. Fortunately it looks like doing so breaks his concentration, and the car nosedives back down to the ground. It rolls end over end, slowing down just barely enough that Faith is able to roll out of its way.

...unfortunately that seems to be about all I accomplished. Well, no, I definitely made it mad at me. Ah well, nothing for it. "Get the fuck away from my Sister, fucktard!"

The ogre roars. "KILL THEM!" It can speak English!? Errr-

I recognize the voice even before a group of El-Eliminati come pouring into the fight from around a warehouse corner. That thing is fucking Balthazar? He's supposed- Oh. I see, He seems to have found his amulet in this world. And when did the Sun fucking set? It can't be later than 4. Not even my namesake season manages that yet this far South.

As a car comes careening my way, I make note to either figure out how to work that amulet myself or kill it with fire. He is no longer allowed to have it. Gods Damn It, I send another bolt of lightning his way as I move out of the path of another- no, the same car, just reused. "Using a car as a projectile, clichéd much?" Then again I probably shouldn't remind him that telekinesis could be used to pin me in place... can't it? Well... probably not me, thank Eris, but Faith maybe.

Even more fucking sword toting cultists rounding the corner shifts this fight from stupid to suicidal. Faith seems to agree with my assessment because she races past with a shouted, "Time ta go, dude!"

About the only thing going right in this whole cock up is that Balthazar is apparently slower than molasses flowing uphill in the dead of winter. Faith and I quickly gain distance from him as we race down the road.

Not from his psychotic minions though. Gods Damn It all, they must all be older than William given how quickly they're gaining on us. Even without their boss, going 2 vs. a horde with things that are fully capable of decapitating me does not appeal. I fry another few blocks worth of electrical grid pulling in more power and taze the closest cultist as I chase Faith around a cor-.

"Shitfuck. Dead end." Faith yells as I round the building and confirm the same.

"I thought you knew where you were going."

"Yeah, I did. Away from those guys!"

"Well, now what?" I drop another cultist with a lightning bolt as he clears the corner. His buddies seem unconcerned as they block us in.

Instead of Faith, the roar of a car engine answers me as some sort of Chevy plows through the bunched up cultists like a bowling ball.

...

"Now we make this fast and then get in the car." Faith is already in motion, darting forward and driving a stake into a downed cultist.

...The fuck just happened? Not the time. I grab one of the dropped swords and put down a few cultists before any with unbroken legs can climb to their feet.

The Chevy is now parked a short bit away from the alley we were in. A woman I've never seen before is dueling one of the cultists next to the open driver's side door.

Two of the cultists that didn't get pancaked rush at me as I step out of the alleyway. Running is clearly not the only thing they're able to do faster than me. This is going to be Kakistos all over again. I toggle on the orbs and take the first sword strike on my own blade. Sure enough, his buddy's sword whips right around through my amateur defenses and cuts into my arm.

...

I giggle. I love my orbs. The severed limb I expected is instead replaced by the sensation of a sword sawing ineffectively against my... uh... the bones in your forearm? The arm tibia thing. "You gave me a paper cut!" I gleefully inform the closer cultist before abandoning both subtlety and my sword to rush at him.

Wishboning him by the clavicle, I turn to other one who seems to have discovered that stabbing me in the back was also ineffective given that impaling my lungs doesn't do much beyond preventing me from taunting him. I slap him with a lightning bolt before pushing his sword back out and removing his head with it. My ring having already finished closing up my wounds as soon as the swords making them got out of its way.

No longer surrounded by maniac cultists I toggle off the orbs. Surviving the battle only to wind up killing myself via starvation would be embarrassing. As it is I already feel a bit peckish. Maybe I should have- No, eating Willow would have been a stupid risk.

"DOUBLE-D!" Faiths outraged cry pulls me back to reality. I turn around to see her beating the everloving snot out of the remaining cultist with her bare hands. Its sword currently pinning our mystery woman rescuer to her car through the chest.

...

Wait, Double D? As in Diana Dormer? What the actual fuck?


	64. Part 42 –Cognitive Dissonance

**Part 42 –Cognitive Dissonance:**

 **-Sunnydale Roadways : T = +8 Hours-**

Diana Dormer was still alive?

Okay, I guess that makes sense, I run the numbers in my head as I walk towards the car.

Willow made it sound like Heinrich was making all kinds of waves as he fought to take possession of the Hellmouth.

Miss Dormer and Faith must have been deployed here practically immediately after Kendra kicked it.

No time for Kakistos to get involved and kill her in... this... timeline.

...

I just went toe to toe with a full power Balthazar and then his sword-happy El Eliminati cultists for a girl that isn't my Sister.

Some stranger I've never even met.

And her fucking _watcher_ too.

Gods Damn It.

I sigh. I mean... I suppose... She's kind of like a clone of my Sister right? So that'd make her the identical twin daughter of my Sister? My Niece, basically?

...

Okay, this is fucking ridiculous. I'm putting way too much effort into justifying father's middle school crush on Eliza Dushku.

I glance over at AlterFaith... To be fair, it's hard to argue with father's tastes while looking at something so fantastic.

Being honest with myself, Niece or not, I don't think it really matters. She's the local Slayer, and being on good terms with her helps my odds of surviving if I wind up stuck in this crapsack world.

That I want to do things to her that would make my time with Willow and Cordelia seem tame by comparison is largely secondary at that point.

Nearing the car, I note that Miss Dormer actually appears to somehow still be alive in spite of her wound. Kudos on that, I suppose.

Hmmm... Looks like a punctured lung? I really ought to consider learning more about medicine and anatomy all things considered. Maybe I can convince the surgical department back home to let me observe some time?

...Not that now is really the time for such musings. Now is the time for taking advantage of such an easy bonding opportunity. Saving Miss Dormer's life will probably get me further with AlterFaith than simply being on hand when she dies.

I roll up my pant leg and fetch my emergency kit as she coughs up more blood. Definitely a lung problem in there somewhere.

Huh... that's no good. I appear to have melted the casing a bit at some poi- err, back while I was on fire I'd imagine. I guess fireproofing wards don't prevent melting, just combustion. I wonder if Amy could do a more generalized thermal energy ward.

...

Thank the gods it didn't ignite the road flare. I picked the flare for its safety cap, but still, what a fucking way to test it.

To my side Faith must have finished venting her frustrations on the last cultist as I hear the telltale sound of a vampire dusting.

She rushes over, rapidly chanting the word "no" like a panicked mantra that intersperses with "don't die" occasionally. I wrench the now fused on top off of my kit through the judicial application of brute force.

Hmmm... the needle on the Epi-pen's auto-syringe is bent, along with some of the plastic bits at that end. That's inconvenient, but not insurmountable.

"Faith. It's- okay. We all... die sometime." Miss Dormer manages to half say, half cough, before sliding out of consciousness.

I snort. "Yeah... Fuck that noise in the neck." Forcing the casing off, I pop open the syringe tube.

"What?" Faith looks over at me, annoyed expression turning hopeful as her eyes home in on the glowing green vial in my hands. "What's that?"

"Blood of Eternity. I'll need you to dump it into the wound as soon as I get the sword clear, okay?" I hand over the vial and broken emergency kit container.

Taking the sword carefully by the hilt, I pull it out as straight as I can to avoid making the wound wider. Faith practically shoves the vial into Miss Dormer's chest. Gravity and Faith's enthusiasm aren't quite as effective as a working syringe plunger but it gets the job sort of done.

I'm leaning in, watching the wound start to knit itself back together when Faith grabs my head and wrenches it around. Her lips suddenly pressed against mine.

...

I lick my lips as she pulls back a moment later.

I can still taste her on my tongue as she says, "thanks," and turns back to Miss Dormer, putting her into the back of the car.

"Any time, Sis-" my muttered reply cuts off as my brain turns back on. She's not my Sister. She looks, sounds, smells, and even tastes and feels like my Sister, but there's something distinctly... _off_ about her. Something I can't quite put my finger on, but that seems to be giving me a mild buzzing headache.

This world is starting to make me feel like Charlie Brown with that stupid football.

As if to reinforce my point even as it pulls it away from me just like Lucy does every time, I hear Balthazar roar nearby. I close the back door behind Faith who's still fussing over her wounded watcher and slide into the driver's seat.

"Time to go." I tell my new passengers as I turn the keys that were left in the ignition. Peeling out and swinging the car around I glance back. "I'm no expert, but what's left of her cut doesn't exactly look pleasant. I'm alos guessing that just regenerating the wounded internal parts means there's probably still blood in her lungs. So... I'm thinking Hospital?" I'll also be able to pick up some lemonade to refuel with in case of yet another emergency sideswiping me before I can rebuild my little herd of thralls or break away to go hunting.

"Yes." My Sister's imposter calls out behind me far louder than is necessary. "And... thanks for saving us, Angel."

"Seriously?" If I weren't driving I'd be staring at her in insulted disbelief. Confusing me for my fuckhead of a Grandsire and his Warden.

"Shit, yeah! I thought I was gonna be toast when that car almost hit me, and then wham! Lightning bolt to the face for mistah big and ugly." I look at her face in the mirror. How in the hell does that make her think I'm-

...

Ah, right. No reflection and I saved them... I get it now. Being room temperature while kissing her probably didn't help either. Apparently that all adds up to make me Angel? Okay, a fair point that.

"Well, as _flattering_ as it is to be told you think I could be a guy known entirely for his pretty face... No. I'm not my asshat of a grandsire. My name is Jack Winters.

"You're not Angel? But you're a vamp and you're bein all... helpful and shit."

"Angelus? Helpful? Pull the other one." Why am I even still doing this for an imposter again? An imposter that is currently gearing up for a fight behind me. "To be fair, I'm not actually from this reality or timeline or whatever though so don't feel bad about not knowing who I am. The biggest difference I've noticed so far between here and home is that I don't seem to have ever existed here." I shrug and smile.

"So... you the vamp that got cursed with a soul in your world?" Faith looks tense, and I suspect being the driver of a moving vehicle with her unconscious watcher is all that's keeping me stake free just now.

"Ummm... not exactly? I mean, I don't have my father riding shotgun with me in my head if that's what you mean. But, you know, I've never really be able to get a clear answer on why people call Angel that anyway. Don't all vamps have souls?"

"No." I roll my eyes at the flat denial, bordering hostility. Suddenly I'm being stared at not just like she would a vamp, but also a crazy person.

"I mean... It could be different here, but Mr. Giles, the watcher guy for Buffy back home, said that vampires were created when a human got infected with by an Old One's soul. So doesn't that mean that we all have some kind of demon soul instead of a human one? Hell, I've seen soulless people. They mostly just kind of sit there doing a decent vegetable impression. I'm clearly not that. _Something_ is keeping me in motion." Faith scowls thoughtfully and I know the game is on. Oh Miss Dormer, you picked a hell of a time to pass out on your young and impressionable ward. "Again, maybe it's different in this world, but... I mean, think about those revivification rituals that can bring really old vamps back to life from their bones. How could that work without a soul to transcend dusting?"

In the mirror behind me I see the imposter's face crinkle up her nose, just my Sister does when I've lost her. I grin a little when, just like my Sister would, she hones in on the part she understood. "Bones?"

"Yeah... Wait, does that not happen in this world? I mean when we kill a really old vamp like The Master or Kakistos and they leave a skeleton behind after they dust don't they?"

"You killed The Master in your world!?"

"No, Buffy killed Heinrich... I got Kakistos. Which I gather is yet another difference in this world. Buffy didn't make it?"

"Yeah... no... Umm, So... if you're not Angel, and are still all demon-soul-y. Why did you help me?" Her hostility tapering off to basic wariness as she asks her question.

Because I was confused and angry and reacted without thinking? I shrug noncommittally. "Instinct I guess." Those same instincts that are now at war with each other, giving me a headache.

There's a pause while "...Huh?" she asks after a moment.

"I heard what I thought was-" I stutter out for half a beat. Unwilling to give voice to the idea, to name this imposter as my Sister. "You sounded just like someone I know back in my world. I reacted like I would have if she were in trouble back home." I shrug again. "I didn't even really process that you weren't her until after Diana was stabbed." Of course now it's a struggle to focus on anything else. "At that point... helping you save her just seemed like... the right thing to do, you know?"

"Since when does a vamp care bout that shit?"

I snort. "Since about the time this girl named Faith Dormer née Lehane moved into my house."

"What!?"

"I did tell you I thought you sounded _just_ like her."

"You're lying." And the hostility that went away earlier found friends to bring along with it when it returned I see.

"Never. Not to you-" I slip up again. The pain in my head pulses. "Not to her." My headache remains. "Fucking fuck dimension travel sucks. But okay... You can assume I'm lying if you want to, but I have to ask; do you remember that time when you were Eight years old and..."

I start pouring out every little story I've ever wheedled out of my Sister. Every tale she told on the show. Every minute detail my lawyers dug up in a Summer's worth of research.

And while I talk, I drive us towards the hospital. As I do so, a curious pattern emerges.

I look in the mirror and see the stranger wearing my Sister's face and the conflicting urges to kill this imposter and to protect my family gives me a headache.

I focus on the road in front of me and the Faith in my stories. My Sister. _Family_. I start to feel better, even if not completely.

I need to change lanes, or a horn beeps, something, it varies. So I check my mirrors and I spot the girl in the back seat looking at me with my Sister's expressions of mounting confusion and wonder. My fangs itch, my head starts to ache ever so slightly more than it did before, and the cycle begins anew.

 **-Sunnydale Memorial Hospital - ER : T = +8.5 Hours-**

Double D, as Faith now insists I call her, gets wheeled away for surgery on a gurney while I fill out check in paperwork. My head still hurts. The Tylenol Nurse Dora gave me did nothing for me.

I'm still baffled by how many things Sunnydale natives will just ignore as a matter of course. I think a stabbing wound that enters on one side a woman, exits the other, and manages to have left the middle parts 'undamaged' while still filling her lung with blood takes the prize though.

Handing the forms off to Norse Dora, I glance back to Faith. She's staring at me with an odd expression. I sigh as my head throbs. "What?"

"You really know your way around the hospital."

"Oh. Well, I should hope so. I do work here after all. Or rather I work at the here that would be if I were back home. I have mentioned how vexing that distinction is right?"

"Only 8 times so far." She laughs. I roll my eyes and try to hide my mounting irritation.

The urge claw my Sister's face off of her wars with the urge to hug her. To defile, violate, and kill her at war with protecting and soothing her. Unwilling and unable to follow either impulse I take a deep breath. "I need to get out of here."

My Sister's doppelganger and I blink at each other after that last line came out in stereo.

I nod knowingly, but let her explain first because I'm a touch lost. "I don't do well in hospitals you know? All keyed up and nothing to punch."

"Ah. Yeah. I never got many visits while at work back home either." I file that away for later along with the story about the bees.

"Yeah, and after a fight like tonight I'm about ready to pop." She grins at me slyly.

...

I know that line. I smile as I butcher Xander's line. "You? Ready to Pop? _That_ never happens."

"Our flat ain't too far from here. You up for it?"

"With you to steer me around the curves? Always." The Tylenol didn't help. Maybe buggering My Sister-

...

Gods. Fucking. Damn. It. Brain. No! She is not my Sister!

Still... Why should I let that stop me? I follow her seductively swaying ass out of the hospital anyway.

 **-Appartment Building : T = +10 Hours-**

Collapsing as that brief moment of physical exhaustion once again follows euphoria, I lay there motionless for a moment while reality seeps back in.

Well then.

That... just happened.

This Lucy girl is such a fucking bitch. Not that my Sister would appreciate being referred to as a football. Or, I suppose, the implications of my strong desire to 'kick' her.

...

On the bright side my headache doesn't feel like it's continuing to spike painfully anymore.

Granted, the dull background roar that it settles into between those spikes is definitely worse than when I first took note of it.

I can't imagine that being a good sign. Inexplicable headaches after exposure to powerful reality warping magics rarely are.

...

I think maybe I'm allergic to this inter-dimensional timeline travel bullshit? Thinking on it, I do recall father thinking that Eris and Janus bringing him to Sunnydale was itchy.

Still...

Licking my lips, I'm not terribly clear on how I thought this was a good idea. At all.

I've been acting erratically of late. Impulsively. Drifting in and out of control.

Hmmm...

Headaches. Erratic, impulsive behavior. Difficulty remembering who people are, or are not, over the course of a conversation. Violent outbursts with little warning. Lapsing into instinctive responses rather than thinking things through.

These are all things I've seen listed on the charts of my patients in the pysch-ward.. What a horrifying thought.

Put in perspective though, if it weren't for the headache I'd have said it's behavior I've seen in common fledges. Now THAT is a truly mind numbing horror.

Ungh. I shudder reflexively at the idea, rolling off of AlterFaith's now room temp body.

Okay, so... the necrophilia is new. Granted that only happened after sucking down 6 pints or so of Slayer Blood sometime during round... whichever one she stopped being on top for.

Slayer blood. Nothing tastes quite like it. Easily the most delicious thing in all of the 'verse. William was right about that part at least.

Sort of like the opposite of Willow's blood too. No added mystical oomph, but it makes me feel... stronger?

Granted... the side effects leave a lot to be desired. I glance over at the former imposter laying facedown next to me. I seem to have made a mess of her while high on her blood.

Maybe that sense of strength is just my still coming back down?

Ah well. Nothing for it now. Spilt milk and all that.

Laying in her bed, basking in the afterglow, I note that looking at her no longer causes my headache to pound away at my sanity. So I have that going for me at least.

I should probably avoid people I know back home from now on. Seems to be causing some kind of dissonance issue.

Or I suppose I could do the rational thing; Work on getting home as fast as possible so that none of this matters anyway.

Which is exactly what I set out to do hours ago...

I add easily distracted to my list of symptoms.

Between what I learned from Willow and Faith though, I think maybe I ought to start out by arming for bear. I miss my pistol dearly right now.

I wonder if the Mayor still trusts the SPD with actual firearms in this world?

 **-Sunnydale Police Station : T = +10.5 Hours-**

There are some changes you just can't help but notice almost immediately upon walking into a room. They just kind of stand out.

Walking into the Sunnydale Police Station, I can't help but notice that my tattoos flair in a way that reminds me of walking into the Mayor's office.

There also seems to be a ungodly number of crosses and other holy symbols strewn about the place, including a number of obnoxiously large ones placed front and center on the some of the desks.

Looking down, there's even one etched into the doorknob in my hand.

Huh...

I guess even SPD noticed the supernatural gang war that's broken out over possession of their little 'town.' That's kind of embarrassing for us creatures of the night actually.

Then again, I see some new faces in here. Maybe the Mayor suddenly needed a militia more than a cover up machine? Would explain the wards on the doorway.

I bet if it weren't for both my ring and my tattoos that I'd have had trouble even physically getting to the front desk.

The obnoxiously large mirror they have placed nearby almost seems like overkill at this point.

Maybe the SPD armory isn't the easiest way to get a gun in this town?

No one seems to have noticed my entry.

I could just leave...

Except that the reason no one has noticed my entry seems to be the familiar looking girl causing a scene in the middle of the room.

Those changes you kind of just can't miss? I think Dawn having a weird glowing green... energy..? flickering in and out of being around her like someone tuned a music visualizer to use her body and the background hum of the universe as a base counts as one of those.

My mounting headaches and odd behaviors suddenly seem so much more sinister.

I blink as another realization sets in. That's interesting. AlterDawn isn't making my headache pulse like AlterFaith did.

"Gawd! You people really are all idiots! I already told you. It's my fucking house! I live there!" Dawn screams at a detective. She's handcuffed to a chair near his desk, as he nods patiently and types something while she yells at him.

Detective... something or other... tells AlterDawn in a rather exasperated sounding tone of voice. "And I already told you, there is no record of any Dawn Summers ever existing. The woman you claim is your mother moved away over a year ago when her only daughter, one Buffy Summers, drowned in a freak accident."

...

She's not AlterDawn..? That's my Dawn from back home?

Maybe she's the one who made the wish? Easiest answer for her presence. Doesn't explain no one knowing who she is though...

Oh, what the shit. Those fucking Monks must have layered in extra protections against... whatever happened. Makes sense I suppose.

Or maybe just being the key instead of being human has side effects when being affected by reality alteration?

Huh... I think this is my first piece of evidence that this is the same world made different, rather than some sort of external alternate reality dimension.

If I hadn't already discounted the idea of Willow telling me to 'go away' as the source of my troubles I would do so now. That wouldn't drag Dawn with me.

So, someone definitely folded time back on itself and Dawn and I got stranded in bizarro world... I may hate them more than the prisoner right now.

...

And when did she become _my_ Dawn anyway?

Oh who even cares?

I walk through the little gate separating off the detectives area. "Excuse me, hi... You seem to have something of mine handcuffed to your chair."


	65. Interlude 13A – Dimensional Harmonics

**Interlude 13A – Trans-dimensional Harmonics:**

***POV Harmony***

 **-Sunnydale High – Hallways : Friday Morning Before School-**

Cordelia looks at me sadly. "Everything is just a mess right now. I just-" She sighs. "I think we're going to try to work through it."

She thinks they're going to try and work through it? I think I might puke. Fortunately, Anya is able to force herself to stay on point even while I fight to control my stomach. "But don't you wish you could make it so it never happened? I mean, think about it, if that Buffy girl never came here with all her weirdness then you wouldn't be in this situation."

Okay, what the hell? Never mind, no, that is not on point at all. I don't know if have words for how wrong that is. "No, no, no, no. This isn't about Buffy. This all Xander's fault. He. Cheated. _On you, Cordelia._ That is _not_ okay, you can't tell me you're fine with that."

"No. Of course not. But... he agreed to cut ties with her, and... I don't know. I can only handle so many things at once you know? It's just. I can't get the image of the two of them together out of my head." She's moping. Cordelia Chase does not mope.

"But if it never happened? Don't you wish you could make it so none of this happened?"

Again, I stare at Anya. Where is her head at today? "Oh! Yeah, _sure_ , I wi-" I pause as I cough a bit. Anya looks at me with an odd expression. Wishing is bad... Jack said so. But...

 _Conflict:  
**Rule: Protect [Family]**_  
** _Rule: No Wishing**  
OVERRIDING PRIORITY:  
**Rule: Protect [Family]**_

"I wish Xander never liked Willow, that's it." I pause a brief moment to let just how ridiculous that is sink in. "Are you fucking kidding me, you two!? Cordelia, that bastard cheated on you. With fucking _Willow_ , of all people. You know what I wish? I wish you two had never gone fucking crazy and started dating in the first place. Seriously! Insanity is the only way can explain you dating someone **SO** beneath you." Xander and Willow belong together at the bottom of the social ladder. But I am _not_ letting them drag Cordelia down with them. I lower my voice. "I mean I know you're having money problems, but _come on! Really? Xander Harris!?_ What were you thinking? _"_

Cordelia looks at me with a shocked expression. She opens her mouth but doesn't say anything. Anya, who's been nodding along next to me, voices her agreement. "She's right you know..." I turn and smile at her but her face turns all demon-y before I can thank her for the backup. What? Why does this feel familiar? "That..." Her eyes look back and forth a few times, clearly thinking something out. "...sounds like so much fun. DONE!"

The world around Anya and me ripples. "What just happened?"

"You made a wish." Anya rubs her temples, but smiles at me. "I granted it. Ta-" She groans. Looking slightly pained. "-dah! A world where one Xander Harris never liked one Willow Rosenberg."

"What!? Come on! That's not what I wanted, I wanted her-" Cordelia's gone. "Where'd she go?"

Anya shrugs at me. "She's not here. Why would she be moping," she grimaces, "about Xander cheating on her if they never dated in this world. Think of it as a twofer. Never liking Willow changed things enough that Xander and Cordelia never got together. You're welcome, by the way."

"Oh... Okay! Thank you!"

"No problem." She groans again, holding her head. "I usually like the wish... to come from the actual scorned... woman but your... friend was just being such... a doormat." She sounds exhausted.

"Are you okay?"

"I'll be fine. I must have gotten some sort of chaos demon caught up in the changeover is all. Takes a bit of doing to make things stabilize when that happens is all, and that can take a lot out of a girl. Still, I do believe my bet with Hallie is in the bag."

"Bet with who?"

I don't get an answer. Anya just vanishes with a smile and a wave.

Weird.

The bell rings. Oh! I've got to get to the gym for class.

I can't believe saving Cordelia from any more social suicide was so easy. I wonder why Jack hates wishes so much?

...

I hope he won't be mad.

Oh, of course he won't. He's the one that taught me Family comes first.

 **-Sunnydale High – Classroom : First Period-**

Willow isn't in class. She never misses class. Not even gym class.

"Where's Willow?" I really wanted to mock her.

Aphrodesia turns "Willow? You mean that psycho that vanished in Sophmore year?" She looks at me funny. "I thought you told us to never speak of her ever again."

...

Cool! I grin at her. "Just checking."

The bell rings.

A world without Willow? Not even having to play freaking dodge ball can dampen my spirits.

...

Shouldn't it have been Queen C that issued the edict?

Whatever. I'll ask her about it next period.

 **-Sunnydale High – Classroom : Second Period-**

I take my seat in Miss Tenghast's English class and wait patiently...

Okay. Not so patiently. Cordelia is in this class with me. I can't wait to see her happy again.

...

And I wait some more...

Where is she? Cordelia should be here by now, class is almost starting...

Aura comes in and sits down in what should be Cordelia's seat.

Aura doesn't do that. She knows better than that. She sits one row behind us. Always. That's how this works.

"Where's Cordelia?"

...

Aura gives me a funny look. "Are you on something today, Harmony?"

"What?"

"Cordelia's been dead for like almost a year. That crazy Rosenberg bitch killed her in The Bronze before she disappeared." Aura tells me just before the bell rings to start class.

Oh no!

I don't like this wish world anymore.

This is horrible.

I have to fix this. How do I fix this?

 _**Rule: In case of an emergency not listed here in the binder: Contact Jack or Amy. or Faith.**_

Jack and Amy will know. Or maybe Faith?

I see Jack next period. I'll ask him then.

 **-Sunnydale High – Classroom : Third Period-**

I take my seat in Mr. Green's History class and wait... I don't even pretend for patiently.

Some girl I've never seen before sits in Jack's seat.

The bell rings.

Jack and Amy aren't on the list when Mr. Green takes attendance.

"Did Jack drop this class?"

"Who?"

"Jack?" Nothing. She just stares at me like a loser. "Jack Winters?" Still nothing.

"...Never heard of him." How could she have never-

Oh no.

No. No. No.

How do I fix this?

 _**Rule: In case of an emergency not listed here in the binder: Contact Jack or Amy. or Faith.**_

Calling Jack never works. I'll call Amy after class.

 **-Sunnydale High – Classroom : After Third Period-**

I call Amy's cell phone. "I'm sorry; the number you have reached is not in service, or has been temporarily disconnected. The number you have reached is not in service at this time. This is a recording."

Damn it!

...

I call Faith's cell phone. It rings! Yes!

"Hello?"

...

It's some old lady's voice. I try anyway. "Is Faith Dormer there?"

"I'm sorry dear, you must have the wrong number. There's no one named Faith here."

Damn it!

I know he never answers but I try to call Jack's cell phone anyway to leave a message. "I'm sorry; the number you have reached is not in service, or has been-"

I hang up.

The bell rings to go to fourth period.

I lean against the lockers. I think I'm going to- No. I'm already crying.

I hate this world. I want to go home. I want my friends back.

Think Harmony think.

What would Jack and Amy do?

Wait! If there's no Jack here... Did he never move to Sunnydale?

The maybe Amy is... I call Amy's Dad. "Hello?" asks an older woman's voice.

Older than her dad's girlfriend. _Not again..._ "Hi? Is Amy there?"

"Is that supposed to be funny?"

"What?"

"My daughter died, you bitch, stop calling me."

"WHAT!? No! Amy can't be dead I need-"

The woman hangs up... wait... was that her mother? Didn't she go crazy or something years ago and try to kill Amy? Not important right now.

Think, Harmony, think.

What would Jack and Amy do?

 _**Rule: In case of an emergency, disaster plans can be found in this binder.**_

... I remember Jack holding up a big book thing and saying it was importa-

The binder! He told me to remember about the binder with plans in case of disaster. He even read the whole thing to me, just in case.

I just have to look up-

Damn it. It's at the house that Jack doesn't exist to own anymore.

My family is gone. I'm all alone-

 _**Rule: You're never alone, Harmony. You can do [Action]. Just remember what I told you.**_

Think, Harmony, think! You can remember this. He told you to remember this, to think back and picture that day. Okay...

I was sitting on his lap at the breakfast table while he talked to me. I remember Jack's eyes staring into my eyes. I try to remember what he-

 _'_ _Rule: Protect [Family].' /This is the most important thing Harmony. It comes first. Always.  
'Rule: Jack is [Family].'  
'Rule: Amy is [Family]'_  
' _Rule: We do not talk about [Family Stuff] with Not-[Family].'  
'Rule: Anything that happens at [Home] is [Family Stuff]'  
'Rule: Amy is in charge when I'm not around.'  
'Rule: Faith is [Family]'  
'Rule: Faith is in charge if both Amy and I are not around.'_  
' _Rule: Your new [Diet Plan] is [Family Stuff]'  
'Rule:-_

"Can we fast forward please?"

' _Rule: Amy is not allowed near the stove until her third cup of coffee.'_

That was added later! It worked! I can do this. Ummmm...

 _'_ _Rule:-_

"Disaster Plans!"

 _'_ _Rule: In case of an emergency, disaster plans can be found in this binder.'_

"I can't get to the damned binder, Jack."

 _'_ _In case-_

"Who's Jack? Are you okay? Did you need a case or binder?" Nancy asks me as she walks by.

"Kind of busy here." I glare at her.

Where was I? oh right.

 _'_ _In case of an emergency not listed here:'_

"YES!"

 _'_ _Report to Jack or Amy. or Faith.'_

"Damn it! I tried that. All three of you."

"O...kay... I'm going to go get Nurse Greenliegh." Nancy finally leaves me alone.

' _If unable to contact [Family], go to: Joyce, for parental advice issues.'_

"No."

 _'_ _My lawyer, Alan, for legal issues.'_

"No."

 _'_ _Giles for magical or-'_

"AHA! Wishes are like totally magic. Giles it is!"

I race down the hall and into the library.

 **...**

"Um. Who the hell are you? Where's Mr. Giles?"

The strange man in a poorly tailored and tasteless suit, that does _not_ suit his complexion by the way, sitting at Giles desk sighs. "They did tell me you kids were allergic to the library, but I didn't think so many of you could fail to notice your former librarian quit over a year ago now. My name is Mr. Bixby, can I help you find something?"

"He what!?"

He shrugs at me. "Quit. Or resigned, maybe? Apparently he blamed himself for the death of a student. Summer something?"

I haven't seen Buffy today either. Damn it! I hate this world. "Did he leave... like... a phone number or something I can reach him at? It's super important!"

"You'd have to ask the secretary in the main office.-"

"Thank you. Bye!"

I leave the Library and head down to the office.

Principal Snyder walks out in his stupid brown suit. Oh my god, so fucking tacky. He stands there. In my way. "What're you doing out of class young lady?"

"I need to talk to the school secretary."

"Go to class youn-"

 _**Rule: Snyder can be bribed with ways to torment Buffy.**  
**Rule: Snyder can be threatened with Mayor Wilkins.**  
**Rule: Snyder can be threatened with legal action.**_

I grab his stupid tie and pull him nose to nose before yelling at the top of my lungs. "I. Need. To. Talk. To. The. School. Secretary. Get out of my way or I will have my father's lawyer call The Mayor to complain."

Snyder turns pasty white. Gross. It makes his suit look even worse on him. He gets out of my way though. Yay.

The secretary smiles at me as I walk in. Oh! I like the color of her dress. "Hi, Miss Smith! Mr. Bixby said you might have a number I can reach Mr. Giles at?"

"I'm not supposed-" She glances over my shoulder and smiles again? Huh? "...oh why not." She pulls open a filing cabinet and rifles though it while glancing over and smiling at me occasionally. Weird...

She takes out a file and writes a phone number down on a post-it. "Here you go, dear."

"Thank you. I love your dress by the way. Where did you get it?"

 **-Sunnydale High – Hallways : 10 Minutes Later -**

I dial the number Miss Smith gave me.

Come on, come on, come on... They picked up! Yes! "Hello?" Slurs a male voice.

...

"Hi? Is this Mr. Giles?"

"Yes, speaking..?."

"...are you drunk?"

"No. Drunk... was quite a fair while ago you see. What month is it?"

"Ummm... November. But see, I made this wish and the whole world went wrong, Mr. Giles. I'm supposed to ask you for help if anything magically bad happens."

Mr. Giles laughs at me. "I haven't been involved in that sort of thing since... since..."

Oh no. He sounds like he's going to cry. Oh!

"Since Buffy! She was alive before I wished! We can fix that too!"

"Excuse... me?"

"I was talking to my Cordelia and then this girl Anya said 'done!' and suddenly everything was different."

"And you're telling me Buffy was- Ahh!" There's a loud series of thumps.

"...Mr. Giles? Hello? Mr. Giles? I think you dropped the phone..?"

A loud groan is the only response I get.

...

I can hear snoring.

I hang up as the lunch bell rings. I'll call him back when he's sober. I nod to myself. Yes.

 **-Sunnydale High – Cafeteria : Lunchtime -**

Walking into the cafeteria for lunch I see a few people I don't remember, or remember dying in 'accidents.'

Mostly I see empty seats where my family used to sit.

I need to fix this. I broke it and need to fix it.

' _Find_ _Xander, for repair work.'_

... repair is like fix right? Xander is sitting right over there.

Of course of all the people I know, it's _Xander_ that's still here. Ungh.

He's sitting with... well, okay, slightly less loser-y people than I remember, but still... the Swim Team? Didn't they all turn into fishy freaks?

I don't want to-

 _**Rule: Protect [Family].**_

I take a deep breath. I can do this. This is important. I can sit down at a table with Xander to get my family back. Social suicide or not.

I sit down across from Xander.

Everyone's staring at me, I can feel them judging me for sitting here. Even the socially inept Xander looks confused. "... Uhhh... Hi." The sound of his voice makes me want to mace him in the face for cheating on Cordelia.

I can do this. I close my eyes and do what Jack does when he talks to Xander. I pretend he's that batman guy on TV.

"Hi, Bats. I need your help."

"...Bats? wha- wait. You sound like that guy from this morning."

I pop my eyes open and stare at Xander. "Who? What guy from this morning. He called you Bats? Was it Jack? Please tell me you saw Jack. I need to talk to him."

Xander blinks stupidly at me instead of answering my important questions. He turns to the kid next to him, Thomas something or other. "He... never actually said his name, did he?"

"He called himself Khan. But first he said you were Kirk so I think he might just be crazy."

"Was he a-" I cough.

 _Conflict:  
**Rule: Protect [Family]**_  
** _Rule: We do not talk about [Family Stuff] with Not-[Family]**  
**Rule: Vampires are [Family Stuff]**  
OVERRIDING PRIORITY:  
**Rule: Protect [Family]**_

"-Vampire about yea high? Dark hair? Muscles? Tattoos?"

Everyone at the table stops to stare at me. "Vampire..? You know about vampires?"

"Duh. I practically live with Jack and Fai- ...Or I did, but then there was this stupid wish and now I'm here instead of home, and everyone is different or dead. I hate it."

"You... You think you're from another world too?" He makes a face at Thomas like he thinks I'm crazy.

"No. I'm just sitting here with _you_ for no reason."

"Hey now! That's rich, coming from the biggest bitch in the school."

"Fuck you! You cheated on Cordelia!"

...

"...Cordelia Chase? You think I would date some vamp?"

"Yeah... Wait, what!? Cordelia's a vampire? Aura said Willow killed her."

"No. The thing wearing Willow around like a suit did. Now there's a new demon out there wearing Cordelia like a suit too."

I get a strange sense of deja vu again as an image of Willow done up in a super skanky outfit flits through my brain. Weird. It's actually an improvement on her usual 'style.'

Thomas groans. "Look. As fascinating as watching you make faces at us is, we're kind of busy eating here. I don't know why... I don't want to know why you would _want_ to find a vampire, but the guy from this morning can't have been one. He swam in the pool."

"...huh? Jack can swim. I think. I've never actually seen him do it, but-"

Xander cuts me off. Rude. "The pool is full of holy water. Kind of an unmixy thing with vamps."

I giggle. "Pfft. Jack does stuff like that all the time. If Buffy staking him twice now didn't kill him, I doubt your pool of water would."

Everyone starts exchanging glances. "Try that one again. You're looking for a vampire that doesn't dust when staked?"

"Yup." I nod happily. The Losers finally got it.

"And he's a guy about yea tall..."

 **-Sunnydale High – Girl's Bathroom : After School-**

I flush the toilet. I'm down to just dry heaves, and there's nothing in it but toilet water, but flushing it helps me get control of my stomach again.

I should not have asked what Thomas meant about Willow and Cordelia being ' _in love.'_ So gross... I thought Cordelia being dead was bad. Being with _Willow?_ Like _that?_

My stomach tries to empty itself again.

I flush again when I'm done heaving.

I just have to not think about it.

Don't think about it. Just... fix it.

How do I fix this?

I call Giles. It rings, but no answer. He must still be concussed. That happens to him a lot I hear.

I have a new voicemail from my mom? Weird. I don't think I ever gave her this number.

"Hi Honey, I just wanted to make sure you remembered to flirt with The Miller's son. The Millers have done very well for themselves in real estate and-"

I hang up and delete the message.

I haven't gotten a 'find a rich husband' speech in a while.

Amy pitched a fit when she found out about those. I miss Amy. I need to fix this.

A loud blaring noise. The fire alarm- no! That's not the fire alarm. That's my emergency kit!

Someone's in trouble... one of us. My phone doesn't get a text message saying who though.

Not important. I race out of the bathroom and follow the signal.

...

Why is it dark outside? I check my watch. It's only 3:30.

I definitely don't like this world anymore. This world sucks!

 **-Sunnydale – Downtown : Some Tracking Later-**

The blinking light on my tracker leads me in a... U-turn? What?

Damn it. They must be moving?

I try to keep following it but it leads me down a dead end. I'll have to go back around and try the next street or alley or whatever.

There's a guy at the end of the alleyway when I turn around.

"What have we here? Don't you just look delicious." Really? Creeper much?

I reach into my purse and grab the mace that Amy and I cooked up. "Back off, creepazoid."

His face shifts and fangs pop out. "I think I'd rather have a snack."

"Sorry. I'm a one vamp only kind of girl."

He gets as far as, "Huh? What-" before I mace him in the face.

I step around him while he rolls around on the ground, and-

Xander freaking Harris knocks me over as he runs into the alleyway with a couple of the other losers from the swim team.

"What the hell!? Spaz much!? I mean, really, were you put on this earth _just_ to annoy me?"

"Get over yourself. There was a vamp and... uh... what did you do to it?"

I climb back to my feet. This outfit is so ruined. "I sprayed him with my mace?"

"That shouldn't... Ummm... why is his face melting off?"

"Huh? Is it not supposed to? We used holy water and that stuff Jack- Oh, who cares, he'll be fine in a few days. I think?"

"You think?"

Oh, for the love of shoes. Rude. "For the last time, Harris, yes, I can think. No, it doesn't hurt. And fuck you too!"

I spin around and make my way out of the alley. "That's not- I didn't mean..." whatever his Loserness said gets lost as I follow my tracker down the street..

 **-Sunnydale Memorial Hospital : Much tracking, and Some Angry Use of Mace Later-**

The beacon leads me to the hospital.

That is probably a bad thing. They look _really_ busy. I can't get the front desk lady's attention to ask if she's seen my family.

She finally hangs up the phone only to have to answer it again immediately. Ungh. I'll just find them myself.

No one even stops me as I follow the signal through the halls into a patient room.

We got stopped by security twice the last time we tried to visit Jack at work... Or maybe that's just for the crazy people floor?

A woman is holding one of our emergency kits with a puzzled expression. What the hell?

I put my hand on my mace. "Who are you? Why do you have my friend's emergency kit?"

"Ah. Is that what this is? I did wonder about that. The nurses claim it was among my personal effects when I was checked in but I couldn't recall ever owning anything like it." She smiles at me. "Oh. Do forgive me, it would seem that the painkillers have adversely affected my manners. I'm Diana Dormer."

"Like Faith's dead Watcher?"

"You know my... what do you mean dead?"

Oops. What do I-

 _Conflict:  
**Rule: Protect [Family]**_  
** _Rule: We do not talk about [Family Stuff] with Not-[Family]**  
**Rule: Anything that happens at [Home] is [Family Stuff]**  
OVERRIDING PRIORITY:  
**Rule: Protect [Family]**_

 _..._

 _**See Giles for magical or academic issues.**  
**Giles is a [Watcher]**_

She's a Watcher... That means she's like... a girl Giles right? Maybe she can help? "Okay. So... I made this stupid wish..."

 **-Sunnydale Memorial Hospital – Room 42 : One Rambling Recounting Later-**

"And you all live together?" She asks. I've told her twice already. I don't know if it's her meds or if she just doesn't care about my story.

"Yes. Well, I live at home, but I stay over with Amy a lot."

Diana smiles at me and then pushes the call button for the fourth time. Again, no one shows up. "Damn."

"What's wrong?"

"I need to contact the council and inform them that our plan to isolate Balthazar from his minions failed. It appears we underestimated the full extent of his recovery now that Heinrich returned-" She stops, frowning, then mutters about painkillers.

"Do you want to use my phone?" I hold it up to make sure she knows I mean my cell phone. Old people are funny about that sort of thing sometimes.

"...Yes. Thank you. I'm sorry, what did you say your name was?"

"Harmony Kendall." She takes my phone and starts dialing. I wonder how hard it is for my phone to talk to England?

She says something about being 'pro beer sonets' and then... oh. I know that buzzing noise, Amy uses that spell when she doesn't want anyone to hear her having fun in the shower.

I take my miniature unicorn out of my purse and play with it while she makes her phone call.

I must lose track of time because don't I notice she's finished her call until my cell phone bounces off my right boob. Hard. Ow! I look up.

She looks like she's been crying. "Tell me everything about this wish you made. I need to know every detail if we're going to undo it."

"Okay. So, Cordelia's loser boyfriend cheated on her..."

 **-Sunnydale Memorial Hospital – Room 42 : One Even Longer Rambling Recounting Later-**

Anya appears in the room as Diana finishes her spell.

I grab and smash the amulet right away, just like she told me to.

The world flickers. I'm in the high school again? I'm in the high school again!

"She's right you know..." I hear Anya's voice to my side. I spin to face her. "Oh. Shit."

She tries to back away. "No you don't!" I grab her and pull her into a headlock just like Faith taught me. I look back at Cordelia. "Now you listen here. You are Cordelia Chase. You don't take that kind of shit from anyone, let alone some social reject like Xander Harris. You. Are. Better. Than. That!"

"What the hell?" I hear Cordelia mutter as I start to drag Anya away by the hair. "What are you doing!?"

"Finding the rest of our family! Come on."


	66. Interlude 13B – Amy Vs Interruptions

**Interlude 13B – Amy Vs Interruptions:**

***POV Amy***

 **-Sunnydale High Parking Lot : Friday Morning Before School-**

Willow turns around and her shoulders slump. "Jerk... we don't feel like dealing with you right now. Can you just... go away?"

Jack twitches, fire erupting from under his shirt. Then he vanishes. Not burns up. Vanishes, with a soft clap of air rushing in to fill the void he left behind.

What the fuck just happened? Willow doesn't seem like she knows either.

...

Did Willow seriously just banish my vampire by fucking _accident!?_

While I'm still processing what happened Faith starts yelling and darts forward. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM!?" She grabs Willow by the shoulder and cocks back her fist.

"Faith!" Buffy tries to grab Faith, but they both move just as obnoxiously fast when they're keyed up. "Calm down. She didn't-" Faith's fist connects with Willow's face. I can hear the sickening crack of bone. No way was that sound just her nose breaking. "No!" An instant later Buffy has her on the ground and they start rolling around fighting like angry toddlers. Their yelling even blends together into angry gibberish. I think I make out 'Brother,' 'Willow,' and 'no' a few times each though.

I glance down at Willow's broken face. Damn. As tempting as it is to leave Willow to her fate, I might need her to get my vampire back. Besides, if she set my vampire on fire or banished him I want her to be awake and alert when I share my feelings on the matter anyway.

Pulling out my emergency kit, I shoot a dose of green goop into what used to be her nose.

Okay... That... is more than a little gross. I stop watching Willow's face try to unflatten itself and focus on Faith and Buffy wrestling around on the ground instead while my stomach settles.

Damn it. Buffy looks like she's winning. Stupid two extra years of being a Slayer. Come on Faith you can- What am I doing?

I start chanting the invocation for my clothes animating spell. Urgh, longer chants are such a pain in the ass.

Buffy almost manages to pin Faith twice before I'm able to make her own clothes attack her. As Buffy's shoelaces wrap themselves around her legs and ruin her mobility, Faith rolls her into a headlock.

YES! We win! Errr... no... they just both randomly stopped fight and are staring behind me...

Now what? I turn around with a sigh.

...

What the hell? "Harmony? Why are you dragging a girl along by the hair." Is that... Anya?

Harmony opens her mouth to answer me but Cordelia walking along behind them beats her to it. "She just freaked out all of a sudden and then started attacking Anya while rambling about family. She's-"

"Hey!" Harmony's outraged cry cuts her off. Willow starts coming to at my feet. I start my chanting anew to bind her in place. "I did not freak out! I made a stupid wish, then Anya went all demon girl and said 'done,' and... and suddenly- Suddenly everything was horrible! Jack was gone-"

"WHAT!?" Faith shouts. I almost abandon my spell to join her but I force myself to focus.

"-you guys were all dead-"

 **"** **WHAT!?"** I think that was all of us except the very groggy Willow who's being attacked by her sweater since I thankfully managed to just barely finish my spell before Harmony dropped that bombshell on us.

"-Cordelia was Willow's vampire love slave-"

 **"** **WHAT!?"** Willow spasms at my feet as she tries and fails to join Cordelia on that shout, the collar of her sweater stuffing itself into her mouth.

"And-" This is getting us nowhere.

"Harmony! Back up! You said you made a wish and then Jack was gone?" Goddess, is this why Jack was so insistent on adding no wishing to the house rules?

"Yeah. You were all either dead or gone. It was horrible, the only person left was _Xander-_ "

"Stop! What happened? Tell me exactly, from the beginning. Start with what you wished for?"

"Okay... so I wished that Xander never liked Willow because-"

Willow interrupts her. "Oh my god! Why would you-" She cuts back out as her sweater bunches even more of itself into her mouth.

 **"** **Because he cheated on me!"** Cordelia yells over all of us. Lord and Lady, she's loud.

"ENOUGH!" Goddess, even at full volume I can't match Cordelia. I try for my best 'Jack is annoyed by the idiotic villagers' smile when everyone turns to stare at me. "You wished. She said done. The world changed so-" I'm clearly not dead. I try to remain calm. "So we were all dead?"

"Yeah. It was horrible! I was all by myself and I couldn't find any of you to help me fix it. But then Jack's beacon went off even though no one had ever heard of him. So I followed it but I didn't find Jack, I found Faith's old watcher Diana Dor-"

"Double-D was there?" Faith torn between shocked disbelief, hope, and sadness. I glance back to see Buffy take advantage of her distraction to escape the headlock. I start working up the force of will to shove her telekinetically, but after glancing at Willow and seeing she's fine, Buffy just puts a hand on Faith's shoulder and squeezes it comfortingly while Harmony continues.

"Yeah. She was very nice, even if the hospital gown and blood loss didn't-"

"Hospital gown!?" Faith interrupts again. Damn it people. Let her fucking talk!

"Yeah apparently she got stabbed or something? She was all pale and stuff." I glare at Faith before she can interrupt again. "But even still, she was able to help me fix everything just like a girl Giles should!" Harmony nods happily and then starts checking her pockets. "Oh! She gave me a note to give you... oh no! It's gone." Harmony pouts for a brief moment, but continues right before I start to prompt her. "She said that would probably happen when everything fixed itself, but I really wanted you to have it. It's okay though. I made sure to memorize the whole thing just in-"

"BUFFY! You're alive!" I turn back around in time to see a Dawn shaped missile slam into Buffy, hard enough to almost knock her over, and then latch on. "Oh my god." ThankYouThankYouThankYou..." She buries her head against the crook of Buffy's neck and continues talking at warp speed. Damn it. I'm never going to sort out what happened with all these interruptions. I catch a few words here and there. Dead. Jail. Jack. Killed. Err-

"Whoa. Whoa. WHOA! Hold up! Dawn! What was that last part!?" Even Buffy looks as confused as I do as she stares at... is that soot all over Dawn? I hold up my hand as Dawn draws in a clearly needed breath and looks like she's about to spew out words again. "Maybe you should start over? Maybe slower this time?" I need all the details if I'm going to get my vampire back.

"Okay. I was at school and then suddenly everything flickered green and then Janice and Missy had no idea who I was. Mrs. Pope sent me to Principal Greenblatt because she didn't know who I was either and said I was interrupting her class trying to get Angela to give me back my assigned seat. Mom didn't answer the phone so I was told to go home and then..." She trails off sniffling. "Everything was different! There were all these pictures of other people on the walls and then cops came and arrested me for breaking in even though I had my key and so I didn't break ANYTHING. They were so mean about it. They put me in jail and kept telling me I didn't exist. They said Buffy died! And- And... mom moved away and no one would answer their phones when I tried to call them-"

Harmony interrupts her excitedly. "Oh my god! Did you get some old lady when you called Faith too?" She bounds over to Dawn.

"Yeah! How did you know? Wait 'too'? did you-"

"YES! That happened to me too! I was _so_ upset!"

"Yeah! And like everything sucked there! It sucked more than Lilian Mc-"

Buffy's shocked sounding, "DAWN!" cuts her off but Harmony responds anyway.

"Oh my god, yes! Everything totally sucked! When I called Amy or Jack I got this number is not in service message and then Amy's mom answered her dad's phone and said Amy was dead and yelled at me like I was some sort of crank call!"

"My mom what!?" Of course they ignore it when _I_ ask a question.

"Oh my gawd! She was so mean about it too! I just wanted to talk to Amy! How was I supposed to know she died in Suck-Land." Must we keep talking about me being dead? The whole reason I got... let's go with involved... with Jack was to avoid being murdered in this psychotic hell town, by my mother no less. I'm just not going to think about that any more.

"Oh. Goddess!" This is like herding fucking cats. "Harmony, Dawn, I love you both, but I can feel the migraine coming on. So, can we please get back to the story?" Even _Buffy_ looks like she agrees with me which is ra- "HEY! None of that! You stay right where you are!" Anya stops trying to back away slowly as soon as I point at her and everyone turns to stare at her. "Somebody... grab her, please?" I rub my temples. This is going to be a long day.

Faith just points at Anya and then the ground in front of her. When Anya doesn't immediately hop to it, she cracks her knuckles menacingly and points again. Apparently her sister having been dragged along for whatever ride she sent Harmony on has Buffy looking at her with an eye twitch as well. I allow myself a small amount of pleasure at watching Anya practically wilt under the combined stares.

Once Anya is seated on the ground by Faith, I turn to Dawn and motion for her to continue.

"Right. So the cops were all being such assholes-"

"Dawn!"

"Really, B? She's had a bad day. Just let her talk."

"The cops were all being butt-munchers. Is that better, _mom_?" She sticks her tongue out at Buffy who throws her arms up in the air but then just groans resignedly. "They kept trying to make me confess to stealing a key and breaking into our own house to steal stuff for, like, hours and hours." I try to motion for her to hurry up but she ignores me. I resist the urge to use fire as a motivational tool, and just smile at the thought instead. Oddly enough, my expression seems to do the trick. "Right! So Jack showed up."

"You found Jack!? All I got was his distress beacon."

"Jack found me... but... he wasn't Jack. Not really... I mean he at least knew who I was, but he was laughing like a lunatic and-"

Faith laughs, and I can't help but join her for a moment. "That's just J, I swear he must practice it or some shit-"

"No! He was like an actual crazy person. He was making, like, zero sense, asking me about wishes-" I wave off Harmony before she can interrupt. "-and then he killed the detective just for yell-"

"WHAT!?" Everyone yells. Fuck, even I interrupted this time. Jack killed someone in front of Dawn? Damn it, that's going to take forever to explain away.

Dawn glares at all of us. "I told you he went crazy! They started shooting him and he just laughed while he killed everyone in the station! When he was done he dragged me out from under the desk I was hiding under and..." She trails off, taking deep breaths and clearly psyches herself up for a moment before resuming her story in a rush as though she'd break down if she stopped. "He looked at me like Angel did." Buffy and I suddenly find ourselves competing for 'most surprised and horrified' expression. "Only then he started chanting 'My Dawn' over and over again while backing away from me. He gave me a cross and a flare gun and told me to hide in a house with a threshold while he 'fixed' himself so he could get us home. But there was this pack of vampires like right outside the station. They said they worked for someone called The Master-"...and... Buffy suddenly wins the surprised and horrified expression contest by a wide margin. That can't be a good sign, why does that name sound familiar? "-and that Jack shouldn't have hogged all the cops to himself. So they said they wanted to eat me but Jack told them I was his and he then he bit me-"

"He what!?" I wrap Buffy in my privacy spell as quickly as I can so the rest of her interruption becomes static. Jack being erratic and saying he needs to fix himself? Pack of Vampires working for someone they call The Master? That doesn't sound good. Biting Dawn seems even worse somehow. Goddess, is that why he didn't come back?

"-on the arm." Ah... like he does with Harmony then? "He still had to shoot a few of them in the face when they asked him to share me around..." She shudders. I shudder as well, and we don't look to be alone. Being passed around like- Nope! Not going there! "But he did get them to drop that idea... Umm... After that he got kind of growly again-" Wait, again? "-when told me to head along home now, but I could hear him thinking in my head to run and hide in a house as soon as he got the other vampires to follow him away from me. So I did, but a few of the ones he shot found me later and were trying to burn down the house when everything went green again and I was back at school like it never happened. Only it did because I still have the bite mark on my arm." Finally done telling her story, Dawn slumps down and starts crying, Faith and Buffy hugging her between them.

...Buffy is glaring at me..? Oh! I cancel the privacy spell and mouth 'sorry' at her. I also drop the clothing animation spell a second later when I realize why she's still glaring at me.

...

"Wait... If Harmony and Dawn both reset back to where they started... then... where did Jack go?" I ask.

"What do you mean?" Harmony asks me.

"Jack disappeared in a flash of fire a moment before you came out here with... her." I turn to Anya who has wisely chosen to remain rooted to her spot even though Faith is occupied.

"It wasn't me! It can't have been! The magic doesn't work like that! He should have been right where he started. Plus, I didn't do anything that involves fire at all." Damn, she even sounds honestly confused.

I look down at Willow who's trying to shake her head no and then whimpers through her sweater gag. Oh come on, it's not- Oh... She probably has a concussion. Those suck...

I'll hold off deciding if she deserves the concussion or if I feel bad for her until I find out if she's the one that made Jack disappear. "Well one of you has to have done it."

...

They both continue protesting their innocence. Of course they do.

Well okay then, interrogation time it is! Hmmm... this is hardly the place for it... "Now, seeing as we're already missing first period..." Kind of weird that Snyder hasn't come out to yell at us yet. Maybe he's busy? I snort. Or maybe he saw Buffy losing a fight and opted to hold off, who knows. "I guess we're all playing hooky today. Everyone either get in the truck, or Harmony's car." Following my own instructions I head back over towards the driver's side door.

"Excuse me, but who the hell made you the Queen?" Cordelia demands. I glance back. Buffy looks like she might want to protest too for a second, but Dawn tugs on her sleeve and they stares at other for a moment. I can't see her expression, but it gets Buffy to relent quick enough.

"Oh! Amy is in charge when Jack's not around." Harmony supplies while nodding happily as she grabs Anya to keep her from bolting until Faith can scoop her up. "She's going to fix this for us." Gee Harmony, no pressure or anything. "We just need to help!" No offense Harmony, but I'm not sure I'd expect you and Cordelia to be able to help someone out of a wet paper bag. Then again, she did apparently find her way home all by herself. Granted, that was after accidentally wishing herself to what or wherever Suck-Land is. "Come on, you can ride with me in my car." Harmony walks off towards her car with a confused Cordelia and amused looking Faith, as Anya tries fruitlessly to squirm out of her grip, in tow.

...

Damn it. That leaves me alone with Buffy in the truck. Well, okay, not alone, but a concussed Willow and shaken Dawn isn't going to make things much better. On the plus side, there are no grenades for her to find and if she complains about the tranquilizer gun I'll just shoot her with it.

Buffy starts to help Willow up but then frowns and bends down to look at her. Oh, fine... I release the spell on her clothing too. Spoilsport. I start to turn around when again when Buffy grabs my arm. "What did you do to her? I mean..." She takes a deep breath. "She's still not okay."

Oh come on. "I just used the same spell I-"

"No, I mean before that... The orange needle that woke her up."

"Oh. That was just green goop to un-crack her skull."

Buffy's eyes go wide. "Un-crack her skull?"

"She did get punched by a Slayer... Oh! Right... She _probably_ still has a concussion. I've never needed to use it on someone's face before." I shrug. "Jack would know how to fix it, but _somebody_ banished him."

"Willow didn't banish him! If she knew how to do that we would have done it days- I mean. Oh, you know what I mean. But... Can we move her? I want to know what Anya did to my baby sister -"

"Excuse you! I am _not_ a baby!" Dawn whines.

I roll my eyes at both of them and try to ward off another angry toddler fight. "Yeah. Let's go. Willow will probably be fine. I mean, Giles survives concussions almost daily, right?"

"Good point." Buffy nods. She still looks worried.

"I'll open the back door for you two. You can carry her until we get her home and we can look up what to do. Don't let her go to sleep."

"Hey now. Even I know that's bad."

"Okay then." I leave the doors open as climb into the driver's seat and start Jack's truck.

...

I'm going to get him back.

He's going to be no more crazy than usual when I do.

He's going to go right back to eating anything scary that looks at me funny, laughing the entire time. Then I can go right back to not having to worry about surviving, and focus on living again.

I've gotten through plenty of this town's shit already. I can do this. I just need to keep everything together for a little while longer.

I refuse to allow for anything less.

He is most definitely not stuck in suck-land.

The universe had damned well better have been listening when Harmony said I was in charge!

...

Lord and Lady, Jack can't have been gone for no more than 15-20 minutes and I'm already sick of being in charge. He's supposed to be the one that fixes these messes. I hope this one is in that binder at home.

Or Harmony's backup copy. However that works. I don't know. I never thought we'd need to actually use the damn thing.

A hand squeezes mine. I look over and see Dawn giving me a halfhearted smile. I squeeze her hand back. I can do this.

Once everyone's situated and I've got the truck heading out of the parking lot I turn to Buffy to try and distract myself. "So... who's this 'The Master' guy and why does he seem to alarm you even more than his ominous title already does me?"

...

Moments into Buffy's horrifying explanation I regret asking. Didn't Jack teach me not ask questions I don't want to know the answer to?

Jack, I really hope you knew what you're doing.


	67. Part 43 – Segmentation Fault

A/N - Okay. The holidays are over and my Beta is back from purgatory (more commonly known as rural Florida)  
I'll now resume posting my buffer periodically, but there will likely be some additional delays as I get Hecate's side of the story off the ground.  
You'll be able to find that side of the story posted as 'Magic and Mayhem' soon.

 **Part 43 – Segmentation Fault:**

 **-Sunnydale - Police Station : T = +10.5 Hours-**

I walk through the little gate separating off the detectives area. "Excuse me, hi... You seem to have something of mine handcuffed to your chair."

I like to think my tone of voice does a very nice job of conveying just how unfortunate this state of affairs is for the detective in question.

The whole routine is spoiled, of course, when Dawn turns to me and whines. "Jack! Please tell me you remember me... Please..."

I roll my eyes at her. "Of course I remember you. The handcuffs are a new look for you though. Not too sure I'm so fond of it really... What did you wish for anyway?"

"Thank, gawd! I thought- What do you mean wish for? What are you talking about?"

"You didn't make a wish-"

"You know this... girl..?" The detective intrudes on our conversation before stalling out, his voice shifting from basic confusion to alarm. He's staring at me as I make my way around the filing cabinets and other office debris used to separate off the bullpen, his hand drifting down slowly to rest on his service pistol.

I'd call him impolite but following his gaze he may have a point. I am standing in a police station holding a sword and wearing clothes covered in blood. The gauntlet attached to my right arm is unlikely to be helping matters either. I add obliviousness and decreased planning skills to my mounting list of symptoms. Come to think of it, the shower I took was entirely AlterFaith's idea. "Yes I do." Were you sitting there with your ears blocked when I _just_ had this same conversation with Dawn a moment ago? Actually that wouldn't surprise me from this crew.

The detective seems to expect me to say something more... hmmm... oh right.

"I'm-" Hmmm... I guess I'm the one who had her made. Which... explains my unexpected possessiveness... But it doesn't seem like the right answer just now. "...a friend of her mother's." Yes. That works. "I do apologize by the way, I would have been here sooner but I was attacked by some incredibly angry looking people with swords." I hold up the sword in question by the blade horizontally in both hands as if showing off a piece of merchandise. It's the least threatening thing I can think of at the moment as I plaster on my best confused vanilla mortal face. "I only just left the hospital a little while ago. When none of you came down to take my statement about it, I figured I should come on down here to... err... I _can_ turn this in to you guys and have you find and arrest them for... What is it called? Assault and battery with a deadly weapon, right? Like on the TV shows?" My attempt at forcing him to go along with my suggestion via Thrall bounces off one of what I assume are the Mayor's mental shields. Well that's unfortunate. I guess it's more than just the Police Captain the Mayor feels merits protection in a world with Heinrich and until recently, Willow running around. Ah well, nothing for it. The officers around us are all giving each other strange looks but wonder of wonders, do seem to be looking slightly less hostile. A lot of hands are still on their holsters though. I guess I keep playing the hapless villager then. "Oh! I guess I have to tell you that I definitely _do_ want to press charges, don't I?" I nod in happy agreement with myself.

"You had a run in with a group of individuals armed with swords... and you want to have them arrested?" Hey look! A member of SPD with something almost approximating basic listening and comprehension skills. He sounds confused though. Poor bastard, being expected to do his job. Must suck for him.

"Well yeah... I mean, that's how it works right? I pay my taxes, you guys take care of dangerously violent people? They might need drug counseling too, their faces were all seriously messed up like... meth heads, but even worse." Okay. This is entirely too much fun. I smile at Dawn. "You okay there, my little Dawnie?" Dawn twitches slightly at my use of her mother's nickname for her. I'd use my Sister's but even I can't tell if she's trying to say Dawnster or Dawnstar under that Southie accent of hers. She should be grateful I didn't think of calling her 'my little pumpkin belly' until just now. I smile at her and she eyes me warily as if she knows what I'm thinking. "You know, I still haven't figured out why you're in handcuffs."

"I'm _fine."_

"She is, however, in a fair amount of trouble-" The detective stops as I turn to stare at him. His and Dawn's expressions forcing me to confirm I haven't drifted into gameface randomly. I haven't. Maybe I'm using the wrong smile as I combat the irritation I'm feeling at seeing my Dawn in handcuffs?

"Is she now? Whatever for? Wishing herself out of existence?" I'm definitely using the wrong smile, and overdoing the cheerful again. Or maybe the 'you people are all idiots that need to be cleansed from the gene pool, and I'm going to get to that promptly' smile is correct? I mean... I roll my eyes. "Let's see... she's a minor, so you would need to have contacted her parents, or at least a social worker, before you could talk to her about any alleged crimes, wouldn't you?" I look around the room and spot no one volunteering in either role. "Then there's the part where her lawyer," I wave at him cheerfully, "only _just_ got here... so... while it's nice that you think she's in trouble and all... I suspect I'll either be taking her, or all of your badges, home now."

I rest one hand on the oversized cross and smile ruefully at the detective. My attempt at Thrall induced compliance bounces off a- hmmm... I learned that earlier. Forgetfulness goes on my chart. Worrisome.

He tries to deny me. "No you won't!" Excuse you? "We are holding her for breaking and entering and multiple-" _MINE! You can't have her!_ The detective has a brief moment where he seems to sense something bad is about to happen to him as my vision tints red. He even manages to get his gun halfway out of its holster before I crush his skull with the cross.

...

A vampire using a giant cross as a weapon to kill humans. That amuses me far too much. Dawn seems to find it far less funny though, given that she's started screaming. Unfortunate. "Dawn! I'd strongly suggest you duck." Oh this is such _fun._

I try to toggle on the orbs, only to find out they're apparently already on, and whip the cross across the room, impaling the guy running out of the armory with a shotgun. I'd just really rather not redo that experience from the monastery. The scent of blood going to waste again is bad enough.

Police training seems to focus on center of mass shots and that's just not helping them at the moment. Even the almost impressive volume of small arms fire I suffer before closing with one of the remaining officers in the room is... mildly inconvenient, but little more than that. Especially with the orbs reinforcing my flesh and my ring rapidly regenerating it as I go. They do sting a bit though, I'll grant them that.

Reaching that next officer, I grab him and spin around so the remaining shots headed my way hit him instead of me.

Another officer races out of the armory with a shotgun and opens fire... with literal fire. Fucking Seriously? Dragon's breath rounds indoors? Fucking fuck, may the gods save us all from well armed morons.

As my body joins the nearby furniture in attempting to light up like a roman candle, I note the ring keeps the fire from doing any more than burning my skin off painfully, the flesh under that regrowing too fast for the flame to get much purchase beneath it. Except for the few spots where the magnesium pellets are embedded in my arms, I seem to be fine. As even those pellets begin to work their way out of me I laugh. Given how often my source of ignition was a mystical part of myself, I'd almost forgotten that the ring was actually supposed to help with normal everyday sources of fire like this.

Not that being on fire is any less annoying for knowing that it won't kill me any time soon. It is still fairly painful, and worse, the smoke coming from my body is going to rapidly become a liability as it starts to impede my vision.

I toss my now-burning human shield in the direction of the idiot with the shotgun and charge the remaining officer in the desk area near me, ripping his gun out of his hand.

I put a bullet through him, and then the man with the shotgun. Depressingly it takes me more than one shot with all the smoke in the air- Or maybe being on fire is causing my arm to shake? Probably the latter. But, in the meantime he does a decent job missing my moving target self right back, continuing to set parts of the station ablaze instead.

I listen for any more-

The sprinkler system chooses that moment to inform me of its rather strenuous objection to my current fiery situation. Ah... that feels nice.

...

What was I doing? Oh right. Dawn! I toggle the orbs off. Where is little Dawnie?

She appears to have crawled under the detective's desk, pulling her knocked over chair along behind her to make a fort. Not that she had much choice given that she's still handcuffed to that chair.

I crouch down, peeking over her chair at her. "Hey there, Dawn. You didn't happen to make a wish recently did you?"

She shakes her head no, her eyes wide and staring straight at me even as her head goes side to side. Fear wafting off of her. She smells so fucking delicious too.

So much blood in the air even as the sprinklers wash it down the drains, and she smells even sweeter. I think it must be that mystical green energy wafting off of her. I lick my lips and pull her out from under the desk. Mmm... I can hear her heart racing as she starts to struggle. What fun we might have, little Dawn and I.

I blink. Wait... Dawn... My Dawn..? Afraid of me..?

Oh. Gods Fucking Damn It. I'm doing it again.

I'm acting like some common moronic fledge.

Attacking a room full of cops that are all obviously aware of vampires. I'm lucky it was only the one guy with Dragon's breath rounds I had to deal with.

Hmmm... "Yes. I suppose that was a bit overly dramatic of me." I look around the room full of dead officers. "I am sorry you had to see that. I kind of got upset when they said they were going to keep you."

 _Mine_... My Dawn. I force myself to a stop. Pulling my tongue back in as it starts to lick my fangs. My Dawn is my Dawn. She is neither delicious nor nutritious, she _my Dawn. Mine!_

I'm staring at her neck again. Damn it, I'm fucking hungry.

Pulling in my fangs, I scramble back away from her and repeat to myself that this is not food. She is my Dawn.

It becomes my mantra until my fangs stop trying to re-extend themselves and I can look at Dawn without thinking about food.

I grab and gulp down the blood remaining in the nearest officer instead. It helps. I grab the next and repeat the process. Ahh... There we go. Okay then, I look back over at Dawn and don't feel any extra inclination to do horrible things to her.

I do feel the need to make good on my earlier threat though, and I start pocketing their badges.

"In retrospect I suppose I could have left you here with the cops to protect you... But... my mind seems to be malfunctioning of late." I sigh and try to smile at her. "Still, nothing for it now. We probably ought to get out of here before the fire department shows up."

"But first... Let's get you armed up." I grab the officer formerly armed with the shotgun and continue to slake my hunger and expand collection of badges as I pick out some appropriate armaments.

Hmmm... I suspect Dawn's wrists are even smaller than Amy's. She's still currently only Buffy-sized. Granted she's only 14 and still growing, but that doesn't help all that much now. Makes a proper pistol difficult to wield without injuring herself and the officers here don't seem to have anything smaller. Makes sense given how little effect even these had on me.

Probably be enough to daze a lesser geared vampire though, letting someone stake it, maybe?

The Dragons Breath was really the way to go. For them, anyway, but the 12 gauges aren't going to work any better for Dawn than the pistols.

...

Aha! A flare gun. That ought to do the trick. I'll leave it in the case for now so it doesn't get wet.

Maybe a cross too from one of the desks? Yes. That should work for her.

Oh! And definitely one of these smaller tactical vests for her. Hell, I'll take one of those and a pistol for myself, maybe a shotgun... too...

Man, hunger really messes with my head if almost forgot to grab guns for myself. Why am I so hungry again already? Oh, duh. The orbs are still recharging.

I'm running low on officers and they've all lost blood to floor anyway. Another badge goes into my pocket as I ward off my gnawing hunger.

I find Dawn trying to get her chair past the gate to the front lobby. "Oh... sorry, I forgot to un-cuff you, didn't I?"

I smile down at my Dawn as I walk over. I think the water from the sprinklers is making her cold, she seems to be shivering.

I drop the tac-vest over her. I think that'll help keep her warm? I mean, Kevlar is hardly known for its breathability. I don't think.

I snap the chain between the cuffs as it gets in the way of fitting her arms through the holes.

...I was going to do that first wasn't I?

I shake my head and try to focus. My Dawn. Protect Dawn. Protect Family. This is important, Jack, focus.

"Take these, I think you're going to need to find a threshold and hide behind it until I get my head screwed back on straight."

Strapping on my own vest and clipping on the holsters for my pistol and shotgun, I nod to her. "Let's go."

I push open the doors to find a confused looking pack of vampires in gameface... apparently they're mostly my 'cousins' it seems. Information begins drifting in as they get closer. Most of them are coming across as recently turned. I doubt any of them have seen their first birthday.

...Neither have I, I suppose, but I can't shake the instinctive impression that this lot is mostly filled with pathetic... weak... vamps you don't trust with delicate work.

I almost smile inappropriately as it clicks together. Ah nepotism at its finest...

I'm clearly not on the program listing they were handed for the night. They look around, as though seeking directions, maybe?

I slide into gameface to match them. "You lot are all a little late to the party aren't you?"

They suddenly all eye me warily before one of them shoves himself ahead of the others. The eldest moron. "Who are you?" He sounds like he's issuing some kind of challenge..? I would have expected a more positive response to being one of them.

Still, I eye up this apparent leader of theirs. Hmmm... He feels older than the others... Older than me too. I'm not really sure how I know that, but I do. He looks... familiar too for some reason, and he seems to have my various cousins' backing... Perhaps now is not the time to start a fight. "Call me Jack. I'm Drusilla's latest progeny. Heard Heinrich was making a proper go of things here and made my way to town."

I can hear some confused mutterings. "We were supposed to keep the cops from interfering over at City Hall weren't we?" and "Who's Drusilla?" seem to be the most common themes.

"The cops are all handled. They won't be interfering anywhere tonight... or any night for a while I imagine." I lick my fangs in case they failed to get the point. "Now we can go join the real party."

Confused, half muttered exclamations of, "Party!?" compete with annoyed sounding grumblings about not sharing. A hand grips my arm unsteadily... Who? Oh right... Dawn. My Dawn. I need to get my Dawn away from here. How do I- Ah... I catch one of them asking about the girl. Well, that won't do at all.

The first one to ask me to hand Dawn over takes a bullet to the head. _Mine! Get your own._

I don't wait for actual words to form as I begin to empty the clip into anyone functionally retarded enough to open their mouth in protest.

When they finally stop trying to speak, I turn to Dawn. Dislodging her grip on my arm, and pulling her in close- Hungry...

I lower her arm from my mouth as the power in her blood spikes through me. It's like a mix of Willow's and Slayer blood only... just... more. Absolutely intoxicating. It reminds me of the feeling I had after calling down lightning in that storm.

...

When did I bite her?

I look at her wide, terrified eyes. Shit. Even the morons 20 feet from us must be able to smell that fear.

I pat her on the cheek. "Why don't you head along home for now, babe. I'll be by for more later." I try to reach in and make finding shelter an order, but I find myself staring at the most complicated set of mental shields I've ever- They make the Mayor's work look like a rank amateur's. Nothing for it. I take all the power spilling out of my reserves and pour it into her. _'_ _Dawn. Run! Hide behind a threshold! I'll try to make them follow me!'_

She doesn't go fuzzy eyed like she should, but she nods. I have to hope something got through or that she remembers the original plan.

I can already feel my grip on things start to slide away as she takes off into the night.

My last bullet goes into the head of the first vampire whose eyes follow her hungrily. Their attention snaps back to me.

"I do believe you said we were missing a party down at City Hall?" I tell their familiar looking nominal leader... Oh! I remember you now! Jesse! That's his name.


	68. Part 4 oh 4

A/N - I'm mostly certain that this will all make sense a chapter or two from now.

 **Part 4oh4:**

 **-Sunnydale Roadways : ?-**

I'm itchy.

Mother tries to tell me that's fine, but she's not the one that's itchy. Stupid tattoos. Stupid gauntlet. She insists they're worth it but they annoy me just the same.

Barely halfway there, our trip to City Hall has ground to a halt, again, when an embarrassing number of my younger brethren got distracted and started chasing after a housewife taking out some trash bins.

Of course, she spots them immediately and runs inside behind her threshold. Morons that they are, they proceed to mill about stupidly.

I'm not sure why Mother's voice insists I hunt with this particular band of useless morons. There's hardly anything in particular I can see about them to merit keeping them occupied.

I laugh as our- no! -their Elder, Jesse, starts to look like he's reaching the end of his patience trying to keep them in line. He's not my Elder. I already proved I could take him in a fight and take over... but this little band? Do not want.

This many of us all together is unwieldy anyway. Splitting up will probably happen soon, now that Jesse is losing his grip on them.

Hmmm... Maybe I shouldn't have crushed his hand? I snort. But that was fun. And he tried to tell me no. Tried to hit me. Couldn't have that. Mother didn't like it.

Maybe I should split off now and form a separate group... Or just leave. This band is full of weaklings, and I seem to make them uncomfortable. Nervous. Maybe I should stop answering Mother out loud?

Yeah... I could hunt better on my own. Well... maybe I'll keep the vaguely familiar looking blonde chick over there? Yeah... she might be fun to claim.

She's pretty enough, and more importantly hasn't been one to hare off after every fucking heartbeat we hear. Though she might just be so empty headed that she doesn't notice them. She follows Jesse like... a puppy.

 _That's_ who she reminds me of! Willow's puppy. She was a Cordette... I think her name was... Gwen, maybe? Jesse seems to take better care of his toys than Willow does. I doubt her puppy could walk right after we were done let alone run like this.

Mother's voice starts nattering on in the back of my mind again. That's been happening a lot lately. It's annoying, and makes my head hurt. I think I'd enjoy this whole hunting trip more if she weren't bothering me.

She's not even bothering to make any fucking sense at the moment, not that she usually does. She keeps talking about things I feel I should remember. "And just what is that supposed to mean, Mother? Focus?"

I _am_ focusing, _Mother_. I'm focusing on her ass, but thank you oh so very much for the headache.

Jesse returns, finally, with the bunch of dejected looking vampires who were just defeated by this newfangled invention humans refer to as 'the house.' Apparently we're going to try and make it a few more blocks towards City Hall now. I wonder what shiny object will distract them all next.

Making progress seems to settle Mother down. Her voice drones on softer and softer even as I jog along behind my new chew toy. I'm not sure why getting there seems so important to her, but it lets me enjoy my view in something almost like peace and quiet. Only the occasional mutterings about Dawns and safety to distract me.

Mother is clearly insane. Dawn is not safety. Even I know that. Dawn means the Sun. Death. Pain. Not safety.

I can't help but feel like Mother is mocking me again. She does that a lot. Usually when I can't seem to remember something. She usually tells me what I've forgotten though, so I guess she can stay for now.

...

I still find it odd that these morons all seem to need to run flat out to manage this pace. Even the older ones. It shouldn't surprise me I suppose. They're all weak, pathetic, creatures. Mother agrees with me.

One of my cousins I've taken to calling Denim Jacket Dude stops to stare at some sort of car. I can feel the group start to slow down again to wait. Yeah... No, not happening. I don't even bother waiting for Jesse to yell at him, I just grab his arm and drag him along until he starts running under his own power again.

His struggles to continue gawking amuse me... until suddenly they don't. Mother's voice agrees. Enough is enough.

I rip his arm off.

He howls in pain. It's annoying and whiny.

I cut his head off with the sword Mother's been insisting I lug around. His dusting makes that usual distinctive noise and the herd of morons grinds to a halt again. They stare around stupidly wondering what happened.

Ah... silence... finally. My laughter fills it.

As they begin to process what's missing, someone starts to protest. "Ken! You ki-" Another moron joins the dust pile.

"No more distractions. No more stopping. You all can either follow Jesse to City Hall, or you can dust right here."

Mother's voice coos approvingly in my head. It's still annoying, and it still makes my head hurt, but I like having her approval. I smile happily.

The moronic wonders all inch back from me and look to Jesse, who nods uncertainly, and then we're on the move again.

I'm still not sure why I'm leaving him in charge. I'm obviously stronger than him even if he's got more than a year on me.

"Oh right... that." I agree easily as Mother reminds me that I don't want to be in charge of these morons. That would be far too much like work.

 **-Sunnydale – Outside City Hall : ?-**

I start to lengthen my stride as I begin to hear the sounds of battle ahead, slapping Gwen on the ass as I leave her behind. From her startled yelp, I think I left a bruise. I hope so, I grin. _Mine!_ Jesse will just need to find a new plaything.

I can sense the group around me starting to slow even as I speed up.

A vamp with a sword up ahead starts to yell at Jesse, demanding to know why we left our post.

He doesn't show up in my head. Mother tells me he's not family. Not one of us. In the way.

Jesse's hurried explanation cuts off as I race forward, sword out and already swinging overhand at this new obstruction. To battle!

Mother laughs gleefully in my head as she mutters something unintelligible and a funny little timer thing starts counting down in my head as power floods my body.

The foreign vamp moves to block my swing almost casually, but I barely notice the resistance as I drive his sword down and cleave through his shoulder.

A second swing and his head rolls off and he crumples to dust. His last expression of pained surprise fueling a new round of laughter from Mother and I as I turn towards the City Hall building up ahead of me.

I hear a minion behind me ask, "Wasn't he on our side?"

I snort. "No. He was in my way."

I can feel the thrill of battle surge through me and my fellows as we start to rush forward. That cackling laugh she's been encouraging me to do for the past few hours finally fits.

My senses flood with information as I close. A lot of my family is here, filling out my mental map. We don't seem to have made it into the main building yet though, which is sad.

I head towards the signal from the nearest pocket that seems to be darting around as if fighting. The courtyard is full of my cousins and a few more of those older sword wielding vamps Mother calls cultists.

Their numbers are dwindling both individually and in small sized groups, their signals cutting out all at once.

The individuals are easy to explain, the various hellhounds and other assorted demons doing battle with my family and our apparently... allies? make that part clear.

As for the groups dropping in unison, I have no idea. Mother wonders if there's a flamethrower, but she doesn't seem alarmed. Mother is clearly insane.

I hear Jesse calling out Willow's name behind me. I start to tell him she's gone, but Mother shushes me and tells me to hurry up. She's looking for something..? No... someone, or so she says. We need to find Heinrich for some reason.

I dive into the fray, impaling a green skinned demon in the guts. He gurgles and dies, betrayed expression on his face.

...

Oh... was he on our team...? Meh. Who cares? This is awesome! I stride across the battlefield lashing out with my sword at anything that doesn't register as a vampire. I'm so glad Mother was there to convince me to hang on to it, even it means listening to her ramble on about the usefulness of uniforms.

A girl with short black hair and solid black eyes steps into my vision, her hands outstretched towards me.

Mother starts wailing in my head even as my tattoos sizzle.

My sense of the family members behind me cuts off abruptly and the bitch smirks at me.

Her smirk rapidly turns puzzled and then alarmed as I slam into her, driving her into the exterior wall of the building.

My fangs are in her neck even before her brains finish spraying out along the wall. I drink deep and hard, sucking as much blood out of her as I can before it leaks out the back of her head. She tastes like magic and smells familiar. Mother seems surprised by her easy dea-

I stare at a girl's corpse as the red haze lifts from my vision. I take a few deep breaths to center myself. I can't even fathom what I was thinking just rushing at her like that. Magic at contact range definitely still works on me. I should have shot her or something.

...

My pistol is seems to be missing? Great, I'm in the middle of a battle- err...

Looking around, I seem to be in the courtyard out front of City Hall. Vampires, mostly my false cousins, and Hellhounds and a few demon types I don't recognize are all fighting in a chaotic free for all brawl that has more in common with a bar fight than a battle.

I'm hazy on how I got here. I remember Jesse trying to tell me that we weren't going to go to City Hall... I think he took a swing at me? I caught his fist... and now I'm here... and so is he... but without my pistol. Oh! I still have the shotgun... but it's bent. What...? Why..?

Focusing on that, I vaguely remember bludgeoning someone with it like it was a club because... of reasons I can't really recall. Not sure when that happened either. Damn it all, "Tar Frim!" I tazer down a hell hound bounding at me. Why even keep it if-

Apparently the damned things are like raptors because I get slammed into from behind by another one. It's jaws snapping shut on my side painfully, even in spite of the various augmentations I have running.

I can feel the red haze of rage descending again as the hellhound starts trying to shake me to death-

I grab the hellhound's head with my both hands and squeeze until I feel it's skull crack and jaw slacken.

Ripping it off my side I stalk back out into the battlefield swinging it bodily into the demon that just killed one of my cousins. Where did I leave that sword? Oh... who cares? It's more fun to feel the snap of bone under my fist, that last fluttering heartbeat as I rip the life force out of them while feeding... ah... this is the life.

My point is proven when another human crosses my path, his heart beat pounding in my ears, inviting me to- He shoves a cross in my face and I instinctive pull back a moment while he stakes a... nope, not a cousin, don't care. Hmmm... the cross doesn't burn me? Well, okay then! Mother's chattering makes less sense than usual as I grab him.

"No, Mother, he is not a Bat. He's clearly a food. Bats are black and have wings and- Hmmm... a Bat-Man?" He doesn't look like any of the versions I remember watching on TV. I suppose I wouldn't know if I forgot about one though.

"You're... Jack... right? From this morning?" He asks me nervously. Curious.

"Do I know you?" Maybe he's out of uniform? "Are you Bruce Wayne?" He looks kind of familiar. Which is- oh who cares? Food! He doesn't smell like fear, so it might not taste quite right, but food is food. One of my Elders is in the area, he can keep the minions in line while I-

My attempt at lunch is interrupted when I'm spun around by the shoulder and a fist slams into my face hard enough to rock my head back. It stings briefly... and then It doesn't hurt, but I'm pretty sure it should have.

I start to- oh! It's the Elder... Hey, I know this guy! "Hiya, Gramps. What's the plan?" My Grandsire, Angelus, just stares at me for a second, blinking. "Oh! Did you want some?" I offer up my human, who's still struggling in my hands. I'm sure he'll eventually realize that whacking me repeatedly with his broken or... umm... whatever is wrong with it... cross, is not helping his situation. "I suppose it would have been polite to ask earlier before just trying to eat him."

I appear to have confused my Grandsire... maybe this is the other guy? Li- Mother screeches bloody murder in my head again. Ungh, migraine. Where was I? Ah yes, Angelus is nodding at me. "Yes... Give Xander to me." Xander! That's what his name is. See, this is why we keep the Elders around, they remember things better. Mother seems to find this situation incredibly funny for some reason, but I just think it's sad. Having to turn lunch over to my Grandsire. Stupid older vamps hogging all the food. Ah well, se la vie.

...

Un-vie?

Shrugging, I throw myself back into the fray- Oh! My sword! That's where I left it. Damn. Now Mother insists I go over there and pick it up instead of fighting. "Fine..."

A cultist sprints past me as I make my way over to my sword. I punch him in the face as hard as I can as he goes by. I want to punch Mother, but she's not actually here, and I suspect punching myself in the face wouldn't actually help anything. Stupid disembodied voices.

Still, I guess she had a point about the gauntlet. Smashing faces in with a mailed fist is quite fun. Plus, bonus, I get to save myself five feet of walking by stealing the sword the now unconscious cultist was holding. Mother seems to find this an acceptable substitute.

I impale a hellhound that leaps at my face and then spin around to catch the other one... but there's no second hellhound this time.

Instead I see another group of cultists trying to steal my Grandsire's lunch. Even his lunch seems to realize this is rude, and is helping him fend them off.

I grab the nearest cultist by the head and twist hard until I hear bones snap, dropping him to the ground. Lunch stares at me with an odd expression for a second before turning to help my Grandsire.

I should probably do the same-

...

"Yes, Mother. I'll steal his sword too. What is it with you and fucking swords?" Slicing and stabbing people with them is fun and all, but no substitute for the joy of using my fangs and fists. Mother's only response is to give me a headache. Fine then, don't explain yourself. I'm just going to assume Mother has a sharp object fetish.

As I bend down to pick it up, I hear a vampire dust. My Grandsire is still reporting in on my mental map, so I'm not overly concerned. Most of the pings on my map have been holding steady lately. I think we're winning!

"Crap!" Xander disagrees... Which is fair enough, I suppose, given that he's lunch. It would make sense that he would disagree. I nod to myself. Yes that makes-

There's a loud roar followed by an even louder crunching, and then finally the sound of shattering glass, all off to my right in rapid succession. Looking over I see a crumpled and charred looking van pulling back out of what used to be the main doorway and then sliding sideways out of the way as my brethren begin storming into City Hall's Lobby.

Mother and I agree that vans are not supposed to do that, but that's still damned helpful of it.

"Come on!" My Grandsire rushes to join the rest of our family, leaving me behind with Lunch for a moment. Tempting... he _was_ my food first...

...

I suppose it'd be rude to steal my food back while he's distracted. He'd probably be upset about that, and orders are orders.

Come to think of it, I'm not even really all that hungry after that witch I ate. Besides which he's run off after my Grandsire now making it a moot point.

I race after Angelus and his Lunch, oh what fun we'll have now I've found my Family. To Battle! Mother's voice coos approvingly in my head for a moment at my decision. I think I'm insulted. He's my Grandsire and has two centuries experience on me. I'm not stupid, it's obvious he's in charge here. Mother snickers to herself. Bitch.

Up ahead, one of my cousins winks out of existence on my mental map as Angelus rushes past. Hmmm... I'm not really sure what that particular cousin did to annoy my Grandsire, but it must have been serious to merit a staking. I don't think he was even really in the way... Hmmm... maybe he just had an annoying looking face? Mother just laughs happily in my head and tells me to follow him even though I'm already doing that. Hardly my fault that he's so much faster than I am at his age.


	69. Part 45 - Factory Default Settings

**Part 45 - Restore to Factory Default Settings:**

My Grandsire is a complete and utter bastard. It's magnificent. I start laughing as I chop through another cousin's arm before taking off their head as I follow along behind him.

We're slowly forcing our way to the front of the forces trying to break into City Hall, hacking down anything dumb enough to get in his way.

The truly hilarious part is that he's gotten Lunch so twisted around that he's marching right alongside us, his heartbeat and the smell of blood calling out to them. Taunting them with its distractingly rhythmic pulse that calls out promises of fresh food with every beat. Anyone foolish enough to take the bait gets smote by our swords.

The downside of course being that our little eugenics program is causing us to get bogged down under the weight of just how many fucking morons there are in our ranks.

Come to think of it... that may be my fault, a lot of these idiots were supposed to be off 'watching' the police station with Jesse rather than in the thick of it here. Oops?

It's probably for the best that they're here. Anyone too dimwitted to know not to challenge my Grandsire, when he's so obviously and overwhelmingly their Elder, should take their Darwin award and like it. Such traitorous behavior is so unbecoming of a proper vampire. Even Mother agrees with me, and she's clearly insane... nattering on about Batman while I'm trying to focus on getting to Master. I can sense him vaguely up ahead even from out here. His signal's overwhelming power lights up my mental map like a giant beacon calling to me and my Grandsire. Gods, these morons should be rallying around Angelus and driving forward into the breach... not... flailing about trying to eat... what was Lunch's name again? Xander?

Hmmm... I have this vague recollection that I liked Xander at one point but I can't seem to fathom _why_. He clearly makes a very effective Thrall, but I don't think that's why I-

Oh! We're almost through to the door!

I scramble up the front steps of City Hall and into the building's lobby as-

A crossbow bolt punches through my shoulder almost immediately upon clearing the breach in the building's walls. My left arm goes numb and limp. That's annoying.

Ripping the bolt back out hurts more than it did going in, stupid broadhead points. I am not a fan of the way the angled points tug at my flesh as I pull, but I like using my arm, and it heals quickly enough once the bolt is removed. I glare over at the cluster of what looks like high school kids massed on the staircase with crossbows. A bunch of my older cousins are at the base of the staircase fighting with a few more students armed with spears. They seem to be having trouble breaking through due to a collection of large crosses strewn about keeping them at bay. For the most part anyway. I grin as one of the spear kids overextends and is pulled off the staircase where he becomes a snack for my cousins.

I head towards the staircase. If those crosses don't work on me either-

Mother of course, loon that she is, wants me to go join Master over where he's dueling some guy in a suit and a woman with shoulder length black hair. Why would I get involved there? My Grandsire is already headed that way and magical duels are for Elders. No, Mother, I don't care if her name is Catherine.

I also can't help but feel like their magical duel looks... boring. I remember watching Dumbledore and Voldemort duke it out on TV and that was far more entertaining. Master clearly outmatches either one of his opponents and they're only holding him off by working together.

Yes, I'm obviously not needed there. My Grandsire and his pet Lunch can handle it. I start to head towards the stairs-

Mother screeches at me and I glance over in time to see the black haired woman slip on some blood and slide a bit too close to Master, who drives his hand into her chest. Ohhh! Thank you, Mother, that _was_ fun to watch.

While Mother grumbles exasperatedly in my mind about... some silly thing or another, Master rips his hand back out of the woman's chest. He's clutching her heart in his hand, the black haired woman falling to the floor without even so much as a gurgle that I can hear... Mother takes a moment to cheer at her death before resuming her running tirade about the bat-faced old man she never liked. Apparently Mother didn't like this Catherine woman either.

One of the boys fighting near the base of the stairs stumbles and lurches into the group of cousins below. My cousins grab at him before promptly winking out of existence, replaced by a trio of rats on the floor..? If I focus really hard I can still sense my cousins inside the rats. The boy's hair and eyes darken as he straightens up and turns, sending a blast of power into Master's back. The blast punches a hole through his cloak, and bloodies his shoulder, but doesn't seem to inconvenience Master much.

"You're going to need to work a lot harder to put me down you bloodsucking son of a bitch." The boy shouts in a voice that Mother agrees sounds an awful lot like that Catherine woman who just supposedly died. Mother's sudden urgings to attack the boy seem to ignore the fact that I've been heading towards him since he murdered three of my cousins.

Turning to face the new threat, Master grins at her. "Ah, Catherine... Such a pity you couldn't teach that daughter of yours to be such a survivor." He launches a bolt of energy right back at her that forces her to shift towards me to dodge.

Mother's voice finally goes completely silent in my head. I'm not sure she's ever done that before in the entirety of our time together. I grab the boy from behind and snap his neck before feeding, Master nodding approvingly at me as he resumes his duel with the man in the suit. Odd... his blood only tastes faintly of magic. I expected something sweeter from a boy that could turn three cousins into rats at once.

Mother's momentary silence doesn't even last long enough to finish eating in peace. I can feel her muttering again, with steadily building volume. Five words; Catherine. Daughter. Amy. Mine. Killed. On a loop that reminds me of the thrumming beat of a war drum as a wave of rage and hatred flows through me. Sucking out the last of the boy's blood, I turn to face my new prey. He needs to die now.

Mother and I are in complete agreement for once, her commentary falling by the wayside as she begins just narrating my own thinking. The Nasty Bat-faced Man took something of mine. I'm going to kill him.

Dropping the rapidly re-coloring boy's corpse to the ground, I stalk towards the center of the room where Heinrich is driving the now unsupported Mayor Wilkins back towards his office.

A knife slides into my side. It tingles painfully as whoever just stabbed me starts trying to slice upwards in an attempt to pull his blade back out. I spin around and backhand my assailant with my gauntlet. Burn Kid's still outraged looking face crumples to the floor unconscious... I turn back to my prey and resume my trek across the room as I reach down to remove the knife. I mean, are you fucking kidding me? I pull the knife out of my guts. What was a knife suppos-

... Wait. That still hurts. I can feel my ring's power drain start to rev up as it fights to, very slowly, knit the wound closed again.

I stare down at what I can only describe as a fairly ornate looking solid steel Celtic Cross with the bottom bit sharpened into double edged blade. Just holding the damn thing in my hand tingles, like any other cross, so I guess it still counts. I laugh, looking from it to over at Heinrich. Oh yes. This plan I like much better... I tazer down a hellhound as it tries to leap at me and resume working my way through the last ten or fifteen feet remaining between me and my vengeance.

One of the school cheerleaders that I assume, from the jet black hair and eyes, is Catherine's latest host walks out of an office, summoning another hellhound as she goes. I have to admit I'm impressed by her level of control. The thing charges at Heinrich immediately and without hesitation or any obvious indication of a command. I suppose the rapid body jumping is the really impressive part though.

Heinrich shifts to meet his new assailant and, taking advantage of the distraction, Angel darts toward his exposed back with a stake. Heinrich just shifts to the side without looking and backhands him hard enough to spin his head right around.

Another blast of power from The Mayor gets blocked by Heinrich's offhand as he seizes Angel's throat, lifting him off the ground and smashing him into the hellhound. "You don't get to my age without learning to sense a traitor rushing at your-"

His voice cuts off as I drive the sharpened steel cross through the base of his skull where it meets his spine. I can hear his flesh start to sizzle from contact with the cross as he goes limp into my grasp.

Pulling him to me, I clamp my fangs down on his neck and drink as hard and as fast as I can.

His blood comes out thick, almost like syrup. It has that magical tang to it that Willow's did, and so much more, but it also tastes... odd in a way I can't put my finger on. I don't know, maybe the consistency is just throwing me off.

Mother's voice starts to fade in and out. My mind goes fuzzy as I start to... remember..? I'm lying on the ground with her sitting on top of me staring into my eyes from inches away. Mother is talking to me about family bonds. She makes it sound like they're something important.

Even paralyzed, with a holy symbol wedged against the base of his brain, Heinrich continues to try and drive me off. Pulling me out of my thoughts or memories or whatever is happening. Rapid chanting is followed by a powerful surge of electricity flowing out of his body.

...

I blink as it fails to knock me unconscious, the power of it instead being pulled into the gauntlet I have wrapped around Heinrich's neck to hold him steady. I can feel my reserves refilling and overflowing. That would have sucked, hard, if not for my accidental status as an electrovore.

I continue to drink as I shift my hand up, shoving my fist into his mouth when he tries to start chanting again. More images drift through my mind. Drusilla is smiling down at me while explaining that I'm going to need to be the one to save my Brother William from The Sunshine? I force myself to focus on the battle at hand, the images assaulting my mind will just have to wait. I pause only long enough to dump the power he just handed me right back into him through the glove before biting back down and continuing to drink.

...

Zapping him with lighting from inside his mouth buys me what feels like a bare instant of silence before he starts mumbling emphatically around my fist, and my tattoos flare up.

Only he keeps mumbling rather than sounding like he reached the end of a-

The loud and obviously frustrated roar from behind me fills in the missing pieces. Ah. No thank you, Balthazar, I'd really rather not get telekinetically dragged out to you for clobbering time.

A spray of conjured fire from the direction of Catherine makes me think maybe being dragged away by Balthazar wouldn't have been such a bad thing.

I find the fact that the fire seems to be making my tattoos tingle oddly even more disturbing than the pain of being burned. At least until I manage to catch part of what sounds like the Mayor wondering why the fire suppression wards aren't putting us out as he ever so politely chastises Catherine for using fire indoors. Her response is unintelligible. Drowned out by the roar of the fire... Errr- Actually, it's more likely a side effect of my ears being _on fire_.

I can feel my ring keeping pace with the flames handily, but Heinrich's imminent fiery demise puts me on a rapidly dwindling timer. I cling to Heinrich and drink as much of his blood as I can before the flames free him from my grasp.

Apparently I'm worrying about nothing though since a short, frantically mumbled chant, that I feel against my fist more than hear, from Heinrich later and the flames wink out. He's left missing large swathes of skin and flesh but still aliv- err- undead. His flesh is slowly but visibly knitting back together in front of me.

"-to kill me twice now. I still say we just let them both burn- Oh, damn it all." Catherine notes our now non-fiery state.

"Catherine, mind your language, there are impressionable young students present." Mayor Wilkins replies as a bolt of dark magic, or at least black in visible color, rockets out from his hands, flying past me. Balthazar's answering roar of pain cluing me in on what he was shooting at. Whatever discussion I missed seems to have culminated in Catherine nodding... at me? And then she and the mayor start blasting away at Balthazar. I make note of the fact that the Mayor's eyes and hair never turn black like Catherine's do. I'm sure that means... something.

Xander's voice comes from a bit over and behind me. "Oh, _yeah_ , Deadman, let's take the crazy vamp with us! What could _possibly_ go wrong, you ask? Gee, I don't know, maybe Thomas's new concussion from when it turned on us for a bit there?"

"Oh, fuck off, Captain Swimwear, it worked didn't it?" Angel's voice answers angrily from right next to me just before his stake punches through Heinrich's heart, and out his back into me a little bit, just under my ribcage. My meal turns to ashes and bones in my grip leaving me holding a skull and rib cage. I drop the latter to catch the knife cross. Handy little tool, that. "Dru always hated the 'nasty bat-faced man' more than anything." He points his thumb at me. "Putting up with one of her Renfields seemed worth it to put down The Master."

I blink. Renfields? Like the black court minions in Dresden Files? No... Those haven't been published yet. That term must be a reference that came from somewhere el- Wait... one of them plural? There are more of me out there?

"Well, that's great then. But what do we do with it now? That laugh it does gives me a serious case of the wiggins."

Yeah... I'm feeling a strong case of the wiggins too right now. I'm not sure why, but I- wait.

... Excuse you, I am not an it. I turn around to protest before it occurs to me that they seem to think I'm either entirely out to lunch or some sort of robot without instructions. Too late to just hold still, I put my hands together behind my back and face myself towards Angel as if I'm at parade rest, grinning stupidly at him the whole while. Instinctively following along behind him is what gave them the impression after all. Come on, keep talking like I'm not here...

"I... don't know. I rarely saw any survive whichever fight Dru made it for. It was just a kind of hobby to her for a little while before she got bored with it." He shrugs, but then eyes me warily. "This one seems even more suicidal than usual, drinking vamp blood like that." Angel shudders. I barely resist the urge to giggle. "I'm not sure why it isn't dust already." Must. Not. Roll. Eyes. Or ask him if it's 'because my science is greater than his superstitions?' Good gods is it tempting though.

I cross poor impulse control off my chart as I successfully hold steady, foolish vanilla mortal smile fixed firmly on my face. It feels so fucking _good_ to be back in charge of my own brain again. Errr- hold on. Something isn't adding up correctly. I'm all me again now, right? Drinking Sire's blood fixes mental issues... I saw that with Cordelia. But why don't I feel... Or is it why do I now feel... Hmmm... I may have misunderstood my problem? Something is different.

"Sure..." Xander sounds-

Xander.

That's what's wrong. Or at least different.

I've always heard his heartbeat... but I don't remember ever finding its rhythmic beat to be even mildly distracting before.

I don't remember...

Oh.

Shit.

I don't remember the show.

I know who all these people are... but... I remember them from recent interactions.

Amy's memory augmentation spell is gone, and it's taken my memories of what happened with it.

Don't panic. I remember that the show existed. I remember that I watched it... I remember vaguely what happened... I'm just not Mr. Eidetic Memory anymore. Amy can fix that, she just needs to cast the spell again. Apparently Sire's blood is a mental restore to factory settings rather than a fix. Joygasm.

So I'm back to-

Oh.

Oh no...

I'm back to _father_ 's factory settings... Not mine, or yes, mine, but not a state I've ever actually been in before.

I can remember all that work Drusilla did to make me... _better_. Make me more than just some common fledge. I can remember her forcibly shunting impulses that weren't productive into ones that were... but it's all gone now.

Eating Heinrich seems to have given me the self control to resist my less helpful impulses. But... I... actually have less helpful impulses to resist now.

I'm all on my own.

"Wait what?"

...

Angel and Xander are staring at me. Catherine and the Mayor are outside, still fighting Balthazar, from the sounds of it.

I replay the last few seconds in my head.

Ahhh... damn. I said that last bit about being on my own out loud, and I said it right after Xander asked Angel why I wasn't catatonic. Damn. I was really checked out there for a moment. I wasn't even paying enough attention to know what they were discussing beforehand to lead to his question.

The Orb's timer dings in my head. Double Damn.

... Ungh. I finally ran it's battery completely into the ground and I can't even say how long it was.

Well... on the plus side, it seems that my obsession with using science to sort out the world I live in is all me. Knowing that any part of what I remember being was my own is nice at this point.

Down side... I've gotten side tracked again, and without the orbs reinforcing my resiliency, continuing to play the part of a statue as Angel takes a step towards me rapidly starts losing its appeal.

I'm not ready to drop the game completely just yet though, so I simply drop the smile and take a step back and away from Angel, with his stake and sword, and Xander. I repeat the gesture as Angel takes his next steps towards me. "See. That doesn't look catatonic at all. I thought you said it'd go catatonic? " Xander eyes me warily from where he's moved, halfway to the door, holding up a cross between us before apparently remembering how much good that did him earlier.

"It's supposed to. They always have before. I'm not sure how being all on its own would change that." Angel eyes me suspiciously and I lament momentarily losing track of my mouth anew.

"So... we have a crazy super-vampire who's in the room with us. One that's cross and stake proof no less-" I have to confirm the cover is still on my ring. It would be unfortunate to have it on display while a discussion of my oddities was going on. "-and that drinks blood from other... oh, hey! If he's still active, can you aim him at the ones still outside?" Well now! There's my cue to escape if I ever heard one... Err-Hmmm...

Thinking about my current situation, I can't help but notice that my family radar seems to be on the fritz too. It feels as if someone massively ramped up the power output, but shorted out some of the wires along the way. I can definitely sense a whole host of ... something's out there... well beyond what used to be my max range but I'm getting all sorts of conflicting information instead of anything useful. Still, it paints a rather clear picture of forces being routed. Yeah, definitely time to get a move on.

"Super..? What do you mean, stake-proof?" Angel looks over at Xander.

Right. That conversation goes nowhere good. Time to play the abuse expectations game. How was I acting before they got twitchy? Ah yes... that works.

"Now, now, gramps, it's hardly polite to keep your kitten all cooped up inside like this if it wants to hunt. What would mother say if she found out?" I make sure to look over at Xander for the words 'kitten' and 'it'. Huh, enjoying petty revenges appears to be all me too. Score! I smile smugly at Xander.

Xander, sadly, simply shifts back a step and ignores me. "Yup. I said 'super-vamp.' Harmony was-"

"Harmony's here!?" If Harmony knows about me she must be the one that made a wish. I just need to find her and I can go home!

Angel stops and stares at me with a surprised expression. "Oh come on! Was I not supposed to fucking understand English?"

Xander starts to respond but Angel cuts him off, "Xander... we have a problem." His stance shifts from wary to hostile as he speaks. The fuck did I say to piss _Angel_ off?

"Of course we do. Harmony said he can't be staked, and doesn't care at all about holy water or crosses. I've seen him swim in holy water and he's holding Thomas's cross right now, so I'm thinking I believe her."

Angel nods and drops his stake, shifting his sword to a two handed grip.

"Yeah... Fuck this game... Tar Frim!" I taze-

...

Apparently not. Instead of tazing Angel I apparently knock him the fuck over when a bolt almost on par with what Amy can produce comes rocketing out of my gauntlet. Awesome.

"Shit!" Xander shouts, backpedaling away from me.

Dialing back the power as best I can, I taze him too.

I actually have no idea why I bothered.

I suspect that while Mother's programming is gone, habits die pretty fucking hard.

Going to have to watch that.

A car whipping violently through one of the windows and into the staircase reminds me that this is not the time for ruminating or taking my time.

Sadly this means picking up Angel's sword and decapitating him on my way past rather than getting to eat.

Last thing I need is him getting up and trying to sucker punch me on my way to Harmony.

...

On that note, I drive the sword through Xander's heart too just in case.

Licking blood off the blade I plan my next move. Oh... Duh! I'll just track-

A familiar sounding voice shouts, "You bastard!" as I suddenly gain a barnacle.

It occurs to me as I'm tackled sideways to the ground that the rapidly closing dot on my family radar really ought to have been a tipoff. Heinrich seemed to sense Angel coming with a good second to spare.

I'm just not used to paying attention to it for anything other than checking who's on the other side of a door. Tracking hundreds of little mental map dots at once will take some practice.

I reach around to grab my assailant with my gauntlet and shock him unconscious.

I grin. Mark Hamill had his cartoon joy buzzer, I have my glove.

...

I can live with the Joker routine being all me. Honestly, It'd be kind of weird if Drusilla was a comics nut.

Standing up and dusting myself- err... nevermind, my appearance is something of a lost cause already.

Even though I'm perfectly healthy and my skin is unblemished, my clothes make it very clear that I've been shot, stabbed, and lit on fire multiple times each.

Police issue Kevlar tactical vest- 0; Wishverse- 3.

... Huh... I don't even remember getting shot _after_ I put on the-

Oh.

Damn.

Yup... I think that might be related to the shotgun being bent.

I pick up my new knife and Heinrich's skull; pocketing the former.

Hmmm... where did my sword go... ah!

I grab my assailant and lift him up off my sword- Oh hey. It's Jesse. The fuck was he doing in City Hall?

My world feel like it's lurching to the right.

My tattoos flare brilliantly.

My sword vanishes.

...

"Damn it!" I glare the ground where the sword used to be, and then at Jesse. Wait. I'm back in my universe... timeline... whatever? Shouldn't I have been set on fire? Not that I'm complaining, mind you, but-

I see a coffee mug shatter on the floor off to my side. Straightening out I find myself looking at a very pale, very surprised looking Allan.

Casually as I can, I stand up and sling Jesse over my shoulder. I glance at the clock on the wall. It's 7 AM again. "Good morning, Allan."


	70. Part 46 – Creature of Habit

**Part 46 – Creature of Habit**

 **-Sunnydale – City Hall – Friday Morning-**

Allan stares at me. "You... Christmas shopping?" The scent of fear continues to fill tinge the air even as his expression shifts from surprise and alarm to confusion. All things considered, it's even mildly impressive that he could ask that question with a straight face and not even a touch of incredulity in his voice.

...

Unless he actually considers the idea of a man spontaneously appearing in the lobby of City Hall with a tazered vampire and very obviously burnt and battle-worn police issue flak jacket to be normal at this point in his life. I suppose it could also just be me; given that all of my interactions with him have been somewhat... outside of what he was expecting. After all, what's me claiming Jesse is a Christmas present when compared to having William the Bloody as a hung-over houseguest?

I shrug that train of thought off as unproductive and return to the topic at hand. "Yeah... well... no, not exactly." Alan's heartbeat is distractingly rapid, making it harder to focus. I shake my head to try and clear it, but it's only partially successful. "I mean... I didn't have to pay for any of it. So I guess it wasn't really shopping, so much as it was fighting my way through any demons that tried to get in my way and then claiming my prize." I smile as benignly as I can while shifting Jesse's weight around on my shoulder to be more comfortable. "Still, even though it was free..." I frown as I'm reminded that I lost that really nice, possibly even antique from the 15th century, sword. "All in all, I really wouldn't recommend going out of dimension for gifts. It's really just not worth the huge hassle, even if the local hellmouth seems to make it easier to do hereabouts."

Fortunately, either working with the mayor for so many years appears to have taught Allan not to ask too many questions or I overloaded his ability to cope and he's gone mute.

In any case he's apparently finished leading me to the staircase down into Sunnydale's network of oversized 'sewers' and underground caverns. He holds the door open for me and smiles nervously as I continue past him, down the stairs.

Turning around at the bottom I smile and wave goodbye. Allan fidgets uncomfortably at the top of the staircase for a short while before remembering that he does in fact have work to do and dashing off. Or maybe he just remembered that he dropped that mug full of coffee on the floor and his boss is a bit of a neat freak.

...

Speaking of Mayor Wilkins, I should have had Allan book a meeting for me. He might have some good ideas for making Henry the Skull. Or maybe I should go one step further and name it Harry the Skull? I suspect the diminutive nickname would annoy Heinrich even more, and the original Bob the Skull belonged to a Harry, which makes it somewhat poetic. Or would that require that I be a wizard named Bob?

...

I shrug. Probably not important.

Huh... if it turns out knowledge spirits don't exist, I wonder if I can create one? Thaumo-genesis is definitely a thing here. At worst I could probably make a magical JARVIS and cram it full of magical books as a research assistant.

I continue to muse on names for my latest projects as I start making my way through the caverns.

 **-Winters Residence – Laboratory : A Short While Later-**

I stare down at Jesse, now strapped to the table once occupied by the original Project M.

In the end, the decision to dose the future Mr. Jason Todd now, rather than after sorting out the soul issue, comes down to mitigating escape attempts more than anything else. Coma patients are just much more... compliant.

I'll need to make sure to borrow a nurse to put the various feeding related tubes in, but 50cc of Mohra Blood later and I can hear him take in a deep shuddering breath as his heart starts back up.

The steady rhythmic beat fills the room, calling out to me. Added to the almost overwhelming scent of blood that fills the room- Christ on a cracker, I still don't get how I never noticed that before.

And... now I'm hungry again. Fan-fucking-tastic. I suppose I could just-

Taking a deep breath of my own I wrench myself away from the table. Eating the test subjects before conducting the experiment is bad form. It has a nasty tendency to corrupt the data.

Backing away from the source of my temptations, I hit up the mini-fridge and grab a blood pack to-

Hmmm... All thing considered I suppose I may as well just go ahead and down the rest of Angel's blood, It's hardly going to have any more effect than the liter or two I pulled out of Heinrich.

Actually... no. I should probably hold onto that in case I ever need to forge a stronger sympathetic link than hair allows for.

...

Does vampire blood link back to the vampire or to the original... donor? Or would it link to both? I'll have to do some testing on that. Tearing open the packet, I can barely smell the difference in the air as the 'fresher' blood joins the mingling scents.

Dumping the packet of blood into a mug and firing up the microwave I head over to the vault to drop off my glove. I really need to work out some sort of air purifier or ventilation system in here or I'm never going to get anything done ever again.

Tapping out the vault door code, I- Ungh, where did I put that cleav- The fuck?

I stop and stare, pointing stupidly at the Glove of Myhnegon sitting on the shelf in the vault. ' _The_ Glove of Myhnegon.' That whole 'the' bit at the beginning ought to imply uniqueness... and yet I'm pointing at it with the _other_ Glove of Myhnegon that's on my arm.

Cool! I have two Gloves of-

...

"Son of a fucking fuck! Really!? I could have snagged a second ring?"

I really hate magic sometimes. How does that even work? They really ought to be the same buggerfucking... erm... Huh. I probably shouldn't ever take this glove off if I want the universe to continue ignoring it's paradoxical existence.

Probably shouldn't let them come into contact either. I don't know that it'd cause a problem, but I'd _really_ rather not find out the hard way.

The microwave dings as I step back out of the vault. Fetching my lemonade and a notebook I sit down to sketch out a rough plan to... erm... what the..? My mug of lemonade is... somehow even less satisfying than usual today.

Oh.

Great.

Just fucking wonderful.

Heartbeats, the scent of blood in the lab, and now... my lemonade.

It would seem that Mother's programming was suppressing even more impulses than I realized. Impulses I didn't even realize I had. Well, at least I have all the time in the world now to sort out how to animate my new project. I can take my time and use him to get used to the whole distracting heart beats thing.

I tap my pen against my notebook as I try to focus on planning and block out the distracting rhythm of Jesse's heart. Hmmm... I wonder if I could convince- Errr- Damn.

This whole no longer having eidetic recall of the show is going to get old really fast. When does that O'Toole guy get zombified? What happens if I green goop one of them? And... was it his uncle or grandfather that put him back together?

I really need to have Amy recast her spell.

...

Aw crap...

I need to call Amy and let her know what happened.

I take out my- Oh right... well that's no good. Unsurprisingly, it would seem that fire and water are both things that cell phones don't like being exposed to. Well then... so much for warranty replacements. Then again, if it were working I'd probably have a voice mail and/or a series of text messages angrily ranting at me for learning how to teleport without telling her.

Tossing my notes aside for the moment, I head upstairs. If I can't text her I can at least call her from the house and play one of those voice synth things on the computer at-

...Or I just could open the door and find Amy pacing back and forth in the living room already. Erm... what the hell is going on here?

Still standing on the staircase, inside the sound dampening spells area of effect, I pause to take stock of the... bizarre, even by my standards, scene that is playing out silently before me.

Amy, looking like she's working up a good head of steam, is pacing back and forth while glaring at Anya, who appears to be tied somewhat overenthusiastically to a chair taken from the kitchen.

Willow and Cordelia are here too, enacting their own version of that scene in miniature, as they sit as far apart from each other as they can on the couch, glaring at each other. Well... Cordelia is glaring, Willow looks a touch of out of it.

But the strange thing is that _Buffy_ is-

...

Not bothering me? That surge of annoyance I was expecting to feel from being reminded of her existence is just... not-

Oh... Gods Damn It, I guess Mother was just being... proactively vindictive... in dealing with a future homewrecker? Was none of that my own?

Hmmm... thinking back on it... messing with Buffy still seems hilarious. Awesome.

Anyway, Stabberific Barbie is in my living room, hugging Dawn to her side. Dawn has what I think is her 'I am upset with you' face leveled at Anya.

...

On top of all which there's a smell I don't recognize in the air. It smells... delicious, actually.

Nothing for it. I take a step forward, clearing the sound wards, and let the noise assault me.

Anya is mid whining plea. "... work that way! They're just weird or..." Dawn looks mortally offended by her statement for some reason, but Anya keeps going, sounding thoughtful as she looks at Dawn and then over at me. "...You're not part chaos demon are you?"

I get about halfway through drawing in a breath before Dawn's incredibly insulted sounding shout of, "No!"

I stifle a laugh at how personally she seems to be taking that question considering that I can hear her asking Buffy what a chaos demon is immediately after her denial. I add my own confirmation while they're busy. "What she said." Come to think of it though, wasn't I upset with Anya too? I mean, I may have come out ahead with the extra glove, but she did still kind of ruin my morning. "I have been-"

I get no further before my lungs are suddenly being crushed by a vice and my world lurches to the side as Faith slams into me. Her shouted, "You're alive!" is then, of course, aimed directly into my ear.

"Erm... no? Well, maybe?" I manage to get out with the limited amount of air left in my lungs. Each word requiring a new shallow breath.

...

"What?" Faith's grip slackens slightly as she stares up at me with her nose crinkled in confusion. Instead of answering though, I just stare at Faith. She's what smells delicious. I catch myself licking my lips and can feel my fangs sliding out.

I let go and start to pull back from Faith, forcing my fangs in and moving my arms to my sides. Faith doesn't let go though, and I'm stuck with my face inches away from her, feeling like I've just had a gallon of adrenaline dumped into my system.

"He's being pedantic, so all appearances to the contrary, I guess he's okay." Amy's annoyed voice chimes in as she walks into view, massaging her temples.

"Oh, shit! What happened to you?" Faith asks, finally letting me go and taking a step back of her own to look me up and down.

I take another step back from them as I fight to keep myself in check. _This_ is _my_ Faith. I will not be eating her. Mother's efforts helped me setup a great little un-life for myself here. I am _not_ going to ruin it with poor impulse control.

Faith and Amy give each other a look as I take another step back. "Jack?"

I hold up a hand to forestall them and close my eyes, falling back on father's old nausea control methods for lack of any other ideas. Doubling numbers in my head as rapidly as I can until the math is all I have room to think about, I force myself to calm down.

Opening my eyes I try to smile tiredly. "I've had a very strange day. It would seem that Mother was doing more for me than I realized."

Amy's eyes widen a bit and she takes a step back, pulling Faith along with her.


	71. Part 47 - Creature of Habit II

**Part 47 - Creature of Habit II**

 **-Winters Residence Atrium-**

"That's not Jack." Amy says, her narrowed eyes watching me warily as flames coalesce around a raised hand that she has aimed my way.

"...What?" Faith and I ask in unison, both eying the flames.

"It's not Jack." She repeats, reducing me to an it. "His voice didn't do the accent shift when he mentioned his mother. Jack always sounds like he's from London briefly when he does that." Faith blinks once and then tenses up, shifting into a combat stance with her fists up. Her heart rate starting to accelerate isn't doing me any favors on the control front either.

"Oh, for the love of all the gods. That's what I was trying to tell you!" Annoyance appears to limit my mind's ability to have other idiotic urges while I indulge in argumentative grumbling. Sadly, noticing that fact seems to be enough to cheer me up and I'm set right back to start. Gods Damn It! I go back to doubling numbers in my head again. Where was I? Fuck it. 4096! 8192. 16384...

"Okay. So tell us why we're all still here."

32768... 65536... Huh? Non sequitur much, Amy? Oh, right, that challenge response thing I taught you. No idea why I based it on a short story I wrote back in high school but here we go..."We're still here because by the time God woke up on the eighth day and realized what a terrible universe he had made, Helen had already decided she liked it and stuck us on the mantle."

Amy feigns confusion. "Why not just get rid of it anyway?"

"Because that would mean admitting that he'd forgotten their anniversary."

Faith is looking back and forth between the two of us. "What the hell are you guys... Oh! Is this like that wheel shoulder thing you told me about?" She taps her shoulder.

I sigh. "It's shoulder to the wheel." I mimic the gesture. "But yes, Echo, it's just like that."

Faith smiles, nodding at Amy's questioning look.

"Of course, now we need to come up with new ones because we had an audience." I mutter not so quietly while looking pointedly at Buffy, who has taken to pacing the room, watching me warily, before looking back to Amy. "But okay... are we good now?"

She opens her mouth and starts to nod but then stops. "No."

...Huh?

Faith beats me to the punch though "What? Why not..?"

I groan, realizing this is my own damn fault. "Because when I started my paranoid security nut phase, I was thinking of The First Evil. So I told Amy to be overly cautious and find a second way to verify who I was."

Amy nods, and looks around the room as I start doubling numbers in my head again. "I need a moment to come up with something... So... Start explaining. What happened?"

Breathe in. Ignore how delicious everything smells. Breathe out. Ignore the numerous beating hearts. Breath in..."Okay. So, it turns out that-"

...

"-hell!?" I look up at Faith's angry yelling. Moving makes my headache hurt even worse. Amy has a hand on Faith's shoulder, calming her down, while her eyes remain on me.

Wait... Why am I on the ground? When did that happen? ...why is there a stake in my...

The sensation of the back of my skull knitting back together combined with Buffy's nonchalant sounding, "What?" makes it easy enough to piece together what happened. Of course she did.

I groan in irritation. "Buffy sucker punched me didn't she?" Serves me right for losing track of the ax-crazy bitch. I really ought to- no. Calm.

Amy smiles down at me. "Yuuup." I raise an eyebrow at her popping her P's at me while I'm sprawled out on the ground. "Then she staked you."

"You seem remarkably unconcer- Oh... Right... I was still trying to explain how I'm not some sort of imposter."

"Yuuup." Amy nods. She still looks wary, but there's no fire swirling around her hands anymore which is a plus.

I sigh exaggeratedly and roll my eyes. "Fine. I'll just stay down here for the moment then." I roll onto my back and lace my fingers together- nope. That won't work with the glove on. I settle for just keeping my hands together and looking as peaceable as possible. "I suppose having a stake driven through my heart and not dying counts as a point in my favor on the 'I really am Jack' front at least, right? Or maybe not, since if I weren't me then I might not be a vampire and the stake is pretty irrelevant. This is frus- ...oh, I'm a duh." I slide into gameface and smile for a moment before pulling my fangs back in. I make sure to keep my head shifted slightly so that Buffy remains in my field of vision though, since I'm not feeling particularly suicidal at the moment. Just because the stake Buffy used can't hurt me doesn't mean she won't try something else.

Dawn's face pokes out from behind Buffy's shoulder, peering down at my cautiously. After my performance in the police station I can't say I blame her for trying to keep her sister between us just in case. Hmmm... that might also account for some of the cautious hostility in the room. "Now, as I was saying before I was _so rudely_ interrupted…"

Buffy grins down at me, and I resist the urge to stick my tongue out at her. Drawing in a breath to contin- I groan. Really? Really brain? _Buffy_ smells good too now? That's got to be some sort of sacrilege. An abomination unto Nuggan at the very least. Can't have that. No. I _refuse!_ I will forfeit speaking before I- wait.

...

Interesting... I seem to have significantly less trouble tamping down on Buffy related annoyances. I mean, even the stake- Huh... I guess I _do_ have a lot more practice disregarding... everything... about Buffy. Thank you for that, Mother, even if your motives in making it impossible for me to even properly register that Buffy is pretty are rather suspect. Certainly useful though.

Amy's foot begins tapping. "You were saying?"

Mentally fixing Buffy firmly in place as the source of that smell and promptly shunting the urges to the side as best I can, I try for a third time to explain. "Right. Sorry, Amy, but the side effects seem to include distractibility."

"Side effects?"

"Yeah. You know how drinking human blood helps me purge toxins?" I catch myself licking my lips as the topic of blood comes up. 131062... 262-

"...Lightweight..." Faith singsongs not quite quietly enough.

I go to roll my eyes at Faith, but think better of it at the last moment. Looking at Faith still sets off my base moronic instincts. Instead I shoot an exasperated look at the glass ceiling. Staring into the morning Sun, just starting to peek over the east walls, seems to help hone my irritation up to productive levels. "Yeah, yeah, Faith, you are the indisputable queen of underage boozing."

Amy just groans even as Faith happily chips in with a, "Damn straight."

"I can hit him again if he doesn't get back to the story." Buffy asks. I'd taze her, but that strikes me as counterproductive. Still... okay, maybe later.

"No... I'm pretty sure he's actually Jack."

"Oh, I know." Buffy informs us all. She looks entirely too cheerful about it, even as Dawn whacks her on the back of the shoulder and mumbles something that sounds distinctly like 'psycho.' Yeah, I'm definitely tazing- No. I think this merits something more creative... I'll have to have a proper think on it.

Shaking my head, I carry on. "Anyway... It turns out that drinking Sire's Blood also purges a variety of _mental_ afflictions the same way. Like say... compulsions and the like."

...

I smile up at... a bunch of blank stares. Really, Amy? I'm trying to be subtle here. Ah, fuck it. "...I crashed Mother's programming."

Amy nods, mouthing a silent, 'oh...' at me.

The rest of those present however, all decide this would be a great time to practice their synchronicity. "What programming?"

"Mother... stuck a to do list into my father's head before she turned him into me. The side effects apparently included calling her 'Mother' in her own accent." Along with a whole host of other little details, like the ability to ignore the siren call of human heart beats without even thinking about it.

Buffy's forehead scrunches up. "What in the huh? Father?"

Before I can explain, I hear the kitchen door open. Harmony's voice begins wafting in alongside the smell of freshly brewed coffee. "...so you see, Principal Snyder, it's really all that Buffy girl's fault. _Again..._ I know right?"

Buffy spins around to face the direction of the kitchen and, I assume, Harmony. "Excuse me? Wha-..."

Buffy's voice cuts off and she starts to turn back around slowly while Harmony practically skips into view. "uh huh... Thanks, you too." Her phone shuts with an audible click as Harmony steps over me to Amy. Buffy's lips are still moving in protest as she glares pointedly at Amy, but no sound comes out of her mouth courtesy of what I assume is some of Amy's quick spell casting. Completely oblivious to this, Harmony holds out a mug of coffee. "Principle Snyder says he's very sorry to hear that we've all caught another bout of the flu, but that he'll see us all on Monday."

The expression of indignant irritation on Buffy's silenced face is just too much, and I start to laugh. "Typhoid Buffy strikes again!"

This then startles Harmony, who promptly attempts to spin around to look at me and trips over my feet instead. Her plaintive squeak as she sprawls out on top of me sets Faith off laughing as well. Soon all of us are trying desperately to stop giggling like idiots as Harmony hugs me. "You're alive!"

"Again, not exactly." Though I suppose that depends on if you consider 'me' to be the blood demon doing the animating or the dead body I'm using to think with. Are demons, 'alive,' in the textbook sense? Not that now is a productive time to have a crisis of identity, but... no. Focus... Foc-

...

Hang on... shouldn't Harmony be setting off my late onset moronic fledge syndrome something fierce right now? I can literally feel her heart beating inside her chest at the moment... I can feel her warmth pressed against me... and yet..? I take in a deep breath, inhaling more of her scent and... still nothing.

Well, not _nothing..._ she still smells like Harmony. But under the perfume and the detergent her mother uses is a human scent that my mind seems to think of the same way as my own? ...What the?

Loud, rapid, click-clacking briefly precedes Cordelia storming into view.

Harmony is bodily hauled off of and away from me by an apparently also silenced Cordelia, though I suppose _silenced_ is relative when her natural volume is enough to generate a low buzzing sound even through the suppression spell. Actually, now that I think about it, magic is really the only explanation I ought to have come up with for her lack of previous participation in the conversation. Passive and silent are not traditionally traits I would associate with the girl.

As if to prove my point, Cordelia's emphatic pointing at her own mouth gets Amy to release the spell, gifting us all with the end of her rant. "...insane, Harmony? He's a vampire! He'll bite you!"

Harmony looks at Cordelia like she's lost her marbles and calmly informs her that, "No..." She shakes her head slightly for emphasis. "It's not Monday."

I studiously ignore the fact that Cordelia almost has a valid point given the sheer number of stimuli amping up my system at the moment, and instead choose to smile at Harmony's rigorous belief to our... _schedule_. I wonder if that's why? I'll have to check the rest of my Thrall-herd.

Cordelia mirrors Harmony's expression for a moment before she starts dragging her by the arm towards the front door. "You're driving me home."

I'd intervene, but Harmony seems perfectly on board with Cordelia's... request. I will say that I can't recall her being quite so... shrill..? on the show. Then again, she's had a rough week. Hey now, look at me, a vampire using empathy... or maybe it doesn't count if I find the whole affair entirely too amusing? I wait for the sound of the door slamming shut to ask if I can stand up, but instead of the door I hear Cordelia's voice again. "And by the way, Sweater Girl doesn't look so good. You might want to bring her to a doctor... or not, what do I care?" And now the door slams shut, taking two beating hearts with it.

I blink at that, it does seem to be helping. Slightly.

What did she mean- oh. Yeah, Willow did look a touch out of it, and this whole fustercluck _has_ been missing her special brand of righteous indignation. 'Sweater Girl' mystery solved, I return to the topic at hand "So... are we good? Can I stand up now?"

Glancing over, Amy shrugs at me. "Well, he passed all the tests I could think of... and he didn't even try to eat Harmony." Buffy's gone when I go to look back over at her, so I grab on when Faith holds out a hand.

I muster up the most indignant tone I can manage while being hauled onto my feet by a girl. "Of course I didn't eat Harmony." I huff out before rolling my eyes and doing my best Harmony impression. " _It's not Monday"_ Amy and Faith just roll their eyes at me. I shrug, everyone's a critic. "I am, however, going to need a cup of blood. Excuse me." I very deliberately don't inhale again until I've already taken a few steps towards the kitchen, and more importantly away from Faith and Buffy. Glancing back as I clear the doorway, I ask, "So what happened to Willow anyway?" Being a room away is definitely helping with my ability to concentrate, though I can still hear and differentiate all of their heartbeats.

"Faith punched her." Buffy's tone manages to make it sound like some sort of war crime.

I grin at my sister. "Awesome!"

"Hey! I thought she lit my brother on- wait, you're not mad?" she sounds confused.

...

"Wait, what?" I pull a few blood pack out of the fridge and start looking for a cup. "The fuck would I be mad if you hit Willow?" Fuck it. I bite into the bag and start sucking out the blood. It's just as disgusting, but it keeps my urge to feed at bay.

"Hey!" Buffy shouts.

"Ass!"

"Dawn!" Buffy admonishes reflexively. But instead of following up on it, she bends down and looks closely at Willow "Hey. She really doesn't look of the good. I think she's getting worse, not better. What was in that green stuff?"

...

Faith and Amy both shrug and then looks at me expectantly. I sigh, dropping the empty blood bag into the trash. "You used The- ...green goop... on Willow..?" Damn it, that stuff is expensive.

Amy nods. "Yeah... Faith punched her. Didn't pull the punch either, caved her nose in."

"...Oh... damn... I can't believe I missed that." I smile at the mental image, and then grumble at Buffy's irritated and expectant expression. "Fine... How much did you give her?"

"Ummm..." Amy shrugs. "My whole syringe?"

"Huh... that should have worked." Hell, Amy out masses Willow by at least 10 pounds, so if anything it should have over done it and... erm... I think back to Willows dazed expression from when I first came into the living room. She looked half asleep- "Errr... had Willow eaten recently? She might be in one of those... uh... the thing that happens to diabetics. No sugar comas or whatever. I'd say force feed her a glass or two of orange juice and a bar of chocolate and wait fifteen minutes. If that doesn't work take her to the hospital for an actual exam. You may even want to force feed her _while_ driving her to the hospital... just in case." I open the fridge and grab the orange juice and carry it into the living room before tossing it to Faith and continuing on towards the door. "You can take the truck, I can get where I need to go on foot easily enough."

"...You're not comin?" Faith asks me as she catches the bottle. She sounds surprised by that for some reason.

"No. I have to visit The Warden for some... advice."

"Advice about what?" Amy asks, walking out of the office with some of the chocolate from the band sale...

...erm...

Meh... It'll be _fine_. Probably. The band candy only messed with adults. At worst maybe Willow will mellow out a bit. Gods above, could she ever use that. "Advice about..." I look pointedly at Dawn and then Buffy, who is fortunately forgoing this opportunity to interfere with my day in favor of feeding Willow some of the chocolate. "Family stuff. I'll tell you later." Faith and Amy follow my eyes and then nod.

Before Buffy can protest, I pull open the door and go to step outsi- Oh, for the love of all the gods! Fucking seriously!?

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce is standing on my doorstep with fist raised to knock on a door I've now opened and tried to step through.

Having him knock on my forehead twice before he can stop himself is just the icing on the cake at this point.


	72. Part 48 – Creature of Habit III

**Part 48 – Creature of Habit III**

 **-Winters Residence : Friday Morning-**

I stare at Wesley around the fist he has resting against my forehead. I could have sworn this guy wasn't supposed to show up until after Buffy's birthday adventures.

My tattoos don't itch, and I don't see a wet works team standing around behind him. More importantly, my house is full of witnesses and, despite all the other little changes going on in my mind, I find that I _still_ don't want to take over Buffy's job.

So...

Jack the obnoxiously friendly vampire it is. "Wesley! Perfect timing, let's go. You're driving by the way."

Wesley's heart beat picks up the pace as he hastily pulls his hand back away from my forehead. "I do apologize about that. Wesley Wyn...dam... I'm sorry, have we met?"

Oh. Right. "No, but Mrs. Post had _opinions_ about the her fellow Watchers, and your father in particular. For some reason she felt the need to share those opinions with me at great length." I shrug and smile at him as genially as I can manage while reining in the urge to feed. Gods Damn It, I've gone through my entire blood supply save for the one packet still in my hand and I'm _still_ hungry. These damned orbs are going to be my undoing. How much power does it take to charge them? The timer running backwards at the edge of my mind ignores me as it continues its steady drain on my energy reserves.

"I can assure you, Gwendolyn Post is not the exemplary Watcher that she may have portrayed herself as. Anything she-"

I cut him off before he can defend himself needlessly. "Oh, _I know_. I'm well aware that that woman had more than a few screws loose. "

"I see. Well, in any case, I'm here to see Miss... _Dormer_." Huh... that's interesting. It sounds like Wesley has opinions about Faith's choice in surnames. Good luck with that.

I snort. "Yeah... no. I am _not_ leaving you alone with my baby sister." I ignore the nearly simultaneous indignant squawks of protest from both of them and turn my head to face my family and... guests. "Certainly not until _after_ somebody calls Giles and has him _make sure_ he didn't miss any more memos."

I give Buffy a pointed look, but she just shrugs and smiles at me. "We don't have cell-"

Whatever she was going to say cuts off when Willow starts to come around with a slurred sounding, "Wha..?" I assume she meant her and Dawn don't have cell phones, which I find bizarrely concerning. I should probably talk to Joyce about that given Dawn's propensity for being kidnapped-

...

Again, why do I care? Eh, I'll mull that over later. Right now I guess I need Faith to- oh. I look over to find Faith already has her phone out and is in the process of dialing. She doesn't look any more thrilled about the prospect of talking to Giles than I would at the moment. Still, appearances must be preserved, and this gives me an excellent reason to give Wesley a hard time.

Which reminds me... "And _you,_ " I turn back to the now rather put out looking Wesley, "are coming with me to run some errands while they do so."

"Wait! Jack!" Amy yells before I can get so much as a half step out of the house and away from all of the tantalizing scents and sounds inside it.

I take a half step backwards into the house with a groaning sigh and, making sure that I continue to block Wesley's path, look back over at Amy. "Yes, dear?"

"What do we do with her?"

"Her? What?"

She points at... oh right, Anya is still tied to a chair in the living room. Probably spelled silent too, judging by the dull buzzing noise and the lack of whining coming from her.

...

Why would I care what you did with-

Hmmm, well... she did, I assume, cause me to have that incredibly frustrating day that has now no longer happened. Plus, I suppose, a Vengeance Demon getting involved in my family's affairs is probably the sort of thing I should consider making an example over... but I can't imagine what I could do to her that would sell my message any louder than having her rendered mortal and powerless. Not that I know how to properly convey the cause and effect message on that. Plus... even if it wasn't a terrible plan to provoke him, I don't have... err... crap. Okay, on top of not having his shipping address, I don't even remember her boss's name at the moment.

And... again, I find myself possessed of a house full of witnesses which limits my options somewhat. Fairly certain Buffy and Dawn... and probably Faith too, would object rather strenuously to any plan that started with boxing up Anya's head for shipping. Oh, whatever... I should probably take any opportunities I can get to appear reasonable while I have a member of the Watcher's Council on site. Who knows, maybe I can even get them to calm down enough about the whole Faith and I living together thing that I won't need to blow them all up. Replacing them would be at least as much work as replacing the Scoobies. Plus, Anya might be useful later anyway... I guess I can afford to be magnanimous in victory.

Decision made, I look back at Amy. "I- ...don't know." I... have no experience with _not_ taking revenge. "Why did you tie her up in the first place?"

" _Tied_? Wha-" Wesley's protest dies as I reach out with my gauntleted hand and grab him by the jaw without looking. Squeezing just enough to ensure he can't continue moving it proved to be an effective manner of conveying that he ought to be quiet and let me think right now. Then again, I can feel what I assume is him flailing away at my arm in protest. I guess I'll have to work with him on that whole interrupting the grownups when they're discussing important business is rude thing.

"We thought she'd killed or banished you." I let myself enjoy some warm and fuzzies over the idea of having people that will avenge me when I'm gone.

"Oh... Well, I suppose she technically did banish me, sort of." Anya nearly topples her chair with her nonverbal efforts to protest her innocence. "But only across town, and even then I doubt it was on purpose. Harmony made a wish, yeah?" Unsurprisingly, judging by the relative levels of enthusiasm in their affirmative nodding, Anya is far happier to shift the blame on Harmony than Amy is. "Okay, so... An immortal vengeance demon, with the mind boggling power to literally bend time and warp reality to suit her whims, decided to involve a member of our family in her shenanigans and was promptly reduced to a mere mortal?"

Amy nods and I smile brightly at Anya, who looks very aware of the implications but I see no reason not to hammer the point home. "I think her newfound status as a very... _fragile_... shell of her former self is a fair punishment. We can probably just call that a win and move on with our lives. I doubt she got our family involved on purpose." Anya's negative head shaking is impressively vigorous for someone so tied up.

Amy bites her lip and looks like she's waffling indecisively on the idea of letting Anya go. At my raised eyebrow, she huffs quietly. I catch a barely whispered, "All that effort..." and shrug. I assume Faith heard her too since she scrunches up her nose and nods.

"Or not. She's your prisoner, it's your call." I hear what sounds like it might have been a muffled exclamation from Wesley as he renews his attempts to free himself from my grasp. I pause a moment to make sure everything is settled, but when Faith and Amy look at each other and appear to be holding a silent conference, I resume my escape. "Either way, with a new Watcher in town, I'll make sure to keep my phone _nearby._ " Both girls look over and acknowledge my implied request to call me immediately if anyone else from the council arrives. Half carrying, half pushing, I move Wesley back down the front walkway towards the car I don't recognize that's parked on the street in front of my house. Only releasing his jaw once I'm out of the house, with the door is closed and locked behind me. "Come on, Wesley, times-a-wasting." I steadfastly ignore the call of his beating heart, though I find it interesting that while it's easier to ignore now that it's the only one nearby... it is perhaps slightly more difficult to ignore than Alan's was. Maybe it has to do with the level of previous interaction I had with a given person? Hmmm... Doesn't really explain the difference in reaction to Faith vs Buffy or even Harmony though. I wonder-

"You can't seriously expect me to ignore the fact that you're holding some girl prisoner." Wesley's indignation drags me back to the present and I realize we've stopped moving. Apparently the past few moments overwhelmed us both enough that we've just been staring at each other blankly for a moment as we each re-center ourselves and gather our wits. Embarrassingly, it seems he sorted himself out first.

...

Wait... holding a girl prisoner? Didn't- Er... Doesn't Wesley do the same thing a few years from now? I sigh. I'm going to have so much work to do if I want to turn him into something useful. Ah well, thousand miles and single steps, or whatever. "What girl?" I don't even bother waiting for his expression to finish morphing into incredulity before continuing on. "I'm sorry... I was under the impression that your organization didn't consider demons to be people."

"What?"

I smile and shrug. "From what I've gathered, The Watchers Council routinely engages in activities that would pretty clearly be considered genocide if they didn't classify their victims as being inhuman monsters." I make sure to air-quote the monsters part, as I can hardly debate the inhuman bit.

"Ah... You _are_ Mr. Winters then, I presume?" Oh, right, I never introduced myself. How very rude of- wait.

I blink a few times, and then my smile becomes genuine. "Does that mean I have a reputation that precedes me?" A reputation that includes holding the Watchers accountable for their bullshit? "Awesome _! You can tell me all about it in the car, along with the usual nonsense like why you're here, and what the council wants of course._ " My attempt at thralling him starts to slide off some very crude mental defenses. I have a grimace half-formed on face before I find a weak point to exploit. Its not much, but as long as I limit myself to reasonable sounding suggestions I should be fine. "Loose screwjob or not, Mrs. Post painted a very clear picture of you people and I'm not sure I approve of your involvement in my sister's life."

 **-Sunnydale Roadways : A Short Drive Later-**

"Oh come on now, Wesley. An unattached man at your age-"

He actually looks insulted by the insinuation. Finally! A topic that properly distracts him from Anya. "I can assure you, I would never-" I hold up a placating hand to stop him.

"Okay! Okay! Sure, but..." I plaster a broad smile onto my face. "Faith very much _would_." I fight back the urge to frown as I realize that even above and beyond my own possessive nature, this is entirely too true. I'm really going to need to do something to head that off at the pass... I think. Once again, I find myself cursing my current lack of enhanced recall. I know a number of fanfics that father read thought that Wesley and Faith might- but no... Wesley had a thing for Cordelia didn't he? And Lilah Morgan, Fred... B-something, and some sort of thing with Illyria? Maybe? I guess he could have a thing for brunettes... it seems needlessly limiting to me, but some people are like that. Faith's type was less defined in the show, but her crush on Buffy seems to have that side of the equation handled currently.

"Turn left up ahead there." Actually... Hmmm... given her experience with Xander's recent turn at holding the idiot ball, I can't see Cordelia letting her next toyfriend have any opportunities to stray. Yes... that might work out nicely. I'll just have to... erm... well... no. I suppress a shudder. Playing matchmaker is definitely a project best handled by just letting Harmony deal with it.

That settled, I grin at Wesley and try to steer the conversation back to a more pleasant topic. "Now, as amusing as it might be to see you flung out of her bedroom in just, if you're lucky, your underwear when she inevitably got bored with you... I'd really rather not complicate my family's relationship with your council any more than it clearly already is." I resist, for what feels like the umpteenth time, the urge to bang my head against dashboard. I mean... seriously, who could have expected The Watchers Council to react by being reasonable? I glance at my phone sitting in the car's cup-holder and marvel at the lack of any distress calls from the house. I'm not sure if I owe Giles an apology for over or under estimating his abilities in fudging reports. Whatever he told the higher ups appears to have convinced them to 'gift' me with an 'observer' and let me try to 'prove myself.' Granted, I'd much prefer such reports had never needed to be filed at all, but C'est la vie- unvie... C'est la mort? Oh, whatever.

"This is us on right." As Wesley stops the car in front of the old abandoned mansion on Crawford Street, I can feel what I assume is Warden Liam start pacing around inside. Good, he's awake. "Come on, I'll introduce you to The Warden and his prisoner."

I ignore Wesley while he makes another attempt at protesting his involvement in my errands, simply smiling politely and staring at him until he sighs and starts getting out of the car. Glancing at my phone one last time before grabbing it, it looks like it's taking less and less time for him to acknowledge reality. This is very promising. I may manage to turn him into his useful older self ahead of schedule.

Walking up to the front door of the mansion I unlock-

...

My key doesn't work. Damn.

Then again, I suppose changing the locks isn't an unreasonable reaction to being kidnapped. Even if all I did was heal him.

I can feel him standing on the other side of the living room area beyond the door only 20-30 feet away. He doesn't seem inclined to answer the door however.

...I know he can hear us standing out here. I try banging on the door. "Gramps! Open-" The creaking sound of wood is my only real warning before the door starts to splinter under my fist. I stop knocking, reminded that Heinrich's blood was expected to noticeably increase my base strength. I shrug sheepishly at Wesley, and add in an equally sheepish, "Oops?" for Liam's benefit.

Fortunately, it seems to do the trick as I can feel Liam approaching the door.

I wait patiently for him to unlock and open the door. "What do you want, Jack?" He sounds... resigned. We may have interrupted him mid brooding session. It's not exactly an odd tone coming from him but, given how close we are to Christmas, I make a mental note to confirm he's not seeing ghosts before I start discussing anything important.

"Good morning, Warden. I was hoping we could talk about my mother for a bit." Instead of responding, Liam glances over at Wesley. "Oh! This is Wesley, the newly arrived Watcher in town... well, allegedly. Faith is calling Giles to confirm, which is why I'm dragging him along for my errands until his story passes scrutiny." I turn to Wesley and gesture at Liam. "Wesley, this is Warden Liam." Since this next part seems to confuse people, I make sure to exaggeratedly point at him again before continuing. "And this is his son and prisoner, Angelus. They are my great-grandfather and grandsire respectively, but I'd appreciate it if this could be the last we speak of the prisoner seeing as he's currently in time out on account of trying to end the world and even acknowledging his existence out loud is sort of a violation of his stint in solitary confinement."

...

Okay, now I'm confused. Why are they both just staring at me like that?


	73. Interlude 14A – Insert Brooding Here

**Interlude 14A – Insert Brooding Here**

***Angel POV***

 **-Sunnydale – Crawford Street Mansion : Friday Morning-**

I'm sitting in the great room. I'm in the only armchair to survive my time away, staring into the fireplace as the embers burn down. Mulling over the events of the past week...

Even after spending a century in a hell dimension, which definitely puts things somewhat in perspective... it's been a very... strange... week.

Buffy's friends all found out that I'm still alive... and all took it about as well as expected. Which is to say, not very well at all with the obvious exception of Faith and Willow who both already knew.

Faith... whose brother is a vampire... No wonder why she gets so defensive of Buffy around me, I helped Drusilla turn her brother into a monster.

Her brother is, by all accounts... Jack simply shouldn't be possible. A vampire that can walk around in the daylight. With a heart that still beats, and who doesn't dust when staked... though given how quickly he regenerates in general, that last part might not be as surprising if not for the fact that he often just leaves the stake in. _That_ shouldn't be possible.

But neither should his blood have healed me, and definitely not in the incredibly selective way that my recovery went. Given his obvious skill with strength amplification, perhaps he learned some manner of magic that enhances vampire healing or keeps him alive when staked?

Except I don't recall his blood tasting nearly strongly enough of magic for that to be possible.

...

I sigh, and then get up to put another log on the fire before I go pull a bag of pig's blood out of the fridge. I'm no closer to making sense of all this than I was at the start of the week.

I stare the bag with a grimace. Last year, before... before everything went wrong... I had mostly trained myself to ignore the foul taste. But now, with fresh memories of human blood and the horrific things I did...

I bite into the bag and drink deeply. Even with my disjointed memories of the past century, spent hunting the demonic creatures native to that hellish in a nearly mindless frenzy world under the merciless glare of a red hued sun... I'm fairly certain pig's blood is a special brand of foul.

I force myself to swallow. This is what I deserve for the things I've done. Tossing the remnants onto the fire, I take another look over the notes Buffy brought me from Giles.

I've only been able to add a few observations of my own, and even then, nothing substantial beyond, 'able to keep Spike in line.' I suppose that's an impressive feat in and of itself, but being willing to hang around with a vampire like Spike isn't exactly a ringing endorsement for his moral fiber, survival instincts, or sanity. Then again, trying to puzzle out Jack is at least as infuriating as dealing with Spike.

Attempting to follow Jack around to watch him has been an exercise in frustration since he can walk around in the sunlight. That he doesn't seem to be that active at night is simply another oddity for a newly turned vampire. If Willow was right about Oz crashing there this past full moon, then I really need to find a way to contact him, see what he can remember of that lab. What does Jack _do_ down there to make the place smell like that? How does it not bother him?

I know the cave system connects to the house's basement, but given how much those caves twist around on themselves, I can't rely on being able to stay outside the range of our bloodline bond which would tip him off.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear... I start to feel another vampire of my line _somewhere_ nearby.

Getting up and pacing the length of the mansion doesn't get me any more information, but I can hear a car pull up in front of the house.

... Jack must be outside.

The presence feels... different... older..? maybe? today, but- "Come on, I'll introduce you to The Warden and his prisoner." That's definitely his voice out there. He doesn't sound hostile, so perhaps I can get some answers out of him. I pull the sword I've taken to keeping over the mantle down just the same.

Another voice answers him, protesting that his involvement is hardly necessary. I don't recognize the voice, but he sounds English. The accent would place him as being from the same general region as Giles actually, although he sounds much younger.

I can hear a key scraping against the new locks I put in on the door and allow myself a brief smile as I hear him sigh in annoyance.

It's a short lived amusement, as he promptly begins banging on the door loud enough to wake the neighbors. "Gramps!" Must he and Faith call me that? "Open-" One of the door's panels starts to splinter under his fist. His point that he can simply break my door down made, he finally stops pounding on it. I can practically hear Jack shrugging as he blithely comments, "Oops?" out on the front landing.

I take a deep, calming breath as I head over to towards the door.

Keeping the sword hidden behind the door as I open it, I find Jack accompanied by a man in suit. "What do you want, Jack?" I can't quite place my finger on what it is, but there's something different about him.

"Good morning, Warden. I was hoping we could talk about my mother for a bit." His mother? Ah, he must mean Drusilla. I shoot a questioning look at the man accompanying him. "Oh! This is Wesley, the newly arrived Watcher in town... well, allegedly. Faith is calling Giles to confirm, which is why I'm dragging him along for my errands until his story passes scrutiny." Ah... that explains the accent. "Wesley, this is Warden Liam." Jack then proceeds to point at me again. "And this is his son and prisoner, Angelus. They are my great-grandfather and grandsire respectively, but I'd appreciate it if this could be the last we speak of the prisoner seeing as he's currently in timeout on account of trying to end the world and even acknowledging his existence out loud is sort of a violation of his stint in solitary confinement."

...

What? Son? Timeout? Jack and I stare at each other with confusion mirrored on our faces.

"...What?" All three of us ask at once.

"Angelus is not-" I start to protest, but trail off as I notice that Wesley's heart rate is beginning to pick up as he starts to check his pockets. The scent of fear begins to waft off of- Wait... Heart rate?

 _...That's_ what's been bothering me. That strangely slow and steady heartbeat of Jack's is missing. "Of course he is. You-"

I cut him off. "Your heart stopped beating."

"Hmm?" Jack holds a hand to his chest. "Why..? Oh, right... Willow staked me later today. It'll be awhile before I can get my heart ticking again." He just shrugs it off, as if being staked is... Then again, Buffy says she's staked him a few times now so I suppose that for him- wait.

Staked him... later today? "You're going to have to explain that last-"

I cut off as I realize that the new- that Wesley is staring at me with the usual horrified expression, having just shouted my name in a rather squeaky tone. I sigh as he fumbles a cross out of his pocket. Here we go-

"Oh, for fucks sake, Roger!" I blink as Jack rounds on the Watcher, suddenly looking annoyed.

... didn't he say his name was Wesley?

Whatever his name is, I take a step back away from the searing power of faith when the Watcher holds up the cross. I'm about to take a second step back when Jack rips the cross out of the Watcher's hand and raps him on the forehead with it- Wait, isn't that the gauntlet Buffy said she and Faith were looking for last week? Why does Jack have it now?

"What are you doing!? That's Angelus!" He tries to back away but Jack grabs him by his suit and holds him in place.

"No! I just told you, _that_ is Warden Liam. Gods, what part of, 'no more mentioning his prisoner,' is so buggerfucking difficult to grasp?" Jack stares at the Watcher balefully for a moment before turning and pulling him into the house behind him. "Does Giles include _nothing_ in his reports?"

I suppose I may as well get this over with. "...Why don't you both come on in?"

Jack looks at me and smiles briefly despite the intentional lack of enthusiasm in my tone. "Nice sword. Heirloom? Or is it one of the ones from Giles' collection?" he asks, before apparently dismissing its existence and turning to forcibly shove the Watcher into my armchair. He points a gauntleted finger at him, shaking it at him as he speaks. "Sit. Stay. Good boy." He turns back to me and sighs heavily. "Right. Sorry about all that, Roger is still a bit new to field work."

I raise an eyebrow at Jack. Willow seemed pretty sure that the detail work of what Jack says is usually important. "Didn't you say his name was Wesley?"

"It is! I'm _Wesley_ Wynd-" His mouth clamps shut when Jack looks over at him.

"Yeah." Jack begins, still staring at the new Watcher. "Roger is his father's name, but I'm going to continue calling him by it until he stops calling you..." Jack sighs angrily. " _The prisoner_ is no more you, than he," he points to the Watcher, "is _his_ father. And thank the gods on both accounts, by the by."

"My father is a great-" He cuts off again as Jack slides into gameface.

"Your father helps run the Watchers Council. Which makes him not just an ordinary, run of the mill, racist douche canoe, but a leader amongst them!" Jack rubs his face and takes a deep breath, muttering what sounds like numbers for a moment before pulling in his fangs and continuing. "Sorry. I'm trying not to be so- ...I've had a _very_ long day. My family had a run in with Anyanka this morning."

"Ah..." I wince in unexpected sympathy.

"You've heard of her?" Jack sounds genuinely surprised.

"Darla was..." What's a polite to put this? "a... uh... _fan_ of her work."

"Oh, _of course_ she was." Jack rolls his eyes and gives a derisive snort.

"Excuse me, but are you talking about the vengeance demon Anyanka?" Jack and I both look over at the Watcher who's heart rate is slowly calming down.

"...Yes?"

"You have a millennia old demon tied up in your living room?"

"No..?"

"So you have a different vengeance demon tied up in your living room?"

"Oh. No, she's _that_ Anyanka, but she's just a regular vanilla mort- err... I'm pretty sure we broke her amulet and made her human again." His eyes widen slightly as he digs a cell phone out of his pocket. "One moment please, I suddenly feel a _very_ strong need to verify that." He starts tapping away on the phone keyboard before putting it down on the table and staring at it for a moment before carefully pushing one last button. "There we go. I can't imagine her letting the girl's tie her up like that if she still had her powers, but still... better safe than sorry."

Jack stands there, continuing to glance at his phone as if willing it to answer him. He looks... tense. Considering the topic, that's understandable but, thinking back on it though... he's looked that way, to some extent, since he arrived.

The house goes quiet except for Wesley's heartbeat and the low hum of the electrics and... A scratching noise? Ah. Wesley's pulled out a small notepad and pencil and appears to be taking notes while watching us. I look over at Jack who doesn't seem to mind.

"Sort of, yeah... but, I should probably rewind a bit first. It's generally better to start at the beginning of a story..." He shrugs broadly and looks a little lost. "Not that I really know where the beginning of the story is at this point." He rubs the back of his head and stares off into space for a moment with a thoughtful expression. "Okay. You know how drinking blood induces sobriety? Well, and helps with toxins in general, really?" He stares at me until I nod before continuing. "Well, it turns out that Sires' Blood has a similar effect on mental compulsions and the like."

...Sires' Blood? "Drusilla's back in town!?" Crap. "I have to warn Buffy-"

"What? No! Why would you even- oh." Jack snorts. "No. I used some of yours and..." Jack trails off with a frown, muttering to himself. "Which given your age, may have just exacerbated the problem now that I think about it."

"...Fascinating..." Wesley's voice cuts in. I'm surprised to find him staring at me instead of Jack. Though I'm not sure a human could even hear that Jack was muttering, let alone make out what he said. "You know Miss Summers? Are you one of these civilians that I'm told work with her?" he asks.

...

I find the equally baffled look Jack and I share to be mildly comforting before we both turn towards Wesley. I glance back over at Jack who does the same at me with an eyebrow raised before he starts to laugh. "Oh that's just priceless. I definitely owe Giles a bottle of scotch or something for this." He holds up his hands, palms out. "My questions can wait a few minutes while you figure out how to answer _that_..." He shakes his head as he turns away and heads off towards the kitchen.

"I gather I'm missing something important?"

All of Buffy's concerns about the Watchers Council killing off slayers that don't fit their mold start flashing through my mind as I stare at Wesley. I debate dodging the question, but trying to keep things secret doesn't seem to work around here, and given his current mood on the topic, I'm sure Xander would manage to let it slip anyway. "...Buffy and I-"

"WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK!?" Wesley's head whips around to face the kitchen at Jack's outraged shout. I try to keep my sigh of relief at the distraction inaudible, a feat made easier by Jack's loud stomping and continued angry grumbling approaching from the kitchen. " _Why!?"_ Jack practically shouts as he slams open the kitchen door and holds up my bag from the butcher's shop. "Why is there fucking _pig's blood_ in your fridge?" He sounds personally offended. "The fuck happened to the blood I got you from the hospital?"

My attempt at explaining that drinking human blood makes me uncomfortable, that it reminds me too much of the things I did in the past, gets interrupted by Wesley. "Terribly sorry to interrupt, but did you just say you're stealing blood from a hospital?"

"...No." Jack doesn't even bother to look at Wesley in favor of glaring at me while holding up the butcher shop's bag and shaking it.

"But-"

"No." Jack repeats, finally turning his annoyed look on Wesley. "I work there, I get paid... Although... I suppose it's a fair question, since I did wind up helping Frank, he's the head of hospital security, stop a bunch of fledges from stealing the Red Cross delivery van once. So I assume it happens from time to time. Probably very often now that you mention it, if the rate the hospital blood transport coolers go missing is any indication." Jack shrugs at Wesley before turning and staring at me expectantly again. "All I was said was that I had Faith bring him some blood in one of those coolers. Now I can't find any of it, or the cooler."

"I got rid of it."

...

Jack starts massaging his temples. "You... got... of course you did. How could I possibly have forgotten that you _enjoy_ being miserable." Jack leans against the door frame and begins banging his head against it. "Why. Is. My. Entire. Family- " The doorframe cracks loudly as his forehead connects with it for the sixth time. Jack staggers a half step back and looks around. "...oops. I really need to get a handle on this whole suddenly being stronger thing." Rubbing his forehead and groaning, he focuses back on me again. "Where was I? Oh yeah, my family is all buggerfucking insane! And wasteful! There are starving children in Africa, and here you are throwing away perfectly good food."

"I don't eat people."

"You're not. It's _donated_ blood. How is it any different than- Oh, gods," Jack shudders, his expression horrified, "I'm _related_ to a _vegan_." I'm not certain what that is, but I suspect he means it to be insulting given the way he said it. Jack continues talking before I can ask about it though, "We need a new topic... anything other than- Oh, the other you mentioned something he called a Renfield, but I didn't get a chance to ask him what that meant."

Renfield? If Drusilla made another...

...

I look at Jack. Now that he mentions it, "that... would explain... a lot, actu- ...Other me?"

"Yeah, in the alternate- Right, I never got around to that part. So... remember how I said that my day started with a run in with Anyanka? She did some sort of temporal fold and left me stranded in an alternate timeline where Heinrich Nest killed Buffy in the caves and was trying to take over Sunnydale. I've already lived today once, and it was... interesting in the Chinese curse sense."

"...Fascinating..." Jack looks over at Wesley again, who I can hear scribbling down notes furiously. "Temporal folds on that scale are exceedingly rare."

"How would you know?"

"What?"

"How would you know they were rare?" Jack's phone makes a beeping noise on the mantle, and he walks over to it without taking his eyes off Wesley. "Wouldn't everyone's memories be changed so no one would know anything had changed?"

"Well, you see, it's..."

Tuning out Jack and Wesley's debate as best I can, I try to remember what I can about Drusilla's efforts to recreate Dracula's work. Little of substance comes to mind, considering the only thing they all had in common was a single-minded obsession with completing their 'mission.'

...

Who could Dru have left him here to kill? Probably not the new watcher, or he'd already be dead. No sense in taking chances though. "Wesley... don't make any sudden movements."

Wesley stiffens in his seat, eyes widening as he starts looking around. "What is it? Is it dangerous?" Jack looks up from his phone, with a puzzled expression. He glances from me to Wesley and back again a few times curiously.

"Dru's Renfields all tended to self destruct, killing themselves in the process of dealing with whatever target had annoyed her recently." Come to think of it, I don't remember any of them lasting as long as Willow says Jack has been in town. I always assumed that was why Dru got bored with making them. But even if not, that still most likely rules out Buffy or her friends as the subject of Dru's plan.

Jack... nods happily? "That's about as far as the other you got in his explanation. Fortunately or unfortunately, and I'm not really sure which, on that whole self-destruct front I've been there, done that, and ruined... I think it was _three_ good shirts along the way. But yeah, to continue your analogy, I do sort of feel... like..." Jack pauses, looking thoughtful. "Like a kamikaze pilot who miraculously survived crashing his plane into a battleship." Jack nods happily again.

"Crashed into a battleship? So... you already completed the mission Dru left in your head?"

"What? Mission? I meant that Heinrich never even saw me coming. But there seem to have been... side effects... from drinking his blood. I was sort of hoping you'd have advice on how to handle them."

"...Fascinating..." Wesley's notebook makes another appearance.

"You like that word, don't you?"

"What? Oh. Well it is!"

I interject before Wesley and Jack can wander off down another tangent. "You were saying you wanted advice about the side effects?"

"Yeah... I seem to have underestimated how much of an effect Mother's nattering on in the back of my head was having on me. It's just frustrating, you know? I mean, I don't really miss the stuff like the migraines I used to get whenever I contemplated moving out of Sunnydale, but she was apparently suppressing a lot of incredibly idiotic impulses in the process. Suddenly I find myself having to deal with them all on my own, and I thought you might have some advice since you're the only person around here I can think of that's been in a similar boat."

I look over at the large crack in the kitchen doorway frame. "I'm not quite sure what you mean but, as a starting point, I'd suggest that you might want to avoid smashing your head into walls. I think I'm going to need you to explain what exactly it is you mean before I can offer anything."

I sigh as Wesley interjects again, derailing my attempts to get useful answers. "Just to clarify, you're saying that Drusilla the M-" Wesley pauses for a short moment as Jack's focus shifts to him with an eyebrow raised. "That Drusilla used compulsion effects to force you to stay in Sunnydale so that you could kill this alternate timeline version of Heinrich Nest?" Wesley sounds doubtful, which I can't blame him for. That plan... seems incredibly convoluted and strange even for Dru.

"Oh, no... Nothing of that sort." Jack shrugs. "From what William told me, I think I managed to fall off her radar back around that time I shacked up with Eris. I've wondered for a while now if that's why she sought my father out in the first place, actually. I think it's possible that father may have always been a bit of an outside variable in regards to her ability to predict the future. In the sense that he, and as a result I, could change what she couldn't. But I don't really know and, to be honest, Mother was obnoxiously vague about my whole 'mission.' So really, it's anyone's guess what she meant for me do since I can't exactly ask her what she thought was going to happen. About the only things I can say for certain is that she apparently expected that I would to need to be able to keep a level head."

Keep a level head? I'm not sure that's how I would describe you, Jack. "Ah. Now this William... is that William as in William the Bloody?"

"Yeah."

"And do you typically associate with such... colorful characters?" And here we go off on a tangent anyway. Though I suppose I wouldn't mind hearing just what it was Jack thought he was doing bringing Spike into Buffy's house.

Jack shrugs. "Sure. When they're family. He's a _terrible_ houseguest though."

"How is he... " I go to wave Wesley off, since Buffy already explained this one, but he's already trailed off on his own before I have my hand up. "You..." He squeaks before clearing his throat and trying again. "You invited William the Bloody into your home?"

"Yeah. Of course- Well... no _I_ didn't, I can't. One of the girls had to do that. Which, while we're on the topic, is really incredibly rude of the universe that it won't let me invite people into my own home. Still... for all their foibles, thresholds are pretty great on average. Gods, it felt like I was staking a fledge or four every night back when I was crashing here last spring."

Wesley, sounding more than a bit stunned, tries again. "You let William the Bloody, the Slayer of Slayers, into your home? A home you currently share with my Slayer?"

Jack's sudden and complete stillness would have been alarming even if I couldn't see his eyes yellow slightly and fangs start to extend. For the first time that I've seen, the look in Jack's eyes starts to match the description Willow gave me of watching him fight. I shift my grip on the sword and get ready to intercede if he goes for Wesley but, as he did before, he takes a deep breath in and starts counting or something. This time however his fangs remain out when he finally turns to Wesley.

Staring at Wesley, Jack speaks slowly and quietly. _"_ _My_ sister is not _your_ anything _."_ Hmmm... His voice... there's an odd tone to it. It reminds me a bit of the way Dru's voice sounds when she spoke in her sing-song manner after having a vision or when trying to hypnotize someone.

But rather than getting that relaxed and dazed expression of someone who's mind has been overpowered, Wesley's heart starts racing again as he swallows and nods slowly.

Jack nods his head back at him once and then pulls in his fangs. "Good. I'm glad we understand each other. But to answer your question," Jack smiles, "yes. I let _my brother_ crash on my couch. Maybe England is different, but here in Sunnydale we look out for our family. Even if they are, and I'm quoting Faith here, kind of a doofus."

If that's the impression Faith got of Spike... "How _did_ you get _Spike_ of all people to... behave himself?"

"Mostly I just let him stay drunker than a distillery." Jack grins at me. "Of course, letting him watch me beat the utter tar out of his Grandsire with a door and then survive a Slayer staking me for it probably didn't hurt either. He required surprisingly little persuasion to keep on his best behavior after that."

"So that's true as well then? The council was very skeptical about Mr. Giles' reports on that."

"Giles' reports bothered to mention how drunk he was?"

"Yes, actually. But I was inquiring about your alleged immunity to stakes."

Jack shrugs. "They sting a bit, and I certainly wouldn't recommend you try one yourself since I tend to react violently to it. But no, I don't dust when staked. Not unless the umpteenth time somehow happens to be the charm or... Huh, are there any demons that take that saying about cats having nine lives and do it literally? Should I be concerned that I would probably be on my eighth life already?"

"Not that I am aware of, no."

I hold my hand out to Wesley, pointing at his notebook. "Can I see that?"

"Oh, yes, I suppose."

Skimming over Wesley's notes, I get the distinct impression that his discussions with Jack have been at least as meandering as Spike's drunken wanderings. Trying to steer the conversation back to a more productive topic than cat myths... "So, you don't have any idea what Drusilla intended for you to do here in Sunnydale? Just that she expected you to keep a level head." I try not to let my imagination run wild with horrifying things Dru could have been planning. Things that I'd have helped her do, just like I helped her turn this boy into a monster.

"Huh? Oh... no, not really." Jack shrugs. "And I mean, I think the level headed part is obvious. In retrospect I probably should have wondered _why_ I was different instead of just accepting it."

"Different?" Wesley asks as he reaches out to take his notebook back. "Different how?"

"Have you ever met a fledgling vampire? They make squirrels look like brilliant strategists with the patience of saints." That tenseness to Jack that's been present since he arrived starts to melt away as he talks. Hand gestures starting to accompany his words as he begins what can only be called a rant. "You know, I always just assumed that someone kept turning morons. Low hanging fruit and all that." Jack starts pacing back and forth. "Without Mother's programming helping to filter out the impulses though, I'm starting to think it might just be sensory overload driving them all to distraction." He stops pacing and points at Wesley. "I can't _not_ hear your heartbeat. I mean, I've always heard them, but I used to be able to just ignore them without really thinking about it. Now? It's like someone is playing a drum in my head. How do you ignore that?" Turning to stare at me with his arms up and out to his sides in a warding gesture, an annoyed expression on his face, he adds; "And don't even get me started about Buffy."

"What about Buffy?" I try to keep my voice casual, but Jack eye's flicker to my sword arm's reflexively tightened grip.

Instead of becoming hostile though, Jack just sighs and rubs his face. "I feel like... Mother dammed off a river but only built temporary walls to redirect the water that got backed up. The past few months let the water erode the paths into the ground, but now that I've accidentally broken the dam and knocked down all those walls... water is going all sorts of places it shouldn't. Or maybe it _should_ , but I don't _want_ it to because... because I _liked_ the way things were."

"What does that have to do with _Buffy_?"

Jack fidgets in place for a moment before answering my question. "It's embarrassing."

Or rather, _not_ answering my question. "What?"

Jack sighs. "It's annoying, and distracting, and I hate being able to empathize now with the idiots that attack her in cemeteries even though they _know_ the slayer is a tiny blonde girl and they should really just run away. I really liked it a _lot_ better when the sum total of my opinion of Buffy was that she was a stereotypical blonde with the added _fun_ of a being a violent psycho." He pauses, tugging on his hair and looking stressed. "I still think she's ten pounds of crazy in a five pound bag but... she smells... _good_ now and she didn't yesterday, so I know Mother had a hand in blocking that bit of sensory input. I can only assume it was so that I could keep my eye on the overall goal but-"

"Overall goal? I thought you didn't know what Drusilla wanted you to do?"

"Huh? No... I know _what_ she wanted me to do, but I haven't the foggiest _how_ she expected me to manage it. I mean, talk about vague and unreasonable demands: I was supposed to keep William from letting himself burn up in the sunshine or something like that, but there was no instructions or explain-"

"Hold on. Dru thought Spike was going to commit suicide?"

"I haven't the foggiest what she was thinking, but that's certainly what it sounded like whenever she got done rambling on about it in my head. To be fair though, being in a relationship with Buffy is liable to drive anyone off their rocker."

Put that way, I suppose it's actually impressive that Dru didn't drive Spike to it decades ago. "Yeah, Dru can be a handful-" I stare at Jack in openmouthed horror as what he actually said sinks in. " _Buffy_... and _Spike_!?"

"I know, right!? Who'd-ah thunk it? I mean, aside from Mother, obviously... and _maybe_ Dawn."


	74. Interlude 14B – Gag Me With a Spork

**Interlude 14B – Gag Me With a Spork**

***POV Faith***

 **-Winters Residence : Friday Morning-**

Ames and I glance at each other. "After all that effort we put in to catching her..."

Yeah. I guess... I mean... I look at the prisoner. I s'pose Harms did most of the work, really. She hasn't even tried to escape either, just sort of whined a lot on the way here.

Jack shrugs at us. "Or not. She's your prisoner, it's your call."

I look over and see Ames looking back at me with an eyebrow raised, making her 'what do we do?' face.

I shrug; it's not like making me miss some of Harms's story about Red and Cordy gettin kinky is really a crime. Rude though. Might wanna add something about that to the house rules.

The short moment of awkward silence as everyone looks at each other is interrupted by a ringing noise.

Jack takes this as his cue to leave, shoving the new guy out the door. "Either way, with a new Watcher in town, I'll make sure to keep my phone nearby." The door clicks shut loudly behind him.

"Woah! No. No moving on! No calling it a win! She still hasn't explained why my sister got dragged into..." B makes a face, "...suckworld"

Wait... Ringing noise? Again?

"Suck- _land,_ " Dawn corrects.

Oh, right... I was calling Giles. I could hang up and wait til after we sort out Anya... Nah, may as well get this over with.

"Seriously? We're still calling it that?"

I stick a finger in my ear and try to ignore the argument breaking out nearby. I only have to wait for a few rings before I hear Giles pick up. "Sunnydale High Librar-"

"Yo, G!"

"...Hello, Faith... Would I be correct in assuming that Buffy is with you?"

Here we go... "Yeah, B is here." She looks over at me when she hears her name. "We wanted to ask you if this new Watcheh guy is for real?"

G-man sighs. "Yes, I called the council personally to make sure there hadn't been some sort of mistake."

"Oh... that's cool." G doesn't seem happy about it though. "You five by five? You sound annoyed about somethin."

"What!? Is Giles okay?" B asks, suddenly right next to me.

"I can't possibly imagine what that might be, seeing as thus far all that's happened today has been a newly graduated Watcher arriving to chastise me for my 'undue attachment' to my Slayers and then finding out that said Slayers are unexpectedly absent."

...

I shrug at B. "I think he just said he's fine? Don't seem to like the new guy tho."

"Is he being all British-y about it?"

"Yah." I roll my eyes at her.

"You do both realize I can still hear you, yes?"

B smiles, leans in and opens her mouth..? "Hi Giles."

Oh, right... Damn it. I pull back a bit. "I dunno G-man, they say the hearin is-"

...

"Willow!" B's shout cuts off my attempt at playin it cool, as she rushes off to help Dawn stop Red from gettin up off the couch.

"Sorry G, gotta motor; Looks like Red's wakin back up." I hang up the phone and join the other girls by the couch.

"Wha- where? ...How did we get to Jack's house? What's going on?"

"Don't get up. It's okay. We brought you here after... somebody," she stares at me, "punched you in the face hard enough to give you a concussion."

Ames laughs. "Actually, I'm pretty sure Faith cracked her skull." Hold up, I did what now?

Red squeaks out a high pitched, "What!?" and starts running her hands along her face as if tryin to find broken pieces.

"Oh, relax... You're fine; We used some of Jack's green goop to-."Ames cuts off as her phone starts ringing. "Hang on, guys."

Ames takes out her phone and then stares at it for a moment. Why does she looks so confused?

And why is B staring at me? She's making a funny face and... nodding her head at Red? What does she- oh… fine... I kneel on the couch on her other side, and lean forward. "Hey, Red..." I wait for her to look at me. "Sorry about earlier. I didn't- I thought you had blown up my brother."

Ames finally shrugs and just answers the call. "...Hello?"

"What are you talking about? How would I-" She stops and her eyes get real big. "JERK BLEW UP!?"

...

I ball up a fist to hold in front of her face. "The fuck do you sound so happy bout that for?" B sighs, pushing my arm back down.

"Seriously, guys?" Ames asks, holding the phone away from her ear. She glares over at us and I can almost make out the voice shouting on the other side.

Red and I both protest. "I'm not-"

"No," Ames says loudly, pointing at each of us with her other hand, before putting the phone back to her ear. Still glaring at us all, she tells whoever called, "Jack didn't blow up, he just spontaneously caught fire…"

"He caught fire?" Red whispers, not sounding at all concerned.

Buffy smiles and nods her head happily.

Dawn and I glance at each other from opposite ends of the couch before each reaching out and smacking one of them. "Gawd!" Dawn hisses. "Don't be such..."

Ames sighs "Yup. A...gain…" Wait, who is Ames talkin to? She sounds like Giles does when B and I are talkin bout boys and shit.

Dawn stares at me with her concerned face. "...did she just say again? Jack's been lit on fire before?"

"Yeah?" I shrug. "Shit happens sometimes. Well... it happens less now that we have rules bout Ames usin the stove in the mornin."

Ames laughs. "I know, right!? And then! Then he vanishes with a loud pop and we all thought he was banished or something."

While Red's eyes go even wider, Dawn reaches past her to smack B again.

"What'd she do?" I ask as B's head whips around to glare at Dawn.

"Nothing..." Dawn smiles. "But she was _thinking_ it."

Ames snorts. "He's Jack, of course he's fine."

"What did I… wait… why is that girl tied up? Is that An-"

Red trails off, as we all hear Ames say, "Oh, shit!" pretty loudly.

All four of us turn back to look over the back of the couch in time to see her smack her forehead and groan. "I'm really sorry, Joyce. Buff-"

Oh... Okay. "Hi, Momma S!" Ames shushes me.

"Buffy and Dawn are both here. They're fine..."

Dawn giggles. "She really is the mom here isn't she?"

The mom around here? I look at Ames for a moment. "Uh... sure?" I shrug. "I mean, I guess so?" Sure as shit ain't me.

"Yeah, that's our bad, Harmony was supposed to call you but- No, not important. I'm sorry, they're fine, they're safe, no one is actually sick. We all just decided to give school a miss after Jack went human torch..."

"Anyway, that chick is the bitch that-"

 _"_ _Dawn!"_ B yells, not even noticing Ames glare and point at her while she stares at Dawn around Red's head.

" _What?"_ Dawn hisses, glaring right back with her hands on her hips. " _She_ sent me to _suckland_. I am allowed to be angry at her."

"What in the huh?" Red asks, staring at us all like we're crazy.

Dawn laughs. "Yeah, that's what Harmony and I call the other world."

Red doesn't look like that answer helped her out any. "...Other world?"

"Uh huh, okay, sure, no problem." Ames takes the phone away from her ear and looks over at us. " _Oh… Buffy…_ your _mother_ would like to _talk_ to you…"

"Ha!" Laugh at my brother catchin fire will you!? I grin as wide as I can at her as she reaches out for the phone. _"_ _Somebody's in trouble,"_ I singsong.

Dawn snorts. "You are such a child."

I stick my tongue out at her, and she does the same.

"No, really, what other world?"

Dawn groans and starts to explain.

 **-Winters Residence : One Brief Explanation Later-**

"You grounded?" I ask as B flops back down on the couch between Dawn and I.

"No. Mom just got a little freaked when the school called to ask her where Dawn was."

Ames groans. "Yeah... Apparently Harmony never called the middle school because she thought Dawn was a freshman. Speaking of Joyce though..." Ames glances at the bathroom door, making a face. "When is she coming to pick you three up?"

I snort. Pretty sure she means, 'When is Red gettin the fuck out of my house.'

Ames turns back to us and forces a smile onto her face. "Or is Dawn staying the night?"

"Oh!" Dawn shouts, jumping up off the couch and bouncing in place. "Yes, please!"

" _No_." B reaches out to grab her but she backs away. "Dawn is not staying the night."

"Says you!"

"Says _Mom_. She's coming to pick us up after work."

"But Amy just said I could stay. I'll call Mom back and ask."

Ames opens her mouth, but then closes it again and just rolls her eyes. Shaking her head and then massaging her temples, she starts walking towards the kitchen.

"Dawn. No." Buffy throws her hands up as Dawn fishes my phone out of my back pocket. "You are not spending the night in a house with a _vampire!"_

...

Really? Did she just... "What the shit, B!?"

There's a loud bang. "Did _you_ just..." Ames is stopped halfway through the kitchen doorway, pressing the door open against the wall as she leans on it. "You," Ames points at B, "of all people- Ah, fuck it." She throws her hands up and stomps into the kitchen. "There is too much blood in my caffeine stream for this."

B stares after Ames for a moment before looking at me. "What?"

"Are you shittin me? _'_ _What?'_ We were doin good. We were gettin along like we used'ta. Now you're insultin my brother again!? He ain't even here."

"He is not your brother, Faith! "

"Yeah, he is!"

"No. Not anymore. He's the thing wearing your dead brother like a suit."

"Gah!" That again!? "The hell is it with you people an' sayin that? _Jack_ is my brother, not his dad."

"He's not your- wait, what in the huh?"

...

"Jack's dad? So fuckin what if he ain't him?"

...

B's face imitates a fishy for a bit.

"Gawd!" Dawns voice cuts in. "You two are just so... so terrible at this." I look over to see Dawn standing near the kitchen door, dragging a hand down her face. When did she go over there? "Seriously, It's not hard. Faith's brother _is_ the vampire _."_

"What? No." B looks at me. "No." I just smile. "...What in the huh..?"

"Remember," Dawn holds up her hands, "this is the guy that thinks that loony toon Drusilla is his _mother_."

"But how..." B suddenly looks like someone kicked her puppy. "Kendra."

"...Yeah." _Awkward..._ I look back over at Dawn.

"Now, are you two idiots done fighting? Cause Amy wants to order pizza."

B and I look at each other. " _Fine_. We're done fighting."

 **\- Winters Residence : A Few Arguments Over Toppings Later-**

"Fuck! You! Fuck you in the neck with a rusty- Hey, who paused?"

"Me." Ames tosses her controller down on the couch and pulls out her phone. "Got a text from Jack... aww..." Ames huffs. "Damn it."

Uh oh. "What's wrong?"

"Huh?" Ames blinks at me for a moment.. "Oh, nothing. Jack's just letting me know he got a new cell phone, but he also wants to know if we knew we've been paying Harmony's cell phone bill." She laughs. "So... who had three weeks in the pool?"

"Damn... I had three months."

The couch shifts under me as Dawn, "OOOH! I had 'a month,' does that count?"

"Yeah, pretty sure that's closest." Ames walks over to that shelf thing over the fireplace and grabs the money. "Here you go."

"Dawn! You're gambling now?" B sounds so surprised, I can't keep myself from laughin.

"...No..?" she tries, soundin all hopeful and shit. Eeesh. I've really gotta work on her poker face.

"... _Dawn_..."

"Oh my gawd, fine. Yes, _mother_."

"Oh come on! I am not _that_ bad."

"I dunno B," I shrug, "you did just do a pretty good momma S impression."

"Yeah? Well... You can... Shut up!" B huffs, glarin at me for a moment before sighing. "How much did you win?"

"Sixty bucks."

"Sixty- Where did you even get the money to bet?"

"Mom. _Duh_. She gave me the money when I placed her bet."

"When was this?"

"Uhhh..." Dawn sits down and looks at us awkwardly. "It was..." Dawn crinkles her nose. "That day we don't talk about." Huh?

"What are-"

"OH!" B shouts over me, her face quickly goin from confused to... grossed out?

"What the hell are you two talkin about?"

I hear "Nothing!" and "Magic" both shouted behind me.

I turn around. Red's still over there chattin with the prisoner. "Not you two," I point my thumb over my shoulder, " _them."_

I watch Red bite off another chunk of a chocolate bar. What is that? Her third? Fourth?

...

I glare at Ames. "Are we seriously going to let her eat _all_ of our chocolate?"

Ames smiles. "Of course not, I'm sure she's sharing it equally with her new friend."

I continue to glare at Ames as I hear, "Oh! Did you want some more?" from behind me. There better still be chocolate left next week. Ames just smiles and winks at me. The hell is she bein so damn weird for? Christ, she was even unwrappin the stuff for them.

"So!" Ames claps her hands. "This day you won't speak of... Was it two weeks ago?"

"Shut up! I'm trying to repress."

Two weeks ago? B's repressing? "Oh! Momma S got laid!"

 _"_ _Ewww. Ewww. Ewww._ Why would you say it?"

"Oh come on, B. Just cause she's gettin it more-"

"Faith!" Dawn makes a retching noise. "Gross!"

B nods in agreement, looking a little green. "How would you like it if we started talking about Jack's sex life?"

Before I can take them up on the offer, Ames coughs loudly. "No thank you. Let's just play Mario Kart, okay?"

"Spoilsport." I grab my controller and look around. "Everyone ready?"

Once everyone nods, Ames unpauses the game.

...

The blue shell that hit me finishes blowing me up.

...right. Forgot about that.

I tap my foot impatiently and wait as my kart slides off the rainbow road. The stupid cloud guy takes forever to put me back down on the track.

Somehow I'm still in first when my kart finally starts moving again. Wicked.

A lap and a half later- "Oh, come on!" The game pauses just as I round the last turn and head towards the finish line.

"Hang on, guys," Ames says, "I got another text. Might be Harmony."

My phone buzzes in my pocket. "Me too."

As I'm pulling out my phone, it buzzes again.

GROUP MESSAGE FROM JACK: Did anyone break Anya's Amulet?

GROUP MESSAGE FROM HARMONY: I have the pizza. omw

"Way to go Harms." Ames snorts. "I'm sure Jack needed to know we ordered pizza. Yup. Totally the answer he was looking for there."

GROUP MESSAGE FROM HARMONY: I broke the amulet.

GROUP MESSAGE FROM JACK: Okay.

GROUP MESSAGE FROM JACK: Thank you.

I pocket my phone and look over at Ames doing the same. "Pizza is on the way."

"I still don't see why we couldn't order a pineapple pizza," B whines.

"Because that's _weird!_ Pineapple on pizzas just ain't natural."

"You let Anya get _anchovies_ on one of them!"

" _Anya_ isn't banned from deciding things," Ames informs her happily.

"Excuse you? How is that... Why am I banned from deciding things?"

"Sorry, B. House Rules."

"You're making that up."

I grin at her. "Hey, Dawnstah? Go read me rule numbah 2 off the list posted by kitchen door would'ja?"

Dawn sighs, and walks over towards the kitchen. "Ahem. When deciding things, Buffy doesn't get a vote. Neither does Willow. Or Xander."

Huh? "Wait, what?" I look at Ames. "Since when did Xander get added to that list?"

Ames taps her chin for a moment and then shrugs. "I think Harmony added him to it after he cheated on Cordelia."

"Yeah, the handwriting looks- hey! What is 'Dawn isn't allowed to go out on Tuesdays?' supposed to mean."

"Nothing, dear, you're very pretty," Ames and I both chorus almost in unison. We stare at each other in surprise for a moment before we both start laughing.

"Really, guys? Really?" Dawn huffs, walking back towards us. "Why do I put up with this?"

I shrug at her. "Cause I'm awesome?"

"Yeah." Dawn rolls her eyes. "That must be it."

B snorts. "I think she just likes stealing your clothes."

I wink at Dawn before turning towards B. "Well what's she supposed to do? Wear your..." I wave my arm in her direction, "... _trendy_ shit? Gag me with a spork."

B reaches over and grabs at me. "You did not just-"

Whatever she was gonna say gets lost as the two of us roll off the couch with a loud thump. Each trying to get the other into a headlock... I've missed this.

...

Was that the you win noise?

B and I stop wrestling. "Did you hear that too?"

"Yeah."

We look up and see Dawn's kart cross the finish line, claiming second place after Ames' first. "That's cheating!"


	75. Part 49 – Going Rate For a Babysitter

**Part 49 – The Going Rate For a Babysitter**

 **-Gramps' House – Sunnydale : Friday Morning-**

The Warden continues muttering quietly to himself. At least I assume it's to himself, he's managing to achieve a volume even I have to strain to hear.

The common theme, unsurprisingly, seems to be variations of, "Buffy... and Spike..."

I choose to believe that it's a good sign that pacing the room has replaced simply staring off into the distance while looking stunned.

"Yeah... yeah... Buffy and Spike." I sigh. Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up?

This conversation stopped being as much fun for me a few loops of The Warden's broken record ago. My initial optimism at finally pulling the trigger and revealing, sort of, the monumentally subjective and not to mention time warping nature of the task Mother had set me... died the loop after that.

It seemed like such a good plan too, at the time anyway. Plant the seeds of misdirection to explain away any future slip ups as just being Mother meddling again, give Liam a goal to focus on, and well... the look on his face was certainly entertaining.

Now... I can't shake the feeling that I really need to buy the man a couch.

Or maybe a second arm chair...

Something.

Anything would be better than my current options really.

Right now I have a very strong urge to flop down and Wesley is currently in the only available place to sit and-

"Buffy... and Spike..." I hear Liam mutter again as he paces by. On the bright side, he seems to be starting to sort himself out, albeit somewhat slower than I'd like.

...Fuck it.

I tip backwards and let myself fall to the floor. I land with a dull thud and then a loud creaking snap as one of the planks cracks.

Wesley glances over at me from his aforementioned seat. "Are you quite alright there?"

"I'm... fine." I turn my head side to side. "I may have just dented the floor with the back of my skull however." There is definitely some merit to my earlier suspicion that consuming Heinrich has had a mild reinforcing effect on my bones. The doorframe may have been worn out, but what are the odds that I then find the one floor board in a similarly weakened state? I'll have to do some testing.

Or I could probably just wait for the next time Faith tries to use fracturing my humerus as a way of emphasizing her point in a conversation. Cause that never gets old, no...

Still grumbling to myself, I look back up at Wesley who simply nods and adds another note to his notebook. Maybe I overdid it when I encouraged him to remain calm?

Still, I suppose peaceably taking notes is a far sight better than having him panicking about the prisoner. I'll have to remember to suggest he let me look his report over before he submits it. Everyone needs a good editor, and it'd be dreadfully embarrassing if his report contained typos I'm sure.

"Buffy... and Spike... together?"

Ooh! That sounds like he's making progress; his voice is steadier and I think I just caught something about Dawn in there too? That would be a new topic.

Fucking finally, maybe I can interrupt and break the loop now? "For the love of all the gods, will you please stop talking about that? Some of us just ate."

Wonder of wonders, he listens this time. Eyes finally focusing on me again, Liam's face rapidly flickers through a variety of emotions before settling on what I'm going to assume is determination. "What happens? How do we stop it?"

Ungh. There's a loaded question. I plaster on my best imitation of my sister's 'yer kinda dumb ain't cha?' face and level it at Liam.

"The fuck should I know!?" I wind up practically making a dust angel on the floor as I attempt to emphasize my point with arm motions. "Do I look like Mother to you? I mean... Hmmm..." I may as well take this opportunity to nip any thoughts like that in the bud. "Now that you mention it though... it really is too bad that Mother's gifts with precognition didn't carry on down the lineage." Sitting up and dusting myself off, I resume glaring up at my Great Grandfather balefully. "Anyway, she just said something about me keeping William from burning up in the sunshine."

"How did you get Buffy and Spike dating from that?" Damn it, Liam, stop asking reasonable questions.

"Because while she was narrating that little tidbit, my head started trying to set a new record in the Migraine Olympics and then I found myself picturing an obviously older version of Buffy kissing Spike and telling him she loved him." I mime vomiting, just on the off chance that my tone of voice doesn't properly convey my thoughts on the topic. "Then there's an explosion of bright white light and then Spike is gone." I shrug broadly. "But who cares? I already packed William off back down to... I think he said Brazil?"

"Why?"

...

I think that question calls for a comedic misunderstanding.

I throw my arms in the air. "The fuck do you mean, why!? _Somebody_ has to take care of Mother." I poke him in the chest. "And don't you dare judge me for not wanting to do it myself since I don't see you volunteering to watch over her either." Oh for fucks sake, he actually looks guilty. Talk about unproductive habits. "Besides, masochist that he is, William actually seems to enjoy being her keeper. Who am I to take that away from him?"

Strangely, this doesn't seem to cheer Liam up all that much. He does look a bit more confused instead of purely mopey though... so that's a plus, right?

The scritch-scratch noises of Wesley's note taking start to slow. "Hmmm... I shall have to inform the council that Drusilla has foreseen Miss Summers being turned."

I blink at Liam's look of alarm for moment before turning to stare at Wesley. "How did you get that out of- oh..." I guess you could look at it that way if you don't know that Spike is the one to swap teams so to speak. "Yeah... no. She doesn't get turned. She's alive and well and just as insufferably herself as ever at the time."

"Ah. She goes rogue then." He looks up at me expectantly. "Do you have any sense of when this happens?" I definitely overdid it when I used last nudge of thrall to keep him calm. On the bright side though, it seems that the third time's the charm on convincing him to drop that ridiculous 'the Mad' moniker he was insisting on using to refer to Mother. Just because it's true doesn't make it any less rude.

"You can't tell the council that." Liam sounds alarmed.

Oh right... I should probably say something.

Actually... I smile cheerfully as it suddenly occurs to me that I can kill two birds with one stone and raise my hand like a kid in class.

"It is my duty to inform the council of any Slayer falls..." he trails off as he notices me with my hand raised and waving in the air.

"I'm confused... I was under the impression that saving the world from the 'forces of darkness and evil' was generally considered a good thing."

"Saving the world?"

"...Right..."

"With... William the Bloody?"

"Well, yeah... it's something of a... uh... I guess you could call it a hobby of sorts for my generation since we don't actually get paid for it." I frown. "We should really see about correcting that unfortunate oversight. But anyway, I get the feeling that I ought to mention that he would have been blowing himself up to take out a horde of ugly things trying to devour the world and not... whatever it is you seem to think they were doing."

"Ugly things?"

"Yes, they were very ugly. I'd even go so far as to call them grotesque."

Liam suddenly points the sword at me. "Drusilla left you here to stop Spike from saving the world?"

"No." I bat the sword point away from me with my gauntlet. "That would be-"

...

That would be... uncomfortably plausible, and not at all the narrative I wanted to write. I force a dismissive snort as I look down at the sword aimed at my chest. "Not even Mother is that... Okay, so she might be that counterproductive but that's not important."

Liam aims the sword point back at my chest. "You're going to have to explain that one."

What is it with you people and stabbing me? I give my best put upon sigh. Hmmm... I really need to work on that one, it barely holds a candle to Amy's and I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Maybe it's just a girl thing? Jack, Focus! "My brother and I may disagree on the exact reasons for wanting to keep the world spinning; for example, I'm embarrassed to say that he seems to like Manchester United, which as I understand it is the British version of liking the Yankees." I shudder with revulsion. "But we both feel very strongly about the fact that the world ought to do so. Plus, letting the world end would kind of defeat the purpose of saving him for Mother. I don't know if you've noticed, but 'everybody dies' includes us. Not that it would even matter since I accidentally flushed her programming, but at worst what she wanted was... for..."

...

"FUCK!"

I start pacing around the room. "She might have expected me to take his place." She can't actually predict what I would do. At least, I don't think so. If she could then she'd have known about the tattoos instead of thinking I died. At which point she was sad, but not about me... Gods Damn It. "Of course her first thought was about saving William. After all, he is the favorite son." I catch Liam raising an eyebrow at me. "Oh, don't you look at me like that; we both know its fucking true. She runs off with William to Brazil and left me to wake up in a coffin all by my lonesome." I guess that still bothers me. Good to know. I look over to see Wesley and Liam exchanging concerned glances. Now that I've had my rant I find myself embarrassed by the lapse in control. "Oh whatever," I sigh, taking a few deep calming breaths. I've done alright for myself as a self made demon, there's no margins in moping about an issue I can't even say for sure isn't all in my head.

"Are you alright?"

I rub my face and look back over at Wesley. "Yeah, Mother's incredibly blatant favoritism is just a bit of a sore subject. It always seems to catch me off guard too, especially now that I'm already feeling frayed." I shrug. I suppose finding myself feeling the same way about something before and after my little incident is a nice bit of continuity. So there's that. "Besides, just because Buffy can't strategize her way out of a wet paper bag doesn't mean I'm obligated to let things get that bad. So it doesn't really matter what Mother expected of me, does it?" I take a step back away from them, "Now, if you'll excuse me for a moment, I'm still feeling an unproductive urge to go sulk that I need to quash."

I try to take a calming breath and start doubling numbers in my head. I'm slowly getting better at blocking out the distracting rhythm of Wesley's heartbeat. Two. Four. Eight. Sixteen. Thirty-two. Sixty-

My cell phone apparently thinks that this is a marvelous time to remind me that I still haven't finished fixing all of its settings as it blares out the default ring tone for text messages.

Fetching it off the mantel, I resist a sudden and bizarre urge to crush it in my fist. No! I refuse to let the damn moronic impulses control my life. Never again; once was embarrassing enough. Hmmm... maybe I should try those meditation exercises I found for Oz? Being this annoyed by a ringtone can't be a good sign, and my trick with numbers isn't really cutting it.

Another calming breath later, I realize that I probably have to update my failure count. Falling to pieces midway through a game is new. I'm fairly certain that last week I would have stuck to the story and then examined my new ideas in private. Or, in all likelihood, I never would have brought up the future at all. In fact, the more I think through my actions today, the more it seems like I'm swinging from rational adult to raving lunatic on some sort of metaphorical pendulum.

Ungh. That's going to get old real fast.

Flipping open my phone to find a message FROM AMY: Mayor on phone wants meeting

Of course he does.

He's probably curious how I wound up in his lobby this morning.

Or why a Wolfram & Hart lawyer was at my door... yesterday. Or at least what passes for yesterday for everyone that isn't me. Or Harmony apparently... Anya too now that I think about it.

Fuck it. I should probably get my head screwed on straight before I try to answer any of that.

Tapping out my response, I set the phone back down and wait for then cell signal to reconnect before carefully pressing send.

TO AMY: Tell Allan I can come by the usual time on Sunday

FROM AMY: Wilkins on phone not allan

...

"What the hell?"

That can't possibly be good.

Wilkins makes phone calls about as often as I do.

Then again... if this was a trap I suspect Wilkins would be sticking to business as usual.

FROM AMY: Wants you there asap

Of course he does.

He either feels an urge to lecture me about the shotgun I was holding when I arrived this morning or something is wrong. Probably something to do with Allan or I expect he would be making the phone calls?

TO AMY: Omw

Liam and Wesley are still watching me carefully when I look back up from my phone. "So... Gramps... It looks like I have to go to work. What's the going rate for babysitting duty if I leave Junior here?"


	76. Part 50 - Contract Disputes

**Part 50 – Contract Disputes**

 **\- Crawford Street – Sunnydale : Late Friday Morning-**

Walking out of the Mansion, I make my way over to Wesley's car. We can't have our newest member of the Watchers Council interfering with my civic duties now can we?

This would have been much easier if Wesley had just handed over the keys.

...

Better yet, if he had just chosen a different day to show up on my doorstep. Sometime in January would have been nice.

Ah well. No amount of wishful thinking can stuff all the metaphorical butterflies back in their cages now.

Popping the hood I reach in with my gloved hand-

Wait. No. My common sense is tingling.

There's no reason to ruin a perfectly good car just because I don't want the man to go anywhere on his own... _today_. With my luck lately I'll wind up needing a lift somewhere tomorrow.

Disconnecting the battery from the rest of the car, I drain the power out of it. Car batteries, as it turns out, seem to hold very little charge.

I don't know why, but I was expecting a battery that can run a car for years to be a bit more impressive. Disappointment abounds.

Personally, I blame alternators for... hmmm... I wonder if I can put the charge back in later?

Or would trying to do that by hand just make it explode?

I'll have to get the girls involved before I try it. They'll probably want to take bets on the result. At the very least, Faith will want to make popcorn.

Shrugging, I drop the hood back down and click it shut before taking off towards City Hall at a run.

I'm halfway down the street before something occurs to me.

I'm wearing the glove.

I was wearing the glove when I used thrall on Wesley.

The glove that, as far as I can tell, makes me better at electro-kinesis by making me worse at everything else magic wise.

Interesting.

Granted, my results weren't particularly spectacular, but they were still far and above what I would have expected to accomplish while working with a handicap.

I'll have to redo my baseline testing experiments sometime.

 **\- Sunnydale City Hall : Late Friday Morning-**

Suzanne from the Clerk's Office is manning Allan's desk when I arrive. She looks a little flustered with whoever she's on the phone with.

Hmmm... No... she looks out of it.

A side effect of some manner of spell to keep her from thinking too hard about any of Allan's paperwork maybe?

Well, from the sounds coming out of the phone I suspect it's actually both.

"I understand that must be very inconvenient for you, Mr. Saverio, but Mr. Finch is not here today. Perhaps I can help you-" I take advantage of the lull in conversation created by this Mr. Saverio guy apparently cutting her off, and step up to the desk. She glances up at me briefly and smiles wanly, waving me on towards Wilkins' office. "Would you like me to schedule an appointment-" She glares at the phone as she gets cut off a second time.

Shrugging I head down the hall towards the Mayor's Office where I am promptly confronted by a new problem.

His door is closed.

I stare at it indecisively for a moment.

Allan usually opens it for me and waves me through.

Given magic's ability to interact with me on direct contact, I find this break from routine a touch worrisome as I contemplate using the door knob.

I'm probably being paranoid.

This town is littered with the ashes of vampires that weren't paranoid enough though.

Though I suppose those idiots deserved it. I mean honestly, how hard is it to just avoid bothering blondes in a town known to house a blonde slayer?

Even if she does smell del-

I viciously murder the conductor of that train of thought before he can try and pull out of the station.

...

After another moment's back and forth thought I settle on the compromise of knocking on the door with my gauntleted fist and waiting for someone else to open it.

My tattoos don't react to contact with the door, but I take a step back away from it anyway. Just in case.

A moment later the door opens a crack and Mayor Wilkins looks out at me.

Mayor Wilkins isn't human. I mean, I knew that, but I never noticed- or rather I was previously prevented from noticing? Not important. He smells _wrong_. Inhuman. Not a bad kind of wrong, like soured milk would... but the weird kind of wrong like if your steak smelled like fish. Father always hated fish. Makes it easier to dismiss him as food though, which is a plus given his very human heartbeat and that subtle sense of magical power that permeates the air.

Hmmm... I wonder if his odd scent is on purpose? Would make sense given what makes up most of his night staff. I imagine it's a lot easier to control them if they aren't all salivating at the idea of eating you.

I plaster a smile on my face and try to ignore the inrush of odd information long enough to force out a chipper sounding, "You wanted to see me, sir?"

"Ah, Mr. Winters." The 'man' smiles jovially. "Punctual as ever." He opens the door the rest of the way and waves me in.

"Of course, sir." I nod as agreeably as I can.

"Come in, come in." Wilkins comments before heading back towards his desk. "I'm glad you could make it on such short notice."

Walking into his office, I find myself a touch distracted, again, as my tattoos merely tingle faintly. "Amy said the matter was time sensitive?" Each visit has been marked by a shift and escalation of his doorway's detection wards. To suddenly find them nearly absent is... disconcerting. Certainly doesn't help my impression that something is... off... about the whole meeting.

Neither does seeing a demon in a poorly fitted business suit standing nervously off to the side as if hiding from view. The hiding part makes sense I suppose; even if it claimed the thick tan-orange skin was some sort of medical condition, anyone with curled horns of that size sticking out of its head is going to have a hard time blending in with the local populace. I can only imagine how Suzanne would take the sight. Whatever type of demon it is, it looks vaguely familiar, but I can't seem to place why.

It doesn't appear to be hostile though, so I ignore it in favor of the powerful warlock in the room clearing his throat. "Now, happy as I am that you were able to make yourself available on such short notice, I do feel as though I ought to chastise you for not being in class, young man."

I can't help but grin at Wilkins' upstanding family man routine. It really is quite impressive just how good he is at selling it. I lean against the back of my usual seat as I tackle the implied question buried in that statement. "Today has been an... interesting day; So far I have been:" I smile as I start counting off my day's troubles on my gauntleted hand. "Lit on fire, drowned, stabbed... twice now that I think about it, shot repeatedly, lit on fire a second time, before then finally being stabbed a third." I shrug and wave the whole thing away as nonchalantly as I can with the hand I used to count it off. "Given that all this was before classes even started today, I decided to give school a miss. On a semi-related note, I should probably apologize in advance for not meeting the usual standards given that I skipped the usual shower in favor of sprinting here directly." I let go of the chair's back clasp my hands together as if feeling awkward. "Maybe I just shouldn't touch anything?"

I take a certain amount of pride in the fact that I've managed to make a business demon and Mayor Wilkins both stare at me with alarmed expressions. At least I think that's an alarmed expression on the demon. Hard to say.

Come to think of it, Wilkins seems to be taking it harder than expected. "I do apologize for that, Mr. Winters." Huh, he even looks legitimately annoyed on my behalf. "It shouldn't have happened."

I tilt my head and look at him curiously. "I'm not sure I follow, sir."

Wilkins and I both start to explain at the same time. My attempt to assure him that, "Anyanka picking a fight-" cutting off as I process his explanation that, "Mister Rayne being-"

We both stop and look at each other. Our words apparently throwing a spanner into each others' trains of thought. I motion for him to continue.

"...Anyanka?" Apparently the girl's name raises eyebrows even among bicentennial warlocks. Talk about a reputation. "Your troubles today weren't with a Mr. Rayne, then?"

"Ethan Rayne? No, why?"

"Oh, you do know the man?"

"Only by reputation. He's supposed to be good with transformations and-"

...

I take a deep breath.

The demon smells faintly like Allan.

That's the same suit Allan was wearing this morning.

Either Mayor Wilkins is perfectly okay with a demon eating his favorite assistant and stealing his suit... or Allan has been turned into some sort of demon.

I snort as the pieces slide into place in my mind. _That's_ where I've seen this type of demon before. My revelation earns me a pair of curious looks, but I still can't help but chuckle. "Ethan turned Allan into a Fyarl Demon?"

The 'Fyarl Demon' makes a series of guttural noises and growls. I assume that meant something in Fyarl, which would be great if my brother was still in town, but I'm going to have to settle for basing everything off of his affirmative nod.

...

Why?

I frown briefly as I realize I'm not sure what would possess the man to do such a thing. I'm fairly certain he only knows Allan because- Ah. Right.

Allan hired him to provide the distraction for that thing with the babies. I remember Wilkins commenting on it not going to plan now.

"You didn't by any chance..." I raise an eyebrow at him, " _forget_ to pay him did you? Us contractor types can get cranky when that happens."

The flailing hand motions more than anything else that accompanies the next round of guttural noises gives me an impression of a man protesting his innocence but not a lot of useful information.

"Ah." I nod agreeably. "I see..." I turn back to Wilkins. "It turns out that Fyarl Demon is not one the languages I'm fluent in." The next set of noises coming from Allan are unmistakably those of a man grumbling morosely.

Wilkins seems to find the whole exchange entertaining at least. "Not many are," he assures me. "But you do seem to have grasped the salient points. Mr. Rayne is apparently under the impression that he's owed for services he failed to properly render."

...

Do I really want to get involved in someone else's contract dispute?

Come to think of it... I could have sworn the fudge worked exactly as it was supposed to? Better even, given how much fodder Joyce and Giles gave Faith for teasing Buffy.

My puzzled half nod is apparently enough acknowledgement for Wilkins to continue his spiel though. "Now ordinarily I'd have a few of my staff express my displeasure with his shenanigans but time appears to be of the essence if we're to get Mr. Finch here back to his usual self."

Hmmm... The clock in his office says it's almost noon... Yeah, I suppose having to wait for the night shift folks would be a non starter then.

Wilkins frowns. "I've grown fond of the Finches over the years. It'd be quite the pity if I had to find a new assistant." Allan gives what sounds like a relieved sigh... or maybe an exasperated groan? I'm not sure how to tell since I wasn't looking at him to read the body language cues. "Which brings us to the point; I'm afraid that Mr. Rayne's work," Wilkins gestures at Allan, "is proving remarkably difficult to undo without the original foci for the spell."

I smile and nod, pretending I understand the magical theory implied by that statement and am not simply bullshitting my way via vague memories of Giles smashing a statue in that one Halloween episode. What I do understand is that I'm about to be given yet another fetch quest. _Joy._ "So you'd like me to hunt down Ethan and shake him until his magical tool kit falls out?"

Wilkins smiles. "A fair summary. You've proven remarkably adept at locating such things in the past, I'm sure it won't be too much trouble for you." He slides a folder across his desk.

I pick up the folder and force a smile I'm not positive I feel; It occurs to me that most of my successes in said past endeavors were the result of blatant temporal cheating and questionable luck. Still, maybe I can rope The Warden into helping out? Or, given that this is Ethan Rayne we're talking about, maybe Giles? He _might_ be up for it. And that's ignoring the question of whether or not declining the quest is even an option. Which, practically speaking, I don't think it really is. Wilkins would probably let me walk away, maybe, but he's also my primary source of income at the moment so I don't see the margins in annoying him.

Something in my expression must indicate my concerns, or at least that I have some, as Wilkins continues. "You'll be paid your usual fee, of course," Wilkins frowns and glances at Allan, "as soon as Allan is himself again and able to process it."

I flip through the folder to buy myself a moment to think. There's a few pictures of Ethan, and what I assume are Allan's accounts of their interactions. Hmmm... whatever reservations I might have about getting involved in someone else's contract dispute, targeting Allan strikes me as playing dirty pool. Though I suppose I may be biased; if I can't think of a way to dissuade Mayor Wilkins from turning himself into an Old One at the end of the school year, then I'll likely need Allan alive to help hold the town together.

More specifically, alive _and_ capable of holding press conferences.

Decision made, I smile. "I'll see what I can do, sir."

I get a step and a half towards the door before Wilkins stops me. "And, Mr. Winters?"

I turn around and raise an eyebrow. "Yes, sir?"

"This business with Anyanka... nothing I need to worry about, I trust?"

"I don't believe so. The offending parties are all either dead or stripped of their powers." I pause as something occurs to me. "Unless...Do you have any treaties with D'Hoffryn? Anything that should have precluded his people from operating in your turf?"

"Sadly, not. Perhaps I should look into that."

I shrug, and resume my exit. It was a long shot anyway given that Anya didn't feel compelled to flee Sunnydale.

It's only as the door swings shut behind me on my way out of the office that the full import of that last thought hits me.

...

Gods Damn It, Mother.

I just took a job because it might help me hold Sunnydale together? Why the fuck is that my responsibility? If it comes to it, I can just leave Sunnydale.

...

 _After_ Amy graduates, since I suspect she'd react violently to the idea of transferring schools this close to graduation.

Might not want to move until Faith graduates too, come to think of it; She might try and stop going to school altogether.

I'd also need to convince Joyce to come with us and bring Dawn. Buffy can stay if she wants. Or even if she doesn't.

But the point is that _I_ can leave if I want!

Hmmm... I really need to find a spare moment and review how many of the various plans I've been juggling only exist because I was tied to this town on pain of migraines.


	77. Part 51 – Fresh Out Of Responsible Adult

**Part 51 – Fresh Out Of Responsible Adult**

 **-Sunnydale Motor Inn : Friday Afternoon -**

Okay.

Here we go.

Motel number three.

The illustrious Sunnydale Motor Inn.

I can't believe my sister lived here for a week; the whole place needs a good cleansing fire applied liberally to all exposed surfaces.

Still, the hunt for Ethan continues. Hopefully the third time's the charm?

I push open the doors and walk into the lobby. There's no one manning the desk at the moment but I can hear people moving around behind the door labeled staff only so I ring the bell and-

... It's sticky.

As I'm wiping my hand on my pants I hear a muffled voice indicating that I should hold on for, "just a minute."

I suspect the ideals of providing prompt, quality service were driven out of Sunnydale's hotel staffers by basic evolutionary pressures.

Being one of those evolutionary pressures myself doesn't make the wait any less irritating though.

I go to drum my fingers on the desk, but think better of it at the last moment.

I'm definitely more... irritable..? Than this situation warrants. Hmmm... Even though she registered, or maybe that's failed to register, the same way that Harmony did; I only had half a pint when I made that pit stop at Friday's house on my way here. Maybe I'm still hungry? Suddenly I'm inexplicably sad that those Snickers commercials are still a few years off.

Fortunately, the hostess walks out before my boredom drives me into doing bad Joe Pesci impressions to pass the time.

She's a short, skinny little waif of a thing, though cute in her own way. She smiles coyly at me, licking her lips as she adjusts her very short skirt back down. "Hi!"

The voice is different, but it's the same damned valley girl 'I'm too chipper for my own damned good' lilt that Buffy uses.

Huh. She does look a lot like- damn it. Now I can't un-see that. Talk about a joy-kill, even if she does smell like sex and-

...

I can smell blood.

And the heartbeat I could hear when the door opened is still coming from the back room instead of moving with her.

I lean across the desk and take a deep breath. Yup, she's a vampire. Probably _not_ the hostess then.

Are you fucking kidding me? It's the middle of the day! I do not have time for this shit.

Her expression turns to one of alarm as I vault over the desk. "I swear to-" I pause as the orbs' timer suddenly reverses direction in the back of my head. Turning them back off, I take a breath and slowly grit out, "Tell me you didn't just eat the desk worker guy."

"Jimmy?" She squeaks, backing away from me. "No! I didn't! I swear! He's fine! I only drank a little."

...

I can hear hurried movement in the back room.

"Tanya?" A voice precedes its owner, a middle-aged man wearing a rumpled shirt with the hotel logo on it, stumbling out of the back room in a rush as he fights with his belt. "What's going on out here?"

He has a fresh bite mark on his arm and looks a touch pale.

And... judging by the smells on the two of them... I interrupted the guy's nooner with a hooker.

"Please don't hurt me." The girl, Tanya, practically whimpers. Glancing over, she looks like she's just a few short steps away from gibbering wreck.

Ungh... Well at least Faith will get a giggle out of the story when she asks what I did today. I scared the fucking shit out of a hooker. How about you, Sis?

I tazer the idiot girl before she can embarrass our species any further. This of course panics the hotel clerk. Sigh.

Jimmy manages to get out a truncated, "Oh fu-" before his gaze meets mine and I force him to relax.

His limbs go slack and his eyes glassy. "Much better. Now," I fish out one of the photos Wilkins gave me, " _have you seen this man?_ "

I start rifling through the memories that he helpfully calls up upon seeing Ethan's face.

It's hardly a precise science but, between the man blathering on 'helpfully' and the snippets I pick up on, a frustrating picture emerges.

He was here, in room 203, but he checked out an hour or so ago. Damn.

Ah well. I really should thank Sandra and Pete for giving me so much practice at that; it really cuts down on my interrogation times.

I wonder if I should get them Christmas presents? May as well, at the rate Sandra's improving she might be transferred to outpatient before next Christmas.

...

Hmmm... Speaking of presents...

I push Jimmy into his seat to recover, tapping my chin as I head over to... I think he called her Tanya?

Ungh. Witnesses. I know I should probably just dust her and be done with it... but...

Rolling her onto her back, I crouch down and take her by the chin.

I guess she doesn't _really_ look all that much like Buffy. No more so than Sandra looks like Amy at least.

Pretty close though, if you don't pay attention to specifics. And despite Harmony's testing showing no more magical aptitude than someone like Xander, the stuff she can do with her makeup bag may as well be fucking sorcery.

Yeah. She could do.

...

Only one way to settle this. I take out my cell phone and tap out a message before setting it down on the cleanest available surface.

That said surface happens to be the girl in question is as much an indictment of my surroundings as it is an endorsement of her hygiene.

TO AMY: Time to play another round of the good idea bad idea game

Hmmm... I really need to get a stylus or something. For now I make do with a pen from Tanya's purse.

FROM AMY: Are you in jail

FROM AMY: do we need to post bail

...

What? Why would I be in jail?

TO AMY: not in jail

FROM AMY: Ok then bad idea

...

I haven't even told her my idea yet.

FROM AMY: Every time you ask me to play this game its bad idea

Hey now! Factual accuracy aside, that's just rude. I start tapping out my idea anyway.

TO AMY: Faith's birthday is next month

FROM AMY: Yes it is

TO AMY: I found a hooker that looks like buffy

Sort of anyway, if you squint a bit, and only if she doesn't talk since, even if the accent is right, the voice is completely wrong.

Actually... Laying there with the beginnings of panicked tears running down her cheek she kind of reminds me of Cordelia's vampiric alternate.

FROM AMY: No

Oh come on-

FROM AMY: Just no

Well that's disappointing. I thought I was on to something there.

Looking from the girl to the windows by the front door, where the early afternoon sun is shining, I figure she must live here.

I tap out one last message to Amy before picking up my phone, causing it to suddenly wonder why the towers all went deaf.

TO AMY: Why not

Tasking Jimmy with getting her back to her room, I head towards the stairs up to the second floor.

Hopefully Ethan left something behind in the room?

...

Huh, is the term still 'hooker' if she's not in someone's trunk? She is, technically, dead.

 **-Room 203 - Sunnydale Motor Inn : Friday Afternoon -**

It turns out that 'No English' is not a functional defense against thrall if you're lying.

I topple the cleaning lady backwards onto the bed and drop my cell phone down on top of her.

Given the recent topic of conversation, I make sure to put on my latex gloves- well, a latex glove- before I start tossing the room.

I'm still not sure who was more surprised when I came into the room: her at being interrupted, or me at discovering that this place even has a cleaning lady.

If her current drool output is anything to judge by, I... _may_...have overdone it again. Ah well. Fortunately, I arrived in time to stop her from doing a mediocre job of destroying evidence. If she'd succeeded then I likely wouldn't have bothered considering my new status as a subject of study for the Watchers Council before eating her.

Right now is the time to hunker down and act the model citizen. It's hardly the opportune moment to test whether or not the difficulty I experience in ignoring impulses based on how well I knew someone previously applies to feeding on new people as well.

With my luck I'd start ingraining the bad habits Mother went through so much trouble to keep me away from.

Sucking air out of that first girl I ever met was embarrassing enough as a hungry new born; I have no interest in regressing back to that point.

My cell phone beeps, pulling me out of my reminiscence as I pause my rummaging around the room to check my messages.

FROM AMY: No marinating her in lysol for a week first would not make it okay

Oh come on! Why not? What diseases could she possibly have that would survive that?

I'm starting to think Amy just doesn't like sex workers.

And I notice she didn't answer my question about whether vampires can even be carriers. Darla was obviously rendered immune to her mother's syphilis after all.

...

That's going to be an obnoxiously complicated experiment.

Maybe I could just have Liam and Buffy tested? He may not be Darla, but all that carousing in the 18th century probably made him a walking Petri dish.

Oh, AHA! I spot some hairs in the shower drain. They look to be about the right length and color to be Ethan's.

Fishing them out and wrapping them around my pendant, I start the now familiar chant.

My pendant starts tugging towards the rest of Sunnydale.

I love magic.

 **-An Alley – Downtown Sunnydale : Early Friday Afternoon-**

My pendant suddenly veers sharply, tracking the movements of the stray cat I just startled.

I look back and forth from the very obviously not cat hairs threaded around my pendant to the smudge of blood on the cat's forehead.

Fucking scapegoat rituals.

I hate magic.

I'm also out of ideas on how to track down Ethan.

I guess it's time to visit Giles.

Digging out my watch, it looks like it's just shy of 2pm. Awesome. Giles should still be at the school for another hour.

 **-Sunnydale High School : Last Period-**

Since I have no interest in letting either the track or football coach know that I can push 25MPH indefinitely, I make sure to slow my pace to a mere jog before taking the last corner and heading towards the school.

A decision I regret a moment later as it puts me walking in the front door just as Principal Snyder steps out of his office.

"Mr. Winters, I thought you were home sick?" He asks me, just as I'm beginning to process that coming to school may have been a terrible plan.

I really should have seen this coming, given how easy it's always been to listen in on whatever classes are going on next door.

It turns out it's _really_ hard to maintain focus when I'm surrounded by beating hearts and poor soundproofing. Getting to the library, where it's historically always felt quieter, suddenly seems even more important.

Time to cut this conversation short. "Nope!" Judging by Snyder's reaction I suspect my attempt at my usual cheerful smile is coming across at least a bit more wild hungry animal than I'd like. "The girls are. I'm running errands for the Mayor today. Civic duty and all."

Snyder suddenly looks very uncomfortable. Well... even more uncomfortable than my smile was already making him. "I see... Carry on then." I just love it when the truth is so helpful. I should try to have legitimate reasons for my actions more often.

I really should also figure out just how much this man knows, but that's going to have to be a tomorrow problem. For now I nod agreeably, I wave goodbye. "Thank you, sir. Have a nice day."

I just barely manage to keep myself from rolling my eyes until after I've turned away as Synder starts backing away from me slowly and looks to be set on just returning to his office and abandoning whatever task he was working on.

Striding down the hallway as quickly as I can reasonably go, I barrel straight through the library doors. "Giles! I need your..."

The doors bounce off the walls with a bang and then slam shut behind me as I stare at the man sitting at the table with Giles. What sounded like a story about being drunk cuts off as they both of look up from their tea in surprise at my sudden, and noisy, entrance.

"...help." I trail off, feeling a touch silly. On the plus side, I can only clearly make out two heartbeats now.

Giles continues to stare at me for a short moment, expression shifting from surprise to disapproval as he sets down his tea cup before responding. "And what, precisely, makes you think I'd be inclined to assist you?"

"Nope! Too late now, you already helped." I grin broadly, wagging my finger back and forth at him as I walk towards the table. "No Backsies."

" _Mr. Winters_." Wow. Giles really can pack a lot of exasperation into a tone of voice. His hand moves to his glasses, but he apparently decides against it and pinches the bridges of his nose instead. "I really don't have time to deal with your unique version of reality just now." For a man who seems to be stubbornly resisting an urge to polish his glasses out of some misplaced need to keep his eyes focused on me, he doesn't smell of even the least bit of fear. Particularly considering his experiences with my asshat of a grandsire were recently dredged back up, I suppose I ought to give credit where credit is due; just because _I_ know that I have no intentions of maiming or killing him doesn't make his concerns any less valid generally.

"That's fine, I'll be quick." I wave him off as I grab one of the free seats at the table, spinning it around and sitting down in it backwards. I turn to Ethan, who's been wearing an amused grin while watching my exchange with Giles. "You're Ethan Rayne, yeah?" I ignore his sudden wariness and hold out my hand. "I'm a big fan of your work. Last Halloween sounds like it was so much fun. Do you do parties by any chance?"

I smile as Ethan reaches out and shakes my hand. I wasn't sure that would work, what with the gauntlet and all. "Always pleased to meet a fa-"

Giles makes a spluttering coughing noise. "No! I forbid it!"

Ethan's expression turns as confused as I suddenly feel. I tilt my head to look back at over at Giles to find him glaring at me. I give him my most intelligent-sounding, "huh?"

"I may not be certain what sort of chaos the two of you associating would cause, but I am quite certain that I have absolutely no interest in finding out."

"Oh come now, Rupert. Just because you can't appreciate a good time is no reason to deprive today's youth of their fun."

I snort, tightening my grip and continuing to shake Ethan's hand as he attempts to pull it back. "I can keep this brief if it'll make you feel better?"

Giles's eyes dart briefly to the impromptu tug of war brewing in front of him. "Keep what brief, exactly?"

"I just wanted to ask Ethan here for some advice." I nod my head at the man in question. "You see, a friend of mine was turned into a Fyarl demon." I grin and clamp down as his expression turns alarmed and his efforts to reclaim his hand redouble.

"You-" Ethan starts, before grunting in pain; his attempts to retrieve his hand having turned my grip from a firm handshake to a just shy of bone-crushing vice.

Ignoring his interruption, I continue explaining to Giles cheerfully. "I was hoping that given his experience with such transformations that he'd know how to reverse the spell."

"And the reason you're currently attempting to crush his hand?" Giles asks, sounding remarkably unconcerned about that particular detail. Or about the whimpers coming from his old friend. I guess he's okay with letting one pain in his... posterior... hassle another. Before I can respond however, he blinks a few times and suddenly stares very intently at said hands. "Is that the Glove of Myhnegon?"

...

"Nah. This is a just a replica I picked up during this morning's episode of Adventures with Vengeance Demons."

"Giles! He's working for him!" Ethan finally gasps out.

I like that topic better than talking about my glove anyway. Let's run with that. I'm not a huge fan of the disbelieving expression Giles is wearing currently. I let go of Ethan's hand and the sudden lack of resistance topples him back into his chair. "So what? Err... wait. Him who?" Just because I know who he means is no excuse for the lack of specificity.

"Mayor Wilkins," Giles confirms, Ethan being a bit busy massaging his hand.

"Oh. Then yeah, I guess I am, technically," I shrug, "but really I'm only here because I object to you turning Deputy Finch into a Fyarl Demon."

"He's evil!"

"Allan is not-"

"Not Finch! Wilkins!"

"Oh... Well, yeah. Of course. Though on this side of the pond we generally pronounce it 'pol-i-ti-cian' but..." I shrug. "And what's with the accusatory tone? You work for him too."

" _That_ was before I found out about the babies."

...

Slow. Pitch. Soft. Ball.

"You're pregnant!? Congrats, man!" I plaster a puzzled frown on my face. "Didn't know Janus handled _those_ kinds of changes, but-"

"That's enough!" Giles' hand slaps down on the table with a solid thwack. "You know very well that's not what he meant."

"Spoilsport." I have another go at mimicking Amy's exasperated sigh. It goes no better than last time. "I assume this is about that kerfuffle Buffy was telling Faith about when we got home from Budapest? The _other_ kerfuffle I mean, not... you and Joyce."

...

"Unless-"

"No." Giles' glare intensifies.

"Tough crowd." I shrug. "So... what's any of this got to do with Allan being turned into a Fyarl Demon?"

Ethan deflates a bit. "It wasn't Allan I was trying to- I honestly don't know why that happened."

Giles sighs and glances at his old friend briefly. "It might be related to your being drunk at the time."

"Drunk enough to think it was a good idea, not to flub the spell. And even if I had been that drunk, it should have simply failed. Not..." Ethan throws up in hands in annoyance, then winces and rubs his right hand again as he trails off.

"Missed? Whiffed? Hit an innocent bystander to boot?" I snort as most of the missing pieces snap into place. This isn't a contract dispute at all, but rather a spot of drunken hooliganism.

"Yes." Ethan sounds like he's sulking rather than sorry.

"So... I'm supposed to shake you until the foci you used to cast the spell originally falls out of you. Any chance of you just handing it over?"

...

Huh.

I stare at the carved bone... thing... now on the table. I didn't actually expect that to work. I snatch it up before Giles can stop me.

"Well, Giles, it's been fun but you did make me promise to keep this short. Ordinarily I'd ask for a lift to City Hall but you seem busy," I nod my head towards Ethan, "and I can run faster than you drive anyway."

"Now wait just a minute! You can't-"

"No!" I cut him off. "It has been Friday for over 30 hours already. I hate time travel! I am completely out of reasonable adult for the day. I'm leaving. I'm dropping this," I wave the bone thing in front of his face, "off at City Hall, and then," I spin around and march towards the door, "I'm going home and playi- Fuck! I have work tonight." Screw it. I'll have Amy call me out sick for the weekend. The hospital would likely be even worse than here.

"Wait! You can't-" Giles tries to start again

Grabbing the handle, I rip open the door and-

The bell rings, the hallways fills with the sounds of students fleeing classrooms. Their overjoyed little hearts all beating rapidly. Whatever else Giles had to say gets drowned out as I fight off the urge to go hunting.

I slam the door shut again and spin around on my heel.

"I'm taking the sewer tunnels." I inform Giles and Ethan needlessly as I march past them toward the stacks. "Come by the house later and we can chat about whatever is bothering you now. Oh! Also, somebody needs to pick up Wesley from Warden Liam's."

Wait for it... wait for-

I hear a chair topple over behind me. "Good Lord!" There we go!

"I know right!?" I shout over my shoulder without breaking stride. "They were arguing about free will and the meaning of prophecy when I left, and had somehow made it _boring!_ " I wave behind me before ducking into the stacks and heading for the entrance to the sewers that really has no business being in a school library.

 **-Winters Residence : Friday Afternoon-**

Shaking my head, I cross the threshold and the buzzing hum of Amy's sound proofing magic gives way to the various sounds of home.

I close my eyes and lean against the door frame for a moment, taking in a deep breath.

I'm home.

This is supposed to be a high point in the day.

But it occurs to me that the house is full of people I'd... miss... if I slipped up. Oh, and Buffy. It looks like she's still here too. Faith would be upset with me if I ate her though. I snort. She'd probably be upset if I did that in _either_ sense of the- Oh, Gods Damn It, brain! No!

Speaking of my sister; I can hear the looping theme song of Mario Kart start anew with her usual steady stream of muttered taunts accompanying it.

I can hear Dawn chiming in occasionally along with Buffy's futile attempts to chastise Dawn for it. Not that that's ever accomplished anything.

Bizarrely absent are the usual stream of curses from Amy...

I open my eyes and look aroun- Aha. She's busy engaging in her other favorite pastime: taking embarrassing photos. That explains that odd clicking noise.

It would also seem that Anya and Willow are both also still here. Sitting in the corner making out soundlessly as Amy snaps her pictures. Amy must have stuck another sound proofing spell around them given that I can't imagine the level of enthusiasm they're displaying being nearly that quiet.

Hell I can't even hear their heartbeats.

...

I can't hear their heartbeats!

That's... perfect. I can have Amy wrap one of those spells around my head and finally get some fucking peace. "Amy!"

Amy whips around to face me so fast I half expect her to topple over. "I can explain!"

...Sigh...

What do I need to fix now?

"...Explain what?"

Judging by her expression this is going to be a doozy, but "Uh... so-"

Whatever she was about to say gets cut off by Buffy suddenly screeching like an a harpy. "Willow! What are you doing!?"


	78. Interlude 15A – No Just no

**Interlude 15A – No. Just no.**

***POV Amy***

 **-Winters Residence – Friday Afternoon-**

In my defense, Jack never told me what the dosage was on these things.

Or why he bought 10 boxes of them.

Still...I stare at the now mostly empty box as I take the last two bars of chocolate out of it.

Ah well, Jack didn't seem bothered by it when I fed Willow that first bar so they can't be too important.

I throw the wrappers away before heading back into the living room to hand them over to Willow with a reminder to share the wealth with her new frie-

Crap!

They aren't there. Where did they-

Oh.

Damn it, Willow. What part of 'don't untie her' was so-

Right. I take a deep breath.

I'm feeding them magic chocolate that makes people irresponsible.

Jack would probably make fun of me for panicking about breaking an egg while making an omelet.

I roll my eyes at myself before walking over to the corner they apparently moved to.

Who knows, with any luck maybe Jack will take offense to Willow sitting in his favorite chair. That could be entertaining.

...

Are they giggling? What are they even talking about?

I hold up the bars as I reach them. "More chocolate?"

"Yes, please!" Anya turns and smiles at me and then... eyes me up and down? Wow... she has even less subtlety than Faith does. Or Jack. Not that either of them ever... well at least _somebody_ thinks I'm pretty. Why does it have to be the millennia old... whatever a vengeance demon is.

"Thanks, Amy." Willow takes the chocolate bars and hands one to Anya who promptly starts eying Willow up the same way as she bites into it. I amend my previous complaint to 'millennia old harlot.'

Whatever.

"So..." I try to start off casually. "How did that whole folding time spell work?"

"It's complicated." Anya shrugs at me, biting off another bit of chocolate and then turning back to Willow. "Where was I?"

"Olaf had had a lot of mead." Willow answers before taking a bite of her own chocolate.

"Right!" Anya claps her hands together and smiles. "So he comes home and he can't get it up and-"

I step back and hastily throw a privacy spell around them. I don't think I want to know how that story goes.

My phone buzzes, providing a conveniently timed distraction. Excellent.

FROM JACK: Time to play another round of the good idea bad idea game

"Faith! Pause the game! Good idea bad idea time!"

Faith pauses the game, tossing her controller aside as she practically lunges off the couch. "I'll grab the boards."

"What in the huh?" Buffy looks back and forth between us as I type out my reply.

TO JACK: Are you in jail

"Good idea bad idea. It's what Jack calls it when he has an idea he's pretty sure he only thinks is a good plan because he's a boy... or, you know, a demon." Faith explains as she walks back over with our boards. "Ames and I decided to include it in Bingo as if whatever idea he suggests happened."

TO JACK: do we need to post bail

I grab mine after pressing send.

"Bingo?" Buffy appears to be putting considerable effort into staring confusedly at all of us simultaneously.

...

This is wrong. It's not nearly as filled in as it should be. "Harmony, I think I have your board."

"No. I have mine."

"Guys?" Buffy tries again. "What are you talking about?"

"Lemme see?" Dawn takes the paper from me. "This is mine."

"Dawn? Really?" Buffy glares at her and then Faith for a moment before giving an exasperating sigh. "Okay, somebody either start explaining or give me a board."

"No." We all practically chorus before glancing at each other and giggling.

"Oh come on, guys, at least explain why." Dawn huffs, holding up her board. "You're involved in like... half of my bingo spots."

"What?" Buffy snatches the board out of Dawn's hand and stares at it.

Dawn rolls her eyes and scoots over, pointing at something on her board. "See right here? I have, 'Buffy stakes Jack,' crossed off cause of Saturday? Letting you play would just be..." Dawn clears her throat, straightens up in her seat, and starts doing a passable imitation of Joyce. "...encouraging poor behavior."

Buffy crosses her arms over her chest and glares at Dawn. "He deserved-"

FROM JACK: not in jail

"Damn it, Jack!"

TO JACK: Ok then bad idea

TO JACK: Every time you ask me to play this game its bad idea

"Why is everyone's looking at me?"

"You just yelled 'Damn it, Jack!' and then started typing furiously. What'd he do?"

"Oh. He's not in jail. " I shrug. "I would have had Bingo if he needed to be bailed out of jail."

FROM JACK: Faith's birthday is next month

Awww. Damn it... We can't play if this is about Faith's birthday surprise.

TO JACK: Yes it is

I sigh, holding up a finger in a, 'gimme a moment' gesture. "Hang on guys."

FROM JACK: I found a hooker that looks like buffy

...

TO JACK: No

TO JACK: Just no

FROM JACK: Why not

Why not? I massage my temples to try to stave off the migraine that I just know this is going to gift to me.

Gee, I don't know, Jack. How could that possibly be a bad plan? Maybe because it's a hooker?

TO JACK: Who knows where its been

TO JACK: It could have all sorts of diseases

...And that's still ignoring the whole looks-like-Buffy thing. Yeah... Nope. Nope. Nope. I am not touching that.

"...Ames?"

I look up. Everyone's staring at me again. "What's up?"

"You were tellin us what Jack did or was gonna do and then you got real quiet and started makin faces at your phone."

Right... that's not happening... hmmm... aha! "Faith, do you remember my birthday?"

"...Sorta?" Faith gives me a funny look. "You and Jack went off and-"

"No. Before that. When I asked you what Jack had planned? Remember how you wouldn't tell me?"

"You mean that time when I couldn't tell you because I didn't know?"

"Sure... Either way, I'm not telling you what Jack's planning for yours either."

"Oh come on! You have to tell us!"

"No, I-" My phone cuts me off again.

FROM JACK: Obviously soak her in lysol for a week first

Oh Goddess, he probably means that literally. How does marinating the girl in Lysol make anything better?

FROM JACK: Can vampires even have diseases

"Jack did WHAT!?"

I look up. I'm not sure who just yelled, but everyone's staring at me.

...

"Huh?"

"Jack marinated a girl in Lysol!?"

"...I said that out loud?"

Four faces nod at me vigorously.

"Oops." I shrug at them. "Jack didn't marinate the girl in Lysol yet-"

"Yet!?"

"I told him not to. Err- hold on." I press send.

TO JACK: No marinating her in lysol for a week first would not make it okay

"Okay. Now I told... him..." I sigh. "You all want me to explain don't you."

More nodding.

"Ungh. Fine... so Jack found this hooker and-"

"Shit, Ames. I'm sorry."

...

"Huh?" Why did Faith just apologise to me? She's looking all concerned now too.

"Do you want me to break his arm again?"

"I'm not saying no... but, why are you offering this?"

"Well, he knows you like him, and he's off screwin a hooker."

I rub my face. Thanks for that mental image, Faith. Somehow I'd avoided thinking about that until just now. "No, Faith, he's not..." Of course now I can't un-think it. "Jack isn't-"

Wait, what does she mean, 'he knows I like him?' Faith... what did you do? Whatever, I'll deal with that later.

Dawn leans in close and stage whispers into Faith's ear. "I think the hooker is for your birthday."

"Dawn!" Buffy scolds her unnecessarily.

I shrug. "Well, I mean... she's not wrong."

"Wait, really?" Dawn stares at me for a second before sticking out her tongue and making a retching noise. "Yuck!"

"I know, right? I had to remind him that hookers have diseases and his response was to say we could just soak her in Lysol!"

"Woah!" Faith puts out her hands in a 'stop' motion. "Hold up! Jack called her a hooker?" She stares at me with an odd expression.

"Yeah, why?"

...

"Because..." Faith huffs as if I should magically know what she's thinking. "They're called hookers when they're dead in your trunk. The live ones are call girls."

"That makes no-What does that even mean?"

"It's just- I mean-" I shrug. "I don't know! It's never made any sense to me."

Even if I can't explain, I guess Faith can. She leans over and whispers something in Dawn's ear. "Seriously?" Dawn huffs. "That's dumb."

"I told you! Try living with them, they make jokes like that all the... time..."

Shit. They do make jokes like that all the time. I type out another message on my phone.

TO JACK: Is the hooker dead

His response is far quicker than usual. He must have his phone out on a table near him or something.

FROM JACK: Of course

FROM JACK: Shes a hooker

Lord and Lady, why do I even bother asking?

FROM JACK: Well i sent her back to her room so she isnt in a trunk

...Right... because that makes it all so much better... somehow?

FROM JACK: So partial credit maybe

FROM JACK: Ask faith if it counts.

Or I could not do that, and pretend this conversation never happened.

FROM JACK: Oooh

FROM JACK: Added bonus faith can choke her all she wants cause she doesn't need air

...

"Okay then." I put my phone back in my pocket. "Jack's gone insane."

Faith snorts. "So nothing new then?"

"What the hell is wrong with you two!?" Buffy glares at us.

I blink. Huh?

"Excuse you?" Faith seems equally lost.

"Jack just killed some girl and you're laughing about it!"

...Oh.

Huh.

We are.

That's kind of horrifying.

Or it should be at least.

It... doesn't really bother me. It bothers me that it doesn't bother me, but I don't actually care that Jack killed someone.

When did that happen?

Faith and I look at each other. I'm not sure which one of us is more uncomfortable right now. "Jack wouldn't-He doesn't- no-" she starts and stops a few times and then frowns.

Given that I have to resist the urge to snort, because of course Jack very much _would.._. I guess it's just me that's broken then. Hooray.

Well, Harmony doesn't look like she cares either. She's still sitting on the couch smiling at me happily. Probably expecting me to 'fix' this too.

I sigh. You would think I had learned not to do this by now... and yet...

TO JACK: Why did you kill the hooker

Now... How do I..? Umm...What would Jack do?

Oh. Duh. Start a fight with Buffy about something dumb.

"He-"

My phone buzzes in my hand before I can try and claim that since 'vampires are totally people too-'

FROM JACK: I didn't

Oh.

Well that makes this a lot easier. "-didn't kill her."

FROM JACK: She's fine

FROM JACK: Probably

FROM JACK: Sore from being tazed maybe

...

Tazed? Why would Jack taze a corpse? ...Oh. An involuntary giggle escapes me as the dots connect. "He didn't kill her."

"Why is that funny?" Buffy still looks and sounds upset.

I grin at Buffy. "Because she's a vampire."

...

Buffy doesn't seem to appreciate the irony in that situation. Figures.

"A vampire call girl?" Faith's nose scrunches up into her puzzled face. "I dunno if that counts as a hooker."

Dawn's nose crinkles up too. She opens her mouth and closes it again a few times before finally speaking a moment later. "Still gross." She glares at Faith. "You can't boink her."

Faith laughs. "Hey! Your sister is the one that boinks the dead."

"Hey!" Buffy tries to protest.

Anything else Buffy may have tried to say though gets drowned out under Dawn's reaction. "We are _not_ talking about that!" She shudders comically. "And no, not because she's a vamp, because she's a hooker." Dawn huffs, putting her hands on her hips. "No. Just... no!"

I point at Dawn. "That's exactly what I said!"

Dawn and I share our little moment before both nodding to each other. "New topic?"

"Yes please."

 **-Winters Residence – Friday Afternoon-**

"I hate you!" I scream.

"Lies!" Faith laughs. "You love me and you know it."

"Okay, first of all, shut up, I was talking to Buffy. Second of all, the two of you only beat me because of your stupid slayer reflexes."

"And I'm what?" Dawn crosses her arms over her chest and sticks out her tongue at me. "One of the AI's?"

I glare back at her. "Who invited you anyway?"

"Uh... you did?" Dawn actually looks uncomfortable for a moment before apparently realizing I'm joking when I grin at her.

Ungh.

Handing off my controller to Harmony for the next race, I console myself with stealing the last slice of pizza.

Speaking of food, I guess I can try asking Anya questions again now that the two of them have eaten a whole box of the chocolate bars between them.

Standing up and stretching my arms, I head over-

...

Willow and Anya are... wow... that's... um... enthusiastic? Yes. That works. Willow and Anya are _being_ _enthusiastic_. About each other.

Why am I just standing here watching? I could totally be taking pictures to embarrass Willow with later when she sobers up.

...

I wonder if Oz will want copies? Or would that be weird for him?

I fetch the camera from the office and try to get a shot from the right angle. I want it to be easy to identify who it is in the pictures after all.

"Amy!" Jack shouts.

...

When did he get home? Why does he sound so annoyed?

Shit. They're still in his chair. Doing _that._ "I can explain!"

He tilts his head to the side and raises an eyebrow at me. "...Explain what?" He still sounds a little irritated, but mostly just confused. Progress. I'll take it.

Seriously? "Uh..." Come to think of it he's not even looking at Willow and Anya. "...so-"

"Willow! What are you doing!?" Buffy glares at me when they don't respond.

Faith looks over and snorts. "She's havin some fun from the looks of it."

"What?" Dawn looks over at us. "...Oh! Gawd, Willow. Slut-o-rama much?"

"Dawn!" Buffy spins back around. "Seriously?" She shifts slightly to point at Faith who's nudging Dawn with her elbow and whispering to her. "And you! Stop encouraging her."

"Oh come on, B. Untwist your panties. She's just-"

"There is nothing wrong with my-" She pauses, an annoyed look crossing her face. "I'm not-" She stops again, looking exasperated before finally throwing her hands up and turning back to Willow and Anya's... well... now that they have an audience, let's go with performance. "That!" She points at said performers, resuming her march across the room. "Is not okay."

Faith frowns. "You got a problem with chicks likin each otheh?"

"I- huh?" Buffy looks confused for a moment before her expression firms up. "DEMON!" She points at Anya. "Willow is making out with a demon!"

Moving to stand behind Faith, Dawn coughs. It sounds remarkably like, "Angel."

Buffy clearly heard it too because she halts her march towards... the uh... oh... Lord and Lady, she halts her march towards the two girls making out in the corner. "That's different! He has a soul!"

Jack, who up to this point had been just watching the show unfold while laughing not so quietly, visibly calms himself and raises his hand like he's in class. "Point of order." He waits a beat until we're all looking at him. "Anya's not a demon anymore."

"What in the huh?" Buffy asks, staring at me as I start to nod along with Harmony. Was I the only one to actually pay attention during her story?

Jack rolls his eyes at us and then points to Harmony. "Harmony broke her amulet."

He pauses, just long enough for Harmony to nod again, and happily agree.

"See? That means Anya is now reverted back to 100% pure vanilla human. Pretty sure she even has a 100% vanilla human soul too, though the purity part might be a bit tarnished at this point." Jack grins. "Especially now, since... she is still over a thousand years old and is totally robbing the cradle right now." Jack points at the corner unnecessarily, and grins when Buffy makes a disgusted noise. "Anyway, I'll be at the quiet study table in the Library if you need me to disprove any of the other racist notions you obviously have."

Jack? Quiet? Shit, maybe he _is_ still annoyed.

As if sensing my thoughts Jack pauses a few steps shy of the library, snaps his fingers, and turns around. "Oh! Before I forget:" He points at all of us, "I need a vial each of everyone's blood."

... not what I expected but okay.

Before Faith and I can even finish shrugging and nodding respectively, Buffy starts shouting, "No!" while glaring at him for good measure.

Dawn on the other hand looks curious as she pokes her head out from behind Faith to ask, "why?"

"Dawn!" Buffy shouts. "No!"

"Well," Jack laughs, ignoring Buffy completely. "I figured if I was going have the hospital do a full STD panel on Buffy's blo-"

"WHAT!?" Wow. Thanks, Buffy. It's not like I need to be able to hear out of that ear you just shouted next to or anything.

"...I figure I might as well have everyone else tested at the same time." Jack continues as if Buffy didn't just interrupt him, eyes fixed firmly on Dawn as he answers her question.

"Excuse you!?" Buffy takes a step towards Jack, hands balling up into fists.

Jack finally turns to face her, with an eyebrow quirked and politely curious expression on his face. "Something wrong?"

"What. The. Hell!?" Buffy hisses out angrily. When Jack just raises an eyebrow at her, she tacks on a slightly more controlled sounding, "STD panel?"

Jack shrugs. "Oh. So, I met this hooker vampire that looks just -

"Yeah, we know." Buffy tries to hurry Jack along.

"-like Buffy. Oh." Jack pauses briefly to frown at me. "Amy told you? Okay, so-"

Damn it, Jack. I had been trying to leave that part out of the story so that-

"Wait...WHAT!?"

...Buffy wouldn't freak out. More than usual I mean. Too late now I suppose.

"-after our... huh? What?" Jack tilts his head to the side and stares at Buffy with a puzzled expression.

...Wow... That's his 'I am actually confused' face. Jack seems to legitimately have no idea as to why Buffy might be upset about him finding a hooker that looks like her.

Buffy doesn't seem to plan on letting that confusion stop her from freaking out though. "She looked like me!? Wha-"

"Ow!" Faith yells, rubbing her shoulder as we all look over at her. The reason for her outburst quickly made obvious as Dawn starts rubbing her hand with a pained expression while Faith continues, "The fuck d'you hit me for!?"

"Don't. Be. _Gross!_ " Dawn forces out between clenched teeth.

"I didn't say nuthin!" Faith says as she continues to massage her shoulder. Considering what I've seen her and Jack do to each other during sparring... I'm pretty sure she's just hamming it up for Dawn's benefit.

"Okay. Anyone else completely lost? Because I am... which is impressive, come to think of it, given that I'm the one telling the story."

Dawn looks at Jack, then at Buffy, and then finally Faith. "...Nothing," she huffs out, "...Ignore us."

Jack shrugs. "Okay... then... Where was I?"

Buffy, her voice sickly sweet, smiles at Jack. "You were telling us all about how you were with a prostitute that..." Her smile dies as she looks to be forcing the words out of her mouth despite her distaste, "...looked like me. Which, just so we're clear: As flattering as this isn't, in the creepiest way possible... no. That is the closest you're _ever_ going to get to having this."

"Oh, Gods." Jack suddenly makes a retching sound as his whole body convulses in pain.

I sigh. He is such a fucking drama queen.

"The fuck is wrong with you!?" Jack shudders and retches again. "She looked like _you_. Why the hell would I- Blech! No. Just... no!"

Buffy opens and closes her mouth a few times, apparently unable to decide if this is good thing or if she ought to be insulted that her disgust at the idea is mutual.

"Ungh. _ANYWAY!"_ Jack flails his arms as if trying to ward off the past line of conversation. "Amy and I got talking about hookers having diseases." He's started talking really fast, as if just trying to get the conversation over with. "And I realized that I have no idea if vampires can even _be_ carriers. The easiest test seemed to be to check if Liam was able to pass on Darla's syphilis. Or any of the other bugs he likely picked up while carousing back in the 18th century." Jack says it fast, but completely matter of fact, as if he isn't telling Buffy she may have _an STD or three_. I fight the urge to laugh at the horrified look on Buffy's face. "But I'm _so_ _sorry_ for thinking that you might rather have the tests run anonymously instead of visiting the clinic. And on _that_ note!" He spins around on his heel. "I'll be in the library looking for a spell to apply bleach directly to my brain."

We all stand there for a moment in stunned silence, broken only by the sound of Jack slamming the door, as we all try not to stare at Buffy and her hilarious expression of horror for fear of breaking into giggles. Well, that's why _I'm_ not looking at Buffy. Dawn might have her own reasons.

"Oh!" Harmony suddenly bolts up out of her seat and starts towards the stairs. "Wait for me! I want to paint my nails too."

...

There's a chorus of variations of, "what the hell?" and everyone suddenly turns to me like I'm supposed to magically have some clue what that was all about.

Hell, at this point I'm just happy she didn't start taking off her- oh, Goddess!

I drop the privacy spell as fast as I can. "You two! Keep your shirts on!"


	79. Interlude 15B – Turkey Interrupted

**Interlude 15B – Turkey Interrupted**

***POV Joyce***

 **-Winters Residence - Driveway : Friday, November 18th - Evening-**

Oh my.

Looking up at it, I can suddenly understand why Amy jokes about sometimes feeling like she's gotten lost in her own house.

It's... an awful lot of house for three kids living on their own.

Though I suppose Jack would insist being 18 makes them adults.

I don't know how I feel about- well, that's a lie. I know how I feel about that, but it has more to do with the fact that Buffy will be making that same argument herself in a few months than it does Jack or Amy.

I'm torn between 'Why do they have to grow up so fast?' and 'they're practically still just babies!'

Faith opens the door just before I can knock. "Hey, Momma S!"

As she pulls the door open and smiles at me, I can see my eldest behind her... shouting silently? Her mouth is definitely moving, but I can't hear anything except for a dull buzzing noise.

"Did something happen to their voi-" As I cross the threshold of the house the dull buzzing noise suddenly cuts off and I can hear my daughters' voice.

"-ged!" I'd be more worried about how upset she looks if Dawn weren't standing behind her laughing and making silly faces.

"...oh." I look back at Faith. "Magic?"

"Wicked, huh?" Faith nods, grinning at me as what seems to be an argument continues playing out behind her. "Ames set it up when we realized just how good Jack's and my hearing was. Should have seen her face when she realized we could hear her... er- singing... in the shower."

Speaking of, Amy is looking exasperated, dragging her hands down her face and staring heavenwards. "Chocolate doesn't make you gay. Not even magic chocolate."

"Magic chocolate? Again?"

The way everyone's heads whip around to stare at me is kind of comical.

"Mom!" My youngest practically charges at me, crashing into me with a hug. "Can I stay over? Amy said I could stay over!"

I note that Buffy is shaking her head 'no' as hard as she can while glaring at her sister.

"Maybe some other night, sweetie. I think tonight we're going to talk about how no one bothered to call me when you skipped school." I watch my eldest's expression morph from smug to guilty.

"Harmony was-"

I hold up a hand to cut her off. "Harmony is not my daughter."

"...fine..."

"Oh!" Amy snaps her fingers. "Before you go, Jack was hoping to talk to you about something." She gestures at a doorway. "He's hiding in the back corner of the library where the privacy spell is."

"...Privacy spell? Is that like what happened at the front door?"

"Yeah, he won't be able to hear you until you get past the blue tape."

"...okay." Blue tape? Is that like red tape for magic?

Jack is seated at a table with a stack of books, staring at what looks to be the front half of his cell phone. There's few more cell phones strewn about the table, one of them in pieces.

Whatever he's doing, he makes some notes on a piece paper before looking up as I approach and waves me over.

Oh, there's a line of literal blue tape on the floor.

"Hey, Joyce!" He smiles. "Great timing, I just finished up a project I wanted to talk to you about."

A project? What kind of project would he possibly need my help on. I don't even know what... "What is all this?"

"Evolution in progress."

"What?"

"This," he points to a piece of paper with a strange set of symbols drawn on it, "is the diagram for Amy's durability and fireproofing enchantments. But, it turns out that being rendered magically incapable of catching fire does not prevent a plastic cell phone from melting if the owner is lit on fire." He tosses a lump of plastic onto the table. It's barely recognizable as originally being another one of the same kind of phone he has open in front of him. "I'm trying to do some of the leg work for Amy in converting the fireproofing enchantment to a more generic thermal resistance." He shrugs. "It's not really my strong suit, but I find it calming."

"Anyway," he puts his pencil down, "that's not really what I wanted to talk to you about..." He pauses, rubbing his face, and then stares at me for a moment. "I was thinking about getting Dawn a cell phone."

"Oh, Jack. That's... Those are expensive. Things are good at The Gallery right now but-"

Jack just waves me off. "I'd be putting her on my account; it wouldn't actually cost her anything."

"No, Jack. That's too much for me to ask of you. She and Faith don't spend that much time on the phone."

Jack snorts. "My cell phone records might care to disagree with you there."

"Fine," I concede. "They may be on the phone together a lot. But I still can't ask you to pay for it."

"I want to." He smiles.

"And the fact that Dawn would have something Buffy would want has nothing to do with this?"

He grins at me. "I hadn't thought of that, but it is a nice added bonus." Jack's happy moment passes quickly and he shakes his head, sighing slowly as he leans back, tilting his chair up onto two legs. "But no ... mostly I want to do this because..."

"You shouldn't do that. You could fall and crack your skull."

"Huh?" Jack blinks at me. Then he looks down at his chair and rolls his eyes. "Oh... You know, I'm more likely to crack the floorboards than..." But despite his protests, he settles his chair back onto the floor. "Now that you mention it, I should probably reinforce the floor like I did the walls... But... that's not what I wanted to talk to you about either." " He shakes his head again. "How much did the girls tell you about what happened today?"

"As little as possible, per usual. Amy did mention your little case of spontaneous combustion, but they all clammed up when it came to the details."

"Right then," he kicks a chair out towards me, "have a seat and I'll try to cover the salient points."

Probably a bad sign. "So I take it that this is a conversation I'm going to want to be sitting for?"

"Honestly?" Jack scratches the back of his head and stares off the side for a moment. "It's... probably a conversation that you'll want a drink or three for. I'd offer you one, but William already drank everything that isn't best described as paint stripper."

"Oh." I should probably say something... more... than that but...

But anything that makes Jack feel this uncomfortable can't possibly be good. I sit down in the offered chair and give Jack a moment to collect his thoughts.

"Keep in mind that this is mostly conjecture since I'm hardly an expert, and this is mostly based on my own personal experiences but-" He cuts off, drumming his fingers on the table. "The short version is that powerful demons can use large quantities of magic to rewrite history. I suspect that this sort of thing actually happens fairly often, but in minor ways where the results aren't that noticeable to the average observer. Today however, one of those demons made it so that Willow and Xander were never friends. Obviously that impacted our little corner of the globe pretty heavily."

"Magic can do that? That's... horrifying"

"The good news is, given my somewhat love-hate relationship with magic, I wasn't affected. It left me abruptly stranded in a strange mockery of our town, but I at least knew it was wrong and could try and fix it."

"Right. I think Amy mentioned something about that.

"I thought so, but it turns out that Dawn found herself in the same situation."

...

"WHAT!?"

"Ah...The girls left that bit out then?"

"Of course they did."

"Of course." Jack nods. "Before you go express your feelings about that though. Did you know that even if you cancel your service contract, or, hypothetically speaking of course, if you suddenly found yourself in an alternate version of reality where your service contract was never even started... that your cell phone can still call 911?"

"You're not going to give this up are you?"

"Nope!"

"Fine. You can-" I look at the pile of phones on the table. "One of those is already in her name isn't it."

"Wow! It's almost like you know me or something." Jack smiles, grabbing one of the phones off the table and stands up. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go bribe your youngest daughter as blatantly as possible."

And just like that, Jack bounds off, shouting, "DAWN!" before he even clears the line of blue tape.

It's impossible to be mad at the boy for trying to keep my little girl safe.

Well, impossible for me, I amend as I watch Jack rush past my eldest. My eldest who apparently felt the need to stand by the doorway and watch us while we talked.

 **-Summers Residence - Kitchen : Tuesday, November 24th - Morning-**

I can hear footsteps walking into the kitchen behind me. "Finally. I was worried I'd have to drag you girls out of bed this morning."

"Mornin, Momma S."

I turn around and find Dawn standing next to Faith instead of my Buffy.

"...Good morning, Faith." I stare at my youngest daughter for a moment. "Dawn didn't tell me you were coming over this morning."

My youngest daughter looks completely unrepentant as she just grins back at me. She's obviously up to something.

Faith's brow furrows as she glances at Dawn before answering me. "Don't you have that art auction in L.A. today?"

"Well... yes, but-"

"Oooh... Pancakes!"

"...Would you like some pancakes, Faith?"

"Do bears sh- err..." I pretend not to have noticed my youngest elbowing Faith in the side. "Yes, please."

Rolling her eyes, Dawn shoves Faith towards the table, which appears to be all the encouragement Faith needs to start stacking pancakes onto her plate. I try not to smile too obviously as my youngest sits down and grabs a pancake of her own.

As I refill my coffee cup to cover my amusement, I can hear the girls chatting behind me. "Geez, did Jack forget to feed you this morning?"

Faith's response is too muffled by a mouthful of pancake to translate back into English. I think I heard the word loops? Dawn seemed to find it funny though. "Poor you." She's patting Faith on the head when I turn back around.

"Mmm hmmm!" Faith agrees enthusiastically.

"So..." Dawn glances at me.

I begin to carefully sip my coffee instead of paying attention to them.

"So..." My daughter starts again, smiling her 'I'm up to something' smile. "Spill! Is Willow being as awkward as my sister makes it sound?"

Faith groans. "It's almost painful to watch." She grabs a pancake and rolls it up. "You'd think makin out with a girl for an hour would get her out of the closet, but nope, 'parently not." Dipping the end into her syrup, she shoves half the rolled up pancake into her mouth.

My youngest daughter sits there, apparently torn between staring at Faith's eating habits and glancing at me occasionally in a way I'm sure she thinks is subtle.

What are they up to?

...

Wait.

"Okay, I can't help but ask… Isn't Willow dating Oz?"

I'm not sure why that question is grounds for so much laughter.

"Was… Momma S… Willow was datin Oz. She ain't no more."

"Hi, Mom..." My eldest half speaks, half yawns, as she walks into the kitchen and grabs my youngest by the arm. "Bye, Mo- ...Faith? What are you doing here?"

Faith looks up from her pancakes, brow furrowed in confusion again. "Picking you guys up for school?"

Buffy looks over at me. "I thought I was driving Dawn to school today."

Dawn shrugs in what I'm sure she thinks is a casual manner. "Amy already drove all this way to pick us up... it'd be kinda rude to just send them away now, wouldn't it?"

Ah, I see.

"But... I was going to stop by The Espresso Pump on the way to school."

"Why? Ames already has coffee in the truck."

"Oh. But I... umm... I..."

Faith sighs. "Jack is still stayin home sick to work on his project."

"Oh... okay then..." I can't help but notice that Dawn looks incredibly relieved as Buffy hands me back my car keys. "Let's go."

"B... there are pancakes," Faith replies, before taking another of them from her plate and rolling it up. At least somebody appreciates that I made breakfast this morning.

"Those… are empty calories."

"Pan. Cakes."

Freed from her sister's grasp, Dawn flops back into her seat and nudges Faith. "Jack's still taking us out for ice cream after school right?"

"Duh."

Hank used to take the girls out for ice cream. I wonder if I should be concerned that Dawn seems to be latching onto Jack?

Before I can decide how to phrase that question though, the pancakes are gone and the girls are shuffling out the door.

"See," I hear Dawn tell Faith as they head out the door, "I told you it wouldn't bother her."

...

What was supposed to bother me?

 **-Summers Residence : Thursday, November 26th – Late Morning-**

I look at the clock again before shouting up the stairs. "Girls!? It's time to get up! People are going to be here soon!"

"I'm up! I'm up!" Buffy stumbles out of her room.

"Well, hurry up and get dressed."

"I-" She yawns. "I am dressed."

"You're wearing sweatpants and an old tee-shirt. We're having company over. That is not appropriate attire for having company over."

"We're having Jack and crew over." She yawns again, as she starts coming down the stairs. "That's hardly company."

"Is it really too much to ask that the two of you try get along for one day?" I refrain from pointing out that, embarrassingly, it is often my daughter that starts their fights, as I don't expect it to help.

Apparently it is, since my daughter rolls her eyes at me. "Why would I would waste nice clothes on them? Besides, it's not like they're going to be dressed well either." Buffy puts her hand on my shoulder. "It's a school break. Who wears nice things if there's no one to see it? No one important, I mean."

"That's not-"

"Plus, remember the last time we had people over for dinner? What if there's zombies again? I'd need to tear my nice clothes up to fight them. And... and... Dawn's not even up yet!"

I smile as a muffled, "Am too!" comes from behind Dawn's door. A few seconds later her door opens and she pokes her head out. "I'll be down in a min... ute... Are you seriously going to wear that in public?"

"...Traitor." My daughters glare at each other for a moment before Dawn smirks and closes her door and Buffy starts down the stairs and towards the kitchen.

I'll try again once she'd had some coffee.

Following her into the kitchen and pouring myself a cup of coffee while I'm at it, I wait for her to finish dumping milk and sugar into hers. "They'll be here any-" As if on cue, the doorbell rings."...minute…"

A shouted, "I'll get it!" accompanies the thundering footsteps of my youngest coming down the stairs.

"Well, if you're not going to at least try to get dressed, can you go to the store and pick up some more cream and pecans?"

Buffy looks at me over her cup of coffee. "Okay, we always need more cream, but pecans? Really?"

"We need them if you want pecan pie. Oh, and while you're out could you grab a-" I watch my daughter's half awake face glaze even further over as she yawns. "I'll write it all down for you."

That done, I hold out the list.

Dawn practically waltzes into the room in a dress I've never seen before and snatches the list out of my hand. "I'll get them!"

"Oh. You will, will you? And just how do you plan to get to the store?"

"Jack will take me. They're here, by the by."

I raise an eyebrow at my daughter's presumption.

My daughter, of course, misses my attempted admonishment entirely since the boy in question, having followed her into the room, opts to speak up while standing right behind her. "What about me?"

"Gah!" Dawn jolts, spinning around and whacking Jack on the shoulder. "You're driving me to the store. Try not to give me any more heart attacks on the way."

"Yes, Boss." Jack gives Dawn a mock salute. "Just let me unload first." He holds up a bottle of wine in his other hand. "Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. We come bearing gifts."

"Thank you, Jack."

Taking the bottle from him, I go to put it away for later…

I don't know why I'm still surprised when they do things like this. Faith's table manners aside, none of Jack's family ever pass up an opportunity to remind the rest of the world just how well adjusted they all are. I sigh quietly as my maternal instincts struggle with the idea that maybe they really are all okay in the giant house by themselves?

...

Do I want to know how he bought a bottle of wine at his age? No. Probably not. Especially not a… "Jack, how did you even find a 78?"

"A huh in the what now?" Jack stares back at me with a blank expression as Dawn grabs his arm and tries to drag him out of the kitchen. Unsuccessfully.

"This bottle is easily worth 200 dollars."

Jack just shrugs at me. "So… should I tell Tuesday you approve?"

Tuesday? Who or what is a Tuesday?

"...Jack…" My youngest whines. "Come on, let's go."

"Dawn…" Buffy sighs, glaring at Jack.

"Behave," I try to hiss at… well, both of them at this point.

"I- He's- fine… Dawn can go to the store. Alone. With the vampire."

"Buffy!"

She throws her hands in the air and starts to stomp out of the kitchen, but runs into the rest of Jack's family coming in from the living room.

"We brought pie!" Amy holds up a- That looks home made. I didn't know Amy baked. "Well, we brought _a_ pie."

"I already said I was sorry!" Faith stomps in, looking slightly sheepish despite her words. "Sheesh, let it go."

"Don't worry, Faith, I'm sure they'll forget by the- Oh no!" Harmony suddenly sounds distressed.

"Uh..." Faith looks at Buffy with a furrowed brow. "Are we early?"

"Nope!" Dawn tells her happily. "That is what Buffy wants to wear today."

I should probably tell the girls to try and get along, but if they're going to help convince my eldest to change her clothes then who am I to argue? "And don't you four look nice, all dressed up."

Jack and Amy look adorable. His tie even matches her dress.

...

Though why is Faith wearing a burgundy tie? The rest of them seem to be doing some sort of wintery... blue and white theme. Which, if I may say, is just precious. Though… looking at them, only Jack and Amy are a matched pair. I wonder when that happened? I'll have to ask one of my girls sometime.

"Fine! I'll go..." Buffy trails off into giggles, staring at Jack.

...

"Are you wearing an earring?"

"...Yes..." He sounds so resigned. He even does that thing that makes him look like a marionette with its strings cut.

"A snowflake earring?"

"I... don't want to talk about it. Weren't you supposed to go change into something less..." He gestures at her vaguely. "you."

"I'll help!" Harmony offers cheerfully, grabbing my still laughing daughter by the hand and tugging her towards the stairs.

 **-Summers Residence – Kitchen : Thursday, November 26th – A Bit Later-**

Amy looks over from the sink where she's washing her hands. "You're sure you don't want any help with the food?"

I try my best to smile politely. "I think we're all set until Jack and Dawn get back."

"You're sure?"

"Amy… I've heard the stories about what happens when you get near the stove. Thank you for setting the table though."

"Hey now," she puts one hand on her hip and points at me with the other, "I am Fully-Caffeinated Amy, I refuse to be held accountable for what that other, caffeine deprived, idiot does just because we share a certain resemblance." Her motherly scolding tone is ruined by a lapse into giggles at the end. We'll work on that.

Speaking of working on things…

I can hear Faith's voice shouting. "Yo, B! You ready yet? Dawn says they're almost back from the store."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm on my way down. Hold your horses." My eldest shouts right back.

A short moment later I hear a low appreciative whistle and then laughter and clapping coming from the living room.

"Really, Faith? Really?"

"What? Just sayin."

Buffy comes into the kitchen, shaking her head but smiling.

"Oh, much better..." Hmmm... "Where did you get that dress? I don't think I remember seeing it before." I'm fairly certain I'd remember buying anything like that, and Burgundy isn't a color Buffy usually goes for. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure where that purple outfit Dawn was wearing came from either.

"Oh. Harmony brought it." She shrugs. "I don't know why, but it fits and she was very insistent that I try it on."

"Yeah, Harms can be like that." Faith points at her own outfit. "She woke me up early today to make me try all this stuff on. Thank Christ Jack won the argument about the clip on ties."

"He's wearing a clip on?" I sigh at my daughter's mocking tone. No doubt that's going to be the start of her and Jack's next... argument.

"Yeah." Faith detaches her tie and holds it up. "We're pretty sure he just hates wearing ties but he said he wasn't okay with any of us wearing a noose around our neck in a town like this."

"...That's... a good point." Buffy folds her arms over her chest and sulks.

"Honestly, Buffy, I don't see why you two can't-"

A loud metallic crunching noise comes from outside, followed by a series of dull thuds.

Faith looks around. "Did everyone else hear that?"

"Yeah, what was that?"

"It sounded like a car crash," Buffy says, grabbing her shoes. "A bad one, I think. We should go see if we can help. Somebody call 911?"

"Oh..." Amy sounds surprised as she walks up behind Faith. "Wow, yeah. It's day time so they might actually respond... Maybe?"

"On it." Harmony already has her cell phone out and pressed to her ear.

A loud pop, like someone setting off fireworks. Then another. And another.

Faith's head whips around to face the window. "...That was gunfire. Close by too."

Gunfire!? "Buffy, maybe you should let the cops handle this then? I don't want-" I grab the phone list off the wall. "I'm going to call Dawn, make sure she knows not to-"

A loud keening wail comes from Faith and Amy's pockets and they both suddenly lurch into motion. "Beacon!"

My daughter is only a half second behind them in racing out of the house.

By the time I get out the front door, they're already halfway down the street running towards where I can see Jack's truck.

Jack's very much upside down truck, sitting on the house at the corner's lawn.

A pair of large black SUVs, one with the front smashed in, are blocking the intersection.

Some sort of greenish skinned things are lying on the ground, more of them climbing out of the SUVs and heading towards the truck.


	80. Part 52 – Self Inflicted I

**Part 52 – Self Inflicted I**

 **-Winters Residence – Atrium : Friday Afternoon-**

Dawn stares at me. "Are you for real right now?"

"Um, are you seriously asking if I'm imaginary? Because really, how the fu- ...how would I know? It'd be your imagination after all."

All I get for my attempt at levity is an aggrieved teenage girl sigh and an eye roll as Dawn shifts her hands to her hips and glares at me.

My grin dies half formed as I hear Buffy muttering quietly to herself. "Not so funny when he does it to you is it?"

Buffy sounds amused. That won't do. "Or were you asking if I've started hallucinating?" I hold out the cell phone. "In which case, again, you'll have to tell me if there isn't actually a cell phone in my hand."

Dawn lunges forward to take the cell phone from me. She somehow manages to make, "Thank you!" come out like a battle cry.

Laughing, I move the phone just out of reach and stop her with my other hand. "Ah ah. This is a bribe. You can't have it until you agree not to be mad at me anymore."

Dawn folds her arms over her chest. "I can't be mad at you about anything... ever?"

Something about her tone of voice sets off warning bells in the back of my mind. What is she- Oh... She's tapping her arm where I can still see a bite mark. Right. That. "...No... You just can't be mad at me about that whole 'not showing up to the Birthday Party that no one remembered to invite me to' thing. I suppose that things I've actually done are still fair game. Deal?" I'd make a bigger deal out of that, but since the birthday party never actually happened, it'd seem petty, even by my admittedly lax standards, to hold a grudge over the lost invitation.

She looks at me suspiciously for a second before nodding. "Fair." She holds out her hand. "I agree to stop reminding you about how you totally forgot my birthday like a doofus."

I opt to cut my losses before I slip up again, and hand over the phone. Setting the precedent of being able to buy forgiveness is more important than achieving a clean slate anyway.

Watching Buffy alternate back and forth from jealous to annoyed, as she watches Dawn to do a little happy dance, helps take a lot of the sting out of it.

As does watching Joyce shepherd all the intruders out of my house.

...

Well, almost all of them.

"Amy! Why is Anya sleeping in my chair?"

"Because that's where she was when the tranquilizers kicked in?"

I rub my face and stare at Amy. "...Okay..."

Today... has been entirely too long a day, and it's _still_ not fucking over yet.

"Hey! Don't make that face at me; Buffy did it."

"Why-" I close my mouth and shake my head. "...Nope, don't tell me. I don't care, and I'd like to keep it that way." Amy and I look at each other for a moment before we both shrug almost in unison. "Got a moment to help me with something in the library?"

 **-Winters Residence – Library : Friday Evening-**

I sit in a salt circle while Amy chants in Latin.

That I can only recognize one word in four serves as my umpteenth reminder I still need to work on that whole learning to speak Latin thing. I wonder if there's a spell for that?

When she reaches the end of the second line I drink that potion which consists mostly of the herb which shall not be named, and my own blood.

Just like last time... I continue to sit, and Amy continues to chant. I forgot just how long this spell's whole song and dance routine was.

I focus on the random pieces of the show that I can remember. Particularly the parts involving Amy, Faith, Harmony, Dawn, Joyce... Damn, the list of people I would miss is getting distressingly long.

Not that I wasn't keenly aware of it already, but spending a day in an alternate timeline really hammered home that none of my family are replaceable. Not even by the alternate timeline versions of themselves.

I still feel... uncomfortable... yeah, let's go with uncomfortable... about what happened to my sister's counterpart. I'm self aware enough to know that Mother's voice had an agenda when it drove me to view the girl as an imposter.

When it drove me out of my mind and I-

...

You know what? Self awareness sucks.

I think I'm going to drown it in a bathtub full of self delusion for now. I can deal with that whole can of worms later, when I'm not feeling so strung out.

Amy's chanting reaches its peak and I brace for impact.

...

My tattoos suddenly tingle a bit, but nothing else happens.

"...Gods Damn It." I sigh.

"Didn't work?"

"Nope. Not sure why I thought it would. That would be way too easy. Anyway, I can't remember... er... wait..." I can remember the show?

"Yeah, yeah," Amy sighs, "The universe needs a better GM. I know." She frowns. "But why didn't it work? It worked last time."

"Hold that thought."

I walk myself through the scene in the episode where Buffy gets squicked out by telepathically discovering that Xander thinks about having sex with her...

And now I've squicked myself out. Joygasm.

"Are you okay? You looked like you were going to puke for a moment."

I somehow doubt that admitting to accidentally contemplating sex with Buffy is going to do me any favors here. On the plus side, I also accidentally reminded myself to check on Jonathan before... umm... whatever it was that made him suicidal drives him to deprive me of such a potentially useful contractor.

"I'll be fine." I hope. "I'm just confused." Shouldn't I remember why Jonathan was going to off himself? Or was it just never mentioned? "Last time we did this it hurt like fucking hell." Also, my tattoos tingled but I'm still affected? That can't be a good sign.

"Oh yeah." Amy tilts her head and studies me. "I remember you thrashing around." She smiles. "That sort of thing freaked me out back then."

"Yeah... back then." I snort. "No pain at all this time. Maybe it was just a result of some sort of spell conflict with my mother's handiwork?"

"Maybe." Amy shrugs.

"Either way, I think it worked? For the most part, anyway. The details are... hazier than last time. It's sort of like... Instead of remembering everything with perfect clarity, I remember everything as though I was wearing the wrong prescription of metaphorical glasses. I'm left with a good, but somewhat rough impression of what happened. The little details where the devil lives are... hazy." I suppose though that, even if I can't count how many stripes Buffy's shirt had in a particular scene or quote things precisely word for word, it'll do.

...

It'll need to.

"What do you need to remember so badly anyway?" Amy asks, biting into her traditional post-magic cookie.

Now it's my turn to tilt my head and study Amy. Hmmm... I'm not sure she'd react to discovering she's a fictitious character in a TV show where I come from. "I'm... not sure you want to know."

This earns me a raised eyebrow and Amy's curious face. "You're... not sure? _You._ "

"Well..." I roll my eyes, "it's not gross or anything like the stuff that usually freaks you out. It's more of an existential crisis type issue, but..."

"...But..?"

"It's one those things you can't un-know once you find out about it. You can suppress it and try not to think about it, but it's always going to be there in your mind. Like when you realize that your existence means that your parents had sex, or-"

"Stop!" Amy makes a gagging noise. "We've talked about that! Leave my delusions alone."

"Okay." I shrug and stand up. "In that case, I'm going to go check a few things for consistency and then I'll come back and take care of cleanup."

I make my way into to the atrium and confirm that my tattoos still block Amy's wards from sensing my presence.

They do. I'm not listed as in the house.

Weird...

My tattoos are still blocking the wards... but not the memory spell even though they flared.

I wonder how concerned I should be right now?

I'm still staring at the alerts board contemplatively when Faith walks in a moment later. "Yo!" She waves.

"Hey, Sis..."

I trail off as images begin flitting through my head in a rapid fire stream of consciousness sequence before my brain finally latches onto a very distracting looped sequence of Faith dancing around happily in a cheerleader outfit.

...

Fun as that is to watch...

I don't think that ever happened in Buffy.

That's from... a movie isn't it?

"You okay?"

"I'm..." I groan as the images flitting through my head shift again, flickering rapidly from scene to scene before getting stuck on loop again. Apparently my brain thinks I want to repeatedly relive my time with the imposter. I shake my head to try and clear it, but it doesn't really work. "...I'm not sure." Massaging my temples like Amy usually does doesn't work either, but it at least keeps me from sliding into gameface as my mind, firmly in full blown purple fire-truck mode, reaches the part of that event where I lost control. "I'll..." This is not helping. Taking a deep breath, I spin around and face back towards the library, and away from my sister. "I'll be at the quiet study table again if anyone needs me."

Mother and I are going to have a... chat... some day about her priorities.

From my sister's muttering behind me, she clearly intends to have her own chat with Amy about my sanity. I can't say I blame her.

 **-Winters Residence – Library : Friday Night-**

And... then... ummm... Buggerfuck. I don't know?

I toss my pencil down onto my notes and check the clock.

It looks like the memory spell only lasted about an hour?

I think I managed to get most of season 3's highlights down, so that's a plus. Especially considering how much more difficult it was to stay on topic when thinking about things kept dredging up scenes from other shows or movies. Or my own memories... that I'd rather not have. It was rather surreal to have my own mind doubling down on the whole stream of consciousness thing with or without my consent.

If I ever manage to regain detailed level of clarity that I had from the first spell, I'm going to have to recheck my notes for consistency.

Or, more likely, redo them from scratch.

Sigh.

Worse, glancing at the clock also confirmed my most unpleasant of suspicions.

It is... somehow... _still_ buggerfucking Friday.

Gods above and below this day just won't end.

Shoving my notes away from me, I rub my face in frustration.

One definite downside of never sleeping is that I can't even use a nap to fast forward through the remainder of today.

Maybe I could knock myself unconscious?

...

That seems... excessive. Especially since I'd need to remove the ring for it to last more than a moment.

And I need to head over to the hospital parking lot in a few hours to scrounge up a nurse for Jesse during the shift change.

Feeling my tattoos ping twice, I look up from my book in time to see Faith barrel her way into the library and over the blue line. "Yo! G-man and that new guy are at the door."

Fortunately, with the spell having worn off, I am not forced into a jumbled sequence of Faith related memories both good and bad.

Unfortunately, this leaves me staring at my sister apprehensively for a long enough moment that she's started frowning at me.

I try to smile at her before processing what she actually said to me and I wind up sighing in exasperation instead. "What could they possibly want _now_?"

Faith's frown deepens. "He said you invited them over to talk?"

"I- oh, Gods Damn It. I did, didn't I?" I swear, it seemed like a convenient way to shut him up at the time. Now it's just annoying.

Ah well, It's not like I was accomplishing much here anyway, and at least Giles remembered to pick up Wesley for me.

...Where exactly is the council expecting Wesley to live?

"So..." Faith fidgets in place impatiently. I swear the girl is even worse than I am about sitting still and I'm a compulsive pacer.

"So," I sigh, standing up and starting towards the atrium, "I'll handle it. You can go back to watching Wormhole Extreme with Amy and Harmony."

"Cool." ...and she's off, bounding off towards the library stairs and then, I assume, Amy's room. Reminds me of- No. That was not my sister, that was an imposter.

"You okay?"

"Huh?" I blink. Faith seems to have stopped at the bottom of the stairs. "What?"

"Sounded like you were growlin or groanin or somethin."

Well that's not good, I'll have to watch out for that. "You know how you can be minding your own business and then suddenly your brain is like... this seems like a perfect time to remember that super awkward thing that happened a while ago."

"Ah. Sucks." Faith commiserates for all of about one nanosecond before her expression brightens up and she smirks at me. "Want me to punch it? Teach it a lesson?"

Based on her smirk, I give it good odds that Faith is not unwittingly offering to punch her wish-verse imposter. "No, Faith, I don't want you to punch me in the head." I sigh, rubbing my face. "Just... go have fun."

My sister apparently needs no more encouragement. "Kay!"

Alright then, it's show time.

Again.

Shunting thoughts of Faith aside- err... wait.

"Actually," I yell up the stairs after her, "can you send Harmony down in a moment?"

"...Kay!".

If I have to do this, I may as well kill two birds while I'm at it.

Taking a moment to stretch, I forcibly plaster a broad smile on my face and head out into the atrium. "Mentle-gen! Would anyone care for some tea?"

Giles looks ready to decline, but Wesley's youth gives him a bonus to initiative. "Yes, thank you. Earl Grey if you have it."

I roll my eyes. "Of course I have Earl Grey, the local demonologists are both British after all. If you'll follow me, we can have this discussion in the Kitchen while the water boils."

...

Enforcing compliance by the simple expedient of walking into the kitchen before Giles can muster up a coherent protest, I pull the kettle down out of the cabinet we banished it to when relations turned... less genial... last weekend and-

It's not- Oh... it's already on the stove?

Shrugging, I dump out the old water and start to refill it.

As the water pours in, I turn to the Watchers with a frown. "I'm afraid I can't recall what it was you wanted to discuss with me. Something about my status as a civil servant? How's Ethan by the way?"

"I take it from your flippant tone that you're aware that Mayor Wilkins is-"

"A roughly 200 year old sorcerer who cut deals with a variety of demons to gain immortality?"

"Well... Yes, actually."

"Ah. I did notice that." Putting the kettle back down on the stove and turning up the heat, I shrug at my guests. "It's not really a secret among this town's non-human residents. " I raise an eyebrow at the man. "Doesn't really explain why you seem so upset though."

Again I'm treated to the amusing show of Giles' urge to polish his glasses conflicting with a desire to keep me within his field of vision at all times like I'm some sort of dangerous creature.

Before he can elaborate on what's bothering him though, Harmony skips into the kitchen and practically sashays up to me. "Faith said you wanted see me?" She half asks half states, in an entirely too cheerful tone in my opinion given the current company. Ah well.

"Yeah." I smile, and carefully try to duplicate the results I'm told I apparently got with Dawn as I push my idea about setting Wesley up with Cordelia into her head, but _not_ as a command. "Think it'll work?" I gesture towards the Watcher in question, mostly for their benefit.

Harmony blinks at me a few times before turning and looking Wesley up and down in a manner that apparently makes him faintly uncomfortable. More interestingly though, is that Giles suddenly goes still and appears to be trying not to draw any attention whatsoever to himself. I'll have to look into that.

When she turns back to me, she has a vaguely conflicted expression. "That could be fun. It won't stick though."

Well duh, I know it won't stick. Wesley winds up with-

...

Wait.

How do you- Is this a, 'I know Cordelia,' thing or another of those... Urgh. Harmony, if you keep saying things that might possibly be prophetic like that, then one of these days I'm eventually going to get around to taking your brain apart and figuring out just what the ever-loving fuck I did to make you that way.

Not that I would ever admit to either end of that train of thought in present company, so I just smile at her and nudge her along. "Awesome. _Have fun playing matchmaker."_

Harmony blinks at me a few times before a huge grin takes over her face. "Will do, Jack!"

...

As she somehow manages to dance out of the kitchen with even more enthusiasm than she came in with, it occurs to me that she seemed oddly enthusiastic about fixing Cordelia and Wesley up considering she doesn't expect it to take.

Speaking of, it takes Wesley a few seconds, but he does finally speak up. "What just happened? Should I be concerned?" He asks, as though mirroring my thoughts.

Admitting that I'm not actually sure what just happened seems counterproductive, so I shrug off the oddity that is Harmony Kendall and move on with my unlife. "Just taking some basic precautions against humanity's unfortunate tendency towards hormonal idiocy. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Unless, that is, the two of you wanted to spend the evening discussing the mating habits of the Californian Teenagers?"

"Ah. No. That's..." Wesley fiddles with his collar uncomfortably, "quite alright."

Giles... looks to be choking on something. "Giles? Are you alright? Oh, shit. I'm sorry, did I accidentally make you picture Buffy and Liam?" Cause if I didn't, I certainly have now. I fight the urge to grin at the man as he twitches in his seat.

The three of us stand in my kitchen staring at each other awkwardly for a moment.

Scratching the back of my head, an idea occurs to me. "Hmmm... Maybe you two can help me with a decision I'm kind of stuck on. Do either of you have any other plans tonight because I should probably start at the beginning."

"Starting at the beginning is generally for the best."

"Awesome. So, Amy and I decided that we wanted to sell some of the loot our little treasure hunt- Err... I assume Willow already told you all about that?"

"Willow did mention your penchant for grave robbing once or thrice, yes."

"...Right..." I roll my eyes. Of course that's how she sees it. "So, not much later I get a call from Joyce telling me some of the paintings sold for 50 grand. Each. I was thrilled. Confused too though, since the things made modern art look good by comparison. But hey, money's money, you know? So to celebrate, Amy and I went out and bought ourselves a house." I needlessly gesture at the house in question, and then sigh. "And then that's when things got... complicated..."

"Complicated?"

"Yeah. It turns out the man buying the paintings was Mayor Wilkins. I gather they were part of some sort of collection he was trying to complete. Next thing I know he's paying me to scour the caverns under the town looking for even more crap. I've-" The kettle begins to whistle. "-Oh. Hold on." I grab three mugs. "How do you take your teas? I've got skim, whole, and, if you're brave enough to risk Amy's ire, then there looks to be a little bit of the flavored creamer I got her hooked on left."

"Just a splash of low-fat milk will be fine."

"Okay," I shrug, "I'm not sure French Vanilla would have gone with Earl Grey all that well anyway."

"Yeah, good call." Faith adds, leaning in through the doorway. "Ames can get cranky if you mess with her coffee intake."

"Faith?" Didn't she happily flee this meeting a few minutes ago? "Is everything all right?"

"Yeah, everythin's fine." She grins right back at me as she walks in. "Just figured I should check if there was anythin goin on B and I should know about?"

"Not that I'm aware of?" I look at my guests.

"Not as such, no."

Leaning against the counter next to me, arms folded, my sister tilts her head and stares at the Watchers for a moment. "But you'd tell us if there was?" She smells deli- GODS DAMN IT! NO!

"Of course."

"Of course, he says." Faith huffs, clearly disbelieving. She punches me in the shoulder. "Keep an eye on these two, they look shifty."

"Shifty!?" Wesley protests. Giles just shakes his head in mild exasperation.

"Yah." Faith points at the two of them. "Shifty."

"Funny you should mention that..." I scratch the back of my head as Faith's focus swivels around to me. She raises an eyebrow at me, doing a decent imitation of Amy's 'explain yourself' face. "So... somehow an offhand comment I made on the... quality... of the local police department turned into a discussion about Wilkins appointing me to be the County Sheriff."

"You?" Faith giggles. "Sheriff?"

"I know, right?" I shake my head. "Cause I don't have enough to do already. Ungh. He says it would just be in case of emergencies. Like if another major crime that needs to actually get solved ever crops up in our _peaceful little town_."

"Maybe you should tell Wilkins to have his head examined."

"Hey. Shush, you."

Faith laughs, walking back out of the room. "I'm just sayin, Sherlock you ain't." I stick my tongue out at the door.

Giles clears his throat. "As horrifying a thought as your joining the ranks of local law enforcement may be-"

Holding up a hand to stop him, I sigh and lean back against the counter again. "Yeah... I don't- I told him I needed to... think... abou- Where did I- Faith stole my hot cocoa didn't she?"

"I believe she nabbed it while accusing us of being shifty." Giles informs me wryly.

"Of course she did..." I groan as the dots connect. "She probably heard the kettle. I bet that's the only reason she even came back downstairs." Sighing, I grab the kettle off the stove and start refilling it. "One moment please, gentlemen." I put the kettle back on the stove. "The swarm of locusts will be here soon."

"I'm sure." Giles at least seems momentarily amused by my loss of hot cocoa before returning to the topic at hand.

Then again, I'm sure the Scoobies do this sort of thing to him all the time.

...fuck.

I'm my people's Giles.

Not respecting my little moment of horrifying realization, Giles continues. "I fail to see what any of this has to do with the man's attempt to sacrifice babies to a greater demon, however."

"Oh. Nothing really, I guess." I shrug. "I was going to try to transition into illustrating how much work goes into keeping this town from exploding into open chaos. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love this town. It's home. I was born here and everything. But-"

"Born?" Wesley asks, suddenly shifting in his seat as he changes notebooks. "Vampires aren't born."

I roll my eyes. "Fine. Sunnydale is where I transitioned from non-being into being and then crawled out of my incubation chamber. Is that better?"

Wesley blinks at me in confusion. "Incubation cha-"

"He means coffin. He's just being pedantic." Giles idly gestures for Wesley to shut up, almost as if it's an unconscious afterthought.

"I do that, it's true. But like I was saying, I wasn't involved in Wilkins' alleged attempted baby sacrifices. So you would really need to pester him about any eggs he broke making his omelets while I was in Europe."

"Egg- Omelets!? The man is consorting with demons!"

" _I'm a demon!_ Believe it or not, the vast majority of us _like_ this bass-ackwards little world _we all live in_." Taking a deep breath, I fend off the sudden urge to eat the man and be done with this retarded argument. Of course, that would be counterproductive since, after all, "I'm _trying_ to _help_ you people keep it spinning!"

"Yes, well you're doing a bloody marvelous job of it."

"You know what? Fine. You want me to stop helping? I'll stop helping. The next time a vial of _your_ Slayer's blood goes for a walkabout I'll just leave it well enough alone. I'm sure your people can handle it without me."

...

I probably shouldn't have said that.

Gods damn it, this day needs to fuck off already.

Giles is staring at me very intensely, as though attempting to X-ray me through sheer force of will alone. "And what, precisely, is that supposed to mean?"

Sigh.

Yup. Definitely shouldn't have said that. Too late now.

"Budapest was a business trip. Think... giant Yankee Swap sort of affair. Everyone brings something, everyone walks away with something else. With the added benefit of it all being completely anonymous. Now, considering that I was the courier delivering Wilkins' end of whatever deal got cut, you can imagine my surprise when I arrived and found a vial of Buffy's blood on the swap list."

The speed at which Giles levels himself up out of his seat is almost impressive... for a man his age anyway. "And you waited until _now_ to mention it?"

I shrug. "It didn't seem like that big of a deal."

His expression is blatantly disbelieving. " _Not that big of a deal!?_ Have you _any_ idea what kind of dark magic can be accomplished with blood!?"

I'd tell him that yes, I know _exactly_ what kind of nonsense a vial full of freely given blood can let you get up to. I'm a fucking _blood_ demon that dabbles in sorcery after all. But watching him lurch towards full blown panic is both great fun, and a very rare opportunity.

"You're telling me that some mystery buyer, in God knows where, now has a vial of my Slayer's blood! You've managed to give them nearly a month's head start. And _this_ is your idea of _helping!?"_

"Actually..." I make a show of inspecting my fingernails. Judging from Giles expression he finds the behavior at least as irritating as I do when the girls do it to me. "My idea of helping was camping out next to the exchange point until someone came to pick up the blood, following the buyer home, murdering his entire cult of trigger happy religious fanatics, and personally overseeing the blood's destruction."

...

Giles stares at me for a moment. "You waited until _now_ to mention it?"

"I wasn't planning to mention it ever." I shrug. "You people seem to get pretty bent out of shape when that whole us versus them mentality you have going on is challenged." I shrug at Giles' confused expression. "Even if it's a massive case of do as I say, not as I do, they _were_ human cultists. And no, I didn't ask them why they wanted it; I don't speak religious wing-nut. But, before your paranoia goes there... _yes_ , I'm very much certain that the blood is _all_ gone." I tap my nose. "It was Slayer's blood and I was hungry at the time."

Another conflicted expression crosses Giles' face before he settles on a look of annoyed exasperation. "Yes, I'm sure _murder_ works up quite the appetite."

"Ha. Fucking ha." I wave my hand dismissively. "Save your hypocritical preaching for someone who cares. We both know you'd do the same or worse to protect Buffy. Or have called in a wet works team to do it for you. The only real difference between us is that I'm capable of letting myself enjoy my work as it were." Giles continues to stare at me like I'm hiding something. It's all the more annoying because I am. I think, before he can pick a new line of questioning, that it's willful misunderstanding time."Oh, for fucks sake, if I had kept any of it for some nefarious purpose then I'd hardly have needed to have her to give me a fresh vial this afternoon."

Giles eyes bulge slightly. "Buffy wouldn't- She knows how dangerous-"

I stare at Giles and find myself channeling Dawn again. "Are you for real right now?" It's fun, I can see why Dawn does it so often. "Because I've got a fresh vial of freely given blood in the fridge that says Buffy very much _doesn't_ understand how magic works."

Giles glares at me and opens his mouth, but it's not his voice that asks, "why?"

...

Giles and I both glance over at Wesley.

Sitting there calmly while he took notes made it entirely too easy to forget he existed at all, let alone that he was in the room with us. I'm obviously getting better at ignoring heartbeats.

...or... having two of them going on in the back ground is part of what's driving me to such irritation that I'm letting things slip. Gods Damn It!

Dragging myself back to the conversation at hand, I force my face into a genial expression and answer what I choose to interpret as the man's perfectly valid question. Mostly because I have an equally valid answer that will annoy Giles. "I'm running a full STD panel to make sure she didn't catch syphilis. Or... whatever other diseases she might have been exposed to when she-" I finally haul myself up short. As annoying as Giles is being right now, watching Liam squirm this morning was entirely too much fun to give up _that_ game so soon. I clear my throat. "-had her ill thought out one night stand." Even self censored, Giles twitches at thereminder. "Understandably, in my humble opinion, she'd prefer the testing be done anonymously instead of going down to the local clinic _with her mother_. I'm having the whole gang tested while we're at it, because why not."

"I see." Wesley jots down a note in the margins of his notes.

"Good!" I shrug at Giles and tell him in as cheerful a voice as I can, "on the plus side, I _think_ we can skip the pregnancy testing." Yes, I am well aware that I'm provoking the man, but he started it. And also, yes, it would seem that I _am_ an oversized child masquerading as a functioning adult.

Speaking of which, Giles and I both glare at each other from across the kitchen. Gods, it's like he's-

...

He's provoking me on purpose isn't he? Probably hoping I'll slip up.

And it's _working._ Gods Damn It.

Why did I think having him over was a good idea? Oh right, I didn't. I was just impatient, in a hurry, and strung out after my Friday had already hit hour 28.

As if sensing that we needed a distraction, the kettle starts to whistle and I hear footsteps moving down the stairs. Sounds like... Amy, I think.

I hold up a finger and glare at the Watchers. With any luck my expression manages to properly convey that I will murder them slowly if they harass Amy. Pouring the hot water into the mugs, I force a smile onto my face and hold up the two freshly made hot cocoas just as Amy bursts into the kitchen.

Her mouth opens and then closes twice before finally settling on, "...thank you."

"Of course. It was only a matter of time once Faith stole mine, and I wasn't about to let you near the stove, now was I?"

"Ha. Ha. Very funny." She sticks her tongue out at me as she takes the mugs. "Care to explain why Faith is _insisting_ we watch Robin Hood?" She glances pointedly at the watchers. "I thought you were still thinking that over."

"I am, but since when has Faith ever let pesky little details like that stop her?"

"Ah. Am I to take it that you're aware of Mr. Winter's recent job offer?"

Amy... blessed, beautiful, wonderfully sarcastic Amy... rolls her eyes, heaves the sigh of an exasperated teenage girl, and smiles at me before slowly turning around to face Giles. I take a moment to collect myself while Amy handles the verbal sparring with Giles. "Of course I do. Jack tells me everything," she glances over and smirks at me before shrugging at Giles, "...eventually."

"Does he now?" Something about Giles' tone is... worrisome. I casually shift a step to my left, or at least as casually as I can while this irritated, putting the box of steak knives within easy arm's reach.

"Duh." Amy takes a sip of her hot cocoa. "Except for the gross stuff, but I had to work hard to get him to stop that."

"Excellent, perhaps you should join us then. I believe we were about to move on to discussing his penchant for knowing what the future holds."


	81. Part 53 – Self Inflicted II

**Part 53 – Self Inflicted II**

 **-Winters Residence – Kitchen : Still Friday Night-**

Why hello there, applecart. Why are you upside down? Oh, what's that? Somebody upended you? No way! Was it really Mr. Giles? How incredibly rude of him to do that to you.

Amy's sudden laughter interrupts my attempts to seethe in peace. She turns to me and asks, "is this about that stupid theoretical math thing again?" She sounds like a teenage girl that's both amused and exasperated by just how incredibly boring the old people she's stuck with are.

Giles' appears to be properly pole-axed by Amy's apparently unexpected reaction. I think that's probably because he can't smell how annoyed she is. Or see that her right eye is twitching as she stares at me with her 'this is fine' face.

Wesley takes the bait a bit faster than I can formulate a proper response though. "Theoretical math thing?"

I wave him off. "Just a pet theory of my father's about free will being both physically and logically impossible. Amy and I kicked it around and are still undecided as to whether or not the existence of magic changes anything." I plaster an amused smile onto my face and shake my head. "Not important. Giles was actually talking about that existential stuff you were trying to help me with earlier."

Amy blinks at me. "Oh..." She rubs her face and groans. "Really? The existential stuff? ...Why?" Amy's expression starts to slowly shift towards her 'What the hell, Jack!?' face. At least, I think that's what she calls that face. Or should. I've yet to see that particular expression aimed at anyone else.

Ever.

At the moment I suspect it's her way of telling me to hurry up and let her in on what's going on.

"Honestly, I think he's just taking Mother's prophecy about Buffy's sex life incredibly personally. Which is funny, really, since he's here picking a fight with the guy she drafted to stop it."

'Buffy's sex life' Amy mouths at me, folding her arms across her chest. I watch as Amy forcibly contorts herself into an expression of polite confusion before slowly turning around to face Giles. "You do know that she's way too young for- Wait!" Amy spins back around and stares at me with an affronted expression. "What do you mean by, 'trying to help?' I thought you said it worked."

Huh? Oh. "The memory spell wore off again."

"Mem- Again?" Giles asks.

I almost lose it at Amy's half hearted, dismissive, gesture as she tells Giles to shush. "Not now. Grownups are talking." She pinches the bridge of her nose. "...Did you drink more of Liam's blood?"

"More?"

Okay, Amy might be onto something here. Ignoring Giles completely is kind of amusing. Sadly, my enjoyment is tempered by the knowledge that this is probably what he was going for.

"No, why?" I shrug, tilting my head to the side. "Was I supposed to? You didn't say to."

I cut off as Amy points at me. "Because the spell isn't supposed to just wear off after..." She checks her watch. "An hour? Seriously?"

"Right... I know that. That's why I'm telling you that it happened. I would have told you sooner but our houseguests," I suppose pointing at them counts as acknowledging them but I do it anyway, "showed up just as the effect was wearing off."

"I see." Amy smiles at me. Clearly everything is fine. "Wait, no I don't. Why the hell do we care who or what Buffy sleeps with?"

"I think Giles brought it up in the hopes that mommy and daddy would start fighting in front of the children."

"Well that's rude." Amy tilts her head to the side and feigns confusion. "I thought British people were supposed to be polite?"

"That's Canadians." I snort. "I mean, you've met my brother? He's English."

"Ooooh." Amy holds the 'o' sound the entire time as she slowly turns back towards the watchers. She takes her time too, I think I heard Giles start to protest being compared to Spike but then give up on it when Amy just continued to 'talk' over him. When she's finally facing them she shifts her 'this is fine' voice into high gear. "Okay then. Get the fuck out of my house."

...

Huh.

Why didn't I think of that?

 **-Winters Residence – Atrium : Moments Later-**

Amy slams the door shut.

She stands there staring at it for a moment, taking a few deep, calming breaths.

"...Wow." I raise my mug of cocoa at her as if giving a toast. "You actually mom voiced Giles into leaving."

"Thank you, thank you." Amy curtsies and mimes accepting an award. "I'd like to thank all the little people I stepped on to get here today."

"Yes." I laugh and set my mug down to clap. "Bravo!"

"So…" Amy flops down into her usual chair. "How much do you actually know about the future?"

"You're sure?"

Amy stares at me for a long moment but then finally nods her head yes.

"Long, short, or detailed?"

Another long pause, more staring, and this time Amy includes a variety of indecisive faces. "Is there a version that doesn't make you act this weird?"

"Huh?"

"You're being all… not you. Usually you just declare that I don't want to know… Or tell me things I wish you hadn't."

"There's a difference between sex and violence and… stuff that might directly degrade your sanity just by knowing it."

"Okay. Let's stick to whatever the safest version is for now then? But!" Amy points at me. "I reserve the right to change my mind later."

"Okay..." I flop down in my own seat and put my feet up on the coffee table. "The simple version is that I- Wait. Where's Anya?"

Amy rolls her eyes at me. "I let her go once she sobered up. Buffy was the one that was insisting we keep her."

"Oh."

She gestures for me to continue. "Simple version is that you..?"

"I-"

"Guys! Help!" Faith calls loudly from upstairs. "Harm's bein weird."

Amy and I look at each other and groan. "Now what?" We ask each other almost in unison as we both lever ourselves up out of our seats and head upstairs..

 **-Winters Residence – Amy's Room :** ** _Still_** **Friday Night-**

"...Goodbye, Faith. Live well."

Amy leans towards me and whispers into my ear. "What the hell just happened?"

"I assume the alternate timeline's Professor Dormer must have asked Harmony to pass on a message." I shrug.

Harmony's eyes come back into focus and she blinks at us a few times before smiling. "I did good?" There's no trace whatsoever of the British accent she had just a moment ago.

I glance over at Faith. She looks... She's blinking a lot, and has a far away sort of look in her eyes, but doesn't seem upset per-se so much as nostalgic. Understandable all things considered.

"I think I'm going to go with... yes?" I nudge my sister.

"Huh? Oh. Yeah, thanks. I'm-" Faith shakes her head a bit. "I'll be in my room."

Watching my sister walk out of the room- "Ow!" I turn around to glare at Amy. "What're you hitting me for?"

"That's not what I meant and you know it!" Apparently my confusion shows on my face because she stops punching my arm and drags her hands down her faces. "Seriously!?" She points at Harmony. "What the hell was that!?"

From Amy's expression, I gather that shrugging was apparently the wrong answer. "Best guess? It sounded like she co-opted part of her rule-set as a storage medium."

"What?"

"I wanted to make sure that she would always remember the rules. Like that what we do is not gossip fodder."

"What does that have to do with her sitting there telling herself to fast forward?"

"I'm not sure, obviously, but I don't think Professor Dormer's message was the first bit of information she crammed into her own head that way. I think she was playing through them all in order; she was reciting the answers to last week's History exam at one point."

"Why?"

"How the hell should I know? She's Harmony. Her mind is stranger than the cat's." I point at the ball of black fur in question.

Amy opens her mouth, and then closes it. This cycle repeats twice more before she finally shrugs. "...Fair point."

"Which reminds me... Harmony, do you have any more messages from that other timeline?"

"Umm... My mom wants me to find a rich boy and-"

"I thought you fixed that!"

"I did. In this timeline, not- You can ignore that one, Harmony."

"Okay!"

"Any other messages?"

...

"No- Oh, shoot! I was supposed to tell Thomas about the vampires."

"Okay..." That's probably wrong... "Who's Thomas?" Glancing over at Amy, I find her staring back at me looking just as lost as I feel.

"Thomas O'Toole." Harmony helpfully supplies.

"O'Toole? As in Jack O'Toole?"

"Yeah, they're cousins." Harmony nods happily, but then frowns. "...I think?"

I look over at Amy again. "Jack O'Toole has a cousin?" Amy stares back at me, her expression shifting from confused to exasperated.

"Seriously? How are you this terrible with names?"

...

"She's talking about Thomas."

"...Right..? I did hear her say it."

"Thomas."

Why do the girls always seem to think repeating themselves in a more annoyed tone of voice will help?

Amy gestures at herself and makes a face I haven't seen before. She's pointing at her chest and face?

"Thomas... Is a girl?"

"Oh, Goddess." Amy throws her hands up and looks vaguely uncomfortable for a moment before huffing out, "...burn scars?"

"Oh! Burnt Face. Why didn't you just say so?"

Amy throws her hands up in the air. I can hear her muttering, "But Jack O'Toole he remembers just fine," to herself as she starts to massage her temples.

I turn back to Harmony who's apparently just been sitting there, watching us, with a goofy grin on her face this entire time.

"And what vampires are you supposed to tell him about?"

"Just that they exist."

...

"That's it?"

"Yup! I'm supposed to sing the song so he'll believe-

"Song?"

Harmony's eyes glaze over she mumbles to herself quietly. Even I can barely make out every third or fourth word, which is enough to figure out she's 'fast forwarding' again. I guess playback volume is dictated by how excited she is to deliver the message? Suddenly Harmony looks back up at at us and launches into a song that sounds… strangely familiar?

Amy apparently feels the same way judging by her expression.

We stare at each other for a moment before Amy snaps her fingers and points at Harmony. "Is that the smurfs song?"

"Yes!" That's why it sounded familiar. "Same tune rather, I don't think it was originally all about Thomas."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious."

Mock glaring at Amy's smirk I reach out and put a finger over Harmony's lips. "And thank you too, Harmony. You don't have to sing it any more just now." I wait for her to stop before I take my finger away. "So you sing the song and tell him that vampires are real?"

…That should be a rule violation.

Shouldn't it?

"And souls, and demons, and that he should find Father Callaghan and Xander Harris." She makes Xander's name sound like something she scraped off her favorite boots after it insulted her mother.

Then again, I think only one of those things would actually bother Harmony.

"And I'm not supposed to tell you about any of this because you're a vampire."

Amy gives a startled laugh. "Umm... Harmony..."

I roll my eyes and smile at Amy as I pat Harmony on the head. "Aren't fail-safes great?" Thank the gods some of my work stuck the way I expected.

My cell phone's alarm buzzes in my pocket.

"Finally! Okay, Harmony, you don't have to worry about that message either. I'll take care of passing it along. Amy, can you check on Faith for me? I have to go out for a bit."

"...Jack..." Amy whines at me. "Please don't. I already feel bad enough."

"Huh?"

"You're going to go harass Thomas, aren't you?"

"No, of course not. Don't be ridiculous. I'm busy tonight wrangling up a nurse for Project... Um... I think I'm going to call it Project Lazarus. More importantly I don't feel particularly like it at the moment. I'll deal with Thomas later." My current mood is not... conducive... to peaceful discussion, as I learned a bit ago with Giles. Or anything nonviolent at all really, if I'm being honest with myself.

"You said you'd leave him alone."

"Yeah... that was before his alternate self stabbed me with some sort of homemade magic dagger. It hurt."

"It- oh." Amy seems to grasp the implications readily enough, her eyebrows shooting up. "Okay. I get it."

"But… what's even more interesting is that it makes my whole hand tingle when I hold it."

Amy sighs. "Fine… go do what you need to do. I'll check on Faith."

She sounds… upset? Weird.

Then again, the last time I brought a nurse home she wound up with a surprise Foley catheter.

 **-Winters Residence – Library : Saturday Morning-**

I have vague recollections of Father watching some sort of animated documentary about Edison inventing the lightbulb when he was a kid.

I think when I describe this process later I'm going to pretend it went like that and not... well... whatever it is that's going on in the library right now.

Fortunately, Harmony seems to be blissfully unaware of just how mind boggling I find the idea that she's... "helping Amy with her research."

Harmony Kendall... is doing research.

It's like... Buffy driving.

Well, maybe not that bad? Harmony is far less likely to kill someone while reading magazines.

... I think.

Why is a stack of fashion magazines involved in either designing something to make me unable to hear heartbeats or fixing my memory?

...

On second thought, I probably don't want to know.

Especially since I think Amy may still be peeved about last night.

Smile plastered firmly onto my face, I slowly put one foot behind the other and back out of the library. Amy waves goodbye to me cheekily, but seems content to keep her obvious amusement at my probably startled expression mostly to herself.

Okay then, the library is off limits today. I guess it's time to finally deal with decontaminating the lab?

Or... I could do that work I've been meaning to do on Sheila.

Cleaning? Or tinkering? Hmmm... that's a tough call. I snort. Not.

I think I'll let those fans I set up last night while the nurse was working have another day, or maybe three, to make a dent in the smell.

As an added bonus, it also gives me a valid excuse drag Faith out of her funk. Vegetating in her room alternating between cartoons and reading through the files my lawyers had on Professor Dormer can't be healthy.

"Faith!" I yell out as I cross the atrium. "I need your help moving our new toy."

It takes Faith a few seconds to respond, but I can hear her cartoons cut out so I wait.

Eventually I can hear her door open and her face pokes out over the upstairs railing. "Would it kill ya to buy the damn things in sizes you can lift by yourself?"

"No, I suppose it wouldn't." I shrug. "But if I did that then we wouldn't get to spend an hour bonding over what a heartless bitch Gravity is."

"Fine." She huffs out as she makes her way down the stairs. "Why does the truck even need one of these things?"

"...To power the railgun when-"

"Oi! Less talky, more worky!" Faith is suddenly right next to me, shoving me towards the door. "We've got a thingamabob to install."

"They're called capacitors, Faith. More specifically, it's a pulse discharge capacitor."

"Right. That's exactly what I said... a thingamabob." She shrugs at me. "It's a technical term."

I love my sister. Even just the promise of future violence has her all cheered up.

I can definitely work with that.

There will be no moping on my watch!

 **-Winters Residence – Driveway : Saturday Evening-**

I turn the key.

Nothing happens.

More specifically, Sheila doesn't start.

All I get is an odd clicking sound.

Faith and I look at each other and frown simultaneously.

"Okay, Miss 'Automotive Shop Is a Perfectly Valid Class Choice'... what did we do wrong?"

Faith shrugs at me.

I look back into the truck bed where my latest obnoxiously oversized capacitor purchase is now bolted down and wired up.

"Hmmm..." I scratch at where my beard appears to have finally reached the five o'clock shadow stage after only... 6? 7? months. Vampirism has the damnedest side effects. Being stuck at 17 and a half physically probably isn't helping either. Anyway... "Nothing we did should even be relevant until the truck is started, right? The capacitor's circuit only gets activated when the truck is on. Do you think we have a short?"

"Nah, B ain't here."

I snort and reach over to muss up Faith's hair. "Good-"

…wait...

Well, crap.

"Uhh... we did put the battery back in, didn't we?"

Faith's expression tells me everything I need to know.

"Gods Damn It," I huff and raise my hand. "All in favor of leaving this part out when we tell Amy what we did today?"

Faith's hand shoots up. "Motion carried!"

"Awesome." I open the door and start to climb out of the truck. "We've obviously been at this for too long at a stretch, let's put the battery back in and then go eat. We can pull the paneling and etch the rune-work tomorrow. You up for some sparring after dinner?"

Faith's whole face lights up. "Always!"

 **-Winters Residence – Training Room : Saturday Night-**

I pull in my fangs as my sister rolls off me and sprawls out on the floor next to me.

Staring at the ceiling for the umpteenth time tonight, I listen to her heart beat start to slow as she sucks in a deep breath of air.

Ha!

She sounds tired. Finally.

I've said it before, I'll say it again, Slayers are such fucking cheaters.

Not that I can talk. My breathing and heart rate are steady and I haven't even broken a sweat.

And yes, I'm choosing to ignore that this is only because I can't actually do anything to make those statements untrue even if I want to.

Faith obviously can.

"Well that was... different…"

"Yeah... I should be good to go again in a little bit."

I snort, but I can already hear her breathing and heart rate leveling back out.

Impressive. I guess the only option for beating Slayers is still to just let them exhaust themselves in the course beating you to a pulp for hours on end. I'll just have to remember not to let them ever have more than two minutes peace or I'll have to start over again.

"I think I'm done for tonight. How's your hand?"

Faith sighs and holds up her right hand and wiggles her fingers. "Still a little sore." She shrugs.

"And what did we learn tonight?"

"That my brother's a bonehead?"

"Ha. Fucking ha. Very funny. Try again?"

"Bitch, I'm hilarious." We stare at each other for a moment, tongues stuck out at each other, before Faith caves. "...fine... I learned to only punch you in the head when you're not in vamp-face."

"That's not-" Okay, technically she did knock me out the same way earlier tonight without hurting herself. Maybe game face isn't purely cosmetic? Food for thought. "Come on Faith, Just because you can kick my ass is no excuse for poor form. Even if it did knock me unconscious, a broken hand would be bad news bears if you had more than one opponent. Or if I hadn't lost consciousness long enough to fall to the ground."

"Yeah, yeah... I get it."

I sigh. No, Faith… I don't think you do. Not really. Not yet.

"Why were you in vamp-face anyway? You don't usually do that."

Or maybe she does? On some level anyway. "I lost control."

"Huh?"

"Remember that red haze I was telling you about? For that second or two before you turned off my lights, I wasn't… entirely myself."

"Freaky."

"Yeah. Fortunately, my alter ego is a fucking moron that drops his guard."

Faith coughs. "Ummm… bout that..."

"Shush you. I know I telegraph. I'm working on it."

"If you say so."

"I say so. Promise something though, will you, Faith? If I ever go feral, I want you to drop me. Hard and fast, just like tonight. Okay?"

"Okay." Faith cracks her knuckles and grins at me.

"Good. Try not to hurt your hand again doing it though."

"Right…" Faith rolls her eyes at me. "Hey, Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"What's feral mean?"

"Oh." Fucking inner city schools. "Uhh… like a rabid animal. Remind me to take you to Pylea sometime and show you what vampires look like when they're fully dissociated from their hosts."

"Road trip? Awesome!" She scrunches up her nose. "Where's Pylea?"

"A few dimensions over from here. It's where Lorne's from."

"Cool!

"Yeah, you'll love it." I look around. "Where'd your stake go anyway?"

"No idea."

"I swear, it's like you're eating them or something."

A bit of searching later, we eventually find a stake under the mats. Faith doesn't seem to care, or even notice, that it isn't the stake she started with, and I decide against saying anything because I hate searching.

"Awesome." I let go of the mats, and flop down on the stack of them. "Hey, can you hand me my notebook on your way out?" I point at the bench across the room.

Faith, halfway to the door, turns back to me. "Can't you just like... magic it to you?"

"That's what I'm trying to do! It's called friendokinesis. I guess it doesn't work so well on baby sisters."

Faith folds her arms over her chest and sticks her tongue at me. "Ya know what I meant."

"If I was capable of moving things with my brain like Amy, I would. But right now all that happens when I try is a few pages twitching. Maybe. Here, watch." I hold out a hand towards the desk and focus on my notebook as I start the short chant Amy uses.

...

"I would like to point out that I was not wrong. The pages twitched!"

"Yeah, after they hit you in the face," Faith eventually gasps out in between bouts of laughter.

"Well I wasn't expecting it to actually move!"

I guess I should have seen that coming considering how much better the glove has been working.

That… should also probably go into my notes. Clearly I'll need to work on redoing my baselines for magic as well.

 **Post Heinrich Baseline (Re)Testing – November 20th:**

· Strength appears to have increased marginally. I can bench press an additional 25 kilos.  
· Faith claims my speed and reflexes are improved slightly, but there doesn't seem to be a SI unit for such things and if there was I'm not sure how to convert from Faith's system of how many times I can avoid getting my bones broken by her fists via dodging. Also, it is unclear at this time if my improvement is due to consuming Heinrich's blood or as a 'normal' result of additional combat experience.  
· Durability/resilience have definitely increased. Regrettably, SI units also don't seem to cover Slayer punches occasionally failing to snap bones. Effects appear to be more pronounced when in gameface. Being hit in the head, however, still renders me unconscious briefly. Irksome.

"Gee." I snort, closing my note book and standing up. "I wonder what could have possibly made my body decide that it needed to focus on toughness?"

 **-Winters Residence – Kitchen : Monday Morning-**

Passing out the plates of eggs, I grab my seat at the kitchen table as the girls filter in.

Harmony sits down on my lap and holds up her arm. "Here you go."

Instead of her arm, I find myself staring at a piece of paper being held in front of my face. "What's this?"

"Ingredients list for the pies."

"Okay... First off, what pies?"

"The pies for Thanksgiving, duh. We can't show up empty handed, that'd be like, so rude."

"I... see... and why are you giving it to me?"

"Amy said you could take care of it since you're not going to school today."

The girl in question looks up from her coffee at the sound of her name and yawns at us.

"No school today? Awesome!" Faith cheers, before a confused look crosses her face. "What'd we get up so early for?"

"No," Amy yawns. " _Jack_ isn't going to school. _You_ still are."

"Well that sucks! Why do I have to go if Jack's stayin home?"

"Because." Amy actually takes one hand off her precious coffee to shake her finger at Faith. "Because juniors can't have senioritis."

"Plus," I try to add reasonably, "you have that quiz in Algebra today."

"Oh, come on!" Faith glares at me. "I hate- Wait." Faith pokes me. "Why aren't you goin? Thought you actually _liked_ school." From her tone, I suspect she's debating having me committed.

"I do." I smile at my sister's obvious distaste. "Mostly." High school, as it turns out, is a lot more fun when you can just dick around instead of having to care about your classmates opinions. Being able to terrify bullies, sometimes even by accident, is amusing too. "I'm still having those self control issues though. Remember our chat after sparring? I'd rather not eat half our graduating class by accident."

"Oh... yeah... maybe don't come to school today." Faith grabs the list out of Harmony's hand. "Maybe stay away from stores too."

"Trust me. I had no intention of even leaving the house." I turn to Amy. "How's the research going by the way?"

"Done actually. We're just waiting on some of the pieces to finish. Should be ready this afternoon."

"Oh. Cool."

 **-Winters Residence – Library : Monday Afternoon-**

The girls and I stare at each other.

They both look and smell _entirely_ too pleased with themselves.

What's most interesting is that as I sit here and refuse to react, Harmony seems to be shifting from pleased to nervous while Amy is slowly looking even more pleased with herself.

I assume this is some sort of revenge prank for Friday.

"It's… a snowflake?"

"Yup!" Harmony and Amy chorus in unison.

"Okay, let me try that again. Why is it a snowflake?"

"You don't like it?" Harmony sounds… distressed.

"It's... fine." I smile and pat her on the head. "Very... thematic."

Amy looks smug, but Harmony is evidently immune to sarcasm, since her expression lights back up like a Christmas tree. " _Exactly,"_ she cheers. "It'll match your outfit perfectly."

...

Outfit? No. I'm not going to ask. I don't want to know.

Amy smirks at me. "You know, I really expected you to be more hung up on the earring part than the snowflake part."

"Nah. If this thing is going to affect my hearing then the earring part at least makes some sense. I just... " I sigh and shake my head. If I refuse, I'm sure Amy will find something worse. "Nevermind." I hold the snowflake earring up. "...Go ahead."

Harmony suddenly frowns. "Oh no! We don't have a needle."

...

"So? It's not like I could use one anyway. The hole would heal shut the instant you pulled the needle back out."

"Oh... okay." Harmony grabs my ear and one pinching sensation later... nothing happens. Well, I suppose Harmony giving an adorable grunt of frustrated exertion and then suddenly shouting, "FAITH!" in my ear loud enough that I can feel my ring set to work repairing my eardrum technically isn't _nothing._

But I can still hear everyone's hearts beating.

Faith pokes her head in the doorway. "You rang?"

"I think they need a professional to stab me in the ear."

Harmony holds up the earring and Faith laughs. "Seriously?" Faith's eyebrows go up when Harmony just nods happily. "Okay..." She takes the earring from Harmony. "What was the bet?"

"There wasn't one," Amy assures her, "we would've told you if we were placing bets."

Faith shrugs and grabs my ear. Another pinching sensation and... the sound of the girls' heartbeats dampens. I can still hear them, but they sound faint and far away.

I nod. "It works. Looks like I can go to school tomorrow."

"Yay!" Harmony grabs Amy's arm and pulls. "Come on, Amy. It's shopping time!"

Amy gives a comically startled, "what!?" as Harmony attempts to bodily drag her out of the library. Faith grabs my shoulder and leans against me, her body shaking as she tries not to giggle at the expression on Amy's face.

"We need to go dress shopping for the party!"

"Harmony, I have a dress! I wore it on picture day."

"Exactly," comes the completely matter of fact response.

Harmony sighs at Amy's obviously baffled expression. I keep my expression carefully blank. I don't understand either, but my desire not to get dragged into a Harmony Shopping Trip™ outweighs my desire to understand.

When staring at Amy with a disappointed expression doesn't yield results, Harmony tries 'explaining' herself. "You already wore that one; we need to get new ones." She tugs on her arm. "Come on!"

Amy starts to look desperate which, although I have no interest in joining them, seems a bit excessive. Then again, I'm not the one Harmony once tried to... _insist_... try on that thong. "What about Faith, shouldn't she come with us? And Jack!"

"Don't be silly, I already bought everything Jack needs. Boy clothes are easy."

That's probably true. At this point I don't think my closet contains anything that Harmony _didn't_ pick out. Evidence that sometimes throwing money at a problem until it goes away is a perfectly valid plan. Even if I did have to demonstrate strangulation by tie on that one tailor before she accepted buying clip-ons.

"But what about Faith?" Amy tries again.

"Oh." Harmony suddenly lets go of Amy. "Right!" She looks over at my sister and I, nodding her head at Amy. "You said you'd help!"

"Fine... I'm on it, Harms. I was just enjoying the show." Amy lets out an indignant squawk as Faith scoops her up and throws her over her shoulder.

I wait for Amy to look at me, and point at my new earring. "Have _fun_ , girls."


	82. Part 54 – Self Inflicted III

**Part 54 – Self Inflicted III**

 **-Winters Residence – Jack's Office : Monday Night-**

I may have to revise my opinion about the results of eating Heinrich.

I think magic may be giving durability a run for its money on most affected trait. Not really sure whether that's a result of eating a sorcerer vampire that had a reinforced skeleton to leave behind, of a side effect of my lifestyle choi-

Hmmm... well, maybe 'choices' is the wrong word. 'Totally natural and understandable reactions to this universe's utterly absurd level of lethality' has a weird ring to it though.

Anyway, as I was-

My tattoos buzz in the way I've learned to associate with the wards pinging.

...

Now what?

I really need to have Amy install one of those alert boards in here. I have no idea who or what just entered my-

"Jaaack!?" Harmony practically wails.

Oh.

I guess the girls are home from their clothes shopping trip. I never even heard them pull in. Harmony sounds... upset? But more... whiny than scared or hurt.

"HELP!"

...

"Yeah... yeah... work-work." What could they have possibly bought that Faith can't carry it all on her own? "Hold on a moment! I'll be right there!" I shout back, making my way towards the Atrium.

I barely get the door open before a crying blonde missile slams into me.

A blonde missile with blue skin?

Yes. Harmony definitely has blue skin. This appears to be the most likely cause of the inconsolable wailing, the sobbing, and the rapid fire chatter currently occurring against my shoulder.

"Woah, woah, Harmony, slow down." I try to pat the obviously very distressed girl on the head as comfortingly as I can. "What happened? What's with the Smurfette costume?"

Her second attempt to explain goes a little better... Something about Amy and a dress. Maybe. Also, apparently I'm supposed to 'fix it.'

"Okay... _Why_ did Amy turn you blue? And why can't _she_ fix it?"

Harmony sniffs, and wipes at her nose as she looks up at me with wide confused eyes. "Amy's in charge when you're not here," she informs me, totally matter-of-fact.

...

"Yes?" I agree. "I remember telling you that." Vaguely anyway.

Harmony pokes me in the chest. "You're _here_."

I groan. "So I get to fix this instead of Amy?" I'm very certain that that is not what that rule meant until five seconds ago.

"HEY! I _tried_! Do you _not_ see how I'm now also blue?"

Looking up, I can see Amy stomping her way into the house. She is indeed also blue. Behind her, a normal colored Faith appears to be fighting a valiant effort to keep a straight face.

A task I waste no such effort on.

 **-Winters Residence - Library : Later Monday Night-**

"Okay. Let me see if I've finally got all this straight. You found the _perfect dress_ but it was the wrong color."

The girls nod in unison.

"And since ordering it in blue would take too long, rather than look for a different dress in blue, you tried to cast this," I tap the page in the book Amy pulled down to show me, "color changing spell you found in Hungary on it."

"It was _The_. _Perfect. Dress."_ Harmony protests. Apparently I wasn't successful in keeping my tone neutral.

The girls are all nodding in agreement with Harmony. Right, because I'm the crazy one here.

"Yes. Of course. The perfect dress, just in the wrong color. How silly of me to assume that the color would be part of being the 'perfect' dress."

My attempt at humor earns me two glares from the Smurfettes and a helpless shrug of commiseration from my sister. I think it says a lot about this situation that the only girl who recognizes how absurd it is, is the one I'm related to. Who, I note with a smidge of pride, is _not blue._

"Okay... fine, but then something went wrong and instead of the dress turning blue... Harmony, who was holding the dress, did instead?"

The girls nod. Harmony sniffs.

I look down at the page. It's in Hungarian, because why wouldn't it be? "And you're sure that you translated it correctly?"

"Yes," Amy huffs. "It's an easy spell. I've used it before. And yes, on clothing."

"I see... So, when the first spell went sideways, you tried the spell from the next page that undoes the color changes?"

Amy nods.

"And instead of Harmony returning to normal... You became blue as well?"

The girls nod in unison.

"So now you want me to try the undoing spell?"

The girls nod in unison.

"The one that turned Amy blue?"

The girls nod in unison, Amy adding, "You're immune, right? That's why the memory spell isn't sticking?"

...

"Okay. Fair point. And I suppose neither of you wants to continue looking like Smurfette?" Personally, I think it looks good with Harmony's blonde hair.

Faith grins, Amy glares with her hands fisted on her hips, and Harmony looks like I just threatened to cancel every Christmas ever all at once.

"Hey now, just checking." I put my hands up in surrender. "Now, since I don't speak Hungarian, you're going to have to walk me through your translations and we'll see what we can do."

 **-Winters Residence - Library : Technically Tuesday Morning-**

"Fine. I admit that your translations are perfect, and that the spells both _should_ have worked."

"Thank you! Can we get on with it now?"

I'm beginning to think 2AM might be a bit past Amy's bedtime. "Yes, I suppose we can."

I call on my magic.

I chant in Hungarian.

I move my hands and arms as directed, which seems to include poking Amy repeatedly. I guess the spell's magic is prone to forgetting what I want uncolored.

I clap.

Amy's skin slowly starts to fade from blue to... normal flesh colored. I don't recall Crayola ever actually figuring that one out.

My tattoos sizzle the entire time that Amy is... un-blue-ing?

...huh. I didn't really expect it to work that way.

I guess I owe Amy more credit.

Shrugging it off, I take an exaggerated bow. "TA DA! Let's go wake up Harmony and tell her the good news?"

Faith waves from her seat on the couch as we walk into the Atrium.

Harmony is still curled up next to her using Faith's lap as a pillow, snoring softly.

She blinks up at us as Faith shakes her awake, needing a moment before she processes what's happening. At which point, like a switch being thrown she's sitting upright nodding like a maniac.

Snorting in amusement, I call on my magic.

I chant in Hungarian.

I move my hands and arms as directed, this time poking Harmony repeatedly.

I clap.

Harmony's skin slowly starts to fade from blue to- wait.

My tattoos aren't sizzling.

They're... tingling? Like they do when Warden Liam is nearby. But my 'family radar' is coming up empty. Weird.

Distracted as I am, I nearly topple over when Harmony glomps onto me. "THANK YOU!"

I think she kisses my cheek before racing around the room excitedly celebrating the return of her normal complexion.

I'm a little distracted at the time by a discovery I made while hugging her back.

Yup...

I'm apparently blue now.

 **-Winters Residence - Library : Tuesday Morning-**

"Still feeling blue?"

"Yeah..." I groan, looking up at my sister's far too pleased with herself face. Clearly she's been hanging out with Buffy too much if she's making puns at a time like this. Maybe she'll stop if I pretend I didn't notice? "It seems to be fading slowly," I've gone from a solid royal blue to a lighter and splotchier blue over night, "but it looks like I'll be staying home from school today as well."

"Kay." She takes a few steps towards the door before wheeling back around. "You know being blue won't be a valid reason to cancel ice cream with Dawn after school, right?"

"Last I checked, neither was hell or high water."

"Just checking. So... what's for breakfast?"

"I don't know, Fruit Loops?" I shrug. "I'm a bit busy trying to figure out how this," I gesture at my blue skin, "scythed through my magic resistances."

"But I'm _hungry_. And we're all outta Fruit Loops," Faith whines at me. "You're..." A buzzing noise comes from Faith's pocket and I'm apparently forgotten about instantly. Thank you mystery caller, maybe now I can get some work done.

"Hey, Dawnsteh. What's up?"

Oh, speak of the-

...

"Faith, is it absolutely necessary for you to sit on the table that I'm trying to work on while you talk to Dawn?"

Faith grins at me and sprawls out. "You get pancakes!? That's lucky. Jack's being lazy today and won't make breakfast."

Apparently Faith's decided I need to feed her if I want to get any work done this morning.

"Oh, shit!" Faith suddenly shouts, bolting upright and racing out of the room.

And... of course... scattering my papers.

I'm still picking them back up and trying to sort them all out when the herd of elephants sprints back into the room, still on the phone. "Jack!" She sounds panicked. Something must be wrong wi- "There's no coffee in the pot!"

...

Seriously? "So what?"

"So!? Ames can't drive without coffee! There are pancakes- I mean Dawns to save!"

"Buffy's driving?"

"Buffy's driving."

"Right." I nod. "There should still be enough cold brew left in the fridge to get Amy to the Espresso Pump. Black pitcher. Make sure Amy's had at least a cup before she tries to drive."

"Thanks!" Faith waves, and runs back out of the room. " _Yes,_ of course you're more important than the pancakes. But I can't _eat_ you."

Shaking my head and returning to my notes, I will concede to smiling as I listen to a very sleepy Amy get carried out of the house.

And I had so much planned for today too.

Ah well, nothing good can come of singing a song set to the Smurf's tune while blue. I'll deal with that tomorrow.

Looking down at my arm, and how slowly the color is fading to normal, I add a 'maybe' to that last thought.

Hmmm... maybe my sister is on to something? I should visit Joyce today. That front desk lady of hers will probably pitch a fit when I walk in like this. It'll be hilarious.

I should probably shower before... I...

Hmmm... I wonder what color my skin would grow back?

 **-The Gallery – Joyce's Office : Tuesday Lunchtime-**

"...And that's why you're all," Joyce gestures at me and gives me an apologetic little half shrug.

"Why I look like a can of blue paint exploded in my face? Yeah." I shrug, compulsively checking the skin on my arm and confirming that it is in fact still a haphazard mix of flesh tones and blue. "Scrubbing my skin off got to be more annoying than being blue. I'll probably take another go at it later. Maybe. I don't know." I shrug, holding up my right arm. "It even turned my gauntlet blue. Which is weird, I think, since the rest of my clothes were unaffected. I guess it counts as part of me?"

"I wasn't going to ask, but since you brought it up... why _are_ you wearing that? It looks..."

"Uncomfortable?" I shrug. "Not really. It takes some getting used to but I barely notice it anymore." I frown. "Which might say more about what you can get used to if you have to than it does about the gauntlet itself. Ah well. What's worse is that after spending all morning poring through every book on magic that I can actually read, I still have no clue what happened. I think I need to work on expanding either my collection or my language skills. Probably both."

...

Gods Damn It. I never did finish translating that Du Lac Codex.

Joyce smiles. "Good luck."

"Thank you. I might punt the project to Amy. She's better at languages and is already working on something tangentially related anyway."

"So..." Joyce shifts in her seat and stares at me for a moment. "I hear my youngest conned you into taking her out for ice cream again this afternoon?"

I tilt my head and blink at Joyce. She's switched topics somewhat abruptly and started using her concerned parent voice, but I'm not sure why. "I wouldn't say 'conned' per se seeing as I volunteered," I hedge, "but yes?"

"That's nice of you..." Joyce hesitates briefly. If I didn't know her I'd probably have missed it. "Hank used to take the girls out for ice-cream."

Ah... okay, I guess stumbling a bit over bringing up the ex is fair. I smile, and try my best to shuffle the conversation along. "Yeah, I think we're going to make it a weekly thing. Tuesdays after school."

"Oh... you don't have to do that."

"I know." I nod. "But it actually works out nicely since Amy's starting this SAT prep course that meets after school on Tuesdays."

"Oh that's right. I forgot you were all out of the country when Buffy took hers."

"Yeah, we'll be taking them next month. Amy's all needlessly worried about them, hence the prep class. The plan is for us have our ice creams and then get back to the school around the time Amy's finishing up."

"Still..."

I wave her off. "Just think of it as my way of repaying you for your valiant efforts at filling that bottomless void my sister calls a stomach on Wed- Hmmm... we are going to start doing that again now, right? I know we took a week off after..."

Joyce sighs resignedly. "After my daughter stabbed you?"

Why does everyone around me insist on trying to mope?

I somehow doubt that pointing out it wasn't the first time she stabbed me, and probably won't be the last, will help so I just shrug. "Water and bridges? I mean, I did kind of break her nose the night we met; hardly a good way to get off on the right foot." There we go, now Joyce looks slightly less morose. "I think Faith misses your cooking; she's really excited about having Thanksgiving at your place." I frown, a thought occurring to me. "So is Harmony all of a sudden, come to think of it."

"Harmony's coming?" Joyce sounds surprised. "I thought she'd be spending Thanksgiving with her parents?"

...Awkward.

Err... wait...

"You know... I did too actually, but apparently not?" I frown. When _did_ Harmony..? "Or rather... If that's alright with you?"

"It's fine. Just... unexpected."

I snort. "Story of my life. _Particularly_ when it comes to Harmony." I shrug. "Actually, it might be her parents that are insisting she join us... wouldn't be the first time something like that's happened. Her mom... can be a little... odd..? about some things."

Joyce holds up a hand and grimaces. "I've met Mrs. Kendall at some of the PTA meetings. I'm not sure _odd_ even begins to cover it."

"Yeah..." I nod. "I _think_ she's decided that Harmony and I are secretly dating or something. And yes, that idea is _exactly_ as absurd as the face you're making right now would indicate." I shake my head. How in the nine hells did we wind up discussion Harmony's _mother?_ Oh, right. "So anyway! Back to topics safer for my sanity. I really don't mind taking Dawn out for ice cream. Which is good since I really don't see myself getting out of it anyway. Even if I decided not to participate, my sister would still make me drive them since she doesn't have her license."

"She doesn't?"

"Professor Dormer had her enrolled in the classes, but Kakistos sort of interrupted. From the few times I've tried to teach her, I'm also beginning to suspect that the slayer spirit and driving might not be friends outside of situations like Mario Kart where the cars are completely indestructible and full of weapons." I shrug. Joyce is looking vaguely uncomfortable, probably from having mental visions of her daughter driving around in a tank. And now _I'm_ uncomfortable. Go-go-gadget distraction! "Whatever, it's not like I need to worry about the calories since anything I eat just seems to vanish."

Joyce blinks and raises an eyebrow. "...Vanish?" Judging from her tone I may have accidentally let slip just how annoying I find that facet of my existence. Oh well.

"Yeah. It's really bizarre. Possibly the strangest part of being a vampire. I can eat whatever I want, and the moment I stop paying attention to it, it just disappears from my stomach."

"So you don't..."

"Nope! I even clamped off the intestines to see if it changed anything. It didn't. And it's not a question of time either, but rather a literal case of a watched pot never boiling. If I eat myself sick, and sit there paying attention to my stomach, nothing happens. The moment I stop thinking about it? Bam! Empty stomach. _It makes no sense_!"

Joyce just laughs at me. "Well, as long as you're sure you don't mind, I suppose it can't hurt."

 **-Sunnydale High - Parking Lot : Tuesday Afternoon-**

"Gods Damn It..."

I try turning the key one last time.

Still nothing.

We must have had a short that drained the battery?

I turn around as Dawn's hand presses against my forehead.

Faith and Dawn are both staring at me with concerned expressions. Dawn pulls her hand back and frowns. "He doesn't feel feverish. Not that a vampire would, I guess."

"...What?"

"Uhh... dude... you've been sittin there turnin the truck on and off again for a while. You okay?"

...

"Wait, what?"

"You..." Dawn says slowly, over enunciating, as she points at me. "Have... been..."

"I heard you the first time. But I have not. The truck won't start." I turn the key. "See? Noth- wait..." I can feel the hum of the engine. If I focus I can even hear it, sort of. It sounds distant and- "Oh... I wondered how Amy managed it so fast. Apparently she didn't."

"Managed what?"

"My earring is supposed to muffle the sound of heart beats. Apparently that's not it all it muffles? She's probably set it to muffle everything below a certain frequency? Or maybe just rhythmic sounds in general? I don't know. Something." I shrug, seeing as Amy's not here to ask. "Whatever. It works for now. We can work on making it more selective _after_ we gorge ourselves on ice cream."

 **-Rori's Creamery : Tuesday Afternoon-**

" _I hate you!_ " Dawn hisses.

I turn back towards our table to find Faith smirking while Dawn looks... disgruntled?

She's definitely glaring at me. Maybe even enough to qualify for 'very disgruntled' status then?

Looking back and forth between them with a raised eyebrow, no clues about the cause present themselves. Shrugging, I give in and ask, "What?"

Faith laughs and Dawn... Dawn seems to be experiencing difficulty using her words at the moment. Which is unfortunate since she's one of the few people whose mind I can't reliably reach into and fix. Which, sadly, means _waiting_ for her to sort herself out.

If it isn't already abundantly obvious, I _hate_ waiting.

...

I'm surprisingly impatient for an Immortal. All the more so after I accidentally threw Mother's calming influences out with the bathwater.

I think I blame that on having my mind fashioned out of Father's. He had that whole... 'I'm a frail human mortal that could just up and die at any moment' perspective going on.

I wonder if that's something that will change over time as I age? Then again, I suppose there'd be something to be said for retaining my sense of mortal urgency even after I exceed Father's original shelf life. Time will-

Faith snaps her fingers in front of my face. "Hello... Earth to Jack?" She pulls her hand back as I glare at her.

"What do you want from me?" I ask my sister, before pointing at Dawn who now has her arms folded over her chest and seems to be trying to burn a hole in my head with her eyes. I'd probably be more concerned about that if Buffy, Willow... Xander more recently... even my sister and Amy from time to time... huh. I get glared at a lot. Still, my original point stands; merely glaring at me has yet to actually set me on fire, or have any effect on me at all really, so I feel perfectly justified in shrugging it off. "I'm still waiting for Pumpkin Belly here to remember how to use her words."

 _"_ _ **Hey!**_ _"_

Faith grins, leaning in conspiratorially. "... _Pumpkin Belly?_ "

"Yup." I shrug. "Joyce calls her that sometimes."

"Not in _public!_ " Dawn hisses at us.

I grin at my sister and nod my head towards Dawn. "She neglected to mention the absolutely _adorable_ shade of red that it makes her turn though."

Faith rolls her eyes. "I did try to warn her that the silent treatment crap doesn't work on you."

"You did?"

"Uh huh. Seemed fair. Ames warned me."

"...Huh. I didn't realize I came with a warning label."

Faith seems to find this statement far funnier than I expected for some reason.

"Guys," Dawn whines, "I'm _right here,_ you know."

"Yes," I agree readily. "You are indeed right there. And, now that you seem to have regained the use of your voice, would you mind explaining why you looked so annoyed a moment ago?" Dawn opens her mouth to speak but I cut her off, pointing at her with my spoon and smiling. " _Before_ I started making fun of you I mean."

Dawn stares at me for a moment and then turns to Faith. "Seriously?"

Faith nods, still smirking. "Seriously."

I guess it's my turn to fold my arms over my chest and wait.

Dawn finally turns back to me with a huff. "You," she points right back at me with her own spoon, "scared Zack."

"...Who?"

"That skateboarder kid."

"Oh... Okay." I nod, turning back to Dawn. "Yes, I did that." I smile, and try to pretend I understand where she's going with this. When she doesn't respond, I attempt to clarify, "You can continue your story now."

"...That _is_ my story. You scared Zack away. Zack! With that hair... and those dimples..." Apparently staring at Dawn like she's lost her marbles is not the right answer here because she pauses to glare at me again. "What if he was going to ask me out?"

"Oh! I know this one." I clear my throat and smile broadly as I lean in. "They'd never find his body."

Dawn groans and slumps in her seat. "Faith..." she whines. "He's doing it again."

Faith grins, patting her on the head. "There, there, _PB_. You can do better anyway."

Dawn just groans again and consoles herself with a spoonful of ice cream.

 **-Sunnydale High - Parking Lot : Wednesday Lunch Time-**

"...And you're _sure_ today was always a half day?"

"Yes, Jack, I'm sure." Amy sighs as she climbs into the truck.

Faith slaps the back of my head. "Stop soundin sad! Half days are good! Christ, why do I get the weirdo that likes school for a brother?"

...

"It's not- Never mind. I was just hoping to take another crack at cornering Thomas during lunch today." Hopefully _without_ Xander crashing the party this time, even if the look on his face was absolutely hilarious.

Gods Damn It, I have multiple projects bottlenecking on this!

Amy sighs. "Just... drive. I'd like to be home before Harmony gets started."

...

"What?"

 **-Sunnydale Memorial Hospital – Psych Ward : 4 Hours Of Amy And The Blondest One Obsessing Over Pies While Faith Whines About Pies That We Can't Eat Not That This Stopped Her And Then The Resulting Fighting Oh Thank Fuck I Have Work Tonight - Later-**

Ah... Hello Arkham! So good to be-

"You know you're not on the schedule tonight."

...

I stare blankly at Dr. Walsh. "What?"

He shakes his head and gives a little laugh. "Tomorrow's Thanksgiving. You're an intern. You can go-" He cuts off as I hastily put a finger over his lips to stop him.

"There will none of that! My house is full of teenage girls obsessing over Turkey Day. "

Dr. Walsh just laughs at me and grabs the charts for evening rounds.

 **-Sunnydale Roadways : Turkey Day - Late Morning-**

"Jack!" Dawn shouts, pointing to my left.

Looking out my window I see the front of a large SUV barreling directly at us.

I manage to gun the engine, barely shifting us out of direct impact before the SUV slams into the Sheila.

I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end as the rune work flares to life.

...

"The capacitor is empty?" Faith asks me. She sounds as confused as I feel. Kind of... staticky..? sounding too, which is odd. Like a bad recording.

...

Wait. What in the huh?

I can smell fresh blood.

My head hurts.

My neck hurts more.

Why is the world crooked?

As if responding to my thoughts, the world rolls to the right with an unsteady lurch and a loud metallic crunch.

I seem to be upside down?

There's a screeching metallic whine and I can feel something press against the top of my head as the world sags slightly to the right again.

Someone groans next to me. I turn-

I can't turn my head.

...

Or feel... anything at all below the sharp pain in my neck. That can't be a good sign.

I can't feel my arms, but I can feel the ring ramping up its drain on my magic as it goes to work.

They're still attached then. Also explains why my mind feels like it's slowly clearing the mental fog. I must have gotten a hit in the head when...

Ummm...

What happened?

Okay.

I'm pretty sure a drunk driver ran a red and slammed into us.

...Us?

As if on cue, I hear another groan next to me. _Dawn._

My neck makes a strange grinding 'sound' and the sharp pain spikes at the sudden movement as I try to look at her again, and I still barely get it to shift .

I can feel my ring going to work on a wound in my neck, but it doesn't seem to be making any headway.

 _Something_ must be in the way.

Well. Shit.

I think I'm stuck.

I can't move to reach whatever it is in my neck until my neck heals. I can't heal my neck until I get whatever's stuck there out.

...

I'm an idiot.

Focusing on my magic, I 'grab' for lack of a better term, at the offending something and mentally start the chant for telekinesis as I focus on pushing it out of my neck..

Whatever it is, it's fucking _heavy._

And moving it _hurts_.

It whines in my ear as I slowly force it back. It's the same metallic sound that accompanied... my side of the truck's roof caving in, maybe? Part of the truck must have bowed in under the impact and dug into my neck. I bet the ring healed everything it could around the damn thing like a tree's growth eating a fence.

Pushing on it is getting harder and harder as I go.

Halfway out of my neck I lose focus, dropping the spell, as the ring suddenly reconnects my spinal cord.

 _Everything hurts._

My left arm feels crushed from shoulder to forearm. Twisted metal and plastic pressing against it, pinning it in place. My left leg- My whole left side doesn't feel much better than my arm. Pretty sure most of the bones are broken in multiple places. My right side feels comparatively decent. I think it's mostly just banged up and bruised, albeit heavily.

Still, even working on overdrive like it is, the ring is taking its dear sweet time as it suddenly finds itself needing to knit _all the things_ back together.

Fortunately, I can feel my right arm begin to respond. The Glove of Myhnegon seems to have served its more mundane armored purpose.

Reaching up, I feel around for- There we go. Yup, feels like a piece of the truck frame. Easily two inches across. Thanking the gods for my general lack of blood pressure, I toggle on the orbs and shove it out of my neck as cleanly as I can and turn towards Dawn.

My neck _still_ feels wrong, and turning it is harder than expected, but I'm able to turn it. Maybe there's still a bit of glass in there being ground down as I move around?

Not important. The ring will just have to figure it out.

Wrenching my head all the way to the right with a sickening wet crunch and a disturbing pop, I can see Dawn.

Hanging limply from where she's strapped into the seat next to me, Dawn has blood dripping from a gash on her forehead. A small puddle of blood is already pooling on the roof beneath her.

 _Mine!_ I can feel the red tinge creeping into the edges of my vision.

I brute force the urge down, albeit just barely. Now is _not_ the time for that. Gods Damn It.

I really don't like the angle Dawn's head is hanging at.

Especially not as she groans, again, spitting up a bit more blood.

Fetching my emergency kit is easy enough. _Opening_ it one handed though...

Okay...

Just like changing that stupid fucking light bulb at home. At least I don't have to worry about crushing the kit and raining glass shards down on my face.

I hold the cylinder up to my face and concentrate on making the magic twist around it.

Slowly, steadily, the top comes off with a pop.

Grabbing the auto syringe, I inject the dose of green goop directly into her neck. I take the way her head shifts back up a bit as her body processes it and her breathing eases as all the confirmation I need.

She'll probably be groggy until she gets something to eat, but I can see the gash on her head starting to slowly close back up.

Watching Dawn, I almost miss the signs of movement outside the truck.

Looking up at the sound of a car door, I can see the SUV that hit us. The whole front end is crumpled up like an accordion- Huh... _that's_ what I forgot. Crumple zones. Not that they would have helped with getting T-boned, I suppose. I suspect the runework may have even made that aspect slightly worse by making the frame effectively even more rigid.

Lesson learned: The conservation of momentum is as much of a heartless bitch as gravity. I wonder if there's a spell to mimic sci-fi's inertial compensators so I can tell mass times velocity squared to suck it?

The SUV rocks back and forth a bit as heavy looking, linebacker sized muscle-bound, greenish humanoids in what looks like biker gear start climbing out.

They look dazed, staggering out of the SUV, I suspect driving headlong into a Sheila felt a lot more like driving headlong into a concrete wall than they expected.

They kind of look like-

Okay... what the fuck? Did we seriously just get T-boned by orcs? They even have... oh.

...

Well, fuck! Not orcs, 40K orks! Those are definitely shotguns they're pointing at us through the reinforced-

A quick glance back confirms both that the grinding sensation in my neck is still there and that the truck bed with the capacitor in it is what bore the brunt of the impact.

Buggerfuck!

Practically tearing my left arm out of its recently repaired socket, I press my right hand against the side of the truck and start manually dumping power into the reinforcement runes.

I immediately discover three things.

I can actually _feel_ the magic rushing out through the damaged sections on my side of the truck.

Sheila counts as the broadside of a barn for targeting purposes.

Concussed Orks clearly have storm trooper grade aim. They somehow manage to miss more often than hit.

The window glass cracks under the strain of stopping a shotgun shell as my magic reserves start producing that ice-melting sensation I haven't felt so strongly in ages.

Another shell finally punches through, burying itself in the radio.

Dawn seems to think this is an excellent moment to wake up and begin the process of freaking the fuck out.

Fortunately the fusillade dies off as the orks drop the shotguns in favor of axes.

As my ring puts my eardrums back together, I chose to take the fact that I can hear Dawn's screaming even over the ringing in my ears as a good thing. She's alive. She's breathing. She's aware of what's going on around her.

Now I just need deal with the idiots outside. If only I knew how. I _hate_ improv.

"Dawn! Glove compartment! 5. 1. 7. 9. 8."

Bones _finally_ back in order, I manage to tug my left arm free from between of what used to my door and the steering wheel without feeling like I'm going to tear my own arm off.

I unhook my seatbelt and drop to the roof turned floor, suddenly finding myself staring at the pool of Dawn's blood.

That'll do.

...

I may or may not be high as a kite on cosmic key energy when I launch myself out through the cracked window and roll to my feet.

The whole situation certainly seems... funnier. "There's a 'rubber lances, iron hooves' joke to be made in here somewhere, I'm sure of it," I inform them before tazering the closest one on general principle. Bleeding off some of the excess power from Dawn's blood helps bring me a bit back down to earth.

The remaining orks don't seem to appreciate my amusement, pausing a moment to grunt at each other, before fanning out and advancing in unison. Oh, _joygasm!_ Just what I needed, reasonably intelligent opponents.

I manage to tag a second ork with a bolt of lightning before they close to melee, but that still leaves me in a 2v1.

Somewhere in the midst of sidestepping the first ork's axe and trying to keep him between me and his buddy, it snaps a clawed hand out, adding a few short lived gouges to my chest.

The red haze starts to take over my vision again and I don't bother to fight it.

Grabbing the haft of axe before its wielder can wrestle it around again, I drive my fist straight through the ork's skull-

My mind grabs the wheel back from the red haze as my ring adds 'un-break Jack's index finger' to it's to do list, reminding me once again that the red haze is made up primarily of distilled moron.

Fucks sake, I was literally _just_ making fun of Faith for that shit.

I guess we can add 'your hand might get stuck in the skull of your enemy' to our list of reasons not to do that.

That it killed the thing very dead would be great except for the part where the second ork now has no reason not to swing its axe at me.

I manage to awkwardly block the incoming axe haft to haft with the axe formerly belonging to the ork whose head my fist is still stuck inside.

Good news, I'm faster than these things and, with the orbs active, I'm stronger too.

Bad news, with only one arm free to use, and use at a terrible angle at that, this is quickly turning into a losing proposition: The ork's axe blade slowly inching towards my face in spite of my best efforts to push it away.

There's a single bark of gunfire.

The ork I'm fighting falters, grunting in surprised pain.

Taking advantage, I shove him back away from me and tazer him.

I spot Dawn, still crouched down in the flipped over truck, as the ork collapses out of the way. She's shaking slightly, dropping my pistol to start massaging her wrists. She smiles when I nod at her though. "Thanks, Dawn."

I use my boot for leverage to pull my fist free and look around just in time to see a second SUV to come screeching to a halt and begin dumping out more orks.

More orks with shotguns.

Oh gods, that's it! I don't give a flying fuck how much Buffy whines about it. From now on I'm packing the grenades and assault rifle for _every_ trip. Even the ones to the fucking corner store.

I can hear Dawn scrambling backwards in the truck behind me.

...Damn it! I really don't have any good options, so I'll take the least terrible one. Sprinting forward as fast as I can, I bury my new axe in the head of the closest ork before he can take aim.

One of his buddies pumps a round into my shoulder point blank before-

...

The back of my head hurts.

What looks like some sort of orc seems to be rolling me onto my back? Oh, right... The orks!

The ork is clawing determinedly at my chest?

What is it with them and- The ork grabs my sun necklace off and rips it off, holding it up as it grunts loudly in its guttural language.

Why-

Oh... f _uck!_

I tazer the ork and steal his shotgun as I roll to my feet. _Everything dies_ _right the fuck now._

His buddy is spared my wrath only due to spontaneously sprouting a growth on its back that looks remarkably like my sister wielding a kitchen knife.

The screeching sound of rubber on pavement as the SUV tries to drive away earns it a shotgun blast to the driver's window. I fairly sure I completely missed the driver, but I can hear screaming as it veers left and grinds to a halt against the crumpled remains of the other SUV.

...

I can also still hear tires screeching, but it's coming from behind me now?

Wheeling around, I spot a third SUV a bit down the road trying to make good its escape.

I almost knock an excited looking Dawn over as I sprint after it.

Fortunately, it turns out that a vampire on foot has significantly better acceleration than an SUV.

I manage to get within spitting distance before the SUV starts to pull away again.

...

Not today!

"Tar chugam a chumhacht Myhnegon!" The SUV abruptly starts to slow as I rip everything resembling electrical power out of it with all the finesse of a sledgehammer.

Huh...

It turns out that Heath Ledger was right. I have no idea what to do with the SUV now that I caught one.

Particularly one that can be assumed to be hiding orks with shotguns behind its tinted windows. Well, okay, aside from take cover behind a car parked on the street I mean.

It doesn't help that I didn't really expect that to work. Did I fry the fuel regulation computer thing or are they just messing with me?

...

The SUV drifts down the street a ways before finally coming to a complete stop.

The doors don't open.

No orks come charging out.

Working my way closer, I can hear... A woman's voice yelling? I can also hear sirens in the distance, but I think that's only tangentially related.

I pop my earring out. Still no engine noises. No heartbeats in the SUV either despite the woman continuing to rant in... whatever language that is. French?

Only knowing how to say 'hello,' 'I don't know,' and 'shit' in French is... not super helpful right now.

Still. A hit squad that tries to steal my necklace and a woman and driver without heartbeats? Yeah... that paints a picture, doesn't it?

Right then. Fuck it. Making my way around so the sun is behind me as best I can given how close to noon it is, I rush the SUV and rip the back door off.

The woman in the back seat hisses, sliding into gameface, as she flees to the other side of the SUV to escape the Sun's light.

My amusement at the sight is somewhat tempered by my tattoos heating up as she starts spewing Latin at me.

I tazer her twice for good measure before turning to her driver who seems to find my presence alarming for some reason. He smells... younger than me? Must be freshly turned.

I nod at the woman. "Your sire?"

I get a couple confused blinks but then a hesitant nod of affirmation.

"None of this was your idea, was it?"

Vigorous head shaking.

"Sucks," I commiserate, opting to taze him halfway into dragging him kicking and screaming into the light of day. "But, your idea or not, I can't really have any witnesses seeing me without my 'magic' amulet." Wiping the dust from my hands, I turn back towards the SUV. "Now... what to do with _you?_ This actually _is_ all your fault after all..."

I climb into the SUV and sit on her chest, pinning her in place before smashing the sun roof so that it's only my body blocking the sun from hitting her face.

She tries to spew Latin at me again the moment I wake her up. Snapping her wrists and shifting to let the Sun shine on her face seems to put a stop to that readily enough.

"Now... Let's try that again, shall we? Who do you- err... or what, do you work for?"

I yawn as she feebly attempts to free herself, making sure to move my head just enough to let some sunlight through as I do so. I'm sure she'll figure out cause and effect quickly enough.

 **-Sunnydale Roadways : Moments Later-**

Climbing out of the SUV and dusting myself off, I compulsively pat my breast pocket for a third time to make sure my prizes didn't slip through a hole I somehow missed.

Oh.

 _Awesome_.

SPD is here. In force even. Well, for SPD at least. They sent two whole squad cars...

Then again, that might be considered an impressive turnout considering it's Turkey Day.

And... no one is even looking in my direction. I should probably investigate.

Forcing my earring back in with a grimace, I make my way back towards the intersection. It occurs to me that I don't know which bothers me more: That it's a fucking snowflake or the vague certainty that Harmony will make me let Faith do it again because despite being _in my ear_ it's going to somehow be 'in the wrong place.' And I just know she'll use some sort of frustratingly valid argument to do it too, like the place I put it meaning something specifically embarrassing according to some arbitrary ruleset.

They all seem to be gathered around something on the other side of the SUV that slammed into my truck, arguing.

I groan as I tune into the conversations going on and find what sounds like an arrest in progress. "For fucks sake." I rub my face. "Really?" Why is the chief of police even working on Turkey Day? Ungh. Even for SPD this is a new level of stupid.

"Are you freaking kidding me!?" Ah well, at least it's just Buffy.

"You have the right to remain silent."

"On what charges!?" Joyce sounds- Wait, when did Joyce even get here?

"Anything you say: can, and will, be used against you in a court of law."

"Ma'am, we have your daughter holding a weapon at the scene of a crime."

...

The mental of image Dawn sprinting past me going the other way as I chased after the third SUV suddenly springs back to mind. Specifically the part where she was holding my pistol.

Gods Damn It! Now I can't even just enjoy the fireworks.

I hate the world today.

Sheila dies in a car accident. Dawn gets hurt on my watch, _again_. I find out there's a group of vamps out there with access to Watcher reports and enough brain cells to rub together, even if they think they're after my amulet.

And now?

Now I have to help Buffy. _Buffy!_

Ungh. The world had damn well better be ending.

I mean, if this isn't a sign of the apocalypse, it definitely should be.

I crack my neck as I come around the SUV and start towards the gathering of Sunnydale's finest morons. It's _showtime._

"Excuse me! …Hi… Sorry to interrupt... But if it's not too much trouble I'd appreciate it you lot would _stop harassing my deputy._ "

Looks like I'm taking Mayor Wilkins up on that job offer after all.


	83. Interlude 16A - You Freaking Kidding Me?

**Interlude 16A - Are You Freaking Kidding Me**

***Buffy POV***

 **-The Intersection By My House - What I Just Realized Is My Last Thanksgiving Before I Go Away To College-**

"Buffy!" Dawn shouts behind me. I can see her running towards us from the truck.

She looks and sounds okay, thank God.

Waving her over, I try to pull my stake back out of the green skinned demon thing again.

It pulls free with a super gross _splurch!_ noise and more of the thing's syrupy blood oozes out onto my hands.

Yuck. I like fighting vamps so much better than demons.

Vamps go _poof!_ and vanish with nothing to clean up. Demons are just made of suck. Well... most vamps go poof! I remind myself as I look around for Jack. Where did he run off to anyway?

But seriously! I have blood all over my... everything! And I kind of liked my new dress too. Now it's all torn and bloodstained. "Eurgh!"

"Problems, B?" Faith laughs as she walks over to me. She's clean!? Her tie is missing and her shirt is rumpled but she's clean!

"That is so not fair! Why aren't you covered in- Is that my mom's good knife!?"

"Ummm? Maybe?" Faith shrugs. "I couldn't find my stake." The only blood on her is on her right hand, which is definitely holding my mother's favorite carving knife. She smirks at me as she crouches down to wipe her hand on the back of one of the demons. "You've got a little somethin on your… umm…" she grins, pointing up and down at me, "yeah."

"Yeah yeah, yuck it up. For the record though, I was right. We dressed up. We got attacked! My clothes got ruined. I so told you this would-" Dawn slams into me, wrapping me in a hug.

"Buffy! I got one! Did you see!? Okay, Jack helped, but I got one!"

...

I grab my sister by the shoulders and hold her out so I can stare her in the face. She's got blood on her, but she looks unharmed so I guess it's from hugging me rather than hers. Good. Now… "What do you mean, you got one? Dawn! You can't be fighting things like this. They're dangerous!" Why is Jack letting her-

"Duh!" My sister rolls her eyes at me. "That's why I shot it in the back from-"

"Oh my god! Dawn! Is that a gun!?" Holy crap, it is! My sister is waving a gun in my face. "Give me that!" I grab the gun before she can protest and pull it out of her hand. "You could hurt yourself!"

"Gawd, Buffy, overreact much?"

I am not overreacting! "These things are dangerous!"

I scowl as Dawn rolls her eyes and sighs at me, holding up some sort of small metal boxy thing in her other hand. "Not without the bullets. Sheesh, would you calm down?"

Beside me, Faith clears her throat. "Uh.. Dawn..? That's not-" Faith sighs. "Takin the clip out still leaves one in the chamber."

"...Oh." Dawn's eyes widen. "Ummm…" She smiles awkwardly. "I had the safety on?"

I glare at her. "How do you even know how to do that?"

"Faith taught me."

I turn my glare on Faith, who takes a step back and puts her hands up. "Gee, PB, you wanna put that bus in reverse and try again? You might'a missed part of me the first time."

Dawn shrugs sheepishly. "Oops?"

...

I sigh. "Whatever." I pull Dawn back into a one armed hug, carefully keeping the gun aimed at the ground with my other. "I'm just glad you're okay. I am going to have a talk with Jack about-"

"Buffy! Oh my god, why do you have a gun!?"

"...Mom!" I turn around, still holding onto Dawn. "It's not- I-"

A police car screeches to a halt behind my mother and Chief Munroe gets out.

This ought to be good. Come on, let's see you explain away the green demons. Are they going to be Bikers on Meth too?

Chief Munroe draws his gun and points it at me. What the- "Drop the weapon. Let the hostage go!"

...

Oh, come on!

Dawn twists out of our hug to glare at him. "I'm not a hostage, you idiot!"

"Dawn!" Mom hisses at her.

No one moves for a moment until I slowly toss the gun to the side at which point Chief Munroe finally stops pointing his gun at me. I breathe out the breath I didn't know I was holding in as he lowers it. Thank you, so very much for that! I hate- "You are under arrest." What!?

"Are you freaking kidding me!?" We just told you it wasn't what it looked like. Dawn told you she was never a hostage. There are demons on the ground right freaking there!

Chief Munroe starts walking up to me holding a pair of handcuffs. "You have the right to remain silent."

My mom steps in his way. "On what charges!?"

Chief Munroe ignores my mother as Officer Duncan pulls her back. "Anything you say: can, and will, be used against you in a court of law."

"Ma'am, we have your daughter holding a weapon at the scene of a crime." Officer Duncan tries to convince my mother that this isn't incredibly stupid. Yeah, good luck with that.

Next to me, Faith nudges my arm. "Chill, B." She takes a step back and folds her arms over her chest, glaring at Chief Munroe as he handcuffs me. "Jack'll take care of it."

Right.

Jack.

Because that's what will make this situation better.

"Excuse me!" Sigh. Speak of the devil. I mean, seriously? Now he shows up? When I'm in handcuffs? At least his clothes got ruined too I suppose. "…Hi… Sorry to interrupt… But if it's not too much trouble I'd appreciate it you lot _would stop harassing my deputy._ "

...

Deputy?

"Look, kid, this is police business. Stay out of it."

Jack rolls his eyes and saunters up to us. "Yeah. Love to. You seem to be in the process of arresting my deputy though, and I really can't have that."

"Who the hell do you think you are?"

Jack smiles. "Jack Winters, Sunnydale County Sheriff."

"We don't have a county sheriff's department."

"We're new. Take it up with-"

Chief Munroe reaches out to stop him when he gets close to us. "Stay back! I'm warning-"

Jack grabs Chief Munroe's arm and twists. Chief Munroe screams in pain, falling to his knees.

"Mayor Wilkins. Now-" There's a sharp crack and Jack coughs.

His eyes flash yellow for a moment, but then go back to white as he coughs again, louder, and turns his head to spit out a bullet at the other officer, leaving a small blood stain where it bounces off his uniform. "Did you _seriously_ just discharge your sidearm _into a fucking crowd of civilians?_ Dormer! Take that away from him before he hurts himself with it."

Dormer? As in Faith's old-

"On it, Boss!" Faith- oh right, she said Jack helped her change her name.

The officer just stares from the bloody bullet on the ground to Jack and back again, even as Faith slowly walks up to him and takes his gun.

"Thank you! Now, Dweedle Dee!" He stares pointedly at Officer Duncan for a moment. "Take Annie Oakley over there and start taking witness statements door to door. Start with number 9 there. Make sure they're okay; I think some stray shots hit the house. The citation paperwork for being an idiot can wait til you get back to the station."

Chief Munroe starts to protest, but cuts off before getting his first word out as Jack twists his arm a bit further.

Officer Duncan's nervous expression calms and he nods, blinking rapidly. "Right..." His voice sounds weird. Flat. Zombie like? "Come on, Mike." Or not. Now he sounds normal? "Sheriff Winters needs us to canvass the neighborhood."

Jack watches the two officers walk towards the Hall's house, scratching his head with some sort of metal gauntlet... What the crap!? Is that- No. It's blue.

"Summers!" Jack suddenly shouts.

I glare at him. Don't you dare start barking orders at me, mister-

"Yeah, Boss?" Dawn shouts back at him.

"Dawn! No!" Not okay. I point at Jack. "You leave my sister out of this!"

Jack laughs, rolling his eyes at me, before turning to Dawn. "Sorry, Dawn, not you. You should take it easy until the EMTs get here to check you out. I meant _Deputy_ Summers." He looks back at me, frowning. "Seriously, Summers? Why are you still in handcuffs?" He pulls the chief up by the arm one-handed and holds out his other hand. "Keys, Bob."

"You can't do this. I'll have you arrested."

Jack yawns. "Yeah? Good luck with that." He pauses a second and then pokes the chief with a gauntleted finger. "Come on, Bob. Keys. I don't have all day."

"Jack... is this really necessary?" My mom asks.

"Joyce!" Jack's looks at her like he's surpri- "Forgot you were there. I... uh…" He sighs. "I suppose not, but your eldest doesn't seem to be showing any interest in simply breaking the handcuffs."

"Jack…"

I groan. My mom's using her mom-voice. Because this is totally the same thing as when Dawn or I skirt the school dress code. And Jack will totally stop being a jerk because Mom scol-

"Sorry, Joyce." Jack drops Chief Munroe, who massages his arm and glares at Jack. "You're right. Now isn't the time." Seriously? That worked? A bolt of lightning arcs out of Jack's gauntlet and Chief Munroe twitches before falling unconscious."I'll acclimate the chief to the jurisdictional changes later..." He nods to himself.

Wait. Bolt of lightning? Blue or not... "Faith! That's the glove thingy Post wanted!"

"What? No. That's just Ames' taser."

"Neither actually." Jack looks up from staring at the gauntlet with a frown on his face and waves it at us. "This is just a replica I picked up last week." Jack shrugs. "Not important. Amy, can you-"

"Tell Finch you accept Wilkins' offer?" Amy takes her phone off her ear and waves it at Jack. "Already on it."

"Awesome. While you're at it-"

"Tell Finch to backdate the paperwork to earlier today so that all this," She points at the unconscious chief of police, "is legal?"

Jack just stands there with his brow doing that thing Giles' does when he's confused, mouth opening and closing silently for a moment.

"I know." Amy smiles at Jack, raising an eyebrow at him.

Jack grins back at her for a moment before shaking his head. Finally he claps his hands together, cracking his back and neck, and then… like some sort of switch was flipped he… changes..? It's like watching the way the goofball slides right out of Xander whenever Jesse comes up in conversation only… less depressing and more… something else. He looks at me for a moment before shaking his head " _Today, Summers._ We have a truck to roll back over."

More annoying. Definitely more annoying. Weird too, I think.

Come to think of it, he was acting like this when he first walked over.

I glance over at Amy since she knows him best, and catch her looking at Jack with her head tilted and one eyebrow raised. Just for a moment before she sticks a finger in one ear and turns away to talk to… Finch? "Hi, Allan. Happy Thanksgiving..."

Okay. Not just me then. Something weird is going on. But what-

"Buffy..?" My mom's voice interrupts my thoughts.

"Huh?" I turn around and find my mother staring at me. Dawn is standing behind her making faces at me. "Really, Dawn?" I glare right back at her.

"Nothing! I mean..." She looks at me with a startled expression. Huh... I guess she wasn't making the faces at me then? Glancing back I can see Jack heading towards his flipped over truck. Why is Dawn making faces at Jack?

Mom puts a hand on my shoulder. "Aren't you going to go help them?"

"I-" _really_ don't want to? "Fine... "

I give the handcuffs a sharp tug, snapping the chain and start off towards the truck.

Faith's climbed up onto it and is crouched down, staring at something when I get there. "...snapped in half. I think Sheila's dead."

What!? I race over, looking for the body.

"Damn." Jack leans against the truck and peers inside. "I mean, I figured as much, but… damn."

"Did someone get run over?" I check the underside of the truck where everyone's staring, but no one's there.

Faith opens her mouth but then closes it, looking at me like I'm crazy.

"...Who's Sheila?"

Faith groans and smacks her forehead, but Jack answers me. "Sheila is- err... was my truck." He starts... patting the truck reassuringly? Guys are weird. "Sheila the third technically, if you count Father's car and the original tank he named it after."

"Oooh!" Faith's head snaps up to stare at Jack. "Can we buy a tank?"

"Faith!" I shout. "No!"

Jack sighs, rolling his eyes at me. "Come on, Faith, show some respect for the dead. Besides, last I checked I don't think they're street legal."

"Awww…"

"Yeah, I know." Jack continues sadly, "I was disappointed about that too."

"Hold up." I poke Jack on the chest. "You checked? You tried to buy a tank?"

Jack grins at me. "Yeah, back when I first heard you'd gotten your license."

Faith laughs.

I glare at both of them. Why couldn't my sister-slayer have adopted a less annoying brother? "Ha. Ha. Very funny." Jack seems to be acting like himself again... I think? Not sure that's a good thing though.

"I know." Jack agrees. "I came to that same conclusion. A tank was laughably insufficient with you on the roads. That's actually why I took the girls out of the country that week."

"Hi-freaking-larious." But if I stake him, somehow I'm the violent psycho?

...

Wait.

Willow says she doesn't think Jack can- So that means he really- "Oh come on! I am not that bad!"

"Uhh… B? Dawn calls to warn us whenever you try to drive."

"You know," Jack scratches his chin, "I always thought those calls sounded less... 'warning' and more…" He trails off and sort of rocks back and forth from one foot to another.. "oh god, oh god," he starts in a high voice, still rocking from foot to foot. He looks like- No! That's what Dawn does when she's really upset. When has he seen Dawn that upset? "We're all going to die! _Somebody save me!_ " He puts the back of one hand against his forehead and topples backwards into Faith's arms, the two of them giggling like five year olds.

"Yeah yeah, yuck it up."

"Oh, don't worry, we are!" Jack says between laughs. "But," he adds, righting himself back onto his feet. "We should get started on rolling Sheila back over so the tow truck can- Damn. Forgot that part." Jack takes in a deep breath and bellows, "Harmony! Call us a tow truck would you!?" He watches her nod and dig out her phone before looking at Faith and me. "Grab an end each and I'll take the middle here?"

I remind myself that the sooner I get this over with, the sooner I can get away from Jack.

"On three. One. Two." Jack flickers with purple light. "Three!" We lift, and the truck slowly rolls back over.

Great, maybe now I can leave and Mom won't make her disappointed face at me when-

"Dawn's mad at you, you know. She hates being treated like a little kid."

"I didn't-"

"Not you, B. Bossman Winters here." Faith slugs Jack on the arm. A flash of pain crosses her face, quickly buried as Jack looks over at her. What just happened?

"Warned you." Jack snorts, flickering purple again."But you really got a kick out of that, huh? Gibbs was the first thing that popped into my head. I mean, It's not like I've ever been a sheriff before. You answering just like Dinozzo… I think I'll stick with it."

"Huh?" Faith's nose scrunches up, even as she starts to shake her hand out. "Gibbs? Dinozzo?"

"Nevermind. Just a TV show father liked. Don't worry about it." Okay, if they're going to start talking about TV shows, I'm leaving. "Anyway, yeah, I saw Dawn making faces at me." I turn around and look for Mom and Dawn. "She can be mad at me all she wants as long as she stays alive." I get about three steps towards them before Jack sighs, "We almost lost her today."

...

"What!?" I spin back around.

Faith is staring at Jack with her eyes wide. "...Shit… really?"

"Yeah." Jack nods. "I watched her neck un-snap when I healed her. If they'd hit us just a little harder, or on her side of the truck, or that slug had hit…" Jack trails off, leaning against the truck with one arm and pointing at a giant hole in the radio.

The three of us stand there awkwardly, looking at the various dents and holes in the side of the truck. Crap. He's not lying.

Not that he even could, if Willow's right. Crap crap _crap!_ That hole could have been- crap! Dawn almost _died_ today. Even if I'd been there, I wouldn't have been able to _do anything_ about something like this.

A loud metallic tapping noise pulls me out of my thoughts. Jack is still leaning against the truck, his metal gloved fingers drumming on the hood.

Taptaptaptap.

His expression matches how I feel.

Taptaptaptap.

So does Faith's.

Taptapta-

Jack groans, scratching at his face as he looks at Faith. "Gods Damn It! I got complacent when the Watchers didn't send some sort of hit squad after us. Should have expected something like this from Travers."

Travers? Who the-

"He's that Head Watcher dude, right?" Faith adds before I can ask. "The one you and Spike say is a tool-shed?" Oh, right, Jack thinks _Spike_ is someone to invite over for hot cocoa _with my mother._

"I think the phrase I used was douche-canoe but yeah. That's the guy. _Technically_ , there's that pesky rule that says not to assign malice when stupidity will suffice. It's possible that the council's courier just happened to wander into the French chick's territory."

"But you don't think so?" Faith makes it sound reh- ...like when Giles asks me a question that's supposed to answer itself.

"I... don't know. It wouldn't be the first time the council tried to spark some sort of proxy war. Buggerfucking… I hate feeling under prepared. Even if she was as successful about hiding what she was up to from her sire as she thought she was, she still made a large enough splash when she arrived that we can probably expect more company eventually once word makes it back across the pond."

She? Sire?

"So what do we do?"

"For starters, we have Buffy here punch Giles and then make him look into how a copy of his reports wound up in Toulouse. Beyond that… we… I don't know, I'm still trying to sort all that out. It's a long list."

"Hold on! What in the huh now? French chick? Giles' reports? What?"

Jack turns around and looks at me for a moment. "Woman in charge, the Countess de Something Or Other.." Jack points down the road. There's a third SUV parked in the middle of the street with a missing door. "She organized this whole fustercluck based on information she got after eating a council courier."

...

"Excuse me." I give them my best fake smile, turning towards the SUV.

Faith grabs my arm. "Where you goin?"

I try to shake her loose. "To explain to her not to involve my sister-"

Jack snorts. "Way ahead of you. Trust me, I made her last moments as horrific as I could manage in the short time I had."

...

Damn. That shouldn't make me happy, should it?

"I even ripped out her- Oh! The orc!" Jack darts around the truck.

"Orc?" Faith and I both ask at the same time.

"It's what they look like to me." Jack shrugs, kneeling down on the chest of one of the green demons. It groans, apparently still alive? "Giles or Wesley can tell us what they're actually called," Jack reaches down, grabbing it's head and flickering purple again, "but I'm going with orc until then." He twists, hard, and I can hear it's neck snap.

"Kay. So they're orcs... Erm… It's dead, ain't it? Whatcha doin to it now?" Faith asks as Jack pries open its mouth and starts muttering about teeth.

"Just collecting some more parts…" Jack trails off with a grunt, as he pulls out one of the thing's fangs, "for Dawn's Christmas present." He rips out the other fang.

"Uhhh…" Faith looks at me.

I stare back at her and shrug. "Don't look at me. You're the one that calls him your brother." I look back at Jack. "But I don't see my sister wanting a bunch of demon teeth for Christmas. That's kinda of the gross."

Jack looks up at us and rolls his eyes. "I'm going to make them into a necklace first," he huffs.

Faith nods. "Oh. Okay."

...

Okay? Okay!?

Great... The crazy is catching.

"I repeat: Dawn and bunches of teeth are un-mixy things."

Jack looks from me to Faith and back again before shrugging and moving on to the next 'orc' that's still breathing and snapping it's neck too. "She'll come around. Point being, wearing a necklace full of vampire and demon fangs ought to make the local morons blink before trying to eat her. If it doesn't I'm going to enchant it to help protect her anyway." He blinks. "Or… well, that was the plan anyway… maybe I could have Amy enchant- damn. Too many projects. Not enough- hmmm…"

It worries me that Jack's expression is making Faith groan.

"The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of the expanding bureaucracy," Jack mutters, nodding to himself as if that makes perfect sense. "I need to talk to Liam."

Liam? Oh! He means Angel.

…wait.

" _...Why..?_ " Every time Jack's _talked_ to Angel, it's freaked him out and he _still_ refuses to tell me why their last chat bothered him so much.

Jack shrugs at me. "Well I'd ask William, but he's not around." He glares at me like it's my fault... which it totally is, but I'm _so not sorry._

"Yeah, I don't know what your plan is, but _that_ isn't making me any more comfy with it."

"Awesome!" Jack says in a tone that sounds anything but. "I'm not comfortable with it either."

"What in the huh?"

"Fledglings are fucking retarded. Working with them is going to be a royal pain in the ass. Bah! Maybe I'll get lucky and Liam will know where to find a more intelligent type of demon to minion."

 _Jack… with minions?_ I think I just threw up a little.

"How come you only took the fangs from that one?" Faith asks, prodding one of the other 'orcs' with her foot as Jack continues wandering around making sure they're all dead.

"That's the one that just barely missed her with its shotgun." Almost… I look back at the truck, thinking about that hole in the radio again. That could have been Dawn. "...can honestly claim," Jack apparently continued talking, rudely ignoring my moment having, "that her necklace is full of all that remains of the last few things to try and kill her. I've got the Countess's fangs in my pocket and- Oh! The driver." Jack jumps up and checks the SUV with the crumpled front. "Damn. Must have burnt up when the windshield cracked."

"Can we go back to the part about Jack hiring minions and come up with a plan where he doesn't? What do you even need minions for?"

"Digging mostly. Amy and I still don't- Oh, finally!" Jack abruptly stops talking and bounds off towards the ambulance that just pulled up.

...

I look at the scattered demon corpses. I look at Faith. She shrugs and tugs on my arm, pulling me towards the ambulance.

I groan. Digging he says. Digging. At least that'll make for a short patrol if they're all in one place.

A woman with red hair climbs out the passenger side door and looks around, shouting. "Who's in charge- Winters!? The hell are you doing here?"

She knows Jack? Oh. Right. Still gives me the wiggins that they let him work in a hospital.

Jack shrugs broadly, hands out to his sides. "Wilkins drafted me as the new County Sheriff."

The woman whistles at him mockingly. " _Lucky you…_ " It makes me smile, but seems to annoy Faith for some reason. "Well, what the hell happened here?"

"One count of attempted vehicular omnicide followed by a lot of attempted GSWs. I've got eight orcs for the-"

While Jack is talking, Faith is… staring at me and looking exasperated? What the what?

"Orcs? Oh, the Tog'magars? I guess they do kind of look like orcs."

Faith throws her arms up in the air and then folds them over her chest.

"Right. Six of those for the morgue. Plus, Bob got a little over excited and had to be sedated. He's over by one of the squad cars. Could you let Walsh know he might need a night in the tank for observation for me? Just to be on the safe side. Oh, but first, one of the vanilla civvies took a pretty bad blow to the neck in the crash." Jack points at where my mom and sister are standing off the side. "I think I fixed it, but I'd appreciate it if you could check her out first for me?"

"Sure thing, _Sheriff._ " She turns around and waves her partner over before heading towards Dawn.

...Vanilla?

"Who's that?" Faith asks, sounding annoyed. Glancing over at her, her arms are still folded across her chest and she's glaring at the EMT's back. I don't get it, but when she shifts her glare to Jack, I join in on principle.

Jack looks at us with a raised eyebrow. "That's Judith... She-"

"Nope. Try again!" Not-Judith shouts over her shoulder.

"That's Cheryl-"

"Still no!"

"Sarah?"

"...Close enough!"

"Okay. That's Sarah. She's one of our night-shift EMT's."

We have night shift EMT's in this town?

I guess my surprise must show on my face since Jack smirks at me and continues. "She's half something or other and doesn't smell like food."

"Oh."

"Yeah, I guess she and her husband- He's the human hiding in the ambulance- drew the short straw for today's holiday coverage."

"She's married?" Faith asks, hostile tone melting away as she uncrosses her arms. Wierd.

"Yeah..?" Jack looks confused, which makes me feels slightly better about being lost. Faith is acting more like Jack's jealous girlfriend than his sister. Jack agrees apparently, since he's giving Faith a strange look.

"...anyway… I feel like I'm forgetting something…" Jack starts back towards the wreckage, muttering and counting something on his fingers.

The moment Jack stops looking at her, Faith spins around and gives me a thumbs up while waving her other hand at her neck? What the what? Now Faith is… rolling her eyes at me and taking a step to her left..? Now she's repeating the first gestures?

Glancing behind me I spot Harmony giving her a thumbs up in return. What the what?

...

Oh my god! Why do I even care!?

"Komali!" Jack shouts, walking back towards us. Faith's hands immediately drop to her sides, and glancing back again I note that Harmony is being very careful to not look over at us..

...

No.

I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't- "Summers!"

I glare at Jack. "Don't you even start with that again."

He just rolls his eyes at me. Does he not see me making my 'don't mess with me' face? He could at least pretend to be afraid even if I can't stake him. "Get the tweedy wonders on the horn and see what they can tell us about Komali Demons. See if there's anything biologically or culturally significant I should know about while making a public spectacle out of torturing one to death."

...Torture!?

"And while you're at it, remember to punch Giles until he coughs up a good answer for what copies of his reports are doing in France would you?"

I will not-

"Hold up!" Faith folds her arms across her chest again and raises her eyebrows at Jack. Thank you! Finally someone is going to call him out on this insanity. "Why're we killin one of our poker buddies?"

...or not?

Faith! Why do you sound so… not bothered... by all this?

Of course Faith doesn't see me glaring at her pointedly, she's too busy looking at Jack who has a… resigned expression as he drags a hand down his face. "...Poker buddies?"

"Yeah. Komali plays poker with us on Thursdays." She shrugs. "When Ames and I can make it anyway."

"Your… _poker buddy_ …" Is he… growling? "Sold us out. Told Countess Whatsername and her band of orc- err… tog'magars… where we'd be today."

"That bitch! She put Dawn in their line of fire!"

...

"Excuse me!" I say as cheerfully as I can manage.

"Uh, B? Where ya goin?"

"Willy's Bar. I have a demon to slay."

 **-Summers Residence : One Sad Realization That Willy's Bar Won't Be Open Until After Sunset Anyway - Later-**

"No thank you. I'm good with my salad right now."

Faith grins at me. I know that grin. Nothing good comes from that grin. "B, salad ain't food!"

Oh. That wasn't so bad-

"Salad is what food eats!" Choruses her entire little family. And Dawn. My own sister.

Wait. Harmony and Dawn are eating salad too! "Traitors!"

Harmony just blinks at me while Dawn gives me her best, "Huh?"

"You're eating the salad too!"

"So?"

Eurgh!

...

Jack is staring at me. Why is Jack staring at me?

And why is he making that strange face?

Scowling back at him doesn't even make him blink.

...

"Can. I. Help. You?" I say with all the cheer I can manage in case my mom is listening from the kitchen.

Jack finally blinks. "Huh? Oh. Sorry." Did Jack just apologize? To me? "Got lost in thought. I know Faith was joking but it occurs to me that, at least for me anyway, it's kind of true. Salad really is what food eats." I glance down at my salad and then back up at Jack, glaring. Did he just call me food? He doesn't even seem to notice, just sits there making that same strange face at me for another moment before shrugging and shaking his head. "But then, so is steak I suppose. Or even you, really."

...

Okay, that time he definitely… "Can we please not talk about how you eat people?"

"...I wasn't-"

"You just called me food!"

"Oh, for the love of Hades... I did no such animal. I specifically called you, 'what food eats.' Though in retrospect, I don't know if you're really Tuesday's type."

I look around the table. No one else looks like they understand either. I sigh. I'm going to regret asking this. I just know it. "...Tuesday?"

Jack opens his mouth, but Faith suddenly snorts and drops her head down to the table, resting her forehead against it as she laughs. I almost feel better that Jack seems as confused by that as I am. Almost.

It takes her a moment, but Faith finally looks back up at us. She focuses on Jack and grins. "Taco Tuesdays?"

Jack grins back. "That… may… be why I see her on Tuesdays, yes."

Amy groans. "Hey, Dawn?"

"Yeah?"

"Do me a favor? I can't reach." She reaches up and smacks the back of Jack's head.

"Huh?" Dawn stares at Amy. "Oh!" Dawn smacks the back of Faith's head.

"What did I do!"

"You… you… ummm…" Dawn looks to Amy for help.

"Rule five!"

"Exactly! Rule five!" Dawn nods. "Wait." She frowns. "Isn't that the one about me not being allowed to go out alone on Tuesdays?"

Faith's nose scrunches up in thought. "No, I think that's like... numbah seven? Five is… ummm..."

"No encouraging Jack! " Amy practically growls at Faith.

Dawn grins. "Oh right! No Encouraging Jack. Especially when he's being gross!" She frowns and whispers in Faith's ear. "...I don't get it."

"Dawn… please don't encourage Faith either. She's just as bad."

"HEY!" Faith crosses her arms and huffs. "I resemble that remark!"

"No. Seriously. I don't get it."

Amy sighs, gesturing for Faith to continue. "May as well get it out of your system."

Faith grins and... makes a 'V' with two fingers? Why is she wiggling her tongue like- "Oh my God! Faith! No!" I shout just as Mom walks back into the room with the bowl of potatoes.

She looks at us, frowning for a moment before opting to set the bowl down and calmly ask us all, "Okay... what did I miss? Why does everyone look so..."

Why is Mom asking Jack!?

"Upset?" Jack laughs. "Not sure. I was just reassuring Buffy that she is not food even in spite of her… rabbit-like diet."

Mom looks around the table somewhat awkwardly, "That's... " She turns back to Jack, "umm... good..? Isn't it?"

"I thought so." Jack shrugs, smiling. "But then for some reason everyone suddenly got upset and I think Amy told Dawn to hit Faith?" Amy rolls her eyes while Dawn suddenly starts inspecting her fingernails very carefully.

I take a deep breath. I am _not_ going to be the one to start a fight in front of my mother. Not happening. Smiling brightly, I cram as much cheer as I can into my voice as I can manage. "I think it might have been your reasons why that bothered people." People like me for instance.

Jack stares at me again. He even manages to look genuinely confused. "I don't follow." He looks around the table. "I can't think of anything upsetting about my logic on that one."

"Really?" I stop and take another breath. Don't start a fight in front of Mom. Don't start a fight in front of Mom. I try again, slowly running out of cheer. "You can't think of anything at all about it that might bother me?"

"Well, no. I mean, let's see... You can't be food because:" Jack holds up a hand and starts ticking off his 'reasons.' "You save the world." Wait what? "A world I very much like living in, by the way. Which would make eating you rather counter-productive, wouldn't it? Then there's that bit where Joyce seems to like you for some reason..." Mom..! No! That's not funny. Why are your smiling? "...Eating you would upset her, and we can't have that. Ditto for Dawn and Faith. Though at least I can understand Faith's-" He cuts off as Amy and Harmony both reach over to whack him. "Would you stop that! Oh, whatever… last, but not least, you're a Sunnydale High student. I don't see how-"

"Scuse you! Sunnydale **_High_** Student?" Dawn folds her arms over her chest and mock glares at Jack.

"Yeah... Amy says they're off limits."

"Wait, I did what now?" Amy asks, sounding genuinely confused "I mean... they are! But," she raises an eyebrow, "I don't remember telling you that."

"It was back when we first moved in together. You- Oh... I guess technically you just told me to, 'pretend that you said something scathing about eating your classmates,' but I took that to mean it would bother you. So I-"

He stops as I point at Harmony, I know Jack's feeding from her. "What about Harmony?"

"Hey!" Harmony starts protests, but she settles down as Jack puts up a hand. What in the huh? Is she sulking? Maybe Cordelia was right about something extra wiggins making going on there?

"Pre-existing condition? Also, in case you somehow missed it," Jack gestures towards Harmony, "purely voluntary."

"And don't you dare try to change things now!" Harmony folds her arms across her chest and glares at me. "I'll have you know that I've lost 7 pounds since we started and I don't want them coming back. Pounds always bring friends when they come back."

Are you freaking kidding me!? I mean, She's not wrong about that last part, but _really?_

"Is that healthy?" Really, Mom? That's your concern?

"Seems to be. Or at least not unhealthy. I had one of the nutrition specialists at the hospital work up a supplement plan for her as if she was anemic and-"

"It's cheating is what it is." Amy mutters not so quietly. Harmony sticks her tongue out at her.

My mother _laughs. She laughs!_ Eurgh! My house is full of crazy people and they're infecting my mother! "Can we just... go back to eating?"

Jack nods empathically, and points at me. "At the risk of starting an apocalypse, I actually agree with Buffy."

 _..._

 _Jack..._ agrees... with me? Yeah, that's definitely a world endy sort of wiggins.

...

Gah! Did I just _agree_ with _Jack?  
_

 **-Winters Residence : Saturday Night-**

"Come on, B!" Faith tugs me towards their house. "This is gonna be awesome! It's been forever since we got to patrol togetha."

"Sure, but… do we have to go inside?"

Faith turns around and stares at me for a moment.

"What? I just- I don't feel like deal with your brother right now.

"This about Willy's? You're not still upset-"

"No! ...yes? It's not- Eurgh! It's not fair!"

"Umm… what?"

"I've been slaying demons here for years and they still see me as food!"

"Oh… and my brother just walks into Willy's, says 'hi,' and the demons piss themselves?" Faith starts to smile at the memory, then frowns. "Demon piss smells really bad."

I glare at my sister slayer, I did not need to be reminded of that. Blech. "Okay, first, he did not just say 'hi.' He also zapped her with that bolt of lightning. Second, he didn't have to look so… _smug_ … about it. Also, you're not really making me feel better here."

"Oh! I know what'll cheer ya up." She grins at me. "Ya know that food thing is on purpose right?"

"...What?"

"Yah! Jack thinks we smell delicious on purpose. We're a trap, like those flowers Ames made." She points at… those are flowers? "Only with more...punchin 'n shit." She swings her fist, barely missing my face. "And less huge ass bees, thank Christ."

Faith shudders… No. I am _so_ not asking. Waiting a moment for her to open the door, I reluctantly follow her into the madhouse.

"Faith!" Jack yells from the other room, the library I think?

"Jack, no! Stop! Come back! Damn it!" Even over Amy's yelling, I can hear heavy rapid footsteps coming from the library.

Great. Just the vampire I was looking to avoid dealing with.

The door slams open and Jack charges out, stark naked except for a shirt that seems to be trying to wrap itself around his waist.

Faith laughs, putting one hand on her hip as she walks towards him. "We doin naked saturdays now? Pretty sure Ames won't go for that."

"Faith..." Jack stumbles up to her and… he… smells her..? What the what? Even Faith seems surprised by this. "My sister." He nods. "Not the imposter. No more imposter. Killed the imposter. Ate her. Had fun-" Jack's face suddenly swivels over towards me and he stares for a moment, glancing back and forth from me to Faith.

I can't quite make out what he's muttering but it makes Faith take a step back and go, "huh?"

All of a sudden Jack slides into gameface, shouting. "She stabbed my sister!" His expression further twists into pure rage as he rushes towards me. "Left her for dead in that truck!"

 _What the what?_ I bring my fists up and shift my weight, getting ready to fight but Jack stops short a few feet away and starts... giggling? His game-face melts away as he laughs.

"Got bet-ah! Swapped with Buffy." Jack leans towards me, staring at my face with a strange smile. "Why yes, I would be Buffy, may I help you?"

"Umm… what?" I glance at Faith who seems just as confused as I am.

"Buffy Buffy Buffy Buffy Buffy... _Buffy!_ " Jack says, while making weird faces at me, stretching it out with his hands or sticking his tongue out at me. Jack suddenly scowls, shaking his finger at me. "You can't do that. That would be _wrong._ "

Faith giggles. "He's got you there, B."

"Hey! I do not sound like that."

...Do I?

"Oh! Then she tells Spike…" Jack trails off, doubling over laughing. "She... " He snorts. "Pop... Warm champagne!" Jack's laughter dies, cutting off abruptly as he drops bonelessly to floor and just sits there looking sad. "Poor William. So confused. Buffy never said things like that to him. The bot did-." Jack starts cackling again, toppling over onto his back. "Marzipan… pie plate… Never going to let William live that down… wait… she'll never- Could tell Warren- no… not the same. Warren shoots Tara. Willow tries to-" Jack snorts. "And this one time at band camp!" Jack dissolves into another fit of giggles.

I hear a loud sigh and look up to see Amy standing in the doorway to the library. Her hair looks frazzled and she sounds… stressed as she massages her temples.

"Faith, could you go downstairs and grab me some of Liam's blood? I don't think I can do this for the whole hour."

Liam- Angel's blood!?

"Sure." Faith starts towards the basement door before I can grab her. "Be right back, B."

"Why do you have Angel's blood in the basement?"

Faith just looks back at me blankly, head tilted slightly. "Cause sire's blood helps with mind stuff." She shrugs at me and then looks at Amy. "Jack's gonna be okay, right?"

"That's not a reason!"

I can hear the buzzing noise but not my own voice. Amy must have used her favorite spell on me. I don't let her not paying me any attention stop me from trying to glare a hole through her.

"He should be." She tells Faith while gesturing at me to 'hold on.' "I think it's just a bad reaction to the memory spell. He seems to be free-associating his whole life at the moment." Amy explains as she walks over and holds out a hand to Jack. "Come on Jack. Let's go back to the library, okay?"

"Amy doesn't like cheese."

...

I guess I can more easily beat an answer out of Jack about the blood when he's less… cuckoo for cocoapuffs...

"Yup." Amy nods. "That's tru-"

"Cheese for everyone!" Jack shouts, not taking her hand. "No wait... cheese for no one."

Yup. Definitely waiting for him to make more sense before I ask him about the blood. And why is he allowed to babble like an idiot but I get silenced the moment I- Eurgh!

...

Wow. I'm expecting Jack to sober up and make more sense… clearly the crazy is catching.

Amy looks up and sighs. "Faith, hurry?"

She reaches down and grabs Jack's foot, dragging him towards the library as he continues to giggle. "Kind of a reward in and of itself if you don't like cheese."

" _Harmony!_ " I can hear Amy shout as she reaches the library door. "Put your shirt back on!"

...

"There is no paint!"

Yup.

Screw it.

I'm going downstairs with Faith before the crazy proves to be of the contagious variety.

Sprinting down the stairs I can hear Faith talking to herself. "...Luck with walkin, huh, JT? That sucks."

Crap, I was joking!

I really hope it's not actually catching.

Looking around, I see the vault door we took to get to the caves…

Oh... Of course Jack kept the shotguns. I suppose I should just be happy that they're locked up on that rack next to the door instead of laying around on a table for Dawn to play with.

And there's Faith, holding two vials of blood as she kicks another vault door closed behind her and walks back towards me.

Faith pauses, patting a guy strapped down to a stretcher on the head as she walks towards me. "Don't worry, Jack will fix you up soon as he can."

A guy strapped down to a stretcher!?

Why does Jack have a-

Wait, is that?

Holy-

That's-

Oh my god!

"Hey B. Just telling JT, Aww, shit, B, you ain't supposed to come down here. Family only." Faith sprints over to me, grabbing my arm and trying to pull me back up the stairs.

I don't so much fight her as I do... topple backwards and wind up sitting on the stairs, staring at the boy on the stretcher.

"...Jesse?"

"Huh? The hell is wrong with you? Come on."

I point.

Faith looks at me like I'm crazy. "B… That's just JT."

JT? Who? What was Jesse's last name? "No! That's… that's..."

"Come on." She tugs on my arm again. "It's just some vamp that hitched a ride back from suck-land with Jack."

...

What?

He's a vampire? "Oh god. Xander…"

"What about Xander?"

"That's not JT, that's Xander's friend Jesse. His… _dead_ friend Jesse."

"...Huh." Faith says calmly. "That explains a lot actually."

"What!?" I scramble to my feet and stare at Faith.

"Jack's tryin _real_ hard to re-alive him with the lazehs."

...

Re…alive… him?

...

With _lasers?_

"Yeah I don't get it eitha, but Jack seems to think it'll work."


	84. Interlude 16B - We Have A Problem

_A/N - **shuffles feet awkwardly** So... I thought I'd posted this ages ago. Oops?_

 **Interlude 16B - Houston, We Have A Problem**

***POV Xander***

 **-Sunnydale High - Library : Wednesday - Afternoon-**

Grabbing the handle on the library door, I shake my head ruefully at myself.

Gah! Ruefully? _Really?_ Why do I even know that word? Stupid Willow and her stupid SAT Prep.

...I hope she does well and gets herself out of this hellhole.

Still, realizing that I no longer get a case of the wiggins over voluntarily being at the school long after classes are over, or sometimes even on the weekends, is its own brand new sort of wiggins-worthy thing.

Finally pulling open the door, I'm almost run over by a group of kids swarming out.

Gah! I just called the freshmen 'kids.'

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

But they're just so… tiny... and- Okay, no. Just no. No more of those kind of thought havings.

Fighting past the tide of miniature freshmen, I spot Giles at his desk with that new watcher guy.

Giles looks… Oh boy, he's already polishing his glasses and I haven't even told him my news yet.

That new guy... Wesley..? He doesn't look much better. They both have this sort of PTSD vibe going on.

And thank you ever so much, Private Harris, for leaving me vague memories of just what that means.

"I think…" Wesley pauses, looking at me funny and then straightening up, squaring his shoulders, and nodding to himself. "Right then. I think I'll give that contraption in your office another go. Make us some tea."

"That sounds like a bloody marvelous idea."

Wesley starts heading towards the office as Giles sort of sags in his chair. Still working on his glasses, he doesn't even seem notice me.

Best to get it over then. "Yo, G-Man!"

"Xander..." He sighs, turning around and pointing at me with his glasses before putting them back on "Must you call me that infernal-" He pauses, looking at me. "...What is it?"

I look around the library to make sure there's no one still here. "Just a heads up, but we... may... have a problem."

"Ah. Yes, I did notice that Snyder has decided to move study hall into the library."

Oh.

I look around the library again. It is missing the usual level of clean and orderly. "...Ouch."

"Indeed. Miss Madison seemed quite pleased with herself for giving Snyder the idea."

" _Amy_ did this?"

Giles smiles weakly. "It seems I may have slightly misjudged a situation and left her rather annoyed with me. Clearly Jack is not the only member of their household prone to seeking their petty revenges."

"Oh. Huh. Yeah… I probably could have told you that. _Woe_ unto anyone that tried to steal her brownies when we were little and all that. Actually... On that note, Faith seems nice enough but I'd suggest a strict 'beware of Harmony' policy on that front too."

"I see." He rubs his forehead. "Shall I assume from your expression earlier that this _isn't_ the problem you were referring to?"

"No. Do you know anything about a Father Callaghan?"

"He's a member of the local clergy. In fact, I get most of our holy water from- Oh dear. Has something happened to him?"

"Hmmm... Oh. No. No happenings that I know of, but Jack-"

"Good Lord."

"Exactly! He was talking to Thomas this morning-"

"...Thomas?"

"Yeah… Thomas O'Toole? He was on the swim team with me last year. "

"Ah. One of the survivors then?"

"Yeah. So then this paper Jack gave him caught fire and Thomas ran off chanting Father Callaghan's name."

"I don't suppose you were able to find him and ask what it was all about?"

"No. Sorry. I sort of may have possibly gotten into an argument with Jack about eating our classmates. In my defense, he started it."

"Yes, Xander," Giles sighs. "I'm sure that he did."

"Right." I nod. "Glad that's settled. But then there was class, and either I missed him after last period, or he went home early."

"Very well, I'll try and reach out to Father Callaghan and make sure he knows to be on guard. Perhaps I'll be able to find a way to contact this… Mr. O'Toole was it?" I nod at Giles' questioning expression. "As well."

 **-Harris Residence : Friday Morning-**

"Alright, got it. Thirty Seven Centennial Road. Thanks, Giles."

Hanging up the phone, I grab the phonebook and clear a space; moving some of the empty beer bottles from the kitchen table to the recycling.

Unfolding the map in the back, I flip through the index to C and slide my finger down… Camp… Carriage… Cecelia… ok CE. Cedar…Celestial… Centennial! Square B3.

I luck out searching for Centennial Road since it's right at the corner of the square.

Huh.

That's not too far from here. Just a bit down Hollister. Guess that makes sense, he was in kindergarten with us.

Quietly making my way through the living room so as not to disturb my parents' recovery from yesterday's festivities, I grab my skateboard and head out the door.

Barely even ten minutes later, I'm in front of his house. It's almost 9. They should be awake by now, right?

I think I can see movement inside?

Yeah, I definitely do. The door swings open just as I'm heading up the walkway and a vaguely familiar woman steps out.

"Hi... Missus O'Toole?" She smiles so I think I guessed correctly. "Is Thomas home?"

She stares at me for a moment, like she's sizing me up, before suddenly snapping her fingers. "Oh! You're the Harris boy. I haven't seen you since you were… Gosh, maybe this tall?" She holds her hand out near her waist. "I trust you won't be running around in your underpants in my house?"

I can feel my face heating up as flashbacks to kindergarten set in. "No, Ma'am!" Is it really too much to ask for one of the spells that hit this town every few months to make people forget about the Aquaman Incident? Forever.

"Glad to hear it. I think they're in the living room just inside, dear." They? She leans back into the house and yells, "Thomas! You have another visitor!" Another? "The Harris boy-" She pauses and looks back at me with a frown. "Alex right?"

"I usually go by Xander now, but yeah... That's me."

She nods, yelling into the house again. "Xander's here! Try not to burn the house down while I'm at work."

She smiles and waves me into the house before continuing towards the car in the driveway.

Okay… That was weird. People don't just let people they haven't seen in a decade into their home and then leave.

...Right?

"Bats! Get in here!"

Great.

Looks like I'm too late.

Jack's already gotten himself invited into the house.

"Wait!" I can hear Thomas yell as I step into the house. I pause for a moment, but it sounds like he's talking to someone else in the living room and not me even if I can't make out the words until he starts yelling again. "...working for YOU? What the hell? You're in high school!"

Walking into the living room I find Thomas staring at Jack, surprise and confusion written all over his face.

Not all that unusual when dealing with Jack…

Speaking of the crazy vamp, he's looking at me now. And he's smirking. Of course he is. "You're not following me, are you, Bats?"

What? "No."

"Bullshit!" Thomas calls out unexpectedly, suspicion and anger coloring has voice. "Xander, you have never just visited my house, out of the blue, before." A puzzled expression crosses his face. "...No one does…Wait. Is this because he's a friend of Amy's?"

I blink.

What? Huh?

Jack has an equally baffled expression on his face as Thomas slowly backs away from us eyeing us both suspiciously. "I don't care if you can prove it or not, if you're worried that he's doing some sort of screwed up joke for her, tell me now, Xander."

Screwed up? Probably. For Amy? "...No?" How do I explain how dangerous Jack is to someone that doesn't know about vampires? "Nothing to do with Amy." Instead of taking the hint, Thomas visibly relaxes, nodding to himself.

An awkward silence stretches out for a moment as I try to think of a way to explain. Before I come up with anything, Jack shrugs. "Where was I? Oh yeah," He holds up a newspaper and turns back to Thomas. "So that new sheriff the... *ahem* 'gangbangers that totally didn't have dark green skin, horns, or tusks of any kind' were shooting at was... me."

I smile at Jack. "Aww… They missed?"

"They were demons?" Thomas asks, eyes widening.

"That's a shame-"

Wait.

I look at Thomas.

Thomas stares right back at me.

"You know about demons!?" We both ask at the same time.

Well that should make explaining why Jack's dangerous easier.

Jack laughs- Fortunately not the deranged cackle he does when he's fighting, thank God- clapping his hands together. "Nah... They got me point blank in the back of the head with a shotgun. It actually stung a lot less than I would have expected it to. Then again, having just been hit by an SUV might have messed with my perceptions. THAT hurt."

Damn. I guess I can tell Giles to add cars and headshots to the list of things that won't work.

" _Hit by an SUV!?_ ...What the hell are you?" Thomas is staring at Jack, eyes wide and skin getting pale. His hands are shaking, and his breathing doesn't sound very good.

Jack gets as far as, "Well-" Before cutting off when Thomas just sort of topples backwards, like he tripped without moving, abruptly going from standing to sitting on the floor. He doesn't move to get back up and I can hear him breathing even more heavily. Looking closer I can see he's starting to sweat and his arms and legs are shaking slightly as well.

"Crap!" Moving to his side... his eyes follow me as I go. Uh… That's a good sign, right? I feel silly asking, since the answer is obviously no, but… "Are you okay?"

I think he sort of nods at me? Unless it's just his head just shaking too? A seizure maybe?

"Fine." He finally bites out, between deep gasping breaths. He's not looking at me though, his eyes are fixed firmly on Jack as he takes a half step towards us, forcing me to shift in order to try and keep both him and Thomas in view.

Jack ignores me, bending down slightly to peer at Thomas. "Some sort of panic attack?" he asks, sounding like he's just barely curious.

I catch Thomas nodding unsteadily again out of the corner of my eye.

"Odd." Jack straightens out and scratches at his chin. "Though I suppose the other you might have had years to work past it before I met him. Or found the right meds maybe?"

Okay, now he's just being a dic- huh? "Other him?"

"Yeah." Jack nods at me.

"What…" Thomas forces out next to me as I try and sort out just what that's supposed to mean. He takes another pair of shallow breaths , and then continues, "are... you?"

"Oh." Jack shrugs. "Well, my mother says-"

Yeah… No. Not playing _that_ game again. "He's a _vampire_."

"Spoilsport…" Jack sighs, looking up and taking a deep breath before glaring back at me. "See, Bats, _this_ is why we can't take you places. You give away the ending and spoil the story." But he turns back to Thomas and nods, so mission accomplished.

Eyes wide, Thomas is already scrambling backwards away from Jack. Or trying to at least; that weird shaking thing his body is doing makes it hard for for him to get any traction on the hardwood floor. He winds up shifting backwards very slowly.

Jack just watches him go, tracking him with his eyes with one eyebrow raised until he bumps into the steps up leading to the kitchen. The edge of the bottom step hits his back and he stops, frantically fumbling with the neckline of his shirt.

I try to pull Jack's attention back to me and off of Thomas as I look around for _something_ to use as a weapon. "What story? You're a demon wearing a corpse like a suit."

Jack snorts, folding his arms over his chest. "Well I suppose if you want to be ridiculously morbid and judgemental about it. Gods, you people make it sound like it was occupied when I…" He trails off, doing what looks like a double take at Thomas. I glance over and see him holding a cross out.

Oh great. Waving a cross in his face will just annoy-

Or… apparently amuse him? If the broad smile on his face is an accurate way to judge these things.

Yeah... let's not risk it . Thomas's breathing sounds like it's getting better, but his arms are still shaking a bit so it doesn't look like running for it is an option yet. I take a step in between Jack and Thomas, "Hey, it's the truth-"

Without any warning Jack is just suddenly past me. Before I've even really registered that he'd started moving, he's already across the room and kneeled down in front of Thomas … Crap! I hate it when they do that.

Upshot, I have a clear path to the fireplace where I can grab the cast iron poker.

A fire poker?

I am so going to die.

Well… Willow did wonder that one time if the reason he never technically lies is that he can't… but still: A fire poker?

Even if he is some sort of 'deathly allergic to iron' faerie-vampire-thing, I'm still going to die before I can do anything with that thing.

I grab it anyway and turn back around towards them. Jack is… playing with Thomas's cross necklace with a goofy grin on his face? What?

Thomas's arms have fallen to his sides and he's just sort of sitting there, shaking in place as Jack tries to hand him back his cross. He doesn't take it, his arms still shaking as he just stares at Jack's face in the… oh. Sunlight. Yeah...

Jack glances over at me with a frown on his face, snorting dismissively when he spots the poker and turning back to Thomas. "Would you like some help with that?"

"I can't stand." Thomas half speaks, half murmurs.

Jack rolls his eyes. "So I gathered." I move closer. Slowly.

"My legs- Damn it!" Thomas spasms in place, the shaking of his limbs getting more violent, voice sounding more and more panicked. "My leg- my whole body went numb."

"Right. I can fix-"

"No!" Thomas sucks in a deep breath, continuing is a slightly more normal tone." I don't need your help. Just-" He pauses, still trying to get his breathing under control. "Look... if you're not going to kill me, then... could you give me a minute?"

"Kill you? Oh for fucks' sake!" Jack drops the cross necklace in Thomas's lap and stands up. "What is with you mortals and being all morbidly dramatic."

Jack stomps over to the couch, not even glancing in my direction as he goes by, and flops down looking irritated. I try to casually hold the fire poker out just a bit further as he goes by, but there's none of the hoped for Fey vs. Iron sizzling when his hand bumps against it.

Jack doesn't even seem to notice that I did it, for all the good that does me. I can't think of any way to actually force Jack out of the house now that I've ruled that option out.

He's way too dangerous, even just lying there on the couch-

Is he... sulking?

He is! What the hell?

The awkward silence stretches out for a moment.

The three of us continue; me standing there awkwardly holding a fire poker that I know probably can't actually hurt Jack in any way that would count, Thomas sitting on the floor struggling to get his breathing under control, and Jack sulking on the couch.

As the moment awkward silence settles down to raise a family, I let the fire poker slowly lower down until the tip is resting on the floor. Having it at the ready won't do me much good and probably isn't helping Thomas's nerves. Not that I'm letting go of it until I spot a better weapon. No siree.

Jack... looks like he's moved on and has started counting the bumpy things on the ceiling when Thomas seems to get control of himself and stands up shakily.

"Okay." Thomas slowly makes his way to a chair on the opposite side of the room from Jack. He doesn't sit down, just leans against the back using it like a cane. "There is a lot of stuff I don't really get but I _think_ I understand the basic jist? First off, Xander, I'm guessing that you don't trust Jack? Given what Father Callaghan told me about vampires, I guess I don't really blame you. So... thank you for looking out for me? I really, really, appreciate it. And, second, I need to get accustomed to this new reality that I've just been thrust into. Fast." He pauses, taking a deep steadying breath. "Jack, this job offer, is it dangerous?"

 _"_ _What job offer?"_

"I…" Jack frowns, trailing off as he looks at me from the couch. Why is Jack staring at me like that? "I don't… _think_... Bats over there would actually try to beat you to death with that fire poker for taking it, but..."

I stare right back at him as he trails off with a little half shrug. "Ha. Fucking. _Ha_. What job-"

"I'll take it."

Jack and I both turn to stare at Thomas. About the only good news is that Jack actually looks surprised. "You don't want to know more about it first?"

"No, I don't care." Thomas looks almost as surprised by his statement as I feel about it. "I'll take the job."

"Thomas, you can't-"

He holds up a hand. "'Demons are real' gave me a panic attack. I was- am-" He looks pointedly at his raised hand. "My hands are _still_ fucking shaking." He pauses again, shaking his head. "What do I do? Forget everything and live in ignorant bliss? No thank you. I don't want to live my life like that. Plus, lying to myself won't keep the truth from trying to _eat me!_ "

He seems to know that panic is creeping back into his voice, taking a few deep breaths before continuing.

"Look. I know why I got that letter. Anyone that knows me would realize that, for me, being willfully ignorant is intolerable."

Jack stretches, lounging on the couch looking smug. "I think it would be fair to say that the author knew you pretty well. After a fashion anyway."

"What job offer?"

They ignore me. Thomas doesn't even look like he really registered what I said and Jack… is Jack; he seems to be enjoying not answering me.

"I think… Yeah. I think this is a good opportunity," Thomas continues after a moment, though his tone doesn't quite match the statement. Maybe I can still talk him out of whatever Jack's roped him into.

"Thomas, what job offer?"

Thomas just shrugs at me. "A job where I can force myself to deal with all this crap in an environment that isn't too dangerous and, hopefully, I'll get used to all of it. Or at least enough so I don't suffer from... this..." he holds up his still shaking hand before shrugging and letting it drop to his lap. "So, unless you have better options I think I need to try. I mean, what did you do when you found out about all this anyway?"

"I joined a sort of... vampire hunting... group… thing."

"What?" Thomas's head jerks back in surprise. "Seriously? And you're still alive?"

From the couch, Jack snorts. "I know, right? I'd say something about thinking with the wrong head… but the other him did the exact the same thing even without the hot chick egging him on."

Wait, what? "The _other_ me?" I ask, at about the same time as Thomas asks, "The other him?" He seems far less surprised by that part than everything else. I know Jack mentioned an 'Other Thomas' earlier?

Jack just waves us off. "Long story involving a reality warping demon spawning an alternate timeline... thing... I'm not really certain how it works so if it's alright with you guys I'm going to plead timey-whimey ball and just add that Dawn, Harmony, and I suddenly finding ourselves in a world where The Master ate Buffy back in sophomore year was… not an experience any of us would care to repeat. Ever. Seeing you and 'Deadboy' _almost_ managing to get along while running some sort of local militia was kinda fun to watch, but I wouldn't say it was worth the aggravation."

Jack sounds… tired and mopey. I don't think I've ever heard him do either of those before.

"Right… so, my new job? What does it entail?"

"R&D mostly." Jack sits up and pulls a large cross out of his pocket. "I got this blessed holy dagger thing while I was playing temporal ping pong and I was hoping you could help me try and recreate it in a more... rail-gun friendly format."

"That…" Thomas glances down, holding up the cross hanging from his neck, and then back at the larger version in Jack's hand. "It looks just like..."

"The cross you're wearing right now?" Jack grins. "I did notice that."

"...I made that?"

"Well, I never got the chance to ask alternate-you about it specifically before the time-warping magic unraveled, but I think so and I'm willing to front some cash to find out."

"So I _might_ have made this in some alternate timeline? I don't even know where to start. I mean, If it's a holy weapon, I probably learned how to make it from Father Callaghan? I'd probably be learning this whether you hired me or not. I'm not really sure why you'd want to give me a job for something I'm going to do on my own, especially when I have no idea how long it would take to make?"

 _"_ _Exactly!"_ Jack's response leaves Thomas glancing over at me, as if I can somehow force Jack to start making sense. Not that either Thomas's reaction or my equally lost shrug stop Jack from continuing. "I have no idea how long it'd take you to muddle through all on your own, but I'm pretty sure it'll take less time to sort through with help."

Thomas frowns.

Having slightly more experience dealing with Jack, I point out."That doesn't explain why you want it done faster… Or want it at all really."

"Oh." Jack shifts uncomfortably on the couch and looks sheepish as he scratches at the back of his head. "Plenty of reasons. The most pressing one being that I… uh… _may_ have promised my sister that I'd take her to Pylea over winter break without really thinking through all the implications."

Pylea? That sounds familiar… where have I heard-

"What or where is Pylea?" Thomas asks, clearly on the same page.

"Different dimension. Relatively nearby as these things go, so it's easier to get to than most. Or at least... I _think_ that's how it works. Grain of salt, Multiversal Cosmology isn't exactly my strong suit, but you get the gist."

Different dimension..? Oh! "The place Lorne is from? Wait. You want to bring Faith to a Hell Dimension?"

"You say that like _this_ isn't one." Jack twirls a hand, pointing idly around us. "Actually, Pylea probably counts as being _less_ hellish than here, if a bit Medieval. I mean suuuure... it's full of demons that keep humans as slaves but I believe that's generally pronounced 'target rich environment.' Faith will love it."

Yeah. That's a trap. Going to have to find a way to warn Faith.

"Then what's the problem?" Sadly, Thomas seems to have left our shared page. He looks like he's calmed down a bit now, though, if even more confused

"My sister will probably love having a dragon swoop down on us and set our everything on fire _slightly_ less." Jack shrugs, frowning. "Or maybe slightly more? Who even really knows with her. It probably depends on how sword proof dragons turn out to be if we're being honest." Jack shakes his head. "Either way, fair fights are for suckers. I'd much rather have some way of downing the damned things at range before we go hopping the interdimensional fences." Jack stands up and stretches. "I figure anything that can make even _me_ feel a wee bit tingly ought to make a decent dragon repellent. Mostly I'd just rather we didn't have to close to melee range with something like a _dragon_. My great-grandfather's aspirations of playing Saint George aside, it just strikes me as a terrible plan. Besides, it'll be good practice for this year's apocalypse."

I think I'm starting to sense a pattern in Jack's storytelling style. He somehow managed a half yawn like _the world ending_ was the boring part of all of that.

"Apocalypse..?" Thomas sounds resigned. Which isn't panic, which is of the good. Sadly, it seems this is only because he hit his limit and can't be bothered to panic any more. He's still clearly adjusting to living in our hometown with the blinders off. "Wait, _this year's!?_ "

Spoke too soon. Putting a hand on Thomas's shoulder to steady him before he has another panic attack, I glare at Jack. "Must you?"

Shrugging, Jack sits up. "Well I definitely don't want to be under-geared when the apocalypse arrives."

"Guys. Seriously. Apocalypse?"

Jack ignores him, standing up and pointing accusingly at me. "You people hit that Judge guy with an RPG, how is this any different?"

"How do you even… no. Not playing that game again."

"Guys!" Thomas tries a third time, shouting. " _What apocalypse!?_ "

Jack waves him off, checking his watch and frowning. "This is _Sunnydale_ , the end is almost perpetually nigh yet somehow never arrives."

"...Oh. Well that's alright then." His tone is calm but his face starts twitching, as if in protest over the words it just said. "As long as it never arrives."

"Yeah, you'll get used to it soon enough. Anyway though, I should get going. More errands to run and all that rot. Just be at the house tomorrow morning, let's say… around 10..? for the staff meeting and we can sort out your hiring paperwork then."

And with that, Jack makes his way towards the door, only pausing to turn around when he's halfway through.

"Oh! Before I forget, I'd suggest wearing something you won't mind losing or getting ruined. Even aside from some of the work potentially being underground, there's always a risk of Harmony spontaneously deciding you need a whole new wardrobe or something."

 **\- Giles' Flat : Friday Night-**

"Good evening, Xander." Giles opens the door the rest of the way, stepping to the side to let me in and only relaxing his grip on the cross in his hand once I'm over the threshold.

"It's official. He's started recruiting."

"We knew that." Wesley doesn't even look up from whatever the dusty looking tome he's holding is. Seriously, the thing is thicker than my textbooks. Plus side, he's stopped making excuses to run away or hide from me now that Giles explained that I'm one of the 'civilians that helps the Slayer' and not just a regular student looking for help with homework.

"...we did?" I grab a seat at the table and look at the large pile of books and notes the two watchers have assembled.

"Yes," Giles removes his glasses but starts rubbing his eyes instead of polishing them. "Buffy mentioned…" Giles glances at me and sighs. "Evidently it came up over Thanksgiving. I don't suppose you happened to find out what manner of demon he's decided to employ."

Huh? "Demon?"

"Yes. He apparently indicated that he planned to consult with Angelus on which demons would make good minions. For what I trust are obvious reasons, I haven't yet been able to follow up on that particular lead."

"Ah. I guess Deadboy suggested the common high schooler then."

"What?"

"He was already at Thomas's house when I got there; seems to think Thomas might have some sort of gift for enchanting things."

"Oh dear."

"Yeah. It was weird, he said he was hiring for a Sunnydale Sheriff's Department that doesn't exist and-"

"It does actually." Wesley puts the book to the side and reaches across the table to hand me a… newspaper? "Mayor Wilkins announced its formation this morning. Page 3 I believe."

"How did Jack rope the mayor into this?"

Giles sets his tea cup down on the table. "Other way around I'm afraid."

"Yes. Your Mayor Richard Wilkins the Third appears to be the same Richard Wilkins the First who founded this town nearly a century ago."

"Huh. I guess he looks good for his age?"

"Mmm… yes. There is that. The Council's records on this region are a touch spotty on the subject, but it would appear that at the time he was known as a sorcerer of considerable skill, if only middling power. Exerting control over the local hellmouth for a century certainly does seem to have agreed with him."

"Our Mayor is in on the town's crazy? In the words of Oz: that would explain a lot actually."

"Indeed. That still leaves us with a great many questions pertaining to why he had a town built over the hellmouth and what his long term plans are. Mister Rayne, whom I believe you've met, got the impression that it would all be coming to a head soon."

"Why Wilkins founded- Hold up. Jack mentioned... something... about that when he first arrived in town."

"He did?"

"Yeah, he was pretending to be offended that we thought he was a vampire and he talked about... I think he said the town was founded as some sort of haven for demons? I remember Wills thought it explained a lot about why our sewers are so oversized and interconnected with the caves under the town."

"Is there any particular reason none of you thought to mention that particular detail?"

"Uh... _well_ … when you leave out the bit where the current Mayor Wilkins is _that_ Mayor Wilkins it seems less of the important and more of the historical trivia-ness?"

"I see." Giles reaches for his glasses.

"Yeah… Speaking of upsetting things and your needing to know them... Jack's planning to bring Faith to _**Hell**_ for Christmas."

Giles freezes. Wesley's head shoots up. Both with eyes wide. "Excuse me?"

"He's got some sort of trip to a hell dimension called Pylea planned for-"

"Oh. That." Wesley nods, and goes back to his book. "Yes. I've been invited as well as an observer."

I share a concerned look with Giles.

We've been doing that a lot lately.

"We clearly need to know-"

 ** _Bang. Bang Bang._**

The door shakes. Startled, Wesley drops his book. Giles' barely even blinks before sighing and getting up around to go answer the door again. And, speak of the Slayer, I can hear Buffy shouting, "Giles!" outside.

I can hear Giles sigh as he opens the door. "Yes, Buffy?"

Buffy immediately ducks past him, moving inside and standing with her back to Wesley and me. "Just to be clear," she points up at him, "I'm still not speaking to you. I mean, I am, because this is important, but after this there can be more lack of speakage. Got it?"

Giles somehow manages to not roll his eyes. "I understand."

I quietly roll up the the newspaper Wesley handed me and poke him with it. "Psst. Buffy's not speaking to Giles?"

"Okay then." Buffy folds her arms across her chest. "Good. Because I'm still mad at you."

"Yes." Wesley nods absently as he whispers back. "He seems to allow his slayer an unusual amount of leeway in that regard."

"I did apologize-"

"...Right…" This from the man who lets his slayer live with the vampire that ate her brother. Wait. Giles apologized? For what? Shouldn't that be the other way around?

"Indeed. I've considered writing the council about it, but it would seem that our reports are being intercepted."

"Ah. Ah. No." And now there's a Buffy finger in Giles' face. "Not to Dawn you didn't. Eurgh! Let's just get this over with."

I poke Wesley again. "What the heck did Giles say that upset Dawn?"

A deep breath, and Buffy starts pacing back and forth. "Faith wanted to grab that stupid hammer before we went on Patrol."

"Yes." Giles nods, looking glad to be free from the threat of Buffy-pokes. Which, surprisingly, not a slayer thing. Dawn can do it too. "She does seem rather keen on using it."

"Nothing." Wesley shrugs. "At least not as far as I'm aware."

"Then why?" I wave my hand in Giles' direction, but Wesley just makes a shushing motion with his hand. I guess we're giving up on even pretending not to listen in?

"Yeah, well… it's still stupid. So we go to The Madhouse. Jack was high as a kite and like acting even crazier than normal. Like… we're talking ranting about his family tree being a traffic circle, glowing magic diagram included and making banjo noises included, kinds of crazy."

"Ah. So you believe he's come unhinged and may be a danger to Faith?"

"What? No. Well, yes. But that's not- No more than usual? Ungh. Just let me finish. So Amy had us go and get some of Angel's blood from the basement fridge. Which, by the way, why do they even have that in the fridge!? That's weird, right?"

"I'm not entirely certain that traditional definitions of-"

"ANYWAY!" Buffy waves both arms in front of her, cutting Giles off. "Forget I asked. I uh… In the basement. I found… "

As Buffy trails off to take a deep breath, Wesley leans in. "Apparently the younger Miss Summers was involved in some sort of automobile accident."

Auto- "Dawn was in a car crash!? Why didn't anyone tell me!? Is she okay!?"

Buffy spins around and stares at me for a moment, like she hadn't realized I was here until just now. "Xander!? What are you doing here?"

I point at the piles of books and papers. "Research." Apparently this is not the answer she was looking for? I'm not sure why she's looking at me like that though. I try again anyway. "Is Dawn okay?"

"She's… Dawn. But the EMTs cleared her."

"Buffy..? You said it was an emergency?"

"Oh…" Buffy gives me another funny look before turning back to Giles. "Right… no, I guess it isn't." She does it again. What the heck? More secrets, Buff? "Faith had this… collection of dead spiders."

"Dead... spiders?"

"Mmm...hmmm… demonic ones. Lots of them. And… they don't count as demons do they? Like individually? Cause if they do then I lost this bet we made."

Giles rubs forehead like he feels a headache coming on. "You nearly knocked my door off its hinges to ask me whether demonic spiders count as demons for a bet?"

Buffy nods cheerfully. "Yes? But it can totally wait until... Tomorrow! I'll come back tomorrow. We can talk about it then. Bye!"

I look from Giles to Wesley as Buffy practically runs out of the apartment, door slamming behind her. "O...kay… that was… strange? But you guys got that she was lying, right?"

"Yes, Xander, I did notice that." Giles pauses, frowning at me slightly. "I know we planned to continue working on this tomorrow, but given how distressing she seemed to find your presence perhaps it might be best if you were elsewhere when she comes by."

"Yeah… I think you might be right." And doesn't _that_ sting? "I was planning to crash this meeting Jack's holding for the new hires anyway."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"I'll be fine." I roll my eyes. "Apparently I'm Batman."


	85. Interlude 16C - Disable Plot Device

A/N - _This_ is the chapter was planning to upload earlier today before I realized I'd never put up the previous one.

 **Interlude 16C - Disable Plot Device**

***POV Faith***

 **-Winters Residence : Saturday Morning-**

GONG!

Rollin over, I glare at the stupid clock again.

9:55 AM.

Seriously? What the shit.

That's the third time in as many minutes. It's Saturday, people! Doesn't anyone have cartoons to watch or somethin'?

Stupid magic doorbells.

And stupid brothers getting high on magic and keepin' me up past fuckin' dawn.

Fuck it.

I'm awake.

I'm hungry.

2 hours of sleep or not, I'm gettin' up.

Any minute now…

Meh.

A few more hours can't-

GONG!

God Damn It, Ames! Why did I let you key me into the stupid wards again?

Fightin' my way free from the blankets and rollin' outta bed, I yawn as my brain deals with suddenly havin' 'Wesley walked thru the door' magically shoved into it.

Wait, who the fuck is Wesley?

Oh.

Right.

That new guy... Giles Jr. Gag me with a spork.

"...have an appointment?" I can hear Jack talkin' as I push open my door. He sounds… I _think_ that's his 'pretending to be confused' voice? Maybe? Ames is better at telling them apart. Or it might be a half and half sorta thing.

"Not precisely. I was, however, given to understand that there would be some manner of meeting going on this morning?"

"Oh…" My brother's voice trails off. Leanin' over the railing I can see him downstairs, scratching at the back of his head. Aww, shit. Looks like that stupid blue tazer glove is still MIA. Hopefully sober-Jack knows what he did to it or Ames'll be in a mood all week. "The Sheriff's Office new hire orientation?"

"Right. I'm here in my official capacity as an observer."

"Ahh… My apologies then. I didn't realize Local Law Enforcement was in the Council's wheelhouse so to speak or I would have sent you a proper invitation."

"Indeed. I must say, the council has been rather surprised by how amenable you've been to my inclusion. I trust your recent… difficulties with Mr. Giles won't impede our continued cooperation?"

Jack laughs, clappin' Wesley on the shoulder. "It'd be a bit counterproductive for me to start holding things people haven't done yet against them, wouldn't it?" He's still laughin' when he tilts his head to the side and then turns around, the two of them looking up at me as I start down the stairs.

"Ah, good morning, Miss Dormer," Wesley smiles.

I wave, yawnin' again, as I hit the bottom of the stairs and start headin' towards the kitchen, only stoppin' when I notice Jack is still starin' at me with a weird look on his face. He's been doin' shit like that a lot lately. Actin' all wierd and stuff around me. Well, okay, weirder than usual. "I got somethin' on my face?"

"No… but..." he tilts his head to side and scratches his chin, "I don't think I've ever seen you take the stairs one at a time before. Is everything alright?"

Huh.

I glance back at the stairs. I guess he's got a point.

"Just tired." I shrug. "Somebody kept us all up til fuck off o'clock last night."

Jack's head tilts back as he starts laughin' at me. "Yeah. That was a trip, wasn't it? You know, I still haven't figured out where that third-"

" **No!** " I point a finger at my brother's stupid happy lookin' face.

"-sock… no? No what?"

"No. Yer bein' all cheerful an' shit and I'm too tired to deal, so stop it." Stiflin' _another_ yawn, I turn around and head towards the kitchen door.

Jack grabs my arm before I get two steps, spinnin' me around and tugging me towards the library. "Amy has the coffee maker-" He grins as I make a face; coffee is so gross. "-and your orange juice with her in the library.

"But-"

"Harmony said she'd be here with the assorted baked goods shortly. Hmmm…" He makes his thinkin' face he before turning back to Wesley and throwin' an arm around him as we go past, draggin' him along with us too. "Now that I think about it, I can probably let Harmony know she's off the hook for taking the minutes if you're here doing it all officially anyway."

Walkin'- or bein dragged anyway- into the library, it looks like Jack's pulled the tables into a sorta U shape. Ames is sittin on her own at the last of the tables with her head resting on one arm while the other hugs a coffee pot protectively. She's got one of those silly crazy straw things stuck directly into the pot, but her eyes are closed and there's no coffee fillin' the straw. Kinda looks like she fell asleep mid sip.

Those guys Jack had help with our halloween costumes are parked at another table, nudgin' each other and looking way too excited about somethin'. What were their names again?

Meh. Whoever they are, X-man and… some guy I don't recognize... are at the table next to them. Huh, didn't expect him to be here but… I glance at Jack… he seems fine with it so I guess I shouldn't start anything either.

Okay, so _maybe_ I make a face at Xander while walkin' toward Ames. It's a free country, right?

"Ames?"

"Hmmm…" Ames eyes blink halfway open a few times and I can see coffee start moving it's way through the loopy things in her straw again, but then she sighs and the coffee stops.

"Ames?" I put a hand on her shoulder, shaking it slightly.

"42!" Her head shoots up, blinkin' rapidly as she looks around the room. "Oh... This isn't math class."

"...No... I think this is gonna be Magic 101."

"...right…" She nods sleepily, "of course it is."

Rollin my eyes, I grab the seat next to her. "And you're-" I get a closer look at her precious coffee pot. "...Did you pour the creameh directly into the pot?"

"Mmmm…" She nods her head, not even bothering to stop drinking.

Her eyes snap open fully, glaring at me, as I start giggling. She swallows, opening her mouth-

GONG!

Whatever she was going to say stalls out as the wards tell us Harms just walked into the house. And apparently Wesley and Jack started arguin' while I was distracted by Amy using the whole pot as a mug.

"... council would approve of involving... _civilians_."

"Fuck's sake, Wesley. They're contractors, not civilians. And even if any of them actually were baseline humans, I'm still not putting them anywhere near the line of fire."

"They- What?" Wesley gives everyone an odd, wide eyed look.

My brother drags his hand down his face before staring upwards at the ceiling and groaning. "They're strictly on research and development. No combat. "

"That's not… they aren't humans?"

"They're human. They're just... well… "Jack waves his arm at us, shruggin. "The closest thing here to a stock model vanilla mortal is Harmony, and even that's up for debate given her recent penchant for prognostication."

I snort as the rest of the room starts looking around at each other in confusion. Beside me Ames' lifts her head off the table to glare at Jack. "Harmony. Is not. A. Seer!"

The library door swings open and Harmony practically skips in. "I brought bag...els… why is everyone staring at me? Oh no, did I spill something?" She starts checkin over her outfit frantically.

I can hear Ames start to groan even before Jack and I respond in unison. _"Nothing dear, you're very pretty."_

There's a brief pause, as Harmony ignores us to continue inspectin' her outfit, before my brother adds: "...and your clothes look as spotless as ever?"

"Aww…" Harmony beams at us, "thanks, guys," before whirling back into motion distributing bagels, muffins, and some sort of cheese danish- which I steal before anyone can stop me- to the various tables.

"Hey," X-man raises his hand, waving it back and forth, "can we go back to that part where you said we aren't human?"

Jack drags a hand down his face. "I just told you people that's not what I meant. I only meant... everyone here is… well…" He looks back and forth around the room for a moment before snapping his fingers and pointing. "Wesley, you yourself have a touch of raw magical talent. Maybe not a lot, but if you never read the report then I'm sure Batso can fill you in on Mister Rayne's solid, in my opinion, demonstration of how you can accomplish a quite a good deal of mischief with even just a little power and a lot of planning. Right, Bats?"

X-man starts noddin', but Jack's already moved on. "Now… Misters O'toole, Wells, and Levinson have magical talents in roughly the same weight class. Those talents are admittedly even more untrained than yours, but that's what brings us to the here and now. Amy and I have gotten pretty good at reducing things to basic principles in the course of teaching Harmony some of the simpler magics."

"It's fun." Harmony nods distractedly, walking back towards the middle of the room havin' dropped off the last of the bagels with Xander. "Memory spells are tricky business though."

" _Technically_ … we think that was the memory _potion_ , not- No one cares. Okay, moving on… Harmony, it turns out that Wesley is up for taking the official minutes so you can give the meeting a miss and go help Cordelia with... whatever it was she needed you for…" Harms and my brother stand there makin faces at each other for half a second, "...now if you like."

"Okay!" Harmony dumps the now empty to go box into the trash and waves at us. "Thanks, Jack. Thanks, Wes- Oh no!"

Everyone just sort of pauses and stares as Harms freezes in place, a wicked horrified look on her face.

"Is something wrong?" Wesley finally asks, after a few seconds of people looking around at each other in confusion and then noticin' that she's starin' right at him.

"You're not planning on…" Harms pauses, swallowin' and takin' a deep breath before continuin', "...wearing _that_... this afternoon are you?"

"Well… I-"

"No." Harmony shakes her head.

Wesley blinks, mouth openin' and closin' twice without making any sound. I check to see if Amy used that spell on him, but it looks like she's fallen asleep again.

"We. Are. Going. Shopping." Looking back up at the sound of Harmony's battlecry, I see her march up to Wesley and put her hands on his chest before tryin to push him towards the door. She even makes it a few feet before Wesley catches hold of one of the tables and uses it to brace himself.

"Miss Kendall, I really-"

"No." Harms shakes her head vigorously, and really leans into it. Personally, I think she'd have gotten him to move if she weren't doin' all this in heels.

"But-"

"No." She shakes her head. "Today is important. There will be no tweed at today's date! We are getting you a new jacket."  
Jack's got one hand out, a finger raised like he wants to say somethin' but can't decide what. Probably somethin' about Harms spendin' his money. I snort, tryin' not to laugh, and my brother looks over at me. He's got his 'is this really fuckin' happenin' face on, but his eyes aren't yellowin' slightly like they usually do if he's actually angry or annoyed so it can't be that bad. Eventually he just shrugs and shakes his head. I can hear him start to quietly mutter something about 'thirteen gallons of milk' but- Okay, no, that makes no sense, not that my brother is big on that anyway.

"Harrumph!" Glancing back over at Harms, it looks like she's given up on trying to shove Wesley towards the door and now has her hands on her hips as she glares at him. "Fine. Be that way. I'll just have to use Amy's laundry spell."

Ummm…

Did I miss somethin? I didn't think Harms could cast that one. Shit, even Jack can't quite get clothes to attack people like Ames does. When did Harms-

" _Faaaaiiiiith!_ " Hands still on her hips and her head tilted back, Harmony bellows at the top of her lungs.

Oh. That laundry 'spell.'

I sigh, standin' up. "Yeah, yeah, I'm on it."

Wesley's eyes widen as I walk towards him, rollin' my shoulders crackin' my neck. "Excuse me, I- what?"

He starts babblin' about bein' my watcher and orderin' me to put him down but I just ignore him like I ignore all of Jack's protests on laundry day, scoopin' him up off his feet and throwin' him over my shoulder. "Where to?" Behind me I can hear my brother laugh and then start trying to call the meetin' back to order.

"Hmmm… we don't have time to go to L.A. so I guess the Armani Exchange at the mall will have to do."

"I ain't carryin' him all the way to the Mall."

"That's fine, just put him in the car." I roll my eyes, but start towards the front door in the livin room.

"Ladies, I really must protest."

"Yeah, well, methinks the lady doth protest too much."

"...What?" Harms and Wesley both ask as we reach the front door, Harmony steppin' out ahead of us to open it.

"Oh come on, like _I'm_ the one bein all weird today." I sigh. "I don't know. It came up in one of the things they made us read in English class last week and it's all I've got for witty soundin' responses involvin' the word 'protest.'"

"Oh," Harms nods at me, pulling the door open. "Okay. Should we put him in the trunk, or do you think you can keep him from jumping out of the car if the two of you are in the back seat?"

"Woah woah woah. Hold up. Since when am I coming shoppin' with you?" I can hear Wesley sigh in relief.

"Of course you are."

"But I-"

"You'll be fine." Harmony waves a hand at me. "I already texted Dawn. She's going to meet us at the mall in like 20 minutes which is plenty of time for you to drop Wesley off with Susie and I. The two of you can get ice cream or whatever while I fix the… tweed situation."

"Oh…" I shrug. "Uh... Okay then?"

 **-Sunnydale Mall-**

Passing Wesley over to Susie, who is apparently one of the salesgirls- And damn does it ever weird me out that Harmony knew who'd be workin here today off the top of her head.- I wash my hands of this whole shoppin trip busine-

Slayer reflexes givin me an extra half second warnin, I shift my feet and crouch slightly to take the hit as I'm flying tackled from behind. Braced, I barely even sway forward as someone leaps onto my back and a pair of small hands cover my eyes.

Dawn's voice shouts "GUESS WHO!?" in my ear.

"Well, shi-"

" ** _Dawn!_** " Momma Summers half yells, half groans, behind us cutting off my attempt at playing dumb. "Behave yourself."

" _-itake mushrooms_ , Momma S. When did you two-" Turning around to face them and grabbing Dawnsteh's legs and shifting her up a bit so she's easier to carry, I spot B standing just behind their mom. Looks like she's still wiggin out about JT. She's got that really tight smile she gets when she's stressin out fixed firmly on her face as she tugs on her mom's arm. "- _three_ get get here?"

"Just now." Dawn chirps, resting her chin on my head.

"Are you absolutely sure you want to add more sugar to that?" Momma Summers sighs, smiling at the two of us while Dawn continues gettin herself situated.

Blinkin, I tilt my head back to look up at Dawn. "Did she just..?"

Dawn peers back at me, her face lookin as stunned as I feel as she starts to nod slowly. "I think she did!"

" _Blasphemy!_ " We both cry at the top of our lungs.

"You have angered the ice cream gods!" Dawn points accusingly at B and Momma S.

"A sacrifice must be made." I mostly manage to keep a serious face on while pretending to glare at them.

"One with a cherry on top!" Dawn announces.

"…Really?" I tilt my head back and stare up at her again.

"What? I want a hot fudge sundae."

"Ooh, that does sounds good."

"There." B rolls her eyes at us. "See, Mom? Dawn made it safe and… safe. She was never really sound. We clearly didn't need to walk her into the mall, so can we go now? You said you'd take me to Gile-."

"Well, _excuse me_ ," Momma Summers slips into what Dawn appropriately calls her 'mom voice,' "for being concerned when I heard Dawnie say that one of these 'Watcher' people was going on a date with your classmate. How a man that age-"

"Moooommmm…" Dawn and B both chorus, as I just laugh.

"What?"

I point at Wesley and try to explain, but can't stop laughin. Dawn's got my back though, "Yuck. Like, ohmygawd, no. Just… no. Wesley isn't old like Giles. He's the guy over there being forced to try on suit jackets by Harmony."

"Doesn't he own a suit?"

"He does. They're actually all I've ever seen him wear, but he showed up at the house today in a tweed one and-"

"Oh. I understand now. I've spoken with Miss Kendall before. She has _opinions_ about tweed."

"Exactly." I nod, smiling back at Momma S. B and Dawnsteh don't know how good they've got it, havin a mom that actually gives a shit. They've never needed to call their mom's dealer just to find out where she-

No. Not going down that road today. It's a good day. It's gonna fuckin stay a good day goddamnit! "So..." I force a smile onto my face. "Ice cream?"

"Ice cream!" Dawn points down the hall, rocking her hips back and forth like she's riding one of those spring horse things at the playground.

I'd object or somethin about bein used as pack mule but… that grumpy look on B's face whenever she looks at us is just too cute as she and Momma S are forced to walk next to us on their way back to the parkin lot. Me switching to a bouncy canter and making clickity-clock noises… yup! It makes her do it even harder. She looks like Giles and Jack do whenever they have to talk to each other.

"So..." Dawn shifts her weight on my back as she pushes herself up and tilts forward so she can peer down at my face for a moment. She waggles her eyebrows at me when I glance up at her. "What are we doing after ice cream?"

"Uhh…" Apparently we're up to _something..._ "Harms kinda already conned me into agreein to help her spy on Cordelia's date today. You know, makin sure everythin goes all smooth like and stuff." Dawn's smile grows wider. "You want in?"

" _Duh_."

"Cool." I shrug, glancing back at B and Momma S. "What are you guys up to after this?"

B doesn't answer, but Momma S picks up the slack. "I was going to catch up on some paperwork at the office-"

" ** _BORING!_** " Dawn suddenly leans far enough toward her that she starts to slip before I shift my grip on her legs. "You should come join us on our adventure instead. Spying on Cordy sounds like much more fun. Right, Faith?"

She sounds way too cheerful. I still have no idea what Dawn's up to, but fuck it, this could be amusing. I'll play along. "I don't know Dawnstah, I hear that paperwork stuff can be pretty rivettin. Jack swears by it for stress relief." I pretend to think for a second. "Or was that swears at it?" I shrug as best I can without droppin my passenger.

Momma S smiles at our antics even as she shakes her head. "I doubt Cordelia would appreciate having us interfering in her love life, and I have to get Buffy to Mr. Giles' apartment."

"Pffft… No." Dawn shakes her head hard enough that I can feel it. "Buffy's coming with us too."

"What?" B's head whips around. "No I'm not. I have-"

" _Are too!_ "

"Am **not!** "

"Girls." Momma S practically hisses. "Inside voices."

"Come on," Dawn sighs. I can feel her slumpin against me. "It'd be like... family bonding time. We _never_ do stuff together any more." I can hear the pout starting in her voice.

"Don't be so dramatic. We do stuff all the time."

"Really? When was the last time we all did something. Together?"

"Ha!" Buffy points her finger in Dawn's face. "Thanksgiving Dinner. That was only two days ago." I glance over at Momma S and shrug as she covers her face with one hand and sighs, muttering something about goin wrong.

"Slayer stuff does not count!" Dawn lets go of me to out her hands on her hips and I have to slow to a normal walk when she starts to wobble.

"Thanksgiving Dinner isn't Slayer stuff." B's got a point there-

"Tell that to the-" Dawn voice drops to a low hiss. " _-orc-demons that tried to kill me._ "

"That was not my fault!"

"Oh, _I know_." Dawn agrees way too readily. Shit, even I know that's a trap.

B does too judgin by the way she groans before she asks, "then why are you being such a pill?"

"Because!" I think Dawn just tried to stomp her foot. Did she forget I was carrying her? "I thought we agreed we were mad at Giles."

B sighs "We are. But-" B stares at us, lookin conflicted as we reach the Baskin Robbins in the food court and I start to slow down.

"Come on..." Dawn huffs out. "You should at least stay for ice cream?"

B looks at Momma S. Momma S smiles…

"Fine..." B sighs. "But _just_ ice cream."

 **-Los Angeles Suburbs : Two Hours and Change Later-**

"Harmony," Momma S sounds confused, "isn't-"

"Aha!" Dawn interrupts, pointing out the window. " _Qwik_ Mart! Q!"

" _Finally!_ " I hold up a hand to high five her. "Now we need an R."

" _Rhode_ Island. R." B points behind us. "They've been behind us for 10 minutes, taunting me with their stupid license plate. S. Lake _Street_. Now we need a T..."

I can hear Momma S sigh as she tries again. "Isn't Le Petit Trois supposed to be one of the uh… nicer… restaurants in the area?"

"...Yes? That's why I..."

" _Truck_ Route!"

"...Wesley to take her there."

"Won't they be upset if you camp out and try to spy on the guests there?"

"No? Why would- Oh look, that place takes _Visa_! V! I got one!" Harmony does a little victory wiggle in her seat before turnin' back to Momma S. Quickly glancin' back and forth from B to Dawn, we all silently agree not to tell her we were on U. "As long as everyone-" She turns around in her seat to stare at me and B. "-behaves themselves." I stick my tongue out at her, but she just smiles and turns back to Momma S. "Why would they care what we do while we eat?"

"Eat? Harmony, they probably have a dress code."

Harms looks completely lost. "Well yeah, of course they do."

B groans. "I think my mother was trying to subtly point out that my sparring clothes, which, for the record, I picked out to spar at Giles' before being kidnapped via guilt trip, aren't going to cut it." B turns and frowns at me. "Yours either probably."

I glance down at my black tee and jeans and then shrug. "True, but Harms keeps extra clothes in her trunk for shi-stuff like this."

"Okay. One, this isn't Harmony's car. Two, if it was that wouldn't help me."

"Ames' stuff might be a bit long on you but it'll fit."

"As. _If!_ " Harmony twists around in her seat to stare back at us. "You brought everything, right?"

"Yup! I mean, how could I possibly forget?" Dawn laughs. "You only texted me like five times to make sure I remembered to pack them."

"Hey! It was only three times."

"Woah. Only three times? Dawn, you have to teach Ames and I whatever magic you used to calm her down. You should have seen her on picture day."

"Hey! Those pictures came out great and you know it! **Ah!** _No!_ " Harmony swivels back around and points frantically to the left. "You have to pull into that parking lot over there." Harmony points at a large brick building up ahead.

Momma S sighs, but puts on her blinker on and shifts over into the turn lane. "Why am I not surprised? I assume there's a reason we're pulling into a Hotel, again, instead of the restaurant across the street?"

"Having everyone change clothes in a restaurant bathroom would be tacky."

I lean over to Dawn and stage whisper loudly into her ear. "Harms hates tacky."

"Damn straight!" Harms nods vigorously as she opens her door and gets out. "Oh..." Harms spins around, eyes wide and hands coverin' her mouth. " _Pancakes!_ " She stomps her foot, hands ballin' up into fists. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Summers. Jack said we shouldn't swear in front of you."

B nudges me with her elbow. "Did she just use 'pancakes' as a curse?"

"Yup."

"O… _kay_ … So why couldn't we have all just gotten changed before we drove out here? Like say... when we picked Harmony up at Cordelia's after eating our ice cream."

"Uh…" I shrug. "No idea."

Dawn pauses openin' her own door and turns back to look at us, stickin' out her tongue. "Because you might have tried to run away if we'd done that. Now we're hours from home and you're stuck with us. Muaha _haha_ ** _haha._** "

"You know," I feel the need to point out, "that goofy grin of yours really doesn't help sell the evil cackle."

"I can live with that." Dawn nods happily as she climbs out of the car.

Undoin' my seatbelt I turn around and find B hasn't moved.

Harmony pulls the trunk open behind us, waving cheerfully before she starts handin' Dawn a small stack of clothes from a suitcase.

"Yo." I nudge her. "Time to motorvate."

B sighs, unbucklin' her seatbelt, and frowns at me slightly. "I feel like I'm being set up."

"Really, B? _Ya think?_ What was your first clue?"

B snorts, her nose crinklin' up just a little bit. "Why did I agree to this again?"

"Dawnsteh used guilt! It was supah effective."

B stares at me like I sprouted a second head. "...Huh?"

"Uh… nevermind?"

"Right... I'm going to go kill my sister."

"You'll try!" Dawn calls from the back. "Faith'll save me."

I raise an eyebrow at B. "Do you think she'd bug you _less_ if she had spooky ghost powahs?"

"Oh god." B just stares at me for a second, shudderin'.

"Hey!" Dawn sounds scandalized. "Not cool!"

 _ **"Okay!"**_ Harmony claps her hands loudly. "Mrs. Summers is checking us in at the hotel. If you two are done hanging out in the backseat of the car, you can get changed and head across the street to the restaurant and then we'll all meet back here at 7. Your reservation is under-"

"Wait, what? You ain't comin'?"

"Of course we are. _Separately_. Cordelia would spot us all in an instant if we went in as one big group. _Duh._ "

 **-Winters Residence - Kitchen: Monday Morning-**

Harmony yawns as she stands up. "Amy, do you want another coffee?"

Smiling as Ames just sort of mumbles in response, I take her empty glass to hand to Harmony. "I think she's gonna need her second cup of coffee before she can make the hard choices like that."

"This," she shakes the empty glass, "was her third."

"Oh." I shrug. "She has been kind of out of it lately."

Harms shrugs back. "Yeah. I'm starting to feel a little out of it too. Maybe we caught the flu?"

"Sore throat?"

"Wait, you too? Shouldn't the whole slay-gal thing have stopped that?"

"I guess not. I've been a little off for maybe a bit over a week. More annoyin' than serious. I mostly just ignored it."

Harms shrugs. "I felt fine on Saturday, woke up yesterday with a slight sore throat and now... "

Harms starts to yawn again as Jack walks in with his phone to ear and flops down into his chair, nodding along and writin' down whatever the- wait. I thought Jack couldn't do phones?

I nudge Ames with my arm and point to him. She looks up from her coffee and stares at me blearily.

It takes her a few seconds to notice my finger pointin' at Jack and then follow it, by which point Jack's hung up and put his phone down on the table.

He looks up and sees me pointin' at him tho and raises an eyebrow. "Did you know we had voicemail?"

We do?

What's voicemail?

I can hear Harms gigglin' over at the coffee pot. "Jack, don't be silly. Of course we have voicemail."

I nod, pointin' at Harms. "What she said."

"Oh... Well... I didn't even realize it was a thing that existed for cell phones yet. I feel kind of silly for having Amy pull double duty as a messaging system now."

 _Murglehumph!_ Ames adds sleepily before yawning.

"Right… That exactly." Jack nods. "Anyway, that was the hospital blood lab with the results of your tests. Sadly, nobody had any awkward STDs from the 1800s-"

"Sadly?"

Jack shrugs. "What? Imagine how much fun I could have had teasing Buffy if..." He trails off as I glare him. "Oh fine. Be a wet blanket then. I was really just hoping to find some manner of conclusive evidence for my new pet theory. Now I'll have to run more tests."

"Boo fuckin hoo. You love running tests."

"...True." He smiles, tilting his head to the side and starin' at me. "Anyway. I may have accidentally oversold the importance of finding something to the lab techs when I dropped off the blood. They took it as a sort of personal challenge and kept going."

"So?" Harms asks, sitting back down and sliding a cup of coffee towards Ames.

"So… apparently congratulations are in order."

"Okay?" I pause, noticing the smirk on my brother's face. "Oi. Out with it. I ain't preggers so why are you staring at me with that stupid grin on your face when you say that?"

"Well… you and Buffy go to homecoming together. Then you're spotted having what I'm told looked like a lovely candlelit dinner together at that french place in LA Harmony loves so much."

"Yeah." I stab a bit of egg with my fork a bit too hard, bending the… stabby bits..? "Lovely..." I groan, slowly slumpin against the table. B nearly bust a gut gigglin' when the waitress came over to the light the candles and we figured out what Harms and Dawnsteh were up to. She didn't bolt tho, which I 'spose is a good sign? Meh. She didn't spaz out too much when Scott was talkin' shit about us after homecomin'. Course, she whined about wantin' to punch _him_ in the face while sparrin' that week…

None of this stops Jack from continuin' his fun. I spose I could let B punch him in the face. That would prolly cheer her up. "And now you both catch the same weird strain of epstein barr together? You have to admit, the picture practically paints itself."

"Epstein what now?"

"Epstein barr." My brother shrugs. "No idea. It wasn't one of the things I asked them to check for and the lab tech's message didn't really go into detail."

Harms frowns at us. "Isn't that the kissing flu thing?"

"What? You mean Mono?" Jack leans back, laughing, as Harmony nods. "Seriously? That just makes it even better." He tilts his head pointedly towards Ames who is mid-yawn. "Congratulations Faith. You and Buffy caught the kissing flu together. Then you even gave it to Amy and Harmony here too somehow, though unless I missed a shit ton of major developments…" I roll my eyes and glare as my brother pauses to give us all a hopeful look. "Right. I have to admit I'd be rather miffed if that had been it considering you all managed to give it to Willow too. I'm guessing it's just your penchant for sharing cups and- Oh… buggerfuck."

"What?"

"Half the damned contractors drank some of that second pot of coffee Amy brewed at orientation."


	86. Part 55 - Family Bonding

**Part 55 : Family Bonding**

 **\- Obnoxiously Oversized Mausoleum, Somewhere Under Graveyard Number Umpteen : Tuesday Night -**

Taking a step backwards, I hold out my hand. _"_ _Tar Frim!"_

The lightning bolt shooting out of my hand is anemic, and the demon charging at me stumbles a bit rather than dropping, stunned.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

Despite my best efforts to reverse the process, my tazer is still doing its fancy snake motif bracer impersonation.

It doesn't help that I can't remember what the fuck I did to it while high on _memory augmenting_ potions. How's that for irony? Amy seems to be taking the whole thing personally too for some reason though I still maintain- The large demon I was trying to stun takes a wild swing at my face.

Even with its coordination shot from being shocked, I only just barely manage to lean back in time. The blow that would have broken my jaw instead 'only' gouges out long furrows in my skin. Stings like a bitch, but I guess I'll call that a win seeing as my ring's already started knitting my face back together by the time I grab the demon's wrist and use its arm as a lever to drive the demon into the wall face first.

Now where was I? Oh, right!

"Sagh-" I swallow the blood pooled in my mouth. "So... Why come to me?" A little more pressure on the demon's elbow and I hear that incredibly satisfying crack of snapping bones. "Not that this isn't fun or anything."

Stepping in before the demon can recover, I drive my boot knife, handle and all, through what I'm assuming is supposed to be its ear and straight through its skull. The pained howl cuts out and the thrice-damned thing _finally_ stops moving so I guess they do keep _something_ important there even if they don't seem to use it all that much.

Stepping back, I glance over at Warden Liam, who's got the final remaining demon in a headlock. Toggling off the orbs and looking around at the mass of demonic bodies surrounding us, "it's just-" I spot the demon my sword got stuck in and start towards it. "-unexpected?" Damned convenient though, I suppose, since I've been meaning to ask him for a favor of sorts.

"I-" There's another wet snapping sound beside me as Warden Liam wrenches the demon he's been grappling with's head around until it's facing backwards. He looks over at me, dropping the demon. "I broke Buffy's nose."

"Oh… ummm… " I shrug. " _...hooray for you?_ " Holding the demon down with my boot, I wrench my sword free. I think I'm going to need to clean it before it'll fold back down again. Note to self: Next time my near-suicidal great grandfather wants me to help him with something, maybe leave the earring at home. Getting snuck up on is embarrassing.

The Warden glowers at me but doesn't respond, so I start looking around for my pistol.

On that note, maybe bring more ammo too. This would all have gone much smoother if I'd been able to continue shooting them in the head as they swarmed up out of the hallway at the end there. Hmmm… I definitely had it when I leapt over that sarcophagus, so it has to be somewhere between here and there.

I don't see it.

"Hey… I don't suppose you saw where my pistol went?"

Glancing up when I don't get any response, I find Warden Liam exactly where I left him.

 _Still_ glowering at me in silence.

After a long moment, in which he doesn't stop or respond, I sigh and roll my eyes, only just barely resisting the urge to gag theatrically. "Fuck's sake. _Fine_." And my night was going so well too. "We can talk about you and Buffy." I hold up my hands innocently. "Scouts honor. But first: Seriously. Did you see where my pistol went? I know I dropped it somewhere over…"

Hmmm...

"I think the green one ate it."

Ungh. " _Joygasm_ ," I sigh, slouching forward. "Well... that's gone forever. Gods Damn It. I _liked_ that pistol too. Fond memories and whatnot." Ah well. On the bright side, if I have to lose a police issue pistol, I suppose feeding it to an acid demon is a decent way of vanishing the evidence. Still sucks, but at least I can replace it more easily now that I'm a L.E.O.

"Alright." Figuring that if Warden Liam wants to talk about Buffy I ought to at least get to sit down, I vault up onto one of the sarcophagi and start wiping the demon gunk off my sword. "I'd congratulate you on discovering the joys of breaking Buffy's nose, but seeing as you're... well…" I offer him as close to an apologetic half shrug as I can manage while not actually being sorry as I continue to work. "You... I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess we're _not_ celebrating?"

More glowering from his royal broodiness.

Heh. I suddenly have this vague recollection of Spike doing the whole sitting on not-chairs a lot during chats like this, coming up with a revolving list of mildly insulting nicknames for… hmmm… not sure if it that was Warden Liam or the Prisoner he was talking to. Probably both at various points in history. Either way, I think he may have been onto something; it does seem to help keep my spirits up.

Speaking of my brother..."You two aren't fighting over what Mother said about her and William are you?"

"No." Captain Forehead's whole face sort of spasms like he almost went into game face and then aborted. I guess I shouldn't press that button too hard. "We were sparring."

"Ah... Buffy's gone off her game too then?"

Warden Liam nods, leaning back against one of the sarcophagi. "She says she's fine but-"

"Of course she does. She's Buffy." I sigh, half shrugging. "Faith's the same, come to think of it. Thinks she can out stubborn a disease. You know, I had to bribe Dawn to run interference for me or i'm sure she'd have insisted on joining us tonight. As the wise man once said, _'_ _never underestimate the power of a cookie'_ or, in this case, pints of cookie dough ice cream." Frowning as a thought occurs to me, I raise an eyebrow at Broody McEmopants. "How'd you get Buffy to stay home?"

"Didn't tell her."

"Hmmm… Guess that'd be one perk of not living together."

Living with Buffy. Now _that's_ nightmare fuel. I've never been so glad for not needing to sleep.

Even as I'm suppressing the shudder the thought gives me, it occurs to me that I'm essentially sitting here, polishing my sword, while my great grandfather stares at me. Oh! And I was technically thinking about his ex-girlfriend at the time.

Sudden awkward silence is awkward. Brood mode being engaged in full force isn't helping. Neither is my 'family-radar' continuing to constantly spaz out as it tries to decide what to make of him. It seems to have trouble reconciling the notion that 'grandsire' and 'grandchilde' might apply to the same person. Not that he'd have any way of knowing, but Liam ought be grateful my tattoos are tingling, or he'd have to endure the same… mentally itchy sensation. Fortunately it seems to be getting better. Maybe I'm still metabolizing Heinrich?

Is metabolizing still the right word when my stomach and isn't technically involved any more? I know _digesting_ is wrong but-

So not important right now.

"O...kay then!" Sword as clean as it's going to get, I start to fold it back up. Sadly, despite having apparently found a way to retract the gauntlet while I was high as a kite, the _'_ _glove'_ of Myhnegon somehow found a way to be _even more_ in the way of my arm holster in it's new decorative bracer format. Having to store my sword on my offhand is awkward, and I'm choosing to blame being disarmed earlier on that. "Well, as long as we're sitting here having awkward conversations, and speaking of things it's probably best never to tell Buffy about, I've been giving some thought lately to the whole… I guess you could call it the vampiric condition? Any chance you feel like helping me with an experiment?"

 **\- Sunnydale Cemeteries : Wednesday Night - An Hour After Sunset -**

Project Banana! - Preliminary Notes Take 2 - Wednesday, December 2nd

 _Ignore the previous page of notes. Apparently I was over thinking it.  
Having discussed my plan with Warden Liam, recruiting minions is a lot more straightforward than I was expecting.  
Apparently fledges are an impressionable lot and and usually quite happy to follow orders from stronger vampires. Warden Liam says it's an instinctive sort of thing, sort of like baby ducklings following their mother around, rather than any kind of conscious decision. It eventually wears off after a few years by which point the average vampire can think for itself._

It explains a few things about my behavior, as well as that of my impromptu fellows, in "Suck-Land." What I originally assumed was some sort of last gasp failsafe of Mother's causing me to latch onto 'Angelus' is apparently just how younger vampires tend to behave around their elders when the age gap is that big. Mother's efforts just made the effect worse rather than creating it from whole cloth. I'm not really sure if that makes me feel better or worse about how readily I fell in line behind Alter-Liam, but I'm definitely grateful that Mother found some way to actively suppress it in me from birth.

Wait a minute...

Lowering my notebook a bit, I peer over it at The Warden as a worrisome suspicion takes root in my brain.

I've been spending an unusual amount of my free time with him since accidentally breaking free of Mother's meddling. It seemed perfectly reasonable at the time to reach out to him, but… hmmm…

How would I know if idiotic fledgeling instincts were mucking with my thinking?

Hang on. What was that?

I listen closely for a moment, frowning at the ground as the sounds of struggle taper off into what sounds like muffled shouting.

Yeah... that just happened.

"...Sigh!" This is just… _embarrassing_. I glance over at Warden Liam. "He's stuck isn't he?"

Taking his halfhearted shrug as agreement, I tuck my pencil behind my ear and rub at my face in frustration.

Ungh. The whole point of this was to avoid having to dig. Why do I have to share a species with these idiots?

Ah well.

Notebook away for now, I grab my shovel and start undoing the local gravedigger's work. It only takes a few minutes to shift enough soil around for the newly minted fledge to get a hand free and start pulling itself out of its coffin.

I wait for it's head to clear the opening it punched into the top of the coffin lid, confirming that the face matches the picture from the obituaries, and offer him a hand up. "Evening!"

I wait a moment, giving the fledge formerly known as Edward Kellerman a chance to puzzle out what's going on, before pulling him free when he grabs on.

Ed jr. looks around with a puzzled expression as I set him down on the ground next to his tombstone. Finally, after glancing from the Warden to me and back again a few times he spins around in place one last time before staring at me. "Where's Sandy?"

"I have no idea who that is." Cracking open the top enough to let the scent of blood fill the air, I hold out the thermos. "Hungry?"

Ed's eyes light up, fixating on the thermos as he reaches out to take it. "Oh God, yes."

"Yeah..." I smile warmly. "Welcome to eternity. The hunger never really goes away, but you eventually learn how to think straight in spite of it."

With a whole liter of blood in him, it eventually occurs to Ed's fledge-brain that he ought to ask, "who are you guys anyway?"

"Jack Winters, County Sheriff." I clap The Warden on the shoulder and nod my head in his general direction. "Tall, dark, and silent here is my great-grandfather, Warden Liam." Ed glances at Liam and then looks back at me. "We've got a... choice of sorts for you."

 **\- Winters Residence - Jack's Office : Sunday Afternoon -**

Project Banana! - Week 1 Field Notes & Observations - Sunday, December 6th

 _'_ _Fledges are really impressionable' doesn't even begin to cover it.  
Given how readily the newborns have been falling in line, I briefly considered shortening my recruitment process to just yanking them out of the ground and shouting, 'cake or death!?' at them as loudly as I could. As amusing as that might have been, I decided it wasn't worth the risk of corrupting my data pool; the fledges seem to get confused far too easily already. If one of us doesn't actively take the lead in giving them the spiel then even just having Liam and I both nearby seems to give them conniptions as they try to sort out who's in charge.  
Now comes the hard part: Waiting for the fledges to start falling off the wagon and seeing if there's any discernible patterns._

Or, in the unlikely event that my idea about keeping them well fed and far too busy to get into trouble during their formative months pans out, waiting for them to finish mining out a metric fuckton of rock. Fortunately, Liam having prior fledge wrangler experience gives me an excuse to pawn off the task of actually _watching_ them do the digging onto him.

Liam's being... _suspiciously_ helpful. Sure, I guess it's _possible_ that he bought into my idea about rehabilitation. Personally, I thought I laid the personal comparisons on a little thick when I was pitching the idea, but it could have worked? Nothing I said was _wrong_ after all.

Or he's up to something.

Yeah. He's probably up to something. Keeping an eye on me for Buffy while she tries to think up a new way to try and kill me maybe? Buffy's been… ' _off_ ' lately. Even Dawn's noticed. She blames it on her being sick, and I suppose it could be that but I'm not convinced. Plotting in the shadows might not be her style but, despite what my sister says, I don't think it's 'paranoia' if it's _literally_ her job to try and kill me. I guess I'll have to keep an eye on her right back.

Tossing my pencil down onto the desk, I close my notebook and put it back on the pile. I should add a note in Project Threshold that digging has commenced and then I think that'll be everything that needed updating done.

Ungh. It feels like _everything_ is slowly grinding to a halt.

Even with all the hilarious rumors I overheard at school about how everyone all managed to catch it together- My favorite being the one involving the orgies. Yes, as in _plural_ orgies, because one _obviously_ wouldn't be enough- I've decided Mono is not nearly as funny as I expected it to be. Being immune to the disease itself does not, as it turns out, convey immunity to delays caused by other people's symptoms.

Project Recall is on hiatus, having lost its primary researcher what with Amy spending her every waking hour in school. Her remaining 15 hours a day are spent asleep and she's still perpetually exhausted. I'm honestly not sure how she isn't falling asleep in class. Or maybe she is, but just not in the classes we have together? Either way, I should probably look into that. As useful and amusing as her ongoing academic competition with Willow continues to be, I could see it driving her do something rash like using magic to shunt all of her energy into her school day. Actually… that might explain why she's being hit the hardest out everyone.

I'll have to ask her about it when we pry her her out of bed for dinner just in case.

I'm hungry. I think I'll have a lemonade and then start dinner. I'm pretty sure I still have enough potatoes, cheese, and sausage to make my, _ahem,_ "Cement." I have a hard time believing my sister's objections about my cooking when she happily eats third helpings of it.

 _ **"**_ _ **-eally!? Go Cordelia!"**_ My sister's shouting abruptly cuts into my grumping as I open the office door and break the circle/circuit Amy bound the sound dampening magics to.

"Yup!" Dawn manages around a fit of giggles. They're clearly in high spirits if Dawn's nearly been rendered incapable of speech. Oh. Wow. Even more telling is that Navi's on the screen and Faith isn't threatening her virtue. "On their first date too!"

"Ha! And she called _me_ a slut!"

 **Cordelia did wha-** _No!_ Faith doesn't sound upset.

Doubling numbers in my head again, I shove the rising tide of rage aside as unhelpful.

Waving as I pass by, I start double timing it towards the kitchen while doing my best to block out any further discussion on my sister's or Cordelia's theoretical sex lives. I'm not touching _that_ topic with a ten foot pole. No thank you! Neither are entirely theoretical to me and I really don't need any extra reminders of my... _adventures_... in Suck-Land…Wow. That... is an _unfortunate_ choice of names all things considered. I have enough issues with self control without reminiscing on how much fun- Oh, Gods Damn It! And now I'm thinking about it and-

New topic!

Uh…

Dawn!

Despite apparently revelling in the fact that she's 'immune' to mono because she already had it last year, Dawn seems to have decided a sick Buffy is too much to handle and has willfully over interpreted my request that she distract Faith. She's sprawled out in what's rapidly becoming 'her spot' on the couch since she showed up for babysitting duty last Tuesday. I _think_ she goes home to sleep, but I've been so busy that I've never actually been around to see her leave and I suppose it's possible Harmony is driving her to school. I know she's still going to school because we've been taking her home aft-

No. I'm being silly. Joyce would have said something at lunch on Friday if her youngest daughter had _actually_ moved in with me for almost a week.

I do find it somewhat impressive that the monks thought ahead enough to add memories of having already had the whole gamut of one off diseases to Dawn's backstory. Though I suppose it's possible with her whole 'artificial human' thing that she actually _can't_ get sick and they were just trying to paper over that little detail. I can't recall her ever being sick on show.

Then again, I don't remember anyone else getting sick either aside from the time Xander got cursed by that Native American spirit or the time Buffy having the flu was a plot point. 42 minutes plus commercials of watching people sleep off a cold wouldn't make for the most riveting TV show. It certainly didn't make for a riveting way to spend my weekend.

I make it halfway through the kitchen door before something clicks. "Hold on. Run that last part by me again."

Dawn and my sister pause, shooting each other confused looks. Then, in almost perfect sync, they both turn back to me and ask in stereo: "Jack could have totally fit on that door with Rose?" Yeah. That's not creepy at all. I think I'm going to add 'my sister and Dawn are spending too much time together' to my list of reasons why I hate mono.

"No. I mean-"

"HA!" The two of them suddenly de-sync as Dawn points at me while smirking at my now annoyed looking sister. The fuck could I have possibly said to- "SEE! Even he agrees with me!" Oh. I seem to have been assigned a side in something. "Never let go, my butt! Rose just let Jack die for no reason! "

 _...What in the what?_ Who let me die now?

"She did not!" She who? I don't know anyone named Rose, and certainly not anyone that could have stopped Mother from eating Father which I think is still technically the closest I've gotten to being 'let Jack die' in recent memory. "That door could'a flipped ovah n' sank if they were both on it!"

"O… kay..." I hold up my hands to stem the tide of Cthulu-level nonsense coming from the couch as they take to glaring at each other almost nose to nose. "Hold up! I missed something. What in the nine hells are you two talking about?"

Neither one feels the need to break eye contact with the other, so their joint response of, " _ **Titanic!**_ " is less stereo and more just plain deafening.

"How did you two go from Corde- Oh good gods do I not care." The mental vagaries of teen-aged girls checks multiple boxes on the 'things man is not meant to know' list. "No. Before that. You said Wesley's sick now too?"

"Oh." Faith blinks, finally looking back over to me with an amused grin on her face. "Yeah! Cordelia got 'im. He's practically a zombie like Ames. "

"But… that was only a week ago."

My sister's nose crinkles up as she glances over at an equally lost looking Dawn. "So?"

"So… Mono doesn't work like that."

"Like what?"

"It doesn't make someone sick over a weekend. It can take up to a month or more for symptoms to show up. For instance: I'm pretty sure everyone caught it at Caritas back at _Halloween_ or so, not anytime recently."

"Oh. So… Wesley just has like the flu or some shit?"

"Yes..? Why do you sound so sad about that."

Faith sighs, shrugging halfheartedly. "Well it's not as funny."

"Uh… okay. I guess that's true. If it makes you feel better, I suppose it's possi- Ah, buggerfuck!"

"What?"

"I was going to say it's possible that being on a Hellmouth _could_ have had an effect on things. Then I realized it was entirely too true and now I need to talk to Amy- No. Giles- We're still not speaking to Giles, are we?" I pause half a second and Dawn and Faith nod at me. "Right. Wesley then. Can one of you call him?"

The two of them glance at each other and then give me a joint unimpressed look.

"...Except Wesley being sick is what started this whole conversation. Buggerfuck. Okay. Maybe I can ask Anya? She was a witch back before germ theory was a thing. She might know a spell to cure diseases."

Or more likely she knows a spell to cause them that I can do in reverse.

It's funny. If Thomas hadn't asked about her at the staff meeting last weekend, I don't think I'd have given Anya Jenkins another thought until… maybe January? I'm pretty sure Buffy's birthday and the whole Cruciamentum thing came _before_ Doppelgangland, didn't it?

Hmmm…

I like to think I would have looked in on her beforehand just to be on the safe side. But… then again, I didn't even register she'd been absent that week. Probably wouldn't have ever known if Xander hadn't spoken up from his section of the peanut gallery at the staff meeting to comment on it. I think I'm going to put never needing to answer that question in the win column. Anya going AWOL would have been a pretty big deal, and that's ignoring that I suddenly find myself needing to ask her some questions.

I'll have to hunt her down at school tomorrow. Shouldn't be too hard; I saw her hanging around with Xander last week. Maybe he went looking for her? If he found... wherever it was she'd crawled into to hide from her mortality that might explain showing up back at school so fast.

I wonder if I accidentally accelerated that relationship's timeline?


	87. Part 56 - Humanity is Overrated

**Part 56 : Humanity is Overrated**

 **-Sunnydale High : Monday - Afternoon-**

"Miss Jenkins!" I wave as she spins around to stare at me, and make my way over to her before she has a chance to try and run off. Harmony says she's prone to vanishing.

"What do you want?" Hmmm… I know Harmony's said she's been putting some actual effort into making it clear that Anya is now persona non grata in the school, but this whole distraught look she has going on seems a tad excessive.

"I just wanted to ask you a question seeing as you were a practitioner back in the days before germ theory. You don't happen know any magic for dealing with diseases?"

"Diseases!"

"...right… exactly. And-"

"I forgot about diseases!"

Oh. She's having one of her 'being mortal sucks' moments. This could take a while.

Someone apparently thinks this is a wonderful time to cough loudly nearby. "Oh gods! You people are all sick!"

...and now she's running off down the hall. I could catch her, but I don't imagine causing a scene at school being terribly productive.

"What was that all about?" I spin around at the sound of my sister's voice.

"I guess Anya forgot diseases were a thing she could catch now that she's human?"

"Weird."

I shrug, throwing an arm around her. "Yeah… and coming from us, that's really saying something. What do you say we find Harmony and-"

I pause as Anya's voice cuts over the hallway's background din. "What do you mean Willow's sick!?"

Looking down to the hall, I see Xander climbing to his feet as Anya scrambles up off him and bolts around the corner.

It's hard to say for certain with my earring in, but between what I do catch and my sister's amused facial expressions, I'm pretty sure Anya just told half the school about her and Willow making out. "And… go home before Buffy finds a way to make a big deal out of that?"

"But you love annoyin the shit outta B."

"I know…" I sigh mournfully. "But I generally prefer to do my Buffy trolling _on purpose_ and not _actively_ antagonizing her any more was part of that deal I made with Liam."

"Really?" Faith laughs. Head thrown back, body shaking, one hand on my shoulder to hold herself up, laughs. "You agreed to that?"

"I…" trail off. She has a point. I shrug. "Would _you_ want to stare at a bunch of fledges swing picks at a rock wall all day?"

Sharing a grimace, the two of us head off to find Harmony.

We don't even manage to make it all the way down the hall before running into Thomas who's suddenly concerned about catching a magical doom-plague.

Gods Damn It, Anya. Why?

 **-Winters Residence Library : Tuesday Night-**

Feeling another headache starting to creep in as I flip the page on yet another book older than I am- Older than Father- Err… this one might even be older than Liam, I set the book aside for the moment and crack my neck. It helps, but not as much as I'd like. It's probably time to take a break.

Basic reading skills are definitely on the list of things one takes for granted until you're suddenly forced to go without. Fortunately, I seem to have finally crossed the pseudo-threshold for competency in my efforts to learn Latin. Translations have been much easier lately, with context clues actually making sense. Huh, I've only needed to use the Latin-to-English dictionary twice in the past four hours.

The downside- because of course there's a downside- is that it seems I can now read myself straight into a mild migraine. Whether that's the translating or the particularly dry subject material is anyone's guess though.

Then again, maybe it's not anything to do with the reading that's giving me the headache.

Clearing my throat, I wait for my two alleged research assistants to to stop playing hangman long enough to look up at me. "Really, you two? _Really?_ "

My sister groans. "Can't you just make Wussley help with this?"

"First off, Mr. Wyndham-Pryce isn't the prime suspect for Typhoid Mary-ing the majority of my research team. Plus, also unlike you, his symptoms actually seem to be debilitating rath-."

Dawn and my sister highfive, grinning at each other as they chorus, "Go Cordelia!" just like they've done every other time the topic's come up.

"Yes." I sigh. " _That_ is exactly what I wanted you to take away from that statement." I frown thoughtfully at Dawn. "I thought you weren't a fan of Cordelia."

"That was when she was dating _my_ Xander."

"Ah. Of course. My apologies, Ms. Kyle, how silly of me to forget."

Rolling my eyes, I grab my book and try as hard as I can to block out the ensuing discussion the two of them have over whether Xander's newly discovered philandering ways disqualifies him from dating Dawn.

It's all a moot point since Dawn still far too young to date, but for some reason only Joyce ever seems to appreciate it when I point that out.

 **-Hours later-**

"How 'bout this one?"

The fuck is- oh. Looking down at the book Faith slid in front of me, I have to blink at it for a moment before the fact that I'm looking at actual English letters and not Latin or Greek clicks.

Right. I gave Faith those books on purpose.

I finish reading over the spell she's pointing to. "And you'd be okay with this?"

"Uhhh…" Dawn and my sister share a look. "Yes?"

"You didn't read the fine print at all did you?"

"Did too!"

Uh huh. Right. "So you saw that the disease doesn't just go away, you have to give it to someone else. _Three_ someone elses actually, if I'm reading this right."

My sister shrugs at me. "So?"

D'aww… my little sister is growing up! I tilt my head to the side and give her an even stare. "Knowingly giving someone a disease is _usually_ frowned upon..."

"Okay…" She smirks, holding up a finger. "But! What if we make sure all the people we give it to are okay with it?"

...And there goes Lucy, running off with my football agai- _Ungh_. I shake my head as my train of thought's conductor informs me that yes, all thoughts of Charlie Brown and his stupid football have indeed now been ruined for me. Likely forever. Still, baby steps are still technically steps forward and ought to be encouraged so I shove aside my memories of Alter-Faith and grin at my actual Sister. Who is still alive and well. "So your plan is to find people interested in _voluntarily_ being reduced to…" I gesture vaguely in the direction of the stairs leading toward Amy's room where nap number 4 of the day is currently underway. "That could work."

"Well, _duh_. Now can you drop the stupid teachin' moments thing and help?"

"Oh sure, ruin all my fun."

"You'll find more."

"Probably true. Alright… well, I'll need to swing by L.A. to do it, but I can probably round up some homeless people. Couple hundred bucks and some food ought to do the trick."

"Umm... Yeah… we could do that." I raise an eyebrow at her. "Or… you could just talk to the stoneh kids and offer them a chance to stay home from school for a few weeks like any _normal_ sick kid gets ta do."

"Still bitter about Amy and I insisting everyone continue going to school even while sick?"

My sister holds up a hand in front her, thumb and forefinger raised to indicate measurement. "Maybe just an eensy weensy little bit."

I do note my sister is holding her fingers as far apart as she can when she says that. Dawn seems to as well, judging by the giggling. "Hmmm…"

 **-Sunnydale High : Wednesday - Right After Third Period-**

Closing and relocking my locker I-

" _Dyke!_ "

Purely on reflex, my arm snaps out and snags a bottle out of the air as it whizzes past.

Turning to look at it, I glance back and forth from Willow to the full coke bottle in my hand that I'd stopped scant inches away from nailing her right in the startled looking face.

"Gods. Damn. It." I sigh quietly as I replay the last few seconds through my head. This? This is the problem with making a big point out of it being _who_ you are and not _what_ you are that counts. It forces you to do shit like defend gods damned _Willow buggerfucking Rosenberg_ from schoolyard bullies.

Which is just ridiculous when you consider that she'd be fully capable of flaying them alive if she put her mind to it. Though I suppose I have a vested interest in making sure she never needs to find that out. Even if my tattoos should keep me safe, constantly needing to regrow all my skin doesn't strike me as being any more fun than getting set on fire.

Which makes it- Ungh. - _showtime_. Again!

Deep breath. " **ARE.** " I swing around to stare down the hallway the bottle came from. " **YOU.** " I spot Larry suddenly looking twitchy, but it wasn't his voice I heard yell and… not really his style anyway. " **FUCKING.** " Actually, Larry looks like he's nodding his head towards… Ah ha! " **KIDDING ME!?** "

Oh no. Don't you run away from me. You're forcing me to defend Willow. You don't _get_ to run away from me.

Shaking the coke bottle as I go, I don't even bother maintaining the illusion of being limited to 'normal' speeds as I stalk down the hallway towards… fuck. I know I know this kid. Jock. Plays on the basketball team. Hangs out with the kids that are all suddenly finding a reason to take a step away from… He's got a Harry Potter name! ...Percy? Yeah! Percy West.

"What-" Poking him in the chest with two fingers, I pin him against the lockers and drop my voice. "-The _actual fuck_ -" I lean into him, adding pressure to his chest until it stops being able to move enough to breathe properly. "-is wrong with you?" Being just careful enough to avoid cracking his ribs, I keep him pinned and continue shaking the coke bottle. "To start with: This is the girl who cheated on _Oz_ with _Xander_. Maybe this concept is beyond you, but _those are both boys_. Which brings us to the question: Are you _seriously_ going to make fun of Willow for being bi? I mean, _really!?_ This is the girl that dresses herself like her mom picks out all her clothes for her out of _spite_. There are _just so many_ better options for making fun of her with, and you decide to go with _that_ one? _Fucking really?_ " Biting clean through the top of the bottle, I aim it at him and let the pressurized soda hose down his face. "Were you dropped on your head a lot as a baby or are you just fucking reta-?"

 _"_ _Mister Winters!"_

Sigh… Last I checked, this sort of behavior is- officially anyway- a mandatory suspension. So, plastering a cheerful smile on my face, I turn around to face Principal Snyder as he heads our way. "Yeah, yeah. _I know._ I should take a walk and calm down. It's fine, I was planning to head down to City Hall during my lunch period to handle some more budget issues anyway. I'll give gym class a miss and head that way now. To be honest it'll probably take all of the extra time to deal with the mountain of paperwork Wilkins and Finch wants me to sign off on anyway." Good gods, is there ever a lot of paperwork involved in creating a new municipal department. Especially one that'll officially be doing law enforcement.

As always, Snyder's expression shifts like a switch was thrown at any mention of our lovely town's Mayor. "...Yes. I think that might be best."

"Ta!" Flicking the now empty bottle at Percy, I toss Snyder a lazy salute before grabbing my emergency meet and greet kit from my locker and heading out to the parking lot.

Harmony drove us to school today.

Ah well, the 2 mile run probably _will_ help me calm down and it's not like I'm even capable of sweating through my shirt or anything so Wilkins won't have a conniption about hygiene.

...and speaking of Harmony, I should probably put her on damage control before I leave. Can't have the locals going off-message while I'm gone.

 **\- Sunnydale City Hall : Wednesday - Noonish -**

I pause in the open doorway, knocking on the door frame, and only step through when Mayor Wilkins looks up and smiles, waving me in.

My skin barely crawls as I step through the doorway to the Mayor's Office, I guess I've become useful enough that he no longer feels the need to obsessively scan me at every opportunity?

Or maybe he had to dial it back for Chief Munroe to make it through the door alive? I wonder what he's doing here. "I've got another stack of forms for you. Alan says they should be the last ones so we just need your signature on these and we should be all set." I set the pile of papers down on Wilkin's desk and turn to the police chief, holding out my hand. "Chief Munroe, an unexpected pleasure. I do hope you're feeling better now? Dr. Walsh said you were rather sore during your time with him."

Bob doesn't respond or shake my hand until he spots The Mayor glancing over and tsk-tsking at which point my amused grin seems to annoy him for some reason. "Oh I'm doing just _fine_ , thanks." I think he might hurt his teeth if he keeps clenching them so hard while shaking my hand. "So _you're_ heading up the new County Sheriff's department?"

I let go before the urge to crush his hand overwhelms me. "Seems that way."

Bob opens his mouth, but whatever he was going to say dies swiftly as Mayor Wilkins puts his pen down and smiles at us. "It does the heart good to see the two of you getting along so well. I had feared there might be some... friction… between you. That would have been… _unfortunate_."

"Oh. No, sir. In fact," Bob pats the top of a stack of large boxes next to him almost affectionately, "I even brought over those case files we talked about being Sheriff Winters' jurisdiction now. Given that this backlog is only going to grow, I assume he'll want to get started right away."

Tempting as it might be at the moment, I suspect killing him and his department full of morons would probably just get me saddled with the rest of their workload.

No need to let him know that though. "Thanks, _Bob_. You know, we really ought to put together some sort of inter-departmental meet and greet some time." Tilting my head and looking off to the side, I scratch at my neck as if deep in thought. "Hmmm… Oh. I know! How about we get everyone together for a _barbecue_ some time?"

 **-Sunnydale High : Wednesday - Early Afternoon-**

I make it back to the high school with a solid 10 minutes left in lunch block and grab a seat across from the girls. "Hey."

"Yo," my sister says by way of greeting, barely glancing my way as she elbows Amy in the ribs.

Okay. I glance around the cafeteria. Faith's being weird. _Something_ must be up. I don't see anything out of the ordinary going on- wait. "Didn't today start with Calculus? Shouldn't Oz and Harmony be here?" I look around again, making sure I didn't just miss them sitting somewhere else.

I didn't.

"Yeah. Harms dragged Oz off to help her with somethin." Oh. Okay… then what-

" _Do I haf…_ " Amy starts to whine tiredly, calling my attention back to the table in time to watch her trail off into a staring contest with my sister who seems to be nudging her with her elbow again. My eyebrows are already climbing even before Amy huffs out an aggrieved, " _fine_ ," and turns to stare at me blearily.

One of those annoying moments of awkward silence passes by as Amy and I stare at each other before my sister harrumphs. "Megs says ya lost yer shit today?"

No clue who the fuck this Megs is, but I just shrug anyway, having no intention of denying it. "Uh, sure? I mean, I suppose that's one way of looking at it."

Amy nods. "You _have_ been-" She pauses to yawn. "...on edge... a lot lately."

"No I- Er… well… huh. Okay, fair enough. I guess I've been more irritable since… mother left the building, but…" Leaning forward, I lower my voice a bit. "You do know I wasn't even actually that mad this morning?" "

" _Reeeally_...?" My sister leans in, elbow on the table, with her head resting against one fist a few inches from mine. "Cause you scared the shit outta Megs."

Okay. Wait a minute. "Who?"

"Megan Berry?" A second passes and my sister rolls her eyes when she realizes I still have no idea who she's talking about. "She sits in front of me in English."

"Yeah… no. Still lost. Are we sure we're talking about the same things here? I remember having an… altercation… with _Percy_ this morning, but I don't-"

My sister starts nodding her head vigorously. "Megs says she was in the hallway between you two. _Apparently_ you snatched a coke outta the air and then _growled_."

"Oh. Well… okay, sure. I guess I was a little annoyed that I was being forced into defending _Willow_ of all people."

"A little annoyed?" My sister laughs, but her face remains serious. "Bitch came into class laughin at herself for thinkin you wanted to _eat_ her when you stormed past. I mean, how ridiculous is that?"

My sister is doing a really good impression of Amy's 'this is fine' face. I know because I have an example of the original coming from right next to her.

"I'm sure your class-" I wince as a thought occurs to me. "Oh... buggerfuck."

"Yup."

"You have English with Xander don't you?"

"Yup."

"How bad?"

As if summoned from the depths of Tartarus itself by my train of thought, a small hand appears at the edge of my vision, tapping me on my shoulder. " _Hi._ "


	88. Part 57 : Unexpected

**Part 57 : Unexpected**

 **-Sunnydale High : Wednesday - Lunch-**

I'm sure I've mentioned that Slayers are fucking cheaters, right? Seriously. How do they keep sneaking up on me like this?

Twisting around in my seat, I stare at Buffy.

I can practically see the tension in her jaw, and the adrenaline amping up her system is obvious even over the scent of _Slayer_ hanging in the air from both her and my sister.

 _Somebody_ is spoiling for a fight.

Groaning, I slump forward and rest my chin on the table so that I can better glare at my alleged friends. They should know better than this. " _Really?_ You guys thought involving _Buffy_ in an intervention was a good idea?"

"You're doing an intervention?" Buffy asks, suddenly sounding entirely too cheerful. She smells relieved, the tension slowly leaving her voice as a smile creeps onto her face.

...Buffy is smiling at me. Non-murderously too. I lack the words to properly express just how disorienting that is.

"An inter-what-in-the-huh-now?" My sister's asks, her nose scrunched up in genuine confusion.

Amy starting to rub her temples slowly and twitching slightly as she tries not to laugh at me clinches it.

The only one bringing up my totally-not-an-intervention in front of Buffy is me. And whatever she was going to say makes her more uncomfortable than the idea of staging an impromptu intervention. For _me_. Joygasm. "Apparently not." Not in front of you at any rate. "I'm apparently just full of over-reactions today. So, let me try that again..."

Straightening up, I turn to face the blonde menace head on. " _ **Buffy!**_ " I shove every ounce of false cheer I can summon into her name, arms held out wide as if offering a hug. "What brings you to my neck of the cafeteria today?"

Buffy fidgets in place for a long moment before finally taking a deep breath. "Thank you."

I blink.

Then I do it again, taking in a deep breath of my own and confirming that this really is Buffy in front of me. If she isn't then they got all the various smells down _perfectly_ , and I'm not entirely sure how you'd fake smelling like a Slayer.

I'd be tempted to just outright dismiss all that and assume she's some sort of imposter anyway if not for the fact that thanking me sounded like it caused her actual physical pain.

I admit, I'm kind of at a loss for how to deal with this. Worse- or perhaps fortunately?- my confusion must be on display for all to see because Buffy continues after a short pause. "...For helping Willow?" She frowns slightly. "Sort of. I think."

"Oh. Um... You're welcome?" I stare at her blankly for a second. "I'm sorry… this whole non-hostile Buffy thing is really weirding me out."

A foot kicks me under the table. I'd guess it's my sister's judging by how hard it hits my shin. I think her steel-toed boots cracked my… yeah, no. Not even going to pretend to remember what that bone is called. It's not like the bone in my shin is would be any less damaged if I could name it.

"What?" I drop my voice to a hiss, turning to glare at her as my ring sets to work. "The last time Buffy was _friendly_ I got sucker-" I whirl back around, putting Buffy back into my field of vision. A reaction she seems to find amusing. "...punched in the head and then stabbed. I think I'm entitled to be wary of the tiny blonde menace." Just for good measure, I point at her as accusingly as possible.

My answer earns me a sigh from the peanut gallery and, worst of all, an amused giggle from Buffy. I suddenly find myself better able to empathize with my brother's frequent, 'oi! Big Bad here. I'm dangerous, damn it!' moments with Dawn. I don't like it. Might even go so far as to say I hate it. _Loathe it_ even. And I try to reserve such feelings for topics like the prisoner so that's saying something.

Come to think of it, this is all Spike's fault anyway. Though, now that I'm on the topic, I'm going to make sure he has as many of those moments as possible the next time he comes to visit. Might even chain him to a chair and make him read Dawn nursery rhymes or something. Mother would like that, I think.

My brief jaunt down revenge fantasy lane doesn't really help me deal with the current situation though and before I can drag myself back on track to think of a proper response I hear my sister start shifting. Or, more accurately, I hear Amy protesting as Faith pushes her further down the bench so she can shift one seat to the right. Unfortunately, it's only _after_ Faith pats the newly opened seat to her left and invites The Tiny Blonde Menace to, "sit her ass down," that I realize what she's up to. No! Do not want!

"Oh, uhhh…" Buffy starts fidgeting again, glancing around the room. "No… that's... " A quick scan of my own… huh. We _do_ seem to be drawing a lot of extra attention today. Bugger. Then again if it keeps Stabberific Bar- "Okay." Buffy takes a deep breath and sits down.

Gods Damn It.

"Awesome." My sister throws an arm around Buffy's shoulders.

Buffy sighs, rolls her eyes to the ceiling and starts shaking her head. "You're not helping." She turns and mock glares at my sister. "You know that, right?"

"Huh?" My sister blinks, nose scrunching up again, and then even glances my way looking for answers.

I give her a flat stare. "Right. Because clearly _I_ have the magic decoder ring for what goes on in the mind of Buffy."

"Eurgh. Half the school thinks that we're…" she trails off, pointing back and forth between them. "You know..."

"Oh…" She nods sagely as she can manage, before leaning in a bit to add, "screwin like bunnies?"

Buffy groans, slouching forward slightly. "Way to stay classy, Faith."

"So…" She leans in even closer, practically whispering into Buffy's ear. "Are you sayin I shouldn't kiss ya in front of everyone?"

Resting my head on my fist, I turn to Amy as Buffy starts to giggle, halfheartedly shoving my sister's face back away from her. "You're horrible. So... why did you do it anyway?"

Amy and I are in the midst of making amused, if also sleepy in her case, faces at each other when we realize that last question was directed at me. Buffy leaning forward and poking me in the shoulder with her incredibly pointy finger and then repeating herself being the big tipoff.

"Okay, _no_. That was _not_ my fault." Ungh. "You can't just blame me for every little thing you disagree with in life."

Buffy stares at me in obvious disbelief before looking over at my sister with a confused expression, nudging her with her elbow. "...What?"

"Seriously!?" Try as I might, I can't even figure out how she decided I had anything to do with it in the first place. Fuck's sake, she's the one that took my sister as her date to a high school dance. What in the nine hells did she think would happen?

As if sensing my thoughts, my sister kicks me under the table again.

I glare at her. "I didn't do any… thing- Okay. I _guess_ I didn't go out of my way to tell anyone I heard talk about it-" I gesture at a few of the various groups eating nearby that I've heard mention her and my sister dating a time or two. "-that they were _wrong_ , but I am _not_ the gossip police. Not that the gossip police would help you either since Harmony's decided the two of you are, and I quote, 'cuter than unicorns' together, so I don't really see her-"

"Harmony wasn't- _What?_ Wait no… _What?_ " Buffy's confused frown grows until she takes a deep breath and points at me in what I think is meant to be a stern fashion. "What are you talking about?"

"Harmony deciding you and Faith would make a cute couple? I don't think she _started_ them, but she's been pretty enthusiastic about egging those rumors on for a while now." Which, now that think of it, makes it a little odd that it was Willow who- Wait, no. I suppose I'm the only one who knows Willow can flay people alive with her mind. Psycho-Barbie is the obvious kind of dangerous, even the jocks would know not to mess with her.

"She..." Speaking of Psycho-Barbie: Buffy is staring at me, her eyes narrowing slowly. "... _what!?_ "

"Oh, chillax, B. It ain't a big deal."

"I'm not-" She stops and takes another deep breath, muttering something that sound suspiciously like 'woo...sah…' under her breath. "Starting over. You," she points at me, "helped Willow. Sort of. But… why?"

My sister groans, slumping forward onto the table. "Does it really matter?"

"Ye- No." Buffy sighs, looking back and forth between the two of us. "...Yes."

I roll my eyes, lowering my voice. "Because it would make your life so much simpler if I were just another obviously evil blood sucki-"

"Yes!" Buffy cuts me off, practically hissing frustration at me. I can see it on her face not even a half second later when she realizes what she's said, but she doesn't seem keen to let such trivialities slow her down. "And!" Great. Now she's pointing her finger in my face again. "Because the two of you _don't_ get along! Like, _at all_." She sighs. "...And it's _weird!_ "

"...oh." I shrug. "Speaking of weird, this whole being almost reasonable thing you have going on is giving me the wig-" Faith kicks me. "-gins…" I glare at her briefly, but relent when I note that we appear to be amusing Buffy. "Fine…" De-escalation it is. I shrug. "It was mostly reflexive, what with Faith being so fond of-"

Faith kicks me. Again. Hard enough to actually _break_ my shin this time.

"Would you stop that!?" Hands smacking the table, I abandon any pretense and turn to stare at my sister. "I am being _civil_. I'm even answering her questions and everything. _Why do you keep kicking me!?"_

For that matter, why am I answering Buffy's questions?

Wait, no, better question: She's being… well, very close to polite and I've been trying to unfuck my working relationship with the scoobs for almost a month, so why in the nine hells was I antagonizing her in the first place?

Gods Damn It, Mother. Was etching _'Buffy sucks and we hates her!'_ inside my skull _really_ necessary? Oh, right... homewrecker.

Meh. Messing with Buffy is entirely too entertaining to do anything silly like stopping just because I accidentally deprogrammed myself.

It seems that throughout the entirety of my little existential moment Faith has just continued staring at me, her eyebrows practically twitching on her face.

Now what? What's she got to be angry abo-

Faith widens her eyes slightly and then glances pointedly at Buffy without turning her head.

…Oh. Yeah, no. Gods no. Eleven foot pole of no.

"Faith…" I drop my head, catching it in the palm of my hand and then drag my hands down my face. Explaining to Buffy that you aren't joking when you flirt with her is so not where I was going with any of that. "I appreciate you trying to stop me from blabbing, but _crossbow practice_ isn't exactly a secret. I mean, we told _Giles_ about it. I'm pretty sure there are memos circling the globe about your third favorite pastime at this point."

Faith only blinks once, her nose just starting to crinkle up before she catches on and grins. "...Oh. Okay. I gotcha."

"Crossbow practice?" Buffy glances back and forth between us. "Wait. Giles was being serious about that?"

"If Giles said that Faith's idea of practice involves shooting me in the heart while I try to catch them, then… yes?" In the interest of preserving the tattered remains of my claim to civility, I _don't_ comment on the fact that Buffy looks slightly jealous of my sister right now. I plaster a smile back on my face instead and press on. "Incidentally, soda bottles are a lot easier to snag out of the air mid-flight then crossbow bolts."

"Okay." Buffy nods, to herself from the looks of it. "So helping Wills was just… reflex?" She frowns, eyes narrowing at me again. "Wait, no. None of that explains the scene-making you did after catching the bottle."

"Well how was I supposed to make sure it never happened again without making an example out of him? And since I'm not allowed to just eat him," I gesture towards Amy's sleeping form, "I had to get creative..." Wait, what?

"Faith?" I point at Amy again. "Did Amy fall asleep with a half chewed fork full of food in her mouth?"

"Nope." My sister reaches over and very slowly removes the fork from Amy's mouth, taking extra care not to disturb her head's balance on the arm holding it up, before turning back to Buffy and me. "Course she didn't." She stares at me for a second before tossing the fork down on the table between us. "It'd have been pretty embarrassin' if she did somethin' like that."

"Right." I'm so proud of my baby sister right now. She managed that with a perfectly straight face and everything! "I suppose it would be." I nod as sagaciously as I can, struggling not to laugh or even smile. "I take it moments like this are why you're not in any of those photos Amy keeps in the vault?"

"Damn skippy."

"Right. So… where was I? Oh!" I snap my fingers and point at Buffy before she can try and remind me; I'm sick of talking about Willow. "While I have you both here…" I grab my backpack from the floor and drag it up onto the table, unzipping it and pulling out the folders with their paperwork. "I need you to sign these so that the city can start paying you."

"Wicked!" Faith's folder practically teleports out of my hand. "Finch finally finished countin' all his beans."

I smile at my sister and shake my head before turning back to Buffy. She's frowning at me. Of course she is. It's like she's allergic to good news. Or maybe it's just me? I think I'd be okay with Buffy being allergic to me. "What the what?" She asks, ever so eloquently, interrupting my musing. "Pay us?"

"Well… yeah." I tilt my head and stare at her. "That is usually how jobs work. _Especially_ in the more violence oriented lines of work like ours."

"Giles said it was more of a calling thing than a job thing."

"Right… Cause you're 'Prophecy Girl-'" I add air-quotes for good measure, before raising an eyebrow. "-...and always on call without pay, apparently."

Buffy looks torn for a moment, but then just sighs. "Yeah... That's me: Permanently on call girl."

"Uh… B?" My sister's nose scrunches up as she side eyes Buffy. "Call Girls get paid."

Lift finger. Open mouth. Gain a newfound appreciation for Captain Reynolds. Close mouth. Lower finger. "Right…" I reach over, telekinetically flipping Faith's paperwork to the page that explains what our department's on call responsibilities are, and tap my finger on the relevant section. "I'm probably never going to get a better segue than that to explain the first case on your docket, so…"


	89. Interlude 17A - The Buffy Cop Movie

_A/N - obligatory joke is obligatory:  
Writer A: I think we should do a buddy cop movie.  
Writer B: Lifts head off desk, blinks sleepily A Buffy cop movie?  
Writer A: ...Yes. That is _exactly _what I said._

 **Interlude 17A - The Buffy Cop Movie**

***POV Buffy***

 **\- Sunnydale County Sheriff's Office : Saturday Evening - Mid December -**

Vice is a weird name for a police thingy.

Department?

Unit?

...Unit. Vice is a weird name for a police unit.

Giles said something about how it's supposed to be 'vice as in the opposite of virtue' and not as in vice president or 'I strangle the demon in my vise-like grip' but…

But giving myself flashbacks to my SAT prep doesn't really do anything to prepare me for walking into one of the conference rooms in the little converted office space downtown that's now serving as the Sheriff's Department and finding out the girl who's here to report a sexual assault doesn't look that much older than Dawn. Maybe it's the hair? Their hair cuts do look kind of similar.

I think I'm going to tell myself it's the hair rather than letting myself focus on how half of her face is purple with bruising and the way she's holding her right arm to her chest reminds me of… me after some of my worst nights on patrol.

Somehow I don't think she's going super-healing her way into feeling fine by tomorrow morning though.

Pulling out the chair on the other side of the table from her, I glance down at the paperwork Jack handed off to me and double check her name as I set it down on the table. "...Charisma?" Whoever filled it out made a note that it's probably not her real name. Not that Buffy is all that normal of a name either, so who am I to judge? Hell, I go to school with an _Aphrodesia_.

Fake name or not, she responds to it; looking up at me with the eye that isn't swollen shut and nodding slowly.

"Hi. I'm Deputy Summers." I give her my best smile as I sit down. "Can you tell me what happened?"

 **\- Sunnydale County Sheriff's Office - Interview Room : A Little While Later -**

"Yeah… it was like… pretty dumb, I guess, but we were young and in love, you know?" Charisma shrugs, taking a sip from the drink Jack brought her to help calm her down; some sort of fancy tea thing with way too much raspberry sweetener in it from how dark it looks. I glance suspiciously at the mocha latte he brought for me as she resumes her life story. I still haven't been able to bring myself to trust it enough to drink any of it, no matter how good it smells. "So we figured: People head out west to try and, like, start over, make those computer things, or try to be movie stars all the time. You know, all that jazz. So why not us?" She sighs, taking another sip from her drink. "...Chris was gone by the end of the year."

 **\- Sunnydale County Sheriff's Office - Interview Room : A Long While Later -**

"So." Charisma takes a deep breath, her fingers stretching out like she wants to drum them on the table before tightening into a fist. "He finishes right? And-" Another pause to breathe. "I don't even know where he got the brass knuckles, but he finishes and the next thing I know his fist just hauls back and punches me in the face. That went on for like a while, I guess," she gestures at her bruised face, shrugging as if it's no big deal but her eyes are wet. "I… like… lost consciousness... _eventually_." She pauses again, wiping a few tears off her face with the hand not holding her drink. "I came to in a dumpster some time the next morning with a knife in my chest."

Pushing the box of tissues in the middle of the table towards her, I give her a moment to collect herself.

"I mean… like... the guy was totally upfront about wanting to choke me while we went at it." She gestures at the handprint shaped bruises wrapping around her neck. "But like I just figured… whatever, you know? Not like I actually _need_ to breathe or anything."

"Right." ...wait, what?

"And yeah, I know the other girls will sometimes turf the rougher Johns to me and Tans cause, well... duh; better us than them, right? We can take it." She shrugs, wincing slightly. "But like, it's cool. We don't really mind even if they're into some pretty grody stuff cause I mean, whatever, we really can take it, right? And like, the other girls help us out too: spot us some blood if we're having a slow week and stuff."

...Blood? I glance at the drink Jack brought her. Raspberry flavored iced tea does not cling to a plastic cup like that.

Her bruises already starting to fade compared to how she looked when I first came in, Charisma leans back in her chair, running a hand through her hair. "But I just… I didn't expect him to actually try and kill me, you know?"

"...You're a vampire."

"Well yeah, but he didn't know that, thank fuck. If one of the other girls-"

"You're a _vampire!_ "

"Oh." The vampire shakes her head, sighing slightly. "Fan...fucking...tastic. You're one of those people. Ugh, gag me with a spoon. Of course you are. Why did I let myself expect anything else?" as she pushes back in her seat and stands up, still talking to herself; now with exaggerated head wobbles and a baby voice. "Everything'll be okay, Chari. It won't be like dealing with the regular cops, Chari. They know about magic and demons, Chari. They'll totally help you, Chari. Let me guess, 'Oh, you're a _vampire?_ Well then, _suck it up_ ,' right? Fuck you." She spins around, left hand raised over her shoulder to flip me off, and marches out the door, "Bitch."

What the what just happened?

 **\- Sunnydale County Sheriff's Office - Interview Room : ? Later -**

Not sure how long I sat there, wondering what the hell just happened before Faith pokes her head into the room. "Yo!"

"...Hey."

"That bad, huh?"

"What?"

"You were meetin' with the vic, weren't ya? I read the report thing, but-"

"She was a vampire."

"Right…"

"You knew?"

"You didn't?" Faith tilts her head and scrunches up her nose. "Don't we only get the cases 'bout magic 'n shit?"

"Point." I sigh. "I guess I just didn't expect the vamp to be the _victim_."

"Oh..." Faith nods. "That makes sense. Explains the sign too." She pushes the door open the rest of the way into the room, holding up a box from Espresso Pump. "Doughnut?" With the door open, I can see the piece of paper taped to the outside of the door with 'Buffy's first racial sensitivity training. Do not disturb.' written on it.

I start to say no, intent on having myself a little bit more wallowing and then maybe seeing if I can glare that sign out of existence, but my traitorous stomach gurgles loudly before I can do more than open my mouth.

Faith laughs. "C'mon, B. We'll take the box with us on the way to the crime scene."

Forcing myself up out of my chair, I follow Faith- and the admittedly delicious smelling doughnuts- out of the interview room, ripping down the sign as I go past it. The main area of the new Sunnydale Sheriff's Office is still just a large but mostly empty room. One which currently smells overwhelmingly of paint courtesy of Harmony's efforts turning the walls a very pretty shade of green.

Said girl looks to be stuck in her white painter's onesie thing; she's currently losing a pretty vicious looking fight with the duct tape Amy wrapped around her wrists and ankles for some reason. Getting one of her latex gloves stuck to the tape isn't really helping her cause much either.

Faith and I are still in the middle of trying to extricate her when the bells on the door jangle from Amy pushing it open. She pauses, holding the door for Jack who's somehow balancing a stack of boxes that all say 'IKEA' that's taller than he is. Jerk's probably using magic to cheat given the lack of slip or slide-age even as he tries to limbo under the door frame.

"Yo." Faith waves at them. "How was dinner?"

"Great!" Amy grins widely, holding out a faintly glowing hand towards Jack as he shuffles around a bit to both get the boxes back upright and then turn them sideways so he can actually see us around the wall of cardboard.

He nods in agreement when he finally gets them settled. "The food was pretty good, though I think our waitress was a werewolf, or at least some kind of lycanthrope; she smelled kind of like Oz does and kept giving me funny looks."

"Ha!" Amy cackles hysterically. "Yeah, she actually followed me into the bathroom to try and warn me about you without actually saying the word vampire. The look on her face when she realized I already knew was priceless."

"Oh, hmmm… I think I'm supposed to feel insulted." Jack sets the stack of boxes down on the floor. "I just can't seem to summon enough give-a-fuck to care." He shrugs. "Might want to let Oz know there's a fellow werewolf within driving distance."

"No!" It isn't until Jack's head starts to swivel back and forth that I realize I wasn't the only one protesting on Willow's behalf, Amy and Harmony both yelling in unison with me.

By unspoken agreement, Harmony and I both decide to let Amy handle dealing with Jack's… _Jack_. Ungh. He really ought to come with a warning label: 'Caution, prolonged exposure may cause such side effects as: participation in way, way, too many conversations about, or _with_ , vampire prostitutes; moment having with _Harmony Kendall_ who seems downright reasonable by comparison; and other such Wiggins-with-a-capital-W giving situations.'

"Jack…" Amy apparently agrees with me, at least in spirit, since her reaction is to drag a hand down her face with a loud groan before throwing her hands in the air. "We are not fixing Oz up on a blind date with his _cousin_. No. Just… no."

"Hey now." Jack somehow finds a way to look offended. "Just because they're both werewolves doesn't mean they're related."

"No, of course it doesn't." Amy sighs. "Claire being the daughter of Oz's Uncle's sister does that nicely all on its own, And no, I don't care if they're only cousins by marriage, we're still not doing that."

"Oh…" Harmony visibly perks up next to me as Jack takes a step back, hands raised in confused surrender. "You met Claire?" She bounds forward and holds out her last leg still wrapped in duct tape to Amy. "Isn't she a sweetheart?"

"Yeah, she is." Amy nods happily before stares down at the duct tape and mumbles. The tattered remains of the painter's onesie rip themselves off of Harmony and fall to the floor. "Did you meet her at that gig thing you drove Oz to over in Oxnard?"

"Yeah, I wound up driving her home so she wouldn't have to be in the van with Sam after they broke up."

Beside me, I half catch Faith muttering the word 'drummers' like it's a swear.

I wait for the door to swing shut behind us before I nudge Faith with my elbow and lean in, whispering in her ear. "So... are they actually dat-" Faith's head whips around as she makes a shushing noise. "-ing… now-" A hand grabs at my jaw, thumb going into my mouth and pinning my tongue in place as it pulls my head around.

"Do. Not. Say it." Harmony is staring at me eye to eye from just a few inches away, strained smile on her face.

I blink.

When I open my eyes again Harmony is still standing there. With her thumb in my mouth. Her hand tastes like latex.

Faith leans in to whisper in my ear from behind. "We're tryin' real hard not to spook the two of 'em and Jack's got stupidly good hearin."

Harmony, thumb still in my mouth, nods at me with a completely serious expression. "They had dinner together. In nice clothes. At a nice restaurant. They even think it was their own idea." She finally takes her thumb out of my mouth before putting a finger over my lips, her smile getting impossibly wider. "And I swear to Prada they will never find your body if you ruin this moment for me."

 **-Sunnydale Motor Inn - Parking Lot : Saturday Night -**

"Tanya!"

A hand grabs my shoulder, tugging me backwards as a woman pulls herself forward next to me. Late twenties, maybe early thirties, with red hair pulled back into a braid and a very low cut black shirt and very obviously not wearing a bra.

"Hey, Tans. Can I borrow a…" The woman holding my shoulder trails off as Faith and I turn to look at her. "Oh. Whoopsies!" She pulls her hand back off my shoulder. "I am so sorry. I thought you were someone else."

"It happens." I shrug, starting to turn and resume walking around only to be stopped by Faith stepping in front of me.

"Hey," Faith holds out a hand before the girl can back away."...Janine, right?"

"Uh…" She doesn't take Faith's hand, looking about ready to bolt for half a second before doing a double take with a slight frown on her face. "...Do I know you?"

"Yeah, I lived out of room 14 for a little while when I first came to town. Pretty sure we passed each other in the hallway a few times."

"No shit?" She starts to relax a little, her face lighting up with recognition. "Oh! You're the chick that broke Jameson's nose!"

"Uh… Was he the jerkass with the mullet? Woke me up at like 4AM stomping around and yelling?"

"Yup." She pops the p with a grin. "Jackass decided we couldn't possibly manage another day on our own without his 'protection' or some shit." She air-quotes protection, wiggling her eyebrows at me. "Way I heard it from Gloria, your girlfriend here staggers out of her room looking like she was still asleep, doesn't say a goddamn word unless you count a couple of yawns, just puts his face right through a wall and goes back to bed like nothing happened. Fucker never came back."

"She's not my girlfriend."

"Yeah." Faith wraps an arm around me, leaning her head against my shoulder. "We prefer 'Partners' nowadays."

I try my best to glare at her despite the awkward angle.

"What?" She smiles at me oh so innocently. "We are." She shrugs. "Technically."

Rolling my eyes, I try my best to ignore her antics and turn back to… "Look, Janine, was it?"

"Janice, actually."

"Damn." Faith drops the arm from around my shoulders to swing it in front of her, snapping her fingers. "So close!"

"Right. I'm Buffy." I hold out my hand to shake. "The walking bundle of jaded inappropriateness is Faith."

Janice slowly reaches out and shakes my hand, giving me a surprised look. I'm confused at first, but feeling the embossed cross on the back of her ring pressing against my hand I realize she thought I was a vampire and I'm just left feeling vaguely insulted. Even more so when I spot the barely faded bite marks on her wrist. At least she's warm to the touch and not a vamp herself though. I think. Huh, maybe I should get a ring like that too? Seems useful.

Faith holds out her own hand to shake, but glances at me while they're shaking hands. "Shouldn't that be Deputy Dormer and Deputy Summers? You know, since we're on duty 'n shit?"

"Fuck my life..." Janice pulls her hand out of Faith's with a groan. "You're fucking cops?"

"Uh-" Faith and I glance at each other. "Sheriff's Deputies, but yeah?"

"God damn it." Janice sighs. "Can we please not do this today?"

"Do what?"|"Excuse me?" Faith and I ask at the same time.

"Just…" She wilts, her whole demeanor sagging into dejected resignation. "What am I going to have to do for the two of you to not waste my entire night in lockup? I don't really have a lot of practice with Janes."

Janes?

"Woah, woah, woah! _No_." Faith smacks her forehead. "We ain't here for _that_. Or to give you a hard time."

It takes me another second beyond that for what she was asking us to click, and then it takes me a few more seconds to recover as I resist the urge to vomit.

"Just…" I pause to swallow the little bit of bile that made its way up my throat. "Point us towards room 35?"

"35?" She gulps. "Do we have to do it in there? That room isn't exactly…" She trails off, blinking in confusion. "Wait, you guys are actually going to investigate that?"

"Yeah." My nodding agreement may be slightly manic from my lingering desire to escape this whole line of conversation.

"And you're not here to hassle us?"

"Nope. Actually," Faith reaches into her pocket and pulls out some business cards, "The Sheriff asked me to hand these out. Wants you to call us if the regular cops try to give you girls a hard time so we can pull jurs… jury..? We'll pull rank on them."

Janice gives Faith a flat disbelieving look.

"Our… uh..." Faith trails off mumbling to herself as she counts on her fingers. "Great... Great... Grandmother was in your line of work; we're not going to make your lives difficult unless you start sacrificing the Johns to some kind of demon." Janice glances between us with a confused look, but I'm still struggling with the idea that I'm pretty sure Faith just referred to Darla as family to try and help her understand. "Oh," Faith continues unhelpfully, seeing Janice's expression: "Sheriff Winters is my Brother."

"And is _he_ going to want something in return for this _help?_ " Janice eyes the cards like they might explode.

"Just a signed witness statement or two." Faith holds out the business cards a little closer to her. "He gets a big kick out of making Bob's day a little bit harder every chance he gets. One time the douche-canoe tried to arrest my partner here," Faith hooks her thumb over at me, "Jack dislocated his arm, tazed him, and then stuck him with a 24 hour psych hold down at Sunnydale Memorial."

 **-Sunnydale Motor Inn - Room 35 : Saturday Night -**

"You know," I look around the room. "I was kind of expecting there to be more blood... uh, well... _everywhere_ , really."

"Nah…" Faith walks towards the bed with the misshapen red oval in the middle, pulling on a pair of latex gloves. "Vamp: No heartbeat, no real blood pressure to splatter the stuff everywhere. I bet those few drippy bits on the right side are from the knife going up and down." She traces a series of small loops with her finger, her other hand making stabby motions at the air. "One… two… three. She said she woke up with the knife still in her, right? So that's 4 stabs?"

"Are you just making this up?"

"Nah… well, not really. Jack got us a bunch of books on that forensics stuff. I tried reading about fingerprints and stuff first but I kept falling asleep. The ones about blood are a lot more fun. I'm on chapter… 6, I think?"

"...Oh." I shrug. "Just don't let Giles know you're having fun reading about something for work or he'll try to bury you in a tomb of giant books."

"Don't remind me." Faith groans. "Wesley's already started bringing books over to the house."

"Jack lets him do that?"

"Jack helps him do that. He and Ames are further along on my 'reading list'" Faith pauses to make an exaggerated gagging noise, "than I am."

"But books about blood splatter are fun?"

"The books about magic and demons aren't bad either… but right now Wesley wants me to read this stupid journal thing by some French Slayer who lived in fuckin' prehistoric times and it's all just her whining."

"Prehist- Wait, do you mean Cateline's diary? 1800's France is not _prehistoric_."

"May as well be!"

"Oh, c'mon! I really liked that one. It was kind of nice knowing I wasn't the only one to go through some of this crap as a Slayer. Made me feel less alone."

"Uh… _hel-lo_..." Faith points at me and then to herself and back again a few times. "What am I, chopped liver? Of course we ain't alone."

"You do remember I had to deal this whole Slayer thing by myself for like 2 whole years before you got to town, right?"

"Lies and slander!" Faith sticks her tongue out at me. "There was no 'Before-Faith,' I'm clearly the center of the- Aha!" She reaches down and plucks something off the bed. "Short brown hair! You said Willow would only need the one to show us the dude in some water, right?"

"Yeah… but we should keep looking-" I shudder a little bit. "-I doubt this bed only has hairs from the guy that stabbed her."

"Oh, c'mon, B." Faith tilts her head a back and sighs. "Don't be such a prude." She still pulls out a little evidence baggy and starts labelling it though.

"Hey! You're not the one who was told she might have _syphilis_."

"You didn't though."

"Having Mono wasn't exactly _fun_ either."

 **\- Summers Residence : Sunday -**

The image in the water bowl fades. "Okay," Willow picks up her notebook and starts writing. "So... 'Hair F' came from the same guy as 'Hair C.' Let's try 'Hair G.'"

"I just really hope none of these show us the guy from 'Hair B' ever again. That was gross."

"Hey! Bright side!" Wills gives me a bright, if obviously forced, smile. "I'm pretty sure you covered Dawn's eyes before she saw anything. And…" Will's smile turns brittle as she her forced cheer starts to crack and she looks a bit green again. "He's probably finished by now?"

Gagging slightly, I wave her on. "Let's just start 'Hair G' before my mom gets home. Thanks for trying though."

"Any time."

Willow takes the hair out of the little baggy and starts the spell for the 7th time, the reflection of my living room in my mom's punch bowl slowly fading out as the magic replaces it with the target's surroundings.

As is becoming- No, we're 7 for 7 now, it's already depressingly common; the guy we're scrying on is in the bathroom, half naked, when he appears. At least this time that just means he's staring at a mirror while in the middle of pulling a shirt on.

"Okay…" Wills watches him button up shirt as she reaches for her notebook with the hand not holding onto the hair. "He's got the 'short but not buzz cut short' brown hair. Check. He's white, another check. Young, good looking, fit but not muscley, check, check, and check. This could be your guy. Oh, nevermind. Probably not: he's a priest."

"Uh, Wills?" I grab her hand before she can cancel the spell. "Can you zoom out at all?"

"A little. Maybe. Last time I tried I kinda wound up seeing the inside of the ceiling. Why?"

"I think there's someone else in the room with him." I point towards the bathtub we can just barely see the edge of in the bowl. "I think I saw a foot when he leaned over to grab his collar thing."

"Oh!" Wills' face starts turning red. "Should we really be spying on a priest and his wife? Maybe he was just staying in that hotel room when they first came to town?"

Fortunately- Unfortunately, really, for the poor girl at least- the guy- Perp? I think they call them perps on TV- saves us the trouble of deciding by stepping over to the tub and making the sign of the cross over the naked woman's mangled body soaking in the very red bath water."

The knife handle sticking out of her chest looks an awful lot like the one we have in the evidence room down at the Sheriff's Office from Charisma.

 **\- Sunnydale County Sheriff's Office : Sunday Afternoon -**

Jack stares at the punch bowl we put down on his new desk for a long moment before standing up so fast that his chair goes flying backwards. "Harmony! Get the tweed brigade on the phone and tell them to drag their asses down here as fast as they can. Pick them up if you have to." He glances at the bowl again. "Fuck it, tell them we'll drive to them if they aren't mobile. And tell them to have their bosses' phone numbers handy too."

Looking around, everyone but Harmony, who is already walking away with her phone to her ear, has the same kind of confused expression. Amy's quickly morphs into one of alarm as she grabs the hair out of Willow's hand, ending the scrying showing the guy in priest's robes driving down what looks like stretch of highway somewhere, and starts wrapping it around her necklace. "Who is he and how big a problem is that guy going to be?"

"His name-" Jack stops short, head whipping around to stare at me suspiciously for a moment before he reaches out to poke me.

"What the fuck, Jack?" I grab his arm before his hand can reach my face.

He doesn't seem too bothered by me stopping him, his expression clearing up the moment I grab his arm. "Okay, good." He tugs his arm free and starts walking over towards the large metal cabinet in the back of the room. "His name is Caleb."

Pulling out a ring of keys he starts undoing the locks. "I'm… not actually sure what his last name is or if Caleb is even his real name or just the one he goes by." He pops the last lock and pulls the doors open. Reaching in he pulls out some kind of rifle and checks it over. "I also have no way of knowing how far along we are in the timeline Mother left in my head."

The rifle gets tossed to Faith, who stares at it with raised eyebrows. "Fifty cal, seriously?" she still catches the box of bullets and starts loading the stupid thing though.

"Yes." Jack looks back at her while reaching in and grabbing another rifle. His smile looks strained. "We're either dealing with a garden variety mortal serial killer, _**ooor**_ _..._ he's already the mystical equivalent of an armed suitcase nuke." Everyone startles at that, Jack stubbornly continuing to talk over our attempts at questions. " ** _So!_** If Amy says he's still inside Sunnydale County and the first shot doesn't just bounce the fuck off then we're putting the whole gods damned clip into his head, burning the body, and then salting and scattering the ashes."

"Not even close." Amy's eyes are closed, a faint sheen of sweat starting to show on her brow. She's got her hand out palm down with her necklace looped around her middle finger pulling almost flat in obvious defiance of gravity. "He's a good... three hundred something miles thataway now." She points the same direction her necklace is pulling. "Just barely inside the edge of my range. Feels about as the same distance away as those google people you work with but mostly East instead of mostly North."

"Well… fuck." Jack puts the rifle down and looks over at the map of California counties on the wall. "Coupled with Willows imagery, that's… what? Most of the way to Vegas on I-15?"

"I… _think_ … so? Could maybe be I-40 instead. It's hard to tell at this range, especially with how fast he's moving."

"Damn. Looks like we're turfing this one to the Tweed Brigade afterall." Jack looks over at where his chair rolled to earlier and then just flops down onto the floor to sulk. "I suddenly understand why the local cops always seem to hate the FBI in movies."

 **\- Winters Residence : Late December -**

I can't believe mom actually let Dawn go over _by herself!_

There's a difference between 'Jack isn't _that_ bad _for a vampire_ ' and 'let's let Dawn hang out with the crazy people alone.'

A huge difference!

"Sweetie, wait!"

Oh, c'mon!

Halfway up the walkway already, I turn around. "Can you grab the bag in the back for me?" She adjusts her grip on her pie to close her own door before looking over at me.

"But-" My objection loses, _hard_ , to my mom's disappointed face. "...Yes, Mom." I walk back over to the car and grab the bag out of the back seat.

...Swiss Miss and a bag of tiny marshmallows? _That's_ what Amy called last minute to have her bring over with us? _Why?_

Whatever. Not important! What is important is that Dawn is in the… the _madhouse_. Alone.

Kicking the door shut, I head up the walkway, catching up to my mom as she rings the doorbell.

Waiting there on the front steps, I can't help but feel like the complete and utter lack of sound coming from the house apart from that odd buzzing noise of Amy's magic is all kinds of wiggins-giving.

It also means we get no warning sounds from the locks until the door suddenly swings open, and Dawn beams at us. "You made it!"

…That is so not what she was wearing when she left the house this morning. Is that my halloween costume from last year? No… it's a different color. What the what?

I look over at mom to confirm I'm not hallucinating. She's staring at Dawn's old-timey purple dress in confusion too. "Was this meant to be a costume party?"

"What?" Dawn blinks and then glances down at herself before bursting into laughter. "Oh… no." she waves a hand back and forth while trying to control herself. "No no no. This is just something Dru sprung on all of us at the last moment."

Drew?

Wait… no. Nononono!

Drusilla walks up behind Dawn, my hands and face bouncing off an invisible barrier as I move to stop her.

I beat my fists against the barrier to no avail as Drusilla wraps her arms around my sister from behind, resting her face on her shoulder right next to my sisters neck. Whatever magics the barrier is using to keep me out gives off a faint white light at every impact, but doesn't yield at all.

"Machatunim!" Ignoring me completely, Drusilla is standing there with her head on Dawn's shoulder so that their cheeks are pressed together, staring at my mom with a huge smile on her face. "You came!"

"Of course… It was very nice of Jack to invite us." And my mom is smiling back at her awkwardly, obviously having no idea who she's talking to but treating it like she forgot a co-worker's name rather than the trainwreck in progress that it is.

Gah! She's even giving me her ' _What are you doing? Stop that_ ' look!

Dawn at least seems to understand how wrong all this is; she's glaring pretty fiercely at Drusilla as she tries to wedge a hand in between them. "... Dru…" She whines, pushing ineffectively at the side of Drusilla's head. "You _promised_ you'd behave."

"And _you_ promised to call me Savta." Drusilla… pouts at her?

…What in the huh?

"Sorry, Savta." Dawn's eyes roll heavenward as she sighs. "I forgot."

"That's alright, my little starling." Drusilla _kisses my sister on the cheek_. "All's forgiven." She looks back at my mom and holds out her hand, carefully keeping it behind the barrier where I can't reach her. "Tea?"

Fortunately that same barrier means that my mom can't-

"Oh, I'd love some." My mom steps forward through the doorway with no difficulty, but another punch shows it's still clearly blocking me.

"What are you _doing?_ " Dawn hisses, grabbing my hand and staring at me like I'm a crazy person.

"There's some kind of spell keeping me out."

Dawn gives me a look and pulls on my arm, frowning when it doesn't work. She stares at my arm for a moment before groaning loudly, drawing in a really deep breath and shouting, " **Amy!** " at the top of her lungs. "Jack did something _dumb!_ " She stands there looking annoyed for a second while all I hear is Amy's silencing magic buzz, and then shouts again. "How should I know!? Buffy can't get through the front door." She looks back at me and smiles. "Hold on, Amy's going down to the basement to see if she can fix it."

Spike sprints up to Dawn, expression one of pure glee as he puts a hand on her shoulder and sticks his tongue out at me. "Ha! Not so much fun from the other side is it, Bi-" He cuts off, Dawn's elbow to his gut driving the air out of him.

"Spike. I swear to god, if Drusilla does _anything_ to mom, I'm going to feed you both to the sun. _In pieces_."

"...Dru's got Joyce?" Spike's eyes go wide, his face losing what little color it had. " _Bugger_."

"Jeez, what is _with_ you two?" Dawn huffs out as Spike races away. "Her tea really isn't that bad. You just can't let her get started about the lemons like Faith did."


	90. Interlude 17B - Conversations

**Interlude 17B - Conversations With Dead People**

***POV: Angel***

 **\- The Mansion : Tuesday, December 1st - (Morning before the fight that opens chapter 55) -**

"But then if they find out that I knew and I _didn't_ tell them…" Sitting sideways next to me on the new couch Jack _insisted_ I needed, Buffy flails the arm not holding a tissue to her nose as she trails off. "Not that I have any idea how or when I could even tell him. Xander still isn't speaking to me from the last time I kept something from him. Like full on avoidage of the me at school. And of the Willow. She's taking it even harder cause Oz is doing it too. To Willow, not so much to me. He said 'hey' to me in the hall the other day, which is like… normal Oz to Buffy levels of speakage."

"Ah…" My response dies in my throat as I spot Jenny Calendar leaning against kitchen doorway, smirking at me. When I turn my head to look at her though, she's not there. Can't be there; I killed her.

Killed her and left her corpse in his bed for Giles to find.

"But, no… he has to all with the valid point having." Buffy sighs, crossing her arms against her chest and pressing her head back against my arm as she sulks. "That's the most annoying part. He's kind of right. Which is all kinds of wrongness. Maybe. I don't know. Getting Will's or Xander's hopes up and then having it not work out really would be awful… I mean, I barely even met him, but Jesse was their friend for ages. I just… I hate not being able to tell them. Keeping secrets sucks."

"Oh, doesn't it just?" Jenny whispers in my ear. "Secrets like what a monster you truly are? Not like that ever came back to bite anyone. Oh… wait..." She starts scratching at her suddenly bloodied neck in the corner of my vision.

"Buffy… I…"

A high pitched beeping noise comes from Buffy's watch, cutting me off.

"Urgh!" She sits up, mashing at the buttons on the side of said watch. "I have to go or I'm going to be late for school. Thanks for letting me whine at you. I still don't know what I'm going to do, but Mr. Platt was right about just telling someone what's bothering helping me feel better."

"So…" Jenny steals her seat the moment the door swings shut behind her, sitting the opposite way so she can stare at me balefully. "Trouble sleeping?"

 **\- Sunnydale Caverns : Thursday, December 11th - Dusk-**

I find myself recalling a conversation that Darla and I had had back in the day about her concerns that Dru's Childer always seemed to come out… odd.

Glaring down at the disconcertingly innocent looking label on the thermos Jack just tossed at me before wandering away, I find myself wondering if perhaps I'd dismissed those concerns too soon.

'Batch E.01'

There's no explanation given as to what the E means, or what caused Jack to skip over batches C and D if it's just a letter.

Nothing hinting at the fact that the thermos is filled with blood either. _Human_ blood.

Okay, _mostly_ human blood; it smells slightly different when I pop the lid, but not the kind of different that the hospital blood gets from being loaded up with anticoagulants. Not that the blood smelling slightly off is surprising, since I doubt Jack could manage to get blood from Willy's that isn't cut with _something_ , and that's before Jack did... whatever it was he did to this batch in the name of 'science.'

Not that it matters in the end. Adulterated twice over or not, it's still human blood. I still swore not to touch the stuff and... I have to wonder if this whole experiment Jack claims he's running isn't all just an elaborate ploy to get around my vow to stick to pig's blood as penance for what I've done. He seems to take even the idea of me drinking pig's blood personally for some reason.

If that is what all this is all about, I'd have to begrudgingly give him points for cleverness there as I track the fledges that I'm 'watching over' in the periphery of my vision. The ones that signed on to Jack's experiment rather than get staked, not that it was ever actually said out loud what would happen if they declined to participate; apparently threatening them outright would 'corrupt the data pool' or something. Just like the last two times, they're each holding their own thermos with vaguely suspicious expressions as if waiting for the other shoe to drop, and failing completely at pretending they aren't all watching me, waiting for me to drink first. On purpose or not, Jack's experiment is once again pitting my discomfort with drinking human blood against the possibility of finding a way to get young vampires to behave themselves.

Tipping back the thermos, I take a drink. Points to Jack for cleverness, not the fledges; they all immediately follow suit, each trying to pretend they'd done it on their own, completely independent of me.

...Huh. This batch actually tastes noticeably better than usual, an observation I don't seem to be alone in making if the approving looks the fledges are all giving their meals before chugging the whole lot is anything to go by.

It's sort of like warlock's blood, but not quite. I'll have to ask Jack what he-

I stop drinking, pulling the thermos well away from my face and send the fledges back to work before eyeing the blood even more suspiciously than the they were earlier. It doesn't smell like what I recall of Jack's lab, and it doesn't taste like what I can vaguely recall his blood tasting like when Dru and I turned him, but that's not nearly enough confirmation of anything when it comes to drinking what might be vampire blood.

Closing the lid, I set the still mostly full thermos back in the box.

I'll have to ask him when he comes back in the morning.

...And make sure neither Amy nor Willow are suddenly sporting bite or syringe marks just in case his obsession with 'experimental rigor' overwhelmed whatever inexplicable bit of uncommon sense seems to be keeping him in line around them.

I'm still frowning at the box a moment later when a loud crash silences the sound of picks hitting rock. The fledges all race out towards me before stopping short when I look at them. I suppress a sigh as a game of rock paper scissors breaks out and the loser takes a few steps towards me.

"Uh… Mr. Angel, sir? We think we might have found something."

 **\- Sunnydale Caverns : Friday, December 12th - Dawn -**

"Hey." Jack peels off the helmet of his Nezzla Demon suit and tucks it under his arm. "So I just found out last night that I'm going to need to head down to L.A. next weekend for O'Toole Moot '98. As much as I hate to ask, are you good with watching over them all weekend?"

I glance over at where the fledges are excavating the rest of that rune covered slab of obsidian that they had uncovered. Jack doesn't usually let things that might encourage the fledges to plan an escape attempt slip in front of them. Not that they even could get out of here without stealing one of the Nezzla suits he and I are currently wearing.

"Yeah… " He follows my gaze. "I know. I almost didn't want to say anything for fear of jinxing how weirdly cool you've been about doing most of the fledge-sitting these past two weeks, but-"

"It's fine." At least down here the ghosts of my past stay inside my own head.

"Awesome." Jack visibly relaxes, scratching at his chin. "I'll probably ask Faith and Amy to keep up on making the deliveries of blood from Willy's rather than trying to keep it refrigerated down here without electricity. Oh!" He snaps his fingers. "And I explained how to make more of the E-series to Amy, so taste testing can continue too."

"Right..." Well, I'm not likely to get a better lead in than that. "I've been meaning to ask…" Amy's disgruntled warnings about Jack and regretting questions flash through my mind and I hesitate for a second, but I need to know. "What is the 'E-series'?"

"Hmmm… I guess we are past the point where me telling you guys can influence the data." He looks over at the notebook where the fledges were all made to write down their thoughts on the batch. "It's not anything special really, I just ran the blood through Amy's mana infuser."

"Mana infuser?"

"Yeah- Well, that's just what I call it at least. You'd have to ask Amy if you want to know how it really works." Jack shrugs. "It's just a giant clay pot covered in runes. Amy made it back during that weird pokemon kick she was on for a while there. Faith and I were never clear on how forcing a carnivorous plant thing to grow was going to lead to a bulbasaur. We were originally keeping it by the front door, but Faith finally convinced her to scrap the project after the plant got big enough to start eating rabbits and they started worrying it might take a shot at eating their cat next. I'm pretty sure she just didn't like the baseball sized yellowjackets the thing occasionally spat out."

"I… think I remember Faith mentioning that one of the times she came by with Buffy, actually."

"Yeah… unsurprisingly, giant bees are on her personal list of abominations unto Nuggun. Lucky for us, hearing them talking about the rabbit gave me the idea for the infused blood packs. Though sadly it seems that adding a rabbit's life force to a batch of blood somehow makes the rabbit itself taste kind of bland." He pauses, looking lost in thought. "Well, that or the various rabbit stew recipes Harmony and I tried to follow were all leaving out some kind of secret rabbit preparing steps. Maybe I'll try tracking down Clem and getting his thoughts on the topic. Or would he just eat it raw?"

One of the fledges, holding up their thermos and eyeing it funny again, raises other their hand. "This is rabbit blood?"

"What? Oh, no, it's just infused with one rabbit's worth of converted magical essence to give it some extra kick." Jack stares at the fledges uniformly confused expressions for a moment. "...Like putting a shot of espresso in your hot cocoa?" As they all start to nod, he turns back to me with the pained expression on his face that talking to the fledges always seems to give him. "So! As I was saying, the O'Toole family is having their annual reunion or something this weekend down at… I think Thomas said it was his great uncle David's house?"

"You're going to a family reunion with Thomas..?" My eyebrows go up as the reason why Jack is willing to have this conversation in front of the 'minions' suddenly clicks. "Isn't he the one you said can make crosses that hurt demons even worse?"

"Yeah. Getting stabbed with that thing stings worse than being lit on fire." He nods, shrugging as the fledges all shudder instinctively. "But I'm only going because this reunion thing seemed like as good a time as any to try and talk to his grand uncle Jack about necromancy since LA is a fair bit closer than his place up by Seattle."

That actually brings _me_ up short. "You're going to try to talk to a _necromancer?_ " That's a bit insane even for Jack. " _On purpose?_ "

"Yes, yes, and also _yes_ ; I _am_ aware that necromancers and vampires aren't generally what The Scoobies would call 'mixy things' but being largely magic immune has its perks. So I'm driving Thomas, his little brother, his mom, and _Xander_ for some inexplicable reason down to L.A. for the weekend so they can have family bonding time; I can try and have what promises to be a wonderfully confusing sit down with said necromancer uncle in which I, Sheriff Jack, attempt to warn him, Uncle-Necromancer Jack, that according to the memories Mother left in my head, his grandson, Thomas's somethingth-cousin, who is _also_ named Jack, is going to be shot in a drive by soon. Possibly _during_ said O'toole moot since that's the only place their paths are expected to cross any time soon; and Xander can… do whatever it is that Xanders do when they're spending a weekend trying to make sure I'm not up to no good? At least I'm pretty sure that's the only reason he wants to go. Then again I suppose it's _possible_ he and Thomas have actual plans in L.A. or something. They seem to be friends now."

 **\- Willy's Bar : Thursday, December 17th -**

"But-"

"Liam! Come on!" Jack stares at me with an aggrieved expression as he pulls into the parking space. "Are you allergic to fun? Is that it?"

"Why-"

"I already told you!" He gestures at the minions climbing out of the back of the SUV. "They actually found something _useful!_ So! We're celebrating!" Between being out of the caves for the first time in weeks and the sound dampening earrings Jack made them all wear, the minions themselves seem to be a little overwhelmed.

"And I need to be here for that because..?"

"Plenty of reasons!" Instead of actually explaining any of these alleged reasons, Jack pushes open the door and walks inside. Contrary to Jack's obvious misunderstanding- or just as likely, his willful misinterpretation, given that this is Jack- of my concerns, my hesitence has to do with his steadfast refusal to explain rather than with any concern about 'missing my daily mope.'

"Willy! Seven pints of O-negative, six of them with double shots of that 30 year stuff you hide in the back mixed in."

...Seven? I glance back at the fledges. There's only six of us, and while I can't recall Jack ever expressing any interest in alcohol, that doesn't really help make the math work.

Making sure all of the fledges are still accounted for, I step inside. Daniel, sitting at the end of the bar with blood slowly pooling under his stool, looks over at me and raises his glass.

"Oh thank God." I hear Wesley's voice, sounding relieved. Glancing his way, I see him backed up against the bar with a pair of female vampires pinning him in place just by idly stroking his chest. Clearly uncomfortable for a variety of reasons, his face is bright red and his heart pounding in his chest as he looks to us for rescue.

"Ladies! Ladies!" Jack's laughter is made all the more noticeable by the sudden near silence it brings from the rest of the bar. "Give the man _some_ space. He does need to breathe occasionally." The two female vampires pout at Jack as they pull away slightly from Wesley.

Daniel is gone when I look for him again.

"In all fairness, Wesley," Jack manages while slowly losing the fight with his own laughter. "I did warn you it was a _Demon_ bar when I suggested you wait for us."

"Yes, well..." He clears his throat. "Entering such an establishment seemed like a much safer proposition before both Misses Dormer and Madison informed me that they'd be vanishing into the back room to play poker."

His mouth open and finger raised, Jack's head tilts to the side a bit as he stares at Wesley instead of saying whatever he was apparently going to say. "You…" He eventually recovers. "...didn't have a fight with Cordelia did you?"

"Not that I'm aware of. Why?" Wesley's heart rate begins picking back up. "Has she said something?"

"Not to me, and, seeing as Amy and I had to cast that Mono-transferral spell my Sister found on _both_ of you, I sort assumed things were going well but… ditching you in a demon bar seems like the sort of thing Harmony might come up with if you'd stood her friend up."

"Ah…" Wesley swallows loudly. "I… _may_ … have had to cancel our date this past weekend to attend to some business for the Watcher's Council." The two vampires that had been molesting him, previously unphased by the ongoing discussion of his girlfriend, shoot each other concerned looks at the mention of the council and finally pull back even further from Wesley who sighs in relief.

"Ah…" Jack slaps him on the back. "You… _may_ … not want to do that anymore going forward." He frowns. "Unless that council business you had to attend to pertained to siccing a wetworks team on Caleb?"

"Right." Jack sighs at Wesley's nod. "In that case, I'll try and talk to Harmony for you. Now, Tanya… I need to apologize to Charisma for my deputy being… well… herself… and then talk to her about what's happening with her case for a bit, so…" He takes a step to the side so he's no longer standing directly between us and them, spinning around to face me and pointing with both hands. " _Have... you met Liam?"_

"Ooh…" The blond vampire, Tanya, giggles. "He's pretty."

"Careful," Jack stage whispers, leaning in towards her. "I'm told he _bites_."

Rolling her eyes, Tanya smiles and pats Jack on the cheek. "You _do_ realize groups are extra though, right?"

"That's fine, and I'll pay you your full rate, but I really do just want you and Charisma to talk to the newborn orphans we rounded up about your experiences over the past decade."

" _Talking?_ Is that what you kids call- Wait, like _actual talking?_ " Her happy tone falters as she shoots the fledges a look before sighing. "Just how 'newborn,'" she add air-quotes with her fingers, "are we _talking_ about here?"

"One to two weeks. Ish."

" _Seriously?_ " She glances between the fledges and the as yet un-mobbed Wesley, doubt and confusion etched on her face. "You sure about that?"

"Yup! I pulled a few of them out of the ground myself!" He claps her on the shoulder. "I think hearing from other vampires who made it into their teenage years without lapsing into that idiotic cycle where you spend every night running in circles practically begging the local Slayer to stake you will be good for them. Liam and I are trying to see if it's possible to teach the whole not acting like squirrels on a sugar high thing rather than waiting a whole year or more for them to settle down."

One of the fledges finally sorts itself out enough to raise its hand, "I thought you said that squirrel thing wasn't our fault."

"Oh. _No._ It really isn't." Jack agrees readily, smiling at the raised hand. "But that doesn't make it any less _embarrassing_ when it happens. Now, off you go." He gestures towards the booth where Willy is setting down a tray full of blood. "Make it through the next little bit without Liam or I needing to taze any of you and I'll have Willy bring over another round of blood over when I'm done talking to Charisma."

 **\- Sunnydale Caverns : Monday, December 21st - Midday-**

"...and _then!_ " Arms gesturing wildly, Jack starts pacing back and forth. "Not five minutes after I finally got around to putting on a clean shirt, Gunn's sister fucking shoots me in the chest again!"

"Who?"

"Charles Gunn." He stops and stares at me for a moment. "Umm… Think 'Xander only black, bald, and running a gang of supernaturally aware lost boys with no adult supervision compared to the scoobies and their _almost_ no supervision' and you'll be close enough. Although… the face he made when I shoved his sister at him and told him to keep better track of her was more Buffy-like than Xanderish. Might have been the whole handcuffing her to him and then walking away thing. Or maybe it was ignoring the various crossbow bolts in my chest?" He shrugs, resuming his circuit back and forth across the little cavern we're standing in. "I don't know. Honestly, the fact that any of them are still alive is kind of impressive and I thought about asking if they had any interest in contract work, but by that point I was already running late and couldn't be arsed to deal them any more."

"I see." I lie.

"Yeah. O'Toole Moot '98 itself was fun though. _Once I actually got there._ Not the kind of fun I'd ever want to repeat, but how many vampires can honestly say they've helped a Roman Catholic Priest _in good standing_ and a Necromancer with so much black magic in him that I could _smell_ it on him, figure out how best to dispose of a body? _Together,_ no less. Granted,-" he reaches down and fiddles with the blue seven pointed star pinned to his chest "-I _was_ technically the first member of law enforcement on the scene, even if L.A. County is all kinds of outside my jurisdiction." He snorts derisively. "Not that that seemed to bother the locals any once they realized one of 'their own' had been shot at."

Jack shakes his head ruefully. "Man. _Humans_. Am I right? I mean, here I am expecting Jack O'Toole's impending death to be because it turns out he'd gotten involved with demons, or his grandfather's necromancy came back to haunt to him, or like… a gang war or something. It is L.A. afterall. But... no… just a bog standard ex-girlfriend losing her fucking shit and firing an uzi at the family barbeque. Because _that's_ totally a reasonable response to a breakup! Gods." Arms flailing about in what I suspect he thinks is a descriptive manner, Jack starts to laugh. "She wasn't even _his_ ex-girlfriend! Then again, you would think the fact that she thought dating a pair of first cousins at the same time like they wouldn't notice was a good plan…" He grimaces theatrically. " _That_ probably should have been a tip off that she wasn't quite right in the head."

"Right…"

"Gods, it was like... a live action soap opera! I'm _almost_ curious if she'd have tried hitting on Thomas and Jack Jr. as well if they lived there instead of here. Maybe she'd have tried to complete the whole age bracket's worth of O'Tooles like they were pokemon instead of going for the attempted mass murder nonsense that got her killed." His laughter stops abruptly, as he buries his face in one hand. " _Shit_. I sound like Spike when he gets going about buggerfucking _Passions_." He sighs, hand running through his hair. "Then again, if this is what TV soaps are like, I might owe Spike and William both an apology for making fun of how much they love watching the things." He perks up, snapping his fingers. "That's what I can get him for the next few Christmases. Boxed DVD sets!"

Hearing him even just briefly dissociate William as separate and distinct from Spike in the present tense is new. And… _disturbing_ in a way I can't seem to put my finger on.

"Useful as it was at time though, I think I could have done without Thomas finally getting that flash of light spell to work even if blinding her _did_ get her to crash the car she was driving at us. Unsurprisingly, being at ground zero for a localized solar flare is fucking itchy as all get out. Oh! And speaking of Thomas, apparently his whole family is all about magic. They got all excited when it happened, like he was Neville fucking Longbottom and had just bounced down the road, instead of accidentally scouring off my skin with low grade holy fire. Odd experience that, fire usually isn't so polite as to completely ignore my clothing when it does that. Then again, he did have that cross thing which is apparently their family's Gryfindork sword and there now being two of them, one of which even 'works' whatever that was supposed to mean since both of them made me itchy, had them all running in circles for some reason. Seemed to have something to do with the way Jack O'Toole Sr.'s zombie-wife looked like she got singed- or, sunburnt at least -by the holy fire too. I don't know, they didn't seem to want to explain to me either though for once I got the impression that this was more just because I wasn't an O'Toole rather than just people being racists about the whole vampire thing so I stopped asking. We have enough family drama of our own without borrowing more, thank you very much. Plus, it didn't seem worth raining on their parade since I was pretty obviously fine, much to the consternation of David- Err… I guess he'd be Bishop O'Toole in this case? At least, I _think_ he was speaking in an official capacity while he was disappointedly telling me how a burst of holy fire should have gotten rid of me…"

"Jack… you haven't, by any chance, drank any memory potions lately, have you?"

"No, why would- Oh... yeah, I uh… _may_ have possibly accidentally'd a large chunk of the city's power grid when the control plate we were making for that runestone you brought us shorted out. I'm not sure if that technically counts as an energy field bigger than my head or not but hey, no one was hur- Well, no one died at least. So... hooray for being an electrovore?" Jack sighs, scratching the back of his head as he stares at the ceiling for a moment. "I kind of replaced all my lemonade already and it turns out mana-infused blood just makes the problem even worse." He shrugs. "Yeah… Amy might have… uh... _suggested_ that I should come hang out with you until the mana-high wore off."

 **\- Sunnydale Caverns : Thursday, December 24th - Afternoon -**

Setting the last of the thermos labeled E-15 back in the box- It's not bad, but still not an improvement over the E-12 batch. -I shoo the fledges back to work.

"Ah, Angel. Forcing the help to live on dregs while working them to death?" Jenny's ghost, suddenly beside me, laughs as the fledges resume digging. "I can't say it surprises me to see you playing the harsh taskmaster. Cruelty's always been the only thing you ever had any true talent for."

"That's not true." I protest, but my heart's not really in it. I guess it was too much to hope for that my refuge from my ghosts would survive the forcefield fading out, even if she isn't really using my subconscious' best material.

"Oh but it is. You mistake it for a curse, Angel, but it's not." She smiles maliciously at me. Spoke too soon I guess.

For once, Jack's indistinct presence appearing in the back of my senses is more comforting than disturbing; Jenny tends to stay quieter whenever there are people around to distract me from my guilt.

"Hey," he waves as he rounds the last bend in the caves. "How'd the latest batch... go... over?" His voice turns puzzled as he spots Jenny, who for some reason doesn't vanish like she usually does when someone else would spot her.

"Hello..?" Jack interrupts, leaning around her and waving a hand in front of her face.

Jenny doesn't react to Jack at all, continuing on as if he isn't there. "It's your destiny. I'll show you."

"Okay then." Jack nods, to himself I think, as he steps around her towards me. "Fuck that noise right in the neck."

I get ready for violence the moment I spot the flare of purple light start to surround him, but being forcibly scooped up bridal style still catches me off guard.

"What are you doing?"

"Cockblocking The First Evil's attempt at talking you into taking a daylit stroll." He nods his head towards Jenny, who's stopped talking and is looking around with a puzzled expression on her face. He sticks his tongue out at her with a, "Mother and I take a dim view of beings that try mucking about with our family."

"That's... The First Evil?"

"Allegedly." Jack shrugs, turning around to start walking back the way he came. We get three steps before he stops with a muttered curse, and turns around again to stomp towards the sounds of the minions working in the digsite proper. "Not really sure how you'd confirm or deny the claim, but to my knowledge nothing older has come forward to dispute the title. Not that me not knowing about something like that should be lent all that much weight given that I'm what, seven months old at this point?

"Ah." Telling Jack I'm familiar with what the First Evil is, but just didn't realize that's what Jenny was, doesn't seem like it'd be all that helpful at the moment. "I actually meant: 'Why are you carrying me?'"

"Oh… Well, you know how you don't have a reflection?" Having read Giles' notes, I know where he's going with this but he doesn't pause at all for a response. "Well shock surprise, neither do I! I just… _also_ don't show up on cameras, get acknowledged by microphones, trigger laser grid sensors, show up in clairvoyant visions, get accounted for in precognitive visions, ummm… basically anything more advanced than good ole Mk1 eyeballs and ear holes, really. Fortunately for us, that worthless waste of overwhelming mystical power back there," he jerks his head back towards where we left Jen- The First Evil- behind, "doesn't seem to have any Mk1 anythings. I mean, granted, for all I know, it's entirely possible that the thing can sense me just fine and is simply humoring me but, if that's the case, I think I'm okay with humoring it back."

"So... you're _carrying me_ because..?"

"Oh! Because, for whatever reason, the same rules apply to anything or anyone that I'm in 'possession' of. But,-" He shrugs. "-sadly, just physically dragging you along behind me doesn't seem to count- I checked.- and this seemed more practical at the time than trying to stuff you in my pocket."

...Lovely.

"Oi! Minions!" Four sets of yellowed eyes turn our way as Jack tosses a few bundles of cash on the workbench. "Earrings on! You're all taking the rest of the night off. Head on down to Willy's, those girls you met last week are going to meet you there. I'll see you all back here at dawn for your morning feeding and Christmas presents." He starts to walk away, stops, and turns back towards the still blinking fledges, shifting me around so he can free a hand to point at them. "And I _really_ do hope I won't be hearing anything from either Willy or the girls about you lot misbehaving."

Somehow, Jack letting the fledges go off on their own, even with implied threats, strikes me as more alarming than The First Evil's presence.

 **\- Sunnydale Caves : A Number of Twists, Turns, and Tunnels Later -**

"Although... I'm starting to suspect that whole 'immunity to precognition' doesn't actually apply to Mother." Jack continues to prattle on, still jogging through the tunnels, still not me putting me down. "I _thought_ Spike had pretty heavily implied she couldn't see me when he came to town but it's occurred to me now that he may possibly have been higher than a kite on Czechoslovakian magics during the conversation he was telling me about so I can't actually be sure it even happened, let alone got retold accurately."

No more clear about what it is that has him worked up, or what he's even talking about, now than I was five minutes ago, this seems like a good time to try again. "You can put me down now."

Sadly, I get the same response as the last three attempts. "Nope!"

"I'm pretty sure she's gone."

"She's _what!?_ Oh, _her_. It? Not important." He shakes his head. "No, I need you to help me play referee today because, speaking of Mother, you get three guesses who showed up at my door just before dawn this morning and the first two guesses don't - Er… that was dawn as in the sun, not Dawn the girl."

"Dru's in town!?" I have to warn Buffy.

"Yup." He nods. "Apparently she and Spike left Brazil a few weeks ago so they'd have time to make their way back here to join us for tonight's Christmas dinner."

"Christmas dinner?" Okay… that's… good? At the very least it should keep Dru and Spike occupied long enough for me to warn Buffy before she runs into them.

"Yeah. Hence my concerns since they decided to attend before Amy and I even talked about having it. I suppose she may have just assumed we would though? Christmas is sort of this whole _thing_ that goes on calendars and what not. Oh, who even knows with her. I uh..." He trails off sheepishly, shrugging again, which bounces me up and down. Again. "I would have told you about it sooner, but I sort of assumed that getting you to attend would require a kidnapping. Oh! By the way, this is a kidnapping. You're coming to Christmas dinner. Dawn, Mother, and I all insist. Spike would probably insist too, but I didn't think to ask him before he got into the liquor cabinet."

"I can't see Dawn wanting me to be there."

"That _would_ be the thing you choose to focus on." He rolls his eyes at me. "Honestly, for a man with 2 and some odd change centuries worth of both human and demonic memories, I find that your lack of faith in the power of spitefulness jumps right on over disturbing and lands all the way in flabbergasting territory."

"What?"

"Dawn and I don't _just_ scarf down unhealthy amounts of ice cream on Tuesdays, you know? Gawd! We also talk about… like... _stuff!_ " He grins, looking quite pleased with his Dawn Summers impression. "FYI: You're currently tied for first place with _middle school drama_ as far as topic selection goes. I honestly don't know if the medal you get for winning that contest should be a badge of honor or of shame, but either way, it's probably yours." He grins. "Point being, I've brought her around to my way of thinking about your prison… er…" He glances down at me. "Huh. Did I never tell you about that? I know I usually try to ignore his existence but-"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Not that that's all that unusual with Jack.

"Weird. I could have sworn we talked about it back when…" He trails off, muttering something about puppies and sunshine. "Okay, in all fairness, you were kind of drugged out of your gourd during your spinal reconstruction surgery, so you not remembering that conversation at all isn't that unreasonable. Right then, from the beginning? Yeah. Probably best to start fresh from the beginning. Okay, so, I think I may have mentioned hating your prisoner with something of a passion, yeah?"

Just nodding and saying, "yes," seems more productive at the moment than trying to explain that that's not how it works again.

"Great. As long as we're clear about that. But, obviously, I can't just _kill_ him. I mean, even if the bastard totally deserves it, he's still Family. Mother would have a fit. Plus, there's that whole sharing a body with you thing he's got going on. So I-" He pauses, head tilted as a smile grows on his face. "-and Dawn as well now that I think of it, have opted to get _creative_ in our vengeance." His smile turns sadistic. "So. We're going to _erase_ him."

Uh… "What?"

Jack snorts. "You should know better than anyone how proud that utter muppet was of treating cartoon villainy like it was some kind of art form. He made fun of first William, and then Spike, for his love of poetry, but if anyone in our family spent an _embarrassing_ amount of time obsessing over their 'artistry' it was him. So we're going to burn his legacy and then piss on the ashes until the only things he's remembered for is maybe as a fucking _footnote_ in The Watcher Council's records on us Aurelians."

"The Master's cult?"

"No, not the Order of- oh. Gods damn it. Sorry, my memory's been a bit iffy lately so I might have the name wrong. I meant _us!_ Our little bloodline starting with ole' Batface being turned by that Old One who's name I can't seem to recall. Started with an…"

"Maloker."

...A- What? _No!_ Don't be ridiculous." He snorts. " _Maloker._ Be serious, would you- Wait..." He frowns down at me. "You don't seriously think our family are just garden variety Malokerspawn, do you?" He cuts me off with a loud groan before I can respond. "Jesus fucking Christ _on a Bicycle!_ That was _supposed_ to be rhetorical! Gods, next you'll start trying to convince me that you and the prisoner are the same person again." He glares at me as if daring me to do just that. "So anyway! Ignoring your little senior citizen moment for now: When I'm done, the world won't remember our family for the bloody swath he who shall not be named in my presence and his precious 'Whirlwind' cut across Europe. No, they'll remember things like my whole generation siding with the world rather than the end, or you running around L.A. with Cordelia saving lost puppies and whatnot with that Doyle guy." L.A.? Cordelia? What is he talking about? "Oh!" Jack's sudden shout drags me back into the conversation. "And speaking of his time with The Whirlwind, that fucking _masterpiece_ he was so proud of himself for? I _will_ find a way to fix Mother eventually. One that _doesn't_ involve needing to kill her." He shrugs. I bounce up and down. "For Dawn's part, it might take her a while but she's decided to deny him even the mild satisfaction of seeing her live her life in fear of him. So. He gets _nothing!_ And, thanks to you, he's going to have sit there in the back of the squad car and _watch_ as the world forgets him!"

 **\- Winters Residence - Basement -**

"Jack!" A very stressed looking, but miraculously unbitten, Amy yells the moment the vault door separating their basement from the caves swings open.

"Me!" Jack agrees readily, kicking the door closed.

"What the hell did you do to my runework!?" She glares at him while pointing to the sheet metal plate they wrapped around the obsidian slab from the caves.

"That…" Jack hedges, "feels like it should depend on if it worked or not?"

"If by 'worked' you mean Buffy getting stuck outside then yes, it 'worked.'"

"Oh." Jack nods, looking relieved. "That's _awesome_."

My eyes widen before my feet even hit the ground. "Buffy's _here?_ With Dru and Spike!?"

" _Awesome!? **Awesome!?**_ " Amy's eye starts twitching as she glares at Jack, neither of them even acknowledging my question. " _No._ This is very much _not_ awesome! I've been stuck down here trying to fix this for at least 5 minutes. 5. Minutes. Jack! That's **_5_** _ **whole minutes** _ that I could have been using to try and fix the seating chart!"

"You know… I'm still not really clear on why having an official seating chart is so important."

"Well…" Her smile and tone turning brittle. Hearing it, I abandon any hope of getting an answer out of them and start up the stairs. "Originally it was just a 'responsible grownups have a seating chart' thing but then your mother showed up out of the blue and now it's a matter of life and death, or at least avoiding bloodshed. And right now I'm not working on fixing it because you decided it'd be _hilarious_ to mess with _Buffy!_ "

"Well excuse me for not wanting to Buffy and Mother to start fighting in the house when your and Faith's only practical options for stopping it would be lighting everyone involved on fire." Jack pauses and takes a deep breath, his tone turning conciliatory as I reach the upper landing. "Which, if I haven't said it yet, I want you to know that I really do appreciate you not setting my mother on fire this morning. I know she was pushing your buttons, but she really doesn't like it when that happens and despite being a seer I'm starting to think she's either cursed or just somehow mentally incapable of stopping herself when a vision shows her a bad end. It's why she needs Spike, and me too now I suppose, to handle things for her."

One hand already on the handle, I pause and take a deep breath, turning back towards the basement where Jack's wrapped Amy up in a hug. "Amy?"

Amy's response of, "Yes, Liam?" comes out a bit muffled, pressed against Jack's shoulder like she is.

"If you're assigning seats," and if this somehow doesn't blow up in everyone's faces anyway in spite of it, "you should probably know that Dru can get… _difficult_ … if you don't leave an empty seat to her immediate left for Miss Edith."

Jack's thanks and the litany of muffled curses that makes up Amy's response are both turned into static as I push open the basement door and step into their atrium turned living room, preparing myself for the worst.

Instead I find Harmony blocking my path, holding out an outfit I haven't seen worn in over a century and a half. Behind her insistent efforts to get me to change my clothes, I can see Dawn leaning against the front door with her back holding it open. Amy's magic dampening whatever she's saying about lemons to Buffy, who's standing next to her, just outside the doorway while drumming her fingers on empty air; barely perceptible flashes of light going off at each tap the only indication there's any kind of barrier there at all.

Despite very pointedly not looking over at me, Dawn holds up her middle finger in my direction and starts rotating it back and forth with a bright smile on her face. Even muffled partially by Amy's magic, Buffy's shout of, "Dawn!" is clearly scandalized. It's followed immediately by a sharp intake of breath when she spots me. "Angel! Mom is in the kitchen-"

" _Daddy!_ " The kitchen door bounces off the wall with a loud bang, Dru rushing through it at full sprint. The look of childlike joy on her face distracting me until she's already latched on and started climbing, her legs wrapping around my waist as she hugs me around the neck.

" _Oi!_ " Spike scowls at us from the kitchen doorway. "Put 'er down!"

"What is he doing here?" Joyce glares at me over his shoulder. She looks angry but thankfully uninjured, her heart still beating steadily. The scent of blood in the air is far too faded and stale to be hers.

"Oh, Daddy…" Dru sighs mournfully into my ear, pulling back from the hug a bit.

"Dru must've had the walking lightshow fetch him for her when I wasn't looking." Spike groans. "No worries, Joyce, I'll keep him away from you." Right. I'm not going to be able to help here. At all.

Dru's hands grab the sides of my head as Joyce thanks him, forcing me to look into her eyes as she pouts at me. "Daddy's all trapped inside the nasty Angel-beast." Still pouting, and without breaking eye contact, she trails a single razor sharp nail down my chest, pressing just hard enough to leave a faint scratch mark as she slices open my shirt. "Says you're in there. Says you can hear me." She pushes, frowning at me as she slowly sinks the tip of her finger between two of my ribs. "Won't let me dig you out." She scowls, pulling out and shaking the now bloodied finger at me. "The new baby's very cross with you!"

"Come on, Love." I hear Spike murmuring soothingly as he moves towards us. "Leave the 'nasty Angel-beast' be," he smirks at me. "You know it only ever upsets you." He starts pulling Dru down off of me, scowling at me over her shoulder the whole time. "Let's just go back to the kitchen now and drink our cuppas while Joyce finishes telling us her story about her art gallery."

"Mmm... " Dru sighs hungrily, finally releasing her legs' hold on me. "Artists."

"That's right, Princess." He nudges her towards the kitchen. "I know how much you like them."

Joyce looks at her with concern. "Is she going to be alright?"

I feel a hand on my chest as Spike guides Dru away. "You can't wear that. It has blood on it." Harmony begins unbuttoning my shirt, glaring at the bloodstain where Dru dug her finger into me. "...And a hole."

" _Harms!_ " Faith's voice bellows down from upstairs a moment before her face appears, leaning over the railing, waving a corset back and forth angrily as she glares down at us all.

"Yes, dear?" Harmony waves back cheerfully, somehow continuing to undo the buttons of my shirt one handed, without looking, faster than I can do them back up.

"What the _fu-_ …ngshway…" The angry glare turns to a sheepish expression as she glances towards the kitchen doorway. "Hey there, Momma S!" She frowns. "...Hey, Gramps. When did you get... here...?" A look of realization crosses face as her head snaps towards Dawn and Buffy. "B! _Run!_ "

"I am _not_ leaving my mother-"

"No! B, you don't understand! They've all gone fu-reaking cuckoo for cocoa puffs over these stupid poofy dresses! Save yourself while you still can!"

Joyce's laughter tapers off as the kitchen door swings shut behind her.

"... _Faith_ …" Dawn whines, sagging like a marionette with her strings cut before standing back upright with her hands on her hips. "You _promised_ you'd give it a chance!"

"Ya, but B didn't yet! She can still get out of-"

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?" Buffy screams, overpowering the sound dampening magics with anger as she pounds a fist against the barrier again.

"...Wut?" Faith and Dawn glance at each other.

"What? _WHAT!?_ Mom is alone with Spike and Drusilla and you people are all acting like it's fine!"

"B… chillax." Faith drags a hand down her face looking exasperated. "Yer mom is a grown ass woman. The shit are we s'posed to do if she wants to join them for a-" Faith coughs loudly as I hear the kitchen door push open again. "Uh… a picnic!"

" _Faith!_ " Dawn screeches, "Don't. Be. …oh, that wasn't actually-"

"Is everything alright out here?" Dawn startles at the sound of Joyce's voice, almost falling over as she whirls around to look at her leaning out of the kitchen again, both of them trying to keep one eye aimed at me the entire time. Behind Joyce, I can see Spike at the table pouring Dru's Miss Edith doll a cup tea.

"Everything's _fine_ , Mom! Faith was just saying how you guys," she gestures in the direction of the kitchen, "might want to have a," Dawn smiles tightly, "...picnic?"

Joyce frowns disapprovingly, sipping at her own cup of tea as she looks around. "That seems kind of rude, doesn't it? The sun is still out."

"What? Oh." Faith shrugs. "Not _now_ , I was just sayin'… like… _in general_ , you might wanna do something like that."

"And I'm just saying no!" Buffy huffs. "No… _picnics_ … "

"Oh… I don't know dear. A picnic could be fun. You wouldn't remember, but your father and I used to..."


End file.
